Today we will talk about why your ex replaced you so quickly.
This article will not only cover why they did, but also what you can do to remedy the situation.
When someone breaks up with you, you may expect them to move on eventually, but you do not expect them to move on quickly.
You certainly don’t expect to be replaced.
But, low and behold, your ex has quickly entered into a new relationship with someone who appears to be a carbon copy of you.
So, what’s going on here?
Is your ex completely over you, because they began a new relationship so soon?
Well, to answer that question, we need to fully understand the rebound rules.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizUnderstand The Rebound Rules
A few years ago, I put together a video called The Phases of a Rebound Relationship.
In this video, I discussed the basic phases of a rebound relationship and gave tips on how to differentiate between a rebound relationship and a legitimate type of long-lasting relationship.
I determined there are really two main questions to consider when assessing whether your ex’s new relationship is a rebound relationship or a long-lasting one.
Question #1: How quickly did your ex move on to this new relationship?
This may seem obvious but answering this question will help you determine whether or not your ex’s new relationship is a rebound or more serious.
If your ex moved on to a new relationship anywhere between a few days to a month after your relationship ended, it is more than likely still in rebound territory.
However, if your ex waited maybe six months before dating someone new, that may not really be considered a rebound relationship.
That is more of a legitimate relationship.
Question #2: How long have they been in the rebound relationship?
We have put a lot of research into this question.
After reviewing our data and working with countless clients, we have determined the average length of time that a rebound relationship lasts is about 5.2 months.
In other words, if your ex has dated someone for longer than five and a half months after your breakup, the relationship – even one that may have started out as a rebound – may have evolved into a more serious, meaningful one.
To answer the question about whether or not your ex is truly over you, it is important to look at the pattern of their new relationship and determine if it is a rebound.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizIf you answer the above two questions and it is a rebound relationship, it’s very likely your ex is not 100% over you.
Did Your Ex Really Love You?
It’s natural to ask yourself if your ex truly loved you if they replaced you so quickly.
This may surprise you, but, in my opinion, the answer is likely yes.
90% of the exes we encounter that enter a rebound relationship after a breakup did so because they loved their previous partner.
Why would they do that?
Well, they are looking for a distraction from the pain.
They simply do not want to face their feelings and the heartbreak that comes with the loss of an important relationship, so they begin a new relationship as a distraction. So, the fact that your ex replaced you so quickly is indicative of the fact that they cared for you on a deep level.
I understand how that may be difficult to believe.
It’s natural to think your ex doesn’t care about you, because they replaced you so quickly.
However, your ex is not really thinking in those terms.
This relates to an interesting fact we have learned about couples and relationship, and it’s that all human beings have two competing desires in a relationship.
The Conflicting Need For Stability And Adventure
Over the past decade of coaching clients through breakups, we have discovered that all human beings share a need for stability and adventure in their relationships.
What is interesting about these two needs is how they conflict with each other in nature.
Think of the people you know.
Generally, the more stable personalities you know do not like to do adventurous things.
Similarly, the more adventurous and spontaneous personalities tend to rebel against stability – they want to remain spontaneous.
Yet, these are two qualities that we want to coexist in relationships.
Many of our clients fall into the stability category.
Meaning, they became too complacent in their relationship and stopped doing spontaneous and adventurous things with their partner.
Their ex then often replaced them with someone new who adds excitement or adventure to the relationship.
On the flipside, for our clients who are more spontaneous or adventurous in nature, often the ex will replace them with someone who is more stable.
So, as you think of your ex’s new partner, it may be interesting to consider what desire he or she is fulfilling and how it differs from your relationship.
Perhaps you offered more stability, but complacency grew in the relationship.
Or maybe you were more adventurous, but your partner craved stability. It’s likely the new relationship fulfills the opposite need.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizThe problem is that we need both stability and excitement in a relationship.
So, while you may be extremely stable and this new person may be extremely adventurous, eventually your ex will start craving stability if it gets a little too adventurous.
Now, speaking of the other woman or the other person, what are they actually feeling throughout this entire time? Are they thinking about you?
Inside The Mind Of The Other Woman
Allow me to just say that it’s completely normal for you to obsess about the other woman or man that your ex is dating.
You are likely curious about how they look, what they do, what they like, or don’t like.
But are they curious about you?
Well, in order to answer that, I think we have to understand the narrative they have been told about you and your relationship with your ex.
You see, we have noticed an interesting trend among exes, especially in men.
When they cheat on their partners or replace them with someone new, these men tend to pain themselves as victims of a bad relationship.
When the “other woman” asks about their relationship, they villainize their partner by saying things like…..
- “I cannot stand her anymore.”
- “We never slept together.”
- “We always fight with each other.”
We all know the reality may be a little different, but this is why often the other woman views herself as a hero who is saving him from a bad situation.
When truly this man is lying about the situation to make himself sound like the victim.
Now, I only share this perspective, because often when women are replaced by an ex, they become fixated on the fact that another woman stole their man.
They spend so much energy making the other woman into this demon-like figure, because she “broke up the relationship”.
However, the real reason she’s acting this way is likely due to the false narrative she was told by your ex.
I have heard countless women cover for their exes and say things like, “she preyed on a helpless man”.
This is not 100% true. I am not trying to demonize your ex, but I want to make sure you remember to also put responsibility on your ex.
Your ex is just as responsible for replacing you, moving on, or even cheating on you as the other woman.
How Do You Get Your Ex Back If You’ve Been Replaced?
Now that we’ve explored the reasons why your ex may have replaced you, let’s talk about what you can do to get them back or just “win” the breakup.
Surprisingly, the most effective strategy in this situation is extending the No Contact Rule.
If you are not familiar with the No Contact Rule, check out our ExBoyfriend Recovery YouTube Channel or this website for more details.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizYears ago, we believed shortening the No Contact Rule was the best strategy to use if an ex begins a new relationship.
However, after diving into the data and working with countless clients, we realized the opposite approach is most effective.
We now recommend extending the No Contact Rule to a period of 45 days in a situation where you’ve been replaced.
But why?
Well, believe it or not, timing is extremely important.
If you end the No Contact Rule too soon in this situation, it’s likely your ex will still be in the honeymoon phase of their new relationship and find your contact irritating.
However, if you wait until after the honeymoon phase ends, your ex will be more open to hearing from you.
Steps To Follow After The No Contact Rule
So, now that a 45 day No Contact Rule has ended, what should you do next?
This is where we often advise our clients to follow the “Being There Method” – a method we have seen work extremely well with our clients in this situation.
I used to describe the Being There Method to clients by suggesting they “friend zone” themselves and become a constant friendly presence in their ex’s life.
But I realized this description was not doing the method justice, because you don’t really want to become their friend.
Now I describe this method by painting this picture.
Have you ever been in a situation where you liked someone and knew they liked you back, and every interaction had this anticipatory excitement to it as you wondered who would make the first move?
That is the Being There Method in a nutshell.
You basically become a constant presence in your ex’s relationship, but not as a true friend.
You are going to be a little more than a friend, so much so that the new person will feel intimidated by you.
Now, earlier in this article, I talked about how natural it is to obsess about your ex’s new partner, but is she obsessing about you?
Well, not at first.
At first, she is very self-interested, because she views herself as saving this man from a horrible relationship.
But the truth is, she will begin to pay attention to you if she feels threatened.
In other words, if you practice the Being There Method and your ex begins to invest time to talking with you, she will start looking at your Facebook profile and start picking everything about your life apart – and this is where it’s important to tell your story.
This is where you can become the “alpha female”.
You want to post things on Facebook, Instagram, snapchat – whatever relevant social media platforms you use – to make her feel intimidated.
On social media, you want to look beautiful, sexy, smart, cultured – everything you ever wanted.
You don’t necessarily have to feel these things, but you want to look like you are these things, so the other woman feels extremely intimidated.
Do this not only for your ex, but also to attract the attention of other men.
The truth is, the more that your ex sees other men giving you attention, the more he will pay attention to you, which will get the attention of the other woman too.
This is only a quick snapshot of the Being There Method.
Create A New “First Experience” Together
I’ll leave you with one final suggestion.
After you apply the Being There Method and have several positive interactions with your ex, you may feel the need to hang out with them.
Should you?
Absolutely.
Yes, you should.
However, you need to do this a certain way.
I’m a big believer in the power of first or new experiences.
What do I mean by that?
Well, we always remember new experiences or first experiences better than anything else.
Imagine you are seeing one of your favorite movies for the first time.
You experience all of the motions the movie wants to evoke in you first time and it’s extraordinary.
It’s so extraordinary that you think, “hey, I want to go and see that movie again”.
So, you see the movie again and it’s still extraordinary, but it’s not as impactful as when you saw it for the very first time. This is the impact of a first time, new experience.
So, if you are going to hang out with your ex, my suggestion is for you to do something for the first time together that neither of you have experienced before.
This first experience together will actually bond you even closer.
Dwayne
October 3, 2023 at 3:30 pm
I’ve been with my wife 4 years now and have kids together. She recently left for another man. How do I invoke the no contact rule while still being a part of the kids life and in the kids lives?
Coach Shaunna
October 7, 2023 at 8:08 am
Hi Dwayne, we call this the limited no contact. If your children are old enough I would suggest that your contact go through the eldest to speak with the other three. If not then you would agree with your ex about visiting / arrangements to see the children and keep to that schedule. Outside of this you would not speak with her until it is your time with the children. When picking up / dropping off keep the conversation short, polite and indifferent so she feels that you have passed caring what she did.
Nilu
October 5, 2022 at 4:27 pm
My ex marrying his rebound. Their family and all friends know. He was in relationship with me for four years but never introduced me to his family? And he cheated to just because that girl is rich. Is is still rebound and will he come back?
Coach Shaunna Nicol
October 10, 2022 at 10:49 am
Nilu, it would have passed the rebound stage once they started planning their wedding. It is unlikely he will be coming back if he marries her.
Katherine
December 29, 2020 at 3:07 pm
Hi Chris, I’m at a loss for words right now. My ex and I had a really good thing, it’s like we were a match made in heaven. We’ve only been together for about 6 months but it was still the realest relationship I’ve ever had. He has a really busy life, I’m talking two jobs, college classes, and a baby. His life has gotten really busy over the past few months. Still we would text all day every day. About a month ago, he broke up with me to focus more on all of the stuff he was juggling. It hurt, but I understood. I broke no contact last week to tell him that I missed him and he told me that he missed me back, but he was trying to distract himself because he couldn’t shake the feeling that I deserved better. He told me he hated that he couldn’t make me a priority. I kinda sorta begged for him to reconsider, and he stopped replying. Anyway, I just found out yesterday that he’s already talking to a new girl. This girl is already posting him all on her social media and tweeting about him using his name (it just started over the weekend). I think they may work together. What do I do? I begged and he knows how I feel, yet he still tried to replace me. It’s not like we had a bad fight or breakup, so I don’t know why he’s doing this to me. Thank you for your time!
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 15, 2021 at 9:22 pm
Hi Katherine, I know it is really hard to find out your ex is with someone new, in this situation you would need to follow a 45 day no contact and then start the being there method – there are articles and videos about this to help you. Be sure that you work towards the Ungettable Girl information so that he can regret letting you go.
D
June 21, 2020 at 4:08 am
We broke up in December. He started dating her right away but they broke up mid-Feb. He texted me late Feb. We began hanging out. Mid-march he went back to her. Still tells me he loves me and calls me as soon as she leaves and before he goes to see her. Says we arent over yet, she’s a fling. But he spends more time with her than he EVER did with me. WTF is going on. I haven’t done no contact yet but I am thinking I should. He ignores me on the weekend and calls me every morning and only nights she isn’t there. Says I’m a big part of his life. We were together 15 years. I want him to leave her and pick me but he didn’t – he seems to have picked her. When we were hanging out again all he did was complain about her. Why is he with her every second now? HELP
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
July 4, 2020 at 12:05 am
Hi D, it sounds as if your ex is keeping you as an option. If you want to know how he truly feels about you then you need to go into a 45 day No Contact and ignore his calls no matter what he says to you, unless he ends things with the other woman.
Jenna k
June 18, 2020 at 4:15 am
My husband was with a girl when they were 18/19 for around a year. He was incredibly in love with her. She treated him badly so badly it affected lots of things in his everyday life like his job. He was in pieces. We got together and have been together for 17 years, we have 2 children. Out of the blue he tells me that he’s leaving me, this was a few days ago. When he was talking to me I joked and said it’s not back to her is it. It was. It hurt a lot because of everything that had happened. I love him and don’t understand why he would go back to such a toxic relationship.I always supported him with everything he wanted to do. We did fight but i thought it had been a lot better for a few months. I thought we were in a good place. The two days after I did want to know if he loved her and how long it had been going on but I didn’t beg for him back. I’m now being sensible for the kids. I’m not shouting or pushing back (which is the total opposite of what I would of been like) I’m quite a hot head. I’m hardly talking to him. Any advice would be lovely. Thank you
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
July 12, 2020 at 10:50 am
Hi Jenna it is hard to understand why they go back to a toxic relationship but I can imagine right now he thinks things will be different because they have grown up. So its almost a grass is greener syndrome here, you are right to barely be speaking to him but follow a limited no contact where you would only speak to him if you must (about the children or shared bills) and appear to be doing well. Your NC needs to be 45 days and then you need to follow the being there method. You are at an advantage even if you do not feel that you are because you have 17 years of knowing who he is, where she is just someone he used to know and has this ideal image of who she is. It wont last if she is still a toxic person
Jasmin
May 31, 2020 at 2:45 pm
Hi,
So my relationship was about 2 years and 7months. He broke up with me, while he was drunk and over the phone, then blocks me on everything possible within 24 hrs. Two weeks go by and I went to his place to give his stuff back and got a “closure”. He said he fell out of love and has been trying for a while and didn’t want to try anymore, I asked him if he was talking to someone already and he said yes. And now it’s been a month that has passed by, he has a girlfriend already and it’s his best friend’s girlfriend’s sister. Also, I’m still blocked from everything so I have no way to contact him.
I’m just confused as to what happened and what is going on in his mind.
Sara
May 24, 2020 at 2:18 pm
I need some help. 🙁 my boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me a month ago and instantly got in a relationship with a new, much younger girl. It took him about a week to start his thing with her. I kicked him out of our house and he apologized to me and pretty much called the other girl his rebound because he didn’t want to face the sadness of our breakup. I didn’t talk to him for about a week after that. Then, he texted me one morning and said that he was incredibly miserable and depressed and that he lost everything when he lost me. He told me he felt really bad about how badly he hurt me and for using this girl and that he needed some time to himself to sort out his “internal conflict”. I told him that he could always talk to me if he was feeling down or depressed, so he’s repeatedly texted me about his feelings and whatnot. He keeps saying that “nothing is completely black or white” and he doesn’t know how he feels or where he stands with anything. He also still tells me that he loves me and misses me but he “wants time to pass” to heal things. When I told him I found a new apartment for myself, he changed the subject back to himself and told me that his brain hasn’t been functioning properly and that’s why he did “stupid things” by getting with that girl, which was an odd and random response.
Now, I’ve learned that despite everything he has been saying to me, he’s been hanging out with this girl again. She doesn’t know about any of his internal conflict or bad feelings that he’s been reaching out to me about. He told me that he would tell her soon, but also said I need to “let him do his thing right now”.
I’m trying to limit my contact with him, but he keeps reaching out to me about random things – cars he finds, job opportunities, etc. He sucks me into these conversations and then stops them randomly (I’m guessing when he’s hanging out with his rebound). What do I do? I feel like I’m already in the Being There stage and I don’t want to work backwards.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
June 12, 2020 at 9:16 pm
Hi Sara, I actually think you need to do the No Contact on him properly and stop replying. While he tests the waters with this new girl he is keeping you on a hook. Once you go into a No Contact and stop replying to him when he reaches out you will see a bit change in his attitude. Be sure to be strong for 45 days and let him panic that he has lost you.
Christina
May 12, 2020 at 3:52 am
I’ve done no contact and completed it. But I saw my ex on a dating site so it makes me hesitant to reach out. We didn’t match (which could mean he didn’t see me on there yet) or it could mean he swiped left. He broke up with me after 2.5 months together. He said he wasn’t ready for another relationship because he hadn’t been single that long (he had just been out of a 5 year relationship for 2 months when he met me). We had also been fighting often so maybe he sees no hope in us working. What should I do?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
May 19, 2020 at 8:39 pm
Hi Christina, so I would reach out with a text that Chris suggests but be sure that you can start re building your connection and work your way up the value ladder