Learn When The No Contact Rule Won't Work On Your Ex

748 thoughts on “When NOT To Use The No Contact Rule On Your Ex Boyfriend”

And I'm Lost

March 4, 2017 at 6:59 am

Hi,
I have bit weird story here…
We were a couple for more than 4 years, and engaged for 2 years. I suffer PTSD caused by huge trauma from childhood connected with physical and sexual abuse from one of my parents, and because of my trauma I developed chronic depression and at times challenging behaviors and mood swings. I am nearly 35, and he is 31.
I suffer from constant fear that I will be abandoned, and when I felt down on my mood I was acting quite cold and pushing away my ex fiancé from me. I was giving back ring few times to him during very stupid argues because I thought that he will leave me anyway, but we always been able to have reasonable conversation afterwards and communicate our needs and problems.
Until the last time… Last few months I was particularly difficult, I had problems in work connected with bullying and some health troubles, and we were also planning to move to Italy, his country. I got scared, because I can’t speak Italian, I started to panic about how I will communicate with his family (which I know already well and already love very much, and I love his mum like a real mum), how I will get the job? And I started The Argue. At last point I took off the ring. And he said nothing. I ran upstairs (we rent the house in London), cried, then got very angry, because he texted our common best friends, and they started to text me nagging me to apologize to him. I got very upset about the fact that he went out with argue to them, and when he came next day to speak and be together again, I told him no. (It was 11/02/2017)
I wanted to speak to him next day, he told me NO. and that I am a monster, and should never be with anyone.
I cried, cried and cried. Of course I begged him. I even bought him flowers (he still keeps them). He just kept saying no. And didn’t let me to touch him. He decided to leave UK alone, go back to his family, and like he said, to learn to love himself again.
On the valentines, we talked. Calm. I promised I will go for therapy (I started), I will work on myself, change the job that drains my positivity, and we will meet again during this summer in the place where we met.
We still live in the same house, until the end of March, and he got much warmer to me. He cuddles me, he let me cuddle him, we fell asleep few times cuddling. He text me, being curious about my work, day, what I am doing, etc.
however he never said back “I love you” or never kissed me on my lips (hands, face, forehead). He also started to call himself with a nickname that I gave him when we started to live together.
I love him very, very much and I still want to be his wife, I want to share life with him.
What should I do? What would help? I can’t go on no contact rule as long as he and I lives under the same roof.

And I'm Lost

March 5, 2017 at 1:21 am

I’ve checked this rule before, but it also seems to not really fit the situation. He seeks emotional contact with me and initiate it by himself. He’s reaching out, but still don’t want to say aynthing else (I am not asking, encouraging or pressing) beside that it’s a kind of a therapy (which I don’t understand), and there is a hope. He gave me back my ring to keep it. I can’t reject his feelings when he is coming with them to me as I was doing that for last 4 years and a half.
EBR Team Member: Amor

March 5, 2017 at 8:55 pm

You have to set your limits because if you keep giving him what he can get in a committed relationship, he will not commit. You’re not rejecting feelings, because you said it yourself. He’s not saying anything. Say it straight to him if he looks like he’s reaching out, that if he wants to say something, he can say it. But the bottomline is, don’t act like boyfriend and girlfriend if you’re not boyfriend girlfriend. The more you allow it, the more you won’t get out of that cycle because you’re making it easy for him. It’s like, there’s no point of making things more complicated if it’s better now than being back together.
EBR Team Member: Amor

March 4, 2017 at 6:08 pm

Hi,

check this one:
EBR 027: What To Do If You Live With Your Ex Boyfriend

Isabellaa

March 1, 2017 at 9:44 pm

Hello! My ex decided to break up with me roughly two months ago, and then we decided to spend time together to “try again” obviously as the dynamics in the relationship still were the same, he broke up with me for good after a week.

We spent a little more than a year together and our relationship was fantastic in many ways, but I lost my job in order to redundancy and got really depressed. We had arguments about the fact that he didn’t help me clean the apartment, doing dishes, help me with the laundry etc. Silly arguments and I always pushed the buttons and asked him many times to move out in order to save our relationship, but he cried and said he would do better and so on so I decided to stick with it. He was moving to my town and I met him two days after that so I was his “everything” for like 6 months, and then when he met new friends he wanted to be more with them and I got needy and the relationship got shaky.

When he broke up, I pleeded and begged so much and he said no. Then I asked if there was another girl and he said no. I stopped, tried the NC but it didn’t work out so we saw each other to give each other our stuff back, I deleted him on Facebook and his numbers. I try to text friendly text and I do get responds but not to talk further.

Two weeks ago I asked him to meet up for coffee and he said it would be nice but he’s afraid because things can go wrong and I said to him no offense and said I would give him time but I’m not in the same emotional situation as before and just want to see him a last time. He didn’t respond after that so yesterday I sent him a text to explain that I handled the breakup badly and wanted to excuse myself for doing it. He said that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself and “we gave it a try and it didn’t work” so I texted him back that I learn new things everyday, thanked him for the relationship and said that the appology was nescessary for me to move on. He didn’t respond to that either.

He says he distracts himself with partying and friends and said to me that he won’t be able to think about the breakup before he “is completely lonely on perhaps a business trip” or in May when thinks starting to sink in. Is the relationship doomed? I mean, I have done a lot of progress to better myself both on the in- and outside but he don’t seem to trust me on this, because I’ve been so needy. Our best night ever was new years-eve this year, we cooked dinner together for us and celebrated with my friends (who’s also a couple) and he helped me with everything without me even asking for it. I really trying to get over it as I said to him, so i meditate, being out with friends, workout, recently got a new job, start appreciating to be me and be by myself. But have I ruin every chance here? I really love this guy and I know what I did wrong and now that I said everything I wanted to say, I just want him back, but I’ll give him time.. and myself time to grief alone because I obviously not finished yet. So will no contact work?

Thank you so much for the time and effort you put in to this.

Isabella

EBR Team Member: Amor

March 2, 2017 at 11:16 pm

Hi Isabella,

how many days did you do nc and how much did you improve?

Aly

February 26, 2017 at 6:26 pm

Hi. My husband broke up with me 2 weeks ago. We’ve been in a long-distance relationship for many years. His family never agreed with our relationship which caused a lot of distress and arguments between the 2 of us. He moved to another country last year and since he broke up with me he blocked any contact I could have with him. The reason of breakup is because his mother has a sudden severe illness and he told me this relationship is killing her. I was not able to keep with the no contact rule as I sent him a lot of emails. I am truly devastated and I don’t know what to do.He told me he will divorce me, he just needs to find the easiest way out.

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 26, 2017 at 9:37 pm

Hi Ally,

Right now you’re only option is to do the no contact rule, and I think you need to do at least 30 or 45 days.

Marina

February 18, 2017 at 2:15 pm

Detest me*

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 20, 2017 at 5:59 pm

Hi Marina,

tell him being friends isn’t working for you and then do the no contact rule, be active in improving yourself, change massively.. Because right, you’re in friendzone..

Marina

February 18, 2017 at 2:12 pm

Hello. We were best friends before we got together, then after a few months in, he told me he doesnt love me that way anymore. We agreed to be best friends again and we’ve been messaging each other everyday. I know if i ignore him he will become upset and possibly detest me since we’re really close. We see each other quite often too. Should i do the no contact rule? Thank you.
beeble

February 11, 2017 at 5:55 am

I just got broken up with today. He told me he loves me, and the reason he can’t be with me right now is because he is severely depressed. I asked him if we could get back together eventually, and he said “yeah definitely, but please don’t feel obliged to wait for me to get better” and he said he still wants to talk to me when he can and I want to support him as much as I can. He also made sure I knew he really really loves me, and even told me he still thinks I’m amazing. He’s had way more and way longer relationships than ours (2 months vs 2.5 years) yet he’s never cried while breaking up with any of them, but when I called him, he had been crying.

We had planned on moving out in a few months, but eventually he had an anxiety attack about it and was afraid we couldn’t save the money and all the other fears of moving out. It sent me back to my hometown, which is two hours away and his car is a pos and isn’t reliable for two hour drives and he just spent so much time worrying about me and what he was doing and making sure he wasn’t doing anything to upset me that he couldn’t find help for himself. He wants to be able to love me the way he thinks I deserve.

My plan is to get a higher paying job than originally planned, save up a lot of money, and when/if we get back together, to move up there. If he doesn’t want to move in with me at that time but still wants to get back together, i’ll move closer to help him. If we don’t, then I’ll put the money towards my move to California. In the mean time, he has chosen to start seeing a therapist weekly.

I absolutely refuse to do no contact, only because he can’t be manipulated like that. His emotions are eggshells, but in a non-derogatory way. He doesn’t deserve it, and I know with him, it would just make things work. He would ever even imagine doing that to me, no matter how bad he wanted back with me. I just was wondering on your thoughts as to him getting back together with me in a few months when he gets the help he needs.

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 12, 2017 at 5:24 pm

Hi Beeble,

No contact is not a cure for all..And its not manipulation if done for the right reasons.. if you want to keep being there, we respect that but respect yourself and his decision too.. If he wants to focus in improving himself, let him. Just know, you’re not his therapist nor his mom nor his gf.. For now, you chose to be a friend, just be a friend. Keep the boundaries in mind for your self respect

Bardcore

February 9, 2017 at 5:29 pm

Does a quick text to confirm a work schedule change count as breaking no contact?

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 9, 2017 at 9:01 pm

it depends.. do you really need to talk to each other about that or it looks like it’s just your way of talking to him?

Anna

February 9, 2017 at 8:41 am

Hi!
I and a guy have been on and off for several months and we now talked and he said he wasn’t good enough for me and that it’s something missing. He still wants to stay friends.
We’re having almost all our friends in common. We have over 50 mutual friends and almost all of our close friends in common. Only two of them knows about it, but we’re keeping it low. When we’re meeting out I don’t show any feelings but treats him just as I would treat a regular male friend, and it gets a bit awkward. Though now he’s writing that I’m ignoring him, though he thinks I have feelings left. Of course I does. However, I can’t do a no contact period with him, since we’re running into each other at least once a week. But how do I show him that if he’s not willing to commit, I won’t stick around in the same way? How do I continue?

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 9, 2017 at 7:33 pm

Hi Anna,

you have to tell him being friends is not working for you right now and if you can, avoid other meet ups for now. Focus in improving yourself and healing and widen your world. Do new things and add new friends.. You don’t have to forget your old friends, just add new ones. And be active in posting too.

Natasha

February 6, 2017 at 12:57 am

Hey,

I snapped on my boyfriend a few weeks ago because I’m going through a really tough time with anxiety. In the heat of rage I told him I’m done and I don’t want to be with him. But in fact I just want him to respect my boundaries. He has been amazing except for one minor issue that I need to work on because truly it’s not fair for him to have to tip toe around my insecurities and I know that. Anyways, I asked him for my belongings and we did the exchange cordially at work. At the end of that week I had a death in the family so I asked him to talk and do I vented and we spoke about our situation. I said I’m not feeling like myself and I need some time to get my mind together. He said our relationship has always been on my time and it’s not gonna work like that anymore and he loves me to death but it’s not going to work for him. I have a son from a previous relationship that he is very close with they really love each other. That weekend I gave him some space and kept myself occupied but I could sense he has a lot going on and naturally being a caring person and because I love him I wanted him to know I’m still available. I brought him lunch to work he said thanks but he doesn’t need it. Then I sent him a message from my son and he was like how he misses him and I said he can call and speak to him. So he did the following day. Then I got my hopes up and sent him a sexy picture and he rejected me two nights in a row so I’m starting no contact officially as of yesterday. How do I avoid him at work if we cross paths? And I told him he could call for my son, should I still allow that?

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 6, 2017 at 1:33 pm

Hi Natasha,

it’s ok if your son wants to talk to him..check this one:
EBR 032: What To Do If You Work With Your Ex Boyfriend

Jessica

February 3, 2017 at 1:58 pm

My boyfriend has turned into a call and text gnat but he never said he wants me back he used to do 10 calls per day but never said please come back in that case what should I do?

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 3, 2017 at 6:50 pm

Nothing..that’s a good sign..just ignore unless there’s an emergency..

Marah

February 2, 2017 at 4:19 pm

Can you do no contract rule on someone twice ?

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 2, 2017 at 8:59 pm

Hi Marah,

it depends

Deco

January 27, 2017 at 7:54 pm

My partner of 12 years broke up with me in September we have a 8 year old child together I found out she likes some guy a lot who lives 3 hrs away we still living together I can’t move financial problems I’m gotta stay here until may I love her and my daughter what can I do should I give her a radio silence or should just don’t talk to her anymore need all the help I can get

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 28, 2017 at 11:37 am

Hi Deco,

check this one:
EBR 027: What To Do If You Live With Your Ex Boyfriend

John

January 18, 2017 at 5:09 am

After six years of living together, my GF decided she needed her independence and left rather abruptly. For months we stayed in contact, talked about staying friends and getting back together. She leaned on me for emotional support despite providing nothing of the sort in return, so I initiated NC to finally recover. This period of time included her birthday and the holidays, but I stayed strong and didn’t message or respond to anything. It seems to have had a negative impact on her, and, according to mutual friends, she’s pretty hurt and upset. When I do run into her on occasion, she ignores me and pretends she didn’t see me. Even though we don’t communicate, these instances cause my heartbreak to start all over again. There was a lot of drama socially and financially, so I wish to just move on. But regularly seeing my ex combined with her reaction of acting like I don’t exist is pretty painful after all this time. How shall i respond and move on in this situation?

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 18, 2017 at 7:22 pm

Hi John,

if you really want to move on, just accept how she wants to acts.. you don’t have to react to it.. Be civil with her and polite, if she ignores that, let it be..

Char

January 14, 2017 at 9:35 pm

My Ex boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years and he broke it off under a month a go saying he needed space, confused etc. Over that period we had talked once and a while (all initiated by him). At one point we decided to try again but i know he had been flirting with this girl from his work on facebook. I told him I didn’t want to play second best to anyone and that I was lost if he didn’t stop. I still love him and know he is going through a difficult confusing time, trying to find himself. I have decided to cut off social media and do no contact. Is it too late for this?

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 15, 2017 at 4:40 pm

Hi Char,

nope.. I think it’s not yet too late

Natasha

January 11, 2017 at 2:09 am

Hi,
Me and my ex broke up about a week ago (Wednesday) but we had been in contact off and on until Saturday when we agreed to meet and talk after me begging him. We never met as he told me that he lied about something because he knew I would take it badly even though there wasnt bad intentions there, I rang him after he sent me the message saying we couldn’t meet because of it and started shouting. I said that if he was really telling the truth his actions like prove it and would come and see me and then put the phone down. He then sent me texts saying he would never do that because I don’t do that for him, that I make him feel bad, when all I ever do is put effort in and get nothing back. He constantly turns it back on me instead of owning up to the responsibility. I blocked him on everything then on sunday I thought that he had added a girl and stupidly sent him a message saying I hated him and he hadn’t no respect only to learn that it wasn’t a girl. He sent me a message asking why won’t I leave him in alone and he doesn’t want the relationship. I didn’t reply. He says things like this as he likes to make out it’s his decision. It’s now Tuesday, we’ve not spoke since and I still have him blocked but he unblocked me, mainly so I can see the things that he has been liking, stuff to do with love turning into hate or a picture of a celeb couple with a nice caption about being together. I don’t know if he’s doing it for my attention or to show he’s moving on. I’m going to continue with NC but I just don’t know if it’s going to work, I’ve tried it before with him and it worked but feels different this time. We had been together for 6 months but even though the day before we argued we were so happy, once the argument started it escalated even though half way through I said sorry to sort it yet it got worse even though I was trying. I’ve counted that 30 days NC will end up being around a week before Valentines Day, is a really bad time to start getting in contact again as it might seem I’m only bothered about that instead of us. Also, I’m worried that he’ll find someone for Valentine’s Day if I do keep up NC, he used to be that type of person so it’s worrying. Please help!

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 11, 2017 at 12:38 pm

Hi Natashs,

even if you dont do nc, he still doesnt want to talk to you. So you have no other better choice than nc.. you cant control if he will get a date or not..what you csn control is how much you can improve yourself

lovestruck

January 11, 2017 at 1:12 am

My ex broke up with me about a year and half ago but I am still completely in love with him. I tried no contact for 3 months at the beginning and within 4 months we were talking again. We were talking everyday until 4 months later he cut me off saying its not a good idea to be talking. We still talk on and off and see each other regularly at mutual friends’ parties. We have also hooked up three times since all within the last month but thats the only contact I have with him. He messaged the day after our last hook up and said he had fun and asked me how my day was going but no contact since then. I was wondering if I should try no contact again? Its kind of difficult as I will be seeing him again this Friday and next Saturday at events.

History: We know each other since highschool and started dating 3 years after graduation. We were really good friends before we started dating and we’ve been on good terms after the break up too. We are each others first loves and he was my first bf. We dated for 6.5 years and he broke it off saying he doesnt see us being compatible in the future.

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 11, 2017 at 12:24 pm

Hi Lovestruck,

you became his friend with benefits.. even if you do no contact again, what matters more is how much you will change and attract him back.. and if he is attracted back, how strong you can be in resisting to be his friend with benefit again

Jo Ann

January 10, 2017 at 8:49 pm

I stopped taking to my ex the night before thanksgiving, I was angry at him for not calling me all day, not even in his free time. We have spoke about this several times and I told him how I felt about it but he still wasn’t making an effort to change so I just went cold turkey for about ten days I ignored his calls. When I calmed down I tried reaching out and then he started ignoring me j felt so bad, I kept calling and sending text messages and let voicemails still nothing! I sent him edible arrangements to a store near his house and had them call him to go get it and still nothing. I wrote him a letter a week before Christmas and still nothing . At that point I felt really low and stopped calling him for like eight days then he sent a text a very vague one saying “ITS THE SIMPLE THINGS IN LIFE THAT COUNTS LIKE RESPECT” I was confused so I decided not to respond until the next day and told him ” IF YOU’RE IMPLYING THAT I WAS DISRESPECTFUL TO YOU THEN THATS INDEED A FICTICIOUS STATEMENT ” he never responded and I went on as if nothing happened. On New Year’s Eve I posted a photo on FB and he clicked liked on it, I didn’t know what to think of it so I did nothing. About 4 days ago I sent him a text saying I was passing a hotel like the one we stayed at and how it reminded me of him. I got no reply . About two days ago I called him he picked up and I said hey Del and he hung up on me, or I think he did I called again no answer, and again ,no answer. At this point I was crushed. Although it was early in the evening I went to bed cause I didn’t know what else to do or how to feel. Something within me said call him again and I did, STILL NO ANSWER, so I was getting ready to send him a voice note because at this point I was furious but I felt a sudden urge to use the rest room while using the restroom my phone rang…. IT WAS HIM I said hello he said hello did you try to call me? I said ” you saw me calling don’t do that ” then I started laughing I said so what’s up he said he was fine asked what’s up with me I said nothing much we asked about each other’s families I told him I was gonna finish packing up my online orders and I said goodnight and that was it. I haven’t called him since it’s now been two days and I don’t know what next . PLEASE HELP!

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 11, 2017 at 12:01 pm

Hi Jo Ann,

it’s good that he called but all your past actions are chasing and shows desperation.. it’s not attractive..every time you contact him after that, it’s like you’re chasing him. If you want a restart, he has to think first that you have moved on, improver and just being friendly..for a chance of that, doing the no contact rule is better..if he doesnt reply after the no contact rule, dont gnat him.. I think you should do 45 days

Maria

January 9, 2017 at 4:58 am

Hi there,
I bought Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO a few days ago. I was hoping to see if it would help me in my situation. My ex broke up with me 2 years ago after 2 1/2 years of dating. He initiated the break up. Told me his feelings were gone and felt that we fought too much. I’m ashamed to say that I begged for him back, tears and all but he still said no. Since then his feelings would come back, but then go away again. Back and forth. We would also get intimate. I have been putting up with all this until now and I really don’t know how. I love him very much and see him in my future. I have tried No Contact about twice before but I broke it every time. We are still currently speaking and are very good friends. He just recently told me he started talking to another girl and thinks she may be interested in him. He and I made plans to see each other this week. I want to try No Contact just one more time and actually go through with it, but I’m unsure of when to start. When is the best time to start? Will this product help with my situation? Thanks so much for your time in reading this.

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 9, 2017 at 5:13 pm

Hi Maris,

it can help, so it’s best if you really read through it..but if you’ve been like that for 2 years, then you’re probably friendzoned already.. why are you going to meet up?

Della

January 3, 2017 at 2:33 am

Hi,
My husband found me cheating on him.There was a big chaos around our families got involved in it however I continously said sorry to him and nearly after a month he started talking to me properly.I used to text him sorry message after 5-7 days.
I used to make him feel he is so important to me and actually he is very important to me.
The problem is now matter is with our families and I don’t know for how long our parents will take to come to a decision. I want to know whether my husband has actually forgave me if yes thenwhat pattern I need to follow to continue talking to him since we are not staying together. How I should make him stay with me and love me again.
Once We met during this period and he kept on saying he love me even after Al this, he wants me equally. He hugged me tightly with even more passion and spark.
I am scared to lose him because I feel I can’t live without him.I spend my entire day thinking about him will I be able to get him again.
Please help what type of pattern I should follow in my case if I have to stay far from him for another 1 month.
He don’t call and message from his side but he always responds to my messages and call. He says it upsets him when he think of the betrayal.
Please help

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 5, 2017 at 1:19 pm

Hi Della,

what’s the matter with the parents? How old are you both? Check these links:
Fix Your Relationship If You Cheated On Your Ex Boyfriend Before Its Too Late (Video)
The Definitive Guide On Getting Your Ex Husband Back

Jake

December 19, 2016 at 12:12 am

My boyfriend and I are both 16 We we’re together for 8months the last month we had broken up and gotten back together twice I begged for him back both times the first time he took me back saying he could never stop loving me and we were stuck like glue two weeks later he broke up with me due to suspicion of cheating ig and I begged for days again he took me back again but he barely texted me or called he lives in another town …he made no efforts to see me like he used to then a week or two later he broke up with me on our 8 month anniversary saying “it’s just not working we made as well just end things here and spare the arguments and heartache” and also “…the shit is just not there for me anymore …and I try to convince myself like maybe it can change maybe I can get those feelings back …but there just gone …an with that being said I can’t put effort in with no feelings there ” I called him immediately and he said he wish he didn’t feel the way he did but that’s what it is I asked him if he had someone else he said no I told him I needed to see him one more time and he said he would come that Saturday he never came … it’ll be a week since we broke up this Tuesday and I’m honestly scared….I’ve been doing NC and it hurts so much because he got a new job and a new number (not intentionally) and he seems like he’s really done like he’s moving on today he unfollowed me on Instagram I’m truly afraid and it’s crazy because I love him with every piece of me when I’m telling I need help I NEED HELP PLEASE ME AND THIS BOY ARE SUPPOSED TO SPEND OUR LIVES TOGETHER!!!!!!THIS WEBSITE IS MY ONLY HOPE LEFT !!!!! PLEASE HELP SOMEONE!! will he forget about all things we planned to do all our happy times we’ve had a lot of bad times BUT WE ALWAYS BOUNCED BACK …. I he used to be head over hills in love with me when I was a dick to him and when I care he loses feelings the way this is going it looks like If I keep doing NC it’s gonna be easier for him to move on and live his life THIS IS URGENT!!!

EBR Team Member: Amor

December 22, 2016 at 9:28 am

Hi Jake,

nc is not going to make him move on, because he already did. He broke up with you because he fell out of love. So, that means chasing him will just annoy him and that’s not attractive too. If you really want a chance, he has to regret leaving you. So, you have to be active in posting in social media. When he gets curious why you have not been chasing anymore, and checks your account, then he will see it’s because you’re active on other things.. There’s no guarantee that thr nc will work but what I’m sure is that, the more you get clingy and desperate, the less attractive you’ll be..and you’ll also lose self respect..

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