So, you want your ex husband back.
After hours of searching you somehow found this site. Maybe you are a repeat visitor waiting for my new article to be released. Perhaps you are a first time visitor just looking for something that is well written and can help you make sense of your situation.
Whatever the case allow me to introduce you to the last “get your ex back” site that you will ever visit.
Welcome to Ex Boyfriend Recovery!
Now, before you click the “back” button on your browser let me just say that when I initially created this site I had no idea how big it would become. It was just supposed to be a small project to test the waters of website development. Well, about a year later I have literally communicated with thousands of women and helped a good portion actually get their exes back.
The point I am trying to make is that when I was creating this site I didn’t ever dream that I would get women all over the world asking for my help. Thus, I didn’t even think about what a devastating situation that the women who wanted their ex husbands back would be in.
Today that changes!
For the past few weeks I have been compiling information to write a massive step by step guide that can help women who want their husbands or fiances back. It just so happens that, that guide is this guide!
What This Guide Will Cover
I am just going to tell you up front that this free guide will probably be better than 90% of the products or books that you would have to pay for. However, the downside of it is that I am dealing with a bit of headwind on my end. You see, the longer my guides get the more they slow down my site and your experience here can suffer because of that. As a result, I am not going to be able to include everything you absolutely will need to get your husband back.
Don’t worry though because I have come up with a solution.
You see, a few months ago I began to see a problem with my site. Through interacting with visitors such as yourself I noticed that you wanted details. Not just tiny details but big ones. You wanted me to tell you everything there was to know about men. Well, therein lies the problem because in order for me to tell you everything you would need to know about the way a male mind works I would literally have to write a book…
So, I did.
Essentially, it is my ultimate guide to getting an ex back. If you really want the details behind the process I discuss on this page I highly recommend you check it out. You don’t have to right now because I want you to grasp the things I talk about on this page first.
You will notice that I will be putting links throughout this page to my E-Book. I will be doing this in strategic spots where I personally think that you will need more information in order to succeed. Ok, now that we have that out of the way lets talk about some of the things that this guide will be covering.
I will be discussing:
- Common reasons that couples divorce/separate.
- What goes on in the mind of a man after divorce or separation.
- Talking about if you will need to re-attract him or not?
- How to become the best version of yourself/ the ungettable girl.
- When to use the no contact rule.
- Realistic goals to set.
- Texting/calling methods.
- How to get him to commit to you again.
If none of the stuff above makes sense don’t worry I promise you it will after you read this page. That’s the thing though. If you really want to improve your chances you need to read this page top to bottom. You can’t slack on this process or I promise you that you will be left in the dirt.
Lets get started!
My Warning & Your Mindset
I am not in the business of leading people on. There is a chance that you may never get your ex hubby back again.
I know that has to be the most hurtful words you have heard in a while but it is a reality that you have to face.
That is really what this is all about though isn’t it? You are afraid that your ex husband is going to be out of your life for good so you came to this page because of that fear. Lets just set all of our cards out on the table for a second now.
You aren’t going to get your ex husband back…..
At least not with the way you are approaching things right now. You are scared, desperate and probably depressed. You are afraid you will say or do the wrong thing that will push him farther away from you. If you are going to have a good shot at getting your ex husband back you can’t be desperate. You can’t be depressed and you sure as heck can’t be afraid.
I want you to face your fear! I want you envision a life without him (even if it seems impossible.) I know, I know you had those long walks that one time where you thought to yourself “Wow, this is it. This man is my life and I won’t be able to live without him.” Well, the truth is that he is not your life (you are living your life right now) and you CAN live without him.
In order for me to do my job of significantly raising your chances to get your ex husband back I need a little something from you. I need you to adopt this mindset:
I want him back but I don’t NEED him back.
In other words, going forward I want you to really work on not relying so much on HIM. Right now is the time for YOU to be reliant on yourself. Do this and I think you will be surprised at how many amazing things can happen.
Common Divorce/Separation Reasons
Before I start diving into the reasons I need to explain why I put divorce and separation together. Technically divorce and separation are very different things. However, for the process that I am going to recommend to you on this guide they need to be treated as the same thing, a breakup.
Obviously a divorce is a much more hurtful form of breaking up with someone because things like (money, assets and children) can get involved. However, for this guide to work you need to put divorce and separation on the same level for a while.
One of the most important things that you have to do before you start taking any action in getting your husband back is to look at the reasons that caused your divorce or separation in the first place. Below I have listed a few of the most common reasons that cause married couples to go their separate ways.
- Lack of Communication
- Major Change In Priorities
This is always a tough one for me to hear about. Not only because it is like being stabbed in the back by someone you trust but research indicates that cheating is very common. When I write for this site I always do my best to keep my own personal opinions out of the way. I want to deal strictly with what I know to be true. However, when it comes to cheating I honestly can’t resist.
There are some situations where I think women shouldn’t try to get their husbands back if they cheated on them. Those situations include: cheating multiple times, cheating with multiple people and cheating with the same person often. Generally speaking men who do these types of things aren’t ideal to be in a serious relationship (like marriage.)
Sure, if they slipped up once and feel horrible about it then maybe you can forgive them. However, if they knowingly cheated on you with someone else MULTIPLE TIMES then we have a problem.
You thought it would be easy didn’t you?
There was a time when it seemed like just the two of you against the world… until it wasn’t. The truth of the matter is, is that marriage is a lot of work, hard work. You have to make sacrifices, compromise and perhaps the scariest thing of all, you have to trust someone completely.
If one of you was too lazy to put in the proper amount of time and effort that a marriage requires you are probably no longer together. There is a bright side though as this means you have a legitimate case for wanting your ex husband back.
Lack of Communication
It’s not just you.
Every couple who breaks up potentially has this problem. Relationships are all about communication and if you are lacking in this area then your relationship is probably lacking as well. For a couple who is married communication is even more important as everything you do can directly or indirectly affect your significant other.
It is interesting though, lack of communication can directly tie into the other (causes for divorce or separation) above. If you don’t communicate enough it is probably because you are lazy. At the same time a lack of communication could be occurring because one of you is having an affair.
Major Change In Priorities
When it comes to human thoughts and emotions there are no rules. People who were good their entire life can go bad while people who were bad can go good. The end lesson here is that all people can potentially change. If your ex husband (or you) changed it could have lead to the devise of your marriage.
Some common examples of changes can include: religious changes, jobs, children, friends.
Understanding Men After Divorce/Separation
(To understand men and use that knowledge to your advantage check out Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO.)
Someone once asked me how she could understand her ex husband (after a really horrible divorce.) The advice I gave her was simple…
Take out a dart board, a blindfold and a few darts because men are all over the place when it comes to divorce.
In this section I am going to attempt to let you into the mind of a divorced man. A word of warning though, be careful because you may be a little scared at what you find. No really, this is like opening pandoras box because I am not going to be talking about the “PG” version of divorce here we are going all the way up to the “R” version.
Now, you may be wondering what exactly makes me qualified to talk about this subject when I have actually never been divorced before. While I will admit that it hurts my credibility a little bit I can say that I have a very unique perspective because I have friends who ARE divorced.
Through talking with this friends who have experienced it and watching them at various bars try to hit on women I can say I have a pretty good idea at what divorce or separation can do to a man.
It Will Be Your Fault No Matter What
Wow, that is kind of mean to say isn’t it? I mean, it may not even be true.
When it comes to the mind of a man reason is thrown out the window. Of course, there are a lot of people that say that about women but the truth is I don’t think only women are crazy. I think men are too!
What did the great George Carlin once say?
Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Men are stupid I will freely admit that right now. Let me give you a prime example on how stupid men are using the best example, ME!
When I was younger and very immature I once dated a girl.
Anyways, this girl and I did not have a really great relationship. We fought a lot and I was constantly jealous of how much attention she would give other guys (as opposed to me.)
The jealousy turned into anger and I eventually just started picking fights for the sake of picking fights because I was so unhappy. Of course, every time I would pick a fight with her I would always latch on to something she had did wrong in the past making it her fault.
See, men are just idiots.
Now, the big takeaway I want you to take from this section is that it is very likely that you will be blamed for the divorce. Even if you were perfect in the marriage you will be blamed. Men love to play the victim card. Well, perhaps that is not entirely true. PEOPLE love to play the victim card.
Nevertheless, I have seen some men who were serial cheaters blame their wives for their cheating. It is a really sad thing to see but it happens all the time.
Why am I telling you all of this?
Simple, I want you to be prepared for being “blamed” for the demise of your divorce no matter what. While it may not be technically true I want you to develop a thick skin so comments or thoughts of this nature don’t have much of an effect on you.
The Sadness Inside
I have two friends who are both divorced. One of them despises his wife and the other doesn’t.
While they both handled their divorce differently there is one common link that they both share, you can look and just see they are sad inside. I think I am a different than a lot of people in one specific way, I see the world a little differently than they do.
Most people would look at my two friends and not be able to see the sadness that I see. Most people would think thoughts like “Wow, he is really handling his divorce great.” The truth is they aren’t and I am about to tell you why!
Out of respect for my friends I am not going to be telling you their names. I am simply going to refer to them as Divorcee 1 and Divorcee 2.
We will start with Divorcee 1 because I find his situation fascinating. I initially met this person because he was my best friends uncle. He was a very talkative and funny guy who had literally just got divorced. Anyways, he and I ended up going to a local bar. Immediately his first thought was that he wanted to pick up some women.
He quickly spotted a potential candidate and struck up a conversation. I didn’t find her attractive at all but he was desperate for some “companionship” so I didn’t say anything. I didn’t focus on him much after that as I got to talking with some other members of our group. However, about 40 minutes later Divorcee 1 walked up and just started talking to me. He said that he really wanted to sleep with the woman at the bar.
“What do you think?”
“Well, honestly I think you could do better…”
He had a bewildered look on his face shocked that someone would be this honest with him. Before this point any time he would talk about his ex wife he called her every imaginable ugly name in the book. However, the situation had changed. He had appreciated that I was honest with him and it gave him a little trust in me.
While I admit that he may have been a little buzzed from the drinks he proceeded to tell me his true feelings about his ex wife.
“How could she do this to me man? I don’t understand. How did I get here?”
Others in the group saw the man who was happy and hitting on women at the bar but I saw something very different that night. I saw a man heartbroken that he had just lost his wife.
Divorcee 2 is a good friend of me who has been divorced for six years. Yes, SIX years.
To this day he still probably hates his wife and quite honestly I don’t blame him. However, there is something interesting that I have noticed about him. While he hates his wife he still cares for her in some weird kind of way. So, let me give you some background on his situation so you know what we are dealing with here.
Divorcee 2 as far as I can tell is a pretty good guy. In relationships he doesn’t cheat and is committed to the person. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said about his ex wife. His ex wife ended up cheating on him five different times with FIVE different guys.
One of these guys that she cheated on him with was his best friend. Coincidentally, this is how he caught her..
He came home one day and walked in on them. When he told me this story I was horrified but he has a pretty good attitude about it now saying:
“It was pretty surreal… like something out of a movie.”
Perhaps the most interesting thing about Divorcee 2 is how he reacted to the divorce six years later. I am sure if you asked him now if he is completely over his ex wife he would say he is but I see something completely different. He has yet to go on a date in these six years. That means he has essentially not dated anyone in six years after his divorce.
Whether he will admit it or not the actions of his wife affected him on some very deep levels.
A Self Made Ego Boost
All men have egos. Some are bigger than others obviously. When you married your husband his ego got a pretty big boost. There is something magical about finding someone who you think you can spend the rest of your life with. You get a sense of accomplishment and pride by “locking” that person down.
But something really interesting happens to a man when he gets married. Studies have shown that women find married men much more attractive than single men. I hear this from my married friends a lot:
“When I was single no woman would hit on me but now that I am married I get women coming up to me all the time.”
It makes sense if you think about it though. Through my interactions with women on this site and in my own personal life I have learned that women generally want something more than the “casual relationship” that most men want. You want someone who will commit to you like you will commit to them.
Well, who shows better commitment than a married man?
Now, I am not saying that this phenomenon happens to every married man out there but to the ones it does happen to something interesting occurs. The man will become more confident and develop an inflated ego.
“Not only do I have the power to convince this beautiful women to marry me but I can get others begging for me as well!”
The whole point I am trying to make here is that YOU are the reason this phenomenon has happened. YOU are the reason for his ego boost and confidence. So, when the two of you divorce that confidence and sense of self worth is tarnished. He used to be able to say:
“I have a wife”
After the divorce that phrase turns into
“I have an ex wife.”
While he may hate you or blame you for the divorce (even if it wasn’t your fault as I discussed above) he will always feel like a failure because he couldn’t get his marriage to work. As a result all of the ego boosts, confidence and sense of self worth will vanish and be replaced with sadness, grief and maybe depression.
Here is where things get really interesting though because this ties into the two divorcee’s I was talking about above. In the example above I talked about the two divorcees and how they handled the breakup of the marriage. If you recall:
- Divorcee 1: Went out to pick up women to make himself feel better.
- Divorcee 2: Hasn’t been on a date in six years.
(Disclaimer: These are real people that I am friends with in my personal life. In order to protect their identities I will not reveal their names.)
So, both of these men went through the process I am describing in this section (being married = confidence, self worth, divorce = sense of failure and sadness, grief.)
When these men lost their self worth through their divorce they were faced with two paths. They could either:
1. Try to move on from the divorce in a healthy way
2. They could wallow in sadness and grief.
Unfortunately, both of these men decided to go down path two but they did it in different ways. Which I will explain to you below:
Divorcee 1 did exactly what I am trying to describe to you in this section. He created a self made ego boost to help him cope with the divorce. You see, his identity as wrapped up in his entire marriage. Keep in mind, he was married for well over 16 years to this woman so being alone after that time is almost like being born again for the first time. While he did have newfound freedom everything he identified himself with ended the second his ex wife left him. You see, he had gotten so wrapped up in the marriage “confidence and ego boost” that he almost became addicted to it. So, in order to regain the confidence and sense of self he was used to in the marriage he created a self made ego boost.
Of course, in order for a self made ego boost to work he has to go out in the real world and show it off. The way that Divorcee 1 did this was by going to bars and trying to pick up women. As a casual observer witnessing him do this was a little hard to watch. While the women who he hit on were delighted, because he is not a bad looking guy, I knew the truth. He was simply using those women to make himself feel better.
Divorcee 2 went down the same path as divorcee 1 except there was one big difference, he never tried the self made ego boost. Instead, he let the divorce defeat him. While I cringed watching divorcee 1 pick up women I just feel really bad for divorcee 2 because he hasn’t been able to make an emotional connection with anyone in six years.
His wife cheating on him hurt him on a very deep level and as a result he has sabotaged himself over and over again any time a woman shows interest in him.
To Re-attract Him Or Not?
(If you would like to learn more about the steps to attracting your ex husband back please check out Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO.)
Now that you have a bit of insight into your ex husband we can start turning our attention to what you can do to get him back. But first, there is an important question that we must answer.
In order to get your ex husband back do you have to re-attract him?
I expect there to be some debate about this but I actually think you do. Look, I am not denying that what you did before didn’t work. After all, you got this person to marry you which is a pretty big deal. However, the two of you are now either divorced or separated which is also kind of a big deal. Something happened along the way that ruined things. Maybe it was an affair, a lack of communication or someones emotional needs not being met. Whatever the case, there is work to do (from both sides) and the best way to “re-attract” him is to set goals.
The New & Better Relationship
Once upon a time you and your ex husband were happy. The two of you had your little inside jokes, you knew each other inside and out and couldn’t get enough of it!
That was once upon a time. It is time to come back down to reality where things are not that great. He either hates you (and you want him back,) you hate him (but still want him back) or you want her back (and she hates you.) I have worked with a lot of people over the past year trying to repair their relationships. I do my best to give them advice, advice that I have seen work. In the end though, it is completely up to the person whether to implement it or not. Sometimes they do and sometimes they don’t.
Usually, the ones that don’t implement it come back to this site to leave a comment telling me:
“I messed up..”
“Is it too late for me to do what you told me?”
Now, I am not saying my advice works 100% of the time but generally the people who follow it tend to have better results. Of course, the ones that have tremendous results and actually get their exes back make another mistake, they pick up right where they left off.
It is sad to see but a lot of times what will happen is someone I give advice to that actually gets their ex back will end up breaking up with their them because they don’t know how to move forward. Simply put, they are stuck in the past and think about their old relationship too much which in turn ruins their second chance at happiness.
I know enough about this process to understand why they make this mistake. After all, it is sometimes very hard to forgive someone who you were at war with for a few months or years. Nevertheless, if you want this to work you really need to focus on creating a new and better relationship the second time around.
THAT is your big goal!
In the previous section I talked about how you really need to set a goal if you want to re-attract him. Really, the ultimate goals to getting your ex back is to:
A. Get them back.
B. Live happily ever after.
In order to do both of those things you have to work on creating a new and better relationship with your ex husband.
“Okay…. but how do we do that?”
Like most things in life you have to make some changes if you want to accomplish something big. It just so happens that for this you have to look inward.
Your New Physical Mindset
I am going to be honest with you.. This website sometimes makes me very tired. I spend a lot of my day writing in-depth guides like this one. When I finally do finish the guide and make it live the visitors coming to this site usually take a few days to devour it. Once they do, they have a lot of questions which show up in the comments or in my email inbox. The site has grown to such a size now (happy about that 🙂 ) that I will get anywhere from 100 to 120 emails and comments a day all asking in-depth questions.
These questions usually go like this:
- “Do you think I have a chance?”
- “Does he still love me?”
- “Is this new girl a rebound?”
- “How do I get him back?” (Really….. are you not reading this site?)
The point I am trying to make here is that YOU are asking me the wrong questions and YOU are focusing on the wrong things. Instead of asking me “do I have a chance?” You should be asking me things like “what can I do to become a better version of myself so when the time comes for me to implement your strategies I can improve my chances?”
Before you can get your ex husband back you have to look inwards. Remember, this all starts with YOU. So, preparing yourself is the first step to getting him back. We can start that process first by focusing on the physical things you can do.
The Problem With Marriage
I am not married so I had to do a lot of external research for this guide. The first place I went is to my married friends. By using their perspective about marriage I think I have a pretty good idea on what to talk about here.
There is a problem with marriage and this problem affects you, trust me.
Marriage is boring…
Now, before you swear off this site forever let me make my point and then you can make your judgement.
When you meet someone new it is exciting but eventually that exciting feeling wears off and that someone new just turned into someone old. As a society we are obsessed with the newness of everything.
- New episodes
- New clothes
- New video games
- New computers
- New people buying my E-Book (ahem, how did that get in there 😉 )
This “newness” factor even applies to relationships. This is why you see some people jumping from relationship to relationship (because they are obsessed with that newness feeling.) Now, I bet you are wondering how this applies to you since you were the one to lock down your husband.
Well, it applies but maybe not on the level of everyone else. What can happen is one of you can get comfortable in the relationship. Maybe you let yourself go a little bit or stopped dressing up really nice for your husband. The point is that men notice things like this which is why we are going to have to do something about it :).
Your Physical Changes
You are going to become the hottest version of yourself.
Men are very visual oriented creatures. I often make my mind up about women in the three seconds I initially meet them. Of course, your situation is a little different since you know that at one point your ex husband was so attracted to you that he wanted to marry you!
But that’s not good enough… not anymore at least.
I know I am being hard on you but that is what it is going to take. If you want a massive action to occur (like getting your ex husband to fall in love with you again) then you have to make massive changes yourself. Do you know what the definition of insanity is?
Albert Einstein defines it as the following:
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
You can’t expect to be the same old you to get him back. In fact, you may have tried that already and it obviously hasn’t worked. You need something more.
I recommend you make the following changes to your lifestyle:
- Quit smoking.
- Clean up your diet.
- Begin an exercise routine.
- Revamp your image.
- Get a haircut.
- Buy new clothes.
(I really do a good job of explaining exactly what you need to do here in my E-Book.)
The Importance Of Confidence
Confidence- The quality or state of being certain
You hear all the experts telling you to “be confident” but what does that mean? How can you be confident? What do you have to do?
I have found that the key to confidence is having the ability to overcome your greatest fears. Let me give you an example. A really big fear of mine when I entered college was public speaking. I remember being so afraid of presenting projects in class that I actually dropped a business course on the second day of the semester.
It was some sort class where you would work all semester long on a really big project. You would then be forced to present your findings in front of the class. I was so frightened that I literally got up (right there and then) and dropped the class.
Public speaking gave me the shakes and I couldn’t concentrate on what I was saying and in the end all I would think is “wow, these people must really hate me.”
It was a mental block that I am ashamed to say I was afraid to overcome. Well, that was until about a year ago when I decided to take a business writing class. I took that specific college course because I wanted to overcome my fear of public speaking. I wanted to prove to myself that I could appear confident in front of graduate level business students (even though I was a humanities major with no real reason to be in that class.) I took that specific course because it literally had the same type of project that you would have to present at the end of the year.
Interestingly, our grades for the class weren’t solely in the hands of the professor. Small cards were passed around and students had a chance to grade and leave comments about the presenters presentation. It couldn’t have worked out better because this meant I would get real feedback if I would have been able to achieve my goal of appearing to be “confident” while public speaking.
Make Twain once said:
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear – not absence of fear.
I don’t care what you say but it takes courage to get up in front of 50 people and hold their attention for 10 minutes. If you can’t tell I am one of those people who when they get nervous comes extra prepared. My preparation for this project was simple:
Create the most interesting presentation that the class had ever seen.
Yes, I wanted to be confident but in order to be confident I knew I had to capture everyone’s attention right off the bat. Once I had done that I knew I had to keep their attention. I practiced my presentation for 10 days in a row. I worked on my posture (standing up right and looking at everyone in the room.) I memorized my entire speech to ensure that I wouldn’t stutter or mutter any of “umms…” or “uhhhs..” Finally, I smiled a lot and made sure not to rush. The key to a good presentation is being interesting. The key to a great presentation is being confident AND interesting at the same time.
So, there I was… The last day of school about to get started. I am looking at the class as they are looking back at me. I remember thinking “I practiced so much, I could do this presentation in my sleep… so why am I so nervous?” That all changed once I started the actual presentation. It was like an out of body experience. I was just going on autopilot. Midway through the presentation I remember thinking “Oh my god! Everyone in this class is fascinated they aren’t bored like they were during all the other presentations.” I felt confident, I looked confident and most importantly almost everyone in that class thought I was confident.
I wish I had the feedback pictures so i could show you that I am not making this up but I think I threw them away because this was about a year ago. I do remember one word being used a lot though: confident! Oh, and some girl (I can tell because of her handwriting) criticized my dress attire saying I was too “overdressed.”
The topic of my presentation:
Blogging for Business!
The whole point I am trying to get at here is that anyone can be confident. In fact, it is really easy to be confident. Here is where things get tricky though, it takes work to be confident if you aren’t confident already. However, with enough practice you won’t have to appear confident anymore… YOU WILL be confident!!
No Contact Rule or Not?
(For more on the No Contact Rule and how to use it correctly please reference Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO.)
If you are an avid reader of this site then you probably already know that I am really big into the no contact rule. I recommend it in almost every case I come across but for an ex husband is it still a good idea?
Now that is an interesting question. I will answer it in a little bit but first lets explore why the no contact rule can work.
If you don’t already know what the no contact rule is please reference the definition below:
No Contact Rule: A set amount of time where you will have no contact with your ex. This means no seeing them in person, talking to them on the phone, texting them or social mediaing them.
The beauty of the no contact rule is it acts as a sort of time out where the two parties can calm down and think things through. It especially works if the two parties are used to talking to each other on a daily basis. Hopefully, your ex husband will begin to miss you and start to chase you.
Generally speaking, the madder they get for being ignored the more they care about what you think about them.
If you need further proof that the NC rule works please visit my Products Page to learn much more!
Can It Be Used On Your Ex Husband
In fact, I highly recommend it. For couples who are not married I usually tell them to go 30 days without communicating. However, since you were married to this person I recommend going three months without communicating. Why such a long time? Well, because generally speaking couples who are married last a lot longer than couples who are not. So, giving your ex husband more time to potentially miss you (but more importantly) giving yourself time to evolve into a super version of yourself is essential.
Now, I realize there are a few bumps in the road here. There are some cases where going into NC mode simply won’t be possible because kids are involved and you will have to talk to your ex husband for some odd reason or another. If you are in one of these situations then I recommend you go into limited contact (see definition below:)
Limited Contact- A set amount of time where you will have no contact with your ex husband except for a few cases. In those “few cases” you will keep the contact limited and only about said case. Nothing more, nothing less.
The Game Plan For Getting Your Ex Husband Back
(For a complete rundown of exactly how this plan is supposed to work in action check out my E-Book.)
Before you attempt to get your husband back you are going to need a plan. It just so happens that I have detailed one for you in the form of a beautiful info-graphic (ok, beautiful might be a bit too much.) Nevertheless, say hello to your game plan:
None of that makes sense does it? If it doesn’t that is ok because it is not supposed to. At least not yet. I am going to give you a quick rundown of each “step” of the method below before I start diving into what you really want to know, what to say to your ex husband to get him back.
The No Contact Rule- I have already talked about this above. So, I hope I don’t need to go into too much more detail now but if you have a short attention span (like me) and already forgot let me remind you. To cap off this method you start a no contact rule for 90 days. If you have a conflict with that you are allowed to do a limited contact rule.
Evolve- Again, I talked about this above. Remember the sections on physically and mentally evolving? Well, you are supposed to do that during the no contact rule.
Text Rapport- I will be talking about this in the next section. Essentially, you want to build text rapport with your ex husband. However, while you are building that rapport you have to also be in control of the conversation.
High Points- Getting your ex husband back is all about the halo effect (I will explain that to you) and highlighting the high points of your relationship in the right way.
Recommit- Once you have done all this it is time to see if he will be willing to recommit. If he is (then you just got your husband back.) If not, then I have something that you can do that will make him recommit but it will require more reading from you.
Building rapport with someone who isn’t exactly happy with you is not an easy task. Now, I am going to teach you how to do it (in a sweet and innocent way) but first I need to explain a few things.
First off, I bet you are wondering “why texting?” I mean, you were married to this person so why not just call them up? Here is the issue I have with calling. As I have explained to you above I deal with a lot of women on a daily basis. I think I can legitimately say that I have heard almost every single story in the book. One story that I hear every single day is the
“I called my ex boyfriend/husband and it just made things worse.”
Calling can be tricky. You are expected to know what to say and not lose your temper. A few days ago a friend called me up on the phone asking for advice about men. I was happy to help her but I ran into a problem, I noticed my advice was nowhere near as good as it was on this site.
After we hung up the phone I began wondering why that was. It took me a while but I figured it out, I couldn’t think through my responses.
You see, when I give advice through this website I plan everything out. I have a process I go through. In order for me to give you really good advice it can sometimes take me a while to think through the situation. I mean, for goodness sake take a look at my outline for this guide on the whiteboard at my house:
The point I am trying to make is that if I were to try to explain how to get your ex husband back to you on the phone I might not be as effective because I wouldn’t be able to think through responses. The same can be said about trying to get your ex husband back over the phone, it will most likely not work because you really need to sit and think every move you make over.
Look at it like a real life chess game. It isn’t the quick impulsive player that wins at chess, it’s the slow and controlled one.
The Rules Of Texting
I am going to give you a few quick rules that you need to follow. However, I am not going to go too in-depth into them because I outline them in the E-Book and throughout this site really well.
- Control the conversation at all times (this means you cannot put more effort into the conversation than your ex does. If you do then the dynamic will be you chasing him instead of the other way around.)
- YOU have to be the one that ends the conversation first. (For more information on how to do that please consult Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO.)
- You cannot beg, plead or act desperate (doing so will definitely harm your chances.)
Rapport Starter Text Messages
Before you can do anything to improve your chances of getting your husband back you really need to understand that this process can take some time. Initially, when you begin the texting portion of this game plan your goal isn’t going to be getting him back. It is simply going to be starting a conversation and ending it. You want to be friendly while you are in the conversation but you don’t want the conversation to last very long.
Why are you doing this?
Well, look at it as a way to butter your husband up for the “emotional highpoint” section. You can’t just go in guns a blazing with emotional memories. You need to establish some rapport for a few weeks before you can do that. Lets take a look at some of my favorite rapport started text messages.
The “Did You Hear” Text
The reason this text works as a good conversation starter is the fact that it is so interesting.
“What? What happened last night?”
Few people can resist the urge to respond. Once you have your ex husband hooked you can begin a conversation with him (a short one) and then promptly end it with some of the conversation enders that I talk about in PRO.
The “I Just Saw” Text
This conversation starter is a little riskier than the one above because you are assuming that you and your ex still have strong feelings for each other. The key with this one is to appeal to a small memory with your ex. While I will be going in much more detail about that in the next section you can use this text message as a way to see how your ex responds to a good memory.
Honestly, if I was you I would couple the two conversation texts together. Open up with something interesting yet non threatening like the “did you hear” text above and then somewhere in the short conversation mention the “I just saw” text message. What you are trying to see here is how he responds to the small but happy memory.
Alright, this is where things start to get interesting.
Last week I discussed the “buffy phenomenon” I highly recommend that you read up and learn about that because that is what we are trying to accomplish in this section. If you don’t have the time to go and read up on it then I will give you a quick definition:
Buffy Phenomenon- In order for a husband to come back to you (and keep wanting to come back) you need to highlight the emotional high points of your relationship in the right way.
Do you kind of see what we are trying to accomplish here?
I understand if you are confused (and I don’t blame you.) Allow me to elaborate a little bit.
Have you ever heard of something called the Halo Effect?
This is kind of an important concept to grasp because it is going to tie into the buffy phenomenon and everything that we are trying to accomplish in this section so listen up!
There is a psychological phenomenon known as the Halo Effect.
Halo Effect- When one good quality overshadows the negative aspects of a persons appeal.
I am sure you all have that one friend who is always in a relationship with a really bad guy. You and everybody else can see that he is wrong for her but she refuses to see it, blind to all the negative aspects that he has. Well, that is because his one positive quality is overshadowing all of his negative qualities.
This is the halo effect in action.
Now, most people tend to view the halo effect as a very negative thing. However, I want to take the opposite approach. I want to teach you how you can use it to your advantage.
I was admittedly very worried about writing this in-depth guide because lets be honest, someone who is divorced or separated has a lot of headwind going against them if they want their ex back. However, when I learned about the halo effect I breathed a sigh of relief. This tactic can be very powerful because you can use it to suppress the negative qualities that your ex sees in you.
So, how exactly do you do that?
You are going to use multiple (emotional) high points in your relationship with your husband to act as your super halo effect.
“Wow, that sounds really easy!”
Trust me it is not. You see, the key to making this work is making your ex feel emotional about the memories you chose. Now, I am going to hit the pause button for a little bit because I am guessing that you may be a little confused. I mean, I am throwing out words like halo effect and buffy phenomenon and you are probably scratching your head thinking “what?”
Here is how this process is supposed to work:
- Step 1: Construct a text message that is meant to evoke an emotional response from a positive emotional memory that you shared with your ex husband (aka: the buffy phenomenon.)
- Step 2: Continue the process until you get at least three positive emotional responses from your ex husband (still the buffy phenomenon.)
- Step 3: After three successes with the emotional text messages your ex husbands overall view of you should be changed into seeing you as a romantic partner again (aka: the halo effect.)
How To Construct An Emotional Text Message
Details, details, details!
Oh, did I mention you need to include a lot of details?
All kidding aside the key to picking a good emotional memory to use lies with your ex husband. You see, right now you don’t matter, your husband does. You have to pick an emotional memory that you know for a fact that will affect him on a deep level.
Here is a good mock example of a good emotional memory text message:
There is a lot going on here so lets take some time to deconstruct this.
Over time as you employ this method I am hoping you realize how important story telling is. Your ex won’t feel anything if you are no good at telling a story. The text message above is a carefully constructed story that I made up. By telling it I have accomplished a number of things.
First, notice how I told the other person that their heart used to beat really fast when they would see me? This puts them in that frame of mind automatically. They will think back to the times that they would see me and their heart would beat really fast.
Then I want you to notice that I added a little something at the end of the first text message. The “I kept a secret from you…” line is perfect for making them interested in your next text. The key here is to let their mind wander a little bit. You want your husband to think: is this secret good? Is it bad? What if it is bad? The more you keep them in suspense the more interested they will be in your next text message.
Now, when the time came to send the second message I want you to notice how I appealed to this persons ego. I gave them a compliment which will make them feel really good. It is important that you end the conversation after you send your emotional text messages AND get a positive response because you always want your husband wanting more.
Getting Him To Recommit
(For much more in-depth information about getting your ex to recommit to you I want to recommend PRO!)
This is where things are really going to start coming together for you. This is where you are going to make a move to see your ex husband in person again and talk about your future potential relationship. Hopefully by now your ex hubby will have asked to see you in person again. However, if he hasn’t then I want you to move in and give him a call to ask him out.
It is important to keep your wits about you when you make this call.
As a rule of thumb you need to keep things simple. You are calling to see him and you can’t make it sound like it is that big of a deal.
Because if he feels any pressure from you he may back out and that is not what you want. So, I suggest calling him for a casual coffee or lunch. Something in public and during the day where alcohol won’t be involved.
(Why No Alcohol?- Because it makes you do really really stupid things.)
For more information on getting him to recommit to you please check out this article.