Let me paint you a picture. It a scene out of every girl’s worst dreams who is on the wrong side of a breakup causing her at some point to declare, “I miss my ex boyfriend so much it is killing me”!
One day your life is going great and in walks this guy.
He’s pretty cool.
You and he hang out a few times, spending some time together and eventually start dating.
Your relationship is going well.
And then all of a sudden, it’s no longer going well.
A break up happens! You are left missing your ex boyfriend so much it hurts beyond anything you have ever experienced before.
Your world is flipped upside down.
I get that is a tough journey for anyone who is smitten with their ex.
So with all the angst and anger going on, how do you get your ex boyfriend off your mind?
What we are going to talk about today can apply to you whether your breakup was recent or if it happened several months or even years ago.
So buckle up.
Why Can’t I Get Him Off My Mind?
You’re doing okay, at least you thought so. But, for lot of reasons and depending on what stage you are going through, you will likely find yourself often thinking:
- I miss my ex boyfriend – should I contact him? What should I do to make this awful feeling go away?
- What can I do to forget my ex boyfriend – the pain is almost unbearable.
- What things should I say to him because I miss him so much?
- What should I do if I can’t forget my ex? I feel like my world has ended and I can’t see a life without him.
If this is you, have no fear! I’m glad you found this article.
You are EXACTLY where you need to be!
We are going to go over 4 critical ways to deal with missing your ex boyfriend so you don’t feel so helpless.
Hopefully, one of the things you take away from this today is that each and every person who has ever gone through a breakup has felt exactly like you do right now.
You are not alone.
You should also feel confident after reading this that the methods I lay out for you today will help you win your ex boyfriend back if that is your ultimate goal.
You just have to trust the process and be patient.
A Quick Guide to How to Cope With Missing Your Ex Boyfriend
We here at EBR have dedicated our lives to helping people after the loss of a relationship. So we don’t just have our own experiences we’ve learned from. We have helped thousands of people through every imaginable situation. And we have studied the best ways you can achieve your goals, whatever they may be.
Often people want quick solutions and answers to what are often very complicated relationship questions. So let me give you something to work with, but I strongly encourage you to read the rest of this Missing Your Ex Guide so that you have a much better idea of what you can do if you are missing him and feel lost, plagued with lonely and emptiness each and every day you wake up.
The first thing you need to do when you can’t get your ex boyfriend out of your head is to realize that these feelings, however powerful they may be now, will eventually subside if you dedicate yourself to embracing a well considered ex recovery plan.
4 Critical Ways To Deal With Missing Your Ex Boyfriend
It is easy to lose sight of the big picture when your boyfriend has dumped you. Immediately you will be confronted with a variety of different emotions. Shock, bewilderment, and anger usually follow in that order. You will find yourself going through a whole series of emotions as you try to cope with the reality that your ex boyfriend has had a different view of you and the relationship all along.
But that won’t stop your heart from feeling broken and at the same time you will be swamped with feelings of longing to be with him again. The desire to connect with him just one more time may be overwhelming, ultimately causing you to potentially say or do things that can make it all worse.
So you best have a plan to deal with all the twists and turns of your shifting emotions and desires.
1. Accept That It’s Okay and Natural to Miss Your Ex Boyfriend
I know it may feel unnatural to miss your ex boyfriend, like you should be past this already. This is especially true if the breakup was a long time ago.
However, we here at EBR actually believe that it is okay to miss your ex boyfriend, as long as you don’t let that dictate your actions.
You see? After a breakup you are almost programmed to miss your ex boyfriend, even after a prolonged period of time has gone by.
The primary reason for this is your body and, more specifically… your hormones are working against you.
You’re sitting there like…
Yep, I said it, your body is working against you.
That sucks right?
And even, though it sucks, as someone who studies breakups… it’s kind of interesting.
For example, how cool is this that you can learn to master your own thoughts by shifting the natural chemicals being released in your body.
Relationships function in the brain almost exactly like an addiction. There have been experiments done using MRIs that show that feelings of love engage the same areas of the brain that are activated when addicts are actively using whatever it is that they are addicted to.
So what the heck does this mean in non-science terms?
Love is a drug!
Another reason that it is completely normal for you to miss your ex boyfriend is because of these darn things we form every single day called “habits.”
We already know that love functions in your brain like an addition. Well, addictions are formed from habits.
Don’t believe me?
Let’s use alcohol addiction as an example.
The first time an alcoholic gets drunk, he or she will not become addicted. However, if they do this repeatedly for a prolonged period of time, they will likely become addicted.
Repeatedly exposing yourself to something that generates addictive chemicals in the brain, like dopamine and norepinephrine (i.e. produces a dizzy in love feeling), builds a habitual return to being with the object of your fancy. Yep, we are talking about your ex.
Habits are also developed based on your day to day life.
With the alchoholic, their person’s everyday life involves alcohol, because they keep returning to it.
Now, let’s think about it in terms of your relationship.
When you were dating your ex boyfriend you probably:
- Spent a lot of time THINKING about him
- Spent a lot of time TALKING with him
- Spent a lot of time… WITH him
Even though you are no longer together, those habits might take a long time to break. You might even return to them if they were usually initiated by an external trigger, like hearing the text alert on your phone.
See, told you!
It is totally normal to miss your ex boyfriend.
Although, some of you may be left wondering:
“Why Do I Only Miss Him Occasionally?”
You may not miss him all the time or for prolonged periods of time, but e that feeling sneaks back in.
So, why the heck is this happening?
I know that if you were all standing here and I asked for a show of hands, I’d be looking out over a sea of hands.
Getting over someone doesn’t happen over night and it takes a long time to break that habit of thinking about your ex every now and again. The time between “cravings” will become longer. But that won’t stop you from being tempted from time to time.
Let’s go back to what we talked about earlier.
Love is an addiction. As sad as this may be, there is something that comes with addiction… relapse.
Missing your ex boyfriend suddenly and giving into that feeling is essentially a relapse. Your emotional need to be with your ex boyfriend is tugging on you in ways that are hard to control.
There is good news in here if you are only missing your ex periodically.
Your brain has started the process of moving on… or for the sake of the analogy… recovering.
Every once in awhile your brain is going to revert back to those previous addiction-related habits. This is why two years after a breakup you may be going about your day to day and all of a sudden…
He pops back into your mind and you are back to missing him.
It is a relapse.
I know, I know, I know. Missing him is hard.
But you should realize that this feeling deep inside you to reach out to your ex again because you can’t stand to be apart is very much a function of the way the chemical sin your brain flows. Then sooner you understand this, the sooner you will be able to wrestle back some control of your life.
Yes, if you miss him terribly, it’s largely because you are a prisoner to your hormones.
Knowing this helps. But what else can you do about this? Keep on reading, my friend.
2. Turning Your Focus to More Productive Areas
If you are struggling with how to cope with missing your ex boyfriend you best ask if you have an action plan in place.
If you leave yourself vulnerable to these natural feelings of longing to be with your ex boyfriend, then you will become a victim of your own brain chemistry. But there is something you can do to combat this.
Before I lay out this actionable plan for you, you are going to have to do me one little favor.
You are going to have to determine if you actually want your ex boyfriend back. Missing him is one thing. As I said, its natural.
But do you really want him back? Should you take him back. Is he worthy of you?
Because if not, I guarantee you, this constant feeling of having to be with him will subside and completely disappear if the reasoning side of your brain tells you this guy is not long term material.
Cue Jeopardy music…
What is your final answer??
I am just kidding! Take time to make this decision.
As you have read this far through an article, on a website that is dedicated to getting ex boyfriends back, I’m going to assume that the vast majority of you do want your ex boyfriend back. But, for those of you that may not want your ex boyfriend back and just want to stop thinking about him so much, I’m going to touch on a plan for you too.
“I don’t want my ex boyfriend back.”
If you don’t want your ex boyfriend back then your game plan is going to be to move the heck on!
I know this is hard if you can’t stop missing him. But know that it’s the hormones that are doing most of the talking when those feelings of longing to be around your ex overwhelms you.
Your Main Action of Overcoming Obsessive Thinking About Your Ex Boyfriend Is To Remove and Replace
Remember how we talked about addictions being formed from habits?
Well, the best way to break your addiction to missing him is going to be to get out of the habit of thinking about him. And, if you do have a relapse, remember, it is totally normal.
They actually teach people this in AA. It is how you handle the relapse that truly matters.
So, every time your ex boyfriend pops into your head I want you to tell yourself “no” and change the topic in your mind. Learn to modify your behavior
- Completely distract yourself from thinking about him. Do not check his social media or sit around waiting to hear from him.
- Go out, and experience your life for you.
- Get involved with other projects and people.
- Take on new activities and hobbies and make them part of your daily routine.
- Embark on a new workout regiment. Exercise in all kinds of ways. Essentially you will be replacing those stress hormones which induces you to miss your ex boyfriend so much with healthy, feel good hormones that are released with you are active.
3. Implement No Contact To Turn Find Your Emotional Balance
Right now you might be thinking of only one thing. How to get him back, if that is what you want. Coupled with this thought are all the other thoughts that are pushing you to be with him since he has been removed from your life.
- I got to have him back as I miss him every minute of my life
- I can’t forget him – he is always on my mind. What should I do to make this pain go away?
- I miss him so much it tearing me apart
- All I can think of is contacting him to put an end to my misery.
Unfortunately, what you should do is the opposite. Everything in your core being is screaming, “I need him back”. But your chances are actually improved if you pull back and don’t give in to those primal feelings you are experiencing.
No Contact is a period of time 21, 30, or 45 days during which you do not contact and do not respond to your ex boyfriend. If your breakup was really bad, you probably are going to want to do a longer period of No Contact.
If your breakup was pretty amicable, then starting with a shorter period, such as with a 21 days, is usually constructive.
The idea is to flip the script. You need to heal and get over the feeling that you are missing out on being with him every moment of the day. You essentially are going to gain control of your own mind and brain chemicals and turn the tables such that it is your ex boyfriend who is going to end up missing you.
No Contact is possibly the most important step in Ex Boyfriend Recovery simply because it is the first step. But it is more than a step. It is a wave of life for the post breakup period.
We all know that taking the first step toward anything is the most difficult. But, once you get going, you gain momentum.
So, if you haven’t already done so, start No Contact right now… this very minute!
OK. Yes. There are some exceptions when implementing NC may not be the right thing for you and your situation. But more often than not, it is a winning strategy.
When you are done reading this article, check this other article out!
After a breakup, it is important to do No Contact. You need to give your ex boyfriend some time and space to himself. The No Contact period literally needs to be your best friend after a breakup.
No Contact works in two ways and it is designed to start the process of getting your ex boyfriend to gravitate back to you.
The first reason that No Contact is so important is that it is for you!
You will use this time to focus on you and improve yourself… any bad habits that may have led to the breakup, such as jealousy or neediness. This, my friend, is your time to work on those things. By the end of this No Contact you want to be in a good mental state and in complete control of your emotions.
The second reason that No Contact is so important is because it is also for your ex boyfriend!
This time will give him the time that he may need to erase any bad memories or feelings that he has towards you or the relationship. It will give him the opportunity to miss you.
That sounds good right? Him missing you?
Now that you know why No Contact is important, I want to ask you one very specific question.
Quiz time! I hope you’ve been paying attention!
What if, during No Contact, your ex boyfriend messages you, “I miss you;” how do you respond?
Trick question, you don’t answer!
During No Contact, you do not respond to your ex boyfriend at all.
If you do receive this text message… great! This means the process is starting to work. Stick with it though!
Just so you know, there are very specific circumstances where you can break No Contact and those reasons are covered in the following article. So, if you ever have doubts, check this out! In fact, this article goes over everything No Contact so it is a great resource for you to use while applying this strategy.
4. Becoming an Ungettable Girl Who Loves Herself
You know those Maybelline commercials where its like “Maybe she’s born with it…Maybe it’s Maybelline,” I want you to embody that sort of attitude. Every guy you encounter as the UG should be like “Maybe she’s born with it… Maybe she’s a UG.”
Anyway, that was a bit of a tangent.
So what is the UG?
Oh, the Ungettable Girl, also known as the UG is a term Chris Seiter created to describe the perfect girl that always seems to feel a little bit out of reach to most men. Guys love a UG. They love chasing after them. To get your ex boyfriend back during No Contact you are going to work on becoming a UG and I’m going to lay out a couple of ways you can accomplish this.
The UG is a high-quality girl that is beautiful physically and has a personality to match that beauty. She is a rare type of girl and not all women will achieve “UG” status. Indeed, it may not even be possible for anyone to achieve this status. It’s striving to be one is where the action is.
If you want to read more about what the UG is, check out this article. Once you’ve read this article you will understand what truly makes a UG and how to achieve Ungettable status.
Immediately following a breakup when you are feeling most lonely and vulnerable, you should not act as expected. There are certain things you should not do or say when you miss your ex boyfriend. If you want to be perceived as the Ungettable Girl, you would not:
- Call your ex boyfriend and start crying to see him just once more.
- Spend time begging him to come back because you can’t stand it any longer.
- Eating a bunch of unhealthy food and gaining weight, further reducing your self esteem.
- Endlessly texting or calling him with no response in the hope he might reach out to you.
You get my point.
These are really unattractive qualities and will lower your value and attraction….namely your Ungettable status.
Avoid these behaviors at all costs.
What you should do it focus on you and self-improving… yes, even if you are missing your ex boyfriend like crazy.
Things a UG would do include doing:
- Something you’ve always wanted to do but never had the time for
- Catching up with old friends that you may have prioritized your ex boyfriend over
- Dating yourself because you are so much fun
- Taking a vacation to a far away place to gain much needed perspective.
- Furthering your education or career
These actions are all really attractive and unexpected things you can do following a breakup that will increase your UG status. This is also a time when you can work on improving upon any of the qualities that may have led to the breakup such as neediness.
It is totally natural to miss your ex boyfriend, even weeks, months, or even years following a breakup.
If you only miss him from time to time and you are left wondering “why am I missing him right now” consider this to be a relapse. Do some of the things I discuss here, but know that those sad feelings of now having him in your life will subside.
But if you are in the midst of a breakup and you can’t seem to gain control of the powerful wave of feelings that overwhelm you, then your are probably asking yourself what you should do to forget your ex boyfriend – to get past those feelings that you can’t cope.
The easiest way to do this is to get out of the habit of thinking about him. And there are actionable steps you can take to accomplish this. Getting engaged in new activities and reaching out to other people can fill in gaps missing in your life. Perhaps not completely, but your ex recovery will be faster realized if you enrich your life with other things and people.
Whether you want him back or not, there are some really productive things that you can do other than just sitting around feeling sorry for yourself and missing out on all of life’s delights. So two other important cogs to this whole process involve implementing No Contact.
The second thing you should do is become an Ungettable Girl.
I can’t believe that you are still here!
You better get to work!
But since you ARE still here… let’s have a convo in the comments below.
I want to know about your breakup. Tell me all of the details.
- The relationship up to the breakup
- What you did after the breakup
- What you think you are supposed to do now
Our experts will help guide you where you need to go.
(Note: This post was re-written by the website owner and Relationship Coach expert, Chris Seiter on June 12, 2018. Sarah Drees previously contributed some of the original content.)