By Chris Seiter

Updated on February 2nd, 2021

If you had sex with your ex then you aren’t alone.

I want you to know that.

In fact, I’d go as far as saying that almost half of my one on one clients have gone down that path.

But the question almost everyone asks me after they have “done the deed” is what do I do next?

Well, that’s why I wanted to put this article together.

I want to give you a clear and detailed path on how you should react immediately after having sex with your ex.

Here’s a general gist of the strategy that we are going to be talking about,

What You Should Do If You Slept With Your Ex

I like to keep things super simple.

Therefore, the strategy we are going to be talking about today is divided up into three parts,

  1. Determining your goal
  2. Understanding how you’ll be viewed
  3. Acting like the sex didn’t mean that much to you

Ok, rather than have me waste time on fluff I am just going to jump right to the content.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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1. What Is Your Goal?

For the purposes of this article I’d like to propose that we make our goal,

How to make your ex want you after they have sex with you.

Does that sound fair?

Now, you may be sitting there and wondering,

“Wait, why would I want to make them want me?”

Well, I deal with exes for a living (weird job I know) and in most of the cases I find that after exes sleep with you they slowly fall away or you end up in a friends with benefits situation which can really jumble your emotions.

Yesterday I was on a coaching call with a client and she had told me that a few days ago she went on a date with her ex and things got a little too romantic and they ended up having sex.

“I know, I know… I shouldn’t have done it.” She says to me.

Now, I have been doing this a long time so this wasn’t the first time that I had been presented with a situation which is why what she said next didn’t shock me.

“It’s really weird. Before we went on our date and slept together he was so engaged during conversations with me and now he avoids me like the plague. I don’t want to be a one night stand.”

You see, I have a theory.

I believe that people want what they can’t have.

Now, if we operate under that assumption it makes sense that your ex wants to have sex with you because it’s kind of a social taboo to sleep with an ex, right?

But once that forbidden fruit is plucked the excitement drains away.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

After all, they’ve already gotten what they wanted so what is there left to chase?

And that is where you are at, right?

Your ex probably is avoiding you or acting strange around you because they don’t know how to handle the situation. They’ve already gotten what they wanted and they don’t want to seem like the demon who just had sex with you on a whim but they don’t want to be with you either.

Now, some exes take the opposite track.

Some exes get what they want and then they want more and that’s how we end up with a friends with benefits situation.

So, like a circle, we end up back at the beginning.

How can we turn the situation around to make an ex want you for you?

Well, that’s where step two comes into play.

2. Understanding How You’ll Be Viewed

A few days ago I uploaded a pretty awesome video on YouTube,

Now, don’t worry if the title doesn’t necessarily jive with the purpose of the article the content in the video does.

You see, in that video I talk about how typically a relationship will contain two types of people,

  1. The Pushers: Individuals who do things to push you away in a relationship
  2. The Pullers: Individuals who do things to pull you into a relationship

I also make another interesting statement in this video.

That if you get a pusher and a puller together the relationship is bound to snap like a rubber band,

And therein lies the challenge of relationshps.

Trying to navigate personalities like this.

But that’s an article for another day. For now we are going to be looking at one specific thing and that is how you are going to be perceived after you have sex with your ex.

You see, if you sleep with your ex your ex is going to think that you will become a puller.

You are going to try to pull them in and force a relationship on them.

This is especially true if there are preconceived notions at work. Basically if you are a woman and your ex is a man he is going to think that you are going to go crazy after you sleep with him.

Understand that this is the perception your ex is going to have of you.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

Which leads me to my next point.

How the heck can we combat this perception?

3. Act Like The Sex Didn’t Mean That Much T0 You

After you have sex with your partner a number of things happen. But perhaps one of the most important things that happens is that your brain releases oxytocin.

You’ve heard of the cuddle hormone, right?

It’s basically what makes you want to cuddle after sex and have that “after sex” talk.

Sounds familiar, right?

We are going to use this to our advantage.

But more on that in a second.

What Tends To Happen After You Have Sex With Your Ex

For this example I am going to use an example that targets women but don’t let that alarm you if you are a man.

(This can still work for you guys)

Ok, so you and your ex end up having sex.

Your brain does it’s thing and released oxytocin which causes you to cuddle after sex and reminisce on all the great times you had together. Of course, you kind of feel guilty or even a little wrong that you made love without a commitment in place so during that cuddling you start to prod a little and test the boundaries out to see if your ex would even be open to that.

He’s non commital and you decide not to push your luck right now.

After all, you can do that later.

A few days go by and you decide to wait for him to reach out first but nothing has happened.

“It’s ok, he’s probably trying to play it cool” you think to yourself.

A few weeks go by and you start hitting panic mode,

This is where you start blowing up his phone and acting extremely insecure.

The end result is that he wants nothing to do with you.

Oh, and if he does it tends to be for a friends with benefits situation.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

Basically, that’s where he tries to turn everything interaction with you into some sexual fantasy.

Some variation of this example almost always happens to the clients I am working with.

So, how do we overcome this?

It’s actually a lot easier than you think.

What You Should Be Doing Immediately After You Have Sex With Your Ex

You have sex with your ex.

Your brain does it’s thing with it’s oxytocin and you feel this intense urge to cuddle.

So far everything is identical.

That is by design because it’s really during this “cuddle” that the perception is made.

Let’s pretend that I am your ex and we have just slept together.

The first thought that pops into my mind is,

“I’ve really got her wrapped around my finger now”

But I have that thought during that cuddle.

This is where that perception is formed.

So, I want to pivot off of this and do something completely out of left field.

Close your eyes and imagine something for me for a moment.

You had sex with your ex at his place. Now, it’s normal for you to cuddle afterwards but this time instead of cuddling you are going to get up and proclaim,

“Well, that was fun”

And leave.

So rather than staying around and inflating your exes ego I want him to think that the sex wasn’t even that big of a deal to you.

Hell, I want him to think that something is wrong with his performance.

Now, I am not saying to tell him he was bad or anything like that but what I am telling you is to act completely different than what he expects you to act.

Doing this should create a situation where he chases you because now he is intrigued by you.

Wait Are You Saying I Should Sleep With My Ex And Try This Out?

That is NOT what I am saying.

I want to make that clear.

Generally when I am working with clients I tell them that under no circumstances should they ever sleep with an ex.

What I have outlined above is only to be done if you find yourself in a worst case scenario if you have slept with your ex.


I’m eager to hear your thoughts and what you have to say about this strategy.

Let me know in the comments below and I’ll get back to you.

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187 thoughts on “What To Do If You Had Sex With Your Ex?”

  1. Dvon

    December 7, 2023 at 2:03 am


    Soooo, what do you do after you’ve had sex said that was fun or just leave , like you have something else to do? Do you call or text or just wait on him ??

    1. Coach Shaunna

      December 8, 2023 at 5:39 pm

      Hey Dvon, so if you slept with your ex you allow space and let them come to you approach you – If you do not hear from them after 10 days then you can reach out to them but be sure not to sleep with them again.

  2. Taylor

    October 1, 2023 at 4:05 pm

    I cheated on my ex and my ex decided to stay with me. At the end of august I decided to break things off with her so we could both heal and she agreed. We were together for 4 years and after a month of not seeing each other but still talking we hung out and ate at a restaurant. Soon after she asked if I wanted to go to San Antonio and we spent the night there and had sex. After that day she asked me to spend the week with her at her apartment and once I left she decides to stop talking to me.

  3. Shay

    September 18, 2023 at 7:12 am

    My ex constantly says she doesn’t want a relationship, but we often have sex and cuddle, and are still both on a high even a few days after – being on the phone etc. I’m not ever sure what this means for her or how I should attempt anything relating to a relationship.

    1. Coach Shaunna

      September 30, 2023 at 4:11 pm

      Hi Shay, if you want a relationship with this person then you need to stop sleeping with her. You currently have a friends with benefits situation and this isn’t the way back to a relationship.

  4. Lisa

    August 15, 2023 at 7:20 am

    What if you got back together just before, did the deed, slept over, and 5 days later he dumps you again??

    1. Coach Shaunna

      August 16, 2023 at 2:15 pm

      If he ended things with you and nothing really bad happened, I would say that he attempted a friends with benefits situation and communication got lost along the way

  5. Coady

    May 8, 2023 at 4:21 pm

    Me and my had been together for 11 years. We have 2 daughters age 2 and 4. When i first met her 2 month into our relationship i cheated on her with my ex of 5 years.through the years with her we had many good times and many bad by the end we were roomates and she actually wanted me to hurt, Reasons for this is beacause i fully took advantage of how nice she was. I would play video games all day neglect her i would never spend time with her barely helped with the kids are anything in that matter. she left me probly 5 times each time i changed a little but but not really and went back to my old ways like a couple days later. Fast forward 11 years and this time shes actually is done with me. She left to see her sister in a different province and left me with our 2 kids. I had to become an actual adult and not be a co dependant. Best thing that could had happened the relationship with my children is 100x better. When she left me i sold my computer and started looking inside and figuring out whats wrong with me why am i sold selfish and why dont a value what i have. Its been 6 weeks since she left and i am a different person 100 percent . So she comes back home from her sisters we live in the same house we have sex once in the 4 weeks and she is very cold physically but we have all kinds of fun together. 3 nights ago i found out she was sexting her ex and i made a discision that i was done with her i moved upstairs and wanted to move on. For 2 days she persude me eventually she confronted me and we talked and we got back together. We had the best sex we had ever had in our life the next morning we were so in love all over eachother all day we talked about the future moving out getting married and everything. By the end of the day she was washing dishes and something hit her that she cant be with me. She tells me she wants to be with me so bad but something is telling her not to get back with me. Im not sure what i should do to get her back were head over heals for eachother she could tell i loved her more then i ever did in my life. Should i back off go no contact? Or should i keep persuing? She told me we shouldbt be together she has to figure this out on her own

    1. Coach Shaunna

      August 16, 2023 at 2:06 pm

      Hi Coady, from what you have told me it sounds as if she “emotionally cheated” with someone else as she grew tired of your situation at home. I would say that you need to allow her some space so that she can 1 – figure out how she feels about you now, 2 – decide if you have truly changed as a father and partner 3 – if the feelings she had for you can come back. Your situation is not that unusual and I would say that there is a chance to rekindle what you had, but you need to stick with it and prove that you are a present and active father that she would not feel like a single mother with three children ever again.

  6. Maria

    October 7, 2022 at 8:02 am

    So I haven’t had sex with him yet. We are meeting up for the weekend. I 100% should not have sex with him right?? ( going to be so hard, we are massively sexual people!) we are in his 30s and his parents don’t approve me. This is his problem at the moment with getting back together..

  7. Vannesa

    September 11, 2022 at 4:15 pm

    Hi, my ex and I, well he broke up with me in healthy termS, we didnt bother each other until he slightly startes texting me again from time to time, we ended up in conclusion we still love each other and met up, we ended up having sex, after that he found out during our time apart i had a date and sex, now he claims he cant see me the same, even tho he loves me he feels heartbroken.

  8. Mali

    September 10, 2022 at 12:31 am

    So my now ex bf of almost 5 years and father of my child had sex during one of the visits he does to see the baby, this time I wasn’t acting clingy or pushing him to get back together like other visits I’m guessing that led him to want me we broke up a month ago and every time he comes to see the baby he takes some of his stuff, most still here one thing led to another and we couldn’t finish because the baby woke up yikes! After all that happened I acted normally like nothing happened I just wanna get back with him should I just continue to ignore him after having sex?

    1. Coach Shaunna Nicol

      September 12, 2022 at 6:57 pm

      Hey Mali, so you shouldn’t be sleeping with him if you want to get back into a relationship with him as he is going to think that he can come to you for that friends with benefit mindset. I would suggest that right now you need to discuss the situation and ask if he wanted to work on things if he says no then you need to go onto a Limited no contact.

  9. Lucy

    August 4, 2022 at 9:26 am

    So my ex broke up with me in march. After that we still talked all the time and he was full of mixed messages. By June we were back together without actually saying we were back together. July – he ended it again. I cried and begged (regret this a lot!). Anyway last 4 weeks we have not seen each other at all, apart from once at work. We have exchanged a few friendly messages (always initiated by me). He says he doesn’t want to be in a relationship. The other night I noticed him liking and following a lot of new girls online. I challenged him on this and got an extremely defensive response then blocked on everything apart from one thing. One hour goes by and we started messaging on the only platform we could. He explained his reasons for the liking other girls stuff (I knew it was a load of rubbish but acted cool about it). Then we slept together. Before the deed we were chatting away about life catching up and it felt so natural and normal. In the morning I said to him kind of in a jokey way so am I getting unblocked. He said he’d think about it. I left and at night I messaged him just saying I know what happened doesn’t change anything. I enjoyed myself don’t regret it and hope he doesn’t either. Said I’d like us to be civil at work but being blocked means we can’t be as it feels like it means he hates me. He has never opened this message. I haven’t heard a peep from him since the night we slept together. I am still blocked. I have now started no contact – planning 30-45 days. What else can I do? And what do I do after the no contact if I still haven’t heard anything or if the message is still unopened or unanswered?

    1. Coach Shaunna Nicol

      September 2, 2022 at 10:26 pm

      Hey Lucy, so a lot of what you want to know is already on this website you just need to read a few texting articles. I would suggest that if you are looking for more personalised advice that you check out our products page and consider the ERP program along with the benefit of our Private Facebook Group or even our one to one coaching sessions

  10. Jessica

    February 16, 2022 at 1:45 am

    That is exactly how my day unfolded. My ex left me 4 weeks ago. Said he wasn’t ready for next level of commitment since we were nearing a year of a committed relationship. I quickly caught on he was talking to another woman. Today we had sex for the first time. No snuggling after, only a “well that was fun!” from me. He just layed there for another 20 minutes of me trying to pull him up. He kissed me all the way to my car and invited me to go for a boat ride tomorrow. “I will call you tomorrow morning.” I’m curious if it happens. No regrets so far on my end.

  11. Alix

    January 23, 2022 at 3:56 pm

    So my ex and I have been broken up nearly 2 years. it was a great fun passionate relationship for around 12 months. He broke up with me because he is young and ambitious and wanted to focus on his business and didn’t have time for a relationship. Saw him once after the breakup and it’s always been civil and we’ve stayed in touch. then I was with someone else for a few months we broke up. I saw the 1st ex the other day and we slept together. He had a meeting in the morning and I left (it was kinda similar to your strategy I said it was fun and hugged him goodbye as he lay in bed still) earlier the night before he told me he’s looking for a girl again but not sure he meant me, I have and always will be in love with him so I’d like to try get him back. Now we’ve slept together what do I do next?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 13, 2022 at 1:19 pm

      Hey Alix, so since you slept together I would wait for him to reach out to you and ask you if you are free anytime, to which you agree but do not sleep with him again as you are going to fall into a friends with benefits situation which you do not want. I would suggest that you look at ways to create a non date, date vibe. Coffee, food, drinks, go watch a film. Just avoid falling into that FWB situation if you are looking for commitment.

  12. Paige

    October 20, 2021 at 2:51 am

    My ex and I broke up about 2 weeks ago, he broke up with me because he doesn’t want a relationship at this time. Since then we’ve texted some and met up twice just as friends. The second time we met up he asked me if I missed him yet to which I just answered casually that I did think of him from time to time. I wanted to sleep with him and asked if he did too to which he said that he did so we talked about being friends with benefits, it was my idea and he seemed unsure but eventually agreed. We did the deed and I left as soon as it was over which is not like me. I want to get back together with him but don’t really know how to get out of the friends with benefits situation and into something more. We have only slept together that one time.

  13. Jamie

    August 13, 2021 at 7:37 pm

    I recently went on a family vacation with my current bf and my daughters father who we split up 10yrs ago. My current bf got jealous and left halfway through the trip and it pushed me and my ex back together and we ended up sleeping together.

    Now I’m home and can’t stop thinking about my ex and all the what if’s but my current bf wants to work things out

  14. Ana

    June 20, 2021 at 12:42 pm

    My ex and I have been broken up for six months now. He broke it off with me. Recently he has been seeing a woman for about two months now. We had a good relationship with some bad in it. Not all perfect. I stopped talking to him for over a month and then one day he rings me. We chatted and straight away there was a connection again. 3 days ago we caught up and we had dinner. He told me that he said to his new woman that he still had feelings for me. He cares for me deeply and respects me. He also said that he doesn’t know if he wants to commit with her as she has baggage, kids, going through a divorce, etc….
    After that we went back to his place and of course we slept together. I left his place and the next morning he messaged me; “thanx fora lovely evening last night..hope u have a good weekend ”
    I replied once I finished work later that afternoon. I’m a little confused to what I do now. Will we ever get back together?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      June 21, 2021 at 4:18 pm

      Hi Ana, I have no way of telling you if you will get back together or not. If you apply the information that is given on this website and watch Chris videos, use the materials that will help your chances.

  15. Mark

    June 5, 2021 at 4:59 am

    My ex-girlfriend and I broke up (she broke it off) just under 2 years ago. In that time she actually got into another relationship that lasted about a year, but due to having many mutual friends we would see each other here and there, and despite not really explicitly saying it, we could both feel a connection still. My ex and her boyfriend broke up a few months ago, and she was very happy to get out of that relationship as it was extremely toxic. Since our break-up we’ve managed to maintain good terms. In the past couple months we started hanging out more and chatting more, one night we even shared a quick kiss, but despite that we still managed to continue to be friends and hang out. Last night we went out with a couple other friends, and her and I ended the night at hers. One thing led to another and we had sex, and I even stayed the night. In the morning things continued to be amicable and pretty normal. However, I’m now left a bit anxious because I don’t know what I want from this or what I should do. I’m worried if I keep my distance she might think I think its weird, and get weirded out herself. But if I’m too intense that will scare her off, even as a friend. If we continue to hang out as we have before, I wonder where that might lead, and I wonder if eventually I will end up being hurt. Currently I think that I might just let her come to me in terms of contact, and employ a soft no-contact, where I don’t really initiate, but do engage. I should add, we’re both very different people now and it feels great being with her, but I don’t feel like I should pursue anything serious with her, at least for now. But then again if I keep hanging out with her, my mind and hear will want me to pursue something. (Sorry for the big comment).

  16. Jessy

    May 31, 2021 at 10:57 am

    My child’s father of 15years comes back to me and my children after engaging to another female. For the past 10 years it’s always been me wanting to be with him and him using that to his advantage and him having sex with me to only pull away and be dry towards me afterwards . 1 month of him being back I had sex with him and now it’s the same thing. I’ve always been what he wanted from me just for him to keep doing this to me. How do I get him to hold me on a higher pedestal?? No contact quietly ? Or should I tell him about himself then go no contact. I deserve way better than this from him..

  17. Maddie

    May 22, 2021 at 5:10 pm

    Hi, so my boyfriend of 7 years broke up with me a month ago because he said he needed space and to work on himself. I had been seeing him at work and lightly talking to him. Two days ago he told me he was in love with me and that I am the love of his life but that he can’t be with me right now since he is very calm and at peace with himself. He said he loves me and just wanted to have sex with me. We had sex the past two nights and he said he still loves me but that it is just sex. What should I do? Is he ever going to change his mind and want me back?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 23, 2021 at 10:22 pm

      Hey Maddie, so if he is having sex with you – without a relationship. Then he isn’t going to be tempted to come back to you. You need to take a step back and follow Limited no contact where you only speak to him for work reasons. Even if he does love you, you need to not sleep with him unless you are back in a relationship.

  18. M

    April 30, 2021 at 4:26 pm

    me and my ex are on good terms. we have conversations now and again, usually still calling eachother “babe” etc. last weekend we slept together he saw me post a selfie online and spoke to me the whole day and then invited me round and it happened, i stayed the night and i’ve not really heard from him since. what do i do from here? i’m so close to texting him. obviously i do want him back but i dont want to seem desperate, i want him to want me.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 13, 2021 at 8:53 pm

      Hi M, I would suggest that you reach out to your ex in general conversation if you have not heard from him after a full 10 days.

  19. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

    February 23, 2021 at 4:44 pm

    Hi Millie you need to start the program again starting with another 30 days no contact

  20. Z

    February 15, 2021 at 7:51 pm

    I did sleep with my ex and then I begged for him back crying and sobbing :))) I know horrible, it was a moment of weakness.
    So I pushed him further away, so have I lost every chance of getting him back?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 16, 2021 at 10:39 am

      Hi Z, if you go into a no contact now and work on yourself and make sure you do not sleep with him again unless you are back in a relationship.

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