What To Do If You Had Sex With Your Ex?

If you had sex with your ex then you aren’t alone.

I want you to know that.

In fact, I’d go as far as saying that almost half of my one on one clients have gone down that path.

But the question almost everyone asks me after they have “done the deed” is what do I do next?

Well, that’s why I wanted to put this article together.

I want to give you a clear and detailed path on how you should react immediately after having sex with your ex.

Here’s a general gist of the strategy that we are going to be talking about,

What You Should Do If You Slept With Your Ex


I like to keep things super simple.

Therefore, the strategy we are going to be talking about today is divided up into three parts,

  1. Determining your goal
  2. Understanding how you’ll be viewed
  3. Acting like the sex didn’t mean that much to you

Ok, rather than have me waste time on fluff I am just going to jump right to the content.

1. What Is Your Goal?

For the purposes of this article I’d like to propose that we make our goal,

How to make your ex want you after they have sex with you.

Does that sound fair?

Now, you may be sitting there and wondering,

“Wait, why would I want to make them want me?”

Well, I deal with exes for a living (weird job I know) and in most of the cases I find that after exes sleep with you they slowly fall away or you end up in a friends with benefits situation which can really jumble your emotions.

Yesterday I was on a coaching call with a client and she had told me that a few days ago she went on a date with her ex and things got a little too romantic and they ended up having sex.

“I know, I know… I shouldn’t have done it.” She says to me.

Now, I have been doing this a long time so this wasn’t the first time that I had been presented with a situation which is why what she said next didn’t shock me.

“It’s really weird. Before we went on our date and slept together he was so engaged during conversations with me and now he avoids me like the plague. I don’t want to be a one night stand.”

You see, I have a theory.

I believe that people want what they can’t have.

Now, if we operate under that assumption it makes sense that your ex wants to have sex with you because it’s kind of a social taboo to sleep with an ex, right?

But once that forbidden fruit is plucked the excitement drains away.

After all, they’ve already gotten what they wanted so what is there left to chase?

And that is where you are at, right?

Your ex probably is avoiding you or acting strange around you because they don’t know how to handle the situation. They’ve already gotten what they wanted and they don’t want to seem like the demon who just had sex with you on a whim but they don’t want to be with you either.

Now, some exes take the opposite track.

Some exes get what they want and then they want more and that’s how we end up with a friends with benefits situation.

So, like a circle, we end up back at the beginning.

How can we turn the situation around to make an ex want you for you?

Well, that’s where step two comes into play.

2. Understanding How You’ll Be Viewed

A few days ago I uploaded a pretty awesome video on YouTube,

Now, don’t worry if the title doesn’t necessarily jive with the purpose of the article the content in the video does.

You see, in that video I talk about how typically a relationship will contain two types of people,

  1. The Pushers: Individuals who do things to push you away in a relationship
  2. The Pullers: Individuals who do things to pull you into a relationship

I also make another interesting statement in this video.

That if you get a pusher and a puller together the relationship is bound to snap like a rubber band,

And therein lies the challenge of relationshps.

Trying to navigate personalities like this.

But that’s an article for another day. For now we are going to be looking at one specific thing and that is how you are going to be perceived after you have sex with your ex.

You see, if you sleep with your ex your ex is going to think that you will become a puller.

You are going to try to pull them in and force a relationship on them.

This is especially true if there are preconceived notions at work. Basically if you are a woman and your ex is a man he is going to think that you are going to go crazy after you sleep with him.

Understand that this is the perception your ex is going to have of you.

Which leads me to my next point.

How the heck can we combat this perception?

3. Act Like The Sex Didn’t Mean That Much T0 You

After you have sex with your partner a number of things happen. But perhaps one of the most important things that happens is that your brain releases oxytocin.

You’ve heard of the cuddle hormone, right?

It’s basically what makes you want to cuddle after sex and have that “after sex” talk.

Sounds familiar, right?

We are going to use this to our advantage.

But more on that in a second.

What Tends To Happen After You Have Sex With Your Ex

For this example I am going to use an example that targets women but don’t let that alarm you if you are a man.

(This can still work for you guys)

Ok, so you and your ex end up having sex.

Your brain does it’s thing and released oxytocin which causes you to cuddle after sex and reminisce on all the great times you had together. Of course, you kind of feel guilty or even a little wrong that you made love without a commitment in place so during that cuddling you start to prod a little and test the boundaries out to see if your ex would even be open to that.

He’s non commital and you decide not to push your luck right now.

After all, you can do that later.

A few days go by and you decide to wait for him to reach out first but nothing has happened.

“It’s ok, he’s probably trying to play it cool” you think to yourself.

A few weeks go by and you start hitting panic mode,

This is where you start blowing up his phone and acting extremely insecure.

The end result is that he wants nothing to do with you.

Oh, and if he does it tends to be for a friends with benefits situation.

Basically, that’s where he tries to turn everything interaction with you into some sexual fantasy.

Some variation of this example almost always happens to the clients I am working with.

So, how do we overcome this?

It’s actually a lot easier than you think.

What You Should Be Doing Immediately After You Have Sex With Your Ex

You have sex with your ex.

Your brain does it’s thing with it’s oxytocin and you feel this intense urge to cuddle.

So far everything is identical.

That is by design because it’s really during this “cuddle” that the perception is made.

Let’s pretend that I am your ex and we have just slept together.

The first thought that pops into my mind is,

“I’ve really got her wrapped around my finger now”

But I have that thought during that cuddle.

This is where that perception is formed.

So, I want to pivot off of this and do something completely out of left field.

Close your eyes and imagine something for me for a moment.

You had sex with your ex at his place. Now, it’s normal for you to cuddle afterwards but this time instead of cuddling you are going to get up and proclaim,

“Well, that was fun”

And leave.

So rather than staying around and inflating your exes ego I want him to think that the sex wasn’t even that big of a deal to you.

Hell, I want him to think that something is wrong with his performance.

Now, I am not saying to tell him he was bad or anything like that but what I am telling you is to act completely different than what he expects you to act.

Doing this should create a situation where he chases you because now he is intrigued by you.

Wait Are You Saying I Should Sleep With My Ex And Try This Out?

That is NOT what I am saying.

I want to make that clear.

Generally when I am working with clients I tell them that under no circumstances should they ever sleep with an ex.

What I have outlined above is only to be done if you find yourself in a worst case scenario if you have slept with your ex.

Conclusion

I’m eager to hear your thoughts and what you have to say about this strategy.

Let me know in the comments below and I’ll get back to you.

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Written by EBR Teamate

Chris Seiter

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14 Comments on "What To Do If You Had Sex With Your Ex?"

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Concettia Nall
Guest

I have a long story. But you are right he wants to turn every conversation…almost,into a fantasy.
Thing is he is supposed to be engaged. But I must say we were engaged when he dumped me for her.
I have wasted 15 now 17 years of my life.
Should I do a 21 day no contact?

Renee
Guest

I dated my ex for just over 3 years. My ex boyfriend began texting me after 30 days of NC. Asking lots of stupid questions just to be in contact. He asked if he could stop over to do something around my place. I said yes but we ended up sleeping together instead. Feelings resurfaced. There was no contact for several days. Each day I started to feel used and upset with myself for losing self control. He’s been pretty distant since. Is there anyway to recover from this and get him back?

Jennifer Seiter
Editor
Hi Renee, I understand how you feel used and upset for falling into that trap. It’s a common mistake and you can repair that. If he doesn’t reach out for a week restart a no contact for 21 days and work on regaining your self esteem. If he reaches out within a week don’t act angry. Read Chris’ post on being the ungettable girl and follow that. When you rebuild the relationship after no contact, assuming he doesn’t contact you start over as if the mistake didn’t happen. Rebuild attraction slowly. Does that help answer your question? Sorry your feeling… Read more »
Renee
Guest
Jennifer, Thank you so much for the quick response. You answered my question. Today is the one week mark since we last spoke. I’ll take your advice both with no contact for 21 days as well as reading the ungettable girl post. I was getting to that place where I was feeling good and working on myself. I already went through a divorce and I learned from mistakes as well as wrong done to me. I believe in being patient and working on things. I also know no one can put me through the amount of hurt I went through… Read more »
Jennifer Seiter
Editor

Glad my response was helpful! Divorces are tough lessons but I think most people change the negative behaviors about themselves after a divorce because it’s such a life altering experience.

I think your going to do great after your no contact. <3

Joanna
Guest

My ex has a girlfriend we were engaged for 4 years been split up 6 months but he’s been texting me all the time and since end January saying he’s not happy and then in March they split kept asking me round then finally 3 weeks ago I went there had sex the very next day his girlfriend was back !!! So I message her and told her everything now I haven’t heard a word from him Day 9 NC ?????

Jennifer Seiter
Editor

Okay, are you sure they actually split up or were they taking a break? He’s probably upset that you told the OW and she seems to be okay with what happened OR he told her your lying. Stick to the NC for 21 days then use the being there.

Confused
Guest

Hi, I had sex with an ex and became completely obsessed and clingy due to my insecurity. I basically laid it all out to him and begged him to take me back, but he said he doesn’t see me as a girlfriend. Is there anyway to recover from this and get him back?

Sarah
Guest
Hey I have the weirdest ex ever !! He was treated me as a friend but badly and sometimes as a girlfriend then when I used the n.c he blocked me everywhere.. after months he came back and want to have just sex after we did it he left again because he didn’t feel safe with me then he came back again talking and apologizing.. telling me to moving on and to be with my new boyfriend and we will be just friends and we became friends again .. then he hacked my account and he read all my chat… Read more »
Sarah
Guest

Chris, so What should I do? How can I get him back? Should I stop having sex with him?