If you had sex with your ex then you aren’t alone.

I want you to know that.

In fact, I’d go as far as saying that almost half of my one on one clients have gone down that path.

But the question almost everyone asks me after they have “done the deed” is what do I do next?

Well, that’s why I wanted to put this article together.

I want to give you a clear and detailed path on how you should react immediately after having sex with your ex.

Here’s a general gist of the strategy that we are going to be talking about,

What You Should Do If You Slept With Your Ex

I like to keep things super simple.

Therefore, the strategy we are going to be talking about today is divided up into three parts,

  1. Determining your goal
  2. Understanding how you’ll be viewed
  3. Acting like the sex didn’t mean that much to you

Ok, rather than have me waste time on fluff I am just going to jump right to the content.

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1. What Is Your Goal?

For the purposes of this article I’d like to propose that we make our goal,

How to make your ex want you after they have sex with you.

Does that sound fair?

Now, you may be sitting there and wondering,

“Wait, why would I want to make them want me?”

Well, I deal with exes for a living (weird job I know) and in most of the cases I find that after exes sleep with you they slowly fall away or you end up in a friends with benefits situation which can really jumble your emotions.

Yesterday I was on a coaching call with a client and she had told me that a few days ago she went on a date with her ex and things got a little too romantic and they ended up having sex.

“I know, I know… I shouldn’t have done it.” She says to me.

Now, I have been doing this a long time so this wasn’t the first time that I had been presented with a situation which is why what she said next didn’t shock me.

“It’s really weird. Before we went on our date and slept together he was so engaged during conversations with me and now he avoids me like the plague. I don’t want to be a one night stand.”

You see, I have a theory.

I believe that people want what they can’t have.

Now, if we operate under that assumption it makes sense that your ex wants to have sex with you because it’s kind of a social taboo to sleep with an ex, right?

But once that forbidden fruit is plucked the excitement drains away.

After all, they’ve already gotten what they wanted so what is there left to chase?

And that is where you are at, right?

Your ex probably is avoiding you or acting strange around you because they don’t know how to handle the situation. They’ve already gotten what they wanted and they don’t want to seem like the demon who just had sex with you on a whim but they don’t want to be with you either.

Now, some exes take the opposite track.

Some exes get what they want and then they want more and that’s how we end up with a friends with benefits situation.

So, like a circle, we end up back at the beginning.

How can we turn the situation around to make an ex want you for you?

Well, that’s where step two comes into play.

2. Understanding How You’ll Be Viewed

A few days ago I uploaded a pretty awesome video on YouTube,

Now, don’t worry if the title doesn’t necessarily jive with the purpose of the article the content in the video does.

You see, in that video I talk about how typically a relationship will contain two types of people,

  1. The Pushers: Individuals who do things to push you away in a relationship
  2. The Pullers: Individuals who do things to pull you into a relationship

I also make another interesting statement in this video.

That if you get a pusher and a puller together the relationship is bound to snap like a rubber band,

And therein lies the challenge of relationshps.

Trying to navigate personalities like this.

But that’s an article for another day. For now we are going to be looking at one specific thing and that is how you are going to be perceived after you have sex with your ex.

You see, if you sleep with your ex your ex is going to think that you will become a puller.

You are going to try to pull them in and force a relationship on them.

This is especially true if there are preconceived notions at work. Basically if you are a woman and your ex is a man he is going to think that you are going to go crazy after you sleep with him.

Understand that this is the perception your ex is going to have of you.

Which leads me to my next point.

How the heck can we combat this perception?

3. Act Like The Sex Didn’t Mean That Much T0 You

After you have sex with your partner a number of things happen. But perhaps one of the most important things that happens is that your brain releases oxytocin.

You’ve heard of the cuddle hormone, right?

It’s basically what makes you want to cuddle after sex and have that “after sex” talk.

Sounds familiar, right?

We are going to use this to our advantage.

But more on that in a second.

What Tends To Happen After You Have Sex With Your Ex

For this example I am going to use an example that targets women but don’t let that alarm you if you are a man.

(This can still work for you guys)

Ok, so you and your ex end up having sex.

Your brain does it’s thing and released oxytocin which causes you to cuddle after sex and reminisce on all the great times you had together. Of course, you kind of feel guilty or even a little wrong that you made love without a commitment in place so during that cuddling you start to prod a little and test the boundaries out to see if your ex would even be open to that.

He’s non commital and you decide not to push your luck right now.

After all, you can do that later.

A few days go by and you decide to wait for him to reach out first but nothing has happened.

“It’s ok, he’s probably trying to play it cool” you think to yourself.

A few weeks go by and you start hitting panic mode,

This is where you start blowing up his phone and acting extremely insecure.

The end result is that he wants nothing to do with you.

Oh, and if he does it tends to be for a friends with benefits situation.

Basically, that’s where he tries to turn everything interaction with you into some sexual fantasy.

Some variation of this example almost always happens to the clients I am working with.

So, how do we overcome this?

It’s actually a lot easier than you think.

What You Should Be Doing Immediately After You Have Sex With Your Ex

You have sex with your ex.

Your brain does it’s thing with it’s oxytocin and you feel this intense urge to cuddle.

So far everything is identical.

That is by design because it’s really during this “cuddle” that the perception is made.

Let’s pretend that I am your ex and we have just slept together.

The first thought that pops into my mind is,

“I’ve really got her wrapped around my finger now”

But I have that thought during that cuddle.

This is where that perception is formed.

So, I want to pivot off of this and do something completely out of left field.

Close your eyes and imagine something for me for a moment.

You had sex with your ex at his place. Now, it’s normal for you to cuddle afterwards but this time instead of cuddling you are going to get up and proclaim,

“Well, that was fun”

And leave.

So rather than staying around and inflating your exes ego I want him to think that the sex wasn’t even that big of a deal to you.

Hell, I want him to think that something is wrong with his performance.

Now, I am not saying to tell him he was bad or anything like that but what I am telling you is to act completely different than what he expects you to act.

Doing this should create a situation where he chases you because now he is intrigued by you.

Wait Are You Saying I Should Sleep With My Ex And Try This Out?

That is NOT what I am saying.

I want to make that clear.

Generally when I am working with clients I tell them that under no circumstances should they ever sleep with an ex.

What I have outlined above is only to be done if you find yourself in a worst case scenario if you have slept with your ex.


I’m eager to hear your thoughts and what you have to say about this strategy.

Let me know in the comments below and I’ll get back to you.

28 thoughts on “What To Do If You Had Sex With Your Ex?”

  1. Radka

    November 14, 2018 at 1:23 pm

    I slept with my ex…he broke up with me for good in may. Then he wrote me in august, I ignored him the first time. He wrote me again and we ended up talking that entire evening. I stopped replying the day after. He wrote me again 3 weeks later and we were texting a lot, mostly about life and work and school. We were joking a lot, he was friendly and nice. Whenever I stopped replying he wrote me again with some weird excuses. Once he was sending me some link, once asking about a dog I was dogsitting. He kept asking if he could meet that dog and so. I said yes sure cayse I thought I could be a great opportunity for us to hang out. I stopped seeing the dog and told me ex ans he said he would like to see me anyways and was flirting with me and it ended up with dirty talk then. He came last Sunday, we were watching movies, cuddled, kissed and we had sex. I know it was stupid of me but I was so happy yo have him next to me that is blocked my rational thinking. He stayed after sec and we cuddled and talked. He wrote me in the morning. We talked a bit but he stopped replying so I panicked and wrote him again. we just talked about the movie we watched and then I stopped replying and rn I am super lost. I wanr him back, but have I killed my chances by sleeping with him?
    I didn’t reply just to see if he might contact me again. So far he hasn’t..:

  2. Martha

    October 25, 2018 at 7:42 pm

    Hey me and my ex broke up about 5 month ago from a 7year relationship .. all because of his family..he lives in London and I’m in Poole .. I went to London to visit my best friend and I bumped into him! We decided to meet and then we had sex! I left the next morning to travel back home .. all of my feelings have came back and I can’t stop thinking about him 🙁 so I text him putting it all on the table basically asking to start over.. his reply was I’m sorry love but I’m still not over you to get back into it all .. maybe at a different date. So I’ve bloked him for my own sake .. will I ever get him back?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      October 25, 2018 at 8:06 pm

      Hi Martha!

      Well first of all, 7 years counts for a lot and that kind of traction of being together that long should pay dividends. Maybe its best to initiate No Contact. Have you tried that? Do you understand how all the elements of that process works? Feel free to pick up my book or explore my site for more insights!

  3. Teresa

    October 14, 2018 at 12:10 pm

    Hi! My ex boyfriend and I were together for 5 months, we broke up on good terms, still had some activities together when we were sepparated. I was out of the country for a couple of months and now, after 6 months we saw each other, instantly felt a connection and slept together, and it was as good as always, for a moment it felt like nothing has changed. I spent the night over, just like a usual night. But I feel like he just wants to sleep around more.. We are kind of ignoring each other now. I don’t even know if I want something from him, I’m just confused..

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      October 14, 2018 at 9:17 pm

      Hi Teresa!

      If you are confused, take a step back and take some quiet time for yourself. See how he responds, if he chases. Then take small steps

    2. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      October 14, 2018 at 9:17 pm

      Hi Teresa!

      If you are confused, take a step back and take some quiet time for yourself. See how he responds, if he chases. Then take small steps

  4. Jenny

    September 5, 2018 at 6:05 pm

    Ugh I had sex with my ex. He broke up with me cause we were always arguing and couldn’t get along. It was my dumb idea to have sex Nd he even said “I feel like this is going to make things harder” and now it’s true I feel that chest pain all over again and embarrassed/guilty. We broke up about 2 weeks ago and have 2 children together so I can’t NOT TALK to him in a sense. What should I do

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 6, 2018 at 3:58 am

      Hi Jenny….its OK. That happens all the time with couples trying to find their way. Limited contact may be the way to go. Take a look at my program as it should help you with this whole process.

  5. Christina

    August 25, 2018 at 3:09 pm

    Me and my boyfriend were together for 3 years. I broke things off because he was cheating on me with his coworker. It was a messy breakup but we never had no contact. From the day I ended things we were still talking texting. He told me he didn’t love me anymore and all these things. Then he came back to me and wanted to work things out. We slept together more than once. Then I found out that this girl he cheated on me with that he claimed was not a problem anymore was still around. He would still communicate with me while they were dating. A few days ago on her birthday I found out that they were official it broke my heart really bad because he jumped into a relationship so quickly. The night of her birthday me and my ex saw each other and we had sex. Played it off like it didn’t mean anything to me. After we had sex we talked and he said we shouldn’t talk anymore , this won’t happen again and I said okay. He then said well if you want we can still talk and check up on each other or something. The whole time he was calling me babe and making out with me and I was surprised that even happened because he had told me he didnt want anything to do with me anymore because he was in this relationship. He wrote me the next day and said I still don’t have feelings for you and I said okay. As crazy as it sounds I do want my ex back and I wrote him yesterday asking him if he wanted to hang out. I didn’t get anything back. Found out he’s in Vegas with his new gf. So here I am back to being heartbroken because I thought I was strong enough to just have sex with him and it didn’t mean anything. It made me want him even more.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      August 26, 2018 at 1:36 am

      Hi Christina!

      Very sorry your ex was so foolish to cheat on you after 3 years. I think a good course of no contact is the best approach going forward. Time will tell just how things shake out with this other girl. Use my program to optimize your chances as there are some things you can do to reinforce your value and drive him a little crazy wishing he had treated you differently.

  6. Vissani

    April 29, 2018 at 9:47 am

    Hi Chris, thanks for your response. Was watching a lot of your videos and I just purchased the book and I’m excited to start the Facebook support group as well. While I’ve only started the book, I’m wondering how long of NC I should go through originally I was going to do 30 days but feel like 21 might be enough? I’m afraid that if I keep out of contact too long, my ex will continue to bond with the other girl without my being there since our break up was more like 8 mo. ago now that I think about it. And is it necessary for me to go through each phase of texting, phone call progression etc. if I know that he will meet me in person if I just contact him?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 29, 2018 at 8:59 pm

      Hi Visanni…you going to love the Private Facebook Support Group! Great question about NC. That whole process is fascinating. I even wrote a huge book about it (The No Contact Rule Book). NC is highly adaptable to each person’s situation. Based on what you have told me, I think a briefer NC period would be in order. (17-21 days). I would follow the phases…starting with texting. You can use these phases strategically such that re-attraction it built up slowly.

      Remember, in matters like this….less is more. You want to leave him little breadcrumbs that slowly lead to a wonderful “You”.

  7. Vissani

    April 28, 2018 at 8:54 am

    I was with my bf for 10+ years. He broke up with me 6 months ago saying the relationship wasn’t going anywhere. I found out later he wanted to pursue someone else who is also in a relationship because he had a feeling he had a chance and needed to try. He just hit a major birthday milestone, and so I feel like he’s going through a phase. I believe he’s slowly starting to see that the other girl is not as serious about him as he is her. During the entire breakup time, I’ve kept in contact and we’ve regularly started having sex which I initiated first because we were both single. It helped me through the hardest part of the breakup in the beginning. The relationship has turned into a benefits one, which I don’t want. I still have feelings for him, I’ve started working on myself and feel much better than I did initially. Started going to the the gym, shopping, make over, spending more time with friends. Last time he came over, I denied sex and pushed him away. This was the last time we saw each other before I started to initiate NC for the first time. It’s been 2 weeks with successful NC. Before I have never gone speaking to him for more than 3 days. I’m not sure if I still have any chance to get back together with him and if I should continue NC or what to do after NC. If I call or text him, I know he will not ignore me. Any advice?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 28, 2018 at 11:41 pm

      Hi Vissani. You are on the right track with NC. The best way to optimize your chances and get up to speak on how to manage the post breakup process is to have a plan. So consider my ebook, Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro. It is a comprehensive Companion Guide on all things breakups and will help you with how to reopen communications after the NC period and much, much more. Just go to my website Menu/Products link to learn more. Given the two of you have a lot of history, I think your chances are much better than average. Let me know how things go for you!

  8. Concettia Nall

    April 12, 2018 at 2:00 am

    I have a long story. But you are right he wants to turn every conversation…almost,into a fantasy.
    Thing is he is supposed to be engaged. But I must say we were engaged when he dumped me for her.
    I have wasted 15 now 17 years of my life.
    Should I do a 21 day no contact?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 12, 2018 at 3:05 am

      Hi there! If he is engaged, i would put him way on the back burner.

  9. Renee

    April 7, 2018 at 9:31 pm

    I dated my ex for just over 3 years. My ex boyfriend began texting me after 30 days of NC. Asking lots of stupid questions just to be in contact. He asked if he could stop over to do something around my place. I said yes but we ended up sleeping together instead. Feelings resurfaced. There was no contact for several days. Each day I started to feel used and upset with myself for losing self control. He’s been pretty distant since. Is there anyway to recover from this and get him back?

    1. Jennifer Seiter

      Jennifer Seiter

      April 7, 2018 at 10:25 pm

      Hi Renee, I understand how you feel used and upset for falling into that trap. It’s a common mistake and you can repair that.

      If he doesn’t reach out for a week restart a no contact for 21 days and work on regaining your self esteem. If he reaches out within a week don’t act angry. Read Chris’ post on being the ungettable girl and follow that.

      When you rebuild the relationship after no contact, assuming he doesn’t contact you start over as if the mistake didn’t happen. Rebuild attraction slowly. Does that help answer your question? Sorry your feeling bad just realize this feeling is temporary. xx

    2. Renee

      April 7, 2018 at 11:38 pm


      Thank you so much for the quick response. You answered my question. Today is the one week mark since we last spoke. I’ll take your advice both with no contact for 21 days as well as reading the ungettable girl post. I was getting to that place where I was feeling good and working on myself. I already went through a divorce and I learned from mistakes as well as wrong done to me. I believe in being patient and working on things. I also know no one can put me through the amount of hurt I went through with going through the divorce. Thanks again Jennifer!

    3. Jennifer Seiter

      Jennifer Seiter

      April 8, 2018 at 2:20 am

      Glad my response was helpful! Divorces are tough lessons but I think most people change the negative behaviors about themselves after a divorce because it’s such a life altering experience.

      I think your going to do great after your no contact. <3

  10. Joanna

    April 6, 2018 at 10:39 pm

    My ex has a girlfriend we were engaged for 4 years been split up 6 months but he’s been texting me all the time and since end January saying he’s not happy and then in March they split kept asking me round then finally 3 weeks ago I went there had sex the very next day his girlfriend was back !!! So I message her and told her everything now I haven’t heard a word from him Day 9 NC ?????

    1. Jennifer Seiter

      Jennifer Seiter

      April 7, 2018 at 1:59 am

      Okay, are you sure they actually split up or were they taking a break? He’s probably upset that you told the OW and she seems to be okay with what happened OR he told her your lying. Stick to the NC for 21 days then use the being there.

  11. Confused

    April 5, 2018 at 2:33 am

    Hi, I had sex with an ex and became completely obsessed and clingy due to my insecurity. I basically laid it all out to him and begged him to take me back, but he said he doesn’t see me as a girlfriend. Is there anyway to recover from this and get him back?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 5, 2018 at 11:48 pm

      I don’t think it’s insecure to feel attached after sex… I think it’s kinda normal.

      I feel the approach you took to get a commitment was a little wrong but nothing I haven’t seen before.

      Best thing for you to do is simply try a shorter NC like 21 days to start with.

  12. Sarah

    March 28, 2018 at 10:41 pm

    I have the weirdest ex ever !! He was treated me as a friend but badly and sometimes as a girlfriend then when I used the n.c he blocked me everywhere..
    after months he came back and want to have just sex after we did it he left again because he didn’t feel safe with me
    then he came back again talking and apologizing.. telling me to moving on and to be with my new boyfriend and we will be just friends and we became friends again ..
    then he hacked my account and he read all my chat which I was cursing him at it with my friend and he was sad and angry .. I apologized a lot then he told me that he wanted to have sex with me !! After we did it he asked me to move on with my new boyfriend and told me that he will never marry me and he doesn’t love me anymore, and he don’t know why he is still talking to me .. I told him that’s unfair for my boyfriend and I should break up with him anyway.. he asked me to be with him because he is a good man and etc..
    And we became a friends for a while and then he asked to see me and we had sex after it he told me that he should go away to help me to move on and asked me not to send him anything for a while and maybe after a while we can be friends again but I think he is still logging into my account.. I don’t want to continue with my boyfriend now because what I did and I wanna him back.. I cannot understand him .. what should I do??

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 3, 2018 at 1:50 am

      I know a lot of women that might disagree with you on the weirdest ex comment but you got me intrigued.

      I think ultimately what happened here is that when he didn’t have you he remember all the times he did and got a bit… “horny.”

    2. Sarah

      April 4, 2018 at 3:24 am

      Chris, so What should I do? How can I get him back? Should I stop having sex with him?

    3. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 5, 2018 at 10:48 pm

      Yes should definitely stop having sex with him. Did you read the article above?

      It’s all about STOPPING and how to do it with the best results.

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