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187 thoughts on “What To Do If You Had Sex With Your Ex?”

  1. Edwina

    July 30, 2020 at 1:18 pm

    Hi! I was seperated for approximately one year from my husband; during that time I dated someone and feel in love. Everything was going great. We ended things because I was unable to file for a divorce. Mind you, I am not in a happy marriage, but we have a child together and my husband refuses to discuss our issues. To make a long story short, my husband found out of my “affair” and was highly upset. Note: he was never given confirmation that my affair was sexual; he just states he knows it was. I ended things with my lover, and stood in marriage. I cut all ties with my lover for 3 years. My marriage has not changed for the better whatsoever. We sleep in seperate rooms, before the separation and till this day. I feel he is playing role of “roommate”. Recently, my lover, contacted me… we’ve been talking and texting, and all seems as we did when we had started dating 3 years ago. He shared with me the pain he went thru when loosing me. He states he waited for me an entire year for my return. He attempted numerous times to contact me, but I wouldn’t return calls and had taken him off social media. After a long year and a half, he stated he had to pick up the pieces and try to date. He commenced a relationship, that lasted approximately 6 months, and it was difficult for him to continue it for all he ever thought of was me. He states missing me and thoughts of me consumed him. That he is certain as he was when we were dating, that I was and will forever be the love of his life. It’s crazy, because after our affair, I felt same about him for those 3 years as I continued in my helpless marriage. To make story short, we have been in constant communication since he reached out and I finally accepted the contact. He has requested we meet and honestly we are both looking forward to be sexual. I am feeling a bit afraid, for at this time I am not a separated married woman , I am a married woman with my husband under my roof, therefore I will become a cheater. I’m not sure if meeting u with my ex (lover) is a good idea. But, oh my… I really want to. What if he’s my soulmate? We are both over 50 years of age… it’s scary. What is we belong together, yet I’m wasting years in a marriage that don’t bring me happiness. Any advice will be highly appreciated. Should I meet with my ex (lover)?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      July 31, 2020 at 3:48 pm

      Hi Edwina, I would suggest that you end your marriage and file for divorce being with someone who you are this unhappy with is unfair to your husband and to you. Your child will learn to adjust and also be happier if they have two happy parents not two parents who do not even love each other. As for your ex, that is for you to decide but until you leave your husband you are bound to repeat the same pattern as last time you were invovled

  2. Claire

    July 27, 2020 at 8:36 am

    My ex of 4 months split with me 6 months ago. We stayed in contact with regular texts & phone calls till 2 months ago, when he blocked me as I was getting too dependent on him & lockdown made me feel insecure that he ever did love me etc.
    6 weeks ago we got back in contact as he had promised to fix my car. We’ve had light contact since & then last night we had sex and I have left this morning having not said anything about a future etc. I still love him and would dearly love to be with him again. We get on, chat lots, laugh and feel relaxed together. Plus the sex is amazing!
    But I can’t ask him how he feels as I’m scared he’ll then run away. He broke up because he said I was “too full on” ‍♀️ I am insecure and do love intensely. What do I do now to get him back ?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      August 8, 2020 at 11:38 pm

      Hey Claire, I would suggest that the first thing you should be doing is working on your self esteem and confidence so that you are not so insecure. Reaching out to your ex when you are insecure is going to show and that is not going to be seen as attractive. Confidence is key

  3. Krystal Daniels

    July 20, 2020 at 5:42 pm

    My ex had reached out to me out of the blue. At first I didn’t know who’s number that was (Since I deleted his number after a nasty breakup) but when he revealed himself to me, I was wondering why he wanted to talk to me. Since our public breakup feud on social media had stopped in the beginning of this year, he told me that he actually missed our friendship and romantic times. At first I was reluctant to forgive him, but we both apologized for the things we said and did. And we reconnected our friendship however, we had to contact each other in a low key way because he doesn’t want his sister to find out that we got in touch. She was also the reason why he broke up with me. I did agree to not making our friendship public for his sister and family to see. It’s also very obvious that he missed us when are friendship was very inseparable as well as our relationship. And we still say sexual, sweet nothings to each other. But the last thing I want is to feel like I’m reliving those hurt feelings and pain.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      August 11, 2020 at 2:24 pm

      Hi Krystal, it sounds as if you could get your ex back in a romantic way but you need to understand that his sister, and possibly family will be against this at first and it is only going to work and last if he is willing to stick up for you and your relationship. Tread carefully is my advice, do not let your feelings get stronger until you know he is going to stand up for you

  4. Natalie

    July 12, 2020 at 7:19 pm

    Hi, I have recently connected with my ex of 20 years. We were together in high school. We have been texting, phone sex. We also have some great conversations. We didn’t break up 20 years for any bad reasons, we just ended up going to different colleges. After talking with him I’m really feeling a connection. I am currently in a relationship that has not being going well in the last 5 years. We are taking some time off and I have been interested in my ex. My ex and I are planning to be intimate at some point in the next few months And spending time getting to know one another. I just want to know if it’s a good idea I do this or should I just take it slow with him.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      July 13, 2020 at 4:32 pm

      Hi Natalie, so I would suggest that you take it slow with your ex but also be clear and end things properly with your current. It is unfair to make someone feel that they are on a break when you plan to see how something goes with a second person

  5. Madi

    July 11, 2020 at 7:26 pm

    Hi! Me and my ex broke up about a year ago. I ended things with him and we both immediately rebounded. I’ve missed him basically the whole year and reached out and we hungout, had drinks, and had sex. We have hungout 2 times since then and had sex again but he said he doesn’t want a relationship for a while, and that our breakup was the hardest thing he’s ever gone through. So I know he’s guarded right now. Is there still a chance? The fact that he’s even hanging out with me?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      August 4, 2020 at 10:18 pm

      Hi Madi, you are setting yourself up for a friends with benefits situation where you are likely to get hurt and have to go back into a No Contact again. I suggest that you stop sleeping with him and pull back where he has to invest some time in talking to you, and taking you out on dates etc.

  6. Clarice

    July 1, 2020 at 2:46 am

    Hey, my ex and I broke up 6 months ago,we decided to remain friends. Though I never texted him because of the contact period he recently reached out to me and we hanged out and had sex after small amount of cuddle time I asked him to take me home right after. Now he hasn’t reached out. Should I approach him or keep the no contact?Is there a chance he wants things to go back?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      July 4, 2020 at 12:32 am

      Hi Clarice, I would suggest that you go into a No Contact and leave it for 21 days and then start the texting phase, but it is important that you do not sleep with him again unless you are back together

  7. Jessie

    June 26, 2020 at 10:51 pm

    Hi, my ex fiance broke up with me 3 yrs ago, we started speaking again last winter, not everyday just once every now and then and we sext and have phone sex together, but he was so clear that we won’t be back together, and I said it’s okay. But I love him and I really want us to get back together, is there any chance ?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      June 27, 2020 at 8:02 pm

      Hey Jessie, it sounds as if he is still interested but I suggest that you start meeting up and having dates and not rushing the sex because you want a commitment before you end up in a friends with benefits situation

  8. Pat

    June 22, 2020 at 2:50 am

    Great article. Read it after sleeping with the ex. We did not cuddle after. I got yo went to the bathroom we both fell asleep….we got up he drove me home no kiss or physical contact. I texted him hours later saying i appreciated him for last night. (That was probably a wrong move). I don’t want to be friends with benefits did I screw up?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      June 27, 2020 at 9:31 pm

      Hi Pat as long as you do not start chasing him then you will see progress, if you start chasing he will feel like he needs to end things with you again. Complete a short nc and then start the texting phase

  9. Laura

    June 9, 2020 at 7:01 pm

    Hi, i slept with my ex three nights ago.

    We have been separated for a year. He had issues & wanted ‘space & time’ to clear his head. He has been in deep therapy for the year too. We had 3 months of no contact from my side. Then we have slowly been meeting for walks, talking about
    nothing too deep. A few weeks ago i had a bad patch where i was missing him so badly & told him. He was also feeling the same. After a normal walk together he suggested a longer walk with lunch. Our day went beautifully…. again just hanging out
    no kisses or touching. Every time
    i was about to leave he made an excuse for
    me to stay, ‘Let’s get one more coffee’ , ‘let’s watch a movie’ etc. After our film he was sobbing…. i reached out & gave him a hug & he broke down in my arms. He said he has missed me & i have a big affect on him. I stayed over & we had been drinking. No sex that night we just fell asleep together. The next morning after a good hour or so of holding each other & looking at each other we made love. He said how beautiful i was & the sex was. He made me breakfast, tea & more tea. I decided to leave his around midday.
    We have not spoke about it & i am unsure if we should ? As i left him i did say ‘let’s not over think this’ and he kissed me a lot as i
    left. Help…. what is my next move? I am still in love with him.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      June 16, 2020 at 10:17 pm

      Hey Laura as you slept with him and don’t want a friends with benefits situation you need to not chase him right now. Take a step back almost. And then see if he initiates in the next few days, I would suggest that you avoid being his FWB or a booty call when he is lonely. Start the texting phase and start getting him invested in talking to you and spending his time with you

  10. Kacey

    June 3, 2020 at 7:25 pm

    We split about a month ago… Started talking after 2 weeks NC. Seen each other twice since then the last 2 weekends. The last weekend we slept together… Drunk…. Big mistake on my part. And we cuddled after which I regret. Didn’t talk about the relationship or breakup or anything like that… Haven’t brought it up once since we broke up. I left in the morning and he didn’t msg me that day at all. I didn’t reach out either. The next night he msged me and we talked a bit. Just small talk. He’s so hot and cold. The last couple of days I’ve been the one to reach out or if he reached out he wouldn’t say much and I would be the one trying to keep the convo going (another mistake on my part). Where do I go from here? Yesterday I reached out and I left him on read last night after he said his day was exhausting that he was heading to bed as soon as he got the energy to do some cleaning up around his house. He was online again though an hour later and again an hour after that. I was online too but I was just chatting with some of my other friends. I know I messed up a bit and need to be harder to get (covid 19 definitely doesn’t help you keep yourself busy!) ive been working on myself a lot since the breakup. I just need to know what to do now that I have already slept with him once… We cuddled…. And then I talked too much… Thanks in advance!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      June 12, 2020 at 9:38 pm

      Hi Kacey, you need to go back into No Contact and start the program again

  11. Anastasia

    May 31, 2020 at 7:29 pm

    Hi! My ex broke up with me 3 months ago due to some family differences. We have been together for 4 years. We loved each other when we broke up. To this day (3 months later, he still hasn’t told his family we’ve broken up) He was reaching out a lot at first but it’s moreso me reaching out now. He still responds and is conversational. He asked to meet up with me two months after we broke up- and we drank, talked and had sex. He initiated cuddling with me and kept kissing me and even didn’t let me leave until I kiss him goodbye. In the last month he seems more distant and is okay with going weeks without talking when we used to text all day long. And when we talk about “us” he seems to have moved on emotionally. But idk if he has or if he’s just trying to be a strong tuff guy.
    I recently asked him to come over to my house and we spent all day together talking, drinking and eat. As it got into the late evening, he kissed me and put his hands on my face told me he wanted to take a photo of me in that moment because I am just so beautiful. He initiated sex and again kissed and cuddled with me all night.
    I just can’t read him- idk what he wants. Does he still love me? Why do all this extra love-y stuff then not text me the next day? I still love him deeply and he knows that. But I’m at a fork in the road emotionally cause I can’t read him.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      June 16, 2020 at 8:50 am

      Hey Anastasia, so I would say that this guy probably does still care for you, but he is getting benefits of a relationship without being in one… You need to set the record straight. If you are not back together then you need to end this before you get hurt and start your No Contact phase.

  12. Sam

    May 20, 2020 at 5:45 am

    We split a month ago after living together for 6 years he has alcohol/personality disorder issues, but been talking every night trying to keep him focused to get help. Last night we ended up sexting.. my question is does the rule apply to my situation too?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 20, 2020 at 7:57 pm

      Hi Sam, so this is not how we suggest you follow this program, you would need to go into a No Contact. With him having alcohol and personality disorder that is up to him to take care of himself as you are not his guardian. During your No Contact you need to be working on your Holy Trinity

  13. Chris

    May 19, 2020 at 10:37 pm

    6 years with the mother of my two kids.. she than had an affair that lasted almost 3 years behind my back. She left me for him and never told me about him.. or why. I found out while going through my PC.. within 2 mo. Her married man she was wanting a relationship . Turned out to be sleeping with multiple girls other than her.. two days after finding this out she came back and begged me to take her back.. I did after agreeing to go to counseling. The counseling we did were as couples for several months.. at that point the counselor reccomended she do individual counseling.. she stopped going for a month and at my request she went… 3 months later she moved out and said she wasn’t happy anymore. Broke my heart.. again. Three mo. She has been gone and was reluctant to ever talk or spend time with me. She asked if she could come over this weekend and I said ok.. she stayed three days and had sex both nights she was here. Today I texted her at work and asked if she was stopping out afterwards. She texted me saying she enjoyed our to me together and said she felt sad. I told her maybe it’s depression.. (runs in her family). She said maybe.. she said she wanted to be alone and that she was going to go hang out with her friend and maybe she would come over later maybe not. She also said that shoes afraid that she didn’t want to hurt me and that she doesn’t want us to get back together.. than her leave me again. She claimed she didn’t know if she could be the girl I needed her to be in a relationship. (Open, honest, and faithful). We have two girls together 4 an 6.. I love her, and she loves me. I’m sure. . She is just never open about her feelings and confused all the time. What can I do??!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 20, 2020 at 8:07 pm

      Hi Chris, I would say that she needs to get herself sorted, and she is right not to come back until she has decided what is going to help her. I hope your daughters are doing well with their mother going through this stage. I would avoid sleeping with her again until you are back together – if that happens. There is not much you can do apart from be a good father to your children, and also make sure you are taking your own feelings into consideration too. Follow a Limited no contact information for some time so that she has the opportunity to miss you and also be in touch with the girls at the same time.

  14. Tonnie

    May 16, 2020 at 2:48 am

    So i broke up with my ex about 2 months ago over random arguments that actually really hurt his feelings,after the breakup he kept on texting me and telling me that he believes nothing should change even though we’ve broken up,I agreed and we were talking like nothing happened.
    We met like a month after and it was just like old times, nothing changed, we were free with each other
    Fortunately he slept off leaving his phone was with me unlocked,I checked through his messages and saw that he’s been texting other girls then I confronted him that our breakup isn’t even up to a month and he’s started texting other girls
    He then said they’re no strings attached and they’ve not started dating blah blah
    He started feeling bad then we had sex
    Immediately i left his place,I started feeling guilty so i blocked him on whatsapp and all then he started calling and begging me to unblock him
    I didn’t until we met somehow then he knelt down for me to unblock him
    I did because I wanted to though
    We started talking again like normal friends
    Then one day,He told me he thinks I deserve the truth and said he dated a girl after we broke up, had sex with her and broke up then kissed another girl
    I was wowed that I didn’t know what to say but I couldn’t judge him so I pretended asif he didn’t tell me anything to make him not feel bad and all
    And we continued talking normally about stuffs like getting back together but he didn’t make any move
    But I knew he loves me, i just didn’t figure out what he wanted exactly
    Then we met again and had sex without getting back together
    Once again I started feeling guilty and was forcing him for a relationship
    He finally did ask me but I knew it was forced and I couldn’t say yes, I said no
    Then he went all he planned to ask me out on my birthday(June)but i ruined it, blah blah
    So presently, we’re still exes but he’s still texting me asif nothing happened but i told him I’ve given up on us and that we’re over
    I’m so confused, prolly i overreacted or he never or doesn’t love me
    I really need your help

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      June 6, 2020 at 8:44 pm

      Hi Tonnie, I am not sure what you want help with. If you are unsure of where you stand with him then you need to have a conversation about this and if he still says that you are broken up then you need to go into a No Contact for 30 days and then start the texting phase. Make sure that you are working on your Holy Trinity regardless of how your conversation goes so that you learn how to control your emotions and reactions.

  15. Marie

    May 11, 2020 at 3:03 pm

    We dated for 2.5 years long distance but saw each other every other weekend. I have kids who he still talks to occasionally. We fought over the same issue for the last year repeatedly until he said he couldn’t take it anymore and we broke up. He said he needed space and time and that once the issue was resolved, he’d like to give us another go but for now we should both work on ourselves, separate. There was a lot of crying but no fighting and it went pretty well all things considered. That happened three months ago. We didn’t do full no contact and we have situations in which we can’t. But here’s the catch – I am killing any chancing of us getting back together. I would create space, and then if he gave me any attention, I jumped on it as an opportunity to talk about our future. Same thing was said… “down there road…..” then I let 4 weeks go by. We had a date night. I slept with him. Then we had the same conversation about getting back together with the same result, he pulled further away. You can see where this is going.
    “This is where you start blowing up his phone and acting extremely insecure.

    The end result is that he wants nothing to do with you.”
    So what do I do if I’ve already done this?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 19, 2020 at 6:02 pm

      Hey Marie, you go into your NC now for 45 days and work on yourself and your Holy Trinity in that time. Then reach out and make sure that you are not intimate with him again unless you are in a relationship again

  16. Scott

    May 11, 2020 at 5:15 am

    I’m a guy… but I find it very interesting what you said cause I just did that with my ex. We have one child together and we were together for 6 years . Off and on for the last 2 and now Completely broken up for the last couple months. We Havnt really hung out or anything romantic until last night… and we had sex… I’m the puller and she’s the pusher… I played it cool and got up after and just left and went home.. she seemed very confused!! Lol… what should I do now??

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 12, 2020 at 3:42 pm

      Hi Scott, if you want to get her back, then avoid sleeping together again but spending time with her and your son showing you want to be a family is going to improve your chances of getting back together.

  17. E

    April 27, 2020 at 11:10 am

    Hi there!

    So my ex and I broke up officially a few days ago and we were an LDR for three months and never met fully in person but had plans to meet but the covid ruined everything. I’ve never had sex before (I’m 24) and I wanted my first time to be with him and if I want to move on it’s just my conscious saying he may return and one day we will meet and fulfill what I want. We would sext over FaceTime and text when we were together and I was comfortable with him. My mind just keeps telling me to go to him to figure things out and maybe find a way to try to get to my goal if he’s willing. Is this healthy? I’m trying to move on with someone else but whenever we get close to doing it I feel really guilty.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 5, 2020 at 10:10 pm

      Hi E, so by the sounds of things you were not ready to move on yet – which is also possible that your current is a rebound. I would take some time for yourself to think about what you want for yourself. Even if you spend some time single and working on being happy alone before you start getting into a relationship with anyone else

  18. Em

    April 24, 2020 at 4:14 pm

    I chatted with my ex 3 days ago and ended up having sex on chat. I know i was the one who iniate it out of whim but after that, he did not even reply to my last message. Can i still have a standing chance with him. Thank you

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 24, 2020 at 8:11 pm

      Hi Em, you still have a chance but you do need to stick to a NC and reach out to start building your connection starting with the texting phase and building you way up the value chain

  19. A. G.

    March 29, 2020 at 1:13 pm

    Is gonna be long but if you can help me I’ll appreciate it very much. My ex and I broke up like 3 months ago. I was the one that did it although I regretted it but when I tried to get back together she didnt want to, i think she was too hurt that I broke up with her when we said we wouldnt ever do that instead we would work on things. The thing is after that she said she didnt want to be with anybody in an official relationship but that we were together. We were like together for a month or so but there were things that she used to do but didnt anymore. Little things that I missed but she said she just needed time. I felt that there was something more and one day I confronted her and asked her what was going on, she just said she didnt want to be with anybody and that she wanted to work on herself and that she didnt know what else she wanted. After that we stayed friends because we were really close friends before we got together so it just felt normal no be around but she kept doing things that made me feel we were a couple and I would feel good but when I remembered we werent I felt sad. So I did what I knew I had to do and started no contact. She contacted me and said she didnt want me to go away completely, that I was perfect for her but she just needed to work on so many things. I told her we could be friends if she stopped engaging in couple gestures and she said she would try if i stayed in her life. During the days we had no contact I was doing great and felt great about myself (the time we broke up and she didnt want to get back together a couple of months ago I was going thru a lot in my life so I did everything youre not suppose to do after a breakup, neediness, insecurity, beggin, etc) but when I remembered who I was and payed attention to my feelings it was easy to just go no contact. Right now we’ve been seeing each other as friends and nothing has happened but I know she loves me and I love her so much but I just feel like I’m falling in love again, the things that made me wanna break up with her are no longer there. I really wanna have a relationship with this person and I want to give her the space she needs to grow while I grow myself. But she keeps reaching out to me when she knows she has feelings for me. How is she expecting to work on herself while having constant contact with me. Im a very strong person so I can go complete no contact without any problem or I could keep being her friend. Because the thing that makes me feel bad about acting like a couple when we’re not is that I think by allowing her to do that I am shrinking my chances of getting back together in the future. This is difficult for me to decide because i know for sure this person loves me and does want to be with me but I want to do something that allows her to work on herself (she used to be very needy and she realized it) without killing the chance of getting back together in the future. I want to go no contact so she can have space and work on herself while I do the same but she keeps reaching out even tho she doesnt want to be my girlfriend now. We are both women and this is my first lesbian relationship because Im straight so thats kinda why im confused. If it was a guy I would know exactly what to do buy since we are both girls I dont know if that changes something.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 6, 2020 at 10:49 pm

      Hey A.G The situation does not really change for same sex relationships, you need to follow the EBR program starting with NC and then working on your Holy Trinity. I do suggest that you do not behave as a couple while not in a relationship. This gives her security that you do not want her to have when you are not together.

  20. Lily

    March 29, 2020 at 8:36 am

    My boyfriend finished with me a month ago. I tried to reach out to him a couple of times and failed to get any kind of conversation – he ignored me. After those two failures I decided to leave it. Yesterday I receive a message early hours of the morning from him. The conversation started in an argument, ended up in a phone call and you guessed it we ended up sleeping together.
    I then left and went to work, an hour or so later I received a message from him to the effect of – did you get to work ok? We exchanged messages for about an hour – I sent the last message which was basically just me saying “can’t wait to go home, have a gin and go to bed!” – He read it and hasn’t replied. It’s only been 24 hours and don’t worry I have no intention of messaging him first. But would just like your opinion really on what is going on as I’m confused by his behaviour afterwards. The texting me straight after and then stopping has thrown me off! I’d like to get back together eventually but I know that this probably won’t happen.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 30, 2020 at 10:17 pm

      Hi Lily, so this is tricky as you do not want to fall into a friends with benefits situation. If you want him back in a relationship then you need to keep yourself composed and act as if you are not bothered by him. Act indifferent to him not replying and just carry on with your life as you would, allowing him to chase you now, and of course do not sleep with him again until you are back in a relationship

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