Lately we’ve been talking a lot about this concept of letting an ex go to make them come back. I’ve been on record many times saying how I think this is a key component to the no contact rule and the success you can see afterwards and it looked like Jule, our latest success story, took my words to heart.

After having her ex break up with her and even avoid the breakup talk altogether she joined The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Program and ended up getting her ex back.

Watch or listen to find out exactly how.

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How Letting Go Of Her Ex Helped Make Him Come Back

Chris:
All right. Today I have the honor interviewing one of our success stories named Julie. And I’m coming into this blind. I don’t know really anything about her situation, which is going to be a treat. So anyone listening to this, or watching this, is going to be learning as I’m learning. How are you doing, Julie?

Julie:
I’m doing well. How are you, Chris?

Chris:
Hanging in there. Hanging in there. So, where should we start? Let’s start in the practical place. How long were you and your ex together before you guys broke up? What did the breakup look like? Why don’t you start from the beginning.

Julie:
So, we were together about a year and a month before the breakup.

Chris:
Okay.

Julie:
And that was interesting. We had met from Facebook Dating, which was the first time I ever used the app.

Chris:
And did online dating? Have you ever tried-

Julie:
Oh, I have.

Chris:
The Tinder, or the Hinge, or anything like that?

Julie:
I actually have, but it was never on a serious time. It was just like, “Okay, well…” Because I’ve been single for a couple of years now, since my last ex. But I was on the dating apps, but then one of my friends was like, “You should really try it out and everything. Facebook Dating is a little more serious…” From the quality of guys she was running into. So I was like, “Okay. Let me try it out.” And that’s how I ran into my ex.

Chris:
All right. [crosstalk 00:01:28] So you ran into your ex, and dated him for a year and a half, right?

Julie:
Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Chris:
So we’ll skip all the fun part, and get to the bad part.

Julie:
Okay.

Chris:
How did the breakup go down exactly? What was the reasoning? What did he say? Who broke up with who? Why don’t you take us through that.

Julie:
So, when I refer to the breakup, I refer to it… Well, now it’s a little funny to look back at it. But I always call it an emotional rollercoaster.

Chris:
Okay. So you went-

Julie:
So-

Chris:
Up and down, and just sort of everywhere?

Julie:
Yeah. So the breakup happened, literally, probably three days after seeing each other. We were hanging out and everything typical, and then all of a sudden I just realized he was just being more flakey about our plans. And he was using the excuse, “Oh, I have to work more, I have to work more.” And then I’m over here like, “Well, tell me what’s going on. You’re not communicating.”

Julie:
And so the day that the breakup happened, we were supposed to hang out. Typical, it was a Saturday. And I was like, “Okay. Well, we have plans to hang out.” He’s like, “Okay. Yeah, I’ll let you know.” 4:00 or 5:00 in the afternoon comes and I’m like, “So… What’s up?” It’s like crickets. What’s going on? He literally just texted me like, “Oh, I’m on my way to go out East to finish this work job. I’m probably not going to hang out with you.” And completely blows me off.

Julie:
And this is where I get so mad, and I’m like, “Are you kidding me? You had all these hours to tell me this. What the hell?” And then, I-

Chris:
So-

Julie:
I madded.

Chris:
Okay. So basically what’s happening is, he almost seems to be avoiding a confrontation with you? Is that-

Julie:
Yeah.

Chris:
What’s going on? He gets-

Julie:
Absolutely.

Chris:
The sense, and doesn’t want to hang out with you. So, he’s going to avoid it, and then you’re just blowing up. Because naturally, you’re like, “What the heck? Why didn’t you tell me?”

Julie:
Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Chris:
Okay. So-

Julie:
Definitely.

Chris:
So first, that’s the first red flag that something’s amiss.

Julie:
Yeah.

Chris:
Okay.

Julie:
Absolutely.

Chris:
What’s the next red flag?

Julie:
Next red flag was, as I’m madding him now sending multiple texts basically just blowing up. Like, “How can you do this? What the hell?” Like, “I’m a person. Why couldn’t you tell me this?” All this stuff, and he’s just like, “I can’t do this right now.” Blowing me off still. And he’s like, “I got to talk to you tomorrow.

Julie:
And I’m like, “What?” Like, “This has to be fixed now.” And he’s like, “No. I got to talk to you tomorrow.” I’m like, “What the hell.” So the whole night, we’re not communicating. He’s not saying anything. He’s doing God knows what. The next day, with the official breakup, I call him. And he hasn’t bothered to text, call, nothing in the morning. Nothing at all.

Julie:
So he finally calls me after one of my text messages, and he’s just like, “Hey… We’ll talk later.” And I’m just like, “No. I want to talk now.” And he’s still pushing it off. So finally, that night, I’m like, “What is going on?” And this is how crazy it got, where it’s just, I’m like, “Where are you?” I don’t even know where he is. He’s like, “I just woke up from a nap.” I’m like, “A nap?” Like, “I’m still here. What’s going on? You’re not talking to me, and this is a problem.” Like, “You’re blowing me off. What the hell?”

Julie:
He finally snaps, and he’s like, “I can’t do this anymore. I’m done.” And I’m like, “What the hell do you mean you’re done?” Especially because of the fact that he’s breaking up with me on the phone now. And I’m like, “You don’t even have the common courtesy to tell me in person.”

Chris:
It’s scary to tell them in person. I’m not going to lie. My first girlfriend ever, I think I broke up with her when I was 19, right? So we had dated for about a year. And I literally used, “I’m done.” But I did it through text message, and I literally meant the conversation. Like, “I’m done with this conversation.” But she took it to mean the relationship, and I was just like, “Oh, okay.”

Chris:
So I guess I can kind of sympathize or empathize with your ex being scared of that conversation and saying I’m done. But were there any signs leading up to this that something is wrong? Was he a little bit more distant? Or was this just his normal way of handling any kind of conflict or confrontation?

Julie:
And the story actually gets a little crazier, which I’ll explain. But throughout the-

Chris:
Okay. We love crazy stories here.

Julie:
Oh gosh. Throughout the relationship, he was very… I would say avoidant. I’m more of the I want to fix this now, so that way the whole day isn’t ruined.

Chris:
So he’s like the avoidant attachment-style type, and you’re a little bit more leaning towards the anxious attachment-style type at this point?

Julie:
Absolutely. Yeah. Because I was-

Chris:
Okay. Well, that’s the most common situation we see.

Julie:
Yeah. And he has no problem spending hours not answering, or even a day. I wouldn’t go past one 24 hrs. Because at that point, I was so anxious that I was madding a lot.

Chris:
See, I’m like you. I don’t think I could do that either. I feel like I like the natural communication, the talking all the time. I don’t understand why some people need two to three days space of not talking. To me if you’re in a relationship, that seems just odd. But some people are just like that.

Julie:
Yeah, which is crazy to me. Well, especially, if there’s a situation going on. Because I do believe in healthy spaces, especially with this program now. It’s like, “Okay, space is good.” But two, three days-

Chris:
There’s such-

Julie:
Is kind of like, “What?”

Chris:
Right. That’s too much space.

Julie:
Yeah.

Chris:
Well, at that point it almost becomes disrespectful as well. Their purposely not talking to me in the relationship. Something’s really wrong. And you’re just trying to fix it, so I totally see where you’re coming from.

Julie:
Mm-hmm (affirmative). And so, here’s where our breakup got a little interesting. So after-

Chris:
Okay, let’s get to the good-

Julie:
Well, it’s actually not good.

Chris:
Well, yeah. Yeah.

Julie:
So-

Chris:
But that’s what the goods are for ex-boyfriend recovery.

Julie:
Yes. Yeah. So I didn’t take it very well that he’s trying to do this over the phone, so I was just like, “You know what? I deserve more respect in this. I’m showing up to your house.” So-

Chris:
Oh, I knew you were going to say that. I knew it.

Julie:
Yep.

Chris:
I knew you were going to do the whole crazy ex-girlfriend type thing.

Julie:
Yep. Yes.

Chris:
Okay. This is fun. Let’s do it. So, how did that go?

Julie:
Because before when we fought, I probably did that once. Where I showed up and then we talked it out and it seemed fine, for a month or so, and then we got rocky again for something completely stupid or random, miscommunication styles, all of that. And we went back to fighting.

Julie:
So when it’s finally the breakup, because I was like, “Are you sure? Are you serious?” On the phone before showing up. And he’s like, “I don’t see a future with you. Yes, I’m sure. I cannot do this anymore.” But I said-

Chris:
So it’s-

Julie:
“You know what?”

Chris:
So it’s in-person he’s doing this. He’s literally saying this to you, looking into your eyes.

Julie:
No, over the phone still. And so I said-

Chris:
Oh, so he’s over the phone still.

Julie:
“You know what? I’m coming…” Yeah.

Chris:
Okay.

Julie:
So I’m coming… To his face.

Chris:
So you call him first again before you came over? You didn’t just show up unannounced.

Julie:
Yes.

Chris:
Okay.

Julie:
Yes.

Chris:
See, that’s not as bad-

Julie:
I basically-

Chris:
As I thought, Julie.

Julie:
Well, he didn’t think I was coming.

Chris:
I thought you were going to just show up.

Julie:
No, I did. He didn’t think I was really serious.

Chris:
Okay.

Julie:
He thought I was still in my house. And I’m literally, like, “I’m 10 minutes away from you house.”

Chris:
Okay.

Julie:
And he’s threatening to be like, “I’m not here. I’m going to walk away. You’re not going to find me.” I’m like, “Nope. I will sit outside and you are going to meet me outside.”

Chris:
Oh, you are very determined to get your heart broken in person, I guess is the intriguing part about this. Okay.

Julie:
Yes.

Chris:
So, what happens?

Julie:
Because a part of me thought it was going to be serious. I thought it was going to be one of these fights that we had where, okay, you see me… Okay, you’re going to backtrack or something. But no, he was still serious. I pulled up, he came into my car. And I asked him again, “Are you serious about breaking up?”

Julie:
At this point he’s just looking forward. He’s not even looking at me. And he’s just like, “Yes. I can’t do this. Look at what you’re doing. You’re not respecting my space or my privacy.” And I’m like, “You just broke up with me, dude, over the phone. I think that went out the window.” That’s how my thinking was at the time.

Chris:
Right. Well, that’s normal thoughts.

Julie:
And he’s still reiterating the same thing. I don’t see a future in this. I can’t see a future with someone I fight with constantly.

Chris:
Okay. So you got-

Julie:
That’s when-

Chris:
Your heart broken in person.

Julie:
Yep.

Chris:
Okay.

Julie:
But he was still like, “Oh, text me when you get home. I want to make sure you’re okay.” And I’m just like, “Okay…” But then nothing the next day.

Chris:
Right. Well, it’s this is what I’m supposed to say. This is probably going to make her feel good, like I still care a little bit, but I want my privacy.

Julie:
Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Chris:
Okay. So now the strong upward march of getting them back, or determining whether you want them back, begins. So most of the people that find Ex-Boyfriend Recovery, or The Ex-Recovery Program, or the Facebook group, end up coming to us after a frantic Google search. They’re Google searching everything related to getting exes back, or, “Hey, what does it mean when he says this?” And then end up finding the website and getting entrenched in the zillions of articles there.

Chris:
Some people do it through YouTube. They’re just doing the same thing. What was your journey into learning about our method?

Julie:
So, after two weeks of madding him, after the breakup still. Yeah, because I still was like, “Let me give him a day or two.” Then, still see what’s going on, and I even apologized for things. I was like, “I’m sorry,” and all that, but still blowing up his phone. So finally a day came where he just didn’t even really text me at all. It was just a generic cold-less text, and I was like, “I can’t do this.” So, I Googled something along the lines of boyfriend says he doesn’t love me. Or something about the future… Doesn’t see a future with me.

Chris:
Right. Okay. Yeah, yeah.

Julie:
And that’s how Ex-Recovery popped up, with one article I believe you had touched base about that.

Chris:
Yep.

Julie:
And that’s when I started reading it. Yeah.

Chris:
All right. So you read it eventually. You decided to take the plunge and get into the Facebook group and start the process and the program that we try to teach. And I say try because not everyone listens to what we try to teach. How was that journey? Learning about the no contact rule and everything that needs to get done during the no contact rule?

Julie:
So, what’s interesting about it is that I’ve heard of the no contact rule before, years ago. Just that basis. And so I was aware of it. Never really fully practiced it because years ago when I decided, okay, no contact with someone it just turned into indefinite no contact, which I didn’t think was a thing.

Julie:
So, I never did it to get an ex back. So when I was going through your articles, I’m seeing more and more articles, especially the no contact, and then that’s when I saw the program. Where it’s just, let me take a leap of faith. Because it had so much things that you offered. Not only the program, E-book, but then coaching was also a part of it if I wanted-

Chris:
Right. You get that-

Julie:
And then the Facebook group.

Chris:
Right. You’ll get that discount on coaching if you want to do the coaching. You’ll get the Facebook group. There’s the audio aspect. There’s the PDF… There’s a bunch of stuff in there. But obviously, you get in there and it’s probably information overload. There’s too much stuff I’m imagining.

Julie:
It is.

Chris:
Yeah.

Julie:
It was very intimidating in a sense. Like, “Oh gosh. What is it?”

Chris:
Right. Right.

Julie:
But in the first week of trying to get into this, I’m not going to lie, it was so hard. Actually, three weeks. I’m not going to lie. But, yeah.

Chris:
So when you say get into it, are you referring to just simply getting through a no contact rule without breaking it? Or even just reading some of the content in the program, and being like, “This is too much.”

Julie:
Well, I think it’s more so the no contact rule. Reading the program materials helped ease my anxiety a little bit. But it’s just the no contact alone, starting it. Because before that period of time, I was talking to my ex every day.

Chris:
All right. So that was the pattern-

Julie:
Unless-

Chris:
Of the relationship. You’re talking every single day.

Julie:
Yeah.

Chris:
Now, you did the no contact rule. How long did you determine to do? What time frame? Were you a pretty standard 30-day rule?

Julie:
I was 45 days from the assessment. Yeah.

Chris:
All right, right. So 45 days. You got a long time before you’re going to talk to your ex again. Did you have any hiccups along the way? Where you broke at day 15 or something like that.

Julie:
So when I started it, I broke it day… I want to say seven.

Chris:
Okay. You made it one week.

Julie:
Day seven.

Chris:
Congratulations. So you had to start over again.

Julie:
Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Chris:
Hopefully you started over again. And what-

Julie:
No, I did. I did. Yeah.

Chris:
Okay. So I’m also trying to fish for an answer… But I don’t want to influence your answer. Because this is something-

Julie:
No, I get it.

Chris:
That I think is really important. At any point during the no contact rule, did you focus more on yourself or your ex? Throughout the no contact rule, was it always focusing on your ex? Or was there ever a transitionary period where you started like, “You know what? I’m going to focus on me,” for a little bit.

Julie:
So the initial start of no contact was definitely focused on my ex. It definitely was. But then probably two and a half weeks in, that’s when I started shifting the focus on myself.

Chris:
And then when you say shifting the focus-

Julie:
So, getting out more.

Chris:
All right. So, getting out more… What were some of the other things you did to “focus on yourself”?

Julie:
I actually in terms of work, I started picking up a little more shifts then I normally would have. Just to help build up getting rid of some debts I had accrued from credit cards, or whatever the case may be. But start saving as well. So work was part of it. Friends, because through the relationship it was more so we were together constantly. And I hung out with my friends, but not as much as I should have. I basically neglected that part of myself in the relationship.

Julie:
So I was going out with my friends more. Basically, seeing my family too. That was a thing as well. Hanging out with my cousins more, and getting in touch with them more. Seeing how everything’s been. Because it’s like I was emerged from a cage.

Chris:
All right. So it’s a year and a month of being in this relationship almost consumed your entire life, you would say.

Julie:
Yeah.

Chris:
At least when it comes to the Holy Trinity idea that we talk about, that relationships portion, or that pillar is mostly your ex. The romantic side of things.

Julie:
Mm-hmm (affirmative). Yes.

Chris:
So you’re just trying to broaden your horizons, so to speak.

Julie:
Yes.

Chris:
Okay. Did you do anything health-wise? So for me, working out and stuff is a great way to alleviate stress. And I imagine the no contact rule being an extremely stressful time in your life. Did you go on runs? Did you go on walks? Did you go hiking? Anything like that? Or was it pretty purely the wealth side of things with your work, and also just finding support through friends and family?

Julie:
So I actually did start working out again. Because in the beginning when I met my ex I was working out, but I fell off a little bit.

Chris:
Okay.

Julie:
And so when the breakup happened, especially when I was like, “I need to focus more on me now,” and I had a goal for myself. I’ll lose 40 pounds by this date. Nothing crazy. I’m still in the process though. Losing the pounds.

Chris:
Well, 40 pounds is a lot to lose in a quick span.

Julie:
Absolutely. But I’m still working on it, so that’s a good thing.

Chris:
Okay.

Julie:
But I still had a goal to let me at least start back up again. So I started working out with one of my friends who’s a personal trainer, and that’s who I trained before. So he was like, “Let’s get back in to the gym.” And he also helped as well.

Chris:
Great.

Julie:
In terms of, we’re going to start kicking some butt.

Chris:
Yeah, I love it. I love it. Okay. So another question I’m dying to ask you is… Because we haven’t really gotten to the good stuff yet. We haven’t gotten to the actual attempt of how you tried to get your ex back. We’re still in that no contact phase. But was there ever a period throughout no contact where you stop worrying so much about getting your ex back? And start instead accepting the fact that you may never get them back?

Julie:
Yes, I did. Because I got to the point where, especially in mind, I kept thinking wow. Because throughout the no contact, you also have that little wish that they would contact you in real life, but you’re not talking to them. So I was like, “Well, if someone’s not doing that, then am I even worth their time to them?” Am I even worth something to them?

Julie:
So after I saw I wasn’t really getting anything, I was just like, “Well, why am I going to stress myself out?” Especially because I never was like this with anybody. So why is he different? But that’s when I started seeing myself in terms of how I was looking, and I wasn’t really doing healthy things like eating properly. Because I didn’t really have an appetite when I was really hung up on him. And that’s when I finally was just like, “I can’t do this. I have to shift it back to myself.”

Julie:
Because that’s not a healthy way. And I was so sick and tired of having anxiety too. And so when I started reading more and more of your articles, and of course Facebook Lives, that helped me a little bit better to say, “Okay, no. This is really about you.” And I also did a few posts of what I was feeling, and there were some members that were very encouraging. And were saying like, “No, you’re a catch. You’re good. Focus on you. Keep doing you. Stick to no contact.”

Chris:
Okay. Right. So you have those moments where you have a crack. And you’re like, “Is this worth it? Is everything working out the way it should be working out?” You have those self doubts, and you come to the Facebook group and get almost some validation that, no, you’re on the right track. Keep going.

Julie:
Yes.

Chris:
Okay. You know what’s really interesting about your situation so far? Is I really think your ex at this point is an avoidant. So what’s interesting about avoidance is they typically will not “start missing you” until they feel that you’ve moved on. And the reason for that is because that’s when they feel safe to romanticize a relationship.

Chris:
So by doing all the stuff, putting the focus on you, it might appear to your ex as if you’re moving on. And that’s maybe when they start to miss you. But I’m dying to find out basically what happens after the no contact rule. So why don’t we take it from there?

Julie:
So what’s interesting enough is that I would say day 27 of my 45-day no contact, he actually reached out to me with a text. Really long text, which I also posted in the group because he almost got me to break it, but I was just like, “No, no, no.” I have to stick to this. But I wanted people’s opinions about it. Kind of apologizing for all the things that went wrong in the relationship, and other things as well. And I posted all this to the group, like, “What do you think? Is this worth it?”

Julie:
And everybody was just like, “No. Don’t break it. It didn’t have the golden factor.”

Chris:
It’s a trap.

Julie:
[inaudible 00:24:00] It was a trap. It was basically he felt guilty for himself, so he was basically trying to out-guilt himself, but not really care about the relationship I guess.

Chris:
Well, if you think about it, it’s his way of trying to make himself feel better about it. So, if you validate that with a response and say, “It’s okay, he gets what he’s looking for. And it’s okay, cool. Now, I’ll move on.”

Julie:
Yeah. And I didn’t get that. I didn’t validate it. I stuck to no contact.

Chris:
Good.

Julie:
But I basically-

Chris:
You’re so good, Julie.

Julie:
Ignored that message. It’s not easy though.

Chris:
No, I know.

Julie:
It wasn’t easy, but I stuck to it because it was just okay… Well, I reached out to another member of the group. She was very great in my help. Because I know there’s battle buddies. She wasn’t my original battle buddy, but she’s very involved because she went through the process before with her situation. And she was willing to answer questions. So I messaged her, which she was so nice about it, and I told her, “Well, what does this mean?” And stuff. Like, “Should I just…”

Julie:
And she was just like, “No. Don’t do it. No. It’s a trap. Don’t do it. Stick to your no contact. You got this.” But it also in a sense, might seem like it was working. So I was just like, “Okay, that’s a good sign.” But then after the days went on and I still didn’t get nothing after that text, it was just like, “Screw it.” I want to shift it back to myself again.

Julie:
It’s hard to explain, but when you get to that point, it’s not a specific pinpoint area to where you’d say, “Oh, this is what’s going to happen.” It naturally happened. Time actually did help. In terms of saying, “Well, look at what I’m doing.” I noticed that my savings account was growing. I noticed that my weight was changing. My body appearance was changing, and I started posting more on social media.

Chris:
Okay. So I think we call that momentum. You’ve really gotten momentum in all these other areas of your life outside of your romantic relationships. And obviously, that has an impact on your romantic relationships. So on day 27 of a 45-day no contact rule, he reaches out with the ultimate break this text. You don’t break it. You continue going. You gain that momentum. Does he reach out again before the 45 days are up? Or is it you who ends up-

Julie:
Nope.

Chris:
Having to reach out first after no contact is up?

Julie:
I have to reach out first.

Chris:
Beautiful. Beautiful. All right. So, how does that go?

Julie:
So, at that point, I was still super nervous. Because my no contact ended I guess I want to say on Friday, and it was just recommended that I wait that Monday. Especially because my no contact ended around New Year’s Eve, something like that.

Chris:
So you don’t want to make him think you’re only reaching out because of New Year’s, so you just wait until some distance has… So really your 45-day no contact was 48, 49 days.

Julie:
Yeah. It was 49 days, which is tough. Because by this point, I’m already missing Thanksgiving. Miss Christmas. So now New Year’s, so it’s like, “Oh my God.” We spent three holidays, and the big ones, couple holidays, not even spending together.

Chris:
So I feel like 2020 might be the throw out year, if there’s ever a throw out year for holidays-

Julie:
That’s true.

Chris:
And we had COVID. So that’s the way you should look at it. Not that you missed the couple holidays. You probably missed getting COVID or something. Look at it that way.

Julie:
Funny enough, he ended up did catching COVID when we weren’t together.

Chris:
Oh yeah. See? I am a mind reader, Julie.

Julie:
You are. You are. But-

Chris:
Okay, all right. So we’ll get to that… So hold on. Is that later when you start talking to him, and find out oh yeah, he had COVID?

Julie:
Yeah.

Chris:
Okay.

Julie:
That was after my first text. Because my first text, I decided to send a hook text. Like, “Hey… I need your advice on something.”

Chris:
Oh, like the damsel in distress type.

Julie:
Yeah.

Chris:
And it worked, right?

Julie:
It worked. Well, at first, I didn’t get a message right away. So I kind of freaked out, like, “What? Okay… After all this time, whatever.”

Chris:
That’s normal. That’s normal.

Julie:
But he finally answered… Yeah. He finally answered the same day of course, probably two hours later. And said, “Oh, hey, sorry. I’m just getting over COVID.” And that’s how I learned. I was like, “What?”

Chris:
Oh. So it was the first text.

Julie:
Yeah.

Chris:
The response to the first text.

Julie:
Yeah.

Chris:
Wow.

Julie:
And so he led with that, and then he was like, “What’s up?” And I used something along of like, “Sneaker advice.” Because I knew he was a very big sneaker head. So I used one of those. And he actually gave me a very positive response. He sent me screenshots of sneakers that he thought would look good on me.

Chris:
Oh, so he put some thought into it? He put-

Julie:
He did.

Chris:
Some thought into that response.

Julie:
But what’s interesting enough is that before he did any of that, he basically said, “Oh, happy new year to you too.” Which I was just like, “Okay…”

Chris:
Oh, when you didn’t-

Julie:
I didn’t really respond that.

Chris:
Oh, I see.

Julie:
Yeah, I-

Chris:
So he was upset that you didn’t say happy new year’s to him on new year’s.

Julie:
Exactly, and then on top of that he was like, “Is it for you or for someone else?” But then backtracked and said, “Nevermind, I guess it doesn’t matter.”

Chris:
Well, these are all great songs. It’s clearly signs that he’s number one, worried you’re going to move on. Number two, worried that you’re not talking to him. And number three, it’s a positive response. He put thought into it. So how did you respond to the is it for you or someone else?

Julie:
I didn’t even address it. Because I also looked at it like, “Well, I don’t have to.” Because he backtracked and said, “Oh, I guess it doesn’t matter.” So I was just like-

Chris:
He gave you a-

Julie:
“I guess it doesn’t.” Yeah, he did. So I answered… He sent screenshots of sneakers, and even said, “Oh, maybe you should try these? Because your feet are flat.” And in my mind, I’m thinking, “You remember that?” But I kept emotional control because I didn’t want to go overboard with it. So I basically said, “Oh, thank you. I’ll check it out.” And then I also responded back in terms of I needed time for myself because I was also advised not to really, completely ignore the fact that he reached out through my no contact with that text.

Chris:
Well, I think that’s a good ploy.

Julie:
Yeah.

Chris:
That’s something that I’ve found can be addressing that big elephant in the room when you get back into touch with them in a really clever way. Almost undercuts any type of animosity they’ll have towards you. How did you address it? Just basically saying I needed time for myself?

Julie:
Yeah. Just that I needed time for myself, thank you. Got to go train now. And then just left it at that. And he was just like, “Okay, you’re welcome…” But I could tell he was kind of confused. It was like a dot-dot-dot… Because I normally never used to just end the conversation. It would just go on when we were together.

Chris:
Beautiful. So all ready, he’s getting indications that you’re a little different than you were before.

Julie:
Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Chris:
All right. Cool. Let’s keep the train rolling. So what happens next?

Julie:
So I was told not to text him the next day, which is okay. I was planning to do my second text in a few days, but he ended up texting me the next day. And so he was just like, “Hey, are you working?” And I’m just confused. Because I was just like, “Okay…” But then he just told me he was with COVID before. So I’m thinking it’s because he needs to come to my job because I work in the medical field.

Chris:
Oh, so he’s thinking he needs to get checked out for COVID, and this is his slick way of seeing you?

Julie:
Yeah. So I wanted to gauge as to why, but also still keep control in terms of well, I don’t want to seem eager either. So it was more so like, “Yes, I am. What’s up?” Very plain, like that. And he initiated to see me.

Chris:
Okay. So he wants to see you right away?

Julie:
He said, “I wanted to see if you were free.” Yeah.

Chris:
All right.

Julie:
And that caught me off-guard. I was like, “What?” Because he was just-

Chris:
Yeah. That’s an interesting tactical decision on his part.

Julie:
Yeah. So not only is he asking to see me, he also puts in that his best friend at the time was over his apartment and they were speaking about me. And I was like, “Oh…”

Chris:
That’s weird.

Julie:
It’s very weird. So I basically sent a screenshot of the conversation, of course, to the group. Because I was just like, “What do I do?”

Chris:
I’m so glad we have this group.

Julie:
Oh my God, yes. I’m so glad too. So they all were like, “Don’t skip the value chain. No. Do not meet him.”

Chris:
Yeah, I wasn’t going to say anything. But I was like, “I hope she didn’t see him.”

Julie:
No, I did not. I didn’t. So basically, I responded in a polite way because one of the moderators gave me a way to respond which was so great. She basically just said, “Oh, just say that you’re busy, but I’ll let you know.”

Chris:
Oh, that’s beautiful.

Julie:
Pretty much, like I’ll let you know.

Chris:
That’s like the Chef Kids’ meme. It’s perfect.

Julie:
Yes. Yes. And so, I left it at that. And he’s like, “Okay. Just let me know.” And then we end the conversation there. I don’t even follow it up for the rest of the day. So the next time I’m supposed to send my second reach-out text, I sent him a, “Hey, can I get a recommendation about Netflix shows? I want to get into something after I get off of work.”

Julie:
And so I thought I was going to get something negative, because again, I didn’t answer him right away in terms of meeting up, but it was actually very positive. He was like, “Oh, you can check out one of these shows…”

Chris:
I figured it would be positive. Because if you think about it, him initiating that meet up try, and you nicely turning him down has to be disappointing. So it’s almost like, “Wait, she doesn’t want to see me?” And it makes him bummed out. So when he does hear from you again, he’s like, “Oh, thank God. She’s still interested.” And so, yeah. So what Netflix show did he recommend?

Julie:
I forgot the name exactly, but it was one of those gang mob situations in Britain.

Chris:
Peaky Blinders?

Julie:
Yes.

Chris:
Yeah.

Julie:
There you go.

Chris:
I love that show.

Julie:
Yes. So I was like-

Chris:
Obviously, you did not love the show. You can’t remember it.

Julie:
I didn’t even check it out.

Chris:
Oh, okay.

Julie:
I didn’t even check it out.

Chris:
All right. It’s just-

Julie:
Usually, I’m a-

Chris:
A means to an end for you.

Julie:
Yeah, it was just like, “Oh, I just wanted to know…” Because at the same time before, I still didn’t have time to check it out regardless. Because I was still working on the health, well, and relationship parts of the trinity that you speak.

Chris:
Right.

Julie:
So I was busy still working, doing my own thing, all of that. So I still didn’t even get a chance to check it out. But I will, I promise.

Chris:
That’s a broken promise right there, Julie. I’m pretty sure you’re never going to check it out.

Julie:
No, I promise I will.

Chris:
Don’t make promises you can’t keep. No, okay. All right. So did that turn into a little bit of a longer conversation? Was it a quick, rapid-fire type Netflix thing?

Julie:
So it was just rapid-fire Netflix, but what was interesting was, I said, “Okay, I’ll check it out. Got to run.” Whatever. And then what’s it called… He left it at that. But then ended up showing up to my house days later.

Chris:
Whoa. That’s a-

Julie:
Yeah, I know.

Chris:
So he shows up to your house a couple days later? So he skipped the value chain for you essentially.

Julie:
Absolutely.

Chris:
All right. So what happens? This is getting juicy.

Julie:
Absolutely. Oh, okay. I’ll let you know. Just give me one moment.

Chris:
All right.

Julie:
Yeah, so I’m on my way out. I’m basically dressed and everything. And so I’m getting ready to do my own thing with my friends and everything like that. Sorry… Give me one moment.

Chris:
No worries. Sounds like you’re walking around in your apartment or something.

Julie:
I’ll explain why. Because-

Chris:
Uh oh.

Julie:
You have to know the situation. But basically, I showed up at my door. And this is him, just saying, “Hey.” And I’m like, “Hey. What are you doing here?” And I’m like, “I can’t talk. I’m on my way out the door.” Because I have plans.

Chris:
You’re going somewhere. Yeah.

Julie:
I am. I’m going somewhere. So he basically takes a second and says, “Listen, I need a moment… [inaudible 00:38:06]” Okay. I don’t really think I have that, but he’s pleading at this point.

Chris:
Okay.

Julie:
And so, I was just like, “All right, fine.” So he comes inside. Obviously still trying to play it cool, he’s like, “Well, how are you?” And I’m just like, “This is what you wanted to talk to me about?” So basically, I’m like, “I’m doing fine. I’m on my way out with so and so… Everything, okay?” And he’s just like, “No. Everything’s not okay.”

Chris:
Oh.

Julie:
So I’m like, “Okay.”

Chris:
Okay.

Julie:
Yeah. So shows up, and basically tells me he’s been missing me. And basically [inaudible 00:38:51] up, at this point.

Chris:
Wait, so say that again? You kind of broke up.

Julie:
Oh, he basically showed up and told me that he regrets the breakup.

Chris:
Did he ever say specifically I want to get back together? Or was it just I really regret my decision to breakup with you?

Julie:
Well, he was saying more so he regrets it. [inaudible 00:39:21] while he’s telling me this. And even says, “I want you back.”

Chris:
Wow. So, he went with the nuclear option. And you were like that’s everything you’ve ever wanted to hear. So it’s just sort of-

Julie:
Absolutely. He’s not even the type. So I was just-

Chris:
Wow.

Julie:
Confused at this point. Like, “What the hell?”

Chris:
Yeah, that is a bold move. I have tried that move before and it blows up in my face every single time. But I guess he picked the right person to do it with. So I’m assuming you accepted, right?

Julie:
So not right away. Because at that point, I was okay-

Chris:
Look at you.

Julie:
With not getting him back. Yeah, I was okay with not getting him back. And at the same time too, I didn’t want to go back to the same [inaudible 00:40:14], and I was already doing my own thing, and just very comfortable with myself. So it was just more so I actually introduced the idea of let’s date. Just a fresh start. Let’s date instead, and see how this goes.

Chris:
Wow. Wow, Julie. So I love what you said about you’re okay with the fact that you didn’t have to get him back. That tells me that a lot of the anxious tendencies that you had before aren’t as present anymore. I’m sure they creep into other aspects. It’s just human nature to feel anxious when they don’t respond right away and things like that. But this almost seems to good to be true. It’s so amazing. What a success story.

Julie:
It was just crazy because he really wasn’t the type to ever do this, at all. But now, and we’re still together now, he actually showed up at my apartment just now. That’s why I had to step out.

Chris:
Oh, I see.

Julie:
Basically, yeah. But it’s been going very well.

Chris:
So I figured it was something… All right. So we’ll keep it quick so you can go see your boyfriend again here.

Julie:
Yeah.

Chris:
But yeah, so wow. So he showed up right as we were talking. That’s the first time that’s ever happened on a success story interview.

Julie:
I know. It’s so funny.

Chris:
All right. So when you look back… And let’s just do this for five more minutes. All right? And then I’ll let you go.

Julie:
No, yeah. Of course.

Chris:
When you look back at the whole situation, what do you think was the most crucial aspect to your success? To having him just show up and blatantly ask for you back?

Julie:
I would say shifting the focus from him to myself was very crucial.

Chris:
Yeah. That is the one pattern that we recognize is consistent among almost all success stories. I think there was a handful over the course of the years that they were kind of flukes. They didn’t really get their exes back by doing much. But yeah, you personified everything that you should have done. You did it so well. So you should feel extremely proud of yourself.

Chris:
And obviously, you’re still together. He’s showing up trying to interrupt our conversation now.

Julie:
I know.

Chris:
He’ll probably be like, “Who are you talking to?” And you’ll say, “Oh, it’s work.”

Julie:
Yeah. Because he was trying to push before, which again, since being together… I used to be the one to plan and say okay, can we meet up this time? Or whatever. It’s completely shifted. So I already warned him-

Chris:
Wow.

Julie:
“Hey, I’m going to be a on a conference call.”

Chris:
Oh, beautiful. Beautiful. Would you say things are better now than they were in the past?

Julie:
Oh, absolutely. 100%. Better communication-

Chris:
How long have you two been back together? Couple months?

Julie:
About a month now.

Chris:
Okay, about a month.

Julie:
About a month. So it’s still fresh, but I’ve noticed differences since the first go-around.

Chris:
That’s great.

Julie:
Because communication is better.

Chris:
That’s amazing.

Julie:
To the point where I don’t feel like I’m just a nuisance anymore, like I used to. Because again he would avoid a lot. But now when something happens, he’ll address it. And he’ll say-

Chris:
Wow.

Julie:
“Are we okay?”

Chris:
Wow. You basically tamed him, which is amazing.

Julie:
Yeah. With your help.

Chris:
Oh, no. You did it all. I just sort of wrote all the articles and stuff that probably inspired you. But you’re the one that did the hard work.

Julie:
Well, that helped, as well as the YouTube videos too. Because literally, we’ve actually talked about the breakup before and what his mind was at during that time. And he’s actually checked off a lot of your videos like Dumpers Remorse and everything. And I’m just like, “This is so funny.”

Chris:
Yeah. Well, I’m not making it up.

Julie:
How things just come together.

Chris:
People think I just pull it out of a hat. So your situation is really cool because you’re someone who did everything the right way and got the exact result they wanted. Which just makes me very, very happy for you. And I’m sure it makes you happy too.

Julie:
Yes, it really does.

Chris:
So is there any final thoughts you have to anyone listening going through a breakup that is maybe losing a little bit of hope? Because I think a lot of people are in that state of mind, where they’re like, “Is this worth it? Is this going to work?” What would you say to someone like that?

Julie:
Well, I would say it’s worth it regardless of if you get your ex or not. Because at the same time you’re discovering yourself, and I think that’s the main component of this process as well. Not just the ex back. Of course, it’s great to get him back, but to just focus on yourself and getting your well-being straight, I feel like is the crucial thing.

Julie:
Because if you’re so hung up and just doing this process to get them back it’s kind of missing the Trinity aspect. And you’re not really completing the full program. So when-

Chris:
I couldn’t say it better myself.

Julie:
Yeah. Literally, when it does happen, where it shifts from them to you, it helps a lot. Even in the process if you decide to get them back. It really does shift to them like, “Oh, well, maybe I didn’t know her as much as I did.” And you become a new person for the greater good of course.

Chris:
Amazing. Thank you so much for coming on.

Julie:
Thank you. I really appreciate it.

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