By Chris Seiter

Published on July 29th, 2023

I had the pleasure of interviewing “So.” A member of our community who has just gotten her ex back,

In the interview we talk about things like,

  • The breakup that led up to the reconciliation. 0:01
  • Meet the woman who got back together with her ex.
  • The dark times.
  • The first Christmas apart from her boyfriend.
  • The first serious boyfriend.
  • The grieving period before moving forward. 3:32
  • Being kicked out of the house.
  • The grieving period after the divorce.
  • Crying, ice cream and watching movies.
  • How long it took him to give it his all.
  • How did you find out about the other woman? 7:22
  • He got back in contact in January this year.
  • He wants to change relationship dynamics.
  • Being kicked to the curb again.
  • How to cope with the no contact situation.
  • What were you doing during the no contact? 11:35
  • No contact, meetup groups, gym, therapy and therapy.
  • End date for no contact.
  • Breaking the no-contact rule three or four times.
  • Building up a relationship.
  • How to deal with the fear of rejection. 16:00
  • Mentally and emotionally affected by the cycle.
  • Holding boundaries for yourself.
  • Cold turkey, no contact, no explanation.
  • Fearful avoidance, anxious and avoidant responses.
  • What happened with the other woman? 19:27
  • What happened with the other woman.
  • How his ex is handling his grief.
  • Holding boundaries and not ignoring calls and texts.
  • No contact for 45 days.
  • Setting the boundary on no contact. 23:22
  • Breaking up with her boyfriend.
  • No contact, no contact and no contact.
  • Coming out of his shell and asking for her back.
  • Being upfront and honest.
  • Holding boundaries and setting boundaries. 28:54
  • Hedging his bets with probing questions.
  • Lying on the hook for a bit.
  • The fear of loss aspect worked on him.
  • The difference between this and the previous go-around.
  • Advice on how to get help. 32:16
  • Getting professional help to make the relationship stronger.
  • Taking responsibility for the relationship.
  • The most important tactics that got her to success.
  • The no contact rule.

Interview Transcript:

Chris Seiter 00:01
This meeting is being recorded. All right, today, we have a very amazing success story we have. So who has been kind enough to come on here and basically give us the rundown of her entire situation on how her and her ex have gotten back together. So thank you so much for coming in doing this. Yeah, cause so is this is this pretty recent? Like I noticed, like a day ago, you posted in the community? Like, yeah, I got back. He wants to like go seek professional help to kind of work through things. So is this like, are you still riding high? A little bit on on it?

So 00:44
Yeah, no, but yeah, it was. Honestly, very unexpected. And you’re literally right, a day ago, pretty well. So. Yeah.

Chris Seiter 00:55
Okay. So I mean, why don’t we go back to the dark times? Can you can you kind of take us through the play by play of the breakup and how that went down? And everything that kind of led up to this point?

So 01:11
Yeah, so it was Oh, my God, like, honestly, reality TV drama, almost the Ricoh it was, it was a border poll, a lot of things. A lot of it was just arguments, not even getting a relationship. It got to a point where my partner was unemployed for a couple of weeks. And obviously, finances not a great topic for you know, potentially relationships that are breaking down, you got into that topic. And it was just explosive, and just kind of walked away from that. And that was back October 2022. So that was quite a while ago. That was all going on. So yeah, that did mean that like for majority, I think of like Christmas time and everything. It was just first Christmas without him, which was very weird. But

Chris Seiter 02:04
How long had you been together before that point?

So 02:06
Three and a half years.

Chris Seiter 02:10
Okay, so And how old? Are you?

So 02:14
So I’m 2222.

Chris Seiter 02:15
So, like, was he like your first serious boyfriend? Yes, yes. So so that first Christmas apart must have been really, really difficult.

So 02:29
Yeah, yeah. I mean, I just yeah, it was not a great point. I mean, luckily, obviously, you have family around me. So that was pretty nice. But yeah, it just felt so weird. Cuz another factor was our family’s live, like five minutes away, driving time. So it was just kind of knowing the fact that he was so close five, but obviously, you know, we’re not in contact. And that’s the breakups happen. So it’s this kind of single family thing.

Chris Seiter 02:59
Yeah. So he initiates the breakup. What does he actually say during that conversation? How does he do it?

So 03:08
Um, yeah, so that was very spur of the moment. It was very much we got into an argument about finances and how it’s not marrying up. And it got to a point where he literally talked me out of the house, because we were living together and he was just like, pack of things and go, and I was like, Oh,

Chris Seiter 03:28
right. Oh, man.

So 03:31
I mean, obviously a lot more upset. I was, yeah, it’s kind of tearing up. I was like, Okay, I got my sister’s picked me up and just

Chris Seiter 03:38
Batman. So alright, so you guys have this argument about finances, which obviously, is such a huge stress for not just, you know, like a young couple, but even like married couples, and you know, that, that, that almost always seems to be a huge, huge point of contention. So anyways, you’re kicked out of the house, your sister picks you up? What happens next? Do you immediately start thinking like I want to back or is it more of just a grieving period before you get there?

So 04:10
Um, so for that, yeah, for me, it was a grieving period because it was so another thing, it was my first kind of proper relationship as well. So it was kind of understanding where my headspace was that and kind of experiencing actually kind of always being single for like, the first time in quite quite a while. But yeah, my headspace was definitely just kind of like just keep away focus on yourself. Focus on friends and family and just Yeah, hold your head above the water as best you can.

Chris Seiter 04:44
I imagine that must have been really difficult, though. To do that. Did you have any like big setbacks?

So 04:51
Um, yeah. So I mean, I wasn’t. I think the setback for me was that the house you were in was actually over. by his dad. So it meant I had to be back with my parents, like, time. That was kind of a setback conspicious obviously, not particularly one thing that I think it’s also just, for me, it was just kind of privacy in the sense of like, I want to grieve. But obviously, you know, parents as much as I love them, they kind of want to pry. So your cadence is like I am, but I just need this time to grieve myself and just get out of my system. Yeah, there was a lot of days of like crying and like Ben and Jerry’s ice cream watching movies.

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Chris Seiter 05:36
All right, we did the whole Netflix thing. So what point do you I’m assuming? So you mentioned to me off off air that you you listen to the podcast? Is that was that like, your entrance into our community in our space? Or was it mostly just like a Google search that that led you?

So 06:03
It was a bit of both. It was a bit like I was listening to the podcast, and also some days by you do I do the whole like, Oh, I really wouldn’t back and kind of Google search it. But I think in both those times, I was trying to be as hard as it was, I was trying to be kind of logical and say like, just take a step back, see how you’re feeling. And if you want to do this, do this, but do it for yourself. Not for like anything else, do it? Because you’re nervous, right? And that’s something you really want. And I listen to the podcast really helped with that kind of understanding my mindset and kind of initially being like, Yeah, I do want this. And I think it’s something that we could work through. Kind of

Chris Seiter 06:51
so so basically, you’re listening to the podcast every once in a while you’re kind of doing the Google search thing. Do you have any idea of like how long that went on? Before you were like, Okay, I actually want to give this my all.

So 07:06
So there, I was kind of initially searching, I probably should preface this by saying this was a very long process. So in terms of Christmas time, December, when all of that was happening. It was back in January this year that he got back in contact, and was like, Hey, let’s have a relationship again. And I was like, at this point, I think I’d signed up to the course I looked through kind of a few of the classes by hopefully, like gone right into it. So I was, at that point, I probably I probably should have been like, let’s just, like, slow it. But I was just like, Yeah, I’m ready. Let’s go on in. And

Chris Seiter 07:53
oh, my God, this is like, wow, this was easy. I didn’t have to do anything. He comes back. And I’m assuming it does not end well.

So 08:00
No, no, no. So it was quite a weird one. It was He wants you to change the relationship dynamics. We know from relationship. The person that he was kind of in this other relationship with didn’t want to know for relationship. I made that very clear. And that is some awkward times where essentially, he definitely for her.

Chris Seiter 08:27
Oh, did you find this after the fact? Did you find this out after the fact?

So 08:33
Yeah, so it was it was a weird one where I have a kind of inclination. And yeah, he just just outright he said to me, Oh, I’m leaving you for her. And I was like, wow,

Chris Seiter 08:48
my gosh, okay, so So let me get this straight. He breaks up with you in before Christmas, last year. You’re grieving. You’re kind of like in and out of the podcast. At some point, you sign up for the program, like right after you sign up for the program, boom, like a bolt from the blue. He comes out and he’s like, Hey, let’s get back together. And you think like, oh, yeah, absolutely. But then he drops another bombshell which is saying like, hey, I want an open relationship. And then you’re like, No, I do not want an open relationship. And then he leaves you for some other girl who is willing to do an open relationship. Yeah. Yeah, I literally cannot say I’ve ever interviewed anyone with that situation before. Your first.

So 09:37
It was weird. I mean, I met the other person and we like kind of hang out this was for it was started to be a thing. And there was a whole phase where my ex boyfriend at a point was just like, yeah, that’s all kind of get involved in those sorts of things together. Which Oh, don’t don’t ever do this. But I was restarted to kind of casual thing. And it just ended very badly. And the other person made it very clear that they just wanted my ex boyfriend for themselves. And I was just like, well, that’s not how relationships work. Got it. And it was the whole thing of just.

Chris Seiter 10:24
So there’s this other, there’s this other woman involved. Yeah. And he basically leaves you for her. Now, obviously, you’re kind of doubly you know, you’ve been kicked to the curb one time now you’ve been literally kicked to the curb again, but he’s also with this other woman. How do you cope with that?

So 10:49
Um, I, this is where I just I use the whole no contact thing I just witnessed like, right? I’m, I’m not why didn’t say this. But in my head, I was just like, I’m not going anywhere near you. And I’m not going anywhere near you. Yeah, I guess. And that was it was another car for here. It was a lot of things. When that whole dynamic started. And it was going well. I made the decision to say I don’t want it with my parents. But I obviously I can’t live with you. So how about we live in the cities that kind of together, and I live, still do 20 minutes away in a different house. And a week after it helped me move in was when he drops the bomb just out of? I’m leaving it for this other woman. So which was

Chris Seiter 11:37
like helping you financially to get that place?

So 11:41
No, no, it was literally just helping me move my furniture, things up. So

Chris Seiter 11:48
you’re independent enough to where you’re not having to rely money wise on him. But obviously, now you’re devastated because you just moved to be near him. And now he’s kicked you to the curb again. Okay, so obviously you do no contact, you’re like, I’m not going near you. I’m not going near you. What are you doing during that no contact to kind of help cope.

So 12:15
Oh, um, so I know myself very busy. I signed up to all these meetup groups. It’s a thing we have, I’m not sure if it’s in the States. It’s a UK kind of app where you can go to local groups that have a similar interest. So I was going to like kind of meeting up with people who have like minded interests, like Dungeon and Dragons, or just like meeting restaurants. I started going to the gym, I started therapy. And just trying to do all the things that keep you busy. I’m just focusing on my career at the time. And just getting out of my mind.

Chris Seiter 12:51
Yeah, so, so. So you did the No Contact? Did you ever have like an end date? Like, you know, usually we have like those three timeframes. 2130 45 Did you ever have like a specific end date on how long the no contact was gonna last?

So 13:04
Yes. See, this is where I tend to look like a very bad student. And I wasn’t very bad student at that point. Okay.

Chris Seiter 13:14
In my experience, most students that I’ve coached are not good stuff. It’s, they don’t, they don’t stick to the no contact. So good. But anyways, go ahead.

So 13:23
So it was an going back to the fax that it was I think, end of March, but he said I’m going live the other one. I did that no contacts about three to four times last thing about 30 days.

Chris Seiter 13:41
Okay. Last 30 days. Sorry. Did you actually last 30 days you did it like three or four times? So it’d be 30 days reach out? That didn’t work. 30 days reach out? Oh, that didn’t work like that.

So 13:57
There was a specific reason why it’s time that it never works. And I had to restart the no contacts. Okay, which was, you see,

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Chris Seiter 14:11
I’m getting worried.

So 14:13
I did the whole thing which you say you should have which you really, really should earn, actually at all. And so I start with my axe.

Chris Seiter 14:22
Like each of those times. Yeah. Well, hey, you got it. This is okay. All right. So it was very,

So 14:31
um, I think this was also the time where I just started therapy. I was working through some things and I think mentally I was just kind of I was listening to classes, but obviously not fully taking it on being like, no, it’s fine. So good. And then being like, oh, no, no, it’s really not.

Chris Seiter 14:54
Okay, so you’ve broken the no contact, so it’d be 30 days. And then you would reach out, was there was it like an immediate like reach out, then you would sleep together? And then you’d be like, Oh, no, I need to go back into no contact or was there like a little bit of a grace period where there was like some attraction being built?

So 15:13
There was actually so I think this is the second or third time that I think it’s the third time where he was actually like, oh, that’s like, that’s our relationship again. And I was like, we’re okay. Potentially. Why don’t we? Okay, let’s like, text, let’s, let’s do it that way. Let’s take it take it slow. And we started off that with the whole kind of like texting phone calls going on dates, kind of building up like a value ladder or something. I’m sorry, I’m getting totally wrong. Yeah. And two weeks afterwards, he was just like, actually, no, no, I don’t want to be in a relationship.

Chris Seiter 16:00
So what does that do to you? Because it’s like, you’re getting this hope. And then it’s being pulled out from under you? Like, How are you coping with that? Like, mentally I feel like that has to be difficult because like, you sleep with them, you feel like you have this hope. It feels like oh, hey, I got it back again. He wants to try the relationship. And then boom, third time now he’s saying like, Ah, no, I’m not feeling not feeling that anymore.

So 16:29
Very bad. I was, yeah, a lot of nights. But I was just very much like crying, very depressed. Very, doing the whole kind of repeated, I’ll go, I would like route with my friends, we’d go walk. So we’d meet up. And it was the same story. And it was it was them being like, Sophie, you’ve just you’ve got to focus on yourself. Like, really just got to do your own thing. And just focus on going to the gym, go to therapy, focus on your career, and just put it out of your mind because it’s just, it’s not good. It’s not mentally, and emotionally, we can feel broken down.

Chris Seiter 17:08
It seems to me like you’re caught in this, almost like this negative feedback loop where you get like this hope you get back together. He sleeps with you, then he discards you, and then you kind of like go through the whole cycle again. And again. So at what point did does that like stop? Like, like, or is it like about holding boundaries for you? Like when? When did when does things turn into a more meaningful thing?

So 17:36
So I think it was when the whole Alessia relationship lasted for two weeks. And it was I actually know, at that point, I was like, Okay, I just completely went cold turkey, no contact, no explanation. And just focus on my thanks. I was like, I can’t, you’ve done this so many times that I just don’t have the energy to deal with this. And I’m not going to deal with error. So, goodbye. Yeah.

Chris Seiter 18:08
So you basically decide, all right, I’m going all in on this no contact, but he’s not getting a warning. This time. Were you wanting him prior to that?

So 18:17
Like, Hey, I was never wanting, which was, which was weird to me. That had a very weird thing of every two to three weeks, he would be would like start a conversation. And it’d be very every time two to three weeks.

Chris Seiter 18:35
Yeah, so the you know, if if we were in a coaching session, I think I think I would say is like that sounds like very fearful avoidant response. So like, you know, they’re they have both of those core wounds, anxious and avoidant. You give them the space by the No Contact Rule. And they’re avoidant side kind of likes that at first, but then over over time, that anxious side begins to take hold, and they can’t contain themselves and they reach out. So he’s like a consistent practice. I think that may have been what’s happening also, one of the interesting things about fearful avoidance is they tend to have very rocky relationship histories. They also tend to jump from person to person, they do kind of do open relationship type things. So he’s sort of checking some of the boxes here. I never asked throughout this period, what happened with the other woman? Did she discard him? Like what what’s what’s the lowdown there?

So 19:36
Um, so yeah, that was so at that point. We were kind of so let me go back. So yes, that was we were in a casual relationship was the other woman and then up for her. At that point, I blocked her I blocked him. Yeah, so she very much was was was like blowing up his phone being very active. Sorry. Yeah. I think after a couple of weeks, the end of things, not after, she called me up, kind of accusing me of potentially going going out with him to a club, which I wasn’t I was just out with friends, but it was on my Instagram. And she didn’t know that. And where apparently she was kissing other women at a club. And I was just on the phone like, I look, I can’t help you if you need to talk to him talk for him, but I’m not involved in this. And then for the books on America’s Yeah, I did.

Chris Seiter 20:40
Let that anxious energy come through. But also it’s interesting. Your ex is almost like volatile and how he’s handling his grief of the breakup. So he’s with you for three, three and a half years before the initial breakup. And it seems to me like he’s not coping with the breakup very well. Like he’s trying to grasp at things that will distract it, you know, him from feeling the grief. You know, there’s the other woman, obviously, but he still kind of keeps coming back to you like, you’re the one consistent touch point. And that, okay, so I’m just kind of like, like, trying to grasp all the puzzle pieces here. I feel like what’s what, what makes a difference for you as you started holding your boundaries? So like, you know, it’s like, clearly once you call me twice, yeah, for me three times. Yeah. Not the fourth time. That’s it. You know, you stick the boundary. And what starts happening when you start doing that?

So 21:42
Yeah, he does a whole thing. He starts like, kind of sending me texts, hawks texting me. They are like, Hey, you up by what’s going on? Again, shy, ignored. Like, there was like miss calls, which, yeah, just ignoring it. Yes, it’s does a whole thing of just starting to blow up my phone through that. Which made it actually a lot more difficult because of all those kind of no contact periods. He hadn’t basically done anything, and then just had the whole thing of like, oh, that’s like exchange items. That’s meetup and then one thing led to another, which again, shouldn’t do. But this Yeah, this time, it was funny blowing up my phone. I just, I was just like, I just have to ignore this. So that was really, really difficult.

Chris Seiter 22:33
So did you have a set? Was this for you like an indefinite period of no contact? Do you have a set endpoint this this last? No contact that you did?

So 22:43
I think the start when I was trying to make it 45 days, I think it’s just because after the whole 30 days, not working, I was like, Okay, let’s make it even tougher. Let’s do 45 days, and that’s really just focus on you and not him and just, yeah.

Chris Seiter 22:59
Okay, so, did you end up making it the 45 days?

So 23:04
I made it to 35. And that’s

Chris Seiter 23:07
more than 30 You know? Alright, so what happens with day 35?

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So 23:12
Day? 35? Okay, so this goes back? Quite a lot. there a reason why no contact sign? unsuccessful? Um, I think that is when that’s when he basically was just like, I are wanting relationship with you. But not yet. Oh, oh, right. Could you elaborate? And he was basically saying, Yeah, I just don’t think I’ve mentally dealt with this breakup very well. I don’t think I fully processed the fact that, you know, like, I broke up with you, you could be leaving. So there was a phase where I potentially was going to university this September. And it was, I think it’s just actually got to me that you’re going to university, I’m not going to see you. You’re actually going to be gone from my life. That’s really true. And it’s me and I just need to work through this. And I was like, interesting. Yeah. Yeah, it’s surprising because very much thought he would just turn around being like, oh, let’s just be that was his that was his whole go to was, Let’s just be friends. But can we be friends with benefits because those are working through the breakup?

Chris Seiter 24:42
Okay, that was done the previous versions of No Contact. This was a little different, where he’s starting to admit like, I don’t know how to cope without you. Like, I might lose you forever.

So 24:59
Yeah, I think goes actually hitting him that. Yeah, I could potentially I could be like gone. And I was like, and that was when I hit the boundary of like, I’m, I’m not going to be friends with benefits. That’s not what I want. And I don’t think it’s good for both of us working through this breakups to do that. That’s just not healthy for both of us. And we can’t. But past that just keeps happening. Yeah.

Chris Seiter 25:28
Yeah. Yeah. So you start setting the boundary, how do things progress after this date? 35. No contact where he seems like he’s starting to MIT like, this is the real reason for why I’m like struggling.

So 25:46
I’m completely ghost. He says that we have that conversation. Because I think he pointed that in person. Yeah. And just never met with each other. I think for like, a week or two. I just completely like nothing. No, like sending me tech talks or any messages. Yeah. Okay. is completely off the radar. So yeah, so which I was just like, Okay, well, then I’ll just do my own thing. I’ll just leave you to it. Because I think it was just pulling back because he was like, so vulnerable, and was just don’t want to talk about it more. But yeah, just very, very much mixed signals that I just really was very.

Chris Seiter 26:32
Yeah. Yeah. So what, at what point does he start to come out of his shell?

So 26:39
So this was actually yeah, this was kind of recently, I think about Yeah, we can go where he saw it’s kind of like, Oh, yeah. Can we can we talk? Can we talk in person about everything? And that’s when he kind of says about, oh, I actually think I want to be in a relationship. And almost kind of says, I’m actually not sure if you bought me. And this has to be and I’m just like, sorry. It’s like, I don’t think you want me. I don’t think you’d want a person who’s done all of this. I was like, oh, so that is the reason you’re actually guilt? Guilt? Yeah. Yeah, so it’s like, Hmm, interesting to

Chris Seiter 27:28
see how he asks for you back.

So 27:31
It was yeah, it was kind of a weird one where I think he was trying to ask me back, but also kind of go through the reasons of why he wasn’t sure. I think he was trying to kind of understand where I was, where my mindset was out before potentially asking because he’s not. He’s not great with like, variabilities, which is the way that that kind of conversation happens of that’s the real mindset. And then also, it’s the same as fine then I’ll say, which, yeah, phone conversation of just, oh, I didn’t think he’d want me. I think I I think I’ve been acting crazy. Honestly, I calmly I’ve done all of this. And you’re is still here? And like, do you want to be with me? And artists like, wow, okay, we’re really, really getting into it here. Right. Which kind of caught me off guard a bit. But I just literally flat out looks at him and was just like, yeah, I worked. And he was like, right. Great. I would too. And I was like, right. It’s a very old one, where it’s say they seem to kind of avoid talking about the feelings, then also, what used to be very upfront and honest. I think that was a difficulty.

Chris Seiter 28:54
I mean, I guess my take on it is he’s trying to hedge his bets to where, before he becomes fully vulnerable, he wants to make sure that you’re not going to reject Him. So that’s, I think that’s what those probing questions are like, you know, why would you want me that’s like a way of him soothing himself to try to get you to like, say, like, oh, no, I do want you. Did you like I’m curious, did you actually sue them in that way? Or did you just kind of like, let them lie on the hook for a bit?

So 29:22
That was so there was a little bit of lying on the hook. So when it was kind of good, though. So there was like a conversation we had beforehand of like, potentially going into relationship then he went cold turkey. And at that point, I did the whole thing of like, right. If that’s the case, then I’m going to start going on going on dates and doing things and just not posting everything but some of it on my social media just to see how things are. And lo and behold, all his friends are watching my stories like Looking at my posts, liking my posts, and I’m just saying like, Okay, right? You’ve never liked my posts before at all, who’ve never looked at my stories at all before. Interesting. And then a week later, he’s just like, oh, yeah, can we talk? Okay. I think that was the time, but he was just like, yeah, I, you know, started seeing you with other guys. And I don’t, I don’t want to do that. And I was like, well, we’ve broken up you. You can’t do anything like that. Is that Well, no, but I actually do want to be with you. Ah, okay.

Chris Seiter 30:50
Okay, fear of loss aspect really worked on him.

So 30:56
I think it’s just because which, which was, I think he kind of knew this from we were kind of doing the whole, no contacts, and then stuff happens is I kind of had an inclination that I wasn’t moving on. And I think he was just like, Oh, she’s not moving on. It’s fine. She’s there for me. I don’t have anything to lose. And I was like, No, I’m actually like, fully moving on. Like, I’m going on dates. I’m talking to other people. I think that’s when it really hit him like, oh, like she’s actually gone, gone.

Chris Seiter 31:31
Yeah, I guess it’s like the question of steaks. Like there’s no stakes involved, if they think you’re just going to wait around forever. And I guess that’s the pattern that had been established by you sleeping with him, each of those no contact rules. Like he’s always in the back of his mind saying, yeah, like, Yeah, but, you know, I can always get her. And I think when you actually hold the boundary, or at least create the stakes of like, Oh, I could lose her. She looks like she’s actually moving on. That’s when it that’s when it triggers but I guess my main question for you is, what makes you think this go around is different? Like what’s, what’s the big difference other than the boundary holding in the whole fear of loss thing we just talked about? What for you stands out about this go around? The big difference? So yeah, actually, like, talk to me about getting professional help with a therapist to talk about the breakups or work through things to see if we’re compatible. That is something he’s never, he kind of also already wants to go to couples counseling together. And I was like, oh, maybe that kind of brushed it off as like, oh, but you know, we’re broken up. Maybe it’s just to get through things. Whereas this time, he was like, No, I want professional help. I want to talk to the breakup, I want to make this relationship stronger. And I was like, wow, okay. And actually really wanting that, and even saying, Oh, before we go to relationship, I want a couple of long conversations where we go through literally everything. And I was like, okay, all right. Wow. Yeah, you should, you should have moved on quicker than it would have sped the whole process up. Yeah. But yeah, it was good to see kind of bite taking that kind of responsibility in actually having kind of maturities to think, oh, yeah, let’s do this. And again, it was just surprising because it’s just from his previous actions, it was hard to understand. Like, where he where he was at, in terms of like, the relationship and then he said that and I was like, Okay, that’s a bit of a turnaround, like, what makes you think that and he was just like, well, I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want you to I want to be in a relationship with you. And I think it’s taken me this long to read eyes. Mm hmm. So when you look back at your entire experience throughout this very rocky up and down roller coaster process, what really stands out to you as being some of the most important tactics that you employ that got you to the success

So 34:17
got reached? Okay. No contacts. And actually doing that kind of successfully on the fourth time? No, see, yeah, the No Contact is very helpful. Just kind of focusing more on like focusing more on yourself on just like friends, family, gym, therapy, hobbies, whatever, just focus on your own thing. And just kind of increasing that part of you and not tying everything to your like, boyfriend. I think that was the mentality I had to really switch up. And that was really helpful. I think also just kind of going through your classes and oh my gosh, the Facebook bulk like a lot Facebook and Mobile community. Yeah, it was so helpful. Yeah, the amount of times I was posting in there being like, oh my gosh, my ex is calling me and they’re just like,

Chris Seiter 35:09
Don’t contact don’t go on.

So 35:13
Yeah, that was so nice. And just to like, see people who are kind of in similar situations and how they figured out. Yeah.

Chris Seiter 35:23
Yeah. Okay. I mean, I would argue the, I guess this will be the final, the final thoughts before we end here. But I think when I look at your situation, you tried the No Contact Rule, essentially, four times. But I would argue that the difference is the fourth time you actually got to the essence of what makes it work. And that has outgrown your acts like you put forth those signals. Like I feel like maybe you were doing a little bit of the Holy Trinity stuff in the failed the failed. And I put that in quotes, no contact rule, because you kind of like got him back. I mean, you slept with them. And then you had to go back into the no contact, but I feel like you were doing some of that Holy Trinity stuff. But maybe the thing that wasn’t present was the outgrowth mindset. Like, I don’t feel like it was until he started seeing you out with other people, or I think the university thing created a really nice clock that works in your advantage, because now it’s like, oh, wow, I could like lose like, it’s it’s happening. She’s going to this university. I think that all plays into that, bringing him to the table thing. So that’s my take on what really worked. Obviously, you were better at having the boundaries by the fourth, the fourth time of no contact. And you also made it a little bit longer in that period of no contact, which I think also exacerbated his stress, because he does seem to have some anxious tendencies throughout. But yeah, this was a really interesting success story. Thank you so much for coming on and doing this

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