It seems pretty simple doesn’t it?
Since the beginning of time there has been one thing that almost all relationship experts agree on,
Being clingy or needy is a complete turn off to men.
Before you entered into a relationship with your ex boyfriend you knew that deep down being clingy and needy was probably going to be a turn off to him but as you developed a deeper connection with him you couldn’t help yourself.
You just wanted to talk to him all day every day…
You wanted to hear his voice before you went to bed…
You wanted to know what he was up to throughout the day…
You didn’t really want him talking to any other girl that wasn’t you…
Essentially you wanted his entire life to revolve around you…
They say that love makes people do crazy things. This fact was evidenced when I opened up my Facebook Page one afternoon and saw this meme posted by one of my subscribers,
Now, I am not insinuating that you approached anything close to this when you broke up with your ex boyfriend I am just saying that I know what it’s like to be in love and I know that sometimes it can make you do some clingy or needy things.
In this guide I am going to be talking about how you can recover from these clingy or needy things that occurred in your relationship with your ex. Essentially, what I am shooting for here is a way to wipe your slate clean with your ex so that you can give yourself the best shot of getting him back.
The Positives & Negatives Of Being Clingy
I bet you weren’t expecting me to say that being clingy can have a positive aspect to it, huh?
As it turns out there is a way in which being clingy and needy can be an attractive thing to men. In this section I am going to talk a little about that but I will also be giving you the low down on all the negatives that go along with being clingy and needy.
So, if you have ever wondered what kinds of things a stage 5 clinger does to turn off a man then the section entitled, The Negatives Of Being Clingy, is going to be especially interesting to you.
First though, lets talk about the rarely talked about positive aspects of being needy.
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The Positives Of Being Clingy
Whenever you do research on women who are clingy or overly needy you often hear experts scolding them for that type of behavior. You actually never hear about the positives that go along with being clingy or needy. You see, as a man I can tell you that, as weird as this is going to sound, I like a woman to be a little clingy or needy.
Wait, WHAT????
The keyword there is “a little.”
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Take the quizHear me out for a second.
To me if a girl gets a little clingy it means she really has strong feelings for me and I like that. I want my woman to care about me on a level so deep that no one else can compare. I want her to want me to be the last person she talks to before she goes to bed. I want her to think about me constantly throughout the day.
Essentially, I want to be the most important person in her life.
Is that selfish of me?
Probably…
Do I care?
Not really…
Let me put it to you like this.
Whenever a girl exhibits clingy behavior like jealousy, constantly wanting to be around me and texting me a lot I kind of like it. To me it is these things that tell me she really cares about me.
I just gave you three little examples of clingy behavior that I said I liked, right?
What were they?
- A little jealousy.
- Wanting to be around me all the time.
- Texting me a lot.
Ok, now I want to make a little tweak regarding these three examples.
What is the tweak?
I want to tell you about what a girl can do to all of a sudden make those cute little clingy behaviors into overly clingy to the point where it becomes a turn off.
One thing we have already established about me and most other men is that we like needy behavior but only to a certain extent.
Lets pretend that you and I are dating and at the beginning of the relationship you would exhibit the three clingy behaviors I mentioned above. Well, at the beginning I found it kind of cute. I liked the fact that you got a little jealous because it meant you cared. I liked that you wanted to be around me all the time and I also liked that you texted me a lot.
Of course, as time went on I began to notice a gradual change in the intensity of these behaviors.
For example, any time you would get jealous you would get jealous to the point where you would start a huge argument and you wouldn’t trust me about anything. In fact, your jealousy got so bad that at one point you literally forbade me to talk to anyone of the opposite sex.
You also became so clingy to the point where any time I would go into a room you would have to follow me in there. You know how your shadow follows you around everywhere? Well, you essentially became my new shadow.
The reason = “I couldn’t bear to be away from you even in a different room.”
Ah, and now we get to the texting.
You see, at the beginning of our relationship we had a nice 1:1 text ratio going. This means that we were completely even when texting each other.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quiz- You text
- I text
- You text
- I text
Of course, as our relationship grew deeper the texting ratio changed completely to a 3:1 ratio. This means that for every one text I would send you would send three in return. On top of that you would literally get angry if I wouldn’t respond immediately to your texts.
Do you see the difference between positive neediness as opposed to negative neediness?
Speaking of negative neediness lets talk a look at some of those qualities.
The Negatives Of Being Clingy
You have an incredible advantage over almost every other woman searching the internet.
You see, when most women search the internet for advice on clingy behavior most experts list out all the needy behaviors that you need to avoid but almost none of them do a good job of explaining WHY you need to avoid them. It is rare to find someone who will explain why men react badly to clingy behavior but I am going to because I am a man and I know how I would react if someone got overly needy.
I suppose we can start with a common clingy behavior, text gnatting.
Clingy Behavior 1- Text Gnat
A lot of you are already familiar with the term I coined called a “text gnat.”
If you aren’t familiar with it then allow me to take a moment to educate you on it.
Imagine for a moment that you are walking down the street and all of a sudden you hear this buzzing around your head. You look around and discover that a bunch of gnats are following you around. No matter how many times you swat at them they still stay put. No matter how fast you run they still seem to follow. It’s like no matter what you do you can’t seem to shake these annoying bugs.
It is entirely possible that this is how your ex boyfriend viewed you in your relationship if you were too overbearing with how you texted him.
Above I mentioned how an ideal texting ratio between a couple should be 1:1.
Meaning their text messages should look something like this,
Notice how this string of text messages follows the classic 1:1 text ratio meaning,
- One person texts
- The other person responds
- One person texts
- The other person responds
One of the best ways to determine if you were a text gnat or not is to look at your last 100 text messages between you and your ex.
If the ratio is close to 50:50 (it can be a little off here or there but has to be close) then that means that you are doing well to stand by that 1:1 ratio.
If for example, the texting ratio ends up being something like 70:30 where you have sent him 70 text messages and he has only responded to 30 of those text messages then that probably means you are venturing into text gnat territory where you are becoming kind of overbearing.
Why Being A Text Gnat Annoys Men
One word,
Desperation
Someone who is a text gnat screams desperation and no guy wants a serious relationship with a woman who is desperate. They want a serious relationship with a woman who is confident enough to know that she actively chose to be with a guy.
Have I ever been text gnatted before?
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In fact, I remember a long time ago there was one girl who had such a crush on me that she would text gnat the heck out of me. Now, I don’t really like hurting anyone’s feelings so I didn’t have the guts to tell her that I didn’t like her “in that way.” So, when she would text me I simply wouldn’t respond hoping she would get the hint.
She didn’t…
She kept texting me to the point where it really started annoying me and I eventually had to say something to her.
Why was her gnatting such a turn off to me?
Because she seemed totally desperate and if I am going to be attracted to anyone it was going to be a woman who is smart, independent and NOT desperate.
Clingy Behavior 2- Extreme Jealousy
I personally believe that a little jealousy is good in every relationship.
Why?
Because it shows how much you care about each other. Of course, jealousy can become very dangerous if it starts to develop on an extreme level.
What do I mean by “extreme level?”
I suppose a role playing example would be best to illustrate this.
Lets say that you and I are currently in the middle of a relationship. As our relationship wears on I begin to notice that you get jealous any time I mention another girl.
“Hey, my friend Tina texted me today and told me that she is hosting a party and she wanted us to come.”
Now, a normal girlfriend should be excited about the prospect of going to a party with her boyfriend.
You, however, aren’t a normal girlfriend. No, you are the insecure controlling type (not really hopefully.)
Instead of being excited about the party you get angry at me for texting another girl and accuse me of cheating.
“Who is this Tina? How did you meet her? When was the last time you saw her? Are you cheating on me?”
“Tina is an old friend (a married mother of two.) I met her through work. I haven’t seen her in years and no, I am not cheating on you.”
My answers aren’t good enough for you though.
You become so threatened by Tina that you forbid me to ever text another girl for the rest of my life. In fact, if you ever catch me texting another girl throughout our relationship you threaten to break up with me.
Wow…
You are psycho.
Why Extreme Jealousy Annoys Men
In my opinion, extreme jealousy has a direct correlation to a woman trying to control a man and nothing annoys a man more than a woman who tries to control him.
Look, we chose to be in a relationship with you. We chose to become exclusive with you. However, that doesn’t give you the right to try to control us. If you show us a little trust it can go a long way.
Nothing says,
“I don’t trust you”
like extreme jealousy/controlling does.
Clingy Behavior 3- Shadowing
I have only heard of one example of shadowing in my personal life but I have heard of multiple examples through this site which is why I know it exists.
So, what is shadowing?
Shadowing- Becoming so dependent on another human being that you have to be around them all the time. In some cases it is so extreme that you can’t even let them leave a room without you going by their side. It is an extreme form of being controlling.
If you are still a little confused when it comes to this concept don’t feel bad, it is a little complicated to grasp.
Perhaps it would be best if I used the example from my personal life to illustrate.
When I was in high school a very long time ago I knew a guy that would get angry at his girlfriend for the dumbest things. I remember he once told me that when he was over at her house she left the room without him.
When I heard this I was baffled at why he would have to accompany her if she simply wanted to leave the room.
Me: “Was she leaving you alone in her house permanently or something?”
Him: “No, she just wanted to get a drink in the other room.”
Me: “Are you kidding me?”
Him: “She should have asked my permission to leave the room.”
Me: “Why? It’s her house not yours?”
Him: “She is my girlfriend. It’s disrespectful.”
What we have here is a case of someone who is so insecure that he wouldn’t even let his girlfriend leave the room without him. Look, I get being so in love with someone that you hate it when you are apart. However, if you have become so clingy or controlling that you literally have to go with them from room to room then that is a big issue.
Of course, that example was an extreme form of shadowing.
Some of the more common forms of shadowing I have seen is the classic invasion of alone time.
Look, sometimes men need their alone time where you aren’t constantly badgering them with questions or the latest drama that went on at work. We need time to recharge sometimes before we can consume everything you want us to consume.
Oh, and when a guy tells you that he wants to hang out with his friends don’t get angry if he doesn’t invite you. If you feel the need to accompany him everywhere he goes then that is a form of shadowing and he isn’t going to appreciate it.
Why Shadowing Annoys Men
Do you know what the definition of a stalker is?
Stalker- a person who harasses someone with unwanted and obsessive attention
Every time you “shadowed” your boyfriend in your relationship you were technically a stalker.
Think about it, if your ex wanted to have a guys night out with his friends but you insisted on tagging along you were harassing him with unwanted attention which is technically the same behavior a stalker engages in.
If you were so insecure that you couldn’t even let him have an hour on his own to recharge his batteries then you are technically defined as a talker.
In other words,
Shadowing = Stalking
Oh, and the last time I checked no one likes stalkers.
Clingy Behavior 4- Controlling
I deal with a lot of failed relationships every day.
That means that every day whenever I read your comments on this site I can kind of get bummed out because, to me, it sometimes feels as if all I see are failed relationships. Lately, in an effort to change this I have been reading up a lot about the most successful relationships so I can get some positivity back in my life which in turn will help me give out better advice.
You want to know what I am learning about successful relationships?
Neither person involved in the relationship tries to control the other person. Rather they work together as a team to discuss their issues.
It baffles me to this day why some women feel the need to control their boyfriends.
Look, I want you to get something through your head.
You cannot control another human being. It is impossible.
The only way that you could ever try to control another human being is if you had developed some type of superpower like “mind control” but since no one in the history of the world has ever developed a power like that I am afraid you are out of luck.
Why Controlling Behavior Annoys Men
I think it’s best if I use myself as an example here.
The thing about me is that I am the most loyal man you will ever meet. Whenever I am in a relationship with someone I don’t let anyone threaten that relationship.
For example, if you and I were dating and one of your friends texted that she wanted to hang out with me (when you weren’t around) I would respond like this,
In other words, I am basically saying that the only time I would hang around other girls is if my girlfriend (you in this imaginary case) was there. I feel this is an extremely rare quality in men now-a-days and it also says a lot about my character.
So, lets pretend that you are really insecure about other girls around me, even though I have proven to you multiple times that I am the most trustworthy man on the planet.
In fact, you have become so insecure about other women that you constantly try to control me and basically order me to never talk to any of them ever again.
This is going to annoy me on a lot of different levels because not only are you essentially saying that you don’t trust me but I also feel I have been completely loyal to you and you don’t appreciate that at all. Not to mention you are trying to control me and no man likes being controlled.
In fact, most of the time by you controlling a man you push him to do the behavior you don’t want him to in the first place.
How Do You Save Face With Your Ex If You Were Clingy?
Now that you have a pretty good idea of what clingy behavior is and why it annoys men lets take a look at what you are going to have to do in order to overcome that clingy behavior to have a chance at getting your ex boyfriend back.
Many of you are aware that I am a fan of putting graphics together for this site. Well, below you will find a graphic that i put together that will teach you how to overcome his reservations about taking you back because of your clingy nature.
As you can see I have divided the process up into four separate parts,
- Understanding how you are perceived.
- Giving him time.
- Reclaiming your identity.
- The new you.
Now, before I get started on explaining what I mean by these four pillars I feel it is very important to discuss the point of what we are trying to accomplish here.
One thing we already know is that you want your ex boyfriend back. However, it doesn’t look like that is going to happen since you were way too clingy. Well, in order to have a chance at winning him back you are first going to have to overcome his impression of you (he thinks you are clingy.)
The point of this section is to show you what you have to do in order to achieve that goal.
Oh, and don’t worry, once I show you how you can do that I will guide through every step of the actual “getting him back” process.
For now, lets get cracking on these four pillars.
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Pillar 1- Understanding How You Are Perceived
If the main goal that we are trying to accomplish here is overcoming your exes impression of you then it is probably a really good idea to figure out what that impression is.
For example, if you and I dated each other and I was constantly telling you how I hated the fact that you were always trying to control me then you would know that the clingy behavior that you would really have to work on is to NOT be controlling.
In other words, what we are trying to do here is to figure out what behaviors you exhibited that needs to change for you to even have a shot of getting him back.
How are you supposed to figure this out?
Well, a little empathy can certainly help but there is actually a better way.
I want you to think back to your fights and arguments with your ex. You see, if there is one thing I have learned over the years it’s that anger has a way of extracting the thoughts you have that you know you shouldn’t really say. So, when you think back to you and your exes fights what was it about you that he was complaining about that could be classified as clingy.
(Disclaimer- We are only looking for clingy behavior here. Anything ridiculous that he complained about that isn’t clingy you shouldn’t change.)
Using a personal example from my own life I can think of one off the top of my head.
While I never actually was in a relationship with this person (I never even went a date with her actually) she exhibited some super clingy behavior from the get go that made me immediately want to not talk to her.
What was her clingy behavior?
Any time I wouldn’t respond to a text message she would send she would grow frustrated and berate me with insults. Look, sometimes I don’t respond to my text messages right away (sometimes I don’t at all if I don’t like the person.) However, usually I always get around to it. If this girl was more patient we probably wouldn’t have had a problem. But she wasn’t…
I immediately classified her behavior as clingy and controlling and I did not want a presence like that in my life.
Do you have an idea of what clingy behaviors you have exhibited in the past with your ex?
If you don’t then you need to find out immediately.
Pillar 2- Giving Him Time
Most women fall into the clingy trap after a breakup occurs with their boyfriend.
What is this trap?
They call, text or skype their ex so much that it can sometimes go beyond regular clingyness.
If you need a refresher on how creepy this can be take a look at the very first picture I posted on this page of the woman who called her ex 77,000 times after her breakup with him.
A year or two ago one of my friends told me something really interesting about relationships.
In most relationships men put the most effort into making the relationship happen. However, once the relationship has already commenced then the women take over from there and do everything in their power to keep the relationship going.
While I am sure there are exceptions to this rule I have found it oddly accurate.
You see, men can sometimes have this nasty habit of getting comfortable in a relationship. In other words, they grow lazy and spoiled and get used to women doing everything for them. As a result, when a breakup occurs they almost expect that YOU are going to be the one that contacts them first begging for a second chance.
By being clingy and needy with phone calls or texts you are playing right into what they already believe is going to happen.
If I am being completely honest with you it annoys me when I see women begging for their exes back because to me that means they don’t know their own value.
Men aren’t attracted to neediness, they are attracted to women who know their value, women who know they can replace him in a heartbeat (kind of like that Beyonce song irreplaceable.)
So, rather than playing right into what he already believes is going to happen after a breakup (you getting all clingy with phone calls) I would recommend that you do the exact opposite of that. You should do what a strong woman would do, not contact him at all.
Many of you are aware of my thoughts on the no contact rule. Well, I am of the mind that giving your ex space (after you have been clingy) is the smartest thing you can do.
Why?
Men have this constant need to feel admired by women. Of course, when you shower a man with constant attention that attention is going to lose some of its value over time because he is going to get used to it.
By doing a no contact rule for either 21 or 30 days (depending on the situation) you are going to accomplish two things.
Thing 1- Giving Him Time To Cool Down
Here’s a fun question.
Who do you think has a better chance at getting her ex back,
A girl who tries to get her ex boyfriend back when he is extremely upset with her?
or
A girl who tries to get her ex boyfriend back when he is not that angry at her?
If you guessed the girl who tries to get her boyfriend back when he is not that angry then you guessed right. The no contact rule is perfect for giving your ex boyfriend time to cool down which in turn is going to increase your chances to seem less clingy and also get him back.
Thing 2- Gives YOU Time To Reshape Your Image
I am going to be talking about this a lot more in-depth in the next section but for now I can give you a little teaser of whats to come.
While you are using the no contact rule to give your ex time to cool down you can also be using it as a way to get rid of your clingy habits and reshape your image so that your ex no longer views you as clingy.
In other words, you can use it for self improvement.
Pillar 3- The New You
Self improvement is key if you don’t want to be looked at as clingy or needy anymore.
It’s funny, I was scrolling through Facebook the other day and noticed one of those overused motivational quotes that always seem to get shared.
It said something like,
Your amazing just the way you are…
On the surface it’s a really nice sentiment isn’t it?
However, when you sit down and really peel back the layers you will find that, that quote has a flaw.
It is essentially saying that it’s ok to be the way you are and you don’t have to change or improve for anyone.
Well, I take offense to that because I personally believe that self improvement should be something every human being should strive for. I mean, what is wrong with wanting to become a better version of yourself?
Now, I am not saying you should compromise your morals or do something your not comfortable with but I think it is completely ok to want to be a better version of yourself.
Since this is a page dedicated to eliminating neediness lets focus on how you can improve yourself if your neediness is tied directly to your own insecurities.
Dealing With Your Insecurities
A lot of clingy behaviors can be traced directly back to our own insecurities.
For example, we often get overly jealous because we are afraid our significant other might cheat on us. How about the fact that a lot of women don’t believe they are good enough for their boyfriends so they shower them with too much attention which can be viewed as clingy.
Getting rid of these types of insecurities can be quite tricky.
I mean, you can try to turn your feelings off as much as possible but in the end we are all human beings and not robots. We can’t help but feel jealousy and insignificance from time to time.
So, what I would like to teach you is the method I try to employ when dealing with my own personal insecurities.
(Yes, you will get to hear my own insecurities about relationships right here, right now.)
I would have to say that without a doubt the biggest insecurity I have when it comes to relationships would be the fear of being cheated on.
How did this insecurity develop?
When I was in High School I remember the first girl I asked out very clearly. You see, I liked her and she liked me, or so I thought.
Turns out she liked someone else and was just using me for fun. So, the day I asked her out she explained to me that she didn’t like me in “that way.” I’ll admit I was a little bummed out but I took it in stride and didn’t cause any unnecessary drama.
The very next day I found out that she started dating another guy, someone who she had been pursuing since I started pursuing her.
While she didn’t cheat on me it was my first experience with deception and I did not like how it felt.
As I gained more experience in dealing with the opposite sex I learned more and more about how women could sometimes use deception to get away with things. In fact, I became so frightened of being deceived that I started plotting out worse case scenarios in my head and trying to figure out if I would be able to survive if it ever occurred to me.
By far the worst deception I could think of was infidelity and it scared me.
Unfortunately, this site doesn’t help that insecurity at all when I come face to face with infidelity on a daily basis. You see, it has the ability to make you a little paranoid and that can be extremely unhealthy.
However, I figured out an excellent way to deal with this insecurity so it doesn’t make me exhibit clingy behavior.
You see, the fear of infidelity can sometimes cause you to get jealous over unnecessary things. This means that for me I can sometimes get touchy when other men are introduced into the equation around my relationship. So, rather than getting overly jealous I am always telling myself that I am setting such a high standard that no other man can compare.
Whats even better is that I am using my insecurity to force me to set that type of high standard.
You see, as long as I keep that standard so far out of reach for other men I have nothing to worry about because my significant other would literally have to be an idiot to stray.
In other words, I find a way to use my insecurities as a strength.
Pillar 4- Reclaiming Your Identity
I am about to make you aware of the ultimate form of neediness.
Some women become so enthralled with their relationship that they lose themselves in it.
For example, lets say that before you met your ex boyfriend you had a long list of hobbies,
- Running
- Watching movies
- Painting
- Swimming
However, as you fell deeper into the relationship you slowly but surely started losing your hobbies. Whats worse is you adopted all of your exes hobbies.
Now, there are two trains of thoughts when it comes to stuff like this.
Thought 1- It’s sweet that you can fall so deeply in love with someone that their passions become yours.
Thought 2- It’s dangerous to fall so deeply in love that you lose yourself in that person.
I personally believe that it’s ok to adopt your significant others hobbies as long as you don’t lose yourself in the process. It’s not ok to just stop something that you love (your hobbies) to make room for all of your boyfriends or husbands hobbies.
Remember, your ex boyfriend fell in love with you, the girl with her own hobbies.
He didn’t fall for the girl that stole his…
Katie
June 21, 2022 at 8:29 am
My very first boyfriend and I, we met 30 years ago, got reacquainted a year ago after 10 years with no communication. We’ve been friends and had flings on and off since we were teens. We’re in our 40s. He started calling me 7x a day last summer until I started freaking out because I didn’t trust. It’s LDR btw. So he ghosted me for three weeks after a fight after 3 months. He came back and we talked again but he had resentments about me. I had to call him instead. Eventually he started to call me and he never ignored me. I was supposed to move there a couple times but slow played. He got annoyed. But still close. A month or so ago he started ignoring me more. Pulling away. Bcz of my needy behavior. His best friend called and started telling me stuff about him like he has feelings for me etc mad that I haven’t moved there yet doesn’t trust me. I would call him to flip out if Josh wouldn’t respond to me. So last week I was flipping out everyday Bec he stopped returning my calls barely texting etc. We weren’t in a technical relationship just both love each other. But finally Thursday night he called yelling at me and Friday I got mad that he didn’t say hi and he said don’t call him again ever. And blocked me everywhere. His friend said he hasn’t given up on me give him a few days. But, it’s been 4 days now. Still blocked. We were so close for almost a year and on and off for 30 years. Idk what to do. I love him. I don’t want to lose him. Idk how to get him to unblock me. How long should I wait to let him cool off from being mad?
Coach Shaunna Nicol
July 24, 2022 at 9:06 pm
Hey Katie, I wouldn’t chase this guy allow him to come to you when he is ready to talk – if you do not hear from him for more than 30 days then you could start reaching out.
Ev
October 13, 2020 at 12:03 pm
I met this guy on a dating app and we went out on 3 dates, but over the course of the dates, we did couply stuff like holding hands and cuddle. However we did not DTR. Between the second and the third date, he went MIA on me for a week and simply forgot to reply me or thought of texting me. He apologised but it kind of ate me up inside knowing that I didn’t matter as much as he did to me. I ended up launching into a tirade of how I’m so scared of him leaving, that I’m constantly looking for signs to end this with him. Self fulfilling prophecy, after that wall of texts he said he thought we are too different and wouldn’t work out and he felt that I’m also not ready to open up to the possibility of love and getting hurt as they go hand in hand. It’s been 3 days of no contact, how long should NC be and is there a chance for me to get him back?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 24, 2020 at 8:30 pm
Hi Ev, it doesn’t sound as if you spend enough time with this guy to build a strong foundation, but if you wanted to work on getting him interested in you again, then I would complete a short No Contact and work on the information that Chris has provided regarding the Ungettable girl.
Kirti
October 2, 2020 at 12:39 pm
I was in LDR for 2months(iam in love with him for almost 1 and half years online..I proposed in may 2020,he denied first over phone calls,then he accepted when I met him in person for first time in June 2020 end ).He talked about getting married asap…Thinking that long distance is a Hindrance to progress of our relationship (which I too feel now).All of sudden in September first he said let us breakup every thing over phone…And i drove to his place ,acted desperate and needy…I begged ,pleaded and i think i annoyed him with these things in panic…he blocked me everywhere now…he spoke to my friend that he can’t bear me anymore and he can’t love me anymore…and said her that things don’t work between us…and asked not to patch us anymore….he is influenced by his best friend who never wanted us to get patched up…
I think i was too needy ,clingy , desperate that i suffocated him too much….but there were no trust issues…all that i did was text gnatting ,which i think he felt suffocating…now i understand that not giving him space and time might be the problem….but he didn’t give any explanation for breakup or any closure….i was blindsided.. all these reasons for breakup are my guess…iam ready to change my behaviours that bother him..i wanted to set things right…and want to get back into healthy relationship with him.i went into no contact for this one month from September 3….he not even unblocked me till now….what should i do now ? Should i contact him now or not ?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 20, 2020 at 7:03 pm
Hi Kirti, if you are blocked then you are forced to follow the rules of No Contact until you are unblocked, or have completed 45 days and have another method of contact.
Spring
September 13, 2020 at 12:26 pm
Iāve was dating this guy for 4 months, the chemistry between us was so intense that it kind of felt like we loved each other.. We went from texting each other everyday, seeing each other twice a week to then seeing each other every 2 weeks and the texting has became short..He has become so distracted within the last 2 months, that I was starting to think he was seeing someone else, of course I asked him and he replied no..I know he has a lot on his plate, with taking care of his daughter, working and taking care of his mother and doing other things. But I felt he was becoming distant… I seen myself planning our dates to see each other(Which he initially did) to texting him more because I felt like he was pulling back..All I wanted was better communication between us and for us to see each other more..And I think I stressed that enough to him to were it became like I was nagging.. Last conversation I had with him was that I was telling him that Majority of the time he claims he doesnāt see my calls or texts and that Iām sure if itās anybody else you would see it..He replied…really? Iāve text and called him within that week(Twice) we had stopped talking, He Ignored me. And now itās been 2 weeks since Iāve heard from him…I know about the NC rule… but how long should I give him time before reaching out again?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 2, 2020 at 9:12 pm
Hi Spring you need to do at least 30 days before reaching out
Julia
September 12, 2020 at 10:23 pm
So, my boyfriend and I were dating for almost two years. We talked about our future together and the plans. He recently broke up with me and he says he just doesnāt feel the same. But he told my friends that we werenāt in sync and he told me that he hopes he misses me. Itās confusing since he clearly doesnāt know what he wants but I know that I want to give our relationship a second chance. The last 3 months I have been extremely dependent on him and I know that, and I think thatās why he doesnāt like me as much. Since covid hit my sports have slowed down and I stopped getting scheduled to work since it wasn’t super busy. I believe thatās another reason I got really clingy. He also stopped asking to hangout and he never came up with date ideas anymore, I was always the one to do that. So I would text him how I was feeling and the text ration wasnāt 1:1, it was more 3:1. I just want to know how I can get him back since I was clingy and I want him to know that I am a stronger and independent. I also want to know when an ok time to ask to meet up is?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
September 28, 2020 at 5:49 pm
Hi Julia, so if your replies are positive that’s a good start, but you need to be in the texting phase and moving on to phone calls where you have positive responses from him so that you can build rapport with your ex before you attempt to get a meet up. Read some more articles about the value chain and how to be ungettable before you reach a point of asking for a meet up.
Victoria
September 4, 2020 at 2:47 am
Hi, my BF and I broke up few days ago after 6 months of relationship (yes not too long but I love him deeply), we stayed together for 3 months during covid period then I moved back to my own place after covid situation is more controlled and stayover with him only during the weekends. During the 3 months stay, we quarreled about space, he mention that I have always accidentally stepped into his personal space. Also, he mentioned that I am clingy on texting the week before. I told him I will change, last weekend, we were still hanging out lovely together like normal. Then Tuesday (after the weekend), he said he wants to break up with me because he has no feelings anymore.
I want to get him back because I can feel that he still likes me (his family told me that he has been drinking a lot).
I texted him few days ago saying that I acknowledged my clingy behavior and I will come back as a stronger person and also I respect his decision of breaking up.
What should I do?
Thank you
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
September 30, 2020 at 7:06 pm
You now need to go into a no contact counting from the day after you text him telling him that you accepted the break up. Work on yourself for 30 days and read and follow the information about how to be the Ungettable girl
Kimberly Foley
September 1, 2020 at 10:54 pm
Need serious help.
With my ex on and off for 5 yrs recently he tells me he wants to be single but whats confusing is he pined after me for those years telling me that he never wanted another woman after we kissed and he wanted forever with me. We would fight over stupid things that were related to his ex wife and me not being important enough. They have a 13 yr old son and I had no problem with coparenting but I think she was a little over the top with it like still tagging him on fb yet divorced for 8 yrs. She also didn’t like me at all.
We have talked about marriage and living together which we discussed in Feb and he was excited about it. We got into a fight the end of February in March he said he wanted us to work through things, April 20th he mailed me a card telling me he missed me, then in May talked about a ring but then in June told me he wanted to be single.
I’m so confused and heartbroken by this because I love him and wanted to marry him. It took me a long time to trust in him out of fear of being hurt like I was in the past.
I did every possible thing wrong from being needy and clingy to gnatting and begged him back for 8 weeks.
Now he tells me in August he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me but I honestly think a lot of it was fear because you don’t just go from one extreme to the other.
Need some advice Chris on what to do from here, please help. Thanks
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
September 10, 2020 at 8:12 pm
Hey Kimberly so the first thing you need to do is go into a No Contact and work on yourself in that time. Make sure that you use social media to show how well you are doing, read the articles and watch the videos to help you through the program to advance forward.
Claire
July 7, 2020 at 9:38 am
What should I do, my boyfriend already told me Im annoying for thinking such weird thoughts in my head (him cheating, flirting to another girl) and saying I am too clingy. We are in a LDR and he did something in the past which made me question his actions towards me. Hence, my trust for him is less than before.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
July 7, 2020 at 9:20 pm
Hey Claire, you need to work on yourself esteem and stop being so dependant of your ex. It is not attractive trait to be insecure and your ex is growing tried of the worrying
JL
June 8, 2020 at 4:13 pm
I have been with my BF (ex now as of three days ago) for a year. We met just before I moved and we spent three months together. And from then on we had been LDR, visiting every month.. until COVID. When I moved I didnāt have a support system here and bc of my position it hasnāt been easy to make friends. I believe I leaned on my ex as my life support. He was so kind and caring and I thought it was all good. COVID came and we couldnāt visit nor could I try to regain my own life and I became obsessed with the trends and when everything would open again. I also became clingy with him. I didnāt realize it put such a damper on things but when he broke up saying he needed to find himself and work on some of his own insecurities I began to consider what went wrong. He is a good man. An amazing man. I believe in us and am hopeful. After no contact am I supposed to Reach out to him? Write a letter? Or conversate with him? spell out how I realized I was clingy and what Iāve done to regain my own life and passions? And what if he contacts me before 3-4 weeks. Should I entertain it or ask for space to focus on my own growth?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
June 16, 2020 at 11:54 pm
Hi JL after NC yes you are supposed to be reaching out to your ex, but if he contacts you while you are in NC you do not reply. No matter what he says, unless it is asking you to get back together.
Btianna
June 1, 2020 at 12:49 am
How am I able to do no contact if it’s with my sons father and we have to live with each other still? I keep trying to give him space, but he takes advantage of it and leaves for the night. We share a car right now and I have been a stay at home mom. I just want us to be a happy family again but he says he loves me, just not in love.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
June 1, 2020 at 10:19 am
Hey Btianna, so this is where you would follow the rules of Limited No Contact, so you would speak with him when he is around to be civil but you just attempt to avoid spending any time with him. And when it comes to shared responsibilities and children. Read articles about being Ungettable and apply this to yourself where you can.
Karrie
May 29, 2020 at 8:45 pm
This guy and I are close friends. Most of the time, I like to talk to him too much, so of course, I lose all dignity and just call several times a day. He usually always amswers and generally seems interested in conversations but he does not initiate. When asked once, he said it’s because he knows if he wants to talk to me, and waits long enough, I will call him. I assume I should try no contact, but im afraid if I do, he will just lose interest in being my “friend” and we will create distance. I am very bad at always being available, always calling, emails, etc… Help š I need to redeem myself and am not sure if it’s too late. We didnt “break up” but I want some dignity back without losing him.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
June 3, 2020 at 9:57 pm
Hey Karrie, taking a step back and not allowing yourself, working on your Holy Trinity and stick to a No Contact
Melissa
April 3, 2020 at 1:40 pm
I see people asking for advice so maybe someone can help me.
I’ve been with my man for 2 years on and off. I left him last year but realized it was a mistake and we’ve been back together for a few months. I kind of went off the rocker about social media and got extremely jealous, clingy,and a little stalkerish. He blocked me on everything, lied about it and said he needed a social media break but we have mutual friends so I found out. It’s been two weeks. He refuses to see me. But still talks to me everyday atleast once.
To be fair he has tons of strippers and online sex workers in his social media.
I have no real reason to think he is unfaithful, but something inside of me tells me he is. So it’s made me extremely clingy and obsessive and pushed him away.
Im scared to have no contact because we’re not together but we’re still kind of together. He told me he wants me to prove I won’t be crazy about social media.
I hate the internet in relationships.
But anyway,I have been blowing him up trying to have him see my point of view, I see his clearly and am willing to chill out and try to trust him. But he said he doesn’t care, I’m crazy bad he’s not unblocking me.
I should stop contacting him huh? Does that mean not messaging back when he says hey? How do I change his perception of me?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
April 12, 2020 at 6:04 pm
Hi Melissa, the internet is difficult when you are struggling with insecurities, but I would suggest that you take some time in NC and work on that. While you are not broken up I would follow the rules of Limited no contact where you do not reach out to him, and you do not hassle him but if he was to check in on you ask how you are etc, then reply but don’t reply immediately give it an hour or two FOR NOW. If he gets in touch and ends the relationship then you follow the full no contact rules for 30 days.
Emma
March 13, 2020 at 3:04 pm
Hi,I met my ex in freshman year randomly in a class and we became friends. After awhile,he started to have feelings for me and as I noticed the signs and the way he cares for me I started to love him too. At that very moment,I felt like it was meant to be since he would always care for me and remind me how amazing I was unlike any other person would. The reason why we broke up is because he initiated it first and I had a lot of issues to handle along with himself. I have had trouble following the boundaries and doing other things to keep myself occupied while heās busy. I was clinging on him a lot through messages and at school the first few days after the break up and now I feel like I completely lost him. I already started to no contact rule but I still feel that he sees me as someone who canāt let go and I donāt know what to expect now. I would really appreciate your help and advice so I can maybe get him back again. Thanks
Also his birthday is coming up and I was thinking of giving a birthday wish and a card but I donāt know
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
March 18, 2020 at 12:55 am
Hi Emma do not break NC or give him a gift for his birthday while you are broken up! If you want your ex back then start following the program properly and read the articles so that you understand how we work here
Frank
February 23, 2020 at 2:54 am
Hello,
I dated a guy for three weeks. After three weeks, he ended things because he didn’t think we were a good fit for each other, but all of our experiences together and time together would say otherwise. Since he ended things. I have texted him multiple times to which I get very little response, or finally, no response at all.
I will initiate a no contact period, but I was wondering if there is any coming back from this? Will there ever be a right time to reach out and try to re-initiate things or just give it another try?
Thanks.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
February 26, 2020 at 10:49 pm
Hi Frank so if he does not feel that you are compatible after 3 weeks then maybe he was not ready for a relationship yet or you need to show how do have things in common and have similar goals in life.
Daphne
February 12, 2020 at 9:34 pm
Hi,
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 2.5 years. The relationship began very quickly. We worked together and he was broken over his ex and I needed a place to stay, so I moved in with him he asked me to be his girlfriend within 2 days. At first, he was very jealous, controlling, emotional… etc. I would say the first year and a half he was the needy one. I’m not sure what happened, but I started to get very insecure about 6 months ago. I lost my job and became very depressed so I think it may have been a self esteem issue. He’s said he supports me but I cant help but think that he used me to get over his ex and is just with me until he finds someone else. I’m super paranoid about the smallest things. I believe that every word that comes out of his mouth is a lie. I think he enjoys the attention because he will say things like “oh my female coworker was hitting on me today” like ok? Why would you say that to me. Anyway, I can tell I’ve pushed him away a little bit and that makes it worse. We still live together and he tells me he loves me but I’m not sure if it will ever be the same. I feel that if I step back and let him be, then he will just find someone else instead of missing me. I recently started work again so I hope that will help.
Kathy
January 8, 2020 at 7:05 pm
Hello,
I was seeing a guy long distance (he lives in Ireland, I live in Germany) we weren’t in an actual relationship, but we were talking every day and the way we were talking suggested there might have been a relationship in the future. He visited Germany in November and we met up and went on a date together (we had already been talking for about 4 months at that time) and over the holidays I was in Ireland and we spent time together, going out, cooking and he even took me to his parents’.
I confessed to him that I’m developing actual deeper feelings for him and he told me it was mutual, however I got very insecure regarding where we were standing. So I might have come on too strong and clingy, constantly bombarding him talking about my feelings and asking him about our status. He said we’ll see where it goes as we hadn’t had the chance to spend enough time yet. I tried telling him that I was just feeling those things and didn’t mean we should start a relationship soon.
He kissed me goodbye when we had to part ways last Wednesday, we texted a bit, but he would stop replying soon and leave it at that, last contact we had was last Friday, he’s been ignoring me since, he hasn’t deleted or blocked me, but he doesn’t reply to my texts (doesn’t even read them) or react to me in any way. I made the mistake of sending him a bunch of texts after he started ignoring me, but only on the first day and then I stopped and started NC.
Is it over for good or is there still a chance he might come back?
I believe he must have liked me at some point, he wouldn’t have made such an effort otherwise.
Please help.
Kathy
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 14, 2020 at 5:59 pm
Hi Kathy, I agree he must have liked you as he came to Germany to see you and he also introduced you to his parents. So, dont question that, I think you just put pressure on him to feel a certain way before he was ready to – texting about your feelings, being insecure, and overpowering someone with your own emotions is going to take its toll on someone who is in a new long distance relationship. What you need to do is stick with your No Contact, leaving him to reach out to you when he is ready, if he does. And see what it is that he has to say at the time before considering answering him. Stick to 30 days No Contact and if you dont hear from him by then you can reach out with a type of text that Chris suggests.
Hera
December 4, 2019 at 12:14 pm
Greetings Chris , my name is Hera.My circumstance is like below:
I knew him from the International Astronomy Olympiad 2019 (October), he is from the Bellevue Washington and I’m from the Malaysia. Initially I started to crush on him when he came to my room (with his team) to study for the competition. That time he was seemed shy, and quiet. That time I was scared that he doesn’t like me at the first impression, so I tried to text him saying “Hi and good luck for the competition tomorrow” and he replied too. When there was excursion during the breaks of test days, I realized that I crushed on him more deeper and I really like him that time. At of the night, we backed from a cafe after having supper , I asked him to come to my room as he didn’t have his room key with him. That time I’m scared because I don’t if he will like me. I tried by hugging but things went. I confessed to him that time and he said he likes me too!!!!! I was so happy and we kissed. To be honest, at the next day’s night, we had sex because we can’t bear it anymore and I like him really much he is such a nice and smart and polite and cute boy I have ever met. He is 17 and he is bisexual.Things still went through in good condition while we still at the olympiad. Initially he said that I’m little clingy but he likes it. After the olympiad, we went back to our country and he said that we took it too fast, and we need to be friends first. That time I was like shocked and very sad, because I really like him.But he said we could go with it when I live in USA(since I’m gonna study in USA in the end of 2020). But I kept being clingy because there’s a girl from Romania(where olympiad held) likes him too and she said he is cute and stuff. Of course I’ll worry because I treasure him,I don’t wanna lost him, he is so unique to me as I really hope that I could have a guy who also interested in physics and who could help each other in the careers in our future. But things getting worse as he began to ignore me even he was online. That time I used to call him like 3 times in a row and texted him like 20 messages in a row because I was really nervous : am I going to lost him?
Then he told me that we shouldn’t contact again as this takes too much work and time.After a week, I reduced my texting frequency like texted him 2-3 messages and he replied! But after this I getting crazy again and ask him about that girl in Romania.I texted that girl too and she said they are just friends.But most of my Romanian friends said that she isn’t a good person as she likes to talk back behind people, snatch their boyfriends and used to get pregnant at 10th grade. I was more worried now, will she hurt him? What if they chat often and things getting worse? So I’m so helpless that time as I don’t know what will she said to him. I knew he will trust me, but what I’m scared is when he treats her as good friend or even crush, he will think that I’m a bad person and I don’t know what will she talk about me. She is definitely not a good person and I wanna protect my boy.Now the problems come. I texted one of his close friend (from the olympiad too)and his friend told me that he doesn’t wanna get into relationship right now and asked me to give him some time and we would talk naturally in the future.Now I realized I had an overthought.I was too much. I shouldn’t being clingy to him but I’m just worrying that he will be hurted by her since I don’t know how she will seduce him or I don’t know what she’ll do.
Now is winter season and I bought a thick hoodie for him since I don’t want him to get cold. I just asked him today( we didn’t talk for 2 weeks already) whether he receive the parcel, then I asked him whether he still hates me or annoyed by me, then he said that he doesn’t wanna talk to me…and he blocked me on every social media today. I’m so sad, I’m really…I don’t how to say I had some Exs before but I realized he is my special one, I really hope that we could be together in the future. Now I couldn’t contact him anymore but I told his friend about this and his friend said he will help, but do we still have chance? I really love him , I don’t know why but the feeling is so intense and I really wanna plan for our future. I hope he could unblock me one day. I don’t mind if we start as friends again and I will treasure him so much.I don’t wanna lost him…What should I do now?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 6, 2019 at 8:39 pm
Hi Hera, so as you are blocked you have no choice right now but to go into a No Contact and work on yourself in that time. You should not send gifts or message emotionally when you have gone through the “break up” you need just to leave him alone to let him miss you and wonder why you are not reaching out to him. So during your no contact work on yourself, and look up the term Ungettable Girl on this website, Chris has given many explanations on how to become ungettable and doing this work will work in your favor. Good Luck
Alyse
October 8, 2019 at 7:30 pm
So my ex and I dated for five months. He broke up with me because I was getting too emotional ( I can act out irrationally at times lol ) so we broke up but he said he wanted to get back together after we have some space. We almost got back together and I again got clingy āāļø We went two weeks talking and hung out a few times but I kept texting and texting and being clingy. Finally he said he almost ended it but now he definitely needs space…. and he doesnāt know about the future with me because he canāt be with me if I keep acting out emotionally. So then I texted him six times after that āāļø Just saying I understood and I was sorry blah blah. Wish I just left it. Anyways going to give him lots of space and time. I hope maybe in a few months to try contact again. Just to chat. Nothing heavy. Thoughts? I know he cares. He told me last week he still loves me. Itās so hard to let go I think he just needs to see I can have self control of my emotions.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 9, 2019 at 9:36 pm
Hi Aylse, yes do a NC but not for a few months, for 45 days and in that time work on your emotional control 100% agreed.
Lea
August 28, 2019 at 2:18 am
Hi! Great article. I started seeing a guy about 3 months ago. He told me on our second date that he was laid off from work and unemployed. I do not know what his finances are like. He initiated most of the time seeing me, and we did a lot that do not require money. We spent a lot to time together. He started interviewing and is waiting to hear about a job. Several weeks ago he pulled back, and I asked if everything was ok. He said yes but stressed about the job thing and too much too soon for us. I said ok do what you need to do I understand and I will back off too. 3 days later he goes back to wanting to see me. So we went back to seeing each other like before. However, he started pulling back again. I asked again if everything was ok and not himself lately. He said he was stressed and needed space. I again said the same as above. However, he has really pulled back this time. I am upset cause I texted him a lot asking he was still ok taking me to dinner for my birthday that he initiated. He turned it on me saying yes but are you wanting to back out? He also said he cannot give me anything serious at the moment. I said yes but was respecting his space. We went out for my birthday. When I saw him I told him I know he is not in a position to be in anything serious and was not really looking at it in that way. I just enjoyed his company and was building a relationship with him and enjoying my time with him but keeping an open mind to see what would happen. He told me that he was just very confused and very stressed out about not having a job. I asked if he was seeing others, but he said he has no desire to, and he doesnāt expect me to wait on him. I in my mind jokingly said oh great Iāve met another confused guy who doesnāt know what he wants. Even though I was saying it in a jokingly way Iām afraid I should not have said that. We went to dinner after that conversation and had a great time and he stayed over and left the next day. However I have not heard from him unless I text him first. He is finding out about his job soon but not keeping me posted like he used to. I donāt know what to do in this situation. I donāt know if heās really stressed out about work or just trying to tell me that he doesnāt want to see me anymore. He said he is not dating anyone else and not in a position to and fulfilled by me. I know men handle stress differently. I have decided not to reach out and give him space to see what happens and hopefully do damage control.
marli
August 22, 2019 at 6:32 pm
just thought id leave a comment for some advice:
I started seeing this guy about a month ago. he went on vacation for 9 days and I got a bit clingy (bc he didn’t text a whole lot and I thought he wasn’t interested.) I asked him about it and he said he was still interested. things went on as normal
he gets back and we make plans to see each other and falls asleep and stands me up, I get a little upset obviously, but forgive him. we make plans again and he says he has a migraine. should I pull back?