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772 thoughts on “Stage 5 Clinger – Getting A Boyfriend Back If You Were Too Clingy”

  1. Avatar

    Rina

    July 24, 2014 at 1:00 am

    This gave me such insight into my clingy behaviors. My ex called me a stalker right after he broke up with me and he’s right. I DID shadow him and I didn’t even realize it until now… For some reason I would just walk into the room he was in (although we did live together in a tiny apartment and I would sometimes go out there just to talk to our roommates ) you know what… I’m starting to think I really wasnt THAT stalker-ish… maybe sometimes, but usually I’d just let him do his own thing and I’d do mine. He never wanted me around our friends or to go on car rides with him T.T Actually, now that I’m writing this… everyone was right… HE was the controlling one… not me… so maybe I havent really gone past the point of no return. ^_^’ if anything, he was a stalker….

    1. admin

      admin

      July 24, 2014 at 3:06 pm

      Interesting… you learned HE was the shadower.

    2. Avatar

      Rina

      July 25, 2014 at 10:59 pm

      Sigh….Is he even worth taking back if he’s like this?

    3. admin

      admin

      July 28, 2014 at 2:32 pm

      Probably not but that is a question only you can answer.

  2. Avatar

    M

    July 23, 2014 at 1:44 pm

    Seems like you and I share the same fear and perception of it..I can tottaly feal you. May I ask some things I wonder about; do guys have a certain plan or tactic when it comes to relantionships? Like where to go on a first date,when they’ll invite the girl home etc? and is it a good thing? And also do you think that generally a guy does the same things when he’s in a relantionship or can he be totally different? Like gain weight when in a previous relantionship wanted to look good and thin, don’t post things on fb that shows he’s with someone when in the past he did, and so on? I would be so gratefull if you could tell me your opinion!

    1. admin

      admin

      July 24, 2014 at 3:06 pm

      Some guys do!

      However, you have to be careful b/c guys like that tend to be after one thing and it isn;t your brain.

      I think guys can change and evolve over relationships but their personality usually remains unchanged.

    2. Avatar

      M

      July 25, 2014 at 12:52 pm

      At least in my case I can say that he wasn’t after sex..That’s why i’m a bit confused.When i met my ex he wanted to lose weight and he did succeed it,he was looking after himself,he had even posted songs for me on fb..etc.About a month ago it happened and i saw him and had gained a lot of weight,he hadn’t a fancy haircut like before.I know he has a gf(or that was he’s saying) so it seems a bit weird to me..and so I had to ask!I beleive what you say but in that case does this seems normal to you??

    3. Avatar

      M

      July 28, 2014 at 7:46 am

      ??

  3. Avatar

    Taryn

    July 23, 2014 at 11:48 am

    Great tips!

    I wasn’t a total clinger, But I had my moments. I was the text/call gnat just before our breakup. I wasn’t always that way. But it was annoying enough lol. I will change that :]

    Thank you for this!

    1. admin

      admin

      July 24, 2014 at 3:05 pm

      Your welcome Taryn!

      I am sure you weren’t that bad of a gnat.

    2. Avatar

      Taryn

      July 24, 2014 at 3:13 pm

      I don’t think I was :]

    3. admin

      admin

      July 25, 2014 at 1:40 pm

      I think Ryan made a mistake letting you go. You seem so dedicated to winning him back. It’s rare to find someone that cares that much about someone.

    4. Avatar

      Taryn

      July 25, 2014 at 3:07 pm

      He did make a mistake. But he is clouded by stubbornness. And maybe even pride and selfishness. I don’t know. But just want him to give this another chance. We are long distant and I know that plays a huge roll. But I thought about what you said about talking to him at some point about being permanent and I believe I would like to move to California where he is to be closer. But he won’t even let me get that far. He has shown signs of interest… But then he foes back to ignoring me.

      I care about him so much. And he knows that. Or maybe he doesn’t. But I try not to obeys about it all. I will not give up on him. He means so much to me. And we have so much potential that it’s crazy. We are perfect for each other. In my mind. He’s always thought I was perfect for him.

      Blahhhh But okay. I will read your other comment and email you hehe

      I love him. That is all.

    5. admin

      admin

      July 28, 2014 at 1:45 pm

      It’s really a bummer b/c usually it should be the guy that sparks those types of permanent talks. Nevertheless, I think the key for LDR to work is that aspect that both people work to find a permanent solution.

    6. Avatar

      Taryn

      July 28, 2014 at 5:01 pm

      Yes I agree. And Ryan had brought up things like that first.

    7. Avatar

      Taryn

      July 29, 2014 at 1:53 am

      I completely understand how LDRs work. I know that both people need to do things. And he would. Right now he is silent again. But I can get through this.

      I have faith and so much hope. I won’t give up on him Hehe. I will figure out what to do next.

      Thank you

      :]

    8. Avatar

      Taryn

      July 29, 2014 at 4:55 pm

      Ps. Ryan just texted me all on his own :]

    9. admin

      admin

      July 30, 2014 at 2:04 pm

      That’s great news!!!

  4. Avatar

    Lola

    July 23, 2014 at 4:29 am

    Thanks for this Chris!

    Any advice on what to stay when reconnecting with an ex after being needy? Is it a good idea or a bad idea to apologize and say ‘hey, I thought about it and I realized I realize I was really X. I’m really sorry but I’ve learned my lesson and I hope we can start over?’

    1. admin

      admin

      July 24, 2014 at 3:04 pm

      No apologies. It’s better to jsut let your actions do the talking.

    2. Avatar

      Lola

      July 24, 2014 at 9:05 pm

      Thanks Chris

      Also, can you do a post on how to fix things after being overly mistrustful/how to show someone you trust them?

      Your article on how to get an ex to trust you again was great but part of my problem is that I frequently complained to my ex that I couldn’t trust him and tended to be suspicious of his motives even though he did nothing to deserve that. I struggle with trust issues that have nothing to do with him but ended up being completely unfair to him as a result until he eventually got fed up of the accusations.

    3. admin

      admin

      July 25, 2014 at 2:17 pm

      I have wrote a post on gaining trust back you might want to check it out.

  5. Avatar

    Maddie

    July 22, 2014 at 8:51 pm

    Hi,

    My boyfriend and I broke up about 3 months ago after being together for just 14 weeks. He told me that the really, really strong feelings were not there yet, but he liked me a whole lot and told me that we fit well together, but he had to make a choice in the end, so that we wouldn’t be hurt if we went further on and things turned out badly…(this exact thing happened with his exes as well…is he suffering from “the grass is greener syndrome?”…that when the “honeymoon” phase is over, he’s not feeling so excited anymore and needs to try something new?). Things were going great, and we spent almost every day together, and suddenly out of the blue he announces that, after we had spent one hell of a good weekend in a wedding that we need to take a break, because he does not know what to do, what to think, or what to feel about us…but specified, “but only for a week” and then kissed and hugged me like there was no tomorrow…

    I personally think that I wasn’t clingy. I wasn’t texting him 24/7. And I am not bad looking either..(not to sound conceited!). I am though a bit unsure about myself, and maybe not so, I don’t know, “aggressive”, or taking the initiative to things…
    Yes, I spent most my evenings and nights at his place, but he asked me to as well, so that wasn’t all on me..He even introduced me to his family after just 2 weeks together.
    I think a reason that the relationship went south is that it progressed too quickly, we almost lived together after a few weeks, went on weekly dinners at his parents house, talked about the future on a shallow level etc. Another thing is that we were both not too good at communicating on a deeper level though…I told him this, but he just replied “yeah, but it could still have worked….”

    Things he say contradicts with the things he does, and vice versa. I think he’s just confused (he have actually told me that he really is confused, and does not know what he want …this applies to other aspect of his life as well, like schools and jobs…(he tried one major, quit, took a job, went back to school, job, school, job, school and now job…)

    I was stupid enough to just sit nimble by when he broke it off, and I agreed on everything he said even though I strongly disagreed…I was so, so hurt and numbed. And shocked! He even suggested that we could still be friends…that if I ever needed someone to talk to, I could just call him…

    I of course, unhappy, sad, and hurt went on the internet the minute I came home to search for any advice on how to deal with a heartbreak of the worse kind. I stumbled upon your site and read all your posts, not once, but twice! I tried the NC for about 5 weeks, and we ended up texting back and forth for an hour. (I iniciated the txt after your “recipe” ). Then I heard nothing for 3 weeks, so I tried yet again with a text, and he answered and we talked. Another few weeks went by, and he contacted me this time…we talked for two hours, and it felt like nothing had changed. Well, until he suggested that I should just jump right into the dating scene again, “no time to waste”, and that I deserve to feel good and that I am quite the catch etc… Seriously?! God, that man makes me so confused. I also, (still being friends on Facebook…yeah, I know…) have noticed that he’s made a new female friend, and by his activity, I am thinking that there may be something going on there. The worse thing is that she looks kinda like me. And that hurts..I am really at a loss on what to do. Please, any advice? Any at all? I really don’t know what to do. I love him so much that its becoming redicilous…

    I am now however at a much better place, both physical and mentally….I have followed your advice, and not let myself “fall”….and I really think that my ex and I have a shot, or a potential if he just will let us have that second chance…but he is one stubborn man….

    I also want to tell you, wether you read this or not, that thanks to your page, I have become much more sure, and feel much better about myself now. It have also made me see things and think about things in a new, and better way. And I am so grateful that you take your time to try and help, as many as you can, and as best as you can.

    1. admin

      admin

      July 24, 2014 at 3:04 pm

      Your welcome.

      With your attitude I have to say I am really impressed and think you have a shot as well.

    2. Avatar

      Maddie

      July 26, 2014 at 11:45 am

      Just a little update: I sent him a message two days ago and told him that I thought it was nice that we could still remain friends and talk and stuff. He agreed. And today I spoke with him again. I asked about his plans for the weekend and when he said he had no plans tomorrow, I worked up the courage to casually ask him if we should take a walk and talk as I had an errand in the city. He said yes!

      So this is my chance! But, no matter what happens, I’ll know I’ve done my best.

      Thank you, again for all your encouraging posts! They have been a real help.

      Now I just have to do my best tomorrow!

    3. Avatar

      Maddie

      July 26, 2014 at 11:46 am

      Oh, any last advices? 🙂

    4. admin

      admin

      July 28, 2014 at 2:40 pm

      Just be yourself and focus on having a good time.

      Thats the best advice I can give you!

    5. Avatar

      Maddie

      July 28, 2014 at 6:27 pm

      I/we had a great time until he told me he had started dating another girl. He had been on a lunch date with her last week, and now had another one with her this coming week/weekend…I got totally friend-zoned! He was talking about it so lightly, like I was one of his best buddies..though he did look at me straight when he said it, to see my reaction maybe? I don’t know. For me however it felt like being stabbed in the heart and having the knife twisted around. I think I actually told him “oh, thats great”…and then he was all over how I had been doing in that department…which I tried to stay clear off as good as I could.

      The “date” we went on was a walk in the park near where he lives, so we met up at his place ( I got a good long hug), and then we walked and talked for about half and hour, carefree, laughing and joking, until he realized he’d forgotten his phone and we had to go back and get it (he was on call, so he needed it). I thought that it was just an excuse from his side, so I prepared myself to say goodbye when we came back to his building. But he told me we could walk some more as he wanted to see the new place I just bought and we did. But when I was leaving (we were back at his place just having some water), he became distant and weird, and closed up, like he always do when we set foot in that apartment. Whats the deal with that? So I just told him it was nice meeting up, had a great time and bye!

      I’m getting such mix signals from that guy!

      God…

      I feel like its just over, and that I need to move on, because what else can I actually do? I think I’ve tried everything there is to do…

      But meeting up with him again, and actually see that we were able to get so along, only made me realize how much I still care and love him so much, even though when he told me he’d started dating again, I wanted to knee him in the goods and slap his gorgeous face.

      Did I perhaps wait too long? our NC was 5 weeks, and we talk once a week after that, and then he went on a long business trip for several weeks, and when he came back he’d started seeing this girl..which he met online..

      God, now I’m just second guessing myself again…and I don’t want that!

      Sorry, for “spamming” your comment section. I just have to get these thoughts and feelings out..

    6. Avatar

      Maddie

      July 31, 2014 at 1:46 pm

      I haven’t spoken with him since the “date” on Sunday..I think I just needed some time to collect my thoughts and emotions over the fact that he had started dating again. I didn’t want to say something rash and ruin everything that I’ve tried to build for so long.

      But now I’m just at a loss on what to do. What on earth shall I text him without sounding like I’m just “trying” too hard, or talking just to talk?

      I truly want him back, and I really think that we did have something special that could only grow into something wonderful if he just had let it and stopped second guessing himself all the time. He have told me whenever his mind get set on something he finds it hard to switch out from that line of thinking…which he told me when he broke up.
      He first took it up a few weeks before the break up (that he was unsure about where this were going and what he was feeling), and we talked about it, and then everything seemed fine and back to normal. But then he couldn’t get his head around his doubt because that was all he was focusing on, so he kept shutting me out and in the end it just came to a point where he had to make a decision…

      My friends and family keeps telling me to move on and forget about him, but I find it so hard. All I picture is him and his new date, and what they might be doing etc. I know its awful, and self-destructive thinking that way..

      I want to move on, and I am trying. But still he holds such a big part of my heart. I don’t even think he knows just how much he meant to me. And I feel like thats one of the biggest issue in me trying to let go…because all I think about is, why did I just sit there agreeing to him tellings us that we could still be friends and that was all just okay that he broke up with me like all I could see us as was just friends as well? Why didn’t I scream at him, or kick him, or something?

      I do feel like trying a bit more…though I am at a loss on what to do or try.
      Its not over until its really over? Right? I don’t wanna regret that I just sat nimble by, letting the love of my life slip through my fingers and into another girls hands.

      But how on earth can I do just that? As I have told you, I have tried initiating contact, and he do text me back whenever I do. I am trying to build attraction through using fond memories and such. I even think I look better than when we got together too. But I am running out of things to actually say to him, without loosing it, and proclaiming my never ending love to him…

      I kind of want to write him that i had fun on sunday and that it felt easy to see him again and talk with him again or something along those lines. But, since its now have been almost 5 days since, it kinda sounds, i dont know, like im trying to hard or something? And im also afraid that he will right out tell me that he’s now dating someone, and that its becoming serious and that he cant stay in contact with me anymore…Any idea how I can turn the message into something that he can respond well to?

      Oh god, I think I just got put ten steps back after seeing him last week…I who was finally feeling so great about myself in so long…I don’t wanna be back to where I started.

      I really hope you will find time to help me with this last thing.

    7. admin

      admin

      August 4, 2014 at 2:20 pm

      Hes dating someone else offically now?

    8. Avatar

      Maddie

      August 4, 2014 at 9:35 pm

      I don’t really think so, he’s been on 2, maybe 3 dates with her, but im not quite sure… I haven’t talked with him since last week.

  6. Avatar

    Sheryl

    July 22, 2014 at 7:47 pm

    Dear Chris: It’s nice to e-meet you. My friend recommended your techniques to help me draw in this challenging guy. I wanted to touch base with you because my story is very different than your typical clients because my friend and I have never dated. So we have never broken up and we have never had a fight or anything. Our friendship is good –what I want is out of the “friend-zone”.

    Synopsis / History: David and I met over 12 years ago via a video game. Before I met David, I was (unhappily) married but never made that apparent in the game. I befriended a young guy, Zack, who was born without arms. He brought David into the server and that’s where we met (David is Zack’s physical therapist). I spent time chatting (on the phone as well as on Yahoo Conference) with David and he filled in where I was lacking. David knew I was married and we NEVER crossed any boundaries – he was just interested in knowing the ins/outs of my day and we shared our lives daily.

    Fast forward to November 2007, I learn my husband had an affair with his ex while I was on a business trip and the marriage dissolved. I thought I’d leave all our online friends behind as well. But Brad was also a friend in the gaming world who, when learned of my upcoming divorce, came on full speed ahead. I ended up dating Brad and falling madly in love! Brad was so insecure of David and requested I cut him off. I couldn’t fully for some reason, so I placed an emotional boundary instead. David then asked “are you dating anyone?” I pouted on the other line (literally, not lying) and said, “yes I am” and told him about Brad. He wished me luck and we drifted apart for a bit. Then, when Brad broke up with me in July 2010, I texted David and said “Hey! It’s been awhile and I hope you’re well. I’m going through a breakup and this one is rough”. David immediately responded and lifted me up. He said how wonderful I was and that any man would be lucky to have me as their gal when I was ready to start dating again. He checked in for support periodically and our friendship kicked off again.

    (Oh I forgot to mention that David has never been married. He was cheated on before they made it to the alter). I waited for David to ask me out but he was sort of seeing this girl that Zack knew. Also, I had another guy who was in full pursuit (Corey) and we started a committed relationship. David asked me again if I was dating. I then told him about Corey. What sucked is I knew Corey and I weren’t going to last and I was preparing to break up with him. Still, this was April 2013. So I texted David about the break up and said, “hey you! I’m going through another breakup but this one doesn’t hurt as bad”. He responded instantly again and said, “Sher (that’s what he calls me). I don’t understand. For as long as we have known each other – I have found you so amazing.” Our friendship kicks off again.

    Then in June 2013, we start flirting (woohoo). We have an inside joke using cupcakes and I started to ask “umm, are still talking about cupcakes here”. He said, “no clue”. Well keep fast forwarding to November 2013, and I used the cupcake to lure him into a meeting.

    I have a friend who lives in his area and we planned a meet up. David invited Zack to accompany us and it was perfect! I’m so happy Zack was there, because I had met him once before and so if David was not all I hoped, he would be good buffer. So I put my favorite sweater on, of course. Looking amazing! I gave myself a pep talk in the mirror to help calm my nerves. I met a guy at a restaurant the night before so I used that thought to maintain my confidence. When I came out of the stairwell, he was there with Zack and handsome as ever. Better than his pictures.

    Well on the way out, the hotel lobby guy (whom I also had a nice chat with) said, “you guys have a great time”. David said, “he is so nice. As soon as we walked in, he went on and on about you.” I said, “Really?!” Zack said, “oh yeah. He said, you guys must be here for that beautiful girl from Atlanta”. David then added “I told him that you were easy to talk to so I’m not surprised he got to know you”.

    Wow!

    So he takes us to a movie and the conversation was so easy. He sat on my right, Zack on my left. Then afterwards, David asked what was for lunch and I said I wanted a hamburger. Zack said, “well there’s a McDonald’s down the road”. To which I said, “eww Zack – not a chance”. David laughed and asked where I wanted to go and I said I’d like to go to Longhorn. He then answered “but you were just there last night”. I quickly said, “yes David but I can eat there EVERY – day!” But I thought he wouldn’t have known that if he didn’t check my Facebook .

    Ok, so lunch was AWESOME! Zack sat across from us. David was to my left. But I didn’t read too much into that, just thought he picked that seat because he’s left-handed. At one point, Zack had left the booth to say hi to a friend. David kept going on and on about looking like a pig in front of me. He also kept saying he was sorry he had to cut the evening short (due to a funeral). I told him it was fine and I understood. Then the most exciting thing happened…

    He said, looking at me, “Sher, I really would like more time. If I did, I would ….”

    But we were interrupted by Zack who popped back in the booth! GAR! And to this day I have no idea what he was going to say but I feel it would have been GREAT!

    So they drove me back to my hotel and followed me to my room for more conversations and cupcakes. They ended up staying over the time they needed to leave. The goodbye hug from David lasted so long that when I let go of him, he was holding me so tightly. I felt his hands pressing in my back and I thought, “wow, I’m being held…”

    Since then, we had been building more regular communication. More supportive communication. Then I accidently sent a text that was meant for Taryn to David that said, “Yeah, my mom thinks I’m getting close to David also due to do the increase in messaging. I know he’s going through a hard time but I can’t help but feel close to him”. As you can imagine I was mortified. I pretended that didn’t happen and got super busy. Did some NC for a while and have since started building texting again.

    Where we are now is back to the early stages where he responds to some, but not all, messages. I’d love very much to hook him in for good!

    Some personal details : I live in Atlanta Georgia, he lives in Logan West Virginia. He’s 42 never married. I’m still casually dating a few guys as well. I’ll be 43 in Aug, divorced since 2008. Been single since April 2013. It’s been 1 day since I last texted David, with no response. I plan to not reach out for at least a week, maybe two. I understand dating a guy in his 40s is WAY different that a guy in his 20s. David’s life is surrounded by Church, work (and lots of work), family and friends. My life is busy with Church, family/friends, work, and marking things off my list.

    Ok, sorry it’s long. Any suggestions?! I have your e-book and plan to read it tonight

    1. admin

      admin

      July 24, 2014 at 3:03 pm

      Would you classify this as a long distance type of thing?

    2. Avatar

      Taryn

      July 24, 2014 at 3:25 pm

      Haha I’m the friend who recommended Sheryl talk to you. And Yes. It is long distance for them.

    3. admin

      admin

      July 25, 2014 at 1:43 pm

      Thats AWESOME!

      I think the distance definitely has to be a factor that preventing him from taking the full step into the relationship.

    4. Avatar

      Sheryl

      July 28, 2014 at 11:57 am

      Thank you for responding Chris 🙂 Even though this is a LDR situation, I am willing to relocate and I travel there frequently to visit a girlfriend (who lives a few hours away from him). Meanwhile, any fun communication tips you suggest we can use?

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