How To Get Your Boyfriend Back If You Were Clingy

794 thoughts on “Stage 5 Clinger – Getting A Boyfriend Back If You Were Too Clingy”

Betsy

July 29, 2014 at 5:36 pm

Hey Chris –

I’m usually not a clingy person… but my break up with my ex sure as hell made me look like one. During our relationship we were both pretty laid back. There was no text-gnatting. I was never uptight about how long it took him to respond, sometimes he failed to respond to a text at all and it was fine. We’d occasionally go several days without texting one another and neither of us were worried or bothered. It was great, really nice having a guy who didn’t expect me to drop what I was doing every time he graced me with his attention.

Unfortunately, the last weekend in June I had a Saturday off work so I asked him if he wanted to do something with me. He said yes, as long as he didn’t have to work, and he seemed genuinely excited about the possibility of getting to see me. He lays asphalt for a living, so this time of year is extremely busy for him and even though he’s supposed to have weekends off he often ends up working Saturdays. I manage a boarding stable and organize a sting of highly competitive horses, and I also juggle a part-time job and school. So at this point it had been a few weeks since we’d last seen each other in person. During the week there a few horrendous storms, so my ex ended up having to work on Saturday. I was disappointed of course, but I wasn’t upset until Saturday night when he posted on facebook that he was going to the county fair. I sent him a text asking if he still wanted to see me that night, but he never responded.

For all intents and purposes, I honestly thought he had blown me off and didn’t even care to try and cover it up. I didn’t say anything to him on Sunday, and he never said a word to me. I ended up talking to a friend who usually gives pretty great relationship advice, and she told me he was being a jerk, that I should be angry, and I should call him out on blowing me off. So I did. I sent him a really bitchy text on Monday morning, basically telling him if he hadn’t wanted to hang out with me he should have just said so, and if he’s losing interest in me he could save us both a lot of time and trouble and just tell me that too. He responded about ten minutes later, confused and defensive, saying that he hadn’t blown me off but I could go ahead and believe that if I wanted.

Things went to hell from there. First, I stood my ground and told him if he would have just said something to me on Saturday night, I wouldn’t have thought he was blowing me off. I then apologized for being bitchy. A few hours later he still hadn’t responded to me, so I went into panic mode and things got real bad real fast. I sent him this great long message on facebook trying to explain what had been going through my mind and why I had been so aggressive with him. Unfortunately, I over-did it with the explanation and I gave him a lot of information about past exs and my personal insecurities that he probably didn’t need to know. At the end of the day, I know I looked like a bitchy psychotic freak.

On the advice of a different friend, I waited three days and then tried calling him. I had this nifty little script planned out, that might have actually worked if I would have stuck with it. Instead as soon as I got to his voicemail I got nervous and the message I left probably made me sound like I was having an emotional break down and amounted to me begging him to please just talk to me. He, of course, didn’t respond. Two days later I sent him two more texts – the first begging him to let me apologize properly for being batshit crazy, and the second saying “what have you got to lose by just talking to me?” (I dunno, maybe his sanity?) That night, I found your website and started reading about the no contact thing. I decided to give it a try.

He never tried to contact me, and on the twelfth day I ended up sending him another message on facebook. ‘Cause the day before something really interesting happened to me. I was heading home from the stable, and I somehow got myself involved in a Dukes of Hazzard style car chase. Like, I was sliding down back roads, threw my truck into four-wheel drive and took off across a bean field, and finally lost my stalker when I was able to drive my truck across a creek because it’s a big beast of a machine but the guy chasing me was in a crappy little Ranger that ultimately couldn’t keep up. It was a great story, and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that my ex would enjoy this story. I got home fairly late that night, so I decided to send him a message the next day. Sadly, I didn’t play it cool. Instead of making myself sound awesome, I ended up more or less sending him a message that read “I got into a car chase, made me think of you, made me miss you. Please talk to me again.” … not helpful. At all.

So I started no contact over again. And I know – I need to just give it time and I fully intend on doing so, but I’m still confused about some of my ex’s behaviors. First off, he never unfriended me on facebook. If you broke up with someone and intended to never speak to them again, and they sent you a few obnoxiously desperate messages on facebook, you’d unfriend them right?

In the past he’s had a habit of posting vague statuses about his break ups, but he hasn’t mentioned ours at all. In fact, he hasn’t posted anything on facebook since we broke up but I do know that he’s been online. Is this a good thing for me, a whatever thing? A not so good thing? What do you think?

Also, I still work in the grocery store where we originally met and worked together. Anyway, apparently he’s dropped by the store at least twice in the past week, on days he knows I usually work, at times he knows I usually work. So he’s not avoiding places he knows darn well there’s a possibility he’d see me, and he could easily avoid the store if he wanted. But I’m on day twelve of my second attempt at no contact and he hasn’t reached out to me. He hasn’t acknowledged my existence since June 30th. I can’t help but think he stopped by the store in hopes of seeing me, but if that’s the case why wouldn’t he just text me or something?

admin

July 30, 2014 at 2:46 pm

Honestly you have every right to be upset about him going to that fair… He should make time to see you.

I don’t think you looked psychotic either… just trying to be honest and he couldn’t handle it.
Betsy

July 30, 2014 at 6:04 pm

Well it’s a little more complicated than that. I was more bothered by the lack of communication than anything else. If he had wanted to just spend time with his guy friends I would have understood – at that point it’d been a few weeks since he’d gotten to see them either. Like any girl, I’d love to be the center of his world but I know better than to demand such a thing. He needs time with his friends, with his family, but right now he just doesn’t have any time or energy. I would have been disappointed that I didn’t get to see him, but I would have understood and I wouldn’t have been angry.

He says he didn’t go to the fair and I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. He’s never lied to me before, and one of his friends that did go to the fair posted a bunch of photos and my ex never showed up in any of ’em.

Is there such a thing as being too honest? Because I think I at least did that. Like, I told him about my one and only high school boyfriend who was just a downright nasty and verbally abusive person, and how sometimes I still can’t get all the things he said about me out of my head. I told him about another guy that I had really liked but turns out that guy only wanted to have sex with me, I said no, and he never spoke to me again. Or this one ex who kept calling me by another girl’s name and wanted me to dye my hair so I’d look like the girl he couldn’t have. And I told him how I have a lot of trouble trusting that a guy is genuinely interested in me, and that he’s going to be a nice, sane person. Then I told him how when I thought he was intentionally blowing me off all that blew up in my face and I started questioning that I had completely misread him. And… really, yeah it wasn’t good. I think it was too much, and I’m really afraid that he’s going to decide it’s way too much to deal with at all.
admin

August 4, 2014 at 1:49 pm

Yes there is such a thing as being too honest I think. But really you want to have a relationship where you can take the risk of being too honest and not have them freak out.

Kate

July 29, 2014 at 5:29 pm

hey Chris 😀
I have been waiting for this article for so long!. It’s like each time I read one of your articles, I’d be thinking “but I was way too clingy…and that is why we broke up, he thinks it’s a part of me”, and then this article came. I was a text gnat for a while, I was a shadow for a while, but the biggest problem was the over jealousy, oh my god, it’s like you’re describing me in that paragraph.
After the break-up, my ex and I kept fighting, almost daily, over the same jealousy issue ( I would literally freak out if he was having a simple conversation with a girl), and there were times where he used to actually tell me “you know that I’m not doing anything wrong, you just simply don’t trust me”. I remember I used to act overly insane when he would contact any girl, and gosh I don’t want to be like that anymore!. Anyways, after almost 3 months of fighting, we agreed that we would stop fighting already, because it wasn’t only me, it was also him at times, he would get mean to guys who flirt with me and get really angry (we go to the same college, so..). When we agreed to stop fighting, I realized that I should really stay away, I still wanted him, but nothing I ever did seem to make him want to stick around, not even as just friends, so I stayed away, using a limited contact, because it is impossible to do a no contact period, I would only answer him with a few words when he texted, I made sure that our texts or online messaging were never too long, and in reality there were times when I would just say “hello” and keep walking, but I always did it with an upbeat personality, and he started coming up to me and chatting a little bit every day, he and I have the same sense of humor, so he would be funny and really nice when he would talk to me, he even likes some status that I would post on one of my friends’ walls on facebook (not my status), and sometimes he would comment something funny on my status, but it’s like he’s also on a semi-limited contact too!, because yesterday there was an occasion so I said congratz and stuff, and he was nice, his reply started like “thaaaanks Kaaateee ^_^”, but he didn’t even say something like how you’re doing and stuff.
When we are on campus, I always seem to catch him looking at me, sometimes I can see him observing me, and we share long distance eye contact all the times, and other that he still does seem to look jealous when someone is being flirty with me. (one time we were in a restaurant with a few friends, and there were people that we don’t know, one guy called me this flirty nick name, I didn’t like it, but I didn’t say anything, and I looked over at my ex and he seemed to not even mind it, later on he told me “u let a stranger nickname u -.-“, and then after a while we saw them again, and that guy nicknamed me, so I was like “my name is Kate”, and my ex lightened up (literally)).
I really miss him, like hell. We weren’t only lovers, we were best friends, we trusted each other (well my over jealousy made him feel that I don’t trust him 😛 ), he really was someone special to me, and I want him back. I feel puzzled and confused on how to take baby steps, I know that he’s still single (6 months apart, and he’s still single), but I know that he’s flirting with other girls and is friends again with his ex ( I know he’ll never get back with her because she was the biggest liar + she’s in another country+ different religion and we don’t like playing with that here), it kinds of frustrate me that he’s flirting with other girls,but I guess that wouldn’t get in the way of us getting back together, it’s not like he has a girlfriend or anything.
My question is, I used to be really clingy, it led him to think that we had different values , saying that I don’t trust him, he even forgot how much we truly get along, and how much we have in common, and he also thinks that I never loved him (not true), I just want him to forget all those things and just start with a clean slate with me and hopefully we’ll stay for the long run together. Help?

admin

July 30, 2014 at 2:43 pm

Honestly, I think you just need to work on getting along with him at this point. Get back to the beginning of your relationship where you got along so much.
Kate

July 30, 2014 at 8:25 pm

Should I start on just being nice and then a while later maybe suggest the two of us going out for shooting hoops or something that sounds casual?..like just try to work on our friendship?

Sara

July 29, 2014 at 2:06 pm

Dear Chris,

My boyfriend and I were in a very serious relationship for 2.5 years and making plans to get engaged, when he suddenly out of the blue ended things in December, citing that he was unsure if he was able to be the partner I needed and deserved. I tried to appease his fears, thinking that it was mostly cold feet, but he literally went radiosilent for 6 weeks. We ultimately met in February, which was absolutely amazing, texted through March, and then he went silent again until May (of note, he does this every time he has a big project, will completely shut down and only focus on work … and I, having a very avoidant personality, will just not reach out either).

Then starting in May, he emailed, we began texting, and finally in June, we started seeing each other again. We met 4 times over a 6 week period, and each time, was incredible. We spoke for hours, and it was intimate, honest, and sincere. We spoke about how much we love each other, and how to heal and move forward together from everything that had happened. It felt so wonderful to be spending time together, and working on our relationship again.

About 3 weeks ago, we met, and again had a great time, texted all throughout the following week … and then he just stopped responding to text messages (2) and phone calls (2) which I had spaced out over a week. I don’t think that this constitutes being a gnat and I certainly don’t think anything I said during our last conversation warrants this current shutdown. When we were together last, he was loving and attentive, so this behavior is confusing. He lives with my best friend and her husband (who is his best friend), so I am certain that there is nothing more going on. In fact, the 3 of us had dinner this past weekend, and I purposefully did not bring his name up … but they did and continue to be hopeful about our future together. I do know that there are several major family issues going on, as well as a very hectic work schedule.

While I feel incredibly confident and secure after 6 months of working on becoming an ungettable girl, I can also say that I know, very strongly, how much I love him and want to be with him. Our connection when we are together is just as strong as it was the moment we met. And while I want to respect the fact that he needs space, for whatever reason, I am frustrated that he is shutting down again after all the progress we made, and scared about how long that might last. I feel like he is terrified of hurting me by spending time together, and then not being ready to get married (even though I have told him that I am ok with that)… and so he stays away.

Any suggestions on what to do next other than focus on myself and wait for him to contact me?

Thanks in advance for your thoughts!
Sara
Michelle

July 28, 2014 at 6:35 pm

Hi,

I have read most of your articles and love all the advice. My situation with my ex is a bit different. Here’s the story:

I met my ex a year and a half ago. When I met him he was “seeing” my best friend at the time. Let me stop here and tell you my ex is gay. And my best friend at the time is gay and he’s married. Ok so the start this thing and it ends badly as I knew it would. I had become really close to my ex and I had grown apart from my ex best friend. Soon my ex was my best friend. Things were easy with him. He initiated most contact, loved being around me, told me I was beautiful in a way I actually believed, was kind, affectionate and just great. I loved our friendship! About 4 months into our friendship my ex came to me and said he wanted a different life. He wanted a family and to come back to our religion and he wanted that life with me.

After MUCH thought and prayer I agreed to pursue a romantic relationship with him. At first things were great but about 3 months into it he became distance. He was cold, not affectionate, and dishonest. I will admit that I became more needy. I missed how our relationship was. I was very understanding about the gay issue and that sex and things of that nature were hard for him with me. But that wore on me. I felt unwanted and like ok matter what I did it was never enough. But I was also very much in love with him. He was my best friend and I believed soulmate.

We took a break last September for a couple weeks and then he came back like nothing was wrong and was a little better. I told him that all I needed was honesty. We had a pretty great relationship for the next 3 months. Then things got tense suddenly. We had talked about when we were getting married, he had introduced me to all if his family, we even talked about him living with me in my new apartment. Then I caught him in a big lie. And the fact that I looked into his lie and called him on it made him angry. He basically tried to break up with me via text and then he came over and said he was confused, didn’t know if he could do this and just needed some time to think. He asked if I would give him a day or two. In my gut I knew it was more serious but I agreed. Well he didn’t really take space. He texted me all day like normal. He said he just wanted to be home relaxing but that he would see me the next day.

Under the influence of other people I decided to check up on his story. I sent him a text asking how being home was and he sent back it’s great. Well I was outside his house and he want there. I immediately told him that and he tried to get out of it but the damage was done. Then I made one of the biggest mistakes…I went home and got really really drunk, by myself. I then proceeded to call him like 20 times. This did not go over well and I ended up more hurt and confused. He got angry and pulled away more.

In essence of time I will bullet point things that happened over the next 4 months:

I discovered he had lied a lot to me
I discovered he still had an account on a dating website and he posted a selfie he took outside of couples therapy to it
I discovered he cheated on me
I had a beak down and was really depressed and he came over a few times to sit with me – mostly out of guilt I think
He cut off communication saying I’m not wanting or ready to talk to me
I turned to pills and became very addicted. I went off pills and he tried, begrudgingly to help

Cut to end of last month. I was clean and missing him. It was his birthday and I got him something so he agreed to meet for lunch. I got him a ticket to his favorite place and he asked if I would go with him. Things went well. We were kind and nice to each other. We started texting each other again. We met for more lunches. And in a way I had gotten what I wanted. Him back in my life and us being nice. But I felt it was off. It felt forced and weird. He was still keeping things from me, still seeing the guy he cheated on me with and I was still in love with him. So even though it broke my heart and I didn’t want to, I asked for real space and time with no contact. So here we are 3 1/2 weeks later and I’ve had no contact with him. I’ve been working on me. And while before I’d take him back in a second. I’m rethinking things. And I’m finding that if he can’t be honest and value me then I’m prepared to completely walk away.
My questions to you are:

Am I stupid to still want to be friends?
Will a romantic relationship ever work?
If we can still be friends how do I go about it? After 30 days do I just follow you texting rules?

Any advice or help you have would be great! Thank You!

admin

July 29, 2014 at 2:54 pm

I am a little confused… You want your ex boyfriend back who is gay?
Michelle

July 29, 2014 at 5:47 pm

Well, yes and no. And I believe he is bisexual but thats not the point. I just want my best friend back. I want our friendship back.
admin

July 30, 2014 at 2:47 pm

Right now just focus on rebuilding your emotional mindset before you try to rebuild your relationship
Michelle

July 30, 2014 at 3:50 pm

Thank you for your reply. That is what I have been doing for this month apart. I’m not quite there but I’ve made a lot of progress. I just really miss him.

Lola

July 28, 2014 at 6:19 pm

Hi Chris

Once upon a time I was a text gnat, way too needy etc. I did the no contact thing, changed my ways and haven’t done that since trying to re-connect with my ex. I haven’t had much success and he has only responded to me a couple of times—up beat and friendly but basically goes nowhere which is really frustrated.

Since I started trying with him again, I’d guess I reach out about once a week. But I haven’t made any effort with him in a couple of weeks because I’ve been busy focusing on my own life rather than driving myself nuts trying to figure out what to say that he’ll respond to and I can build off of.

I’m 99% sure I saw him the other day and I’m just as sure that he saw me too and backtracked to double check. I was in a restaurant, he was outside so would have been weird for me to go running out after him and vice versa.

Now I’m wondering: should I reach out and say something like ‘hey think I saw you the other day, sorry I couldn’t say hi, you’re looking really good……’

Or, am I better off to remain silent and see if he reaches out to me or treat it as no-contact round 2?

admin

July 29, 2014 at 2:52 pm

Wait a few days before you do that but I think its worth a shot just to see what happens.

Nadine

July 28, 2014 at 10:01 am

So… a week a go I couldnt take it anymore and ended up confessing to my ex how I felt. I reached out to him because he just wasnt taking any intiative in meeting me to give my things back and said in the end he would just send them. He ended up responding two days later saying exactly why he dedided to break up with me (because I used to judge him and act out in anger instead of understanding, and that alone made him reconsider) and said we never connected. It hurts he said that as he seemed to love me a lot whilst we were together, and why would he stick around for nearly two years?? I’ve accepted it’s over now… I’ve stopped contacing him and I feel like he won’t contact me now either… I’m really hurting :(. Any advice for me on how to cope? I’m sad that I feel like we wont even be friends now… (before we were friendly but I wanted more obviously..)

admin

July 28, 2014 at 2:49 pm

Did you do those things that he said you did?
Nadine

July 29, 2014 at 11:24 am

Yeh I was like that… but not constantly, but toward the end tings did get visibly worse as I’d be even more picky with him suspecting he was hiding things from me (he obvs was as he thought I’d judge him – bit of a viscious circle 🙁 )

Tay

July 28, 2014 at 7:06 am

Hi chris so my ex’s best friend called me the other night he sounded sort of drunk and i dont know who he was with but he immediately just started talking about my ex saying ”he wants to get back together with you” and asking me what i thought and would i say yes etc.. Obviously i was pretty startled by this and just ignroed this and tried changing the subject but he kept insisting on talking about him even going to the point of saying ”he told me he jerks off in the shower over you” and telling me that my ex wanted to have sex with me.. He even told me to text my ex or message him on fb.. (which i of course didnt!) Sort of confused by this random call from him as he is not only my ex’s friend but my friend too. Why do you think he did this just to joke around.. Because over the past few months he has made hints at me about talking to my ex and what not.. Please help why do you think he keeps doing this D:

admin

July 28, 2014 at 2:48 pm

I guess this is a good sign…
Tay

July 30, 2014 at 5:23 am

okay so you said i guess this could be a good sign, but would this be a good sign? Would it mean that my ex might have talked to his friends about me or something

asker

July 26, 2014 at 5:09 am

Hi chris, thx for helping me in my problem. I was a clingy one b4 but after reading these guides, i tried changing myself. My bf never gives me any attention and his every single work comes before me (even if i planned something, he wud cancel it like every single time.). I tried talking to him abt it, but he doesn’t care. I got upset bcoz of his behaviour (and he knws his behaviour is not gud towards me) that i stopped attending his calls and texts for 4-5 days. But den, i started getting msgs of apology. He said, “i m sorry for whtever i did. I promise you that i will change my attitude towards u and i dont want to end dis relation. I miss u so much.” I thought of giving him a chance AGAIN. Though i gave him soooo many chances but nothing worked.
He met me d next day and i told him that i want to spend my time tomorrow wid u as we didnt spoke frm so many days (he actually blocked me for 20 days bcoz of arguement we had). He agreed on meeting me next day. Next day, i made food for him and just b4 meeting me i got a msg dat i cant come bcoz i m going out with my uncle (he came to meet his family, i saw him) I got upset but said “ok. If u can come few hours later, i m ok with it. I cooked fr u.” But he didnt replied. I got angry. He didnt called me d whole day.
Next day, i called him and told a lie dat i m not well (dats his trick. He uses it everytime on me). He came. I had a chat with him abt a day b4. He said he went wid him for his reservation and den they went to meet a relative. I was fine and said ok den meet tomorrow. He said ok i will. But whn i said make sure u dont cancel it, den he said i m going wid him out of town today. I got super duper angry. I mean dere should b a limit of everything. he said he wud cancel it but later sent me a text saying i m in d train, will b bck in a week. I was so disappointed. After 10 days, he called and said i m still dere and may b come in dis week. I didnt contacted him in between. Den he contacted me yesterday. He was still dere. Its been 17 days. I m sooo disappointed.
However dis time i sent him a msg (in a very nice tone) that…. “I never cheated on him, never lied, never did anything wrong. I loved him so much. I tried this relation to work out but he puts everything and everyone b4 me. He never loved me. I m d one who always wait for him and he never comes to me. I did everything to make him happy but he just dont love me back.”
He said “i love u a lot and will always love u till d end.”
I replied, ” if it would be true, u would have been sitting here with me. U would have cancelled dat trip. U promised me dat dis time u will change for me but d very nxt day u cancelled on me and went wid him. U said u will cancel the trip, den said only 1 wk and now its more den 2 wks and u r still dere. U always did everything for u happiness and not for me. Gudbye”.

Never heard anything from him since den. Is he not worried that i m breaking up wid him even whn i love him so much?? I never tried NC. Plz tell me if i go NC after sending these texts, will it work on him.

admin

July 28, 2014 at 2:38 pm

Give me an example of how you said he never gives you attention?
asker

July 29, 2014 at 2:29 pm

By attention i mean, he was never with me whn i fell ill. He left me alone that time. He never did anything i liked, always did what he liked. Lied to me. Called me name. Talked to me only whn he wanted to.

And now, worst part of my life is dat he has joined a job dere. And told me yesterday (whn i called up) that he cant come. Dat means he lied to me whn he said that he will be back in a wk or 2. I was shocked and he said dat he loves me and will b back. He cant work here life long. But he actually lied to me. Ditched me by not telling me anything. It turned into an arguement. He den said dat ye i ditched you and dont want to talk to u. Den he switched off his phn. I tried 3 times, his phn was still off.

Now plz advice me.

Wendy

July 24, 2014 at 8:11 pm

Hi Chris,
20 days into NC, and BTW NC from him. And what I thought was an eternity to wait has now become anxiety about making contact in 10 days.
I find myself still pretty emotional about my situation. I have lost 16 of the 20 lbs. I thought I should lose, swimming every other day, going out with friends/family every chance I get, doing extra work. And yet there is this anxiety.
Any suggestions?

Thanks,

admin

July 25, 2014 at 2:13 pm

The anxiety can only be cured by time…

I know its so tough but keep yourself as occupied as possible.

Nish

July 24, 2014 at 6:10 pm

Hi Chris
You have been so helpful in my case! I used to be a text gnat but my guy asked for time and i gave him a few weeks until i had some good news and told him and he was thrilled and wanted to meet (i had some things at his place)
we had agreed to speak to other people so when we went for lunch he said he ‘may’ have a steady girl (he’s been meeting and speaking to other girls but i did so as well till i realized i like him too much)… he said we wont be able to meet again but we spent the rest of the day, and the next day together and we agreed to keep in touch and talk more
two days later i bump into him and he mumbles at how he always sees me but says nothings wrong so i left it
i havent heard from him in 2 weeks!!!
Granted he has a bad bad and his mum was visiting for a few days a week ago but this is really strange behavior, he has always been vocal if he doesnt want me to talk to him or to stay away… i send messages every few days about funny things or about his back and stuff but i havent freaked out to ask whats wrong… hes still extremely attracted to me I know so I;m so confused about this treatment and what to do now!!!

admin

July 25, 2014 at 1:58 pm

I thikn you need to be aiming for more meaningful conversations.
Nish

July 25, 2014 at 6:05 pm

Well I messaged about FIFA, his mum being here for a visit, my dad being here for a visit, enquiring about his back since he’s in a lot of pain …. Pretty much everything possible
admin

July 28, 2014 at 2:17 pm

And he was pretty responsive when it came to talking about these topics.
Nish

July 30, 2014 at 10:58 pm

No these were topics I used to try and get him to talk to me Again, didn’t work
Nish

July 24, 2014 at 7:54 pm

He was extremely flirty and always complimenting me the entire weekend together, he insisted before we hang out no holding hands, hugging or kissing but was being very normal and usual apart from that!
admin

July 25, 2014 at 2:08 pm

Hmm… its too bad he put the no holding hands, hugging or kissing rules in place.

M.

July 24, 2014 at 6:43 am

My ex is with someone. He’s 25. I’m 27. She’s… 19 or 20. She’s very pretty and… stupid. Few months ago we saw her at the party. She had a boyfriend back then, but she was kissing with someone else. There are high chances that they started dating when we were together. I always got this weird vibe from her, and when she was looking at me I know sth is wrong. Or maybe they started right after us. Even if my ex was “sad the way things ended” or said “never say never” (about getting back together) and felt terribly guilty, about what he did to me. And when I wasn’t talking to him, he was angry/hurt. And he was the one who broke up with me! He was so sensitive and always scared, that someone will dump him for another guy, and he chose someone who was cheating and he saw that? He wanted to have a family and had big plans for us – what plans he has with 19/20 year old girl? He liked that I am so mature, responsible, kind, and that I am good girl :] And he chose immature girl, who uses guys and changes them easily? He said he always chose badly – he was only interested with pretty, but stupid girls. And I was a good choice – I’m pretty and very smart. And he chose another pretty and stupid girl? He said he never changes one girl after another. And now he did!
I forgot about the whole get him back thing, and wrote him a massage on facebook. Nothing mean, just told him that I don’t know what happened to that kind, modest, sensitive, smart guy, which he used to be. Told him I will deleted him, because I need space and can’t even look at him right now. He never posted photos on fb. Now he does :]
But I have to see him today on my dance class.
I guess it’s over, right? There is no rebound from 3 months relationship, right? Guess, he’s lying, horrible human being? I don’t know anything… Why he’s acting like that…
M.

M.

July 24, 2014 at 4:13 pm

Officially… two weeks I think. Or even less.
What do you think about it?
admin

July 24, 2014 at 3:08 pm

How long has he been dating this new girl?

Rina

July 24, 2014 at 1:00 am

This gave me such insight into my clingy behaviors. My ex called me a stalker right after he broke up with me and he’s right. I DID shadow him and I didn’t even realize it until now… For some reason I would just walk into the room he was in (although we did live together in a tiny apartment and I would sometimes go out there just to talk to our roommates ) you know what… I’m starting to think I really wasnt THAT stalker-ish… maybe sometimes, but usually I’d just let him do his own thing and I’d do mine. He never wanted me around our friends or to go on car rides with him T.T Actually, now that I’m writing this… everyone was right… HE was the controlling one… not me… so maybe I havent really gone past the point of no return. ^_^’ if anything, he was a stalker….

admin

July 24, 2014 at 3:06 pm

Interesting… you learned HE was the shadower.
Rina

July 25, 2014 at 10:59 pm

Sigh….Is he even worth taking back if he’s like this?
admin

July 28, 2014 at 2:32 pm

Probably not but that is a question only you can answer.

M

July 23, 2014 at 1:44 pm

Seems like you and I share the same fear and perception of it..I can tottaly feal you. May I ask some things I wonder about; do guys have a certain plan or tactic when it comes to relantionships? Like where to go on a first date,when they’ll invite the girl home etc? and is it a good thing? And also do you think that generally a guy does the same things when he’s in a relantionship or can he be totally different? Like gain weight when in a previous relantionship wanted to look good and thin, don’t post things on fb that shows he’s with someone when in the past he did, and so on? I would be so gratefull if you could tell me your opinion!

admin

July 24, 2014 at 3:06 pm

Some guys do!

However, you have to be careful b/c guys like that tend to be after one thing and it isn;t your brain.

I think guys can change and evolve over relationships but their personality usually remains unchanged.
M

July 25, 2014 at 12:52 pm

At least in my case I can say that he wasn’t after sex..That’s why i’m a bit confused.When i met my ex he wanted to lose weight and he did succeed it,he was looking after himself,he had even posted songs for me on fb..etc.About a month ago it happened and i saw him and had gained a lot of weight,he hadn’t a fancy haircut like before.I know he has a gf(or that was he’s saying) so it seems a bit weird to me..and so I had to ask!I beleive what you say but in that case does this seems normal to you??
M

July 28, 2014 at 7:46 am

??

Taryn

July 23, 2014 at 11:48 am

Great tips!

I wasn’t a total clinger, But I had my moments. I was the text/call gnat just before our breakup. I wasn’t always that way. But it was annoying enough lol. I will change that :]

Thank you for this!

admin

July 24, 2014 at 3:05 pm

Your welcome Taryn!

I am sure you weren’t that bad of a gnat.
Taryn

July 24, 2014 at 3:13 pm

I don’t think I was :]
admin

July 25, 2014 at 1:40 pm

I think Ryan made a mistake letting you go. You seem so dedicated to winning him back. It’s rare to find someone that cares that much about someone.
Taryn

July 25, 2014 at 3:07 pm

He did make a mistake. But he is clouded by stubbornness. And maybe even pride and selfishness. I don’t know. But just want him to give this another chance. We are long distant and I know that plays a huge roll. But I thought about what you said about talking to him at some point about being permanent and I believe I would like to move to California where he is to be closer. But he won’t even let me get that far. He has shown signs of interest… But then he foes back to ignoring me.

I care about him so much. And he knows that. Or maybe he doesn’t. But I try not to obeys about it all. I will not give up on him. He means so much to me. And we have so much potential that it’s crazy. We are perfect for each other. In my mind. He’s always thought I was perfect for him.

Blahhhh But okay. I will read your other comment and email you hehe

I love him. That is all.
admin

July 28, 2014 at 1:45 pm

It’s really a bummer b/c usually it should be the guy that sparks those types of permanent talks. Nevertheless, I think the key for LDR to work is that aspect that both people work to find a permanent solution.
Taryn

July 28, 2014 at 5:01 pm

Yes I agree. And Ryan had brought up things like that first.
Taryn

July 29, 2014 at 1:53 am

I completely understand how LDRs work. I know that both people need to do things. And he would. Right now he is silent again. But I can get through this.

I have faith and so much hope. I won’t give up on him Hehe. I will figure out what to do next.

Thank you

:]
Taryn

July 29, 2014 at 4:55 pm

Ps. Ryan just texted me all on his own :]
admin

July 30, 2014 at 2:04 pm

That’s great news!!!

Lola

July 23, 2014 at 4:29 am

Thanks for this Chris!

Any advice on what to stay when reconnecting with an ex after being needy? Is it a good idea or a bad idea to apologize and say ‘hey, I thought about it and I realized I realize I was really X. I’m really sorry but I’ve learned my lesson and I hope we can start over?’

admin

July 24, 2014 at 3:04 pm

No apologies. It’s better to jsut let your actions do the talking.
Lola

July 24, 2014 at 9:05 pm

Thanks Chris

Also, can you do a post on how to fix things after being overly mistrustful/how to show someone you trust them?

Your article on how to get an ex to trust you again was great but part of my problem is that I frequently complained to my ex that I couldn’t trust him and tended to be suspicious of his motives even though he did nothing to deserve that. I struggle with trust issues that have nothing to do with him but ended up being completely unfair to him as a result until he eventually got fed up of the accusations.
admin

July 25, 2014 at 2:17 pm

I have wrote a post on gaining trust back you might want to check it out.

Maddie

July 22, 2014 at 8:51 pm

Hi,

My boyfriend and I broke up about 3 months ago after being together for just 14 weeks. He told me that the really, really strong feelings were not there yet, but he liked me a whole lot and told me that we fit well together, but he had to make a choice in the end, so that we wouldn’t be hurt if we went further on and things turned out badly…(this exact thing happened with his exes as well…is he suffering from “the grass is greener syndrome?”…that when the “honeymoon” phase is over, he’s not feeling so excited anymore and needs to try something new?). Things were going great, and we spent almost every day together, and suddenly out of the blue he announces that, after we had spent one hell of a good weekend in a wedding that we need to take a break, because he does not know what to do, what to think, or what to feel about us…but specified, “but only for a week” and then kissed and hugged me like there was no tomorrow…

I personally think that I wasn’t clingy. I wasn’t texting him 24/7. And I am not bad looking either..(not to sound conceited!). I am though a bit unsure about myself, and maybe not so, I don’t know, “aggressive”, or taking the initiative to things…
Yes, I spent most my evenings and nights at his place, but he asked me to as well, so that wasn’t all on me..He even introduced me to his family after just 2 weeks together.
I think a reason that the relationship went south is that it progressed too quickly, we almost lived together after a few weeks, went on weekly dinners at his parents house, talked about the future on a shallow level etc. Another thing is that we were both not too good at communicating on a deeper level though…I told him this, but he just replied “yeah, but it could still have worked….”

Things he say contradicts with the things he does, and vice versa. I think he’s just confused (he have actually told me that he really is confused, and does not know what he want …this applies to other aspect of his life as well, like schools and jobs…(he tried one major, quit, took a job, went back to school, job, school, job, school and now job…)

I was stupid enough to just sit nimble by when he broke it off, and I agreed on everything he said even though I strongly disagreed…I was so, so hurt and numbed. And shocked! He even suggested that we could still be friends…that if I ever needed someone to talk to, I could just call him…

I of course, unhappy, sad, and hurt went on the internet the minute I came home to search for any advice on how to deal with a heartbreak of the worse kind. I stumbled upon your site and read all your posts, not once, but twice! I tried the NC for about 5 weeks, and we ended up texting back and forth for an hour. (I iniciated the txt after your “recipe” ). Then I heard nothing for 3 weeks, so I tried yet again with a text, and he answered and we talked. Another few weeks went by, and he contacted me this time…we talked for two hours, and it felt like nothing had changed. Well, until he suggested that I should just jump right into the dating scene again, “no time to waste”, and that I deserve to feel good and that I am quite the catch etc… Seriously?! God, that man makes me so confused. I also, (still being friends on Facebook…yeah, I know…) have noticed that he’s made a new female friend, and by his activity, I am thinking that there may be something going on there. The worse thing is that she looks kinda like me. And that hurts..I am really at a loss on what to do. Please, any advice? Any at all? I really don’t know what to do. I love him so much that its becoming redicilous…

I am now however at a much better place, both physical and mentally….I have followed your advice, and not let myself “fall”….and I really think that my ex and I have a shot, or a potential if he just will let us have that second chance…but he is one stubborn man….

I also want to tell you, wether you read this or not, that thanks to your page, I have become much more sure, and feel much better about myself now. It have also made me see things and think about things in a new, and better way. And I am so grateful that you take your time to try and help, as many as you can, and as best as you can.

admin

July 24, 2014 at 3:04 pm

Your welcome.

With your attitude I have to say I am really impressed and think you have a shot as well.
Maddie

July 26, 2014 at 11:45 am

Just a little update: I sent him a message two days ago and told him that I thought it was nice that we could still remain friends and talk and stuff. He agreed. And today I spoke with him again. I asked about his plans for the weekend and when he said he had no plans tomorrow, I worked up the courage to casually ask him if we should take a walk and talk as I had an errand in the city. He said yes!

So this is my chance! But, no matter what happens, I’ll know I’ve done my best.

Thank you, again for all your encouraging posts! They have been a real help.

Now I just have to do my best tomorrow!
Maddie

July 26, 2014 at 11:46 am

Oh, any last advices? 🙂
admin

July 28, 2014 at 2:40 pm

Just be yourself and focus on having a good time.

Thats the best advice I can give you!
Maddie

July 28, 2014 at 6:27 pm

I/we had a great time until he told me he had started dating another girl. He had been on a lunch date with her last week, and now had another one with her this coming week/weekend…I got totally friend-zoned! He was talking about it so lightly, like I was one of his best buddies..though he did look at me straight when he said it, to see my reaction maybe? I don’t know. For me however it felt like being stabbed in the heart and having the knife twisted around. I think I actually told him “oh, thats great”…and then he was all over how I had been doing in that department…which I tried to stay clear off as good as I could.

The “date” we went on was a walk in the park near where he lives, so we met up at his place ( I got a good long hug), and then we walked and talked for about half and hour, carefree, laughing and joking, until he realized he’d forgotten his phone and we had to go back and get it (he was on call, so he needed it). I thought that it was just an excuse from his side, so I prepared myself to say goodbye when we came back to his building. But he told me we could walk some more as he wanted to see the new place I just bought and we did. But when I was leaving (we were back at his place just having some water), he became distant and weird, and closed up, like he always do when we set foot in that apartment. Whats the deal with that? So I just told him it was nice meeting up, had a great time and bye!

I’m getting such mix signals from that guy!

God…

I feel like its just over, and that I need to move on, because what else can I actually do? I think I’ve tried everything there is to do…

But meeting up with him again, and actually see that we were able to get so along, only made me realize how much I still care and love him so much, even though when he told me he’d started dating again, I wanted to knee him in the goods and slap his gorgeous face.

Did I perhaps wait too long? our NC was 5 weeks, and we talk once a week after that, and then he went on a long business trip for several weeks, and when he came back he’d started seeing this girl..which he met online..

God, now I’m just second guessing myself again…and I don’t want that!

Sorry, for “spamming” your comment section. I just have to get these thoughts and feelings out..
Maddie

July 31, 2014 at 1:46 pm

I haven’t spoken with him since the “date” on Sunday..I think I just needed some time to collect my thoughts and emotions over the fact that he had started dating again. I didn’t want to say something rash and ruin everything that I’ve tried to build for so long.

But now I’m just at a loss on what to do. What on earth shall I text him without sounding like I’m just “trying” too hard, or talking just to talk?

I truly want him back, and I really think that we did have something special that could only grow into something wonderful if he just had let it and stopped second guessing himself all the time. He have told me whenever his mind get set on something he finds it hard to switch out from that line of thinking…which he told me when he broke up.
He first took it up a few weeks before the break up (that he was unsure about where this were going and what he was feeling), and we talked about it, and then everything seemed fine and back to normal. But then he couldn’t get his head around his doubt because that was all he was focusing on, so he kept shutting me out and in the end it just came to a point where he had to make a decision…

My friends and family keeps telling me to move on and forget about him, but I find it so hard. All I picture is him and his new date, and what they might be doing etc. I know its awful, and self-destructive thinking that way..

I want to move on, and I am trying. But still he holds such a big part of my heart. I don’t even think he knows just how much he meant to me. And I feel like thats one of the biggest issue in me trying to let go…because all I think about is, why did I just sit there agreeing to him tellings us that we could still be friends and that was all just okay that he broke up with me like all I could see us as was just friends as well? Why didn’t I scream at him, or kick him, or something?

I do feel like trying a bit more…though I am at a loss on what to do or try.
Its not over until its really over? Right? I don’t wanna regret that I just sat nimble by, letting the love of my life slip through my fingers and into another girls hands.

But how on earth can I do just that? As I have told you, I have tried initiating contact, and he do text me back whenever I do. I am trying to build attraction through using fond memories and such. I even think I look better than when we got together too. But I am running out of things to actually say to him, without loosing it, and proclaiming my never ending love to him…

I kind of want to write him that i had fun on sunday and that it felt easy to see him again and talk with him again or something along those lines. But, since its now have been almost 5 days since, it kinda sounds, i dont know, like im trying to hard or something? And im also afraid that he will right out tell me that he’s now dating someone, and that its becoming serious and that he cant stay in contact with me anymore…Any idea how I can turn the message into something that he can respond well to?

Oh god, I think I just got put ten steps back after seeing him last week…I who was finally feeling so great about myself in so long…I don’t wanna be back to where I started.

I really hope you will find time to help me with this last thing.
admin

August 4, 2014 at 2:20 pm

Hes dating someone else offically now?
Maddie

August 4, 2014 at 9:35 pm

I don’t really think so, he’s been on 2, maybe 3 dates with her, but im not quite sure… I haven’t talked with him since last week.

Sheryl

July 22, 2014 at 7:47 pm

Dear Chris: It’s nice to e-meet you. My friend recommended your techniques to help me draw in this challenging guy. I wanted to touch base with you because my story is very different than your typical clients because my friend and I have never dated. So we have never broken up and we have never had a fight or anything. Our friendship is good –what I want is out of the “friend-zone”.

Synopsis / History: David and I met over 12 years ago via a video game. Before I met David, I was (unhappily) married but never made that apparent in the game. I befriended a young guy, Zack, who was born without arms. He brought David into the server and that’s where we met (David is Zack’s physical therapist). I spent time chatting (on the phone as well as on Yahoo Conference) with David and he filled in where I was lacking. David knew I was married and we NEVER crossed any boundaries – he was just interested in knowing the ins/outs of my day and we shared our lives daily.

Fast forward to November 2007, I learn my husband had an affair with his ex while I was on a business trip and the marriage dissolved. I thought I’d leave all our online friends behind as well. But Brad was also a friend in the gaming world who, when learned of my upcoming divorce, came on full speed ahead. I ended up dating Brad and falling madly in love! Brad was so insecure of David and requested I cut him off. I couldn’t fully for some reason, so I placed an emotional boundary instead. David then asked “are you dating anyone?” I pouted on the other line (literally, not lying) and said, “yes I am” and told him about Brad. He wished me luck and we drifted apart for a bit. Then, when Brad broke up with me in July 2010, I texted David and said “Hey! It’s been awhile and I hope you’re well. I’m going through a breakup and this one is rough”. David immediately responded and lifted me up. He said how wonderful I was and that any man would be lucky to have me as their gal when I was ready to start dating again. He checked in for support periodically and our friendship kicked off again.

(Oh I forgot to mention that David has never been married. He was cheated on before they made it to the alter). I waited for David to ask me out but he was sort of seeing this girl that Zack knew. Also, I had another guy who was in full pursuit (Corey) and we started a committed relationship. David asked me again if I was dating. I then told him about Corey. What sucked is I knew Corey and I weren’t going to last and I was preparing to break up with him. Still, this was April 2013. So I texted David about the break up and said, “hey you! I’m going through another breakup but this one doesn’t hurt as bad”. He responded instantly again and said, “Sher (that’s what he calls me). I don’t understand. For as long as we have known each other – I have found you so amazing.” Our friendship kicks off again.

Then in June 2013, we start flirting (woohoo). We have an inside joke using cupcakes and I started to ask “umm, are still talking about cupcakes here”. He said, “no clue”. Well keep fast forwarding to November 2013, and I used the cupcake to lure him into a meeting.

I have a friend who lives in his area and we planned a meet up. David invited Zack to accompany us and it was perfect! I’m so happy Zack was there, because I had met him once before and so if David was not all I hoped, he would be good buffer. So I put my favorite sweater on, of course. Looking amazing! I gave myself a pep talk in the mirror to help calm my nerves. I met a guy at a restaurant the night before so I used that thought to maintain my confidence. When I came out of the stairwell, he was there with Zack and handsome as ever. Better than his pictures.

Well on the way out, the hotel lobby guy (whom I also had a nice chat with) said, “you guys have a great time”. David said, “he is so nice. As soon as we walked in, he went on and on about you.” I said, “Really?!” Zack said, “oh yeah. He said, you guys must be here for that beautiful girl from Atlanta”. David then added “I told him that you were easy to talk to so I’m not surprised he got to know you”.

Wow!

So he takes us to a movie and the conversation was so easy. He sat on my right, Zack on my left. Then afterwards, David asked what was for lunch and I said I wanted a hamburger. Zack said, “well there’s a McDonald’s down the road”. To which I said, “eww Zack – not a chance”. David laughed and asked where I wanted to go and I said I’d like to go to Longhorn. He then answered “but you were just there last night”. I quickly said, “yes David but I can eat there EVERY – day!” But I thought he wouldn’t have known that if he didn’t check my Facebook .

Ok, so lunch was AWESOME! Zack sat across from us. David was to my left. But I didn’t read too much into that, just thought he picked that seat because he’s left-handed. At one point, Zack had left the booth to say hi to a friend. David kept going on and on about looking like a pig in front of me. He also kept saying he was sorry he had to cut the evening short (due to a funeral). I told him it was fine and I understood. Then the most exciting thing happened…

He said, looking at me, “Sher, I really would like more time. If I did, I would ….”

But we were interrupted by Zack who popped back in the booth! GAR! And to this day I have no idea what he was going to say but I feel it would have been GREAT!

So they drove me back to my hotel and followed me to my room for more conversations and cupcakes. They ended up staying over the time they needed to leave. The goodbye hug from David lasted so long that when I let go of him, he was holding me so tightly. I felt his hands pressing in my back and I thought, “wow, I’m being held…”

Since then, we had been building more regular communication. More supportive communication. Then I accidently sent a text that was meant for Taryn to David that said, “Yeah, my mom thinks I’m getting close to David also due to do the increase in messaging. I know he’s going through a hard time but I can’t help but feel close to him”. As you can imagine I was mortified. I pretended that didn’t happen and got super busy. Did some NC for a while and have since started building texting again.

Where we are now is back to the early stages where he responds to some, but not all, messages. I’d love very much to hook him in for good!

Some personal details : I live in Atlanta Georgia, he lives in Logan West Virginia. He’s 42 never married. I’m still casually dating a few guys as well. I’ll be 43 in Aug, divorced since 2008. Been single since April 2013. It’s been 1 day since I last texted David, with no response. I plan to not reach out for at least a week, maybe two. I understand dating a guy in his 40s is WAY different that a guy in his 20s. David’s life is surrounded by Church, work (and lots of work), family and friends. My life is busy with Church, family/friends, work, and marking things off my list.

Ok, sorry it’s long. Any suggestions?! I have your e-book and plan to read it tonight

admin

July 24, 2014 at 3:03 pm

Would you classify this as a long distance type of thing?
Taryn

July 24, 2014 at 3:25 pm

Haha I’m the friend who recommended Sheryl talk to you. And Yes. It is long distance for them.
admin

July 25, 2014 at 1:43 pm

Thats AWESOME!

I think the distance definitely has to be a factor that preventing him from taking the full step into the relationship.
Sheryl

July 28, 2014 at 11:57 am

Thank you for responding Chris 🙂 Even though this is a LDR situation, I am willing to relocate and I travel there frequently to visit a girlfriend (who lives a few hours away from him). Meanwhile, any fun communication tips you suggest we can use?

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