When, How And If You Should Apologize To Your Ex Boyfriend

107 thoughts on “Should You Ever Apologize To Your Ex Boyfriend?”

Han (Ann)

October 16, 2018 at 3:30 pm

Hi Chris. I’m 23 years old and I’m from Vietnam, an Eastern country. I’m here to ask for your help in fixing my long-distance relationship. I’ve broken up with a Swiss guy for about 2 weeks, I had a small talk with my friend about this but I still feel confused. So I’m here and hope to have your advice for my problem.

The guy I am talking about is 31 years old and he is an accountant at a trust bank in Switzerland. We knew each other via a chat site, then became friends on Facebook. At the very first time we talked, he shared that he had a plan to come to visit Asia as a tourist, but when he talked about sex, I did not like it so I ignored him then (well… coz I’m from Eastern culture).

I had totally forgotten it, til May, when I felt it was a bit… weird that we were in our Facebook contact but we did not communicate, so I started to talk to him, as a friend, then I knew that he was planning to visit South East Asia, also Vietnam, on Aug or Sep. As a Vietnamese friend of his, I helped him in everything for his trip, such as collecting information of where he could visit and stay, also tips to travel here, etc. Then suddenly he told me to be his girlfriend (though text, anyway: “Be my gf”). When I was going to deny, suddenly I thought: “Why don’t I give myself a chance?”, so I accepted. However, I did not let my hope up much in this relationship, and thank to this, I am not really hurt much now.

Since that time, beside collecting information for his trip together, we started to learn about each other, we shared photos too. He usually talked about sex, I am not interested in sex much like him, but since I felt that he just shared to see how my opinion was about it and never went further, I started to feel more comfortable and liked him. We could not talk to each other much, except on weekend, but when we talked, it was usually about his preparation for the trip.

The nearer the day that he started his trip came, the less we talked. We just could talk on weekend, when we both had free time, because he was trying to complete his work and preparation before the trip. However, I could not understand why though he was going to start his trip, he still could not know where to stay, then I had to help him to find. Even, when we met in Vietnam, he also did not know where he could go the next day.

Finally, he was in the North of Vietnam to join a running event, I was a bit worried for him so I usually sent him message, not to control him, just to make sure he was fine…. But maybe I sent too much messages, I guess… I don’t know… (because he usually ignored my messages so I hardly could know what was on his mind).

Then, when he was in Ho Chi Minh City, it was really difficult to choose a day for us to meet up, since it rained everyday. After a day to discuss, finally we got a deal for our meeting time, I accepted his choice of time.

When we met, I was so shy and nervous so I could not say anything to him at first 🙁 I took him to visit a war museum, because he had asked me sometimes about the Vietnam war via chat when he was in Switzerland. When we were in taxi, I tried a lot to ask him some general questions, for example: “Have you visited anywhere in HCMC yet?”, “How was the trip in Hanoi?”, etc, but he answered with tiredness, without good focus right on what I asked, he even usually yawned, so I felt sooooo confused, even wondered if the meeting time was not fine for him and made him tired (though he chose it, not me). Therefore, after asking some questions, I felt that he did not want to talk, so I did not want to ask him anymore… And… another thing, during our conversation, he asked me why I had a day off to go with him, I just said: “I am a fresh graduate of a university and I am still finding jobs” (It was just a way to make the joblessness of a freshman like me sound less serious than it really is….).

When we were in the museum, we did not talk much also. I thought we could go, read information, that was enough, so I did not say anything to him….

Then we went to meet my cousin at her company, she is just 1 year older than him. When we reached there, he told me that he was thirsty, I gave him my bottle of water but he refused, so we went to a bar near the company. After a while, my cousin came, because it was the first time that they had met, so I let them talked more to each other to make friends. When my cousin asked him how he felt about me, he said that I was quite silent, I just smiled and thought: “I tried to talk to you, but you denied, what could I do??”. Then my cousin just paid money for his water, because things at the bar where we were in are a bit expensive, he looked at me with a surprised eyes as if he asked me why, but I just said awkwardly: “I’m ok”. Deep inside me, I suddenly had a bad feeling about our relationship and this meeting….

Since the time we went to meet my cousin, and especially since when we had dinner, he seemed to feel better and started talking more. But… just him and my cousin talked to each other only, I could not talk much, unfortunately…. I felt like I was “got rid of” their conversation and I was definitely uncomfortable. And when we said goodbye, suddenly I felt missing him, then I hugged him 2 times @.@ Is it weird, Chris?

On the way to go home, due to what happened in that meeting day, my cousin commented that this guy was still as a youngster, not a real man, though he is over 30, he was a bit careless too, and a bit lacks of politeness, due to some small things he had done when we had been together . My cousin has a Dutch friend, he is such a gentleman and mature, not like this guy (as what she said). When I reached home, I texted him a bit and asked him what he felt about me. Personally, I do not think it was an improper question, do you think it is an improper question, Chris?… Well, he just said “You’re nice, you’re like in camera (means i’m not a cheater), etc”. Infact, you know, I had had a lot of things in my mind that I wanted to tell him, but since my cousin went with us, I could not say anything at all. Moreover, after the meeting, I felt there was something…..awkward…… I don’t know… but I felt the meeting was so….. not fine… I don’t know which word can be used to describe, but in a word, I felt it was not the meeting that I had hoped to have…

I also told him about that feeling of mine, he just said “it’s ok, it’s nice”, bla bla as he usually said, nothing else.

The following day, he went to Manila (Philippines), I tried to send him message, but he did not answer, I had not known anything until when he said “no wifi here”, then I realized why we could not talk well 🙁 Plus, stupidly, not only didn’t I say sorry but also had told him that I felt he did not want to talk to me anymore, and I said bye and breakup stuff (before when he said about the limited wifi problem), I think because the confused feeling which I had from the meeting day was still inside me:( I asked him if he came back to HCMC, he said no because he did not like it much and no one spoke English, then I asked him why with a seriocomic way and said it might be because of me (because I also felt myself so boring in our meeting day), he said no. Then, finally, when I asked about our relationship, he just kept silent and then said “sorry will be cut off”, I guess it means “break up”, am I right? (Sorry I’m not really good in English) …. And it was the last message I had from him. In spite of how much I asked him repeatedly if he was sure to end up our relationship (I know this was a stupid thing that I did), he just kept silent.

I feel I was so stupid when I said break-up stuff like that and I wish I could get him back, but I do not know what I can do…. I read some information on your website to find a way to fix my problem (if it is possible), and I’m implementing the No Contact Rule right after my break-up, but…. I still feel so confused. One of my cousin came to visit me, and after listening to my problem, she said that I had no way to be back to him because I was the one who had said about breaking-up stuff first…. I really do not know what to do… I wish I could be back to that day then I could fixed every mistake, also would not say those mean things to him and would not text him too much like that… Other people tell me to delete him on Facebook, forget him, bla bla, but I feel it is so childish to do that, while he still does not do anything. I really do not know what I should do now…. (Even, some days after saying bye, unintentionally, I pressed the button “hi” to him, just by accident, I do not know if he has anything in his mind, I hope no). 3 days before, after about 2 weeks no contact, I sent him message: “Hi (his name), it’s me , Han from Vietnam. How are you going? I want to be sorry for improper things I said to you during the time you were in Philippines”, I know for sure that he saw that message but still kept silent. And now, I don’t know what I should do next in this situation, please help me.

Thank you.

Chris Seiter

October 17, 2018 at 1:03 am

Hi Ann!

Thank you for sharing your story. IF you are feeling confused about how all this works, then it would serve you to pick up my 485 page eBook, “The No Contact Rule Book” as it serves as blueprint and Companion Guide helping you throughout the process. Just go to my home page to see the resources available to you!

Amanda

September 14, 2018 at 7:19 am

Hi Chris, any advice with how to move forward would be wonderful! Are you ready? I dated a guy for 2 years (he struggled with commitment from past hurts) after much patience on my part we finally had reached a place of common ground and heading toward committing. I showed up at his home after a night out with friends (drunk) saying things out of anger and not thinking clearly – I was a disaster. He told me to leave in the morning. I messaged an apology because I really was put of lone and he saw a side of me that isnt really true to who I am. He never responded to me but blocked me on social media, I’m not sure if he blocked my # but I dont think so. However it has been 6 months and I’d like to attempt to reconnect. How though? The only Avenue I have is to have a friend message him, or show up at his home and genuinely try reach out (is that psycho tho – they do it in movies Haha- before cell phones!!).
I’ve read you e-book. I’ve done no contact, I’ve reached out through text, he was very upset with me…… help me?

Chris Seiter

September 17, 2018 at 9:48 pm

Hi Amanda!

yes…probably not a good idea to show up at his place….ummmmm…message in the bottle!

Cindy

September 9, 2018 at 10:38 pm

I was an asshole to my ex during the relationship by being needy,insecure and jealous. I apologized a lot after the breakup but he didn’t listen to me,he said it’s over.Then I did 2 months of no contact and texted him with a memory text and an apology text.But he did not reply.What should I do now? I want him back

Chris Seiter

September 10, 2018 at 2:04 am

Hi Cindy…I am quite sure that your ex was far from perfect. So put behind you whatever mistakes you feel you made and point to the future with a ex back plan in mind. If he not been responsive to your memory text….wait a few days and try another type of text. No one knows the future and his it will turn out, but you should exhaust all the reasonable tactics I talk about in my program.

Barb

August 5, 2018 at 6:42 pm

I was needy and complained a lot that he’s not giving me enough attention (which now after a month of NC I see wasn’t the case. He was trying he’s best). I think I made him feel bad and he pulled away. Then I said some harsh words during break up. Should I apologize or will I look even more needy. I do want him back but I know it might not happen but I also see my mistakes after some time apart.

Chris Seiter

August 5, 2018 at 10:37 pm

Hi Barb!

we all make mistakes arouond breakups. Bad words and actions unforunately happen on both sides, but the key is learning from it and you have turned that corner. I would suggest you follow my program guidelines for how to initiate the first contact message. Probably best not to lead with an apology. First try to open up the communication lines in the manner I describe….then later you can extend you apologies. I am sure he made mistakes too. Feel free to check out my home page for info about the tools and resources I make available.

Sandra

August 2, 2018 at 11:45 pm

I text him the apology but no response. How do i recover from that. We had good communication before that going on. Now it stopped.

Chris Seiter

August 3, 2018 at 12:09 am

Very Normal Sandra..just follow my program in my eBook that helps with not just coping with these little setbacks but planning ahead.

Sarah

July 31, 2018 at 3:35 am

Thanks Chris,
Total friend energy from him. Didn’t feel right to apologize. I think he’s totally over it.

He did wear the shirt I got him for his bday and was dressed nicer like he used to on our dates. No cologne. He smiled big as he walked up. Great convo, lots of laughs as usual. Nice one-armed hugs hello and goodbye. He took me up on doing something this Sunday. Is a almost yes to something the weekend after. He’s taking that week off and he’s not sure if he’ll stay home or go somewhere. So no “urgency there” to be with me. He graciously declined my offer to be a training buddy for his upcoming marathon in October, saying he needs to learn to motivate himself. I think I have a really great friend here… zero sexual energy coming toward me. But much warmth, care and joy, and a comfort level of being together… no awkwardness… disagreeable was… and also no sense that he’s “holding back” no gaurding himself, no mixed messages.

I think I need to accept that he only has feelings as a good friend for me and let go of any notion of us being together.

Have you any experience of this kinda thing turning into a romantic relationship?

Chris Seiter

July 31, 2018 at 4:00 am

Yes…..these things go morph into more intimate interactions over time.

Sarah

July 30, 2018 at 4:45 pm

Thank you, Chris. Appreciate you.
how does this sound?
“hey, i need to say something to you and I’m not trying to rehash the past… I just want to say i’m sorry for how things went down between us. I played our first months over in my mind, from your perspective, and I want you to know I would have felt the same way and made the same decision. You were perfect and amazing, and I was the hot mess caught up in fear and confusion. I’m sorry for hurting you.”

Chris Seiter

July 31, 2018 at 12:53 am

I think this works…maybe shorten it up a tad. Don’t tell him he was perfect and amazaing. I am sure he was not. Just tell him he is a special one.

Sarah

July 30, 2018 at 2:33 pm

Hi Chris – I’m having trouble posting a comment. Posted one earlier today and it’s gone missing. Just tried to post again and it says, “duplicate comment.”

Chris Seiter

July 30, 2018 at 3:53 pm

I will keep an eye out for your comment!

Sarah

July 30, 2018 at 2:32 pm

Hi Chris,
I posted around 1am earlier but my post is gone.
I’m going on my 3rd outing with my ex later this afternoon and am requesting advice on whether or not to apologize for the hurt I caused him during our 5 months of dating.

Its been 7 weeks since we reconnected after 30 days NC. In the past 3 weeks we’ve gone out twice – last week and the week prior, spending FULL DAY’S together. Lots of laughter, great conversation, and on our last outing he initiated taking pictures! We are definitely on the path to a great friendship and I’m fairly optimistic it can become more.

However he still doesn’t initiate texting or our outings and he is still pretty guarded. I’m not sure if he has strong feelings and he’s holding back due to lack of trust OR if he just ONLY has friend feelings for me.

I feel terribly about the hurt I caused him. Our “breakup” is truly my fault. Because of my behaviors and things I said, he believes I am untrustworthy, that I betrayed his trust and was reckless with his heart. And, he is essentially right although technically he isn’t. I did behave inappropriately and I really hurt him. I was wrong.

It’s in my nature to apologize when I hurt someone. I want to tell him that he was perfect and did everything right while we were dating. I want to tell him that I’ve replayed our first 5 months, with roles reversed, and I would have responded/felt/decided the same way he did. I want to say I’m sorry for hurting him.

I want to sincerely apologize later this afternoon for hurting him but I’m terrified. Is it too soon? Could it push him away?

Can you help me decide?

Chris Seiter

July 30, 2018 at 3:56 pm

Hi Sarah….i found your comment!

Probably best to offer those thoughts to him in person. No need to be terrified. Just be you and be honest, but don’t go on about it too much. You want your encounters with him to be remembered in a positive way and you don’t want him dwelling on the past. I suspect he already knows you are very sorry about how things worked out.

Sarah

July 30, 2018 at 8:04 am

Hi Chris… Sarah here. I need some advise, Please.

Things are going fairly well w my ex. It’s been 6 weeks since initial reconnection after a month of NC. We’ve gone out twice on all-day outings very much like when we were dating. On our last one, he even initiated taking pictures of each other (individually.)

I get mostly friend energy from him while we are together and he never initiates texts or scheduling our next outing. But we laugh a lot, have great conversation, he opens my car door, pays for almost everything… He is definitely still gaurded though yet I can feel he cares a great deal for me and enjoys being together very much. I am somewhat optimistic…

Our next (3rd) outing is later this afternoon. It’s our third time seeing each other in 3 weeks. Movie, a stroll through town and then dinner.

Lately, I’ve realized that I never apologized for the hurt I caused leading to our breakup… I never validated his experience. Although we were very good to one another during the breakup (no name calling or arguing or blaming) I did express the red flags I had during our dating that led to my not feeling ready to be exclusive. There’s more to this but I also betrayed his trust by hanging out with my guy friends and being rather elusive at times during our dating of 5 months, leading him to conclude I had been dating others. We had never discussed being exclusive, he assumed it… yet my behaviors and his absolutely indicated that we were. I was so caught up in my fears blah blah blah. Chris… I was a complete idiot.

I want to apologize to him tomorrow at dinner… I want to acknowledge his experience, that if the roles were reversed I would have responded the same as he did, assumed we were exclusive too, and I would have also made the difficult decision I caused him to make. I want to tell him he was perfect… did nothing wrong, and I was the hot mess caught up in my fear and confusion. I want to apologize to him for the hurt I caused him.

I want to do this but I’m terrified! Is it too soon? Will it bring up the negative stuff? We are on path to a great friendship, I truly desire that it can become more… I believe with time it could… I’m not sure if my apology is the right timing… even if it’s sincere and in my nature to do so… this is really eating at me. I am so ashamed I hurt this man’s heart.

I don’t know what to do.

Chris Seiter

July 30, 2018 at 4:08 pm

Hi Sarah…I answered this earlier. But dont be ashamed for hurting his heart. Relationships are two way streets and everybody makes mistakes…not just you. Its learning from your mistakes that should be the focus. Look forward….not backward.

Anon Girl 2018

March 20, 2018 at 7:35 pm

I think I’m just in a really confusing position. We weren’t in a relationship. At first we were going on “dates” and he was so in to me. And then two weeks in I asked him what we were doing and he said “I’m not prepared for a relationship right now”. I told him I didn’t think I wanted to stick around while he figured that out. He goes “Ye. I get it. Maybe in the future or in another life we can be together.”

Well this set me off. His words and behaviors were so different and I was addicted to him for some odd reason. I ended up coming back. I don’t know if I was hoping he would change his mind or what but things started getting more intense. But then I caught him flirting with a girl while we were supposed to be “hanging out” as he called them (as they were no longer dates as he called them before).

I got insanely jealous and he just smirked while we argued. I kept saying, don’t ask me to “hang out” if you’re going to flirt with other women, just go do that on your own without inviting me out with you. He just kept saying “but we aren’t in a relationship we can flirt with who we want in front of each other” with this annoying smirk on his face. Well it didn’t matter because we ended up making out in his car when he took me home.

I apologized the next day for acting out. *rolls eyes*

The next time we “hung out” he told me “I’m not going to flirt with anyone in your face just so you know” and he didn’t. This was the night we ended up having sex.

After that I got intensely emotionally connected to him. Although he said he wasn’t prepared for a relationship he also told me he wanted an “emotional, mental and physical connection with me that was undefined by monogamy”.

He told me once “you are mine, you belong to me.” But when I said “that means you’re mine also” he goes “no i can do what I want but YOU belong only to me.”

He started to get envious of men I talked to when they were all platonic.

I messaged him about it saying it was unfair and possessive and he changed his tune and said “you are allowed to do whatever you want with whoever just be safe.”

It annoyed me. I WANTED to be his but i also wanted him to be MINE. I just went with it.

The last times we hung out he had this deep conversation with a guy friend the whole night. And was being all open with him and apologizing for things. And I’m thinking “he’s never this empathic with me about anything” it kind of ticked me off. And they were also talking about someone he had sex with (he’s bisexual).

I waited for him to finish and by that time the bar was closing. I was annoyed. We sat in his car in silence for awhile and he said he was just thinking about his friend. In my mind I was upset that I just seemed to not cross his mind at all. I leaned in to give him a kiss and he was like “I’m just not feeling it tonight.”

I left his car upset. I was just tired of the mind games. I felt like I was his toy. I opened up to him in so many ways that he asked me to and he never opened up to me. I made myself vulnerable to him.

The next day I decided I was done being his pawn. I told him I was done with this because he plays too many mind games and I wasn’t going to be around to play them anymore.

His responses were: “ok….” “what are you thinking?”

I told him how I felt like he didn’t care about me and how I felt like he thought I was just on his shelf of things to play with. I was very angry in the text because i was hurt.

He didn’t respond.

A few days later I told him I had washed his jackets and that he was free to come get them and that I hoped he was doing well.

He said “Thank you. You too.”

This upset me because I felt like he literally didn’t care at this point. Not an ounce.

I texted him again two days later and told him I didn’t think being friends would be beneficial and gave him a time limit to come get his things as I would not talk to him anymore.

Well this seemed to set him off. He accused me of “flip flopping” and claimed he was going to talk to me the next time he saw me about how I was wrong about a lot of what I had said but since I wanted him to get his things he’d stop by at the designated time I gave to get them.

I was stoic. I told him I wasn’t listening anymore to what he thought *I* was doing wrong in an attempt to hold him accountable. I told him it would be great to stop by at the assigned time and get his things, otherwise I would assume he did not want them.

…. he never came and got them.

I texted him again and told him I wouldn’t assume he wanted his things but that I wanted him to get them ASAP. He texted “tomorrow” and i said “ok that would be great.”

Tomorrow never came.

I texted him again and this time attempted a final time to pour my heart out into why I was cutting him off.

He texted back “k”. A very passive aggressive way of dismissing what I said.

My last text, last Thursday. I said

“not my responsibility at this point. Was waiting to have them sent out to you without it being messy but if you want them they’ll be on my back porch. Blocking your contact now so you’ll have to get them on your own whim”

I then blocked his contact and off of all of my social media’s. We haven’t talked since. I’ve unblocked his number since then but i haven’t texted him. All I wanted was for him to show he cares about me.

This undefined relationship thing we were doing would have been fine but he wanted to give me tiles that he didn’t feel were applicable to himself.

I managed to grow deep feelings for him but I’ve been no contact for almost a week now. It hurts. I miss him. I keep thinking of reasons to find to text him but ultimately talk myself out of it.

I’m hoping no contact will have him coming back with an apology. But I also think him refusing to get his things (which he told me beforehand several times to make sure I gave back to him) is his attempt at keeping control or keeping me in some kind of reach. I don’t know. I want him back but not the mind game playing jerk who he was. But one who has changed.

At the same time. I don’t want to think of him or wait for him like some desperate idiot. I’ve gone on dates with other men but he still stays in my mind. I wonder sometimes if he thinks of me. I wish he did. I know that he doesn’t.

EBR Team Member: Amor

March 26, 2018 at 10:37 am

Hi Anon Girl 2018,

We can’t expect people to change.. that’s why we need to have standards so that we can walk away from wrong ones..

Kim Djohn Rodz

February 6, 2018 at 8:17 am

Hey guys need some help..
So i was dating this guy for almost 10months.. We’be had so many memories, fun,moments that wer so amazing.. But then as months passed by i started acting very immature possessive always talking about his past to him,fighting over the smallest things which always made him leave me..but everytime he left he came back in a day..this time he wanted some time alone from me as we had a fight where he woukbt return my calls amd texts. We met yesterday, spent some good time and then i asked him why u always shut me down when your angry he told me u always keep repeating same things and then one thing lead to another and we starting fighting. He told me i will talk later to you,but then i said some mean words and so did he .we both abused each other and he just left me. I haven’t texted him since then cos im hurt too. And so he maybe. I really love him and i wish i could change things not the way they wer.. I wanna be better and improve myself and have him back to me forever..
I feel miserable on what should i do.. Please give me some advice and help how to overcome this.

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 8, 2018 at 12:02 pm

Hi Kim,

when did you break up? Do you want to try the nc rule?

Syaz

January 8, 2018 at 12:36 pm

My ex boyfriend broke it off a few days ago on the phone as it was long distance. When I visited him last month, things were going well but it got heated up in the middle with constant fights due to my sensitivity and temper. It was so heated up to the point that I said “You deserve someone better that me.” (How stupid I was!) The fight also included the fact that he says ‘yes’ to everything just to make me happy when I know he wasn’t happy. I told him it’s okay to say no; it’s okay to not go to that bird park and instead have a stranger things marathon at his apartment.

I thought we had passed it already as Ive sincerely apologized to him and promised that I’d change, but during the phone call breakup a few nights ago, he brought it up back again and told me that I was right, it got him thinking maybe he does need someone better because he couldn’t handle my temper. And he brought up this topic about suddenly missing his ex (Wth?!) Before the phone call, he was suposed to come for new years and I wanted to surprise him with a romantic dinner for two and even hired a party planner as means to say I was genuinely sorry. But I couldn’t make up for it because he didn’t make it back here with him being busy with his thesis.

It’s been a few days after the breakup. He made me feel like a horrible person in and out. I don’t know if the problem was me or him. I am at this point where I feel damaged and would like him to see that I am not a horrible person and that I love him for him.

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 10, 2018 at 12:19 am

Hi Syaz,
Try the nc rule so you can have space from him.

Syaz

January 8, 2018 at 12:15 pm

My ex boyfriend broke it off a few days ago on the phone as it was long distance. When I visited him last month, things were going well but it got heated up in the middle with constant fights due to my sensitivity and temper. It was so heated up to the point that I said “You deserve someone better that me.” (How stupid I was!) The fight also included the fact that he says ‘yes’ to everything just to make me happy when I know he wasn’t happy. I told him it’s okay to say no; it’s okay to not go to that bird park and instead have a stranger things marathon at his apartment.

I thought we had passed it already as Ive sincerely apologized to him and promised that I’d change, but during the phone call breakup a few nights ago, he brought it up back again and told me that I was right, it got him thinking maybe he does need someone better because he couldn’t handle my temper. And he brought up this topic about suddenly missing his ex (Wth?!) Before the phone call, he was suposed to come for new years and I wanted to surprise him with a romantic dinner for two and even hired a party planner as means to say I was genuinely sorry. But I couldn’t make up for it because he didn’t make it back here with him being busy with his thesis.

It’s been a few days after the breakup. He made me feel like a horrible person in and out. I don’t know if the problem was me or him. I am at this point where I feel damaged and would like him to see that I am not a horrible person and that I love him for him.

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 10, 2018 at 12:19 am

Hi Syaz,
Try the nc rule so you can have space from him.

Sadie

July 31, 2017 at 1:21 pm

Looking for some much needed help and advise !

I had recently moved in with my boyfriend of nearly a year into his apartment in a city close to my home town. Things had been going well between us, he was caring and showed me a lot of love and treated me well. It was the small things that I loved the most like the “good morning my gorgeous girlfriend” messages and holding hands and him wanting be be close hugging, kissing and holding hands when out and warm and loving sentiments exchanged to each other. After I moved in he made a lot of effort in making me feel comfortable there getting stuff for me to have space for my clothes and getting a room all sorted to be my office. He would say that he wants things to be nice for me because I was special to him etc. However over the course of the last few weeks we had many arguments about small things yet they would get so heated and one of us would storm out of the apartment and go off or say nasty things. This was happening frequently. Maybe it was the adjustment of living together, I don’t know. He would get “petty” about things sometimes which drove me nuts like the house cleaning an tidying as he was very intense about it and liked things to be done a certain way. He was also very money orientated. He would earn a lot more than me and said that he understands that being younger and starting off in my career that I won’t be able to contribute as much in the relationship but to contribute what I can. However he would often give subtle hints that he wants me to get things a lot when we were out or would give out that he is spending too much money which really bothered me as I was contributing of course when we were out I would by things for us and buy grocerries and paid rent so I felt like he was being very “mean” and really cared more about the money than me and thought I was using him which I wasn’t and I did pay my way. On top of these kind of arguments and things about me not respecting him (where he though I was too bossy) in the last two weeks he began to get very closed off and cold with how he acted around me, he wasn’t like he was before so sweet and all the little gestures and was very emotionally unavailable. I felt like he wasn’t appreciating me as I was making an effort with him, we had talked about avoiding silly fights and being more understanding of each other and not flying off the handle so easy in an argument. I was really trying to make things work I liked to organise things for us to do, yet when we would do those things together it wasn’t like it was before where I could really feel his love, now he felt closed off and I felt unhappy. I felt like his attempts to try were half hearted or that he was just apologising for the arguments just for the sake of peace- yet maybe I am wrong here. I just felt like he didn’t love me as much anymore and didn’t know what was going on. I know he has his own issues stemming from a bad childhood and wanted to see a psychologist because he felt that contributed to his arguing with me. However being distant with him tore me apart it made me feel so hurt and not cared for because I do love him yet don’t like the way he goes about certain things when we argue or the money issues or when he thinks I am against him.

I got to the point then that I got angry. I think I did because I felt like my strong feelings for him were not being reciprocated and I didn’t know if he was just going through a tough time or wanted things to be done with us for whatever reasons and that’s why he was so closed off and acted disinterested in me. I felt like he had gotten to a stage where maybe he thought I was just company or the familiar, yet I cannot know what his true feelings or thoughts were.

However it all ended in a car crash situation which I am very sad about notwithstanding the fact that I do still harbour some hurt about how he was toward me these last few weeks. Basically he went out Saturday morning and I thought he was gone into work, a close friend who knew of the ups and downs in our relationship calls and I discuss how I was feeling with her. However I was in such a bad place and upset and angry over my boyfriend being so “off” with me the last few weeks that I said some hurtful and nasty things. I said things like: I think I am growing to hate him, that he was a crap boyfriend, that he doesn’t care about me, that he might be going back to his ex (who was emailing him at the time), that I moved all the way from my home city to his to make it work and that I’ll just stay because it’s convenient for me now for work and I made friends here etc. I then said I might even ask my own ex (who had been messaging me but there was only ever anything amicable) down to the city at the weekend for a party and that we can all go out and to hell with my boyfriend. I said that he had serious issues and needs help and that he doesn’t deserve me. Basically I said a lot of hurtful things which I didn’t mean but said out of anger and fear that things could potentially end. Well it turns out that my boyfriend was off that day and had just popped out to get some shopping and had come back in and heard my whole conversation.

Next thing is I go downstairs and he tells me he heard everything and that he can’t believe it and that it showed my true colours. He told me to leave and take my things and took back my house key he had given me. I refused as I was in shock and left to meet a friend as I didn’t know what to think or do. He text me to tell me that he was going out and that he won’t be back until the next day and I won’t be able to get my stuff until then as he said he was not being my “servant” waiting around for me to come and get my things whenever. So he had locked me out of the house and from my things all day and night. Things got very nasty between us via text as I was fuming that I was left this long with no access to my property in the house and the face that he threw me out. We both said very hurtful things, he even said he had been thinking of breaking up with me during the two weeks he was “off” as he was sick of the way I was toward him- which I couldn’t understand as I went out of my way to try and make things work. He then later told me he only said that because of what he heard on the phone call and that his intentions were very different than breaking up prior to hearing that conversation. Yet this could just be an excuse?

My friends told me that he wanted to end things, that’s why he was so distant and cold toward me the last few weeks and that me saying those things gave him a perfect excuse to end things. I really don’t know what to think. I have contacted him about bills I owe him etc. which he got very nasty over saying I was just a “freeloader” etc. It was very hurtful. He said I won’t get the rest of my stuff until I give him the money. I sent him how much I think the remaining amount I owe is and for him to confirm and then I will transfer it and collect the remainder of my stuff so we can both move on and be done with each other I said. I have not heard back from him in a day.

I don’t know how to act now. I still love him and would like to be with him but things had changed a bit and I don’t know if he had wanted to end things anyway. He has not unfriended or blocked me on facebook but has limited what I can see on his profile to only public posts. Why did he do this? Surely if he was really angry with me over what I said and wanted it to remain over he would block me?

Please help with advise as I don’t know what to do and I was very serious about this man, I thought we would go the distance and now I am devastated. We had spoken about marriage often in past (him a lot more often than me) and he would call me his wife sometimes when we were conversing about future things or if he was on the phone to the internet providers telling them that his “wife” works from home if there as a problem with the internet for example. I guess I thought that meant he was serious too.

EBR Team Member: Amor

July 31, 2017 at 5:14 pm

Hi Sadie,

Are you going to start the no contact rule?

Sana

July 28, 2017 at 9:07 am

I met this guy in January on a work trip, we instantly hit it off, he asked me to out to spend every evening with him while I was in town, however I hesitated as I did not want to get into long distance, as I believed it doesn’t work however he was persistent so we met up again and had a great time, he wanted to spend more time and was depressed that I was leaving in few days, I asked how it would work , he admitted he cannot do long distance so I stopped him there that I did not want to spend anymore time and fall for him , if he wouldn’t make any effort when I leave, that would hurt me, we talked a lot and decided we will try to make it work, when I was leaving he asked me to quit my job and stay so we can figure out how we make things work, but being a self dependant person, my family also rely’s on my income I could not do that, when I left I missed him soo much that I texted him a lot, he messaged me after a week that he could not do long distance, so I did not push anything, I was hurt when we had already discussed this but I respected his wishes and kept the contact to minimum but we agreed to meet again when I was back in town two months later, he started contacting me more when It was closer to my visit and we met up and started fro where we left off, however during that visit my mother got sick with critical illness, my relationship with my family is not great, it puts a lot of pressure on me and I sometimes become too emotional, I didn’t want that side of my life to affect what I had with him, so I kept quiet but y mothers health was playing on my mind and constant messages from family didn’t help, I became so emotional that he mentioned to me that as I get to know you I don’t like that you are too emotional, and don’t think we are a good fit. I told him about my family now but he may think I am making excuses, however we spend some more time together and agreed that we will start a relationship when I move to town which was in discussion at my work. when I left my parents visited me so I could take care of my mother and I became even more emotional and clingy on my text messages as my only hope for little happiness was him, he did not like that and started becoming distant, he said he didn’t want to meet me when I came to town, I got so scared of losing him that I sent him emotional messages, when I visited he did not meet me, when I pushed for answers he finally messaged to say that when he got to know me his attraction was lost, truth is when he met me I was free and happy then things with my family took the toll that I lost myself. even pushing for answers to meet me is not like me, i would have respected his wishes and walked away but I really do like him, he is a good man, he doesn’t even want to be friends anymore, is there any hope that I could get him back, my mothers health is improving and she will go back in august, I have decided to cut of ties with my siblings as they only make my life hell and spread negativity. I am looking for a new start but I do want him in my life.

EBR Team Member: Amor

July 31, 2017 at 5:45 am

Hi Sana,

you had the right mindset at the start but you didn’t actually do what you think is right.. A long distance relationship will only work, if both you wants to work through it. If he doesn’t want a long distance relationship, you should move on.

Anna

July 11, 2017 at 1:12 pm

My 11 month long distance relationship fell apart when I became too clingy. He was the one to break things off, at the beginning I made the mistake to beg, but I soon realized that it doesn’t work. Also, he sees our break up as what happened to him with his previous ex. Before me he used to be on a 4 year relationship (they lived together) in which, as he says, she was also like that. I have already read many articles on your site including “STAGE 5 CLINGER – GETTING A BOYFRIEND BACK IF YOU WERE TOO CLINGY” I’m currently 9 days into no contact. What is the perfect first contact text message in this situation? an apology or rather focus on constructing a story based on his interests?

EBR Team Member: Amor

July 14, 2017 at 12:22 pm

Apologizing looks like you’re still chasing him.. So, dont do it

Lisa

July 9, 2017 at 10:29 pm

Hi there.

Together with a guy for a year. I was his first committed relationship and first love. Slept with him (my ex) a week ago. Tried hard not to ask what it meant, but being a woman of course I ended up asking if we were going to work things out and establish healthier relationship boundaries.

He said maybe at first, and then no- because I pushed even though I knew I shouldn’t never pressure a man. He told me he still loved me and its going to be difficult but he has to be selfish now. I told him to tell me he doesn’t love me, won’t contact me, won’t come for a hookup anymore then. He said- not true but if you want me to say it fine. Last call he said – In fact If u contact me i won’t respond.
We very much still love each other, however he’s lost faith in our relationship due to many insignificant small fights I initiated during a stressful time in between jobs. Passive aggression oops.

He cried to his Mother, and essentially that’s probably what made him stick to his guns and reclaim his need for stability. He tried very hard to show me love and support but I just wouldn’t receive it at the time.

I want the best for him so I’m willing to accept altho it hurts. Ideally would love to have him back but not going to push it especially if I stressed him out.

I’ve instilled NC for a week now. Been very tough.

Wrote a gratitude email to thank him for supoort and admitting my flaws. Deciding whether i should send it?
I’m not sure if I’m denial. On a Crossroads whether he will return after some space/this is a “time-out” or its over for good this time.
He gave me my house keys back and I returned his clothes out of drama when we were having the breakup convo. We’ve been in LC the first week and hooked up twice. There’s was no name calling or shouting. Only loss of control was him calling me upset 2 weeks ago drunk asking why I wasnt happy that he tried so hard and that his parents are mad thar I hurt him.
I just don’t want to sit in limbo during no contact and secretly hope he’ll contact. I could just send an email and move on.
if he still loves me wouldn’t my email open the door for him to come back if he wants. If he is no longer interested then at least I got it off my chest and take this as a lesson learnt on improving my character.
Our relationship was pretty honest.
If this is his first heartbreak I really am not sure what will bring the least pain or fix it.

Friends all tell me not to send letter and keep quiet until he reaches out first.

Thoughts?

EBR Team Member: Amor

July 13, 2017 at 9:37 am

Hi lisa,

Send the letter and then restart thr count of nc

Diana

June 16, 2017 at 12:44 pm

We were togheter for a year. I was a very jealous and controlling girlfriend to be honest… I always showed him trust issues, even thought he didn’t deserve it and never did anything wrong… I always stalked his facebook and instagram and if he became friends with a new girl I always asked him who she is and sometimes I even became angry. I even looked through his phone once, which made him very upset, and I definitely understand that. He said that all he ever wanted was for me to trust him, but still I looked through his phone being really disrespectful. Maybe one or two weeks after that, he broke up with me. I’ve been in nc for about 6 weeks now and worked on improving myself. Is it possible for me to get him back even though I behaved like I did? Should I somehow apologise for my behaviour to get him back?

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 17, 2017 at 6:26 am

how much did you improve and how active were you in posting? check the links below too:
How To Get An Ex Boyfriend Back If You Slept With Him
How To Properly Start A Conversation With Your Ex After No Contact

Lina

May 28, 2017 at 11:19 am

My ex caught me looking through his phone and I think he broke up because he felt I was too controlling and clingy. How should I apologise for such a thing? I know it’s one of the most disrespectful things to do in a relationship…

Lina

June 7, 2017 at 6:27 pm

No, one week before he broke up he got angry when he caught me looking throught his phone and told me I disrespected him and we had a huge fight… This was only one week before the breakup so I think the breakup has something to do with this. Then one week after the breakup we met again and slept togheter, and it has been 5 weeks since then and we haven’t spoke in 5 weeks now. Now I wonder how I should correct my wrongs.
1. I disrespected him and showed trust issues when I sneaked through his phone before the breakup, should I apologise or isn’t it necessary?
2. I slept with him one week after the breakup, which I know is wrong if I want him back, what should I do now when it’s been 5 weeks of nc? Is all this possible to fix?
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 10, 2017 at 6:34 pm

nope dont apologize..that’s just his excuse..if you improved yourself and were active in posting check the link below. if not, do that first.
EBR 053: Deconstructing The Perfect First Contact Text Message
Lina

June 6, 2017 at 11:05 pm

But he got very angry and told me I disrespected him for doing that, it felt like it was a very big deal for him. This happened only a week before he broke up with me so I think it had something to do with the breakup… Because he became very distant that whole week and thought I didn’t trust him, which he always said is the most important thing to him, that I have to trust him. I’ve done the NC for 4 weeks now, should I apologise to him or do you think he could have forgotten what I did and that I actually disrespected him and looked throught his phone?
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 7, 2017 at 5:29 pm

how much did you improve and how active were you posting? I’m confused, you slept with your ex when you were still together and he got angry and broke up with you?
EBR Team Member: Amor

May 29, 2017 at 7:13 pm

he’s not going to think you’re clingy with just one act.. right now, it would be chasing to apologize about it if you have broken up for a while now..start no contact rule instead

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