I get asked a lot of questions every day.
Chris, I miss my ex boyfriend so much what can I do to get him back?
Chris, I am in so much pain from my breakup, it hurts so much…
Chris, when will I start seeing results…
Now, the thing you have to understand about me is that I have been doing this for half a decade and have literally answered thousands of questions around this topic in my life.
It’s rare for me to stumble across something that I haven’t seen before. But the funny thing is that I don’t think that the general masses of women trying to get an ex back will benefit very much from me taking a question that hasn’t been asked by many people and answering it.
Instead, what I have decided to do for this article is take one of the most frequent questions I get on a daily basis and deconstruct it so I can give you a path to follow to get results.
So, what is this question?
Well, it’s not really a question so much as it is a mantra that people say when they are struggling with a breakup,
I miss my ex boyfriend so much and I want him back!
So, I’ve decided to divide this article up into two sections so I can actually help you with getting your ex back in this particular circumstance.
- Why missing him is actually a big mistake…
- What to do to get him back now…
Why Missing Him Is Actually A Big Mistake
Look, I get it.
You miss your ex boyfriend terribly. You dream about him just about every night and are filled with a sense of undeniable dread upon the thought that he will never hold you again.
He plagues your every thought and whatever you do you can’t seem to get that damn idiot out of your head.
That’s why you are here, right?
You are in so much pain that you are seeking to make sense of it.
Now, let me tell you why you shouldn’t give in to anything you are feeling right now.
But first, I’d like to tell you a little story. My story about an experience I had with a woman named Carol.
You see, Carol was one of my very first coaching clients ever and I was terrified that since she had paid me all of this money I wasn’t going to be able to live up to her expectations.
I literally remember sitting in my office the night before preparing by coming up with very specific questions to ask her. Hell, I even started reading psychology books trying to brush up on lost knowledge.
And if that’s not enough I became terrified that I wasn’t going to remember my own advice to her. You see, Carol had stated that she had found out about me by watching this video that I had posted on my YouTube channel,
I was terrified that I wasn’t going to be enough for her.
(I’m an over-preparer by nature)
Now, to put this story in its proper context I need to explain a little how my coaching sessions work. While I can certainly see the benefit of email coaching and things of that nature I find that it is generally ineffective. So, all of the coaching I do is over the phone or on skype.
Call me a sucker for the dramatics but I like to hear your voice when you are talking about your breakup. I like to get a sense of how much it really means to you and you just can’t get that over an email.
For example, if someone tells me that they haven’t gotten any sleep because they have been crying non stop I kind of disregard it because I have heard that a million different times from a million different women.
But if I get on the phone with you and I hear your voice trembling, trying to hold back the tears. If I hear the inflection of your voice when you tell me that you miss your ex boyfriend so much because he was your best friend it has so much more of an impact on me.
It makes me want to work harder and do a better job for you.
It also gives me a sense of where you are mentally.
Now, originally I wanted to do only 30 minutes of coaching over the phone. I don’t know why but for some weird reason I had actually convinced myself that, that was going to be more than enough time for me to get in, do my thing and get out.
It wasn’t, and that was a lesson that Carol taught me.
What I Learned From My Coaching Call With Carol
I try to be as logical as possible when dealing with breakups.
I like to hear your situation and come up with an actionable game plan that you can use to see results (even if those results are small.) That was how I tried to approach my coaching call with Carol.
But what I didn’t expect was the emotional nature of the call.
I just remember her starting out by saying,
I miss him so much but he has a girlfriend, is there hope?
And for the next 30 minutes, the entirety of the coaching call, Carol went on and on about her situation.
She told me that even though she misses him so much it’s been a year and she feels like there isn’t any hope.
She broke down and started crying and told me about how their relationship used to be and that’s when I realized something,
Carol has no one to talk to except me.
Her friends and family have told her that she’s better off without him but she doesn’t feel like it.
I also realized that she had absolutely zero chance of getting her ex back.
Why Didn’t She Have A Chance Of Getting Her Ex Back?
All she did during her coaching call with me was talk about how much she missed her ex.
How she couldn’t breathe without him…
How she didn’t know if she could contact him or not…
How she just thought there was no hope…
But all I could end up thinking upon hearing her talk was,
“Hmm… I wonder if her ex boyfriend is thinking this about her.”
The answer I ultimately came up with was no.
He isn’t thinking about her like this and that is a problem. You see, in a perfect world if you are trying to get your ex back it would be Carol’s ex having the freak out and not Carol.
I have this theory that relationships is mostly about investment.
The more invested you are the more into the person you are.
I even put together a pretty nifty graphic to hammer my point home,
You can see that with this graphic there are really three things that I want to cover with you here today,
- You putting in more investment than your ex
- Both of you putting an equal investment into the relationship
- Your ex putting in more investment than you
Let’s start from the top.
You Putting In More Investment Than Your Ex
Now, I know what you are thinking,
Wait Chris, isn’t that symbol in this section of the graphic wrong?
Actually it’s not.
What I have found is that if you put in more investment into the relationship than your partner does then your partner starts believing that they are better than you.
They start believing that they don’t have to do as much to keep you around and that can make your life extremely difficult.
It’s no mistake that most of my coaching clients have put more investment into their relationship than their partners.
Both You and Your Ex Are Putting An Equal Amount Of Investment In
This is kind of the dream, right?
I mean, here we are on equal footing.
You are putting in investment and your partner is putting in investment.
Everything is in harmony,
(You’d get this refrence if you watched Buffy!)
It’s in this area of the graph that we start entering into the “getting him back territory.”
You see, getting an ex back who is investing into your relationship is so much easier than getting him back if he isn’t.
However, if you were to ask me to create a perfect scenario for success I actually wouldn’t want you to fall into this category. No, I’d want you to fall into our next category.
Your Ex Is Putting In More Investment Than You
This is kind of where I want you to be if you are going to embark on this journey to get your ex back.
Now, do you want to hear the ironic part?
Well, the ironic part is that often if you are lucky enough to find yourself in this category you will find that you aren’t as interested in getting back together with your ex anymore.
“Hold your horses… How does that work?”
Well, think about section one where you were putting in more investment than your ex was.
Well, your ex very rarely becomes interested in a relationship with you. In fact, he becomes very disinterested.
Every great writer has a saying,
The intensity of suspense is proportional to our emotional investment in what is going on
In other words, the more investment there is in a character the more you care about what is going to happen to him/her.
Well, if your ex has no investment in you then he probably isn’t going to care about you. The same can be said of you to him. If you do manage to get him to put more investment into you than him you may find yourself a little disinterested.
Now, this is the perfect segue to my next point.
How Are You Supposed To Get An Ex Back Who You Miss So Much
I want to start this off by framing this in the right way.
I get that you miss your ex.
I get that he plagues your thoughts and you feel like he has ignored you and your every attempt to get him back.
I get that he dumped you and has even stated that he doesn’t want you back.
I get all that.
What I would like to do is take that exact situation.
A situation where you miss your ex so much that it hurts. Where he dumped you and has ignored your attempts to reach out to him.
And teach you what to do to give yourself a fighting chance to get him back because in the end that is all I can provide you.
With all my knowledge and experience in this field the one thing that becomes clear every time I put together a plan for someone is that I am not a miracle worker.
Sure, some of the people that I have worked with and who have succeeded in accomplishing their goal may think so but for every success there is a failure.
I want you to understand that going in.
Once you have reconciled that notion in your head I’d like to start by taking our teachings and expanding upon them.
Right now this is probably where you are at when it comes to investment,
The fact that you are sitting here reading an article about missing your ex boyfriend so much tells me that you put a lot of investment into this relationship with your ex.
However, something tells me he isn’t doing the same thing with you.
Therefore, he has this sense that he is better than you. He thinks he can have you whenever he wants and that is a pretty massive problem because in order to get him back we need you to be here,
In other words, we need to find a way to make him put a maximum amount of investment into the relationship while you take your foot off the pedal.
Of course, when I say it like that it sounds so simple, doesn’t it?
Trust me, it’s not.
Which is why I am going to teach you the secret sauce for how to do this.
Show Me The Secret Sauce
In order to understand where I am coming from you will probably need a much better understanding of how my process works. Therefore, I’d highly recommend you check out Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO.
Now, I am not going to say it is a prerequisite per say… but what I will say is that what I am about to break down here is kind of advanced and if you aren’t in the know of how my process works you won’t know some of the finer details like when you should put this into action.
Ok, let’s begin!
I am a big fan of letting things unfold naturally.
I always feel that attraction is much more seamless that way.
There is nothing more unattractive than someone trying to force something that the other party isn’t ready for.
I’ll give you my favorite example.
Let’s pretend that you are on a date with a guy. He is relatively good looking and seems to have a decent job. He is confident and assured of himself. He has also taken you to the nicest restaurant in the city for your very first date. After some basic small talk you see a group of violinists coming over to your table.
“Hmm… that’s odd” you think to yourself.
They begin to play.
You take notice of your date as he gets up from the table, gets on one knee and begins to propose to you,
“(instert name) I know we just met but I already feel like I have lived a lifetime with you. Would you make me the happiest man in the world and marry me.”
Now, let me ask you.
Would you say yes to that creep?
But lets change the situation a bit.
Lets pretend that instead of this being your first date with the gentleman it’s your hundredth. You’ve been dating for a couple of years, are madly in love and have even moved in together.
Would you say yes then?
Something tells me you would.
What’s the difference between the two scenarios.
Well, one is rushed and one isn’t.
Investment works the same way. It isn’t something that you can rush. It’s something that you have to take a slow and measured approach with.
The Slow And Measured Approach
Now would be a really great time to have a discussion on the different types of investment.
The way I see it is that there are three different types of investments that we are going to be trying to get from your ex,
Physical Investment: Any type of physical thing that your ex will give you to show you that he cares.
Emotional Investment: A type of investment that comes from how your ex feels about you.
Time: I don’t think it’ll take a rocket scientist to figure out this one.
The first concept I’d like to talk about today is the synergy between these three forms of investment.
If you can get one working for you then you can get all working for you it’s just simply a matter of time (pun intended.)
You’ll notice that “time” is one of the investments I have listed above.
Well, that is the first step to this process I am about to teach you.
Step One: Getting Him To Invest Time Into You
I don’t care what you say time is our most precious commodity.
It’s the only thing you won’t ever get back and if you can get your ex boyfriend to invest it into you then you have a fighting chance.
Now, why am I making such a big deal about getting an ex to invest time into you?
Well, it’s because it’s the easiest form of investment to obtain from your ex. I mean, think about it for a moment, it might be too big of an ask to get your ex to get you flowers, right?
But having him text you…
Having him talk on the phone with you…
It sounds pretty easy by comparison.
Once you feel he has invested enough time into you then we can move on to step two.
Step Two: Physical Investments
The thing to remember with physical investment is to start off small and build up from there.
The first thing I would encourage you to do is obtain an end goal of physical investment. In other words, I want you to come up with what you are trying to accomplish out of a physical investment.
Now, just to put a few ground rules on this your “end goal” shouldn’t be to sleep with your ex. That’s more emotional in nature and not at all what we are going for here.
Instead, I am going to use having your ex send you flowers as an example.
So, assuming that you want your ex to send you these,
We need to start off small.
- Try to get him to hug you first.
- If you accomplish that then you can try to get him to hold your hand.
- If we are a go there then we can try to start priming him for flowers.
- Send him subtle hints that you love flowers.
- Do everything you can to make it obvious without losing your tact.
Step Three: Emotional Investment
And now we come to the grandaddy of investment.
I defined emotional investment as any type of investment that defines how your ex thinks about you.
As a general rule of thumb you aren’t going to start seeing positive emotional investment unless you have already done some work in the physical investment and time categories.
So, this one seems to have a few prerequisites.
I suppose the thing you are most interested in hearing about here is how you can get him to tell you how he feels.
Well, I am a big fan of location impacting conversation.
If you put him in a romantic environment then it makes sense that he is going to be more likely to open up to you.
Ah, and never forget the most important aspect!
Don’t be afraid to leave him wanting more 😉 .