Today we’re going to talk about why exes come back when you don’t want them to anymore.
Last month I embarked upon a quest to find out what really works when getting exes to come back. I did this by simply sitting down with many of my different success stories and interviewing them and publishing those interviews live on my YouTube channel.
There weren’t many new things they could teach me, but one prevalent pattern about all these success stories was getting into a mindset where they don’t really care if their ex comes back after they’ve exhausted all the techniques we teach.
This is an interesting mindset shift that we have had throughout our program.
Most of the time, we’re detailing exactly what you should be doing when it comes to getting your ex back. It’s all a very rigid step-by-step process, but this mindset is one part of the process that we didn’t give much thought to.
But we now have proof that it’s one of the key things to attain before your ex comes back to you.
So, What Is The Psychology Behind This?
Why does your ex want to come back after you move on completely, and how can you weaponize that concept if you still want your ex back?
Well, that’s what we are going to explore today.
Our strategy for getting an ex back has evolved many times over the years. At first, it was quite simple, but as we learned more about what worked and what didn’t we’ve updated it, in fact, we’ve updated it so much that we have come up with two key concepts to describe our process: the value ladder and the value chain.
Value ladder – refers to the actual methods of communication that you’ll be having with your ex
This includes the no contact phase, then the texting phase, and then the phone call phase, then the in-person interaction phase.
The idea behind the value ladder is to slowly climb this ladder, moving up from no contact to some texting to phone calls and eventually in-person meetups.
Value chain – refers to the types of conversations that you need to be having with your ex
These conversations can range from telling stories to your ex to sharing feelings with your ex.
We have a precise way in which we go about this, and I’m not going to bore you with it here fully, but one thing I want you to keep in mind is that the value ladder and the value chain are paired together.
The value ladder and value chain need to come together to ensure that you consistently have satisfying conversations with your ex.
Most of our success stories agreed with this, too, even though the actual content of their conversations varied.
Yet the one consistent theme was that despite implementing the value ladder and the value chain, they still worked on the internal mindset, basically getting to this point where they just don’t care about getting their ex back anymore.
The Yin/Yang Approach
Value chain, value ladder, and an internal “moving on” mindset go hand in hang like a Yin and Yang approach.
Yin and yang is a concept of dualism describing how seemingly opposite or contrary forces may actually be complementary, interconnected, and interdependent.
In this case, the yin aspect, of course is the value chain and the value ladder (everything tactical that you need to do to win your ex back), and then yang approach is basically getting that internal mindset where you need it to be.
So while there may be a paradox between using tactics specifically designed to get your ex’s attention and trying to attain a mindset of moving on – the two work together simultaneously with remarkable paradoxical synergy.
Here’s an example of how this works: Let’s say that you start off and find my website, and you determine you want to give it your best shot trying to get your ex back. So, you read everything, you buy my program, and you learn about the value chain and the value ladder and how they all work and all the techniques you need to do to get your ex back.
You also learn about the concept of getting over your ex while you’re implementing this stuff. You implement our techniques, and they don’t show any immediate fruit because your ex just isn’t responsive.
That doesn’t matter as much anymore because internally, you feel much stronger than how you felt at the beginning of the breakup when you were just angry, broken, and depressed.
Some time goes by, and you continue to try to implement our techniques and just basically get to a point where you feel like you’ve done everything you could have. You tell yourself that you’ve given it all you could, and you let that confidence ease your mind, so you stop worrying too much about getting your ex back.
You’ve already moved on internally, and it’s just kind of verification through the actions you’re taking.
So, you’ve mostly moved on… a couple of months go by, and you hear from your ex: “Hey, let’s chat” or “hey, I need to see you.” You see them, and they talk about how hard it was without you and why they cannot stop thinking about you, and all of a sudden, they ask for you back.
So what went on here?
Here’s our best guess: the yin and yang approach between the value chain, value ladder, and that moving on without moving on approach have worked simultaneously.
While you were using techniques to indicate to your ex that you are still interested in trying to repair things, they were resistant to that. They just weren’t in a place where they’re emotionally ready for reconciliation, so they rejected or ignored you. So, after you felt you gave it your best shot, you kind of move on.
That’s when something really interesting occurs.
The Peak End Rule
There’s this concept called the peak-end rule, which basically states that human beings are awful at remembering experiences.
In fact, to simplify things, our brain remembers experiences based on two distinct points – the peak or most exciting part of the experience and the end of the experience.
Most of the time, when you’re trying to get an ex back, they’re only focusing on the end of the relationship or what it was like towards the very end when things were just kinda stale. They had no interest in continuing a relationship with you.
But after some time goes by, after you’ve indicated that you are somewhat interested in trying to repair things or at least having a conversation with them, they start to remember the good times.
Like when you held hands and walked on the beach or when you first told each other you were in love.
Their heart starts to get kind of excited, they start to get those butterflies, and they reminisce about the peak of the experience. They romanticize the experience, and then they start thinking back with a clearer mind. They finally realize that all the techniques you tried were to start a conversation.
They see that all you wanted was a civil conversation, and they blew you off. That makes them feel bad and makes them want to talk to you.
That’s when they realize that they may have lost their chance to get back with you. You look like you’ve moved on, and internally you feel like it, and all of a sudden, they start reaching out to you.
They’re panicking because they didn’t respond when you were reaching out.
Now you may think, why after all this time and all those wasted efforts?
It’s because those efforts MATTERED. You may not have seen instant results, but all those efforts were registering with your ex and are now making them feel guilty.
Some people think they can skip the value chain and value ladder altogether. You can just maybe skip ahead to actually trying to move on without fully moving on.
What if I were to tell you that that won’t work either.
The shortcut seems right in theory, but by simply moving on, you’ve given them no indication that you were willing to talk and be civil.
The key is that if you were willing to talk, and then you moved on, they start looking back at the relationship scenario with a different mindset. That’s why moving on without moving on and using our strategies kind of work in this Yin and Yang approach – opposites actually working together to create a better whole.
A key part of getting your ex back is to stop caring about it too much, essentially moving on without moving on when you know you’ve tried everything you could have.
Eventually, your ex will stop thinking about the end of your relationship and start looking back at the peak.
That’s when they will appreciate your efforts to reach out and realize they want you back!