By Chris Seiter

Updated on March 16th, 2021

Today we’re going to talk about why exes come back when you don’t want them to anymore.

Last month I embarked upon a quest to find out what really works when getting exes to come back. I did this by simply sitting down with many of my different success stories and interviewing them and publishing those interviews live on my YouTube channel.

There weren’t many new things they could teach me, but one prevalent pattern about all these success stories was getting into a mindset where they don’t really care if their ex comes back after they’ve exhausted all the techniques we teach.

This is an interesting mindset shift that we have had throughout our program.

Most of the time, we’re detailing exactly what you should be doing when it comes to getting your ex back. It’s all a very rigid step-by-step process, but this mindset is one part of the process that we didn’t give much thought to.

But we now have proof that it’s one of the key things to attain before your ex comes back to you.

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So, What Is The Psychology Behind This? 

Why does your ex want to come back after you move on completely, and how can you weaponize that concept if you still want your ex back?

Well, that’s what we are going to explore today.

Our strategy for getting an ex back has evolved many times over the years. At first, it was quite simple, but as we learned more about what worked and what didn’t we’ve updated it, in fact, we’ve updated it so much that we have come up with two key concepts to describe our process: the value ladder and the value chain.

value ladder

Value ladder – refers to the actual methods of communication that you’ll be having with your ex

This includes the no contact phase, then the texting phase, and then the phone call phase, then the in-person interaction phase.

The idea behind the value ladder is to slowly climb this ladder, moving up from no contact to some texting to phone calls and eventually in-person meetups.

Value chain – refers to the types of conversations that you need to be having with your ex

These conversations can range from telling stories to your ex to sharing feelings with your ex.

We have a precise way in which we go about this, and I’m not going to bore you with it here fully, but one thing I want you to keep in mind is that the value ladder and the value chain are paired together.

The value ladder and value chain need to come together to ensure that you consistently have satisfying conversations with your ex.

Most of our success stories agreed with this, too, even though the actual content of their conversations varied.

Yet the one consistent theme was that despite implementing the value ladder and the value chain, they still worked on the internal mindset, basically getting to this point where they just don’t care about getting their ex back anymore.

The Yin/Yang Approach

Value chain, value ladder, and an internal “moving on” mindset go hand in hang like a Yin and Yang approach.

Yin and yang is a concept of dualism describing how seemingly opposite or contrary forces may actually be complementary, interconnected, and interdependent.

In this case, the yin aspect, of course is the value chain and the value ladder (everything tactical that you need to do to win your ex back), and then yang approach is basically getting that internal mindset where you need it to be.

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So while there may be a paradox between using tactics specifically designed to get your ex’s attention and trying to attain a mindset of moving on – the two work together simultaneously with remarkable paradoxical synergy.

Here’s an example of how this works: Let’s say that you start off and find my website, and you determine you want to give it your best shot trying to get your ex back. So, you read everything, you buy my program, and you learn about the value chain and the value ladder and how they all work and all the techniques you need to do to get your ex back.

You also learn about the concept of getting over your ex while you’re implementing this stuff. You implement our techniques, and they don’t show any immediate fruit because your ex just isn’t responsive.

That doesn’t matter as much anymore because internally, you feel much stronger than how you felt at the beginning of the breakup when you were just angry, broken, and depressed.

Some time goes by, and you continue to try to implement our techniques and just basically get to a point where you feel like you’ve done everything you could have. You tell yourself that you’ve given it all you could, and you let that confidence ease your mind, so you stop worrying too much about getting your ex back.

You’ve already moved on internally, and it’s just kind of verification through the actions you’re taking.

So, you’ve mostly moved on… a couple of months go by, and you hear from your ex: “Hey, let’s chat” or “hey, I need to see you.” You see them, and they talk about how hard it was without you and why they cannot stop thinking about you, and all of a sudden, they ask for you back.

So what went on here?

Here’s our best guess: the yin and yang approach between the value chain, value ladder, and that moving on without moving on approach have worked simultaneously.

While you were using techniques to indicate to your ex that you are still interested in trying to repair things, they were resistant to that. They just weren’t in a place where they’re emotionally ready for reconciliation, so they rejected or ignored you. So, after you felt you gave it your best shot, you kind of move on.

That’s when something really interesting occurs.

The Peak End Rule

There’s this concept called the peak-end rule, which basically states that human beings are awful at remembering experiences.

In fact, to simplify things, our brain remembers experiences based on two distinct points – the peak or most exciting part of the experience and the end of the experience.

Most of the time, when you’re trying to get an ex back, they’re only focusing on the end of the relationship or what it was like towards the very end when things were just kinda stale. They had no interest in continuing a relationship with you.

But after some time goes by, after you’ve indicated that you are somewhat interested in trying to repair things or at least having a conversation with them, they start to remember the good times.

Like when you held hands and walked on the beach or when you first told each other you were in love.

Their heart starts to get kind of excited, they start to get those butterflies, and they reminisce about the peak of the experience. They romanticize the experience, and then they start thinking back with a clearer mind. They finally realize that all the techniques you tried were to start a conversation.

They see that all you wanted was a civil conversation, and they blew you off. That makes them feel bad and makes them want to talk to you.

That’s when they realize that they may have lost their chance to get back with you. You look like you’ve moved on, and internally you feel like it, and all of a sudden, they start reaching out to you.

They’re panicking because they didn’t respond when you were reaching out.

Now you may think, why after all this time and all those wasted efforts?

It’s because those efforts MATTERED. You may not have seen instant results, but all those efforts were registering with your ex and are now making them feel guilty.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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Some people think they can skip the value chain and value ladder altogether. You can just maybe skip ahead to actually trying to move on without fully moving on.

What if I were to tell you that that won’t work either.

The shortcut seems right in theory, but by simply moving on, you’ve given them no indication that you were willing to talk and be civil.

The key is that if you were willing to talk, and then you moved on, they start looking back at the relationship scenario with a different mindset. That’s why moving on without moving on and using our strategies kind of work in this Yin and Yang approach – opposites actually working together to create a better whole.


A key part of getting your ex back is to stop caring about it too much, essentially moving on without moving on when you know you’ve tried everything you could have.

Eventually, your ex will stop thinking about the end of your relationship and start looking back at the peak.

That’s when they will appreciate your efforts to reach out and realize they want you back!

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4 thoughts on “Why Do Exes Come Back When You Don’t Want Them To?”

  1. Chelsea Bailey

    August 15, 2020 at 12:44 pm


    Me and my ex broke up July 3rd and it was over something very small. Went were on again off again for 3 weeks and he would end it (he ended 3 times in those 3 weeks) I begged for him back and he came back but left every time. I went over to his house the last time (he moved out of our place july 3rd) we cried said goodbye, I text him 4 days later saying I miss him and I need to talk to him I got the Im busy and I cant talk reply…then I got the terrible stop calling and texting me reply. It broke me. I have been 2 weeks no contact but last Sunday he dropped mail off at my door from our old place and I didnt text thank you or reach out so 4 days after he drops our adventure book at my door with all the pictures of me and him and him and my son taken out. Why does he keep coming to my house and dropping stuff off. I didnt text him thank you for the book either. Please help I am so confused I know he is used to me begging for him back or reaching out first, is this is way of trying to get me to contact him so his ego wont be bruised?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      August 15, 2020 at 4:02 pm

      Hey Chelsea, you are doing the right thing and stick with NC through to 30 days solid NC doesnt matter about thanking him at the moment you can use it for a conversation when you are in the texting phase later in the program

  2. niki

    August 13, 2020 at 2:31 pm

    Hi I have been trying to post a comment and I could never get it to go through I hope this works this time!

    Been off with my ex for about 3 weeks now, we have a 6 month old baby boy, I heard he was texting another girl, to make a long story short blamed me for the break up, we were very distant because of our baby, I think he got the case of the grass is greener syndrome! Anyways, he hasn’t picked up any of his clothes from my house, we have been talking just about our soon doing LC we see each other everyday because we live close and his mom takes care of our son while we work. everyday there are pick up and drop offs. yesterday , I lost my cool a little , but somehow that got him to admit he misses me and he is thinking of reconciling… today however none of this comes back up. Can you help me please! Thank you.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      August 14, 2020 at 10:04 pm

      Hi Niki, it is hard when you are sharing childcare with his mother, but try not to speak to them too much about your relationship or break up etc. As for him telling you he has been thinking about reconciling your relationship. For now I would say do not bring it up again, read some articles about being Ungettable and apply this to yourself where you can. I know being a single mother can make it seem difficult but work it best you can into your life