Did you know that vindictive is defined as having or showing a strong or unreasoning desire for revenge?
Well, in this episode we take a look at an ex boyfriend who is being awfully vindictive,
We hear from Anonymous (our caller today) who may have just landed her first feature film.
There is just one problem, her ex boyfriend has all the contact information for her to sign a contract to make it official.
As you may have already guessed, her ex boyfriend is holding that information hostage from her.
What I Cover In Episode 8
- The two reactions men can have after a breakup
- Why ex boyfriends can be so vindictive
- Victim roles
- Blaming YOU (even if your not at fault)
- Why men need to see women beg
IMPORTANT Links Mentioned
Anonymous’ Game Plan To Get The Information
There are two plans for anonymous,
- Plan A
- Plan B
These plans should be worked in tandem meaning they should be implemented at the same time.
Lets first look at Plan A.
- Playing Possum- I tell a funny possum story about a real life encounter with a possum I had at night a year ago. I tie this story in to how Anonymous should approach her ex about getting this information back.
- No Begging- While playing possum you shouldn’t beg for your ex back. You need to have more self respect than that.
- Prime Him- Don’t come out of the gates asking for the contact information you are seeking. You need to prime him a little bit before you do that.
- Go Around Ex- Your ex boyfriend isn’t the only person who has these high value targets’ information. Make sure you make every effort you can to get the information outside of your ex.
- Tim Ferris Example- In the episode I give a real life example of someone who did this and won an all expense paid trip to anywhere in the world.
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Welcome to Episode 8 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. A little fun fact, the number eight is my favorite number. I really want to go above and beyond for you on this episode. I think I have just the question from someone to do it.
This is a very unique situation, one that I just became aware of today. The situation that this woman is in is so unique and interesting that I immediately put all the other scheduled podcasts aside to do this one specifically.
Here is a side note. The person who recorded this message wants to remain anonymous. You’re not going to hear her name. From this point on, we’re going to call her “Anonymous.” Her situation is fascinating. Even if you’re not trying to get your ex back or you’re trying to learn more about men in general, this is going to be a fascinating episode for you. I am really excited to start this.
Let’s hear from Anonymous:
“I need your help. I’m in dire need of your help. I have a very unique situation here. Time is of the essence. My ex-boyfriend’s name is also Chris. We broke up about a week ago, the day after our anniversary. We were together for a little over two years.
Honestly, I don’t think there’s any way of repairing this relationship. After thinking about it, I don’t know if he’s the best fit for me. I have a major issue. He helped me land a lead role in a feature film. The issue I’m having that is, he’s blocked me in every way and I cannot contact him, nor have I since we broke up.
I told him I would give him time and space. With the feature film, I haven’t been able to contact anyone. I don’t have anyone’s information because he was the middle man. The reason is that he promised he would set up a party or take me to California. As a surprise, the cast and crew would be there and I would sign a contract for this film. I have not signed the contract yet.
Every time we were supposed to go to California and have that party, it got rescheduled. Now he’s blocked me. Now he doesn’t want to see me. He won’t talk to me. But this is my career on the line. I left school for this movie. I’m worried that he’s going to screw it all up because he’s hurt and angry. I don’t know what to do.
I was thinking of emailing him tomorrow morning while he’s on his flight back home. He will not be with his sister, who dislikes me. He will not yet be with his family, who is also not that fond of me at the moment. I don’t know if I should email him. I don’t know if I should wait until Thursday or Friday.
Another thing I have yet to mention is that he’s moving to California ASAP, probably by the end of this month or maybe the beginning of next. He’s leaving very soon. If I don’t talk to him now, I don’t know when I’ll ever get the chance to.
I just need this information for the movie. I have to ensure that my future is still my future, that this career is going to begin, that I will be in this film. Could you please give me your advice as to what I can do? Thank you so much for your help.”
Wow, that is one interesting pickle you’ve found yourself in, Anonymous. I did go back to my Facebook page and I read through your message. There are some interesting facts that I learned that you didn’t have enough time to touch on in the voicemail. For the listeners, I’m going to go over some of the interesting things that I found out about this situation. We’re going to work on how to approach it.
Obviously, you don’t want him back. That’s great. I’m glad you came to that conclusion. I’m really glad you have the strength to understand that. Good for you. You were together for two years. He did help you land a lead role in a feature film, which is incredible. That is part of the reason why this is such an interesting story. I really want to help you achieve that dream and not rely so much on your ex.
Here is what I found out in the Facebook message that wasn’t on the voicemail. The director contacted her. The lead actor and the lead producer both said that they would not take part in this film unless she was a part of it. I think that’s important. The big problem that Anonymous has found herself in is the fact that she doesn’t have anyone’s contact information.
Her ex-boyfriend did. Her ex-boyfriend is being a little bit vindictive. I think he’s honestly trying to ruin her career. It’s a little selfish on his part and very immature. He should be ashamed of himself for what he’s doing. We’ll figure out how to navigate this situation, I promise.
She was supposed to sign the contract at this party that her ex-boyfriend was setting up. Her boyfriend truly was the middle man, which is a tough situation to find yourself in. I imagine you feel very helpless. I understand that time is of the essence here so I’m going to do my best. I rushed to get this podcast out. I’m going to do my best to give you the best advice I possibly can to help you achieve what you want.
In this particular situation, it’s not to get your ex back. It’s to get the contact information for the people that you need to get in contact with to ensure that your career continues.
When we look at your situation, Anonymous, you’re not the only one who’s going to be listening to this podcast. There are going to be hundreds and thousands of people listening to this podcast. I would like to give them some really helpful and useful information that could maybe be related to their situation. A lot of them are still trying to get their exes back. Maybe they’re trying to get over their exes.
The first part of this episode is going to be dedicated to them. I will say this. Even though it’s more geared toward general knowledge for the listeners, I would still listen to it. It’s going to tie into when I get to your situation. We’re going to be making assumptions in the general knowledge portion of this episode that are going to be extremely important later in the episode when we get to your game plan.
I took the liberty of looking up the definition of “vindictive” because I think Anonymous’ ex-boyfriend is being extremely vindictive here. What is vindictive? Vindictive is defined as having or showing a strong or unreasoning desire for revenge. Think about that. Your ex-boyfriend, after you go through a breakup, may potentially want revenge on you. This is a more common thing than you’d expect.
What do I mean when I say that it’s a common thing? When you look at a breakup, there are only two reactions that a man can have after a breakup. I suppose there are more than two, but there are two reactions that I want to zone in on here. The number one reaction is that he could handle the breakup with class. The number two reaction is that he could handle the breakup with anger.
Let me talk a little bit about class. A man who handles a breakup with class is rare. There’s a lot of emotions that go into a breakup. In fact, not many people give the real reasons for why they’re breaking up with the person. They’re afraid of hurting them. They’re afraid of confronting all the emotions, I suppose. Someone who handles a breakup with class is someone who is probably not going to make a big scene about it. They’re going to accept the decision and maybe even move on. If they want their ex back, they’re going to put the work in to do it. In fact, I’ve found that the people who have the best success at getting their ex-boyfriends back are the women who are classy in their breakups. They’re not vindictive. They’re not angry. They just go right to work to improve their situation.
The second reaction that a man could potentially have after a breakup is anger. Anger leads to vindictiveness. That’s what I think happened in Anonymous’ situation. They went through a breakup. Like I said, I read through the Facebook message that she sent me. I have to say, there were some arguments that went on in the relationship that probably caused her ex to become vindictive with her. Is he right? He’s absolutely not right. But it’s happening anyway.
Why are ex-boyfriends vindictive? What causes them to be vindictive? It’s very common. Men often like to paint themselves in the victim role. Everyone sympathizes with the victim. No one sympathizes with the person who is victimizing the victim. At a subconscious level, a man understands this, so he puts himself in the victim role. He says, “No, she’s the one who is doing all of this to me. I’m the victim. You should feel sorry for me.” In a weird way, it makes a man feel good. It makes him feel good that others are on his side. He needs that attention. It’s weak minded, in my opinion, but it does happen.
A lot of times, after a breakup, he will blame you for things that may not even be your fault. I’ve seen crazy situations. For example, a guy cheated on a girl. Then he blamed the girl for his cheating because she made him feel like he had to cheat on her. That’s bizarre. This is what goes on in some crazy men’s minds.
You have to be very careful when navigating this situation. It’s almost like a rocking boat. If you step too much on one side, the whole boat will capsize. You really have to be careful about how you navigate this situation with these types of men.
I would also like to talk a little bit about a man’s need for an ex-girlfriend to beg for him back. One thing I’ve established throughout the episodes of this podcast and also throughout my site, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery, is this idea that men love to feel wanted. What makes a man feel more wanted than a woman who is begging for him back? That is the ultimate form of being wanted. Sometimes, a man will find leverage to make this happen. I almost have a feeling that this is what Anonymous’ ex-boyfriend wants to happen. He wants her to beg for him back. It’s going to not only make him feel wanted, but it makes him feel powerful. This is a big point.
Some men just can’t deal with strong women. I think maybe this particular ex-boyfriend can’t. He can’t deal with the fact that his ex-girlfriend is getting this lead role. He’s not dating her anymore so he’s taking it out on her. He’s thinking, “What’s the point of me doing this for her anymore?” It’s selfish but I think that’s what’s happening. I really think he’s being vindictive because he doesn’t feel powerful anymore. He is willing to sabotage her success because of it.
Will this last? Will he be like this forever? Will he give up this contact information to his ex-girlfriend? Maybe. But she might have to prod him along to make him do it.
What should she do? Let’s get to Anonymous’ game plan. What should she do to make sure her career thrives and that she gets in this feature film, even though her boyfriend is essentially holding this information hostage from her?
In my opinion, she needs to attack this problem in two different ways. There is a plan A and plan B. Plan A has to do more with the ex-boyfriend. Plan B is what I’d like to talk about first. Plan B is the fallout plan. If things don’t go right with plan A, go to plan B.
What is plan B? Go around the ex-boyfriend. She said in her Facebook message to me that the director contacted her, the lead actor and producer said that they wouldn’t do the movie without her. Clearly, the people involved with this project want her to be a part of it. She just doesn’t have any of their contact information.
All she really needs is one person’s contact information. Then she can get the rest of the confirmation. For example, let’s say the lead actor. The lead actor probably has the director’s and producer’s information. That’s who she really needs to get in contact with to sign this contract to get her career going.
I would recommend to try to find just one person’s contact information. You might have to go through certain channels. I don’t want to sound mean, but if you’re sitting there and telling me you can’t do it, you’re wrong. I know you can do it.
The example I’m going to give you here is from a man named Tim Ferriss. He wrote this book called The Four Hour Work Week. It’s been a couple of years since I read it. Something always stuck out to me about it. In one of the beginning chapters, he told this story about how he went to Princeton or one of the Ivy League schools.
He gave a speech there and offered a full-paid trip to anywhere in the world they wanted if they were able to get in contact with someone like Bill Gates or Steve Jobs, who was alive at the time. They would need to get in touch with someone popular or a famous entrepreneur that would seem impossible to get ahold of.
Very few would do it. In their minds, people would hear his idea. They would think, “I’ll get a full-paid trip but I have to contact this impossible person to contact.” They would beat themselves in their minds already and they wouldn’t do it. They wouldn’t even try to do it.
Anonymous, you need to figure out how to just get one person’s information. In my opinion, I think the lead actor’s information would be easiest to get. If you have to go through phone books, if you have to go through mutual friends to find this information, do it. Don’t put your fate in your ex-boyfriend’s hands.
You don’t have control in that instance. He has control. In plan A, I’m going to talk a little bit about how to get that information from him but don’t operate under the assumption that you will be able to. That’s dangerous. I put plan B in place for you to go around him and try to get the information yourself.
You should probably do these plans in tandem. In other words, do them at the same time. While you’re trying to get the information from your ex-boyfriend, also try to get the information for the director, producer or actor. There is a way to get their information. You contacted me and I’m not easy to get a hold of sometimes.
You contacted me through Facebook. I noticed that you contacted me through Google+ Hangout. You contacted me through the podcast. I’ll bet you emailed me. You went crazy trying to get a hold of me, and you got a hold of me. Look what’s happened now. I’m creating an entire episode about you. Don’t tell me that you can’t do it because I know you can. You just have to be willing to get creative and put the work into it. I know you can do it. You’re an actress. You’re about to be in a feature film. You are obviously able to be creative. Work to find that information. All you need is one person’s information. That person, or the lead actor, will be able to give you the rest of the information. You’re in the money right there. That’s plan B.
Let’s talk a little bit about plan A. I know this is really what you want to hear more about, Anonymous. I understand that. For whatever reason, if plan A doesn’t work out, I don’t want you to sit there, twiddling your thumbs and wondering what happened. I want you to take action and try to get that information from those other channels in plan B.
What is plan A? I like to call it playing possum. I’ll tell you an interesting story about my wife and I. One night, we were going to bed. She happened to notice this tail sitting on the windowsill of our window. We live on the first floor. There’s a window right next to our bedroom. She noticed this tail and this horrible smell. I went outside and noticed that it was a possum. I was freaked out.
I thought, “It’s a possum. What do I do? How do I get rid of this thing? This thing smells horrible. We won’t be able to sleep with this thing still there.” I get the genius idea of picking up a stick thing. I wanted to throw it at the possum to try to scare it away. I threw it at the possum. It just sat there. It didn’t move.
I realized later, that’s where that phrase “playing possum” comes from. It just sits there and waits you out. My wife read something that said some sort of smell scares it off. She gave me a glass of window cleaner or something that had ammonia in it. I threw the water at the possum and it took off running.
What I would like you to do is play possum a little bit. At the beginning of this episode, I talked a little bit about the mindset of an ex-boyfriend after a breakup, when he’s vindictive, gets angry at you and wants revenge. I talked specifically about him being in the victim role, wanting to feel powerful and wanting you to beg. It makes him feel wanted.
Those of you who know me well know that I’m not a fan of begging. I’m not going to ask you to beg, Anonymous. I just want you to understand where he’s coming from. He’s more likely to give you the contact information if he gets what he wants. Don’t beg. Understand that he wants to feel wanted by you. Play to that a little bit. Make him feel wanted a little bit if you contact him. You definitely shouldn’t beg. You need to have more self-respect than that, but play possum a little bit. I know you don’t want him back but play the game a little bit.
You’re trying to get this contact information from him. Play possum. Make him feel wanted. In your message, do things that make him feel wanted. Tell him you’re sorry. Tell him you’ll probably never find someone as good as him. You don’t have to really mean it. You’re just trying to get this information. Play to his feelings a little bit and he’ll be more likely to give the information up. I like to call this priming. You’re building rapport with him.
You were wondering if you should email him, and I think you should. He blocked you in all of these other areas. I think you should email him. I don’t recommend this for someone trying to get their ex back. Anonymous here isn’t trying to get her ex back. She’s just trying to get this information from her ex.
Email him. In the email, don’t ask for the information directly. If you do that, he’s going to think, “That’s all she wants me for.” You need to play the game a little bit. You need to warm him up a little bit. Then strike. Then get the information. It’s called priming him. You build enough rapport before you strike.
For women trying to get their exes back, I often call this building attraction and priming him before you ask for a date or transition from a text message to a phone call. In your case, you’re trying to prime him to give you the director’s information. Don’t be angry with him. Anger, confronting him or starting a fight isn’t going to help you at all.
Instead, be very classy. Don’t bring up the fact that your career is on the line here or, “You’re potentially ruining my career.” Just prime him. Give him what he wants a little bit. Do not beg for him back. Be nice to him a little bit. Prime him and then he’ll be more likely to give you that information.
Of course, if plan A doesn’t work, you can always go to plan B. I would work them in tandem if I were you. It seems like you are very motivated to get this contact information to make sure that your career takes off. Work plan A and plan B in tandem. You’ll probably have a higher chance of success.
This was Episode 8, a very interesting episode indeed. We may be talking to the next Angeline Jolie or Jennifer Aniston. I thought this was really interesting. This is one of the more interesting situations I’ve encountered. Technically, it doesn’t have to do with teaching this person to get her ex back but I think a lot of insight can be gained from this.
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This was a really great episode. Thank you for sticking with me here. I can’t express how grateful I am for the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Nation and everything that you have done for my life. I’m just trying to give back to your lives. I’ll see you tomorrow.