Did you know that vindictive is defined as having or showing a strong or unreasoning desire for revenge?
Well, in this episode we take a look at an ex boyfriend who is being awfully vindictive,
We hear from Anonymous (our caller today) who may have just landed her first feature film.
There is just one problem, her ex boyfriend has all the contact information for her to sign a contract to make it official.
As you may have already guessed, her ex boyfriend is holding that information hostage from her.
What I Cover In Episode 8
- The two reactions men can have after a breakup
- Why ex boyfriends can be so vindictive
- Victim roles
- Blaming YOU (even if your not at fault)
- Why men need to see women beg
IMPORTANT Links Mentioned
Anonymous’ Game Plan To Get The Information
There are two plans for anonymous,
- Plan A
- Plan B
These plans should be worked in tandem meaning they should be implemented at the same time.
Lets first look at Plan A.
PLAN A
- Playing Possum- I tell a funny possum story about a real life encounter with a possum I had at night a year ago. I tie this story in to how Anonymous should approach her ex about getting this information back.
- No Begging- While playing possum you shouldn’t beg for your ex back. You need to have more self respect than that.
- Prime Him- Don’t come out of the gates asking for the contact information you are seeking. You need to prime him a little bit before you do that.
PLAN B
- Go Around Ex- Your ex boyfriend isn’t the only person who has these high value targets’ information. Make sure you make every effort you can to get the information outside of your ex.
- Tim Ferris Example- In the episode I give a real life example of someone who did this and won an all expense paid trip to anywhere in the world.
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Podcast Transcript
Welcome to Episode 8 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. A little fun fact, the number eight is my favorite number. I really want to go above and beyond for you on this episode. I think I have just the question from someone to do it.
This is a very unique situation, one that I just became aware of today. The situation that this woman is in is so unique and interesting that I immediately put all the other scheduled podcasts aside to do this one specifically.
Here is a side note. The person who recorded this message wants to remain anonymous. You’re not going to hear her name. From this point on, we’re going to call her “Anonymous.” Her situation is fascinating. Even if you’re not trying to get your ex back or you’re trying to learn more about men in general, this is going to be a fascinating episode for you. I am really excited to start this.
Let’s hear from Anonymous:
“I need your help. I’m in dire need of your help. I have a very unique situation here. Time is of the essence. My ex-boyfriend’s name is also Chris. We broke up about a week ago, the day after our anniversary. We were together for a little over two years.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizHonestly, I don’t think there’s any way of repairing this relationship. After thinking about it, I don’t know if he’s the best fit for me. I have a major issue. He helped me land a lead role in a feature film. The issue I’m having that is, he’s blocked me in every way and I cannot contact him, nor have I since we broke up.
I told him I would give him time and space. With the feature film, I haven’t been able to contact anyone. I don’t have anyone’s information because he was the middle man. The reason is that he promised he would set up a party or take me to California. As a surprise, the cast and crew would be there and I would sign a contract for this film. I have not signed the contract yet.
Every time we were supposed to go to California and have that party, it got rescheduled. Now he’s blocked me. Now he doesn’t want to see me. He won’t talk to me. But this is my career on the line. I left school for this movie. I’m worried that he’s going to screw it all up because he’s hurt and angry. I don’t know what to do.
I was thinking of emailing him tomorrow morning while he’s on his flight back home. He will not be with his sister, who dislikes me. He will not yet be with his family, who is also not that fond of me at the moment. I don’t know if I should email him. I don’t know if I should wait until Thursday or Friday.
Another thing I have yet to mention is that he’s moving to California ASAP, probably by the end of this month or maybe the beginning of next. He’s leaving very soon. If I don’t talk to him now, I don’t know when I’ll ever get the chance to.
I just need this information for the movie. I have to ensure that my future is still my future, that this career is going to begin, that I will be in this film. Could you please give me your advice as to what I can do? Thank you so much for your help.”
Wow, that is one interesting pickle you’ve found yourself in, Anonymous. I did go back to my Facebook page and I read through your message. There are some interesting facts that I learned that you didn’t have enough time to touch on in the voicemail. For the listeners, I’m going to go over some of the interesting things that I found out about this situation. We’re going to work on how to approach it.
Obviously, you don’t want him back. That’s great. I’m glad you came to that conclusion. I’m really glad you have the strength to understand that. Good for you. You were together for two years. He did help you land a lead role in a feature film, which is incredible. That is part of the reason why this is such an interesting story. I really want to help you achieve that dream and not rely so much on your ex.
Here is what I found out in the Facebook message that wasn’t on the voicemail. The director contacted her. The lead actor and the lead producer both said that they would not take part in this film unless she was a part of it. I think that’s important. The big problem that Anonymous has found herself in is the fact that she doesn’t have anyone’s contact information.
Her ex-boyfriend did. Her ex-boyfriend is being a little bit vindictive. I think he’s honestly trying to ruin her career. It’s a little selfish on his part and very immature. He should be ashamed of himself for what he’s doing. We’ll figure out how to navigate this situation, I promise.
She was supposed to sign the contract at this party that her ex-boyfriend was setting up. Her boyfriend truly was the middle man, which is a tough situation to find yourself in. I imagine you feel very helpless. I understand that time is of the essence here so I’m going to do my best. I rushed to get this podcast out. I’m going to do my best to give you the best advice I possibly can to help you achieve what you want.
In this particular situation, it’s not to get your ex back. It’s to get the contact information for the people that you need to get in contact with to ensure that your career continues.
When we look at your situation, Anonymous, you’re not the only one who’s going to be listening to this podcast. There are going to be hundreds and thousands of people listening to this podcast. I would like to give them some really helpful and useful information that could maybe be related to their situation. A lot of them are still trying to get their exes back. Maybe they’re trying to get over their exes.
The first part of this episode is going to be dedicated to them. I will say this. Even though it’s more geared toward general knowledge for the listeners, I would still listen to it. It’s going to tie into when I get to your situation. We’re going to be making assumptions in the general knowledge portion of this episode that are going to be extremely important later in the episode when we get to your game plan.
I took the liberty of looking up the definition of “vindictive” because I think Anonymous’ ex-boyfriend is being extremely vindictive here. What is vindictive? Vindictive is defined as having or showing a strong or unreasoning desire for revenge. Think about that. Your ex-boyfriend, after you go through a breakup, may potentially want revenge on you. This is a more common thing than you’d expect.
What do I mean when I say that it’s a common thing? When you look at a breakup, there are only two reactions that a man can have after a breakup. I suppose there are more than two, but there are two reactions that I want to zone in on here. The number one reaction is that he could handle the breakup with class. The number two reaction is that he could handle the breakup with anger.
Let me talk a little bit about class. A man who handles a breakup with class is rare. There’s a lot of emotions that go into a breakup. In fact, not many people give the real reasons for why they’re breaking up with the person. They’re afraid of hurting them. They’re afraid of confronting all the emotions, I suppose. Someone who handles a breakup with class is someone who is probably not going to make a big scene about it. They’re going to accept the decision and maybe even move on. If they want their ex back, they’re going to put the work in to do it. In fact, I’ve found that the people who have the best success at getting their ex-boyfriends back are the women who are classy in their breakups. They’re not vindictive. They’re not angry. They just go right to work to improve their situation.
The second reaction that a man could potentially have after a breakup is anger. Anger leads to vindictiveness. That’s what I think happened in Anonymous’ situation. They went through a breakup. Like I said, I read through the Facebook message that she sent me. I have to say, there were some arguments that went on in the relationship that probably caused her ex to become vindictive with her. Is he right? He’s absolutely not right. But it’s happening anyway.
Why are ex-boyfriends vindictive? What causes them to be vindictive? It’s very common. Men often like to paint themselves in the victim role. Everyone sympathizes with the victim. No one sympathizes with the person who is victimizing the victim. At a subconscious level, a man understands this, so he puts himself in the victim role. He says, “No, she’s the one who is doing all of this to me. I’m the victim. You should feel sorry for me.” In a weird way, it makes a man feel good. It makes him feel good that others are on his side. He needs that attention. It’s weak minded, in my opinion, but it does happen.
A lot of times, after a breakup, he will blame you for things that may not even be your fault. I’ve seen crazy situations. For example, a guy cheated on a girl. Then he blamed the girl for his cheating because she made him feel like he had to cheat on her. That’s bizarre. This is what goes on in some crazy men’s minds.
You have to be very careful when navigating this situation. It’s almost like a rocking boat. If you step too much on one side, the whole boat will capsize. You really have to be careful about how you navigate this situation with these types of men.
I would also like to talk a little bit about a man’s need for an ex-girlfriend to beg for him back. One thing I’ve established throughout the episodes of this podcast and also throughout my site, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery, is this idea that men love to feel wanted. What makes a man feel more wanted than a woman who is begging for him back? That is the ultimate form of being wanted. Sometimes, a man will find leverage to make this happen. I almost have a feeling that this is what Anonymous’ ex-boyfriend wants to happen. He wants her to beg for him back. It’s going to not only make him feel wanted, but it makes him feel powerful. This is a big point.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizSome men just can’t deal with strong women. I think maybe this particular ex-boyfriend can’t. He can’t deal with the fact that his ex-girlfriend is getting this lead role. He’s not dating her anymore so he’s taking it out on her. He’s thinking, “What’s the point of me doing this for her anymore?” It’s selfish but I think that’s what’s happening. I really think he’s being vindictive because he doesn’t feel powerful anymore. He is willing to sabotage her success because of it.
Will this last? Will he be like this forever? Will he give up this contact information to his ex-girlfriend? Maybe. But she might have to prod him along to make him do it.
What should she do? Let’s get to Anonymous’ game plan. What should she do to make sure her career thrives and that she gets in this feature film, even though her boyfriend is essentially holding this information hostage from her?
In my opinion, she needs to attack this problem in two different ways. There is a plan A and plan B. Plan A has to do more with the ex-boyfriend. Plan B is what I’d like to talk about first. Plan B is the fallout plan. If things don’t go right with plan A, go to plan B.
What is plan B? Go around the ex-boyfriend. She said in her Facebook message to me that the director contacted her, the lead actor and producer said that they wouldn’t do the movie without her. Clearly, the people involved with this project want her to be a part of it. She just doesn’t have any of their contact information.
All she really needs is one person’s contact information. Then she can get the rest of the confirmation. For example, let’s say the lead actor. The lead actor probably has the director’s and producer’s information. That’s who she really needs to get in contact with to sign this contract to get her career going.
I would recommend to try to find just one person’s contact information. You might have to go through certain channels. I don’t want to sound mean, but if you’re sitting there and telling me you can’t do it, you’re wrong. I know you can do it.
The example I’m going to give you here is from a man named Tim Ferriss. He wrote this book called The Four Hour Work Week. It’s been a couple of years since I read it. Something always stuck out to me about it. In one of the beginning chapters, he told this story about how he went to Princeton or one of the Ivy League schools.
He gave a speech there and offered a full-paid trip to anywhere in the world they wanted if they were able to get in contact with someone like Bill Gates or Steve Jobs, who was alive at the time. They would need to get in touch with someone popular or a famous entrepreneur that would seem impossible to get ahold of.
Very few would do it. In their minds, people would hear his idea. They would think, “I’ll get a full-paid trip but I have to contact this impossible person to contact.” They would beat themselves in their minds already and they wouldn’t do it. They wouldn’t even try to do it.
Anonymous, you need to figure out how to just get one person’s information. In my opinion, I think the lead actor’s information would be easiest to get. If you have to go through phone books, if you have to go through mutual friends to find this information, do it. Don’t put your fate in your ex-boyfriend’s hands.
You don’t have control in that instance. He has control. In plan A, I’m going to talk a little bit about how to get that information from him but don’t operate under the assumption that you will be able to. That’s dangerous. I put plan B in place for you to go around him and try to get the information yourself.
You should probably do these plans in tandem. In other words, do them at the same time. While you’re trying to get the information from your ex-boyfriend, also try to get the information for the director, producer or actor. There is a way to get their information. You contacted me and I’m not easy to get a hold of sometimes.
You contacted me through Facebook. I noticed that you contacted me through Google+ Hangout. You contacted me through the podcast. I’ll bet you emailed me. You went crazy trying to get a hold of me, and you got a hold of me. Look what’s happened now. I’m creating an entire episode about you. Don’t tell me that you can’t do it because I know you can. You just have to be willing to get creative and put the work into it. I know you can do it. You’re an actress. You’re about to be in a feature film. You are obviously able to be creative. Work to find that information. All you need is one person’s information. That person, or the lead actor, will be able to give you the rest of the information. You’re in the money right there. That’s plan B.
Let’s talk a little bit about plan A. I know this is really what you want to hear more about, Anonymous. I understand that. For whatever reason, if plan A doesn’t work out, I don’t want you to sit there, twiddling your thumbs and wondering what happened. I want you to take action and try to get that information from those other channels in plan B.
What is plan A? I like to call it playing possum. I’ll tell you an interesting story about my wife and I. One night, we were going to bed. She happened to notice this tail sitting on the windowsill of our window. We live on the first floor. There’s a window right next to our bedroom. She noticed this tail and this horrible smell. I went outside and noticed that it was a possum. I was freaked out.
I thought, “It’s a possum. What do I do? How do I get rid of this thing? This thing smells horrible. We won’t be able to sleep with this thing still there.” I get the genius idea of picking up a stick thing. I wanted to throw it at the possum to try to scare it away. I threw it at the possum. It just sat there. It didn’t move.
I realized later, that’s where that phrase “playing possum” comes from. It just sits there and waits you out. My wife read something that said some sort of smell scares it off. She gave me a glass of window cleaner or something that had ammonia in it. I threw the water at the possum and it took off running.
What I would like you to do is play possum a little bit. At the beginning of this episode, I talked a little bit about the mindset of an ex-boyfriend after a breakup, when he’s vindictive, gets angry at you and wants revenge. I talked specifically about him being in the victim role, wanting to feel powerful and wanting you to beg. It makes him feel wanted.
Those of you who know me well know that I’m not a fan of begging. I’m not going to ask you to beg, Anonymous. I just want you to understand where he’s coming from. He’s more likely to give you the contact information if he gets what he wants. Don’t beg. Understand that he wants to feel wanted by you. Play to that a little bit. Make him feel wanted a little bit if you contact him. You definitely shouldn’t beg. You need to have more self-respect than that, but play possum a little bit. I know you don’t want him back but play the game a little bit.
You’re trying to get this contact information from him. Play possum. Make him feel wanted. In your message, do things that make him feel wanted. Tell him you’re sorry. Tell him you’ll probably never find someone as good as him. You don’t have to really mean it. You’re just trying to get this information. Play to his feelings a little bit and he’ll be more likely to give the information up. I like to call this priming. You’re building rapport with him.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizYou were wondering if you should email him, and I think you should. He blocked you in all of these other areas. I think you should email him. I don’t recommend this for someone trying to get their ex back. Anonymous here isn’t trying to get her ex back. She’s just trying to get this information from her ex.
Email him. In the email, don’t ask for the information directly. If you do that, he’s going to think, “That’s all she wants me for.” You need to play the game a little bit. You need to warm him up a little bit. Then strike. Then get the information. It’s called priming him. You build enough rapport before you strike.
For women trying to get their exes back, I often call this building attraction and priming him before you ask for a date or transition from a text message to a phone call. In your case, you’re trying to prime him to give you the director’s information. Don’t be angry with him. Anger, confronting him or starting a fight isn’t going to help you at all.
Instead, be very classy. Don’t bring up the fact that your career is on the line here or, “You’re potentially ruining my career.” Just prime him. Give him what he wants a little bit. Do not beg for him back. Be nice to him a little bit. Prime him and then he’ll be more likely to give you that information.
Of course, if plan A doesn’t work, you can always go to plan B. I would work them in tandem if I were you. It seems like you are very motivated to get this contact information to make sure that your career takes off. Work plan A and plan B in tandem. You’ll probably have a higher chance of success.
This was Episode 8, a very interesting episode indeed. We may be talking to the next Angeline Jolie or Jennifer Aniston. I thought this was really interesting. This is one of the more interesting situations I’ve encountered. Technically, it doesn’t have to do with teaching this person to get her ex back but I think a lot of insight can be gained from this.
Please subscribe to my podcast. I will put information in the show notes of this episode. You can find the show notes at www.ExBoyfriendRecovery.com/episode8.
Thank you for listening. Again, please subscribe and leave a review. It really helps. I’m really trying to get more reviews. I want the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Nation to take over the podcast world. If you can, take three or four minutes out of your day and leave an honest review. I’m not going to ask you to give me a good review, I just want you to give me an honest review of what you think.
I will see you tomorrow. I’m dedicated to creating episodes five days a week for this podcast. If you’re going to work, you can listen to me. If you’re going home from work, you can listen to me. I’m all about having a daily podcast to help everyone.
If you want your questions answered and you want to be featured on the podcast, please visit the contact page of Ex-Boyfriend Recovery. I have information there about how you can record a voicemail and potentially be featured on this show.
This was a really great episode. Thank you for sticking with me here. I can’t express how grateful I am for the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Nation and everything that you have done for my life. I’m just trying to give back to your lives. I’ll see you tomorrow.
Evette
April 14, 2022 at 12:09 am
Hello, wanted to know how to stop my ex from being vindictive? Like we had a pretty bad break up… he basically moved out of the house but stayed in contact with me… but now he makes plans with me and at the time of the date he stops responding to msg… he says he wants to fix things between us and that he loves me but then doesn’t make it to the date… then next day sends me a msg saying sorry… I know I was frustrated with alot of things in the relationship… but now he even thinks I cheated… what to do?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
April 21, 2022 at 12:29 pm
Hey Evette, it sounds as if he is scared of losing you as an option but also does not want you back. NC for at least 30 days.
Frances
July 4, 2015 at 8:47 pm
hi chris,
this podcast really spoke to my situation but i feel that it was a little unclear about what you should do if you are in this position but you do want your boyfriend back, because this one is my soulmate, the love of my life, and i know it. mine is extremely angry and hurt, feels betrayed and used even though i have been left completely empty-handed by the whole affair (nowhere to live, no job, and no one to love me). i don’t see there being a chance at him being even a little bit nice to me. what plan should i take?
Chris Seiter
July 8, 2015 at 11:52 pm
Are you doing the NC rule?
Lee
June 15, 2015 at 9:02 pm
Hi Chris. so i’m in a situation that I need help with..
so I’ve been in an 8 yr relationship with my ex and have we have 2 kids…well over a month and a half we had a fight where he didn’t out right tell me we were over but implied it because we hadn’t been getting along for the last six months…I acted and said things, because I was hurt and angry and I knew what he was implying or so I thought… to were that he finally did say later after a week that he was done…so we do live together but he works out of town and lives in camp…I never had a cheating or someone else issue as he always been devoted to me…but since he been gone, he handle that breakup calmly and I acted out bad behaviour and desperation, which I know I shouldn’t have been trying to fix us and begging…anyway 3 weeks came and went and he blocked me and we ended up having a convo where he started yelling at me saying it was my fault, and now he become vindictive and sending mean texts in regards to our place and bills and blocking me and now complete blackout where on his days off he goes to his families instead of coming home…how do I go about fixing what I know I did wrong from listening and reading this site…I should mention originally he said he come home and that he said he had fallen out of love so to speak as his way of saying it was ” I can’t love you like a couple”…he never gave a reason why he decided to say he was done… help!
Sofia
May 23, 2015 at 12:47 am
How do you deal with a man who does tit for tat kind of thing? For example, I was insecure because i kept thinking that he was doing “something” with another woman. And on another day, he would say somewhat similar to me. This happened a day or two ago. I recently completed my study and he asked me what I would want to do after that. I told him that I was gonna travel. I was inwardly surprised that he messaged me “You sound like you want to go meet someone special.”
I am starting to think he wants me to feel what I did to him with my insecurity. So I decided that I do not want to hit him back with the same response and so I remained calm, albeit a tad puzzled. I would like to know how do I end this tit for tat? And what does it take for a man to learn what he is doing is not working? Will he eventually stop doing the tit for tat?
Thanks Chris!
Sofia
June 15, 2015 at 10:08 am
It is like you do this to me and i am gonna keep it. I will use it when the time comes and i will do that back to you. So that you will know how i feel what you did to me back then.
How do i exactly stop this vicious cycle?
Sofia
June 5, 2015 at 8:06 am
This incident just happened 2 days ago. He called me incessantly the other night. And I texted him that i couldn’t answer the call. He went on asking where i was and what i was doing. I didnt answer him at all till 2 hours later. When I got back to his call, he probed further about whereabouts. I told him i was out with someone. And he said that he will remember the date of this conversation because I was out with someone. And i felt that spelt jealousy. After explaining to him the actual event, he became calmer. What made me hesitant is he could be spiteful towards me when argument arise. How do i stop this action? I do this thing and he doesnt like or frustrate him. He will keep it inside his heart, i guess. And he even resort to quoting my words to go against me.
How do i stop this kind of argument?
Chris Seiter
June 1, 2015 at 10:07 pm
The tit for tat thing confused me.
Can you try simplifying it for me a bit?
angel
April 27, 2015 at 7:24 am
Hi Chris,
I am in a very complicated situation and i really need your help.
I met my ex three months ago and it was a fairytale with everything gong right etc. We connected really well and even had similar likes. He was madly in love with me and did everything right to win my heart including. We then “GOT MARRIED”(I know it was too soon).
After few days after the marriage we had an argument. Both of us said some mean things to each other.He then just stopped talking to me and said he wanted a “DIVORCE”. We then had a role reversal and now i literally started begging him to make this work because of the marriage.
He seemed very cold and reluctant to talk for a few days.He then started talking and asking how i am and what i have been upto etc.(He is very keen to know who i went out with etc) .
After the fight we met twice and he was normal at both times but when i asked him about his decision he said he wanted to get a “DIVORCE”. I am shocked by this behavior as he still has so much anger towards me.
Its been four days i have applied the “NO CONTACT” rule after reading your site. I am so scared he might move on as we were in a relationship for only three months .I am also confused if he is the right guy as he decided to go end things over a small fight.
Both of us are 29years old.
i read about types of mean you mentioned and he is a combo of an “egomaniac” and “the super committed”.
Please help.
Jess
February 28, 2015 at 4:14 pm
Hi Chris
This is a continuation to earlier text by me. As promised here is my 13 year long story/history.
I have also vm you and emailed you.
Need direction. I feel confused at times
Let me start with saying that I am a person that believes in “Everything happens for a reason. Everything has a purpose!”
13 years ago my ex and I first started dating / committed. Ironically 4 days after we both said we are exclusive I ended up in a car accident that relocated me to his apartment for 6 months (we live in the country and I was going to school and he lived in town). Hind sight being as it is…this was the first step to being wrong in everything that was to come. I stayed with him for 6 months and then was able to move into my own place (ironically again only 2 blocks away from him – which the lease for was signed prior to him and I dating). He had a friend that needed to room with him for school, however his landlord jacked up the rent and the ex and I thought it’s just better that the two of them move in with me since I had a 2 bedroom apartment. Second bad move now looking back at it….Now that I am older I know for that first year him and I were dating that we weren’t able to experience the “Honey Moon Stage” like a normal couple does. We got thrown into a chaotic situation that just seemed to continue. Don’t get me wrong we were very passionate toward each other and affectionate but I am afraid to say that we cheated ourselves out of an experience that we will never experience. Once his friend moved out and went back home after graduation the two of us had gotten comfortable living with each other and stuck with that idea. We lived for several years together before he got a promotion that required relocation upstate (about 3 hours away). Our first plan was for him to commute back and forth and that if we felt that it was a nice area to stay in we would both move up there. I live in NY and the winters can get nasty. So after just a month of commuting we both decided it was safer for him to get a place of his own and we visit each other on our days off. So he moved up north and I stayed back home. Now I know you don’t like the cheating stories but once you read the entire story you may have a different view toward at least this situation. While his stay (solo) up north he cheated on me with a co-worker. And we split up. During the split we had a Pregnant Scare — thought that I was, but thankfully I wasn’t. But out of respect for him I told him that I might be and told him when I found out that I wasn’t. Phew. A couple weeks later he was at more door step asking for me to take him back. I did. I did to the point that I moved up north and got a job and we lived together, yet again. But up north we were happy. We had date nights. We had solo nights. We were extremely passionate, romantic and loving toward each other. Then he lost his job up there. Luckily he was able to collect unemployment. But a decision to move back to my hometown was made since he was jobless (honestly I do not know if he is the one that made the decision, if I did, or if it was a mutual decision). We moved home. Back home now, him and I decided that the best move for him while on unemployment was for him to further is education and go back to school. And this is where things started to really fall apart I think. His decision to go further North to a school that was, once again, about 3 hours away. He swears that he told me but even to this day I don’t remember that conversation. (I will explain why I might not have later). So my ex left, yet again. Before leaving we had made a game plan that he would visit every other weekend and that we would IM each other, text and call as much as we could. And through out his entire college career we did. The problem however with this college thing was that this was the first time that we both had an extensive amount of time apart from each other and was able to experience ourselves but us as a couple also. And when it came time for him to come home (although neither of us at the time siaid it ) neither of us wanted the other to live with them. We were both thinking that I want to be with them but I am liking this freedom of my own life at the same time. But unfortunately he moved back in. And it was the worst, hardest, and most awful 6 months that our relationship ever had. We were never a couple that argued. And we argued all the time. He got a job, but was staying up later. Then it turned into going out with friends. Which turned into not coming home, but would text. Then not coming home and not even texting me. Or he would come home and he would sleep on the couch. It got so bad that (5 days before Christmas) I actually kicked him out. I admit it was late at night (11 pm ) when I kicked him out. And he was thankful able to find a friend that he was able to room with. And a friend that eventually he stayed with until he was able to find an apartment 6 months later. At that time of the breakup we had decided to take a month or two away from each other and at that time we would decide whether we wanted to stay together. Obviously we stayed together. But he stayed in his apartment and I stayed in the apartment that we both had rented out. This lasted for 2 years. We had good days, and not so good good days – like any couple — but nothing major. He would surprise me with weekend get aways. He had actually started to add me to some of his bills (phone bill for example). It seemed good (or so I thought). In April of 2014 he had taken me out for a beautiful and romantic weekend getaway. And at the getaway he told me that he was going to go see his father in Florida for about a month. And part of the reason for such a wonderful weekend was because he thought I was going to mad, flip out on him; all because he would not be around for my birthday. I told him it didn’t bother me but honestly to a certain extent it did. While in Florida we called. He would complain about family…lol. But when he came home it was different. He became more and more distant. He became not as receptive to emotions and didn’t want to spend as much time with me. Yes my defenses went up. And yes as a woman I did the common wrong thing, which was I got clingy, desperate, needy — gosh everything you can think of that you shouldn’t do. Until in September 2014 he came to me and said I can’t do this anymore. We are done. I see no future with you. I see us never moving back in together. It is done. I want out…and he was cold, malice, awful.
My desperation kicked into over drive at that point. To the point of clear psycho maybe. And this behavior turned out to have him and I blow up at each other and said AWFUL things to each other out of anger. We stopped communication for a little while. Then in October I had texted him and asked how he was doing if he wouldn’t mind texting and talking for a bit. Which he did. We talked for a bit. But he was still distant. But at least kind at this point. Thanksgiving came and went. Christmas came and went. And at the end of December we had both had gifts for each other and I had asked if we could exchange gifts. He agreed. At this time we were both civil and for the most part respectful. We made a day plan for him to come to my place and we exchange and talk a bit. The day of the exchange at first he wanted to move the time back. Which I was cool with, even told him I was. Then he came back and said that he had evening plans and either do it the following day or earlier. I said whatever. I don’t know how we got to where he ended up coming to my place but he ended up coming to the apartment before he was going to the “evening plans”. When he pulled in to my driveway it was not his car (oh, by the way we have matching cars…yes we do). He came up we exchanged we talked very brief before he said he had to go. I asked whose car that was and he its’ a Friends. He left. As he was pulling out I looked out the window to see what/who it was and I saw a woman sitting in the passenger seat. OH YES I FLIPPED OUT!!!. Psycho mode kicked into overdrive. I texted him and was not too nice. Got the confirmation that was his girlfriend….that one word every woman broke up dreads to hear. HOWEVER, as I was freaking out (over texts) he was at this party and actually left her at the party to go to a neighbor to text me. Calm me down maybe….idk. It was a rough time at that point. Not much communication happened. Then in mid January I was told by my Supervisor at work that I needed to talk to my doctor because she saw signs of depression in me. So after a hard time coming to terms and yes I was falling into something and I was falling out of control, I decided to go see my doc. And long and behold I was diagnosed with depression. I texted him when I got home and said I know we aren’t talking much but “I am cutting off all communication for at least a month. I got some bad news about my health that I need to figure out.” No communication for probably 3 weeks. My care took a crap (a royal crap) on me and because our cars were the same I had texted him and gave him a heads up to watch out for it to happen with his. That started the communication door to swing open again. I would keep him periodically updated on the progress of the car. And then out of the clear, a very odd 3 am text on a Saturday came to me that was long. Very long. Regarding that he was going to help me with the car to get it fixed. And then he briefly mentioned what was going on with himself. And ended the text that he would call me the next day to talk to me. WE HAVE NEVER TALKED ON THE PHONE SINCE THE BREAKUP IN SEPTEMBER. And long and behold the next day he called. First call I missed so he called a couple of hours again. And yes he is still dating that girl at this time (actually he still with her). I told him that I was’t sure if this was a good idea but agreed to let him help me. Texts began to happen more regularly. At one point I told him that I didn’t think this was healthy for me and that him talking to me was making it harder for me to move on. He would apologize and we would stop communicating for a couple of days or a week and the texts would start back up. Texts came from both ends. He would start some of them. I would start some of them. In one text him and I texted for 3 hours back and forth talking about him and my depression. It was honestly a really good session. There was no talk of wanting to get together with him. And he didn’t talk about her. My car is still on crapper and it has gotten to the point where he has physically become involved in getting this thing taken care of. So our communication is A LOT.
Now this is where I really want to get detailed….this past Saturday 2/21, him and I made a “date” that him and I would text / talk to each other. To get everything out on the table. About him and I and the break up. About my depression. For 6 hours we talked and texted. In that session he made it very clear that he did not want to be with me. That he actually wishes he could get his years back. That some of his wishes and plans in his wife were taken away because we were together. That he wished we could be friends because we have been together for so long and that it would be crazy to walk away from that but that he does not love me or want to be with me. That he clearly has moved on and that I needed to move on too. At one point he actually said to me that he wanted me to go out and see someone, date, etc. I am not that way. If my heart is with someone I feel that it is not fair to that guy trying to “date me” because my heart is not in it or with him. Although it was a harsh reality that yes he has moved on …. He confessed that he was awful to me. That he cheated on me, A LOT he said. And although everything was not as positive as I wanted it to be I was ok and he was ok talking to each other. His confessions were first and then he wanted to talk about my depression. It was hard and rough and therapeutic to talk to someone who knew me, who got me. He had gotten to a certain point that he wanted to talk on the phone and we ended up talking. Him about me moving on, about the harsh realities of my depression and the damage it has done, etc. He had said to me that afternoon while texting before our “date” (and I know it wasn’t don’t get me wrong) he had said that he had the whole day and night that he had no plans. Unfortunately at night, unaware that she was coming over, his girlfriend showed up and he had to get off the phone for a short time. 30 minutes later he texted me and wanted to continue our talking but I refused do so…I had actually told him that I wasn’t going to spill my feelings out to him while the girl that he cheated on me with was lying next to him. He very quickly texted back that he was in the living room and wanted to continue talking. That he wanted to help me if he could and wanted to know what he could or what I needed to help me. I was very persistent on not giving in and told him that I would talk to him later. He texted me Sunday 2/22 to see how I was and that he was going to work on finding the part for my car and that he was determined to get the car up and running. We texted together thru out the day. Talked about miscellaneous things. I had sent him a text early Sunday morning explaining what I needed and how I saw what we were going thru. He had said that he had read the text but wanted to reread it and maybe re reread it. Then today Monday 2/23, he texts me again to tell me that he was going to talk to the mechanic who has my car and figure things out. I was at work so I said OK. Asked a few questions about the car and stopped texting. So did he, and he was at work also. And now it leaves me to the end of the day, sort of…lol
Now the twist to this is that when I went to talk to my therapist about the depression she actually showed me and stated that my depression episodes evolved around our times of roughness. I asked if my depression could’ve played a role in the breakup and why we are where we are. That everytime I fell into an episode it pushed him away because I got so out of hand. And the worst my depression the further away he wanted to get away. Not that I am taking all blame…and he is not letting me either….but I feel that my depression episodes (that I never treated until now) through him to want to look elsewhere. He wasn’t getting the attention, affection and sex from me. Not to say that is an excuse for cheating but honestly I can see how it could happen. And now I feel he is telling me one thing (and is very firm on it) because he doesn’t want to live in that world of chaos of my depression and feeling something completely different. I say that because everytime I try to walk away he texts his way back into my life. He knows my heart is still with him. He knows I love him. I honestly don’t think he is trying to play a head game with me. And I honestly think he is genuinely concerned for my well being. But everytiime I tell him no I can do this without you or I got this he sneaks his way back in and helps me out. Or texts me. He has even agreed to us going out for “coffee” to see each other and talk to each other. But still stays firm with the “It is only as Friends. It is not so we can get back together” he has even said that he doesn’t want to have a false hope.
I am struggling Chris….I love the man dearly. With all my heart. I really want him back. Im confused with the idea that I am getting mixed messages in the aspect of he is telling me he doesn’t want to get back but “weasles” his way back in and continues with the communication and actually has increased the communication. Has actually upgraded the communication from text to phone. He says that he wouldn’t mind going out for “coffee” but its out of respect for me and that it’s not cause he wants to fix it. I feel although he says one thing he is thinking another. He denies that. Denies it hard. But I still am thinking it.
I am also a person that believes that everything happens for a reason. Everything has a purpose and a lesson to be taught. And I feel that (as messed up as it may sound) I am meant to be where I am right now. Screwed up. Feeling Lonely. Hard to get out and do anything. I am meant to be in a REALLY BAD DEPRESSIVE EPISODE. And he is meant to be with her right now. I have even accepted that idea. I hate the thought of it. But he is meant to be with her right now. And that what him and I are going through is meant for a reason. And I feel that I must stick with keeping him around and allowing him to stay in close proximity. I would be lying if I said that I don’t think that maybe it is because we are going to get back together and we will be stronger and better than we ever were. Because I am. But I’m not blind and stupid either and do have the horrible thought that maybe he is not meant to be with me. My thoughts, heart, feelings and beliefs steer me more toward the first scenario. I want to fight for him and for us as a couple. I feel whole heartedly that we are meant to be together. And that THIS, all of this, is for a purpose. No matter how hard and horrible it is right now.
Am I fooling myself or is there hope?
And if there is hope can you help me?
I am beyond the 30 NC rule – has happened — and we have broken the communication barrier.
But that girlfriend obstical and him being with her and not wanting to be with me is HUGE and hard to get through.
How do I get through that and start to remind him of the good things. And yes I have gotten some help for the depression — A LOT of help.
Or is this a hopeless adventure?
We still communicate via text and they seem to get more frequent
Jess
February 28, 2015 at 4:07 pm
I have a question…
My ex and I were together for 13 years. Fell apart 6 months ago. And recently we have started to text more regularly. He actually said to me that we need not set a time for us to talk nor a limit of talking. He has a new girlfriend that he went to when we split. I will go into detail in another post the history of our relationship so everyone understands our huge dilhema.
But my question is how do you steer texts from common “how u doing” or “how was your day” to a more meaning text that will capture him to want more?
Help
I am posting also our 13 year long story.
Thank you
Any advice is welcomed
Jess
Han
February 25, 2015 at 9:30 am
Can I ask something.. What does it mean when my boyfriend doesn’t introduce me to his friends and keeps on hiding? Does this suggest that he isn’t proud of me, or does it mean something else? Thanks for the help.
admin
February 25, 2015 at 9:43 pm
You sure can ask me something!
It means two things probably,
1. He is scared to show you off.
2. He doesn’t want you finding something out.
Han
March 3, 2015 at 1:22 pm
Oh. Haha. That’s what I said, you just rephrased it. 😉 So I was right in the first place.. Hmm.
So what could he be so scared about? And what does usually guys don’t want their girlfriend to know? I don’t know how men think. They’re kind of complicated. Please enlighten me.
admin
March 3, 2015 at 10:13 pm
Usually it revolves around another girl…
Or being caught doing something bad that they know they are in the wrong about.
Ji Eun
February 26, 2015 at 1:06 am
Oh. Haha. That’s what I said, you just rephrased it. 😉 So I was right in the first place.. Hmm.
So what could he be so scared about? And what does usually guys don’t want their girlfriend to know? I don’t know how men think. They’re kind of complicated. Please enlighten me.
Ji Eun
March 2, 2015 at 3:31 pm
what could he be so scared about? And what does usually guys don’t want their girlfriend to know?
Daisy
February 25, 2015 at 6:12 am
Hi CHRIS so my bf and I are in a long distance relationship (been two months since we decided to do long distance when he moved). We got into an argument about a week ago about how we were finding it hard to communicate through texting when we weren’t available to call each other. Stupid argument, and I apologized and now he’s not talking to me. I haven’t tried to say anything since but I wonder what should I do now? We really love each other but I just want this to be fixed!!’ Help please. Do I give him more space and then say somethjng? Should I wait a week or two longner
admin
February 25, 2015 at 9:37 pm
Try the I have a confession text.
You guys haven’t broken up yet right?