By Chris Seiter

Updated on March 8th, 2021

Today’s episode features a woman named Morgan who has a bit of a problem with her ex.

(More on that in a second.)

Before I go into the details of her situation I do want to say that often times I have no idea on whose question I am going to answer for the podcast. Sometimes I randomly pick at the screen of voice mails I get on a day to day basis,

Screen Shot 2016-05-02 at 7.54.51 PM

Other times I listen to each one very carefully one by one and pick out the situation that I think people would want to hear about the most.

But Morgan’s voice mail was different.

There was a lot of emotion in it and you could tell, just by listening that she wanted her ex boyfriend back.

I knew I would have to answer it ASAP.

So, here I am answering it in what ended up being one of the longer episodes for “The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast.”

What Is Morgan’s Situation

  • Morgan has been dating her ex for a total of two years
  • He is originally from Missouri and she is from Kansas (where they both live/ed)
  • He took a trip to visit his family in Missouri and that’s when the trouble started.
  • He wanted a breakup saying they wanted different things out of life
  • She wonders how she can get him back after he suddenly became so distant

What I Talk About In This Episode

  • A little about my past…
  • How to handle dating if you live in different states…
  • What I think is going through Morgan’s exes head…
  • If Morgans ex still cares about her.
  • How I think Morgan should handle her situation with her ex…
Is There A Chance Your Ex Will Take You Back?
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Welcome to the ex-boyfriend recovery podcast where we help you get your ex back and have the fairy tale ending you deserve! And now, your host, he’s been dubbed as the ex-whisperer, Chris Seiter!

Chris Seiter:

Hey! What’s up and welcome to another episode of the ex boyfriend recovery podcast. We got a really exciting episode planned for you today. We’re going to be talking about what to do if you find your ex boyfriend has become distant all of sudden. We’re going to be hearing from a woman name Morgan, who finds herself in a really interesting situation. Well, I suppose interesting isn’t the right word but time is of the essence today. We want to get this episode out as soon as possible for Morgan, so she can get the advice that she needs to get her ex boyfriend back. So, rather than ramble and tell you what’s going on with the website like I usually do. I’m just going to get right to it to you today and let’s hear from Morgan.


My name is Morgan. I’m 20 years old and I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost two years. He is originally from Missouri and we live in my home state of Kansas. A couple of weeks ago, he decided to visit his family in Missouri. I thought that was a great idea but when he got to Missouri, he started acting weird and distant. Now, he is telling me that he is not sure that he is in love with me anymore and he is returning to Kansas solely to get his stuff.

I asked him originally if when he got home, if I can have a month or so to work it out and not to give up on us. First he agreed but then changed his mind in things that we cannot be fixed because there was nothing wrong with our relationship. We just want different things in life. I don’t think that that’s true and I think that that’s a cop out. I don’t know what to do and I have until 6 o’clock tonight to find a way to influence him to not just leave and then at least hear me out.

I do not want to lose him. He is my best friend and I can’t imagine my life without him. If you could please give me any kind of advice before 6 o’ clock, that would be amazing but if that’s not. If that’s too much notice, I understand but any help you could offer me would be so much appreciated. Thank you for time.

Chris Seiter:

Hey, I wanted to take a moment and thank you Morgan for having the courage to tell your story. I understand, this is a really, really difficult time for you. And we’re going to do everything we possibly can here in the ex recovery family to help you. So, I guess, this is going to be kind of a unique episode because I’m going to be bringing a lot of my own personal experience to it because I feel like I can relate to your ex boyfriend on some levels but first things first, let’s talk about the 6 o’clock deadline.

To be honest with you, I don’t think that that is the best way to approach this situation. Especially when it comes to ex recovery. Ex recovery is not a short process. My other website—so, for those of you who don’t know. I know this podcast is geared towards women and women specifically on ex boyfriend recovery but ex boyfriend recovery isn’t the only website I own. I own two websites, ex boyfriend recovery and ex girlfriend recovery. I tried to help both men and women who want to get their exes back. So, on my other website, I actually ended up writing this really interesting article where I took kind of a mock situation where I was thinking, “Well, I’m constantly getting this questions about people who want to get their exes back as soon as possible.” And they rush through the entire process and more often than not, they fall flat on their faces. So, I took this mock situation to try to figure out what someone could do to get their ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend back, particularly their ex girlfriend since this was for the ex girlfriend recovery website.

But, so basically what this men could do to get their exes back as soon as possible and kind of the game plan I came up with, shortened the strategy that I teach on both website significantly but still the shortest strategy was 30 days. I mean this is not a quick process. So, I understand that this is may be hard for you to hear because I think everyone who can listen to this and everyone who can you know, hear your voice knows that you’re in a really emotional spot right now and I can just tell you really want him back. You really care for him and like I said, we’re going to do everything we can to help you but the first thing that I want to try to encourage you to do is not rush this process. I know it’s hard but trying to get him back in 2 hours and convince him to stop his entire plan of moving back from Kansas to Missouri is going to be extremely difficult if not impossible.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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No, I’m not going to say it is impossible because, I don’t know. I’ve seen crazy things happen but nothing that crazy that fast. I guess what I’m saying is odds are highly against you. So, for your own peace of mind, just accept right now that he’s going to move back but that doesn’t mean that you’re helpless and that you can’t do anything about it. It just means you’re going to have to take the long game. Now, if you don’t want to take the long game, I completely understand but that’s what I’m going to encourage you to do. I mean, I think on average this process can take between 45-60 days to get your ex back and for those who are listening who are just generally trying to get an ex back or just trying to get, I guess a boyfriend back in any situation you could think of. It’s not a quick process. It takes time and commitment on your part and even then you’re not guaranteed to get an ex back because no one can guarantee you that.

Even as great as my advice may be and as many success stories as I have had over the last several years that I’ve been running these websites, even I can’t guarantee. Because I don’t know a 100% what’s going on in every single man’s mind. I’m just sort of the medium or the bridge between your mind and his mind and to what he may be thinking.

Now, with that being said, if you’re willing to take a long approach, if you’re willing to accept, “Okay, I’m probably not going to get him back by 6 pm today but it doesn’t mean I’m out of the game. It just means I’m going to take a much different approach.” If you’re willing to accept that, I think I may have a game plan for you where you can be successful.

So, the very first thing that we’re going to talk about is my own personal experience. Like I said earlier, I think I can relate to your ex boyfriend in a way. Now, if you didn’t know this about me, I’m originally from Texas. I grew up there my entire life and I moved when I was 25 I believe, yeah 25. And to be honest with you, I never thought I would move from Texas. I thought I would move maybe from my parent’s house to an apartment, to a house and you know but all within Texas. I love Texas. I have nothing against Texas. It’s probably one of my favorite places on this earth to be. It’s my home town. I grew up there. I love it but then I met my wife and she lived in Pennsylvania.

Now, that post a serious issue because one, she would never take me seriously as a suitor because I live in Texas and Pennsylvania is pretty much like 1700 miles away. Now, that’s pretty darn far. So, the only way that we could make our relationship work is if I move to Pennsylvania and that’s what I ended up doing. Now, I was maybe a little bit young and naïve when I moved because I had just started to come into some success with the websites. I was thinking, “Well, you know, it’s not that big of  a deal. I had to move some time. It’s just kind of a longer move than I was anticipating. It’ll be easy.” It was anything but. It was actually extremely difficult to move and a lot of times, I wasn’t as happy as I wouldn’t have been, if I hadn’t have moved. Nothing against my wife. She was incredible. She was the reason I moved and she made it bearable but it’s really difficult.

I know that they have compared moving to a new state or something to like losing a job. That’s how long it takes to adjust and you know what they say. I think I read somewhere that I don’t know, it takes like a year and a half to—maybe even like 3 years I read one time, to like settle down when you are in a new place. From my personal experience, that’s true. It was difficult adjustment. I remember when we first moved into our apartment in Pennsylvania, we had no furniture and you know I worked from home and my wife at the time worked for an enterprise, a rental car company. She was like a manager there and so she would go to work, probably like at 6 am every single day and then get back at 6 pm or 7 pm.

So, I pretty much would be there alone the entire time and all we had was a desk with my computer on it to work and a TV and I remember literally just staring at the clock hoping it would be 5 pm or 6 pm and she would come home because it was sort of like being in jail for a little bit because I just didn’t know what to do with myself. I was scared to go out and look around. I was scared to kind of explore a little bit. I felt very not in my comfort zone but slowly but surely I got there. It took some time but I got there.

Now, I’m able to go out and explore around without any issue. And we obviously have more furniture and it feels more like a real apartment. And you know, my wife and I we weren’t married at that time but then we got married and we had a baby and our life turned out really, really incredible but it wasn’t easy that move. So, what I’m thinking could have happened with your ex boyfriend is that he moved from Missouri, is what you said I believe, to Kansas and the transition was tough for him and maybe you were the one positive part of that move because it takes a while for a human being to kind of sit down under a roof and feel comfortable right? So, maybe he latched onto you and you made him feel comfortable and then he went back to visit his parents and he felt their love and what it was like to be back home and you know he was thinking, “Man, this feels so great.” I don’t think it’s anything against you either Morgan.

I think just maybe, at his age, because he’s a lot younger than I was, I think maybe 5 or 6 years younger total of when I’ve ended up moving. So, my mindset at that time was a little bit more mature even though like I said, I was little naïve and thought the move would be easy. It was difficult. My wife is the only reason I probably got through it but your boyfriend on the other hand, maybe he just got scared a little bit. He didn’t feel comfortable so much and like I said, it’s nothing against you. You may have been the perfect girlfriend but still like I said moving that long of a distance or moving and going through this drastic life changes can be really difficult on any human being not just your boyfriend or not just men in general. So, if you’re looking for reasons for why he may have broke up with you and why he maybe thinks you guys want different things out of life, it could be that he just doesn’t feel comfortable. And Kansas—sorry Missouri and Kansas, I keep getting them mixed up. So, yeah I think maybe that could have potentially be what’s going on here and why he’s wanting to move back home. He wants to cut ties with you because he feels maybe uncomfortable personally there. Part of the reason that I ended up not following the same suit as your boyfriend is that I really had a very deep commitment to my wife. In fact, I think we were engaged maybe within a month of moving in and I was just committed head over heels for this woman. Not to say that he’s not head over heels for you but I was ready for that in my life. He may not be ready for marriage. He may be a little immature about things like that or he needs some more growing up to do.

Who knows? It could be millions of different reasons but what I personally think from drawing upon my own personal experience is he felt maybe a little uncomfortable in this new area and didn’t really quite have the guts to stick it out and set his roots his down and kind of normalize and it certainly takes some time to get there but you will get there eventually if you stick it out. I think that’s just the way it works. Now, as far as what you can do going forward. You know, the answer is—the reason I think he may have potentially pulled something like this is because of the uncomfortableness of moving this big life change blah blah blah… We already got all that.

So, what can you do moving forward? What strategies can you employ? Well, to be honest with you, I’ll just approach this like a long distance relationship breakup. Why? Well, because he’s moving back to Missouri. Again, I keep getting Missouri and Kansas mixed up for some reason but anyways, yeah. He is moving back to Missouri and you’re in Kansas, so you are basically, if you are going to try and get him back, it’s going to be like kind of a long distance relationship and as far as what to do with the long distance relationship. Stick to the game plan I teach on the website but you need to make some alterations to it.

No contact rule is going to be essential for you but that’s pretty much essential for everyone but after that really everything follows the same strategy. It’s really when you get to the in person meet ups. The in person meet ups are a much bigger deal when it comes to long distance relationships. So, I guess to give you quick crash course on my strategy for getting an ex back. The first step you want to take is the no contact rule. Ignore him for 21-45 days depending on your situation or what you feel comfortable with.

Then the next step is building attraction through text messages and then next step is to build attraction  through phone calls or Skype or Facetime or video chats and then the third step is the in person dates. And I like to teach these three date method where you go on a smaller date then a medium date then on a romantic date but that’s where the long distance relationship strategy kind of alters a bit because getting a date with an ex who’s states away isn’t easy. You know, getting a date with an ex whose 10 minutes away is simple. You can just text them up and say, “Hey, you want a cup of coffee?”, “Sure, let’s go get a cup of coffee.” Well, you can’t really do that if you’re ex is a state away.

You will have to build more attraction in the texting phase and the calling phase. Like you need to have a critical mass of attraction that you build. You need to focus a lot of your time and effort into building attractions through those methods and then after you feel like you have built this critical mass of attraction, that’s when you push to meet up in either a neutral state or neutral place or you visit him or he visits you. Now, this poses a problem for a lot of people because I think a lot of the people, a lot of the women specifically who come to ex boyfriend recovery don’t exactly have a lot of money. And in order to visit someone in a state, it is essential that you have three things. You have time. You have money, which I just talked about and then finally you have permission. So, let’s talk about those three things for the first time.

Well, if you don’t have a lot of money, you probably work at a job that doesn’t pay a lot and probably works you like a dog. So, getting time is essential. If you have a job, you have to be willing to maybe take a vacation day or if you don’t have a job that’s great but that brings up to the next point, you need money. Plane tickets can be expensive. My wife and I just took a trip out to Florida to look for a house to buy and the trip to Florida was not inexpensive. I believe since it was a last minute trip, it cost around $600-$700. Now, that is a lot of money. You know what I’m saying? So, if you—I guess what I’m trying to say is building this critical mass of attraction is essential but you know, if your ex is states away, then you’re going to have to catch  a last minute flight when you’re trying to ask for this date and last minute flights are typically notorious for being expensive.

Now, if you knew a month ahead of time that you were going to meet you ex up at this certain date then the flights become a little bit more inexpensive which is kind of the strategy I would recommend for you to approach. Build up a critical mass of attraction in the texting phase and phone call phase and then when you have the critical mass built, I want you both to set a date and stick to the date where you go out and get plane tickets maybe a month away until where the plane tickets are affordable and you’re not paying—dropping $700 to a $1000 on a plane ticket for a weekend where you see your ex, where you’re not even guaranteed to get them back.

Now, let me tell you a little bit more about my personal experience with this method because I have actually done this method with my wife. Now, we did it. We obviously were trying to meet up because we were in a relationship maybe 6 months before I moved in with her. So, for half a year we were in a relationship, we were a lot of states away. 1600 miles away. So, you’re 1600 miles away from your wife or future wife, how do you see her? Well, I try to see her at least once every single month but that required planning on both our parts. We needed to make sure that she could get time off and that you know, I guess I had the money to do it. So, it wasn’t as much of an issue for me but she also had to come visit me and visit my parents. So, she had to have the money to do that and the time to do that but before we even met before, we met online through Facebook through friends. So, we met online through Facebook through friends and we set up a day about two months in advance where we would meet and it was in Florida at her parent’s house and two months is pretty risky for someone you’ve never met but it’s sort of—it was that critical mass of attraction I was talking about. Enough attraction had been built to where we were willing to want to see each other and we set a date to see each other and stuck with the date and I kind of felt like we were dating before we met because we were both kind of committed to not hurting the other person’s feelings like I wouldn’t talk to any other girls at all while I was talking to her because I didn’t want to scare her off and she didn’t want to talk to any other men when she was talking to me because she, one,  didn’t want to scare me off and two, I was the one who had to buy the plane tickets to come see her and she would feel bad if she, I guess flirted or met someone else. So, I felt like we were kind of in this relationship without being in a relationship yet when we were talking and I feel like that is maybe the best strategy for you Morgan.

Maybe you can try to set up kind of a critical mass of attraction through text messages and phone calls where you kind of have this unspoken agreement where you’re not going to talk to other people when you set up this date maybe a month in advance or something. So, if you’re asking me, my strategy for getting your ex back is to do that. You know, set up a date where you visit each other and you know—with a normal break up I often say well, the best way to do is there’s got to be three dates, the small date, the medium date and the romantic date. The thinking behind this is you’re basically upping the ante on every single date. You’re making it more and more romantic as you go along. That doesn’t necessarily apply when you’re talking about long distance relationships because and often times, especially if you’re states away, you almost get only one chance, one shot at goal. You have to make your time with your ex as romantic as possible and you have to do a lot of things like leave him wanting more which is kind of a cool thing about long distance relationships. I guess one of the biggest positives is a lot of the time that you get together in person is super romantic. It’s super intense. It’s I don’t know. I’m looking for all sort of lovey dovey adjectives I can think of but—critical mass of attraction maybe the best one. I hate to use that one again but it builds a huge critical mass of attraction on both parties and then all of a sudden one of the people has to go home or both of the people have to go home. So it constantly leaves both people wanting more.

So, that leads me to my next point. Ultimately getting him back is going to be contingent on getting either together in the same state or working out some sort of commitment where you have a deeper commitment like marriage or something but no matter how you slice or dice it, you’re going to have to get back on the same state so, maybe that means you have to be willing to move to him. If he’s comfortable and you think you can undergo the physical and emotional stress of moving such a long distance and not knowing anyone and being alone in a certain extent, you’re going to have to try to take some of ‘those risks perhaps or you know it’s sort of a talk that you and your ex have to have when you get to that point but don’t ever talk about that until maybe you see him in person or you got him in the best possible mood you can possible get in and you’re far down the road in the ex recovery process.

This is probably the way I would approach it if I was in your shoes Morgan. I wouldn’t try to get him back by 6 pm. I think that’s a complete mistake because ultimatums never work and you are self imposing an ultimatum on you. Like I have to get him back by this or by this date and time or it’s all over forever. That’s not the case. It’s not over. You still have a shot. I’m not going to say it’s a great shot because I think him moving back to Kansas for you is not as likely and I don’t know how you feel about moving to Missouri and I feel like that’s a decision that you should come to on your own without any kind of prods or pushes from me. I’m just trying to tell you what I think and what I think is, I think in the future if you are to get him back, I think you would have to be the one to move to him. So, maybe he can be in his comfort zone but at the same time there’s drawbacks to that because you leave your friends and family. You leave your support system and you’re in this new strange place where you don’t really know anyone. Maybe you do know his family but it’s still not the same as having your family there or having your own support systems or network of friends which is something that I learned myself.

I had my wife’s family which now they are my real family because I married her but at that time it’s such a drastic difference because I didn’t have any friends besides my wife. I didn’t really know anyone again besides my wife and her family and I didn’t really have a support system to kind of fall back onto. I didn’t have people that I could like kind of rely on and trust. I just felt like I was—just had my wife and that was it and it takes a while to build that stuff back up. It took me a good maybe two years before I felt like, “Okay, I feel like I’m kind of getting more at home here.” So, if you’re willing to take that kind of risk then I think you should maybe go full steam ahead with what I just tried to explain to you. That long distance way of getting your ex back Morgan but if you’re asking my personal opinion, I think if you can’t handle the fact that you’ll probably end up having to be the one to move to him in the end, I think maybe it might be time to just let him go and not think about it anymore. Just try to move on from it. I’m trying to be as helpful as possible here. I’m trying to give you a look at every single aspect of this situation and part of that is just me giving you my personal opinion on your chances.

Do you have a chance? You absolutely have a chance. This isn’t over you know. Is it a good chance? I would say long distance relationships have the worst chance at success rates than some of the more general breakups just because of the distance can provide so many extra roadblocks to overcome. Can they be overcome? Well, you’re talking to someone who overcame a long distance relationship. Not that my wife and I ever broke up but the long distance relationship itself is so difficult to manage that it feels like you’re going insane sometimes. So, Morgan just try to look at this logically. Try not to rush yourself into anything ok? Just know that it’s not over if he moves ok? It’s really not. You still have a chance. I don’t want to give you false hope because like I said, your chances, it can be as great as some other people’s chances perhaps but I will say, if you were you willing to put everything you have into this, you can get him back for sure. So, don’t self impose. Don’t put that self impose 6 pm time limit on yourself. You’re better than that.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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I hope I was helpful. I really tried to provide as much personal experience in everything as I could to your situation but if you’re asking my professional opinion as a relationship consultant. I feel like it’s a mistake to look at it like you have to get him back by 6 pm. I would say try to get him back, take the long game—if you’re trying to get him back, sorry. And that is it.
I think that’s everything that I wanted to talk to you about today. I wanted to thank you for taking the time to listen to me ramble on Morgan and all of you who are listening and listening to ramble on with Morgan, thank you so, so very much. I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me, for my family. I really appreciate what you’ve done for my websites because without you these websites wouldn’t exist. One of the things I liked about Morgan’s message was the fact that she kind of got choked up there at the end. Not that I’m like kind of a dick about it like I like seeing people cry, I don’t but it makes me realize how serious people are about getting their exes back because sometimes I get a little removed from that. I’m thinking about the analytical side of things. I’m thinking about, “Ok, if you do this, this and this it’s going to equal this.” But sometimes it’s good to get the human element. Sometimes I kind of forget a little bit. I’ve got things in place to help me be more productive for you and help you out. Everything that I’m trying to do is to help you obviously but sometimes I feel a little over robotic in the way that I think now.

So, getting the human element, hearing people talk about their exes and how much they want them back and how hurt they are by the break up. It’s good for me to help me understand you better and as a result, hopefully I can just continue to give good advice to everyone who wants it. That’s going to do it for this episode of the ex boyfriend recovery podcast.
Again, thanks for letting me ramble on and thanks for listening to me. I’ll see you again next week. Bye


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254 thoughts on “EBR 045: What To Do When An Ex Boyfriend Becomes Distant”

  1. Liz

    September 8, 2016 at 6:36 am

    This podcast episode reminded me a lot about my situation. I don’t really have a specific question, but would like some advice on how to proceed. I’m 28, and he is 34. We met on an online dating site and were long distance for about 5 months. We moved rather fast, he asked me to be his girlfriend the second time we met. We talked on the phone for hours at a time on a daily basis, but had only really met 3 or 4 times before he decided to move to me.

    We dated for about another month once he moved here, and the last couple of weeks he started to become distant. He would turn down opportunities to spend time with me, and when I asked him about it, he said that he was tired, and reassured me that everything was fine. After it continued, I pushed it a bit further. He eventually told me that he just wasn’t feeling the same, and that he wanted to take a break. After about 2 1/2 weeks (reading through the blog posts, I realize now that that may not have been enough time…) of no contact I initiated a meet up to talk about things. He agreed, and then broke up with me. His reason being the same. He didn’t feel he same and it wasn’t something I did, he just goes by what he feels. I’m still confused because I felt like we had a really great connection and, a good relationship. When we talked, he spoke about possibly moving back to his hometown, or to another place where he had more friends and family. When I listened to this episode, it made me realize that maybe it could’ve been more the move than anything that made his feelings change. He is very impulsive, so the move here wasn’t exactly a super smooth transition, and I know he was unhappy. I feel like he sort of just gave up too soon though. I don’t know if we would have stayed together, but I just can’t stop feeling like he didn’t give the transition enough time. On the other hand, I don’t know if I really want to be with someone who gives up that easily… It also might be important to mention that we didn’t live together once he moved here. I am saving myself for marriage, and he was respectful of that. He did know that before moving to me. We didn’t live together, but I told him that I was willing to move in together. Any advice you could give me on this one would be great.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 9, 2016 at 11:08 am

      Hi Liz,

      yeah the move might have been too much for him.. I think you need to do 45 days and if you ever talk again, keep in mind that it might be a long distance relationship

  2. Jade

    July 20, 2016 at 9:22 pm

    Hello there,
    My boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 months now. We aren’t broken up, but he almost ended things with me saying he hasn’t been feeling the same about me. He said he needed some space, but he’s willing to try to work things out. There isn’t anything really wrong with our relationship other than some family issues that were bringing my mood down lately, but he was there through it all and helped me. That lasted about a month. But after that he was acting a bit strange and distant and not wanting to hang out and talk as much and ignored a “Good morning” text message from me.. But he still says that he loves me, and he even says it first most of the time. So I decided to get Chris’s book just in case/to prevent our relationship from ending. I’ve been trying the No Contact rule a bit. (It’s only been a week since he told me how he felt) but he has work on the weekends so we aren’t able to contact eachother friday through sunday even if he wanted to. But i tried not contacting him on monday and he only texted me “goodnight”, so I ignored it and then he texted again later “i love you”, so I said i love you back. Tuesday I went all day with texting him, but then I actually had an important question for him, for a paper I was filling out, and he replied right away. Still telling me goodnight and I love you after my question was answered.. What I’m trying to get at is how should I go about the no contact rule and texting since we aren’t actually broken up, and he still says things like I love you, but that he doesn’t exactly feel the same way as he did about me, and that he needs some space?
    Thanks, I hope to hear back from you soon.

    1. Jade

      July 20, 2016 at 9:26 pm

      Sorry Tuesday I went all day WITHOUT texting him..

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 21, 2016 at 7:46 pm

      Hi Jade,

      thanks for trusting us.. you’re actually on the right track.. just start to be more active now.. go out with friends too

  3. Ann

    July 11, 2016 at 2:07 pm

    I just found out the real reason he broke up with me. he was seeing other girl before initiating the break up. this tears me up. but i still did not contact him or talked to him. i don’t have the urge to talk anymore. help 🙁

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 12, 2016 at 8:20 am

      better not to.. take your time first to decide if you can forgive him or move on

  4. Ann

    July 11, 2016 at 12:13 am

    Hi amour, I just found out. He cheated on me. One of his bestfriend told me. Prior to the time that he broke up with me. I don’t know what to say or feel

  5. Ann

    July 8, 2016 at 1:47 pm

    Thank you Amour. I deleted our relationship status and changed mine as single. was that a good move? since he is the one who broke up with me.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 8, 2016 at 4:47 pm can make him worry.. but it’s better to do indirect ways like just continuing on with your posts

  6. Ann

    July 7, 2016 at 6:41 pm

    Thank you for being honest. I have enrolled and been going to the gym, worked my ass off, and have been going out since we broke up. But I am not active in facebook, i did not open it since we broke up. and my friends are telling me that he did not remove our relationship status. what would be the best next move?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 8, 2016 at 5:47 am

      start being active in social media and I think it’s better if you extend to 45 days

  7. EBR Team Member: Amor

    July 7, 2016 at 4:48 pm

    HI Ann,

    the more imporant questions is if you’ve been improving yourself and building a new routine, bcause if you haven’t, you have to restart the count.. You were the chaser, so unless he sees you’ve really moved on and improved, there will be less chance of attracting him back..


    July 5, 2016 at 10:44 am

    Hi Armor/Chris, I hope you can give me some advice, I am losing my mind thinking of my relationship. My bf and I have been in a relationship for 3 and half years and in the last 2years things have been on and off, I want a steady stable committed relationship and he thinks 3years later we are still companions, he has no interest in a commitment or marriage, there are a number of reasons for his choice to name a few below, it may sound like he is aggressive but he is not, sometimes he does convey things with less emotion but normally he is really sweet when we together.
    1. Work
    2. Negativity about his career status and life – mid life crisis
    3. Time and Energy – he feels our relationship is too much energy, so I literally see him on weekends and that has been our visiting time for the last 3 and half years
    4. He has family obligations so his sole purpose is to be here for his family, I am always last on his list
    5. He will only marry a woman who can have his child – I am unfortunate in that department
    As mentioned our relationship has always taken the back seat in his life as he has other responsibilities. When I question about our future and ask where are we going he says that he loves me and I should walk with him, but I keep asking where am I walking to. Things have just come to an end and its been two weeks since we communicated . As mentioned we have broken up a few times but I am the one who keeps apologising and trying to make things work, he never apologises or even calls when we fight or break up. I must say things are not all bad with us, the only time the frustration of the relationship kicks in is when I question our future together and my importance in his life. I feel this time I don’t want to run after him as this is his proving point of how much I truly mean to him hence I have not contacted him, but it the same breadth knowing from the past he is not likely to contact as he has done so before and I risk losing him, I really love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him because I believe that irrespective of his obligations, and all the reasons above, we both deserve be happy with each other. Please help me win my love back to a more committed relationship.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 6, 2016 at 6:12 am

      Hi Denise,

      have you talked about solutions to all of those? And check this post out: How To Make Your Ex Boyfriend Commit

  9. Amy

    July 1, 2016 at 2:42 pm

    Hi everyone,

    I’m confused out of my mind about my ex’s behaviour. My ex and I met at university, and thus have been living in the same house (though in separate bedrooms) for three years now, hence we see each other every day. He’s introverted, quite slow in making decisions and is not impulsive. He comes from a family with conservative attitudes towards relationships (no sex before marriage etc.) yet does not subscribe to them. I was his first girlfriend, and he was my first serious boyfriend (I had a few flings before him).

    We were in a great relationship for two years: we were best friends, spent a lot of time together, had lots of sex (which he was only ready for a year after we had started dating) and were affectionate with each other. Last summer, completely out of the blue, he broke up with me, saying we wanted different things and that he’d fallen out of love with me. I was devastated because he had never raised any concerns and it was a surprise to me. Coincidentally (or not), this was a month before we were supposed to go on our first trip together to my home country where he would have met my parents for the first time. We were also talking about living together after university, about which his parents were skeptical because we were not married (although I should note that they really love me and were supportive of our relationship).

    However, we had a very amicable split and stayed friends. We got back together soon after he came back to university after the summer holidays – we were apart for two months and it’s worth noting that we stayed in touch throughout that period.
    When we got back together, he told me what an idiot he had been and that he really believed in us. He said he thought we could really make it work. Sadly, this time we only lasted seven months – he drifted and became distant. Ultimately, I broke up with him because after seven months of being together, he still couldn’t tell me that he loved me (note that the first time we were together he said it quite often). During an honest conversation we had after, he told me he would have broken up with me had I not done it first. The reason? Same as the first time, i.e. not very clear. Just fell out of love.

    Once again, we broke up amicably, but then madness ensued. He became close with one of my female housemates, and it made me paranoid. It didn’t help that I found him sleeping on her bed next to her a week after we broke up (which they said was accidental as they were going to watch a film and simply fell asleep due to being drunk). He got angry at me for being suspicious and trying to control him. I now know that they are just close friends and that she helped him get through the breakup. But at the time I was so heartbroken I tormented her with messages about it, which she told him about. Ultimately another friend had to step in and have a conversation with me about my behaviour. My ex was so angry that he told our friends to never let him get back together with me ever again. I stopped and took a step back.

    For a few weeks, we avoided each other as much as we could. I got better. The more comfortable I got being myself around him and our friends, the more interested he seemed. One evening, we had a great time spending time with our friends. We were joking around together, laughing together, and he seemed open. The next morning I sent him a very generic message about one of the games we played that evening. He replied instantly. That same day, he stopped me on the stairs to chat about a TV show that we used to watch when we were together. It used to be our thing – we would lie in bed together cuddling and watching the TV show. I thought it was a good sign.

    The next day he left for the weekend to spend some time with his friends in another city and go out partying. I sent him another funny message, to which it took him 4 hours to reply, though I know he had seen it. When he came back, he was cold and distant. I waited a week and tried sending him another message about a job offer that I knew would interest him. It took him a day to reply.

    He then went away for a week to see his family. We had no contact during that time. Once again, he was quite distant. But then we had another evening with friends during which he spent the whole evening sitting next to me, our legs and arms touching (because we were all crammed on a small couch). He seemed really cordial. The next day – boom, distant again, avoiding touching me or even looking at me. I sent him another message saying I was glad we could still hang out as friends. No answer, and it’s been a week.

    When one day I casually mentioned to my friend that I was going to go out with one of my girlfriends, her boyfriend and her boyfriend’s friend for coffee, my ex (who was in the room) became all fidgety and nervous – I think it might have been the idea of me starting dating someone else. Bizarrely, he was suddenly opening doors for me, and tried to organise a friends’ outing to a restaurant (which he never does) for dinner. I didn’t go as I had other plans, but I thought it was pretty strange.

    If I was to listen to my gut, I think I’d say he still cares, but I really don’t know – maybe it’s just me being hopeful. He doesn’t completely ignore me – he often joins conversations I am having with our friends, or asks me a generic question, but does so without looking me in the eye. Yet I sometimes catch him looking at me. He hangs around the kitchen watching our favourite TV show. And whilst normally at the end of the academic year he goes home for the summer, I’ve found out that he’s planning on finding a job here and staying here for the summer – which I think is strange, especially if he doesn’t want to be around me.

    We have now been broken up for about a month and a half. We see each other every day. Since that time I got all crazy and paranoid, I have not acted that way not even once since. I have been friendly, open, and visibly pretty happy. I’ve lost weight, got an amazing job and started spending more time with my friends. I really don’t understand what his behaviour means – does he still have feelings for me or has he moved on? What should I do? Should I talk to him and tell him that I want us to give it another shot? Please help!

    1. Amy

      July 1, 2016 at 10:56 pm

      Thanks for your reply Amor.

      And if both times the reason for the breakup was that “his feelings changed” and he “fell out of love”, and it wasn’t really an impulse decision on his part, is there a chance that the third time around it will work? I suppose what I’m asking is, is our relationship even salvageable due to us having been deeply in love at one point for over a year before it fell apart, or are my hopes just plain stupid? I now know from mutual friends that my ex feels guilty for having hurt me and apparently is distant because he doesn’t want to give me the wrong impression. Is it just…over?

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 4, 2016 at 9:48 am

      let’s say it’s better if the previous relationship but if you’re asking for a restart.. I think there’s still a chance, depending on what you will do over timw

    3. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 1, 2016 at 6:11 pm

      Hi Amy,

      don’t ask that right ahead..rebuild rapport and attraction slowly first.
      let the relationship grow slowly and naturally

  10. EBR Team Member: Amor

    June 22, 2016 at 5:26 am

    Hi Emily,

    can’t ask hi if there is not enoigh rapport and attraction yet.. Y
    Build rapport and attraction through text first and then through calls.. but if you still don’t trust him then it’s better to hold off doing that for now

  11. Lee Sweden

    June 21, 2016 at 8:03 am

    Hi there.

    Hope you are well. I have a really unique situation. And hope there is a way you can help me out.

    I was casually seeing this guy for a couple a months.
    We went on 3 dates even hung out at the place he worked and made plans to see eachother the next day

    Then he suddenly broke things off the next day I saw him saying he didn’t want to be in a relationship

    The thing is. Right before he broke it off I started to seriously catch feeling for him. And I’m very good at reading people so I was aware that he was probably just scared off.

    I didn’t talk to him for a month but then out of no where we kept running into eachother and we got back on track. But j noticed I was always the one reaching out to make plans.
    Sometimes I would pay for drinks even though it was his idea to take me out in the first place.

    We then start becoming more emotionally connected and he starts saying things like he needs me in his life. Mind you. We are seeing other people and dating eachother but when he said this I took it very seriously.

    My birthday comes up. He doesn’t show then the next day I try to initiate a conversation with him and he asks me about my birthday. (Which was awful)
    I start saying how I didn’t think he cared and I was surprised he asked. And that things were confusing between us

    And he said ” he wanted to be friend for now because he care a lot about me, and wants to be close but him dating other people has gotten really out of hand and he needed to take a break”

    I was really in my feelings. I had a horrible birthday and he was the only who cared enough to ask. At this point we had been casually dating for about 5 months. We hadn’t had sex yet because we never got the opportunity to (conflicts of being able to host in our apartments)

    So my respond was to Analyze him. Deeply. And he didn’t like that at all. I was coming from a place of hurt and confusion and told him he was dependent on me emotionally. And how could he ask me to be friends when he feels the same way I feel. It made me feel under appreciated especially cause I was always reaching out.

    THEN he denied ever saying he needed me in his life and said he didn’t ever do that. He said he has a therapist and friends to depend on. And he said the only reason I was lashing out was because my friends let me down on my birthday. Which was true. I hung up and said sorry the next day and that is was going to take my space from him and hopefully we could be friends

    He thanks me for the response and said “of course we are still friends” but that was 2 weeks ago. I haven’t heard from him. But I miss him so much. I don’t know how to go from here. To casually dating to actually having a relationship. I’ve never felt this way before I usually don’t have trouble getting over peopl but this was the first person in 4 years of not dating I actually had a connection with.

    His birthday is this week. And I’m pretty sure we are found to the same musical show this week. I know don’t think he will invite me to hang for his birthday but I’m going to see him at this music festival before then. I have no idea how to get what I want.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 21, 2016 at 9:45 pm

      Hi Lee sweden,

      I think you’re friend zoned.. You should check this post out: EBR 012: How To Get Out Of The “Friend Zone” With Your Ex Boyfriend

  12. Alexandra

    June 16, 2016 at 6:36 am

    I feel miserable… I gave up my whole life from Romania to come and live in Israel with my boyfriend and he breaks up with me after one year and a half of relation because he realized this isn’t what he wants…he doesn’t want me! After all the time and effort that I sacrificed! I want to die! I love him so much, I did so many things for him and he throws me like a plastic bag… We’re still living in the same house, is hard with the NC, I feel he won’t come back to me anymore, this is the 2nd time he breaks up with me…

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 17, 2016 at 7:16 pm

      Hi Alexandra,

      I think the real reason is the first reason you said in your first comment, when he said the problem is communication and that he thinks you don’t understand him because if it’s really religion, it doesn’t match up with what you said that you’ve always said you were open to converting. So, it looks like he’s just using that as an excuse..

      Do nc first.. Improve yourself emotionally, physically, socially and when you get to talking again, don’t bring up past issues. Just concentrate on building rapport again with him.

  13. Nelly

    June 15, 2016 at 3:48 am

    Oh boy am I at a lost at what to do I need your help!

    I’ll try to make this short. My boyfriend of just over a year broke up with me end of March. His reason was to “be alone to work on himself.” I was hurt because to me it came out of no where and we never fight. I went into a month on NC. I initiated the first texts. Next thing I know he is calling me my pet name and slowly became flirty and initiating his own texts. We finally met up at the beginning of May, and well hooked up. The next week we met a few times and hooked up. But I found out he started hooking up with a new girl 2 weeks after we started being in each others lives again. Her name is Ariane and its actually his best friend’s ex.

    Anyways for 2 more weeks he was all about seeing me and texting me and we would hook up (and well he would also with her) and I was fed up because I was feeling used and I wanted commitment. I promised the next time I would put an end to sleeping with him. End of May he invited to watch his sports game and he was so sweet to me. It was like he was my boyfriend again, where as before he seemed only interested in doing it. He invited me to stay the night and was super affectionate and we didn’t have sex. Instead he did all his sweet cuddling and little things he used to do when we were together. I was beyond happy because I thought it meant he wanted me back and Ariane meant nothing. I saw him a few days later and he told me we were only friends and he doesn’t want to lead me on into thinking he wants me back. I saw him the next week where we watched a movie and well hooked up after. But since that meet up (end of May) he wants nothing to do with me. Ariane is ALWAYS over. He doesn’t know that I know about her and he hides her from his friends. Even though they tease him about it he says nothing. I continued texting him like before but since the end of May ignores most. I would ask to do something, and he would blow me off. Clearly it’s because of Ariane but he isn’t telling me.

    I even brought it up to him last week. I asked him if I did something wrong (I know that was needy but I wanted to give him a chance to explain why the sudden change of behaviour. Why does he suddenly stop answering texts or wanting to see me). He told me he simply didn’t feel like hanging out at the moment. I was confused because before he was all about seeing me and well sleeping with me and technically I don’t know he is seeing another girl. I was like we’re still good though right? he said yes.

    I had another conversation today that went horrible. I asked him to do something and he blew me off and then lost it on me. Told me I was needy and suffocating him. That it’s border line crazy how I’m asking him to hang out and he does not want to see me every week. He said my constant texts and neediness is making him question if he even wants to be friends with me. He says I act like we are more than friends. He kept basically blaming me. But I have been acting as I had before when we were hooking up. It seems now because of Ariane he wants to cut me out completely. But he won’t say it’s because of her. I told him look it seems out of no where that you’ve been rude to me and ignore me. You were fine before seeing me once a week, heck even more than once a week. Now suddenly you don’t want to and I have no real explanation as to why. He told me he has close friends that he hangs out with once a week and ones he talks to and sees once a month and nothing more and that I fall into that category.

    I replied with I don’t mean to come off as needy or suffocating. It’s just ever since we last hung out it’s like you want nothing to do with me and I got no explanation from you why that is the case. Before our last hang out you had no problems with me texting and hanging out with you. You even invited me to your sports game and I enjoyed that a lot, but now I don’t think you’ll invite me again. You had no problem with me texting you or hanging out with you every week. Hell we hung out more than once a week. I continued texting you and wanting to meet up like before, but something changed. I felt it being different and it came out of no where. I started feeling like you wanted nothing to do with me and well you even admitted you did not feel like hanging out. I did not know I was bumped down the friend ladder so to speak. You only expressed it today so how was I to know what you expected from me…

    I got no reply.

    I’ve been acting exactly how I was after no contact and well hooking up. But now to him it’s “needy” and “suffocating.” and clearly it seems because he wants to cut my attention off because he wants to be with Ariane. He has basically pushed away to probably no return. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I should call him out on Ariane? Go into NC again? Say something else to him? I just don’t know….HELP!!!!

    1. Nelly

      June 26, 2016 at 5:19 pm

      Tried calling today & off course he didn’t answer. It’s rude & hurtful that I have respect for him to answer when he called but I don’t get it in return. I’m going NC again but I doubt I’ll even want to reconnect with him afte…

    2. Nelly

      June 26, 2016 at 3:59 pm

      Well I hate to say it. I broke NC but he called me twice last night. So I answered. He asked me if I drove by his friends house where they are all at since a friend said the saw me. I’m like no. Then he told me he knows I drive by a lot his house (I live in a different town but work next door at a school) I’m like yes I’m in your town at the school. I drive by your house & get coffee daily what can I say? School is out now don’t worry I’m not in your town anymore. He said I’m scared for you. I hear you tell my friends to drive by. (Not true. One of his friends gf texted me about seeing her car over & well also seeing mine over & we discussed it & I guess her boyfriend told my ex about our exchange). That on a Saturday I drive by while he was walking with the girl. I was like ah so you saw me that day? I wanted to wave. I left my wallet at the school & had to get keys to get in & get it (the truth). All these facts thigh lead me to look like a paycho I guess in his eyes. I asked if this is why he phased me out he thinks I’m stalking him. He wouldn’t give me a straight answer. Just said I don’t want to hang with you. I said is it that or because of your new girlfriend? He said she isn’t a girlfriend they hang out & that he knew I knew about her before I said anything. I told him well it would’ve been nice of you to say something instead of hook up with he while your with someone else I’m not down to sleep with someone who’s sleeping around. You’re clearly ok hanging out with her what’s the issue with hanging out with me? & he told me he had to go. I said I’d like to continue this conversation tomorrow please answer my call like I answered yours. I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON!!!

    3. Nelly

      June 19, 2016 at 3:33 pm

      Thanks Amor!

      I learned more things recently about my ex that I did not really know. He seems to be a guy who has FWB rather than relationships. He has a coworker FWB who he went to a week after he broke up with me. This coworker was his FWB for almost a year before we became a couple. Then he has FWB with a girl who is like a fake GF. Someone he hangs out with all the time, flirts, invites on outings with friends etc. But he does not commit to them or maybe they are even ok not being in a “relationship.” He seems to enjoy having girls he can fall to at anytime for sex, and then girls that he chases and flirts with and gets attention from but won’t commit to them. I’m not sure if Ariane falls under the fake relationship girls or who knows maybe he wants to and will commit to her. But how he is with her is how he was with me when we started out. To this day I don’t know what got him to commit to me. I wish I did know so that he could see it again and want me again.

      I’m telling you this because I don’t know how to really re-attract him after this 2nd round of NC. He already has outlets for sex, and well after this NC period he could still be devoting his attention to chasing and being with Aurelie. I really don’t know how to re-attract especially how unlike the break up, we ended contact on a fight.

      thanks so much!

    4. Nelly

      June 17, 2016 at 11:05 pm

      Thanks Amor.

      I’m definitely going into 45 NC period and keep improving myself and being active in posting on snap chat which he will see. Hopefully he’ll see me as the ungettable girl and maybe I’ll even move on by then and not want him at all.

      I’m wondering though, should I maybe send him a text in a week or 2? A kind of a “no hard feelings” text? Say something like: “I know a lot was said between the two of us this past month and I just wanted to tell you that I don’t hold anything against you, and I hope you don’t hold anything against me. I wish you the best in your life, and I would still love to be a part of it if you are willing. What do you say? Don’t be stranger.” Maybe I could even add details on how the reconnection the second time around will be better? Add something like: “I’m pretty sure it will be easier this time around lol! Now that I know what you expect from me and well we were both upfront and got stuff off our chests” Or is it too soon? There is the risk that he will not reply at all and I’ll feel like an idiot 🙁 I don’t know! It’s just an idea I had. Makes the situation end of a better note in a way…what do you think Amor?

      If you think it’s a bad idea, and I should just go straight to NC, what type of text should I send after this NC period? It’s rather strange to send a first contact text like nothing happened….one of those “hey you’ll never guess what happened” type of texts….I would really appreciate your input on what I should text as a first message, and if my “no hard feelings” text is a good idea. Thank you so much!

    5. EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 18, 2016 at 10:58 pm

      that can spark a conversation, so it’s better to just stay in nc.. try something like a subtle remembrance.. like if he like concerts, ” Hey, how are you? I saw this great concert coming up, and I remembered you love this!” then send a pic of the poster…

      or something current that is more natural that you would text him about it

    6. Nelly

      June 16, 2016 at 9:52 pm

      I hate to say it but I probably made the situation worse, but I was just tired and fed up with how he has been treating me lately and how he has lead me on and basically played me. How before he was all about being with me and seeing me (even with Ariane in the picture) and how now he is only about Ariane and put me on the lowest priority of “friends.” It’s insulting.

      I sent this text yesterday: Look, Before you had no problem texting me and seeing me more than once a week. You even initiated it just as much as me and it wasn’t a problem. But now it is a problem for you and you won’t say why. I think I know the reason and I was really hoping you would be honest with me and come out at say it yourself. Look I’m not an idiot. I know you are seeing Ariane and see her multiple times a week. I know you slept with us at the same time. I wish you had the decency and respect for me to at least explain to me why you lead me on for weeks after we started talking again, and then claim we’re only friends, and now seem to want nothing to do with me. You made it painfully obvious the past couple weeks that you want nothing to do with me, even friendship, and I am done being the only one putting in the effort.

      He had no reply, and I’m obviously going to not contact him. I just had to get it off my chest and it was very freeing. I honestly don’t know if I want him back at the moment. If I decide I do and he’s worth trying for, what would you suggest I do?

    7. EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 17, 2016 at 9:08 pm

      actually the best move is to do 45 days nc..and if you decide to talk to him again, don’t sleep with him.. take it real slow and maintain what you have started during nc

  14. kelly h

    June 14, 2016 at 11:28 pm

    Hi this is Kelly. I had a 1year long distance relationship n just broke up with my ex (1.5hour flying time but we used to get to see each other 2-3times per month, 10days per month in average and he has a home job so we used to spend 24hours together at home). He’s 43 n I’m 26, he had a 10 year marriage before, no children. I have problems with emotions control sometimes n easy to get angry, I was diagnosed with anxiety before n perhaps a little bit of borderline personality disorder.
    We had lots of fights especially since half a year ago he first visited my parents, at that time we were planning to get married within 2-3months n we were going to buy wedding ring too but I stopped him I was so upset becos he missed the propose which I think it is important to me. Afterwards I was really upset so I blamed him for not buying appropriate gift for my parents… At that time he was shocked n scared of me becos i used some insulting words. he soon treated it as an accident though however ever since then we always fought, over tiny things, he thought I sometimes blamed him for sth non sense n couldn’t bear those words. Half a year ago we used to be fought once a month then these days before we broke up we almost fought every single week. He said he’s so scared of me now becos of those uncontrollable emotions I have n the hurtful words I said each time he just felt like so disrespected so stressful as there is a bomb next to him. He knows most of the time thats not my intention to do that. In this relationships we have too many cultural differences n different perspectives n also miscommunication misunderstandings. He is so tired, scared of me now. I initiated broke up like I did a few times before (before for a few times after he did sth wrong I initiated break up but he’s the one who always begged). I asked him if we could start over again n not to mention those things in the past, and I’m willing to put effort to change myself like controlling my emotions n the way we communicate. But after a year he’s really scared now, and even told me he gave up the idea of marriage within a period of time. He cant forget about the past n stuck in the shadows. He doesn’t want to lie to me but he said the chances he could recover is very low. My heart is really breaking cos he’s my first boyfriend n we both see each other as soul mate, we deeply love each other still but he’s just so scared of me. Though the times without fighting we were incredibly sweet n he always admitted it. I cry every day n night n now only weight 88pounds cos I couldn’t eat. He knows that and actually he’s experiencing the same kind of thing too because he loves me so much n used to want to spend the rest of the life with me but feeling so sad we couldn’t get along with. And the point is now he doesn’t think he could pretend nothing has happened n he said he doesn’t think we could get back together anymore though he still loves me. Sounds like he would rather be alone better tolerating my emotions n so stressful.
    My questions are, how many days of NC rule u suggest I try? And in this case is it really hard to win him back? Any particular strategy u suggest I should focus on? I really have no idea what to do…. Please help! Thx

    1. kelly h

      June 25, 2016 at 6:29 pm

      Hi Amor! He texted me on day 4 of NC asking if we could talk…i texted him back on day 6 of NC and since then we started arguing again. Til today he said he would just leave the decision to me, he is willing to give a chance to our relationship, but to him the chance of survival is very low and at this moment he dont see us getting married anymore cos after all these fights he cant face my parents n my friends. He says he still loves me, but also think that if sth goes wrong between us again I cant bare the consequence (emotionally, heart breaking). I dont know if in this case, should I still restart the NC rule? Cos he’s fine with whatever I decide but just saying he dont wanna get married anymore. Thx!

    2. kelly h

      June 18, 2016 at 1:30 am

      Thanks for your reply Amor! I had told him a few times but he didnt seem to get it n kept contacting me like we used to do until I told him you could just really really leave me alone for awhile n I would be fine. I’m on NC day 2, and I just got rostered n will have a chance to fly to meet him on day 28 night n day 41 would be a whole day free (I’m a flight attendant btw, he asked for my next months roster but I didnt tell him). If I go for 45 days I think I should forget about the day 28 one? (I was thinking it would be great to have a small meeting though) How about the day 41? should I try to meet him up? I’m sure he will come though as he said he still loves me n misses me and as we had been doing the same for the past 3years since we were friends. I dont get rostered flying there often so I think I should grab the chance to meet him during layover as we are long distance? In this case if I really meet him up on day 41, how many days before should I initiate the contact with him? He’s always available though but day 46 will be his moms birthday, he might have a chance traveling home for a week (3hours drive). Many thanks Amor! 🙂

    3. EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 18, 2016 at 11:43 pm

      you can’t meet him because you’re in nc.. his mom’s birthday is a perfect start to slowly rebuild rapport thriugh texts first again

    4. kelly h

      June 15, 2016 at 2:32 pm

      Btw we still contact each other daily maybe just becos he knows I still cry over him, he tries hard to comfort me n make sure I eat drink well. He said lets leave it behind first but he needs time to figure out things. I got the ebook but don’t know should I simply start NC rule right away or telling him I need space before I ignore him for a period? Thanks!

    5. EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 17, 2016 at 8:27 pm

      Hi Kelly H,

      Actually it’s better if you just start nc right after the break up but since you continued to talk to him, he might wonder and ask constantly what happened and then that will probably throw you off during nc.. so, I think it’s better that you just tell him you need space to heal independently but don’t tell him for how long and then you need to do 45 days. Yes, it’s the longest because he’s your first. You’ve relied heavily on him, and now you need to learn to have balance again. To be more independent, and less emotional.

    6. kelly h

      June 15, 2016 at 4:21 am

      Btw he is a Scorpio n I’m a Libra. He said he knows I’m young n wanna get married he wont want to give me any false hope n waste my time as he’s so scared n don’t want to get married anymore maybe.

  15. Belle

    May 31, 2016 at 4:19 am

    Im so glad that i found this website. Ive been reading your advices or articles online and i can relate with some of the situations mentioned. But I would like to share my story and see if you can give me an advice on what to do. This is kinda long, so please bear with me.

    I came from a long-term relationship. Me and my now ex were together for 8 years. We ended our relationship 2 weeks ago. He is my first boyfriend and I was hoping that he will be the last but everything has changed. As I typed this, I’m crying my heart out and I dont know what to do to get out of this pain.

    It all started last year when I found out that he was cheating on me. Before the cheating happens, everything was perfect. We were so into each other and it felt like no one can separate us. I mean it was not really perfect, as in perfect… we also argue or fight but we never let the day went by without fixing it. We loved each other so much. Then in late 2014 I felt like he was being distant. My birthday is in December and he never showed up. It was the first time he did it. During that time I had no suspicion cause he had my trust and I was confident that he would never do something that would hurt me. As days went by after my birthday, i felt like there was something that he was hiding from me. Until I noticed that he was coming home late from work. We were not living together, We lived in the same building but different room and I know his schedule. I also noticed that he did not care much about where I was or if he was hurting me. Then I confronted him (again this was in late 2014). He was not saying anything. I was crying because of this then out of the blue I said we should break up. And he just said ok then left the room. I let him be, i was hoping that he would come back that day to fix it (its what we always do) but he did not show up. I called him and text him but no response. I was so worried. Then after 2 days he showed up and asked him what’s going on. He just said that I should go by myself, we should not be together and that I deserved someone else. I was shaken. I did not know what to do. He was pushing me away. Then I asked him if there was a third party and he said no and I believed him bec. I trusted him so much. I cried and begged and he took back his words. We just continued on how we were but he was so distant. Like I never felt he was with me. It was not the same. Then 2015 came, I asked him again and he said nothing. I was so hurt and fed up that I accused him of cheating on me (though I did not know yet during that time). It was actually a trapped. At first he said that i was saying nonsense, but I made up a story that I found a message on his facebook (truth was, I did not open his fb account bec. of privacy and respect).I never expected that he would admit it. Then boom. My life suddenly stopped. I was so confused, mad and hurt. I did not know what to react. I cried and locked myself in the rest room. He was doing nothing. When I came out, I said it was over. But he cried and asked for another chance. I was touched by this gesture as I thought he realized his mistake. I forgave him and tried to understand the situation. He promised that he would go back on how it was but it never happened. The woman is her co-worker and they always see each other. I sometimes got paranoid. I thought he would do something about my worries but none at all. I became a person that I never was or never been. I checked his phone and found in contact history a phone call. He said that she called her to stop their affair.

    Everything was a mess. I could not sleep and eat. He was being numb like he would not do anything to make me feel secured. We fight almost everyday. I became demanding to show his love for me. But he never did. I was being understanding bec i did not want to put him in a situation to dicate him to leave his work and have him choose cause I know that it should be me. I became patient with him. Months went by, and we planned about the wedding and even bought a house. Though we were happy sometimes, my instincts were still working.

    I forgave him many times. I caught him texting and calling her and just gave me lame excuses. Even though I felt that he was hiding something from me, i chose to believe him. Bec i didnt want him to feel that i no longer trusted him. Aside from that I was avoiding us to fight.

    Then he suggested a cool off with no communication at all and not seeing each other (may 2015). I did not want it. But he wanted it badly so I gave in. Only to found out that he was two timing me. The truth was, he suggested a cool-off to be with his new girl. Truth was, even though we were together he was thinking and seeing someone else. For 2 mos (official) he was cheating on me. It hurts like hell until now. I broke up with him. But since I could not handle the pain and I missed him so bad, i took him back.

    Since day 1 (after I found out the truth), i thought he would truly changed. But my heart has been damaged. I thought I forgave him but I wasnt. I became paranoid. I no longer believed what he says. Everytime he would say something I had doubts whether he was telling the truth or not. Seems like every week we fight. There were days that we were so happy but everytime I see something suspicious I easily got mad and he would also start to get mad at me because i did not believe everything he says. In short, my trust turned into being paranoid and this made me so sad and no piece of mind. He suggested to have cool off but I did not agree as I doubted that he would do the same thing again. Months went by our fight was getting routinal. He tried to explain that he was trying to gain back my trust but it was me who always see all the negative things. He said that that Ive never noticed his effort to make me feel happy.

    I admit that I have issues with myself because of the things he did. Everytime I would think about the past i easily got mad and blamed him. During our fights I would always blame him for betraying me. I know its not right but I cant help it. Why? Cause im not getting the love and treatment I deserved after all the things he did. Am i asking too much? I also feel that he was still communicating with the girl.

    We always fight until we get physical and me being like crazy. For almost a year i am a total mess (i got him back in august of last year). Then I confronted him, he would always say that he loves me. But later on he admitted that he still has feelings for the girl. But he loves me more and wanted to work our relationship. He wanted a break up but I did not want to give it because of the past. We came to the point that we were saying bad about each other. I was miserable. We were not supposed to be doing this. But he insisted a break up because he is not happy.. until 2 weeks ago i gave in. He said he wanted to be alone and be with himself. I accepted it but we talked about getting in touch after 3 mos.

    Now here I am, im feeling so much pain. It feels like the world has stopped for me. I cant help myself from thinking that he is seeing the girl who ruined us. I know they are seeing each other. Im trying to do the NC rule but i could not help it. I ended up calling him and texting him. Begging him to come back. But he said to leave him alone and does not want to see me. It hurts so much that it’s hard for me to breathe. He also said to forget him and move on. Also, every time he would answer my call he sounded pissed-off.. 🙁

    I dont understand why he’s telling me those things, has he moved on? Because on fb, his pictures looks happy while me, i am miserable 🙁 Did he really fall out of love from me? Im really scared to know that he and the person who ruined us are together again. But he said that he would never do it and it’s a space he is requesting for him to be alone and happy. Should I trust him with this? It feels so unfair because im the one who is suffering.. 🙁

    What about the 8 years we had? What should I do.. I have no one to turn to. Even my friends wont understand me. I want him back. Im willing to get him back. Am i hopeless?

    Please helpe me…. 🙁

    Sorry if this is too long.. Hope you can bear with me..

    BTW, I called him yesterday. Cant help it 🙁


    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 31, 2016 at 7:33 pm

      Hi Belle,

      I understand. Sometimes that has happen so you would get tired chasing but the sooner you do nc the better.

      The main purpose of no contact is for you to be gain back yourself and to be more emotionally stable to have perspective. Making him chase and you miss is not the first priority because that will not happen if you really didn’t change.

      So, the sooner you do nc, the better. You should do 45 days because you gnatted and the relationship is on and off.

  16. Rosario

    May 30, 2016 at 7:17 am

    Hi so i posted on here before and really would appreciate your advice again on the situation! So my boyfriend stopped bothering hardly in our ldr because he was very stressed with finals exams and i got very upset and he didn’t seem to want to talk about it. Yesterday he told me that he doesn’t deserve me and has changed he has become emotionally unhealthy cold and career obsessed and not a nice person and said if he could change he would and that’s why he’s been delaying talking to me and said he also wanted to analyse his feelings properly. He said he knows he is going to regret this and already does and that its not that he doesnt care and meant it when he said he loved me and that i am a special person and wouldn’t change the months he had with me for the world but is a different person it confuses me because we had such nice times together until becoming distant. I feel like hes saying he cant do both work and me but surely if he wanted to be with me he could balance both? I’m going to do no contact whatever just to recover but i feel like we did get on really well in the past and hes become scared of responsibility so i would like to attempt chris’s technique. I just wondered what I should make if this and apart from no contact and just moving on with my life what i should do?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 31, 2016 at 12:24 pm

      Hi Rosario,

      I think you’re right that he can’t do both work and you.. but it’s good that he acknowledges that he loves you.. the only thing that can help increase is a little jealousy move later on

  17. So Confused

    May 27, 2016 at 10:35 pm

    How long should I wait before asking for a second date? And is it okay for me to ask/initiate the second date? Also, what would be a good activity? I was thinking going for a coffee maybe or trying a new café, since tonight we went for a walk.

    Our first “date” was tonight. It was short, between half an hour and an hour long. It was our first set outing alone since the breakup a year ago. (We’d been out with a friend once, and that went pretty well.) The first date went okay. I could engage my ex in conversation, but he didn’t seem as interested as he did on some occasions when we have run into each other and talked. This may have been because we both had a long day and were tired, or because my ex felt a little awkward, I’m not sure.

    Also, I read Chris’ article suggesting a group outing for the second date. I think that’s a great idea because then we can build attraction without me always having to be near my ex, but it’ll be way too difficult to get a group in my situation, so any advice for a second date would be helpful!

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 29, 2016 at 12:23 pm

      Hi So COnfused,

      hmm.. it depends on the rapport and also on the budget. If you’re going out on a group date and you’re going in a theme park, it’s better if you go out two weeks or three weeks after the first date. If you he’s positive and he can go out a week after the first then better

  18. kyra

    May 27, 2016 at 6:23 am

    Hi, I was thinking about if I should leave a comment because there are so many comments and I don’t know if I will get a response. But I want to give it a shot.

    My ex-boyfriend and I dated for 2.5 years and we broke up one month ago. We had a lot of fights last 2 months during our relationship because he was busy with school and he couldn’t handle the stress. After a big fight we skyped for 2 hours. In these 2 hours he told me that he thinks it’s better to separate our ways. So he wanted to breakup. Before that he wanted to take a break, but I made the mistake to ask why. In this skypecall we both cried. I begged,cryed and did all of the bad sins.
    The reason he told me that he wanted to break up is that he wanted to be alone and that he understands me but he cant handle to be with me anymore. He also mentioned three times that he dosent want to lose me and want to be friends. Two days after the breakup I made the mistake to meet up with him and give him his stuff back. I was really sad and I start tearing up. He told me that he dosent know what he wants. But then he bought a 200 euro gift (keyboard) we share love for gaming. I didn’t get why he would get me this gift when he breaks up with me. I tried the nocontact rule twice and failed twice. But now Im doing the contact rule again and Im on day 7.He has contacted me twice and asked why I didn’t reply. I don’t know what I should do. Should I do the 30 days contact and then send him a text or just wait till he contacts me?

    Thanks for advance

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 30, 2016 at 5:05 am

      Hi Kyra,

      sorry for the late reply.. if the reason of the break up is just stress, there’s a good chance you’ll be back together of both of you can sort out your priorities and if he sees you in a different light.. once he doesn’t relate you anymore to the fights you had, and he sees you’re more positive now then you can start rebuilding rapport again… you can initiate a message after nc if he doesn’t message you during it

  19. Taylor

    May 26, 2016 at 8:28 pm

    Hey Amor,
    My ex always responds to my text messages and will agree to meet up for coffee. He has not texted me first but when we do talk he can’t get enough out. I’m having a hard time figuring out if there is any way to turn things in my favor. To get him to chase me. I’ve done the nc three times now. Where do I go from here?

    1. Taylor

      May 30, 2016 at 7:56 am

      Thank you Amor. Yes I have continued to work on the things I needed to work on. I’ve really felt like myself again these last few months. I haven’t tried the jealousy move yet so I will have to do that next. Do I post pics or what would be the best way of making him jealous by going out with a group friends? Should I continue the coffee meet ups?

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 31, 2016 at 1:19 pm

      yeah go out with friends.. ones with mixed guys and girls..

    3. EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 30, 2016 at 1:43 am

      Hi Taylor,

      three times? that’s a lot.. have you contnued what you started durung nc? do you still do the activities that improve you and do you still meet wih your new friends? Try a little jealousy move too by going out with other group of friends

  20. Ellie

    May 25, 2016 at 4:28 pm


    I am currently in a very frustrating situation…as is pretty much everyone else looking at this site.
    My ex boyfriend and I haven’t spoken but once since the breakup a few months ago. I did over a month of no contact and he responded the first time I reached out, and had a very short causal conversation. Now he responds to pretty much nothing. He said thanks once or twice but otherwise flat out ignores my messages. And belive me I have been pretty creative and interesting, making sure the texts relate to him. I have worked on myself a great deal in the past few months and I know he has to see it.

    I will be okay if I don’t get him back, but I want him back. We had a good relationship, I guess it was bad timing. I don’t want to lose our friendship and any chance at reconciliation but that is seeming more likely with how unresponsive he is. I just wish I understood what he is going through and how to reach him. What can I do to get him to trust me and get some kind of response?
    Thank you!!

    1. Ellie

      June 1, 2016 at 12:42 am

      It’s been a month or 2 since we actually talked. Then I tried to texting a few days later and got no response so I cut back to about once a week (I didn’t want to seem needy or smothering). He replied to very few of them and I am so confused why he would just continue to let me text him and not even tell me why he can’t talk to me at all. A few weeks ago was the last time he responded, with “thanks”. I have sent a few texts since then (like I said about once a week).

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 1, 2016 at 1:01 am

      Hmm.. did you continue the activities you started during nc to improve yourself in this weeks? Because your posts are a way to build attraction while you’re not texting him. If you didn’t do that, do that first before initiating a text with him, like for another two weeks. You have to work on the topics you use and you can try the tide theory in texting once you start again.

    3. Ellie

      May 31, 2016 at 4:08 pm

      I think he got scared of a big commitment even though he was the first to bring up marriage. The whole thing was all very confusing to me. I still think he made a much bigger deal about what was going on than he needed to. We were both under a lot of stress and to me he seemed very irrational about it all and wouldn’t even discuss any problems. He has had plenty of time to think about it all though so I don’t know what he is thinking now. I try to keep texts less than once a week and usually just casual and upbeat.

    4. EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 31, 2016 at 9:32 pm

      less than once a week? That’s too few.. it’s not enough to build rapport. Or you mean that’s the number of text you sent when he stopped replying? How many weeks has it been since he stopped replying?

    5. EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 27, 2016 at 12:51 pm

      Hi Elle,

      why did you break up? And how many times have you tried texting and what are the intervals?

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