Maggie made a boo boo…
She hooked up with her ex boyfriend before he committed to her…
Luckily for her the Ex Boyfriend Recovery family is happy to take her situation on and since I am the patriarch of this family I guess it’s up to me to take that task on, huh?
Ok, no problem!
I think I put together a pretty good game plan for her in this episode.
Can you tell that I am proud of myself for the advice in this episode?
Well, I am!
First though, lets do a quick rundown of Maggie’s situation,
- She was with her boyfriend for 4 years.
- They broke up and he starting seeing another girl.
- Maggie implemented the 30 day NC rule to perfection.
- Because of how slick she was with NC her ex starting coming back into the picture.
- They starting flirting and one thing led to another and they “hooked up”
- He wouldn’t recommit
- Maggie doesn’t know what to do .
- She is afraid to do the no contact rule again because she doesn’t want him running back to the new girl.
Hmm… your in quite a pickle Maggie, aren’t you?
No worries I think I may have a solution for you.
What I Talk About In This Episode
- Maggie did everything right with the no contact rule (Kuddos!)
- The big mistake Maggie made.
- The importance of not hooking up with someone until they commit.
- A few alarming things that Maggie may have to watch out for.
- The Bigger And Better Deal
- Men Want A Woman Of Higher Value
- How Maggie Can Re-Obtain Her Value To Her Ex
Important Links Mentioned In This Episode
- EBR 017: The Importance Of The No Contact Rule
- EBR 012: How To Get Out Of The Friend Zone
- EBR 006: How To Turn Friends With Benefits Into A Relationship
- Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO
The Bigger And Better Deal Game Plan
In this episode I talked about the importance of becoming the bigger and better deal for your ex boyfriend.
I talk about how your boyfriend needs to view you this way (as a bigger and better deal.)
Well, it turns out that becoming a bigger and better deal also has a correlation to how high of value that you are. So, what you have to do Maggie is find a way to re-obtain your value and I think I have just the way to do it.
(If you do this then you substantially raise your chances of making your ex boyfriend commit to you.)
Go Back Into No Contact
In order to become the bigger and better deal you first have to re-assert your value.
In order to do this you have to go back into the NC rule.
Now Leslie, I know you may have fears about him and the other girl but don’t. Go back into NC and if he does go back to the new girl then who cares. You should have enough confidence in yourself to know that he will leave her for you.
Let History Repeat Itself (With A Wrinkle)
I want you to do exactly what you did before.
I want you to turn your ex on to the point where he wants to sleep with you again.
Now, don’t don’t send inappropriate pictures or anything like that just use your fliritng skills.
When he is pushing to “hook up” I want you to make it seem like you are kind of into it and then I want you to back out at the last minute with no explanation.
Your such a tease 😉 .
Will he be angry at you?
Will he want you more?
Friend Zone Him For A Bit
I have talked about the importance of friend zoning your ex to gain value in his eyes.
Well, if there was ever a time to do that this would be it.
Not much else I can say there.
Lay Down The Law
When the time is right an opportunity will arise for when you can “lay down the law” a little bit.
Kindly explain to your ex that the only want you will ever “hook up” with him is if he fully commits to you and if he refuses or skirts the issue simply leave him.
Actions speak louder than words after all.
Welcome to Episode 18 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. I’m happy to have you here today. Today we’re going to be talking about an interesting situation. We’re going to hear from a woman named Maggie who listened to one of my past podcasts and realized that she didn’t quite do something right with her ex-boyfriend.
Let’s get right to the question:
“Hi, Chris. This is my situation. I was with my ex for four years. We broke up four months ago. We broke up because of lack of communication. He started seeing another girl during this time. It just so happened that I was implementing the 30 day no contact rule during this time. I was working on myself, getting into the best shape of my life and getting back to school. He noticed it.
A few weeks later, he started texting me. We started texting. Eventually, we hooked up. I was listening to one of your podcasts about always leaving a man wanting more. I don’t think I did that. I’m wondering if it’s too late or if I should re-implement the no contact rule. I’m afraid that, since this other girl is his co-worker, he’s going to go running back to her when I ignore him and his messages, if he reaches out to me.
It’s been a few weeks of hooking up. I don’t know what I should do because he still won’t re-commit. He keeps telling me all these things that are confusing. What do I do? Thanks.”
Hi, Maggie. Thanks for leaving this great voicemail for me to feature on the podcast. I’m really excited to deal with your situation today. I’ve been waiting for a situation like this, where someone did everything right but then hooked up with their ex when they weren’t supposed to.
The format of the show takes questions from visitors that come to the website. I’ve been waiting for a situation like this for a long time. I’m really glad to have you here, Maggie. I promise you, I’m going to do everything in my power to help you out.
I’m going to give general knowledge. Then I’m going to give Maggie a game plan for how to approach this. I think I really have a good game plan for her today.
First, let’s do a quick recap of her situation. She was with her ex for four years. Four months ago, they broke up. I don’t know who broke up with who. It doesn’t really matter. After the breakup, he started seeing another girl. It was during this time that Maggie started doing the 30 day no contact rule. It seems like she did it to perfection. She worked on herself. She got in the best shape of her life and the results shone through. Her ex came back to her, or at least wanted to come back to her.
He started reaching out to her through text messages. Text messages turned into flirting. Then flirting turned into hooking up, which is a no-no. Sorry, Maggie, but that’s a no-no. It’s been a few weeks and they’ve been hooking up. But he won’t re-commit to her. She is afraid, if she does the no contact rule again, that he’s going to run back to the other girl.
First, I want to congratulate you, Maggie, on getting through the no contact rule successfully and implementing it perfectly. In a way, it did work. You didn’t follow the progression that I would have hoped after the no contact rule, but that’s okay. The no contact rule worked for you.
For the listeners who are on the fence about doing the no contact rule, it works. The proof is in the pudding right here. We have a live case study example from Maggie. I promise you, I’m going to do everything I can to help get your ex-boyfriend to re-commit, Maggie.
Before I do that, let’s talk about your mistake, which was hooking up with him. I want to talk about why it was a mistake. The mistake you made was hooking up with your boyfriend when he did not commit to you. I understand. It almost makes things worse when you’re doing the no contact rule.
This is one of the negatives of the no contact rule. It makes things worse on your ex-boyfriend because it increases your interest in him. Yesterday, I talked about a two-pronged approach with the no contact rule in Episode 17. One of the negatives that comes with the no contact rule is the fact that, when you’re using it with the intent of trying to get someone back, it almost increases your feelings for them.
Thirty days is a long time for a lot of women. By the time that you’re done with the no contact rule and you’re starting to see some positive results, it’s easy to get ahead of yourself and let things spiral out of control. That’s kind of what happened to you here, Maggie.
In a perfect world, you would not have hooked up with him until he committed. That’s a mistake. I think we can all agree with that. Why is it a mistake? In my opinion, it lowers your value. I talked about this in the friends with benefits episode. I’ll link to that episode in the show notes of this episode. In that episode, I talked about value. It’s important that a man sees you as a high-value target. Men are hardwired to hunt for women. Of course, we want to hunt the woman who is the highest value target.
What I’m going to talk about, and what your game plan revolves around Maggie, is something called the bigger and better deal. Men always want the woman who is the bigger and better deal. It’s up to you to become that for him. I’m not talking about body, boobs or butt. I’m talking about feelings and the woman as a whole. Maybe the way she looks does matter. It’s more than that. It’s also personality and playing the game. If he sees a woman who is a bigger and better deal than the current deal he has right now, he is going to be interested in that deal. Men are just hardwired to hunt. It’s as simple as that.
My game plan for you, Maggie, revolves specifically around becoming a bigger and better deal for him. You become a better deal that he cannot find anywhere else. It just so happens that being a bigger and better deal coincides with leaving him wanting more and being a higher value girl than anyone in his life right now.
Before I get into the game plan, I want to mention something that might be a little alarming with your ex-boyfriend. After the breakup, he found a new girl. That’s common for some men. They go on the rebound. Obviously, he doesn’t love this girl because he hooked up with you. The way you structured the question made it seem that the two of you hooked up with each other while he was dating this other girl.
That’s alarming to me for a few reasons. I don’t know if this is true. I may be completely off base. He may have broken up with the new girl first and then hooked up with you. Something tells me it didn’t work out that way. This is alarming to me because it means he cheated on his current girlfriend. I’m flashing back to Dr. Phil episodes.
It’s never a good sign when a guy is cheating on his current girlfriend with you. That’s an alarming sign. I know you want him back, Maggie. You are laser focused on that one goal. You want him back. I understand. But somewhere down the line, you’re going to wake up one day and think, “Wait, he cheated on his girlfriend with me. What’s to stop him from doing the same thing to me?” That’s a scary thought.
That thought is not going to go away. It’s going to stay in your brain, because it happened. It’s not conjecture or un-factual information. It’s a fact. It really happened. You may not be able to deal with that emotionally. The fear of that happening to you, of him finding a bigger and better deal and cheating on you, is going to remain.
I would say to proceed with caution, Maggie. Really think this through if you want him back or not. I’m not saying that your feelings are misplaced. I may be completely off base here. If he did cheat on his girlfriend with you, I’m assuming that you’re taking it as, “I am so powerful that I made him leave his girlfriend.” But he didn’t leave her if that’s true. That’s a scary thought.
If you were to get him back, what’s to stop him from doing the same thing to you? Just keep that in mind as you’re going forward. Understand that this is a risk you potentially may face in the future if you do get him back. I wanted to throw that out there for you, Maggie. Hopefully, that will help you make your decision.
Let’s talk about something that I’m really excited to get into, the game plan. My game plan is going to be centered around becoming a bigger and better deal than anything out there. You made a mistake by hooking up with him. You lost your value and you did not leave him wanting more. You gave up the whole cake. Rather than just giving him a small slice of the cake, you gave him the whole cake. We can’t have that. You lose your value that way.
Right now, your top priority is getting your value back. In order to do that, you do need to go into the no contact rule. I’m sorry to say it. I know you’re very frightened that he may go back to that girl. But good. Let him run back to that girl. If he’s cheating on her, he doesn’t love her and he doesn’t want her. It seems like, at least at one point, you were the bigger and better deal for him.
Again, I gave you my disclaimer with my thoughts on that. So what if he runs back to that other girl? Have more confidence in yourself and your abilities to influence him. You can get him to leave that girl. You can get him to come back to you. That’s the mindset you need to adopt.
I’m not saying you’re guaranteed to get him back 100% of the time. I can’t ever claim that. What I will say is, if you have confidence in yourself, your chances of that happening will increase. Go right back into no contact. We’re trying to get your value back. That’s key right now.
After the no contact rule, I want you to flirt with him the exact same way that you flirted with him before that made you hook up with him. There will be one difference this time. You’re not going to hook up with him. Think about that. You are not going to hook up with him. You’re going to be a tease. You’re going to make him mad. You’re going to lead him on a little bit. Then you’re not going to hook up with him. You’re going to take yourself away completely.
Let’s use the cake analogy. You are showing him the entire cake. You’re saying, “Come take a bite.” As he takes a step forward and another step forward, you completely throw the cake away. That’s what you’re doing here. You’re going to get your value back. You won’t just leave him wanting more, you will leave him wanting the whole cake. There’s something to that.
There’s more that you need to do. You need to understand that this will make him mad, but it will also raise your value. He may say, “Never talk to me again.” A little bit down the line, it’s highly likely that he will come back wanting more cake. At this point, when he does come back wanting more cake, friend zone him. I talked about this in the friend zone episode. I will link to that in the show notes of this episode. Then you can listen to that and understand how to friend zone a guy.
After the friend zone, I want you to lay down the law. After the friend zone, you will be enough value for him. You will be the bigger and better deal. What you’ve done here is keep no contact. I’ve talked about the no contact rule in the last episode. That was Episode 17. I’ll have a link for that in the show notes of this episode.
After the no contact, you’re going to flirt with him just the way you did before to make him want you in a sexual manner. Then you’re going to take that away from him. You leave him wanting more. He’ll be mad but he will want more. He will come back for more, most likely. Then, when he does come back for more, you’re going to friend zone him. Do things that make him feel like he’s in the friend zone.
Now you’ve put him in a position where he constantly has to chase you. You’ve become a higher value target for him. There is something powerful in doing that. After you’ve done these things, you need to lay down the law and explain to him that the only way that you will ever date him is if he is committed to you completely. If he gives you any run around, say, “Okay, fine. We will never be together.” Do that.
I’m a huge fan of trying to get your ex back from a position of power as opposed to a position of weakness. I think the number one mistake women make when they try to get their exes back is that they do so from a position of weakness. What I just explained to you with this game plan is how to get him back from a position of power.
It’s a position of strength. It’s a position of saying, “It is your loss. I have no problem walking away from this. I am higher value. I am so confident in myself that I can find someone way better than you. You should be begging me to take you back.” If he gives you a negotiation of commitment, any workaround or says something like, “I do love you but I’m just not ready to commit yet,” you say, “Okay. That’s fine. Then we will never be together. Understand that.”
Then walk away. Then go into a mini no contact rule for seven days. Repeat this process over and over again. You will always have him on your hook. He will always be left wanting more. He will always want you, Maggie. That is epic. That is what you need to do. You need to accomplish this if you want him back.
Again, I always want you to keep in mind that, if he did cheat on his new girlfriend with you, that may make you happy that you got him to cheat on his girlfriend. But it’s not a good sign at all. Somewhere down the line, you are going to think, “I wonder if he’s going to do that to me.” Usually, in more cases than not, he will do it to you. That is a big assumption.
If you want to learn more about how you can get your ex back from a position of strength as opposed to weakness, please check out my website, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery. Maggie, this will end the game plan for you and the episode.
If you have not subscribed or left a review on iTunes for this podcast, please do so. I’m not asking that you leave a positive review. Just leave an honest one. Tell me what you think. That’s what I care about. We need those reviews to continue to thrive on iTunes. Quite frankly, we are not doing what I hoped to be doing. I need the listeners here at Ex-Boyfriend Recovery to please help this podcast so that I can continue doing it. That’s it for me today. I hope you have a good week.