Maggie made a boo boo…
She hooked up with her ex boyfriend before he committed to her…
I know…
I know…
Luckily for her the Ex Boyfriend Recovery family is happy to take her situation on and since I am the patriarch of this family I guess it’s up to me to take that task on, huh?
Ok, no problem!
I think I put together a pretty good game plan for her in this episode.
Can you tell that I am proud of myself for the advice in this episode?
Well, I am!
First though, lets do a quick rundown of Maggie’s situation,
- She was with her boyfriend for 4 years.
- They broke up and he starting seeing another girl.
- Maggie implemented the 30 day NC rule to perfection.
- Because of how slick she was with NC her ex starting coming back into the picture.
- They starting flirting and one thing led to another and they “hooked up”
- He wouldn’t recommit
- Maggie doesn’t know what to do .
- She is afraid to do the no contact rule again because she doesn’t want him running back to the new girl.
Hmm… your in quite a pickle Maggie, aren’t you?
No worries I think I may have a solution for you.
What I Talk About In This Episode
- Maggie did everything right with the no contact rule (Kuddos!)
- The big mistake Maggie made.
- The importance of not hooking up with someone until they commit.
- A few alarming things that Maggie may have to watch out for.
- The Bigger And Better Deal
- Men Want A Woman Of Higher Value
- How Maggie Can Re-Obtain Her Value To Her Ex
Important Links Mentioned In This Episode
- EBR 017: The Importance Of The No Contact Rule
- EBR 012: How To Get Out Of The Friend Zone
- EBR 006: How To Turn Friends With Benefits Into A Relationship
- Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO
The Bigger And Better Deal Game Plan
In this episode I talked about the importance of becoming the bigger and better deal for your ex boyfriend.
I talk about how your boyfriend needs to view you this way (as a bigger and better deal.)
Well, it turns out that becoming a bigger and better deal also has a correlation to how high of value that you are. So, what you have to do Maggie is find a way to re-obtain your value and I think I have just the way to do it.
(If you do this then you substantially raise your chances of making your ex boyfriend commit to you.)
Go Back Into No Contact
In order to become the bigger and better deal you first have to re-assert your value.
In order to do this you have to go back into the NC rule.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizNow Leslie, I know you may have fears about him and the other girl but don’t. Go back into NC and if he does go back to the new girl then who cares. You should have enough confidence in yourself to know that he will leave her for you.
Let History Repeat Itself (With A Wrinkle)
I want you to do exactly what you did before.
I want you to turn your ex on to the point where he wants to sleep with you again.
Now, don’t don’t send inappropriate pictures or anything like that just use your fliritng skills.
When he is pushing to “hook up” I want you to make it seem like you are kind of into it and then I want you to back out at the last minute with no explanation.
Your such a tease 😉 .
Will he be angry at you?
Probably.
Will he want you more?
DEFINITELY!
Friend Zone Him For A Bit
I have talked about the importance of friend zoning your ex to gain value in his eyes.
Well, if there was ever a time to do that this would be it.
Not much else I can say there.
Lay Down The Law
When the time is right an opportunity will arise for when you can “lay down the law” a little bit.
Kindly explain to your ex that the only want you will ever “hook up” with him is if he fully commits to you and if he refuses or skirts the issue simply leave him.
Actions speak louder than words after all.
Podcast Transcript
Welcome to Episode 18 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. I’m happy to have you here today. Today we’re going to be talking about an interesting situation. We’re going to hear from a woman named Maggie who listened to one of my past podcasts and realized that she didn’t quite do something right with her ex-boyfriend.
Let’s get right to the question:
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quiz“Hi, Chris. This is my situation. I was with my ex for four years. We broke up four months ago. We broke up because of lack of communication. He started seeing another girl during this time. It just so happened that I was implementing the 30 day no contact rule during this time. I was working on myself, getting into the best shape of my life and getting back to school. He noticed it.
A few weeks later, he started texting me. We started texting. Eventually, we hooked up. I was listening to one of your podcasts about always leaving a man wanting more. I don’t think I did that. I’m wondering if it’s too late or if I should re-implement the no contact rule. I’m afraid that, since this other girl is his co-worker, he’s going to go running back to her when I ignore him and his messages, if he reaches out to me.
It’s been a few weeks of hooking up. I don’t know what I should do because he still won’t re-commit. He keeps telling me all these things that are confusing. What do I do? Thanks.”
Hi, Maggie. Thanks for leaving this great voicemail for me to feature on the podcast. I’m really excited to deal with your situation today. I’ve been waiting for a situation like this, where someone did everything right but then hooked up with their ex when they weren’t supposed to.
The format of the show takes questions from visitors that come to the website. I’ve been waiting for a situation like this for a long time. I’m really glad to have you here, Maggie. I promise you, I’m going to do everything in my power to help you out.
I’m going to give general knowledge. Then I’m going to give Maggie a game plan for how to approach this. I think I really have a good game plan for her today.
First, let’s do a quick recap of her situation. She was with her ex for four years. Four months ago, they broke up. I don’t know who broke up with who. It doesn’t really matter. After the breakup, he started seeing another girl. It was during this time that Maggie started doing the 30 day no contact rule. It seems like she did it to perfection. She worked on herself. She got in the best shape of her life and the results shone through. Her ex came back to her, or at least wanted to come back to her.
He started reaching out to her through text messages. Text messages turned into flirting. Then flirting turned into hooking up, which is a no-no. Sorry, Maggie, but that’s a no-no. It’s been a few weeks and they’ve been hooking up. But he won’t re-commit to her. She is afraid, if she does the no contact rule again, that he’s going to run back to the other girl.
First, I want to congratulate you, Maggie, on getting through the no contact rule successfully and implementing it perfectly. In a way, it did work. You didn’t follow the progression that I would have hoped after the no contact rule, but that’s okay. The no contact rule worked for you.
For the listeners who are on the fence about doing the no contact rule, it works. The proof is in the pudding right here. We have a live case study example from Maggie. I promise you, I’m going to do everything I can to help get your ex-boyfriend to re-commit, Maggie.
Before I do that, let’s talk about your mistake, which was hooking up with him. I want to talk about why it was a mistake. The mistake you made was hooking up with your boyfriend when he did not commit to you. I understand. It almost makes things worse when you’re doing the no contact rule.
This is one of the negatives of the no contact rule. It makes things worse on your ex-boyfriend because it increases your interest in him. Yesterday, I talked about a two-pronged approach with the no contact rule in Episode 17. One of the negatives that comes with the no contact rule is the fact that, when you’re using it with the intent of trying to get someone back, it almost increases your feelings for them.
Thirty days is a long time for a lot of women. By the time that you’re done with the no contact rule and you’re starting to see some positive results, it’s easy to get ahead of yourself and let things spiral out of control. That’s kind of what happened to you here, Maggie.
In a perfect world, you would not have hooked up with him until he committed. That’s a mistake. I think we can all agree with that. Why is it a mistake? In my opinion, it lowers your value. I talked about this in the friends with benefits episode. I’ll link to that episode in the show notes of this episode. In that episode, I talked about value. It’s important that a man sees you as a high-value target. Men are hardwired to hunt for women. Of course, we want to hunt the woman who is the highest value target.
What I’m going to talk about, and what your game plan revolves around Maggie, is something called the bigger and better deal. Men always want the woman who is the bigger and better deal. It’s up to you to become that for him. I’m not talking about body, boobs or butt. I’m talking about feelings and the woman as a whole. Maybe the way she looks does matter. It’s more than that. It’s also personality and playing the game. If he sees a woman who is a bigger and better deal than the current deal he has right now, he is going to be interested in that deal. Men are just hardwired to hunt. It’s as simple as that.
My game plan for you, Maggie, revolves specifically around becoming a bigger and better deal for him. You become a better deal that he cannot find anywhere else. It just so happens that being a bigger and better deal coincides with leaving him wanting more and being a higher value girl than anyone in his life right now.
Before I get into the game plan, I want to mention something that might be a little alarming with your ex-boyfriend. After the breakup, he found a new girl. That’s common for some men. They go on the rebound. Obviously, he doesn’t love this girl because he hooked up with you. The way you structured the question made it seem that the two of you hooked up with each other while he was dating this other girl.
That’s alarming to me for a few reasons. I don’t know if this is true. I may be completely off base. He may have broken up with the new girl first and then hooked up with you. Something tells me it didn’t work out that way. This is alarming to me because it means he cheated on his current girlfriend. I’m flashing back to Dr. Phil episodes.
It’s never a good sign when a guy is cheating on his current girlfriend with you. That’s an alarming sign. I know you want him back, Maggie. You are laser focused on that one goal. You want him back. I understand. But somewhere down the line, you’re going to wake up one day and think, “Wait, he cheated on his girlfriend with me. What’s to stop him from doing the same thing to me?” That’s a scary thought.
That thought is not going to go away. It’s going to stay in your brain, because it happened. It’s not conjecture or un-factual information. It’s a fact. It really happened. You may not be able to deal with that emotionally. The fear of that happening to you, of him finding a bigger and better deal and cheating on you, is going to remain.
I would say to proceed with caution, Maggie. Really think this through if you want him back or not. I’m not saying that your feelings are misplaced. I may be completely off base here. If he did cheat on his girlfriend with you, I’m assuming that you’re taking it as, “I am so powerful that I made him leave his girlfriend.” But he didn’t leave her if that’s true. That’s a scary thought.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizIf you were to get him back, what’s to stop him from doing the same thing to you? Just keep that in mind as you’re going forward. Understand that this is a risk you potentially may face in the future if you do get him back. I wanted to throw that out there for you, Maggie. Hopefully, that will help you make your decision.
Let’s talk about something that I’m really excited to get into, the game plan. My game plan is going to be centered around becoming a bigger and better deal than anything out there. You made a mistake by hooking up with him. You lost your value and you did not leave him wanting more. You gave up the whole cake. Rather than just giving him a small slice of the cake, you gave him the whole cake. We can’t have that. You lose your value that way.
Right now, your top priority is getting your value back. In order to do that, you do need to go into the no contact rule. I’m sorry to say it. I know you’re very frightened that he may go back to that girl. But good. Let him run back to that girl. If he’s cheating on her, he doesn’t love her and he doesn’t want her. It seems like, at least at one point, you were the bigger and better deal for him.
Again, I gave you my disclaimer with my thoughts on that. So what if he runs back to that other girl? Have more confidence in yourself and your abilities to influence him. You can get him to leave that girl. You can get him to come back to you. That’s the mindset you need to adopt.
I’m not saying you’re guaranteed to get him back 100% of the time. I can’t ever claim that. What I will say is, if you have confidence in yourself, your chances of that happening will increase. Go right back into no contact. We’re trying to get your value back. That’s key right now.
After the no contact rule, I want you to flirt with him the exact same way that you flirted with him before that made you hook up with him. There will be one difference this time. You’re not going to hook up with him. Think about that. You are not going to hook up with him. You’re going to be a tease. You’re going to make him mad. You’re going to lead him on a little bit. Then you’re not going to hook up with him. You’re going to take yourself away completely.
Let’s use the cake analogy. You are showing him the entire cake. You’re saying, “Come take a bite.” As he takes a step forward and another step forward, you completely throw the cake away. That’s what you’re doing here. You’re going to get your value back. You won’t just leave him wanting more, you will leave him wanting the whole cake. There’s something to that.
There’s more that you need to do. You need to understand that this will make him mad, but it will also raise your value. He may say, “Never talk to me again.” A little bit down the line, it’s highly likely that he will come back wanting more cake. At this point, when he does come back wanting more cake, friend zone him. I talked about this in the friend zone episode. I will link to that in the show notes of this episode. Then you can listen to that and understand how to friend zone a guy.
After the friend zone, I want you to lay down the law. After the friend zone, you will be enough value for him. You will be the bigger and better deal. What you’ve done here is keep no contact. I’ve talked about the no contact rule in the last episode. That was Episode 17. I’ll have a link for that in the show notes of this episode.
After the no contact, you’re going to flirt with him just the way you did before to make him want you in a sexual manner. Then you’re going to take that away from him. You leave him wanting more. He’ll be mad but he will want more. He will come back for more, most likely. Then, when he does come back for more, you’re going to friend zone him. Do things that make him feel like he’s in the friend zone.
Now you’ve put him in a position where he constantly has to chase you. You’ve become a higher value target for him. There is something powerful in doing that. After you’ve done these things, you need to lay down the law and explain to him that the only way that you will ever date him is if he is committed to you completely. If he gives you any run around, say, “Okay, fine. We will never be together.” Do that.
I’m a huge fan of trying to get your ex back from a position of power as opposed to a position of weakness. I think the number one mistake women make when they try to get their exes back is that they do so from a position of weakness. What I just explained to you with this game plan is how to get him back from a position of power.
It’s a position of strength. It’s a position of saying, “It is your loss. I have no problem walking away from this. I am higher value. I am so confident in myself that I can find someone way better than you. You should be begging me to take you back.” If he gives you a negotiation of commitment, any workaround or says something like, “I do love you but I’m just not ready to commit yet,” you say, “Okay. That’s fine. Then we will never be together. Understand that.”
Then walk away. Then go into a mini no contact rule for seven days. Repeat this process over and over again. You will always have him on your hook. He will always be left wanting more. He will always want you, Maggie. That is epic. That is what you need to do. You need to accomplish this if you want him back.
Again, I always want you to keep in mind that, if he did cheat on his new girlfriend with you, that may make you happy that you got him to cheat on his girlfriend. But it’s not a good sign at all. Somewhere down the line, you are going to think, “I wonder if he’s going to do that to me.” Usually, in more cases than not, he will do it to you. That is a big assumption.
If you want to learn more about how you can get your ex back from a position of strength as opposed to weakness, please check out my website, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery. Maggie, this will end the game plan for you and the episode.
If you have not subscribed or left a review on iTunes for this podcast, please do so. I’m not asking that you leave a positive review. Just leave an honest one. Tell me what you think. That’s what I care about. We need those reviews to continue to thrive on iTunes. Quite frankly, we are not doing what I hoped to be doing. I need the listeners here at Ex-Boyfriend Recovery to please help this podcast so that I can continue doing it. That’s it for me today. I hope you have a good week.
Jasmine
July 29, 2018 at 10:40 am
Hi,
My ex and I have been texting and we actually had a fun date tonight. I pulled away from him before he kissed me and teased me a bit but then he pulled me in and kissed me. However when he got home he wanted pictures from me and I sent them. Whenever I don’t send pictures he gets into a mood and flips a switch. What can I do about this ? I want to be seen as someone of value
Chris Seiter
July 29, 2018 at 3:57 pm
Hi Jasmine!
Probably best to talk to him about how it makes you feel
Nayara Pereira de Oliveira
September 1, 2017 at 5:29 pm
We were together for a year and he broke up 8 months ago because we fought a lot and I didn’t respect his privacy. I did the no contact rule for a month without interruptions, improved myself, became an ungetable girl, started talking through texts, then calls, then we started going out. He was suddenly moving out of the country, so he begged to see me and we ended having sex. When he canceled his trip, I talked and asked to take things slowly with exclusivity. He accepted. We have been doing for 5 weeks, the past 3 I denied having sex with him and he got really mad. We argued, I said that I wasn’t going to sleep with him and act as if I was his girlfriend without being and he said that wouldn’t search for me anymore, but kept sending texts. I was freaking out because after each date we were going further (holding hands, reintroducing me to his friends, being super jealous of me, and etcetera) but then he would say that “it wasn’t going to work”. So I asked if he agreed to take things slowly and let things happen, he said that he didn’t know. I said to him to only talk to me when he make up his mind and it’s been two days. Should I just wait? What do I do to finally get him back if he’s a commitment phobic? I have improved a lot, even his friends told him to get back with me already, but he keep saying that he doesn’t want to lose his freedom! I don’t know what to do!
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 4, 2017 at 6:48 pm
Hi Nahaya,
I hope you stick to nc.. check this ones:
My Ex Boyfriend Wants To Sleep With Me… Should I?
The Ungettable Girl
Teresa
February 5, 2017 at 12:01 am
I went through the same thing.. We broke up 2 months ago and we’ve had 2 hooks up now. And in the works of hooking up more in the couple months which he initiated. It made me think that maybe he’s still trying to get back with me that way.. I mean he’s handsome and he can easily hook up with other girls but he just kept coming back to me. He said “I still love you but not like that anymore”.. I get the feeling that he still want to work it out but afraid to commit to me.. I really need an advice..
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 5, 2017 at 7:57 pm
Hi Teresa,
he’s handsome, he can get other girls but that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t use who’s already available..dont be his friend with benefits. Dont devalue yourself by continuing to do that.. stop sleeping with him.. for me, you should do the no contact rule. If you dont want, at least stop sleeping with him..
Jess
January 31, 2017 at 12:15 am
Hi,
I am in desperate need for advice. I was dating this guy for four years. We broke up mutually and didn’t speak for about 8 months. After 8 months he started reaching out to me and told me he wanted me back. I gave in, we started visiting each other (LDR) and acting like we were dating again. Then he suddenly became distant, said he had a lot going on in his life personally and he couldn’t be the guy he wanted to be for me until he figured out his own stuff. Well I cut him off for months and now he is back again. We started texting, then going on dates, and ultimately I slept with him a few times while he was in town. We are still long distance for the time being, but I do miss him in my life. He’s been texting me (he initiates 90% of our conversations) but we haven’t talked about where things are headed from here and I am afraid he will become distant again and no commitment will be made since I slept with him and now we are talking regularly. Please let me know what I should do from here. Thanks
Jess
March 6, 2017 at 8:56 pm
Hi,
So we spent that weekend together and he has been coming to visit every couple weeks. We have been hanging out and talking a lot and I haven’t stopped being intimate with him. How do I ask him where this is going without scaring him away? I want to either commit or move on… I fear he is having his cake and eating it too with me and although we have only been doing this for 1.5 months now I don’t want to waste my time. Shouldn’t he know if he wants a commitment or not at this point since we dated for so long? Thanks.
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 10, 2017 at 3:11 am
dont sleep with him if you’re not together because that just lessens your chances of him committing. It will just make you friends with benefits.. check the link below:
How To Ask Your Ex Boyfriend To Be In A Relationship With You
Jess
February 6, 2017 at 8:19 pm
I will look at that. Now he has asked me to go on a weekend getaway/vacation with him and 2 friends. Do I agree to go?
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 7, 2017 at 5:26 pm
yeah, why not?
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 31, 2017 at 2:36 pm
Hi Jess,
check this one:
How To Ask Your Ex Boyfriend To Be In A Relationship With You
Heart
November 30, 2016 at 12:15 pm
I just went through something similar. I have a question, though. The first time I did NC, I didn’t warn him. I just completely ignored him until the 30 days passed. Is it okay if I don’t warn him again this time around? Or will this cause him to shut me out completely?
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 30, 2016 at 9:42 pm
Hi heart,
nope, it would be better if you don’t warn him..
Miwi
October 21, 2016 at 1:02 pm
Hi Chris,
I am in a similar situation with my ex. He broken up with me 3 months ago, but he also said that we keep in touch and talk again about us when he finishes his exam (he’s 32, an engineer, trying to pass his exam for his permanent visa). So we kept in touch almost everyday through texting and he asked me to go to a coffee market & dinner to celebrate my new job 2 weeks after breakup. We dated as like before and kissed, but didn’t sleep. He asked me again to meet for a movie 2 weeks after the dating, and we slept together. He kept saying he missed me, but he didn’t talk about getting back together. I felt he was using me so I told him about it and he said he never do it again…..However, we both dance salsa and where we go for dancing is same (that’s how we met) so we have been seeing each other at salsa parties even when we haven’t intend to see each other at least one a week. So, I have not done no contact at all for the past 3 months, but I started feeling like his feelings for me is disappearing as the frequency of texting from him is getting less and he has stopped to engage emotional conversations. We met last friday for dinner & salsa. He was very gentle as always, but he kept the line as a friend. I noticed that he has added many girls on FB (approx. 30 girls in the last 3 months) and all of them looked like he met at salsa parties. he also looked like partying a lot lately which he never ever done when he was with me. We simply danced, but not partying. he seemed he has been enjoying a bachelor life. 2 days ago, I told him that we should talk about us as he finished his exam recently and he said yes. But, we ended up talking by text message and he said he won’t be back with me and want to be friend. I said I waited for 3 months and I had enough. I refused to be friend. he said ok with it, but he told me that he received a letter which my friend sent to me (we were sort of living together for 4 months in his apartment) so he said we can meet at his place and watch a movie when I can come to pick the letter up which sounded weird after the talk and I felt he might have thought of sleeping with me again using the letter. I replied him that I won’t be his friend with benefit and didn’t come to pick the letter up. I was pretty upset so i also wrote good-bye. it happened 3 days ago. I am thinking to do NC, but not sure if it’ s effective as it has been already 3 months from the initial breakup and we slept once 1 month after the breakup. Please advice!!!
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 22, 2016 at 9:17 pm
hi Miwi,
There’s no guarantee that it will work but it’s better than staying to be his friend with benefits right? And the other choice you have is to move on..
Emilia
June 5, 2016 at 9:18 pm
My ex broke up 4 months ago saying he liked me but didn’t feel in love anymore. We recently met a lot and talked a lot and even slept together once. He told me I’m a cool person and that he really likes me and that he is really attracted to me but that he doesn’t feel in love even though he would love to. We keep talking a lot like great friends but I don’t know what to do for him to get the spark back. I really think we have compatible personalities and always have fun together even as friends. We both are 22 and have been together since 16. We used to be friends before we were a couple and have many common friends. I moved to study abroad 2 years ago and we kept seeing each other every month or so and spent summer and Christmas holidays together. I noticed he seemed less enthusiastic about visiting me during the last year so it was mostly me visiting him. Then he told me he liked me a lot but was not in love with me anymore. We still see each other as friends when I go back to my home town and I would like to save our relationship even if he seems to thinks it is already too late because he can’t feel butterflies for me anymore. Since he has never been single since high school and I was his first serious relationship, I don’t want to insist too much on him and let him enjoy being single, but he told me he does not want to waste time and tries to meet as many new women as possible to find ‘the one’. If he really finds happiness with someone else I would be happy for him and I think I could also meet someone, but I also hope we still have a chance together in the future because we really fit good together and are like best friends. I just don’t know what to do if he tells me he has fun with me, likes me a lot and finds me attractive, but can’t feel love for me anymore. Is not liking and finding someone attractive enough to fall in love?
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 15, 2016 at 5:36 am
HI Emilia,
because they’re no desire since you’re alwasy together.. You need to create desire by having space apart.
Red
May 29, 2016 at 4:52 pm
Hi!
In a previous version of this article I admitted I hooked up before he committed and am now finding myself in the dreaded friend with benefits zone. Especially as friends have come over to me recently, saying that he’s acting like a player at bars and nights out and openly saying he’s single… When each day he calls me, tells me he wants to keep me in his life even if we’re no longer “official”, we still have sex, tells me I’m what’s most important to him, and even takes care of me when I was sick recently without me asking for anything! He acts like the perfect boyfriend with me, but still no commitment. I’m starting to feel rotten about this and feel awful each time after sleeping together. Especially as I thought he just needed time to change his “player” ways and be patient, as he told me when I got back my stuff that he wanted to change, to be stable to one day have a family, that he just needed time but needed me to encourage him positively about it… And now he’s hesitating on changing, he’s starting to tell me again that maybe being a player is just part of who he is and how he’s angry how everyone is telling him it’s wrong and he feels peer pressured into a certain format. He’s going so far to compare how being a player is like being gay, and how awful it is for his friends and family tell him it’s “wrong”…. Ha! I’m starting to really smell the bull here. He’s turning in circles. I know he’s like this because his only other serious relationship before me she was a prostitute behind his back, and broke his heart! That since he thinks that since all girls are players why shouldn’t he be one too, like his father was. His mother and friends told me he wasn’t like this before. It bothers me as I see how happy he is with me, but I’m definitely not happy in this situation! I feel humiliated. I no longer know if I really am helping him to change by staying close or not. I know that during the no contact period he was really not well and lost a lot of weight and sleep, so it’s not going to help again to cut him from my life for such a long time. I want to be there for him, in sickness and health, like he is for me.
So Wednesday told him after sleeping together that I’d be more comfortable if it was a man with whom I’m in a relationship who was holding me in his arms. That he’s perfect, but that we’re not together. That I’m on a crossroad to or become just like him – a player and have fun while I’m young (since it’s so good for him why wouldn’t it be good for me? That maybe he’s right and so I should follow his example since he’s my hero! – He said it would be a waste of my upstanding moral values, that I’m not as full of sin as him, ha! ) or becoming even more morally demanding keeping myself for committed relationships and higher my standards to find the best man to settle down. Friday I told him that I’m lost on which road to take, that since he’s my best friend/lover/hero I needed his wise imput on the subject. I told him I had kept my low score of guys for him when we were together, ever since I met him even way before dating – to show him not all women are “the same” and out of love, but that today I no longer knew if it was of value in our modern world of one night stands, and would like to see him as a friend that evening to get his advice.
He told me he appreciated being called my hero but was busy that night, that we’d talk another time. I was really hurt, normally he’s always there for me when I say it’s really important. This was the first time as well that I told him that I had loved him even before dating, that «keeping my low score» from my 22 to 26 years old I did for him. I expected him to tell me how much he was touched, that it would make him realize what he has. I responded with: «Thanks, your answer answers my questions.» Later that night he told me I could talk to him by text. Yesterday night he tried calling a couple of times, probably booty call since it was at 1 AM (oh so great so now I get a call whe he doesn’t pick a girl home after a night out? how convenient!) . Today, Sunday, he’s sending me text asking why I’m ignoring him and called multiple times.
Since this friday following the advice you gave in another woman’s comment: No contact for 7 days. I admit I’m doing it out of spite, I’m angry! Should I follow through the whole week or talk again tomorrow? We have a very important gala Friday, with a famous author he looks up to joining us, and – ha ha – I’m the one that’s getting all 3 of us in with my contacts. I plan on bringing my A-game that night. So I know I have something he wants, that I’m in a position of force. But by not answering I know I’m coming off as the woman in hysterics before this event, I don’t want to ruin everything and I don’t want him to cancel him coming. I don’t know how to justify me doing no contact without passing off as a (too) difficult woman. Is weekend enough or should I really push it without feeling bad doing so. I’m always so nice, trustworthy and there for him as a person. I feel he deserves me giving him a hard time for once!
Red
May 30, 2016 at 12:09 pm
I’m starting to feel fed up and saddened. He’s sending me messages saying he really doesn’t appreciate no longer being answered without any explanation. I don’t know how he expects me to still react positively when I feel continuously rejected by him not committing to me or to his own decision to change. How can he say “without explanation” ? Is it not obvious that I have to spell it out and answer? I don’t even feel like answering but I feel like a bad person towards him for not, I don’t like hurting the person I love, yet more and more I’m starting not to care as he hurt my feelings so often that I feel like he’s just getting a taste of his own medicine.
I’m starting to feel so dissapointed that I no longer want to withhold sex just to get him to commit, but because I’m getting sick of it and feel it’s not as good as before when we were together, it feels disconnected for me and makes me uncomfortable. Even if I see that he’s even more passionate and caring than before, it’s just not as securing as commitment and being faithful. I’m feeling like better no sex at all than this feeling of discomfort after. Even if he holds me tight in his arms after and tells me how much he cares about me and will always be there in his own way, I’m starting to no longer believe him. If he did really care he wouldn’t need to have intercourse with other women more than he wants to make me happy and safe. I wasn’t selfish and let him be free at first, because I didn’t want him to be unhappy, I wanted him to have everything he needs in life and feel fulfilled. But this is making me unhappy. The worst isn’t even that he sleeps with other women, the worst is him not committing and basically leaving me up for grabs for other men to be with. Being in love I want to be with him, I don’t want him to accept me being with someone else. I know he loves me deeply, but I no longer am sure that he is in love with me. It makes me feel rejected and makes me want to take my distance for real and not just to get him back or get him to change. Is this what you mean when saying “you have to be ready to loose him in order to get him back?”
It’s sad, because I feel like you’re saying we have to fall out of love in order to get it back. And even if it’s still there glimmering, it’s fading. I want to save this as I’ve never cared so much for someone and shared so much, but I’m more and more tired: I no longer want to play games and follow elaborate strategies to keep him, I want to settle down and relax around him, feel we have each other’s backs as well as a future.
What to do? Answer him and stop the 7 day NC (a lot of my friends tell me “stop caring, that means stop all these game plans already”, but I still do care) ? Tell him all this face to face like I’m writing it down?
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 31, 2016 at 8:01 am
I think you have this image of him that he’s just lost, so while he’s lost you’re going to stay until he finally realizes that you’re the light he needs to follow. It’s not like that girl, but it’s good that everything that happened happened because it needs to for you to understand and really see that he’s just not serious with you. It’s ok if you experience it like that one time, but if it keeps happening, that’s because you let it happen. What I mean by being ready to lose somebody, is that you have to set your standards and be clear what your deal breakers are and what things you can forgive. You can’t give your all because that means you don’t really love the person, you just need him to feel loved.
Played
May 16, 2016 at 4:25 am
I posted in another subject a couple times what’s been going on in my situation, but I feel this section best fits me. I figured its best to tell my story here for advice.
Alright so I was my boyfriend for over a year. I basically lived with him at his mom’s house. We are in our late 20s and yes still live at home! But i’m waiting for a permanent teaching job, and well he has yet to find a job in his field but works part time. Things were amazing between us until March. He grew distant and cold towards me for about a week, and then broke up with me. He told me he was unhappy with himself and can’t be in a relationship because he needs to concentrate on working on himself and get his life together. (he has no job yet in his field and apparently gained weight). Since the break up I went into 25 day NC. He never contacted me. He joined a gym and sports team. He is and was always busy hanging out with friends almost every day he isn’t working (he only works 2 days a week). Which made me feel maybe he just needed space from me because we practically lived together at his house.
Anyways after the NC period I texted him on his happy birthday. Then he ended up texting me about bumping into someone I know, and we had a nice conversation. Then he always seemed to initiate the texts for 2-3 weeks and called me my pet name “girl.” I thought things were going great. He even asked to go over and have sangria but I was busy. He initiated another meet up but then bailed a minute after suggesting it. I was upset about it because I was excited to see him. He ended up saying he made plans with a girl instead. I got jealous and freaked out. Asked if it was a date and who she was etc. He said he isn’t hiding anything from me, she is a friend he hasn’t seen in a year. I ended up finding out who she was. His best friend Aaron has a girlfriend named Carly. Carly saw the car and it was Aaron’s ex of 3 years, Amy. Anyways since my jealous moment, he wasn’t so friendly towards me. Also, he did not mention to Aaron or any of his other friends he hung put with Amy (although Amy is friends with his friends. I never met her)
I did meet up with him the next week (I initiated it). We had a good time, but we got drunk and I couldn’t drive home. Although I intended on sleeping on the couch I ended up in his bed and we slept together. I left for work the next morning and that night he invited me over with his 2 friends. One of the friends was Amy! She was drunk and was going to walk with his other friend to sleep at their house. I offered to drive them but she was like no you stay. I stayed at my Exes, and well slept with him again. I was sober and I just felt used. He basically told me to leave the next morning even though we had the day off. Anyways because of that night I can conclude Amy knows we sleep together, and even commented “we were meant to be” when my exe told her a story about what we have in common out loud. I felt good because it seemed Amy was not a threat.
However, a week later (last week) I find out she spent 2 nights (friday and Saturday) so the whole weekend at his place. I ended up meeting my ex 2 days after that and sadly spent the night again. But saw evidence in his garbage that he slept with someone. My guess is obviously Amy. I spoke to one of his friends about it (he’s also friends with Amy) and well he told me he knew about her spending the night friday but claimed nothing happened she slept on the couch (he asked them about it). However he did not know that she spent Saturday night too. I asked why he hasn’t seen Amy in a year and the friend said it was probably out of respect for Aaron since it’s his exe, and that when Amy was with Aaron My ex became really good friends with her.
I saw him again this week (2 days ago), and well hooked up with him again. It was really good between us but as usual he did not cuddle me and I left the next morning. But today I find out from Carly that Amy is over at his place since the afternoon and I’m sure she is spending the night. (she always drives by his house on the way to work). He is hanging out with her in the day (which he doesn’t with me. I only see him later, and I always leave in the morning). Unlike her who seems to be allowed stay the next day. He is clearly messaging her more than me. I’m lucky if he texts once a week. I’m always the one initiating it. Also, he is hiding his meet ups with Amy from his friends but tells them when he hangs out with me. I doubt he wants anything serious with her, and well I doubt he is going to parade her in front of his friends. Especially his best friend Aaron. It’s so confusing. On top of it, he lives with his mom! His mom can clearly see he is juggling the 2 of us. One night my car is in the driveway over night, the next night’s it’s hers. What’s up with that?!
I just don’t know what to do. I want him back but at the same time I don’t want to be played. Should I continue seeing him and not sleep with him? Explain that I’m not comfortable being casual and the only way I’d sleep with him is if we’re committed. Act like I don’t know about Amy and continue texting/building a rapport and seeing him?
Or do I call him out on Amy? Tell him I refuse to be played and used and cut ties?
I really don’t want to cut ties because ideally I want him back. This situation seems hopeless because even if I cut him off from sex he is clearly getting it from Amy.
Played
June 14, 2016 at 3:24 am
Alright so it’s been just over 2 weeks since I wrote here. Since my last comment, my ex invited me to a movie (2 weeks ago) but he did not ask me to spend the night. It was super late at night and a relative was staying the week so maybe it was because of that? I don’t know….
A week later, I asked him to do something but he told me he wasn’t in the mood to see me. That hurt and I asked if there was an issue or problem between us. He insisted not and that we just don’t need to hang out every week. After this conversation he ignored my texts. I was confused because he claimed we were cool. I’m sure it’s because of Amy his attention to me has dwindled. She still is over all the time and his friends even joke to him about it, but he won’t admit it or say they are anything. I tried days later. Ignored. Now I know you shouldn’t get into arguments with your ex, but I felt as “friends” we could discuss whats going on. Plus I wanted him to know that I’m not ok with the way he is treating me. He knows he can get away with it too because he knows he has me wrapped around his finger. I wanted to show him this is not the case. I sent: Ok I guess we’re done having anything to do with each other and thats why he seems to respond to any of my texts? I know it was dramatic but I needed to get his attention….He answered right away to stop being dramatic he just wasn’t in the mood to talk or hang out at the moment. I asked him what he expected from me. That when he is ready to see me or text me that I’ll pretend you haven’t ignored me and be happy to see you or talk to you? That’s not how it works. He told me I needed to stop making a big deal of everything and we’re good. I asked you’re sure there is no problem? because your actions speak otherwise..He insisted no we’re good and were never not good.
This conversation happened 5 days ago. I still haven’t seen him in person and he does not initiate texts. I did text him today to see if we could do something this week. No day seems to work out for him because his week is pretty busy but he also isn’t putting in an effort to see me. For sure we could work out a day he just doesn’t want to.
I don’t know way to do to help my situation. I know it’s suggested to be present when your ex moves onto a new girl. But I would like to have successful text conversation and hang outs. What do you suggest I do to raise my value in his eyes and make him want to talk and see me?
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 17, 2016 at 2:20 pm
it’s actually just contunuing to improve yourself and excelling in what you do.. when you don’t chase somebody and you continue to be the best version of yourself and you radiate happiness, that’s when it’s easier to connect to other people
Played
May 27, 2016 at 3:14 am
It’s been really hard for me because now she is over almost every other night. I also snuck a peek at his phone quickly last time I was over and saw they message constantly super flirty, and well he stopped being flirty with me the moment she came into the picture. I haven’t seen him since the “friends talk.” We have chatted since he had a job interview that went well and is in the process of maybe getting a full time job. But he doesn’t add much to our conversations. I’m just scared if I go into a mini NC he won’t care. In fact maybe he’ll be relieved because I’m out of the picture and he won’t feel like he’s hurting me. I have a feeling he wants to commit to Amy and is scared to tell me. That’s why he is so distant when I’m around. He isn’t even friendly towards me lately so how can he even say we’re friends. I know this is wrong, but I almost want to see if he’ll still sleep with me so that she too is being played. I’ll try the mini NC though. It will give me a fresh start. See if he initiates and actually cares about me enough to want to see me and know whats going on in my life. Any other suggestions to help my case when he practically has a new girlfriend?
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 30, 2016 at 4:10 am
The truh is, he would likely not care or not notice if you nc because he has a new girl.. the goal of the nc is for you to be more emotionally stable and to start establishing that you’ve moved on and to build more attraction by going out more and being more attractive.. it’s like making him miss you not because of your absence but because of your progress
Played
May 24, 2016 at 12:20 am
Wow I’m being a comment nag :O but another event has happened. We hung out last night & he had a talk with me. He told me that he doesn’t want to get my hopes up that he has changed his mind about the break up & that he wants to be clear that we are hanging out as friends. He told me he doesn’t want me to get hurt because he is worried I want more. I wasnt sure what to say. But I simply said I know its ok. I’m not pressuring you or anything. You don’t have to worry about my expectations. And I questioned why all of a sudden he is having this talk with me (in the back of my mind I thought maybe he wants to commit to Amy). He didn’t say. I pushed a little to see if he’d bring Amy up. I said what confuses me at the moment is that you were all about sleeping with me before & now you don’t seem to want to. He said I don’t want to hurt you into thinking it’ll be more. But if you’re ok knowing that we can sleep together. I did in the past because sex is great. But you need to know we’re only friends. He seemed to have more in his mind. Like conflicted I’m sure about Amy. Not knowing how to bring her up. Guilty that he would still sleep with me even though they are clearly something. I didn’t spend the night. I told him you’re right sleeping together will just confuse us. I don’t really know how to proceed now. When Wednesday happened I thought we were on the road to being back together. Then Friday happened where he was cold & distant & sent me home to be with Amy. Now Sunday night he is friend zoning me. I have no idea how to proceed. Do I even have a chance of getting him back? What can I do to help my chances? Or is it hopeless & I have to accept the only way to have him in my life is as a friend.
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 24, 2016 at 8:15 pm
It’s ok. You’re not a nag. I’m just late to reply. I think you became too available.. Try to do a mini nc, like nc and then after that do a jealousy moves as well and continue to do what you started in your first nc to improve yourself. Maintain that.
Played
May 21, 2016 at 12:47 pm
More has happened since the softball night (Wednesday). I went to his place Friday after work. We made the plans at the beginning of the week. He was in a weird mood. Claimed he was hungover & just didn’t know what to do & life was hard. He kept saying we should make sangria & get BBQ & go toss the softball at park. But then never got up to do it. I’d be like so want to toss the ball? No too lazy. Ok get Sangria stuff? No not in the mood. I don’t know what I want. It was not great. Then he said I don’t know what I’m in the mood for. Life is so hard right now. I guess we’ll call it a night. & basically made me leave at 9pm. I drive by his place before this morning & low & behold Amy’s car was over! Clearly he made me leave so he could have her over. I’m hurt. I don’t know what to do….Wednesday was soooo great now this
Played
May 19, 2016 at 12:34 pm
His best friend recently commented that “they were meant to be. It was always pretty obvious.” Which hurts me to hear because maybe he wants something serious with her…
However, he actually invited me to his first ever softball match yesterday. I went & then we watched tv at his place. He instructed me to rest my head on him & I did. Then we went to bed. I was going to be a tease but he did not try anything. He spooned & cuddled me. Something he’s never done since the break up. & even kissed my back when he turned over to sleep with more distance. In the morning he cuddled me more & also rested his head on my stomachs. He kissed it when he got up.
We didn’t kiss or anything but I’m so confused by his behaviour! Why the sudden sweet affections? Plus why did you not want to have sex? Is it because he doesn’t want to “cheat” on Amy?
I’m sooooo confused. Any thoughts?
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 19, 2016 at 9:01 am
HI,
I remember you, I can’t remember your other name.. nope don’t tell him, just stop the sex… and if you can, follow Chris advice to be a tease, but if you’re not emotionally ready.. Just stop seeing him in a place that you’ll be alone.
Jen
April 14, 2016 at 8:30 am
I ran into my ex and we had a few too many drinks…flirtation was running rampant and he ended up kissing me…and things went a little further than they should have. The last few times I saw him before this happened, we were friendly to each other and it wasn’t awkward…it was actually really nice to be able to be in the same room as him without tension (we have several mutual friends). Anyway, he recently texted me asking if I’d like to grab a coffee this week. I’m all over the place with emotion – do you think it’s a bad thing (he’s going to say things went too far) or maybe he just wants to catch up? I’m a bit hesitant to meet him for coffee if he’s going to tell me what a mistake it was.
I appreciate any advice!
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 14, 2016 at 12:55 pm
Hi Jen,
why do you think the meetup is going to be bad? if you’re comfortable in the same room, wouldn’t it be likely that he asks you to catch up?
Nur
April 6, 2016 at 8:45 am
Hi Chris, I have known my ex bf for 6 years. We were together for 3 years and we broke up in 2013. After we broke up, we still kept in touch and was sleeping with each other. Now 2016 things have changed , we see each other only once a week, do things like couples would, stay over etc I have however stopped having sex with him for close to 2 months because he is not in a committed to me and because I didn’t tell him my reasons for doing so, I think he is suspecting something? How should I move on from here? We care for each other and our dynamics is great. I can see that he is insecure and takes his cues from me eventhough he is 35 years old,owns his own company, very sociable and seems very confident. He has however become a fatter than he was 6 years ago. I am not sure if that plays a part in him being insecure eventhough he acts like he doesnt care. I do know that he is getting to know women from okcupid and Tinder but many rejected him. I was also thinking of letting him know that I would only sleep with him he was in a committed relationship with me but he seems to have withdrawn a bit because of work related stress and mental torture as he would call it so I am giving him space. Doesn’t seem like a good time for me be saying that to him now maybe? I was hoping you could advise me Chris. I do want him back. 🙂
Nur Khan
April 27, 2016 at 1:29 am
I just want to know how to move on from here? He still wants me to sleep over and do things with him max twice a week no sex involved of course. I want him to be commited to me.
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 27, 2016 at 9:10 am
it’s actually tricky.. because you have to risk losing him in order for him to commit.. a guy wouldn’t commit if he sees he doesn’t need to.. Be more busy with your own life.. go out with friends.. show him that you’re not there always.. but prepare yourself.. because if he’s not serious he will stop seeing you..
Nur
April 21, 2016 at 9:41 am
Hi, I am not giving him any benefits. We just hang out and we havent been sexual for almost 2 months.
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 23, 2016 at 4:26 am
Oh sorry! I misunderstood..that’s good..don’t be sexual especially if you’re not together
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 8, 2016 at 12:32 pm
Hi Nur,
you became friends with benefits for him.. you have to talk calmly and tell him your standards..if you think it’s not a good time, set yourself a limit until when you would wait because it’s not healthy to stay in that situation
Kaitlin
June 4, 2015 at 2:01 pm
i really need your help asap! i broke up with my ex almost 3 weeks ago and we have been kind of talking in and off. So he asked what I was up to and i told him that my friend was having a party this weekend and i accidentally invited him! what should i do? im still completely in love with him. Please help me!
Shelby
April 27, 2015 at 6:03 pm
Hello! I was with my ex bf (who broke up with me after things got kind of serious) about 3 weeks ago and things got pretty hot and heavy. I left without sleeping with him and he’s since asked to hang out but I wasn’t available. Now I am going to see him again this week and I was just wondering if it would be too much to sleep with him? I want him back and to sleep with him but I don’t want sex to be the only thing he wants. Just curious as to what I should do because I have no idea what he wants. When he first started dating me he did SOOO many romantic things and made it pretty clear he wanted me both physically and emotionally. But now, since we’ve started talking again…it’s definitely not like how it first was when he was trying to “woo” me. The one thing I will say that kind of hinted he missed me was that he had kept the bottle of champagne he bought me for my birthday and it was still in his fridge, unopened..and he made it a point to show me when I was at his house the other week. No idea what I should do.
Hello I needz Chris asap pls.
April 19, 2015 at 4:09 am
Hiya Chris. I’m gonna keep this short and sweet.
I had sex with my boyfriend while we are broken up. We’ve been together for 3+ years.
We broke up because he wants to “focus on himself” which he defines as finishing college, focusing on getting up the ladder in his job, and getting an apartment. Understandable. We’ve been broken up for 2+ months.
Since then I was always the one initiating contact, telling him I miss him, love him, etc. He tells me he loves me too, is still in love with me, etc, but just does not want to be with me right now.
But yesterday I had a “vulnerable episode” so he took me out to eat so we can talk and get some food into my system. We had sex before and after, and before both times he told me “I don’t want to hurt you.” I was the one who initiated the sex, and loved it. lol No, I don’t feel more attached to him after but I still do want him back as my boyfriend.
I started the NC for 30 days. I’m on day 2. What do you think about the situation, and do you think NC will be effective?
Chris Seiter
April 20, 2015 at 9:22 pm
May I ask what you are doing with your life?
He is focusing on his career he claims.
Do you have a career?
Mickala
April 15, 2015 at 6:49 pm
Ok so a week after I move he shows up at my house begging me to come back that I wasn’t horrible to his children that it was just they wished their mom was more like me ! I loved his kids and gave then structure and security like my daughter had ! I was there every night to make dinner and give them security even when my daughter was at her dad’s . If he was to drunk to take them to school I did ! He said he was sorry for the way he had treated me and missed me and realized that I don’t need him that I want him ! Even said he was jealous that I was doing so great cause he moved back to his moms ! I took him back ! He was hired to help open a new restaurant and again still drinking to excess every night ! Not a seeing his phone but showing up at my house at 2,3,4 am drunk ! He asked me to marry him without a ring ! I didn’t get excited cause he can barely afford Christmas ! He got mad cause I wasn’t planning our wedding ? How can I ? My family and friends hate u ! My mom is my mom but she’s a meth addict herself and one night she’s at my house and he comes home with me . Him and my mom get jnti because of him hitting me in the past and my mom hits him a few times which he said he deserved but my mom kept provoking a fight and then he ends up hitting my mom . Yeah , let’s get married ! My cousin and I don’t hang out much but we were getting together cause she was taking my daughters pictures . He calls around 5:30 says he is picking up the kids at 7 and stopped at the bar to have drinks , then calls me at 8 tells me to pick the kids up cause he is to drunk ! He knows my cousin and I don’t get much time ! I was posers but I picked up the kids ! He wrecked his car driving drunk home from the bar learlier that month hit out and ran and is still making 2 car payments cause they could not locate him fur the police report !
Ok , thanksgiving was great , had it at my house with both families , my family was my aunt and my daughter but his whole family was there !
My aunt in Chicago is like my mom and she cannot stand him. She is coming to visit and I try to stand my ground with her telling her that we are working in things and that he is treating me better ! She does not wAnt him around for her visit ! He freaks out tells me I let other people run my life and we break up for a week ! Longest time we ever broke up , we got back together then right after Christmas was break up again just cause I’m suck if the drinking ! During that time he tries to quit smoking and us taking chantix . He goes out kind night loses his phone and can not remember anything . A few dats later I get a call from a mutual friend and she tells me he showed up at another friends house freaked out on that guys girlfriend hit her and trashed their house and tipped over his friends motorcycle . Great ! I have to tell him what he did cause supposedly the chantix made him black out and he can’t remember ! Finally his friends see what I’m talking about ! He starts a new job as a car salesman which I thought he would be grat at cause he’s an awesome bullshitter ! I told him he was gonna to end up cheating in me with a girl he sells a car to then he said the dealership made him sign something stating that he would not fraternize with customers ! In Nebraska u have to have a license to sell cars and because of his multiple DUI’s we were unsure about this but all went well and he got it !!! The night before our 3 year anniversary jan 28th 2015 he shows up at my house drunk and coked out can’t even figure out how to turn his car off I have to go do it and tells me he needs my support to help him through aa . I said fine but we are fine but I will be ther for u to support u through aa ,I told him I was tired and my daughter was home and I have school and work in the morning and he left ! Next day he send me flowers in our anniversary , he said he ordered them a few weeks ago so he couldn’t cancel them . Yeah right this man does not plan a fuvking thing ever more than 3 days in advance ! Ok so we work in things . Feb 28 th were fighting cause now his mom is taking care if his kids while he’s at the bar every night ! I meet my girlfriend for dinner after I leave he calls and asks why I didn’t say hi to our waitress friend and I’m like I didn’t see her , then I’m like u were there. ? Yeah , I was ! U didn’t say hi to me and my best friend ? No , were fighting and didn’t want to cause a scene ! Right , he loves attention ! So I’m thinking he’s seeing some one , I asked if he was , he says no , I told him I was seeing someone and that we are done! I really wasn’t but I did want to be done ! So he calls me in Monday mar 2 cause he wants to see me this week to talk . Tuesday he’s off and I had to go to Kearney and I had him go with ! We talk but not much resolved , I fessed up that I’m not seeing anyone that I made it up ! He is moving into a house a block away from his moms on mar 15 th so I’m happy for him . He asks if he can see me for my bday mar 4 th , I said fine . He didn’t get me a present , just came to visit and then shows back up much later drunk and crying that he does not want to lose me and that he hasn’t cheated on me in over a year and that he hasn’t hit me in a year and that he is trying to be the good guy ! The next day we both took off work and spent the day together it was really nice even had a nice weekend ! That mon mar 9 he was gonna come by to bring me cigs , he said if be sleeping but I told him to wake me up . I woke up and I didn’t have a text or a missed call from him so I freaked and texted him ! I go fine stairs to lick my door and I see the cigs I text him an apology , the next day he blocks my number and is seeing a new girl !
Then callsme Friday mar 13th cause he wants to talk . I told him he could come get my house key and that he could stay the night cause he was moving that weekend . He comes to get the key but ends up storming out cause he said I was flirting with a customer . The new girl helps him move and he tags her in FB . I wait a few days and I text him to ask how the move went and who his new friend is he lies and says what new friend ? I’m like come on ? Well she’s just a friend and she’s pretty young ! I’m like u have 3 kids and I didn’t even get to say goodbye but now u have a new girl around them . We go back and goth and I’m hurt cause he replaced me so fast and I gave so much !!! Then he calls and says he misses me and that he does not as want that girl . I had FB messages her every time he came over and we had sex so she knew what a dog and a liar he is . He says he met her at a bar , he sold her a car and that’s how it happened and his work found out and he’s about to get fired ! They were fighting th either night and he calls me to tell me about it , the next day she finally gets my messages and freaks out even more she messages me and says I’m lying , I forward her texts and emails proving I’m not ! Why would I want him back after all of this ! Ther is something wrong with me I know !
Chris Seiter
April 16, 2015 at 3:39 pm
Maybe because he made you feel better than any boyfriend you had before?
Mickala
April 15, 2015 at 6:13 pm
Hi ! My name is Mickala . I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years on Feb 28, 2015 . When I met him he was leaving his ex wife of 15 years 13 of those they were married . He met her scoring drugs and since he was headed to jail for a DUI she was fun to party with . He went off to jail and she sent him a letter stating she was pregnant and there is a possibility it was his . He found out later the child was not his but loved him and adopted him . They had another child that was his and he married her the day before he went to jail again . She consummated their marriage with another man . They were both meth addicts for a very long Time . He quit cause he wanted more and they attempted to save the relationship with another child and that just made it worse . Anyways we start dating , I knew what he was going through so I didn’t expect much then my daughters dad finds out I’m seeing someone and decided he wants to marry me . My daughters dad is very successful and I would have had a life of luxury but I felt sorry for the guy I was dating and this time I wanted love ! Not someone that looked good on paper or someone that could spoil me . I’d had that and they were asses ! I thought I had found true love ! The first year was good . I chalked his drinking up to mid life Chrisis cause he was approaching 40, going through a divorce and not seeing his kids to much . I didn’t want him to drink and drive so I would get out of bed and go get him at 3, 4 am cause he was getting his license back in less than 4 months after a 15 year revocation . I know , he does not sound good but I believe in second chances and that there is good in everybody ! I helped him in every way a good girlfriend should ! Threw bday parties for his kids made sure when they visited there was good and the house was clean . He did little surprises for me too . In feb of 2013 by best friend was getting married in Vegas . I’m a planner and it was spur if the moment so I opted not to go . My boyfriend at the time just bought a new car and said it would be great bonding if we drive and that it would be great for me to be there for my best friends wedding . Had a graft time ! I’m not much if a partied and we were on a right schedule to get back . After the wedding dinner my friends were going out I was beat and I told him to go out I was going to bed . My friends came to visit at like 4am and mike was supposed to be with him but he wasn’t . He didn’t surface until 10am with a different hotel key card and his bank account completely wiped out ! These were my best friends that I’ve known for years and I was not ruining their glory by fighting with my boyfriend ! I let it go ! A month later was my birthday and it was Great ! He wanted me to move In with my daughter and his 2 girls ! He got full custody of his daughters his ex kept their son . I moved in late March . I lost my phone while we were moving and had to use his to call mine to find it . I did not like the pic of me that he had I. His phone so I started to look through pics to see if there were any better ones . I found a pic if a girl flashing her bra to him at his work . He was promoted as GM at a local restaurant that I worked at part -time and where we met . I bought him new clothes to wear for being a manger cause he didn’t have any nice clothes because they did not live that kind of lifestyle . Anyways after they closed him and employees would hang out and drink and party . He said he had no friends his age so he became friends with his employees . Many late nights if drinking and me at home worried about h getting another DUI . I freaked when I saw the pic and he swore he wasn’t cheating ! I was furious and just wanted to unpack and get settled . He apologized and swore he wasn’t cheating and didn’t want to fight but to make love on my first night of living together . I was upset and I rolled over and went to bed . The next 3 weeks he came home only 3 or 4 nights . He stayed out one night all night and never came home or called and I was worried ! My daughter was at her dad’s but his girls were home with me . I had to go to work and get the older one to school and get the younger one to his moms house . Finally about 10 am I hear from him and he said great thinking girly ! Thanks for taking care if the girls ! Wtf ? I knew he was cheating and drinking so I moved out 3 weeks later ! During those 3 weeks was one of the first times he was physical with me . I moved out and a few days later he came to his senses and begged for me to come back . I told him no ! I don’t want you or to live with you . I gave in on both In the end . We moved in again in august if 2013 with all 3 of his kids and my daughter . His ex wrecked into a house with his youngest in broad daylight and had his youngest child with her . She was cited for every substance and paraphernalia u can think of no insurance and child endangerment . He got full custody of all 3 of them . While moving in we both lost out jobs but I always have a second job to fall back on so I was good ! He had to find a new job . He took a job as a gm of a high end sushi restaurant and had 2 work 6 days a week . I figured he would make an effort to be home every night since he worked so much , no , again he made friends with the staff and went out drinking every night after work . He came home every night but not until after the bar was closed . One weekend he went out to watch football . Said he wouldn’t be gone long but that if I wanted to I could join him . I called him and asked when he would be home . He was upset cause I asked him and told me he does what he wants . He did not come home until the next day . He put a GPS app on our phones cause he thought it would make me feel more secure that he wasn’t cheating if I knew where he was at . I found him at his teenage daughters friends moms house . He swears he did nothing with her ! I’m not dumb but now we were in a lease . Ok so for a few weeks he comes home and drinks instead of going out but then he starts going out again ! He had to use my laptop cause something was wrong with his he left his email logged in and it had the back up of text messages I did go through them and it confirmed what I had already known about the cheating the first time I moved in the girl he cheated on me with that we both worked with and then for shits and giggles I looked at the texts from his ex just cause I wondered what she says about her kids cause she was not a good mom and barely cared to see them , I wish I hadn’t ! Found out he had been cheating on me with his ex ! I expected that in the beginning but 2 years later ? C’mon ! I confronted him and he told me something’s the other person just should not know about ? Securing his ex while he’s downstairs drinking and I’m upstairs waiting for him to come to bed just so disheartening but he didn’t see it as cheating . Ok so now were living together I’m paying for everything household wise from food to cleaning supplies ! I told him I’m not paying the full half if the rent cause it’s just me and my daughter and I but everything else . He was fine with that but come dec he said I’m ruining Christmas for his kids ! I felt bad so I ran out and got them a bunch if stuff my daughter was already taken care of but u picked up where he left off ! I told him maybe if he didn’t go to the bar every night he would have more money ! I waited on the couch for him one night to come home . When I woke up he came in angry and dragged me around the living room and choked me for about 2 hours ! His 2 older kids heard everything ! Luckily my daughter was at her dad’s . The next day he says he was done and was sorry . I was just shocked and again we had a lease . We celebrated our 2 year anniversary with an awesome night out ! Trying to repair things . A few weeks later I meet him after work for drinks ! Sometimes the only time I got to spend with him ! I blacked out and all I remember is him punching me and pushing me out if the car . I guess I was angry and said things I shouldn’t have but didn’t warrant him hitting me . I found a ride home . My aunt was at our house with my daughter .
He ran home and hid in the bedroom as if he’s been there all night ! He texted me after I went to work that he was moving out , I said that’s fine . When I got home he suggested counseling then took it back cause we have to be honest and him hitting me could put him in jail . The next 2 nights he comes homes and makes love to me and does not pull out . In 2 years he’s never fine that and I’m like wth ? Then in a few weeks starts asking me if I’m pregnant ? I’m like no I’m not , why are u asking ? It’s my bday again and again he did a great job ! After my bday we go out again and at the end if the night he fessed up to all of his cheating and apologized ! I say nothing cause I am just shocked ! I go through his phone only to find that the night if my actual bday he texted his ex to have sex , she didn’t respond but still , gross !!!! I find out I’m pregnant ! He’s happy about it , I’m not even though I want another child I can’t with him . He barely takes care of his 3 kids he has and he’s a drunk ! I decide to terminate he freaks out and begs me to have it cause he gets better with every kid he has had or just have the baby and give it to him . I asked him that if I were to have the baby that during my pregnancy would he quit drinking to insure me that he wasn’t going to hit me . He laughed cause it was at Patricks day and said no ! I wasn’t asking then, right now but for the future ! He went to the clinic to terminate the pregnancy but did not speak to me for about 6 weeks ! He said he was hurt and could not believe I hurt him like that and that we were over . I looked for a new job and secured my new place for me and my daughter ! I moved out the week of July 15th he moved out at the end if the month . My friends and aunt helped me move , not him but he wanted me there to help him move !
Adeline
April 12, 2015 at 5:40 am
Hi Chris, does this work even when he’s overseas? I visited him overseas for a week and we hooked up, only to claim that it was because he still have residue feelings of the past relationship with me. What should I do? Should I go back to the 30 days NC again? He’ll be back in about 2 months time.
Adeline
April 12, 2015 at 9:00 am
Also, he mentioned that he was able to hold out much longer during the hookup as compared to us being in a relationship. But he also said that the sex was intense. I seriously regretted letting him get to me. He also mentioned that when I was away, he masturbates while thinking of me. Does this mean something Chris? I’m getting paranoid. Please help Chris! Appreciate your response.
Rico
April 10, 2015 at 6:00 am
Hey Chris….you are right on the button. As a guy, I think an ideal women who keeps me guessing and is even a bit titillating has a lot of value in my mind. Looking and thinking about opening the package is sooooo much fun.
Jenna
April 9, 2015 at 4:22 pm
Hi Chris ! I have been reading your posts almost religiously.. (I should probably focus on other things lol) and this post is pretty simular to my situation. I was trying to listen to the podcast but it won’t work on my phone.
I have managed no contact to the best of my ability aside from my ex contacting me early in about a family situation and asking when he could drop my stuff off (at the end of no contact so I’m not sure if that counts? ) I was doing pretty good and though have gone through an emotional Rollercoaster I have been trying to improve myself.
We have dated for 4 years but it was a relationship started in high school and we never really set a goal or chance to grow with this relationship. I was afraid to commit because of my insecurities with him. He wanted to but I pushed him away because I wasn’t 100%. we had a decent relationship but never went over our problems and just avoided talking about things for the most part.
The breakup wasn’t bad but it wasn’t good with the way it was led up to . (He was ignoring me that week and I panicked and called him over and over)
We finally sat down to talk and that was the moment I realized that’s all I needed and how we have been going at things in the wrong way. I just needed to talk things out/have better communication. But ultimately he ended it for different reasons. “I want a break from relationships” stuff like that.
Fast forward and he comes to my door with my stuff in hand (I chose the date and put him on my time)
He is resistant to chatting at first (I invite him in just to catch up.) but eventually he walks in and talks with me. Everything was going great but I think I kept him around too long but he also was trying to stall to stay around me? When he was going to leave we hugged (he kept looking at me like he wanted one so I did and I guess that was a mistake)
he wouldn’t let go of the hug and eventually tried to kiss me , I told him I didn’t want to but it happened (clearly it’s hard to resist because I still like him) things led to another and we kind of hooked up. I didn’t want it to happen and at the time It felt good but at the back of my mind I was confused as hell. Later that night he sends me a long messaged about how he was sorry for doing that and how he still thinKS things won’t work out between us (ouch) and how apparently he is talking to some other girl because he is an emotional wreck and she needs someone to talk to as he does. (Ouch again)
So I got mad and felt disrespected but I know it was a mistake and such but I’m currently cooling off from the situation. Taking a mini NC to recollect myself. He still wants to hangout with me and I’m not sure what to do because I still wanan hangout and talk with him. I’m not sure what to do about the other girl either. They aren’t in a relationship but to me it sounds like if they ever do its not going to be stable.
I’m not sure if I should text him though I’m cooling off or the next time I contact him it should be when we hangout next. I feel like spending time with him in person will help show how I want things to be different and how I’m working to become a better person.
S
April 8, 2015 at 4:56 am
If I lay down the law and walk away if he can’t leave her and commit to me, won’t he completely stop chasing me? I know I sound silly, but how will I be able to win him back like this?