By Chris Seiter

Updated on August 10th, 2021

I get this question often. When is it right to hook up with an ex boyfriend?

Let’s say you broke up with your boyfriend and things were pretty bad right after the breakup.  You are still talking and seeing each other, trying to work through the problems.  He doesn’t listen.  You can never get your points across.

Anger and negative passions grow.  And then something happens.  The spark of all that passion ends up igniting a sexual awakening and the two of you end up sleeping together.

Usually the sex is amazing.  But later, when its over, you discover you still don’t feel there has been closure on the problems the two of you were discussing.

Now you wondering whether sleeping with your ex boyfriend was such a good idea after all. Your stream of consciousness might sound like,”OK, we just did that.  I can’t believe that happened. I just slept with my ex boyfriend, now what?”

You probably know deep down that sleeping with your ex boyfriend to get back together is seldom a good long term strategy.  But when all that passion is flowing, it’s hard to fault yourself for wondering if your ex still wants you.

Are You Telling Yourself “I Slept With My Ex Boyfriend Stories”!

looking into the mirror of your relationship

The sex with your ex was so good and the pillow talk lifted up your spirits, you may think to yourself.

This can’t be wrong.  It’s a beautiful thing to make sweet love to your boyfriend, right?

You reason, both of you wanted this. You got what you wanted and probably needed for the short term.  No doubt the sexual tension was maddening.

But what you don’t count on is that cold splash of reality that hits you a few hours later.

Sometimes sleeping with your ex boyfriend after a breakup doesn’t end so well. Indeed, sometimes you end up feeling even worse.

So, if you came here for a quick and useful answer (And I hope you didn’t as I have much more to tell you!), then let me offer you some advice:

Immediately giving in and sleeping with your ex boyfriend, who you still love, is almost always counterproductive as it will often lead to further angst and confusion about what it all means and where you go from there.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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What Does It Mean When I Sleep With My Ex?

First off, what it means is you don’t have your head screwed on right.  Jumping from a breakup right back into bed with your ex is not that unusual.

In fact, it is pretty common. Perhaps the breakup is still fresh, yet you have not seen each other for sometime. Your juices get flowing and you look into his eyes and you see his desire and it meets up with your desire.  Before you know it, you and he are having sex.  And it is amazing.  It is wonderful. But it is almost always the wrong thing for you both to do.

When all the passion has died down and you both fumbled your way through some words and about what to do next, both of you will be wondering what it all means.  Does the act of sex point to a reconciliation that is on the horizon you wonder.  It sure felt good physically and emotionally.  It may have been some of the best lovemaking you both experienced in quite some time.  But what does it mean for your relationship?

I can assure you that if you are like most, you will have this thought of “I slept with my ex and I’m so confused now”.

So let’s walk through the 9 things that you can take from this encounter if you are looking to make sense of why you and your ex boyfriend ended up in bed together.  Just know that making love with your ex can mean many things and some of them are both good and bad.  So as you go through this list, just know that not everything may apply to your situation, but some will, and very likely at least one will be the core reason why you could not resist him.

What Are The 9 Takeaways of You and Your Ex Sleeping Together?

we are close

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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  1. Sleeping with your ex boyfriend can mean that neither of you are quite sure about whether the breakup is permanent.  So it is a test for yourselves as it is for each other.
  2. You find yourself in bed with him because you still have that sexual connection, despite the troubles inside the relationship
  3. Your sought to drown out your upset feelings and sex seemed to be the cure.
  4. You were subconsciously looking for ways to attract your ex boyfriend, luring him into bed.
  5. You may found yourself  drawn back into the relationship by an ex boyfriend who knows how to push the right buttons.
  6. The fact that you ended up sleeping with your ex boyfriend means you both are struggling to break off what may otherwise be a toxic relationship defined by up an down cycles.
  7. Doing it showed that you and your ex are starting to put your breakup problems behind you.
  8. Climbing into bed together was a lame way for you both to say goodbye to an otherwise troubled relationship.  It seemed to be a romantic and suitable way of ending things, but it usually leaves you both feeling even more empty at the end.
  9. It could be your way of testing yourself as to whether you still want to be with your boyfriend.

5 Reasons Why Sleeping With Your Ex Boyfriend Is a Good Idea

drawing close together

Some people will tell you that it is never a good idea to hook up with your ex boyfriend.  They will tell you that you are chasing a dream and that all you are doing is satisfying your emotional needs to be loved and needed and not accepting that your ex boyfriend is simply no good for you.

They could be right about that, but then again, there are times when making love with an ex boyfriend can help you.

1. Rebuilding The Intimacy With Your Ex

Sometimes a breakup happens for the wrong reasons.  Instead of there being serious problems that cause the two of you to go your separate ways, it was more of a fit of anger or passion.  Those hurt feelings can sometimes be repaired when you transfer those passionate feelings into something constructive….making love.

2. You Need To Prove To Yourself That You Still Love Your Ex Boyfriend

Doubts about your feelings for your ex boyfriend can easily creep into your mind.  One part of you knows that you still love him and want him, but another part is unsure.  He wants you back and is saying and doing all the right things, but your confidence in the relationship has been damaged and some part of you is unsure if you will feel as close.  This is not an uncommon reaction to a breakup and sometimes exposing your vulnerabilities and being intimate can help both of you forge a new beginning.

3. You Both Could Probably Use a Feel Good Experience

Sometimes the stress of a breakup can tear each of you apart to the point where you are both completely lost as to why you were fighting so much.  So a good romp in the sack can sometimes clear out all the craziness and get you both re-calibrated.

4. Making Love Is Healthy and Can Satisfy Your Urge for a Sexual Outlet

Some people often crave the need for sex and experiencing physical intimacy with your ex can satisfy that primal urge.  If you really need it and the feeling is mutual, as long as you can set aside the other complications with the relationship and focus on satisfying each other intimacy needs, there is usually more to be gained than lost.

There is also a chemical triggered benefit.  After you make love with your ex boyfriend, irrespective of the problems you both my be experiencing, oxytocin will be released (also known as the cuddle hormone) and that will serve to pull you emotionally closer.

5. You and Your Ex Boyfriend Might Benefit From a Stress Reducer

Chances are that if you and your guy are on the out, times have been really stressful. You may feel a lot of pent up feelings of all kinds.  The effect of making love with someone you feel intimately close to can help you unload some of this stress and perhaps open up a line of communication that will further unburden you from unreasonable fears that your ex hates you or does not value you.

5 Reasons Why Sleeping With Your Ex Boyfriend Is A BAD Idea

sad about choices

Most people automatically think of all of the bad things that happen if you end up sleeping with your ex boyfriend, right?  Why is that?  Well, it is mostly because after a breakup, you are going to be emotionally vulnerable and ragged and make poor decisions.

One bad move could be running back to your ex offering yourself in the hopes that he will realize he is a fool for letting you go.  Unfortunately, the reasons for a breakup are often not about sex or the lack of sex.  It is other things that can be very complicated to talk about because sometimes neither you or your ex even understand it fully.

Here are 5 reasons not to jump into bed with your ex!

1. You Are Not Ready To Forgive Him For What He Did

No matter how many times you sleep with him, it’s not going to erase the resentment you have yet work out as not enough time has gone by to properly heal.

2. You May be Answering a Deep Need To Be Loved and Appreciated.

You feel unloved and hope you can win him over. Except your ex boyfriend has other designs.  He just wants your body because its been awhile since he has had sex with you.

3. You and Your Ex Decided Having Sex Would Solve All Your Problems.

So with lust leading the way, you jump on each other.  But once the sex is over and the hormones have leveled off, you are both still left with issues that neither of you are ready to budge on.

4. You Believed Him When He Said He Was Sorry For Cheating On You.

Now something inside you wants to reclaim him sexually.  So you both sleep together, trying to cement a new understanding.  But later you realize that you are not over his betrayal and you still cannot bring yourself to trust him.

5. You Gave In To Impulse and Got Drawn In

You start having sex with your ex boyfriend, then in the middle of it you realize you have made a huge mistake and that he is no closer to changing his behavior and no amount of sex is going to change that.  So you stop and pull away and he gets mad and back you both are at square one.

Frequently Asked Questions About Doing It With Your Ex Boyfriend!

reflecting on situation

1. How do I get my ex boyfriend to want to sleep with me again?

Don’t be in such a hurry to hook up with your ex, particularly if the breakup is still fresh in your minds.  It is not unusual for things to go that direction, but know that more often than not, it is a mistake to think that making love will solve your troubles.  Temporarily it will make you feel all the things you want to feel.  Your ex will say all the things you want to hear.  But he is probably more driven  to have sex with you for the sake of the pleasure and you are likely driven to have an emotional connection.  These two opposing core needs will eventually clash.

2. Why does my ex boyfriend still want to sleep with me.  He makes a big deal about it like we can’t let that part of our relationship go or it all collapses.

Well, it sounds like he cares less about your needs for a long term commitment and more about just satisfying his carnal desires.  I would push back on his insistence that you have to give yourself up just to be in the running for a future relationship.  Sounds like a big con job by your ex.

  3. I slept with my ex and now I am confused and regret it.  What if he wants to do it again?

OK, so the past is behind you.  Just process what you have learned.  Ask yourself why your regret giving in and sleeping with him.  And as you do this forgive yourself because you, like all of us, are only human and are driven by emotional and sexual needs.  If the problems that caused the breakup have not been addressed, then doing it again with your ex boyfriend is probably not constructive.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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4. My ex is unbelievably deceitful.  He cheated on me twice.  I cheated on him.  We are a messed up couple.  I am still sleeping with him but he has a girlfriend.  Or does that make me a stupid ex girlfriend?

Never call yourself stupid or put yourself down.  We all make mistakes and  your job is to learn from them and take those learnings and apply them to future relationships.  It sounds like your relationship with him is nearing the point where it is toxic and unhealthy.  You should pull back and think about the twists and turns your life has taken and what you really want for the future.

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8 thoughts on “When Is It OK To Sleep With Your Ex Boyfriend”

  1. Victoria

    March 23, 2020 at 12:51 pm

    I broke up with my ex a month ago and I still feel something for him and also trying so hard to forget him but its not working..He called to see me yesterday and we met ,he even told me he was in a new relationship now and I was not too happy with that because I am finding it hard to heal…so one thing led to another we got talking and before you know it we had sex and I have not been myself since then…..

  2. Alexa

    October 27, 2019 at 2:42 pm

    Had our first meet up after 20days no contact and 1+month after he broke up. Things went really well and it just felt like before (talking about mutual interests, laughing and having fun). He walked me back to my place and when reaching the door asked if he could come in. I was surprised he asked. I paused and looked unsure but said “hm… yes why not” as it didn’t feel wrong. We had a great time chilling/talking and I felt hed missed the intimacy and closeness. Ended up making out in the morning and he headed back to his (we live close to each other).

    First felt like I shouldn’t have given in and started spiralling into my dark emotions/thoughts. But now I got more clarity. I think we both had a great time. I am going back into no contact and next time he reaches out, I’ll be ready to take things slowly while staying focused and preserving the life I’ve started to built without him (career change etc).

    Overall I feel positive about it. It gave me a confidence boost and as you mentioned in the article, this might be the onset of a new beginning (even though I’m not gonna rush anything.) For the record, he wasn’t sure about the breakup when it happened. The way I see it is he’s 2 years younger and maybe felt distracted by a relationship he didn’t have time to invest in (he wants to focus on his music making).

  3. LM

    September 26, 2019 at 7:11 pm

    Ex BF wassexting with other women during the last couple months of our relationship not doing well/dwindling down to breaking up. However – we had decided to try again but then his sexting was brought to light by the women looked me up on FB and both messaged me screen shots.) He didn’t physically cheat but this counts as cheating for me. He wants to work on our relationship and fix things and has been trying to communicate with me nonstop. I feel betrayed and don’t and hadn’t responded. It’s so unlike me but I all of a sudden just wanted to see him, contacted him and told him bluntly i didn’t want to get back together but I wanted to be with him tonight. He said he wanted me as his gf and could he think about it and I demanded a yes or no. I spent the night. We went out to dinner. We did talk about things. We made love. He wants to be together. I don’t know why I did this or what I want. Advice?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 26, 2019 at 8:08 pm

      Hi LM, I’m not fully sure why you felt you wanted to do this, it could be some sort of seeking validation that he still wanted you sexually?

      If you explain to him that you feel that he as emotionally cheated on you, and you just need some head space to deal with what he has done to your relationship he should be able to respect that enough for you to get over the initial shock and hurt of what hes done and decide if you can trust him and begin a new relationship with him where he is going to have to build your trust up.

  4. River

    January 14, 2019 at 8:09 am

    My ex kicked me out but she let me stay for 2 days and both days we had sex and then she finished kicking me out and became very angry with me then she was all sweet and loving and i just dont understand it.. last few days she’s been play mind games with me she acts like she cares then she doesnt..She wants we to text her then she acts if she doesn’t wanna talk to me then i leave her be then she’s right back to texting me like nothing wrong.. What do i DO

    1. Chris Seiter

      January 15, 2019 at 4:33 am

      So hot and cold reactions from an ex is not unusual. If that trend continues, it may be best to change tactics. I get into all that in Program.

  5. Lisa

    November 9, 2018 at 5:59 am

    My ex told me to come round so we could sort our problems out and I did and we did speak about it and he told me he missed me and we cuddled and had sex. We kissed each other goodbye and when I went home our text were just not the same. He would give slow and short answer and today he didn’t even text me at all and I didn’t bother either. I am sure we are back together that’s what we said but now I’m confused and thinking it was all an act…

    1. Chris Seiter

      November 10, 2018 at 2:14 am

      Hi Lisa…maybe best to pull back for a while.