Hey Taylor, well, thank you so much for taking the time to leave that message. I really actually do appreciate it and I also wanted to congratulate you on actually getting through the no contact rule. I know it seems sort of like things aren’t going your way but believe getting through the no contact rule just means everything from this point on actually might get a little bit easier. Ok, so, if you’re not familiar with how the format of the show works, basically, when I’m not doing interviews with clients or interviews with experts, I’m actually answering question in a indepth manner and what I look to do is after I’ve received a question, I like to go and kind of recap it, just in case you’ve skipped it or maybe couldn’t understand the person. So, the person leaving the question, her name is Taylor and she completed the no contact rule, which was around 30 days. So, right now, she’s on day 5 of texting him. So, that’s an important number, day 5. So, she did the first contact text and she did a lot of other different text. She wanted to do the funny text everything I’d recommend essentially in exboyfriend recovery pro which is my product or book. Things seem to be going really, really well between the two of them. He was responding, she was responding, it seems like conversation was going well but she jumped the gun a little bit and a got a little bit too far ahead of herself and asked him to hang out with her a little too soon. Of course he denied her, and now she’s pretty much confused on what to do going forward. She doesn’t know what to do. She’s wondering if she should jump back into the no contact rule and that’s actually where I’d like to start with you Taylor. Really, really interesting thing that I’ve noticed especially since I’ve been working so closely now with a lot of women in our private support group, I get to really understand better than I used to, the emotions that people go through when they go through this no contact period and one thing that I’ve noticed is that a lot wormen hate it at the beginning, they hate it and then somewhere about midway through the no contact rule, so maybe around day 15 something shifts.
Their perception of the no contact rule shifts and they actually start enjoying it. They start to look at how positive of an impact it’s having on their life and by the end of the no contact rule, they don’t even want to contact their ex. I know it’s a really weird thing because at the beginning of the no contact rule that’s all they wanted to do but at the end of the no contact rule, I often hear women saying, “Should I end it? Should I extend it? Maybe I need some more time?” And let’s take it a step further now. So, let’s assume that that was kind of you. You were kind of enjoying the no contact rule and inevitably knew that you had to text your ex so, you were smart and did that. Things seemed to be going really well but in the back of your mind, you’re sitting and wondering, “Well, if things go wrong again, maybe I can just jump back into the no contact rule, and I can kind of service this reset button.” And that’s not necessarily the case. You can’t always fall in love with the no contact rule. So, the no contact rule, it’s got a lot of different functions. The main function is essentially what everyone points to, is to actually make your ex miss you but I’m actually bigger fan of the idea that this no contact period is this moment in time where you can actually truly reflect on what you want. if you want this relationship with this individual or if you want to simply focus in yourself. It’s a way to maybe put so much of the energy off of him and put it more on to you. I’m kind of a big fan of that and I’ve seen actually better results from women who have looked at the no contact rule in that way.
But the other function that it serves, is essentially it’s a reset button. You can kind of hit the reset button to start over. So, you’re not kind of starting from the point where you broke up. You’re starting from a new point. Hopefully, a better point and one thing that you have to be careful of though is constantly hitting the reset button. I have noticed through my time and experience is that the no contact rule, every time you fail it and try it over again or every time you start it over again after things aren’t maybe going well with texing, it looses a little bit of it’s effectiveness. So, that reset button doesn’t necessarily take you in a postive place, it kind of takes you in a little bit of a worse place. It doesn’t mean that the no contact rule can’t work for you if you try it over again but what it does mean is that it will be less effective going forward. So, one thing that you really have to safe guard is constantly getting into this idea of, “Ok, if things go wrong, I’ll just always jump back into the no contact rule.” Because a lot of times, getting back with an exboyfriend is simply a function of building up enough momentum. So, becoming such a force that he convinces himself that he needs to lock him down and he needs to commit to you. Now, let’s really look at what happened here. So, I’m a really big believer in this idea of this value chain.
So, after the no contact rule, the first thing that you want to do or the worst thing they could potentially do is ask your ex out on a date which essentially isn’t exactly what you did Taylor but it is close to what you did. So, you said you’re in day 5 of texting him which I’m assuming, right around day 3 or 4 is when you ask him out in person. Now, I’ve actually put implementation or put steps in place to kind of improve the odds and stack the odds in your favor, so that when you do suggest to hang out of if he doesn’t suggest at first, if you do suggest a hang out, he’s more likely to say, but it’s important to move up this value chain. This idea of moving from no contact, to text messaging from text messaging to phone calls from phone calls to in person interactions from in person interactions to actually commitment to a relationship. That’s the idea of where things have to go and the way I see it, is when you’re actually looking at trying to ask your ex out on a date, it’s a function of attraction. How much attraction, how much does he value you? The first thing I want you to do Taylor is understand why he said no to you.
He said no to you because you simply didn’t build a good enough case for yourself. Here, we’re going to use what I like to call The Megan Fox litmus test. I think I talked about this in the previous podcast that I did. Sorry, I’ve been doing too many Facebook lives on the private support group. I think I talked a little bit about this previous podcast episode but basically the way this works is let’s pretend that Megan Fox or someone who you deem very, very beautiful and that you know your ex finds very attractive asks your ex out on a date. Would he say yes or no? Something tells me he would probably say yes to her and yet he says no to you. It’s simple a function of he values Megan Fox more than he values you. So, you haven’t build up enough attraction to get into that valued level where he’s willing to take his time and see you. Ok, so let’s talk about what to do now. So, you’re in a really tough position because you feel rejected and you kind of don’t know what to do and your first reaction is interesting. It was to jump back into the no contact rule which I’m actually going to suggest you don’t do that. I’m going to tell you why because I think you can simply just act like you’re hang out thing never happened and just sort of start over from the beginning of this mini little value chain during texting.
So, one of the things that I’ve been doing a lot lately is handing the microphone to actually members of our support group so they can write articles on exboyfriend recovery. Since the way I look at it is exboyfriend recovery is a resource for you. It’s here to help you get your ex back or even get over your ex if that’s what you want and sometimes just having me stand up and be kind of the voice and stand and talk about “Oh, you should do this, this and this.” It can only be so beneficial. Sometimes, it’s a really great idea to get someone else involved. Someone who’s actually going through things with you so you can understand their perspective. Someone who’s actually gotten their ex back. So, you can understand what they did. I was lucky enough, one of the people who got their exes back on our private support group, I was lucky enough to work a deal out with them where they will actually write articles for us about 6 to 8 per month which is really great. It’s really interesting hearing from someone who’s gotten their ex back because it feels like they what they’re doing a little bit more so than the people who haven’t gotten their back that write articles. Nevertheless, the particular person that I’m talking about here, she came up with this really, really interesting way of looking at text conversations or just conversations in general.
She calls it the four separate levels of conversation. I think it’s really great for you Taylor to listen in on this because this is sort of where you went wrong. So, the idea of when I say you need to build attraction over text, it’s not so much
of building attraction or saying the right thing or looking hot all the time. It’s really about connecting. You have to connect with you ex and there’s a lot of different ways that you can do that but the worst way to try to connect with someone and I’ll just give you an example. Let’s say Taylor that you and I were on a date, let’s say I wasn’t married for the sake of this particular circumstance. You and I are on a date Taylor and I’m sitting across the room. It’s our first date, we’re sitting across the room in restaurant together at a table. Ok, so, we’re at this restaurant and let’s say that I’m really interested in you. Now, the number 1 that I could do to completely freak you out, is sit down at this table and say, grab you by the hand, look you in the eye and say, “Will you marry me?” pull out a ring. Something tells me you would say no. Why? Because you haven’t even connected with me yet. You haven’t put any time. You don’t even know how I am. You don’t know if it’s even worth doing that plus it just says something about my mentality that maybe I’m a little bit unstable and I feel that’s sort of what you did by jumping the gun here. You don’t really take it slow and build up attraction or start connecting with your ex on all this small little levels and get this momentum building. So, that’s where the four separate levels of conversations come into play.
So, the first level of conversation, so the first type of conversations that you’re going to want to have with your ex boyfriend is small talk.Now, small talk basically anyone can talk about–it can be, you can talk about this any topic with a stranger on a bus, a stranger in a shop, a stranger at the bookstore. So, on and so forth. Small talk is pretty simple. It doesn’t have to be anything revolutionary and an idea of a first contact text message is to be interesting, yes but it’s also to have kind of small talk about maybe an interesting story that you stumbled across or an interesting thing that happened to you. Something that’s not threatening and it’s not like you’re sitting there pouring your feelings out necessarily but it’s important to get your ex to connect during this small talk phase. So, this phase isn’t going to last too long. The idea here is once you get him connecting, you move on to the next level of conversation. So, after small talk, after you have kind of gotten small talk out of the way, you start moving into swapping facts. So, level one of the conversation, the very bottom of this ladder is small talk.
Level 2, the one we’re on right now is called swapping facts. Now, we only do this with people that we’re pretty loosely acquainted with and this is sort of the conversation you might have on a first date. You’re telling your potential date facts about yourself. You’re date is telling you facts about her and sort of interesting thing that you’ve done. This is where you really you can start honing on in some of the stories. One thing that I really love is stories. I think pretty much everyone loves stories. So, you can swap a factual story maybe you took during the no contact rule. You took dancing lessons, maybe tell a story about that. So, the more you really do this, the more you tell stories, the more you tell facts about yourself, the more you ex shares facts and it’s really important to get your ex involved. So, as you’re doing small talk with your ex, he needs to do small talk back. As you’re swapping facts with your ex, he needs to be swapping facts right back. So, just connect with him on that level. Once you feel you’ve connected enough, you can move onto the third round of this ladder. That is discussing opinions.
Now, people who only tend to do this with people who they’re familiar with because you know they won’t judge you too harshly. These are like friends basically. So, I would probably discuss my opinions with a friend because I know they’re not going to outright disown me. For the sake of argument and I’m trying my hardest not to say this because I don’t want to offend anyone. So, I’m going to try something better but I think if opinions are out there, let’s say–and I’m not saying it whether I’m for or against but I’ll just leave it that. Let’s say that I hated Donald trump, who’s the President right now of the United States. Well, I’m not going to tell someone who I just met that I hated Donald trump, I’m going to tell my friends, who I know aren’t going to be judging me too harshly. So, after you’ve done the small talk with your ex, after you’ve connected through small talk, after you’ve connected through swapping facts, you want to move to discussing your opinions and make sure that engages. It’s really important to make sure that he engages as well because that’s your little litmus test to see how connected he is into the conversation because if you’re the only one bringing up the small talk, if you’re the only one swapping any facts with him, if you’re the only one discussing your opinions, he’s not going to be very connected. He needs to be connected. For your opinion, he needs to either agree with it or share another one of his and the more you can do this, the more you’re going to connect but I will tell you generally speaking, people are going to connect better if your facts, if your small talk align with things that they’re interested in. So, I forgot the famous words or the famous phrase but there’s this movie called HI fidelity. It’s got Jon Cussack in it. Basiclaly, he’s talking about-he’s this guy. He’s kind of a weird guy honestly in this movie but he’s like obssessed with records, with vinyl records and music and everything and he’s talking to his friend about how he actually slept with this girl and what he had to do and he said, “Really it’s not about what’s you’re like. It’s about what they like.” Basically I totally said that wrong. I’ll have to look that up later. I butchered that. But essentially the idea is the more alike the two of you are, the more attracted you become to each other. That’s kind of a weird thing but I actually found that to be true in my own life and a lot of lives of other people who I’ve coached and helped. So, that is level 3. So, once you feel that you’ve sort of connected on discussing opinions, you can move up to the 4th rung of the ladder and that is sharing feelings.
Now, this is usually reserved to only for family members and romantic partner. Now, I don’t think I have to go too much into details here because feelings are pretty simple. This is you tell someone you miss them. This is where you tell someone that you love them. They’re generally saying that it might be a little too soon. Usually you want to wait for an in person interaction to have this sharing feelings type thing. Let’s kind of put a quick timeline on this 4 levels of conversations. So, if somehow you’ve fallen asleep listening to me and you’re listening to me to sleep well, shame on you. You should be listening to me first off. But uhm let’s do a quick recap of this 4 levels of conversations. So first off we have, small talk and then we have swapping facts and then we have discussing opinions and then finally we have sharing feelings. Now, it’s easy to understand the conversation aspect. The big picture of you but when does this stuff supposed to happen? Generally in a perfect world, I would do small talk and swapping facts through text messages and then I will do small talk, swapping facts and discussing opinions over the phone. So, after I’ve connected with an ex on small talk and after I’ve connected with them on swapping facts, I would try to move things into a phone conversation. Then on the phone, I would mix up small talk, swapping facts, and discussing opinions. So, once you have really connected there, you can actually slowly start sprinkling in some feelings but that’s when you’re going to want to move in for the kill and ask for that date because you’re stacking the odds in your favor because if they committed this much time to you, if you’re kind of connecting this much and it’s going well, he’s going well, he’s going to say yes to hand up and then finally in that person interaction is where you can start bringing up all four of this levels of conversation.
So, essentially what you didn’t do correctly Taylor was you probably only did small talk and you probably did very little of swapping facts before you immediately moved on to asking him for a date. So, you really didn’t connect with him much at all but that is something you can actually start over and start doing. So, that’s sort of your game plan. Make sure you do small talk, swapping facts, discussing opinions and sharing opinions and sharing feelings and I want to point out, I cannot take credit for this idea. This was Tia, who’s a part of our private support group and writes articles for us. This was her brain child and I actually liked it so much that I’m actually incorporating it in to my own advice to people. So, that is going to do it for this great episode of the exboyfriend recovery podcast. If you’re enjoying this episodes, if you want to learn more, if you want to hear more, I highly suggest that you go to iTunes and leave us an honest rating and review. I know it sounds like I’m pitching that every 5 minutes and I am but it’s really important that we get those ratings and reviews in. Even if you hate me, just tell me about it. Let me know. If you’re really enjoying this and you want to get constant feedback, constant attention, I’m a lost for words here but if you want to get notified anytime a new episode comes out and believe me, I’m filming this like crazy. I’m recording this like crazy. So, they’re going to be coming out en masse very soon. Go ahead and subscribe in our iTunes page for exboyfriend recovery podcast. If you don’t know how to get to the iTunes page, it’s really simple. Just go to iTunes app on your phone and type exboyfriend recovery and our podcast should pop right up. And then all you got to do is subscribe and after you subscribe well hey, then you’re going to be getting updates from me and listening to me ramble on about how to get your ex back. So, yeah, like I said, that’s going to do it for this episode of the exboyfriend recovery podcast. Like always, it was a pleasure.