By Chris Seiter

Published on May 30th, 2021

The key to getting an ex back isn’t just knowing the perfect things to say or do;

It’s about achieving the right mindset.

Today we’re going to talk about exactly what mindset you need to succeed at getting an ex back and how to get there.

A lot of people see me as the guy who has the keys to getting their exes back, but the truth is when you actually talk to people who have succeeded in getting their ex back, it all boils down to two clear concepts:

  1. Enacting the correct tactics and strategies for getting your ex back
  2. Having the correct mindset to successfully implement those tactics and strategies.

The problem with the breakup niche is that no one cares about the mindset; they only focus on the specific tactics and strategies revolving around getting back together with an ex. However, when you actually interview success stories, each one of them used a unique set of tactics and strategies to get their exes back.

No two situations are alike, and there’s no perfect one-size-fits-all strategy to get an ex back; however, one common thread across all success stories is they all have the same mindset.

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What Is the Correct Mindset for Getting an Ex Back?

Almost all of the ex recovery success stories we interviewed had outgrown their ex at some point after the breakup.

We like to take it a step further:

Your mindset should be to outgrow your ex before you actually talk to them.

Your ex needs to see a visible shift in your tone or personality when they reconnect with you, or else they’ll just think you’re the same person they broke up with.

This mindset isn’t something you can fake either. It’s much more complicated than telling yourself you’re over your ex and ready to talk to them.

One of the biggest errors I made early on in my career was telling people to fake it until they make it.

The problem with this is that your ex probably knows you way too well, so they can tell if you’re genuinely over them or just faking it. So they won’t want to engage with you if they can tell you’re putting on an inauthentic show.

You can’t implement any ex recovery tactics and strategies if your ex sees through your façade.

How Do You Outgrow Someone You Can’t Stop Thinking About?

The only way to outgrow your ex is to no longer let them be your first priority. Now I know that’s easier said than done, so let’s talk about why it’s so hard to outgrow your ex (obsessive ex trap) and how you can actually achieve it (magnum opus).

What Is The Obsessive Ex Trap?

Pretty much everyone who goes through a breakup will have experienced what I like to call the obsessive ex trap – basically, they fall into this trap where they cannot stop thinking about their ex.

Every street corner, song on the radio, and old shared activity reminds them of their ex, and they just can’t help it.

This kind of obsessive thinking makes it extremely hard to get over the breakup.

Science has even taught us that many people going through a breakup experience the same withdrawals as drug addicts coming off a hard drug.

No one can avoid this level of obsessive thinking, so the real key is not to stop thinking about your ex but to start thinking about them in a different way – outgrowing them. Your magnum opus can help you achieve just that.

Magnum Opus Concept

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Your magnum opus is the thing you want to be remembered for when you die.

Do you want to be remembered for your failed relationship with your ex? Probably not. You are destined for greater things, so why not focus your efforts and energy on your magnum opus instead of your ex?

This leads us to some pretty big philosophical questions:

How do you know what is the right thing to focus on to outgrow your ex? How do you know what’s your magnum opus? For that, I think we need to look at an even bigger question…

What is the meaning of life?

I’m not going to sit here and say I’m 100% sure I know the meaning of life, but here’s what it means to me:

The meaning of life is to give life meaning.

Life doesn’t necessarily have a set meaning for everyone out there because we’re all so different. People assign values to different items in their life and invest in those to give their life more meaning.

Here are the three core categories that people use to give meaning throughout their lives:

Connections with others

Connections with others include romance (like your connection with your ex), friendship such as making new friends, or familial connections as your love for your family. All these meaningful relationships help us forge connections that give meaning to our lives. But what happens if you only hyperfocus on one kind of connection – your relationship with your ex?

You’re not only ignoring the other two categories that give life meaning, but you’re also ignoring all the other relationships in your life. That’s not healthy and gets you no closer to your magnum opus.


This involves learning about the world and making sense of the complexity of our lives.

Sometimes we can find meaning through knowledge. No one really talks about knowledge, but I’m sure we can all relate to that ecstatic feeling when we learn something new or acquire a new skill.


Service kind of encompasses many different things that involve serving other people in some way by improving their lives. The most obvious example is probably medical professionals, but service as a life purpose also extends to art.

Think about it, have you ever gone to the movies and experienced something bigger than yourself for a few hours? Ever been entranced by great music? Ever had a mouth-watering meal that you still remember?

Everyone, including actors, chefs, tattoo artists, teachers, etc., tries to improve our lives or teach us something new.

Here’s my point: People who obsess over their ex only focus on one category that can help give their life meaning. I can guarantee you that you don’t want to look back on life and be remembered for your relationship with your ex.

You want to leave a legacy behind, something that you’re remembered for.

Elon Musk has the space program and the Tesla cars.

Bill Gates has Microsoft.

Steve Jobs has Apple.

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What Is Your Magnum Opus?

Don’t worry; you don’t have to reinvent the wheel like these guys to have a magnum opus.

You’re doing well as long as your magnum opus is larger than your relationship with your ex.

Once you identify your magnum opus by looking at the areas of your life that give you meaning, it will give insight into what you should be spending your time on to help you outgrow your ex.

You need to identify and focus on your magnum opus before you consider even speaking to your ex again. This is important because focusing on something other than your ex will inevitably make you much more attractive to everyone around you (including your ex), giving you an advantage when you talk to him again.

As far as my magnum opus goes, I personally want to write a novel. To me, that’s art and service. It’s no mistake that I’d choose service for my magnum opus since I chose a service-oriented job where I help people go through breakups.

But there’s also more to me than just this aspect of my life. I have my friends, my family, and my insatiable desire to learn about the world. All of those things help give my life meaning and helps so I don’t hyper-focus on one thing too much.

You need to get to that level before you talk to your ex because I can guarantee you that the types of conversations you have when you’ve outgrown your ex will be monumentally better than those when you’re hyper focused on getting them back.


The most critical mindset to get an ex back is outgrowing them before you talk to them again.

  • All of our success stories can attest to the fact that their exes were automatically drawn to them after they stopped caring whether they got them back or not.
  • Outgrowing your ex is no easy task, though, because everyone goes through the obsessive ex trap after a breakup where they can’t stop thinking about their ex no matter what!
  • The point isn’t to stop thinking about your ex (because that’s almost impossible) but to change the way you think about them.
  • A great way to divert your attention from your ex is by focusing on your magnum opus – what you want to be remembered for.
  • Your magnum opus can revolve around personal connections, understanding and learning about the world, and service for other people.

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1 thought on “This Mindset Can Help You Get Your Ex Back”

  1. Abby

    July 19, 2021 at 3:50 am

    I found this extremely helpful as I’m trying to get over my ex myself but In reality I did push him away and told him I could get better hurt him so very badly I’ve realised I needed to hear this thank you so much