The No Contact Rule: A Powerful Strategy That Works On Your Ex

6,800 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”

Becci

February 23, 2016 at 6:52 pm

Hello, I work with my ex of 1 year. He broke up with me. His reason was that he thought we were different people and thought I liked him more than he liked me. I feel like this wasn’t the really reason but it’s what he gave me so I don’t have anything else to go on.
I have been trying to do no contact rule but it’s hard working with him. I can’t just ignore him when he comes over to speak me, sometimes not even regarding work. Although I want to just cut him out for the 30 days
Is there any advice on how to successfully complete the no contact rule?
Do you think with his reasonings of the break up. It is worth trying to get him back?
Thank you.

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 24, 2016 at 10:25 am

Becci,

right now, what he said seems true if you’re the one wanting him back.. that also means you’re putting too much attention on him…

Nc can still be implemented whike at work.. You only talk about work of he really needed, don’t initiate a conversation, of he talks to you jits give him short sweet direct replies.. improve yourself and distance yourself as much as you can

Johny

February 23, 2016 at 6:20 pm

Hi, I and my girlfriend broke up week ago. I was mean to her in dispute, so she toke all her clothes and moved to her mother. She said, she need space to both of us see our mistakes(sometimes I was realy mean to her, because she I my opinion was to cold to me), and she will come back when I will move in my new flath, where I will move in after month. So after day she went to party, and I was needy and begging her to stay home. So on the day, when she had the party, I started no contact rule. I did it for 3 days, when she asked her remaining staff back. I gave all the bags, we smoke cigarete and looked each other and make hug. So later, I found other other her stuff, and bringed it to her, and said – “That I did was the worst thing to do to her , and Im sorry for that. That what we have together is worth investing. You can say tree things what you want from me and lets look if that doesnt work, then we can broke up” She said, that she want to get all anger off, and she needs time for it and she dont want to be back together right now. I said its ok with me and went home. So I need to start NC rule again or what? Do I have any chances?

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 24, 2016 at 10:10 am

Hi Johnny,

yes you need to start nc rule again.. I think it’s he move to make to have a rest and and also to work on your communication after nc..

Margo

February 22, 2016 at 11:04 pm

I’m on day 25 of no contact and my ex sent me a txt saying he hopes I’m okay and he’s there if I need anything. I’ve been focusing on myself during the NC period and I feel great about myself but I realized even though I do want him back, I’m actually very angry with him. I’m angry because he broke up with me after 7 months and I understand that he’s young and he’s not sure what he wants yet BUT I took a step further back and realized I was just a rebound gf. We had great chemistry and had so much in common but even so I guess he just did want the full commitment and only wanted the feeling of love. The last time we talked (via txt) he told me he cared about me and didn’t want to cause me sadness so he told me he couldn’t be my friend. He literally pushed ME away. And now he’s txting me that he’ll be there for anything if I need him. I feel really angry and I’m guessing that’s his way of “asking forgivness” maybe but I don’t know what to do. Does the Texting Bible say anything about what to txt if I’m the one who’s angry? I haven’t replied yet because I’m not sure if I should continue the last 5 days of NC and I want to calm down first before I txt the wrong thing and screw it up. What’s your advice?

Margo

February 24, 2016 at 1:34 am

he didn’t* want the full commitment
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 24, 2016 at 4:55 am

Hi Margo,

it’s bettwr of you calm down first… nothing good comes out of anger

Katie

February 22, 2016 at 4:50 pm

Hi, we just broke up, and it’s been a long time coming. I’m confident the reason we broke up is he feels he needs space to sort out his life, and I was being needy (which then became a cycle).

Anyway, breakup went relatively well – he says he wants me to stay in contact with him, and we may be able to look at things in the future. He said he wants to be alone while he gets his head clear.

Questions..
1. Should I still use NC, I’m pretty sure he will contact me first with random txts. Will me ignoring him make him think I don’t want to try again in the future?
2. Does he actually want to try again later, or is he just saying that to soften the blow of the breakup?

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 23, 2016 at 1:36 pm

Hi Katie,

If you can get him back even without nc then good.. but if you know he won’t be back with you during the 30 days after breakup, then it’s better to just do nc, so he will miss yoi

30

February 22, 2016 at 9:12 am

hi 🙂 my ex cheated on me and i broke up with him and when he asked me to forgive him i told him that we will never get bac
ck together ( i was very angry )but i love hi m very much and i want him bach but now he is in a relation with that girl ..he said he loves me but he he said he cant break up with her ..do u think i have a chance of getting him back ?
30

February 22, 2016 at 9:06 am

hii 🙂 my ex cheated on me and i broke up with him and when he asked me to forgive him i told him that we will never get bacck togrther cuz i was very angry but i love hi m veryb much and i want him bach but now he is in a realtionship with that girl ..he said he loves me but he he said he cant break up with her ..do u think i have a chance of geting him back ?
30

February 22, 2016 at 8:59 am

hi :)…my ex cheated on me and i breoke up with him and asked me to forgive him but he chated on me befor this so i was mad and told him that we will never get back together now he is in relation with that girl and he saied he loves me but he doesnt want to break up with her ..do u think i have achance of getting him back :(??

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 23, 2016 at 11:13 am

Hi 30,

the more imprtant question is, do you mean you’re willing yo share him with her?

Elise

February 22, 2016 at 2:35 am

🙁 I don’t want it to come to that. I asked him yesterday if he thought of winning her back he answered, “it’s no use.” He changed his gmail passwordm. That’s my only source to know if he and his ex are chatting over Facebook. Should I still pursue the NC rule? He is answering my messages but our conversation are all about food and movies. I don’t want to go all out emotional again and go to touchy subjects.
Josh

February 21, 2016 at 4:55 pm

I’ve been in a rocky back and forth relationship for 5 years. I love my girlfriend a lot but she recently moved out now we’re trying to work on things. She’s recently went back home to Florida to help out her sick father. She’s been there a month but she told me she ran into her first love a few days ago. She never was honest in our relationship so I respect the honesty but now she said she doesn’t know if she wants to come back or work out things. When she talk to her first love at the store she found out he was seeing someone but nothing serious. I was devastated to learn this. We have talked and texted but she still says she doesn’t know what she wants to do. I understand She misses being back home with all her family and friends. She moved to a small town in NC just for me. She says she lost herself being with me. I told her I would move to her hometown. Please help I’m so confused. Should I just break up with her? We never went a whole 30 days with no contact. Should I do NC? I’m scared I would lose her being that she saw her first love again.

Josh

February 22, 2016 at 8:08 pm

I told her I would move out there. She was looking up apartments then she stopped. She recently told me she doesn’t know what she wants. She feels she lost herself. In the relationship she’s about making me happy not herself. I don’t know how to take this if she wants to break up or she giving me mixed signals since she been away. She’s told me this before when she moved out but never when we live together. Should I do the 21 or 30 day NC?
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 23, 2016 at 2:00 pm

For me, you should do 30.
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 22, 2016 at 11:21 am

Hi Josh,

Is she willing to work it out if you move there?

Kayla

February 20, 2016 at 4:36 pm

Hi, I would love some advice please.

My boyfriend broke up with me about a month ago and we’ve slept together 3/4 times since then, everytime this happens he tells me how much he regrets it and how bad it makes him feel about him self.
I’ve tried NC 2 times but we have a dog together and are sharing him (I have him weekends he has him weekdays)
I have also made the mistake of asking him to get back with me or to go on a date with me and see how things go a few times

Is it too late for me to start No Contact and for it to be effective? I love this boy and know we can be good together but he has trouble communicating what he wants which is why we broke up in the first place as he’d be frustrated when I did things or if we hung out too much but he could never just tell me that to my face so he just started getting over me and checked out emotionally from our relationship

Please let me know if you honestly believe I have a chance

Thanks,
Kayla

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 21, 2016 at 10:07 am

Hi Kayla,

it’s fine even if you have a dog, you can still do nc.. that means you only meet if he or you gets the dog.. No small talk, no asking about feelings or the relationahip.. If you’re going to talk, it has to be about the dog only..

Sarah

February 20, 2016 at 12:45 pm

My situation is a bit different than a lot of the posts here because we didn’t fight at all. We were seeing each other for about 6 months and it was wonderful. He was very caring and loving through our relationship. Then one day after a lovely weekend together he phoned and said he didn’t love me and wasn’t attracted to me. I was in shock so tried to reason with him for a couple weeks with the result of pushing him away a bit.
A bit of background though, he had just left a relationship of 10 years, half of which was not intimate. He had a lot of resentment with his ex although they remained friends for the sake of the children. Also, she left him, which he resented even though he was happy to be out of the relationship.
After a month of not seeing him and contacting him a bit less, we agreed to see each other to exchange some stuff he’d left at my house.
He came over and we chatted for a while and then he told me he still loved me and misses me and I am the right person but the wrong time. When he got home he said he was surprised he felt like he did but he needs to be alone. I think he realised that it was more to do with his ex than me.
I’ve now gone 1 week no contact. I really do want to get back together, but not if it leads to him leaving again. Do you think 30 days is enough or should I just wait for him to contact me? Or 60 days? It is my birthday in a couple weeks, what if he contacts me during the NC period? I don’t want to ignore him but I don’t want to break the contact. Thank you!

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 21, 2016 at 5:16 am

Hi Sarah,

maybe he realized he needs to heal first which is good for you because that means he’s not using you to heal.. It’s ok not respond right away.. You can respond to him after nc.. but I can’t assure he will be done with his process after nc.. but atleast you’re going to give him time for himself and time to miss you too.. He’ll most likely think you’re just respecting what he wants

Jessica

February 20, 2016 at 3:07 am

Hey! What if I’ve already completed 30 days but I still feel a little “crazy” and I still think about him very often? I mean… I’ve been going out and I’ve even been on a date and I’ve been focussing on my friends and my career a lot, which is great… but I still have those days in which all I can do is think about him and talk about him so I don’t know. Should I give it more time?

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 20, 2016 at 10:28 am

Hi Jessica,

I think that’s just normal.. 30 days won’t actually make you forget but it will help gwt balance

Elise

February 19, 2016 at 6:01 pm

Hi. I’ve been reading your sections on how to get my ex back. They are all so informative and I am planning to do the NC and ungettable next month. The thing is I don’t know if these are going to work on him. He broke up with me on the first week of this month saying he doesn’t see a future with me. Or with any other woman for that matter. He sees himself alone for the rest of his life. Now he and O are still in contact but his replies were somewhat cold. I asked him about it and he said he is just stressed at work. I also want to add that this is not the first time that this situation happened. He said that he lost all his feelings for me. Which was the same reason for his previous break up. Even to this day, I don’t understand his reason nor him. Since he completely lost thosw loving feelings for me, do you think NC will make him miss me or realize that he made a mistake? His dad told me to let him be because his son will soon realize that he means a lot to me. I see him as an immune candidate for all these tips and tricks.

Elise

February 20, 2016 at 4:02 pm

May I add that he was in contact with his ex while he and I are on the rocks. I end up hacking his Facebook a long time ago and saw that they’ve been friends since September. I told him before not to contact her but he end up doing it. I confronted him about these days after our break up and I wanted to to accused him of lyin i asked him “should I take your reason seriously or you are sayinh you can’t be happy because you met someone else?” I even asked him if he is dating his ex he said no. He told me the reason that they’ve been talking is he was asking for her advice and since she had the same situation as mine. I did read in their conversation that the ex is convincing him not to break up with me and talk some sense into him. He told me “look, what we had…they are all in the past.” They hardly have any contact for weeks now but I saw a notification in his gmail that they’ve been talking the day after our break up. And I just saw his mail again and she has a message for him. My guess is he was the one who initiated the conversation. Another thing is he told her that he and I were over. That was in January30 and I didn’t even know about that. He blocked my number during that time and seeing their conversations together made me angry because he sounded happy and would sometimes be the one to messager her first. My friend’s theorizes that he is somehow trying to win her back but she refused.
His friends also said that he’s always been like that. I also read a message from his friend who was joking at him asking if he is already married. He saif no the proceeded to ask that friend if he has a date this Valentines. That friend said maybe then ask him, “what about you?” He said “we broke up” friend: What? Why? Ah, so here we go again. You suddenly lost that loving feeling.
I came to a conclusion that he is really like that. But the thought of him talking to his ex sometimes makes me paranoid. What’s up with that?
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 21, 2016 at 9:53 am

hmmm.. that’s a red flag indeed
Elise

February 20, 2016 at 11:04 am

I end up drunk messaging him last night. He said “don’t drink” and I told him I already did all the while saying sorry over and over again. He did not answer, only he read my message. I asked him if he still wants to talk to me he said yes. My friends tell me that maybe he just wants to focus on his work. He is working non stop including on the weekends since January. I mentioned in my previous post that he was cold to me and he said is just stressed. He even told me that “this will end soon (his stress at work). His birthday’s on April 1st and I was thinking that I will iniate that contact on that day after NC.
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 20, 2016 at 12:09 pm

Oh so, that’s it.. maybe nc can help give him time focus on work for now and miss you
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 20, 2016 at 7:53 am

Hi Elise

to be honest, it’s more likely that he really likes being alone instead of realizing you’re a mistake.. I don’t think he thinks that but there is a chance that he will miss you.. I’m just not sure how he would act on it.

So, aim for reattraction when you do nc, and also think about of this is a phase for him or it’s really his personality

Liz

February 19, 2016 at 1:08 am

Hi, I havent exactly broken up with my boyfriend yet but we are pretty much there. He isn’t responding to my texts or calls, I’m pretty sure he wants to break up with me but just hasn’t had the guts to do it yet. Is it ok to use the NC rule in this case? Is it harsh considering we haven’t officially broken up?

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 19, 2016 at 10:39 am

Hi Lis,

maybe this can help first

How To Prevent A Breakup With Your Boyfriend When You Know It’s Coming

Kitty

February 18, 2016 at 10:07 pm

I cheated on my partner though i really love him so much ( maybe I was so stupid the time I made that mistake or maybe I was overwhelmed by the spark I got from that other guy before but I stopped already that affair ) and now he left me. at the first day of our break up, he was angry to the point that i think he hates me too much and said to me that he will never come back to me nor accept me again nor he cant trust me anymore ( he repeated it as many times as he could ). He said a lot of harsh things which i know is normal and I deserve since it was really my fault. I regret what I did and will do everything to have him back again since I do still love him and since we have a daughter. Its the 5th day after he left me and at times I text him, he still reply to my message though I assume that its only casual unlike the first day that he bombarded me of long harsh text. Is there still any chance that he will come back to me that he will love me again? Is the NC rule still apply even if Im the one who cheated? Thanks. I need some help.

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 19, 2016 at 9:59 am

Hi Kitty,

I think you need to read this first..
EBR 020- How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back If YOU Cheated

Fix Your Relationship If You Cheated On Your Ex Boyfriend Before Its Too Late (Video)

Elizabeth Cl

February 18, 2016 at 8:49 pm

My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years. I found out he was texting a girl from work. It started the day after his 29th birthday. They were only texting for about a week when I found out. I also found out he took her to a 2 hr lunch. Once I confronted him, he said he has been feeling trapped and wants some space. So I gave him some space but it is difficult when we live together. During this time, he went out with friends a lot. After about a week or so things seemed to go back to normal for us. He even asked to spend the whole weekend with me vs his friends. Then the weekend ended and he got another girls number at work. I confronted about that as well and he tells me it was just a friend and she wasnt his type and he did have texts telling her he only wanted something “platonic”. However, I told him that if he was going to continue to text other girls and get their numbers that I would give him space in the means of moving out for a week or so. That obviously scared him because he immediaatly picked up his phone and blocked and deleted those girls….im assuming as a sign of good faith that he would stop and didnt want me to leave. Well it has been 2 weeks since then. Things seemed to have went back to normal. Then I find out yesterday that he was texting the girl he took to lunch again. He says she text him and was just “catching up” but he deleted the texts so I couldnt read them. If they were truly innocent why delete them. I made good on my promise and made arrangements to leave. Before I could tell him i was leaving he came to me and told me he needed space and that I should go. Over the weekend he drank with a mutual friend who told me that his head regarding us is all over the place but that he is certain he wants to be with me forever. I find that hard to believe the way he is reaching out to these girls though. I left today and the plan is to be gone for a week or two which at that time we should discuss what is the next step. I am trying to use the NC rule until this “break” is over but want to know if you think that is best? We have been together 8 years and I understand the need for space at times in that long of a relationship but we have never lived apart. Idk what is going on with him and if I should wait or not. I love him of course and am willing to put in the work but it is so hard to incorporate the NC rule when so much of our lives is intertwined. Do you think he is using this space to just breathe or that he is saying it is a break and moving on?

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 19, 2016 at 9:34 am

Hi Elizabeth,

I don’t want to sound like I’m siding with him.. but I just want to give a different perspective.. what if he hid it because he knew you would be angry but they were just being friendly?
Although I know that’s probably not just being friendly, but just what if?

But other than space, I think wjat rjw relationship needs is variety too. Go out and do new activitiea together and also, by space that means you need it too.. Do something or have other activities by yourself, so you keep growing and be more interesting over time..

But with your situation, I don’t think you have to implement nc immediately..use two weeks as a break.. if he texts reply courteously but make the convo short but of he wants to talk about the relationship, go ahead.. have a calm talk of what you really with him texting other girls and that you understand both of you needs space sometimes but the texting just really makes you uncomfortable because you know he has not been like this in your 8 years..

If you try again, be more understanding, so he won’t hide things from you.. but observe… if he still does it, focus more on yourself while in the relationship while trying to rekindle too.. It’s like trying again but this time, you’re valuing yourself more and letting him prove himself for you.. If after sometime, he still texts other girls..then have a sit down talk again and think about of you would allow this or move on

Ana

February 18, 2016 at 4:15 pm

Hello! I broke up with my boyfriend 3 moths afo, we were dating for 2,5 years. I thought we were ideal couple, just like the whole one person. But he has some ideas about living together, that are different from mine. He thing that a wife is a housekeeper, she has to wash, clean, make a meal, iron clothes. And all that husband has to do is hammer a nail into the wall once a month, carry heavy bags once a week, well you understand. We also fought a lot because he likes bmx, freeski, and he spend all the time doing these hobbies, but not for me. I don’t want the family like this, so we broke up. And now I don’t know what to do. We’re still communicate, he doesn’t want to date with me again, he think that I won’t change myself, that we will still fight. Do I love him or just the thought of him? What I have to do?

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 19, 2016 at 7:45 am

Hi Ana,

the thing is, if you’re going back to him, you have to accept his values because you can only control yourself.. If he doesn’t change are you willing to be his preferred kind of partner?

Anastasia

February 18, 2016 at 3:57 pm

Hi! I’m on day 6 of my no contact with an ex. We’ve been together for 2 months (yes, it’s short, I know), but he’s just not like everybody else. He told me that he doesn’t get into short relationships, that I’m the best one. We talked about future family house (not our, but for each other singly, but it meant it would be ours), about realationship between wife and husband and stuff. He was taking care about me and my health (he’s a traumatologist). We spent alot of time together texting, talking, walking, watching, cuddling. I asked him about he’s ex. He said that she’s in the past already, that they broke up because there was no theme to talk about (they were dating for 3,5 years and broke up 3 months prior to our meeting). Not so long ago I noticed that our conversation was not the same. He would answer my messages couple days later or even don’t. He told me that he was busy at work and had no time. I trusted him and was patient. But 12 of February I asked him what’s wrong. He said that we have to break up without any contacts, friendly or romantic, because he has met his ex (when he has visited his hometown), and he want to start all over again. She doesn’t want the relationships with him, but she agree to communicate, and this weekend she’s going to visit him in our town. He can’t communicate with both of us, so he made a decision, and I’m out. He also said that I was just a “good friend”, but he really told me that we’re the cuple. Do I have any chance to start with him again? What I have to do after my NC? (He was born in april, should I congratulate him? How?) Thank you!

Anastasia

February 20, 2016 at 2:56 pm

Well, after my NC I should go on contact with him, shouldn’t I? Or it will be too much? I’m a mess:((
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 21, 2016 at 5:45 am

Yes, that’s the next step.. Texting phase..
Anastasia

February 19, 2016 at 4:01 pm

What should I say in congratulations? Something common? Or should I use our little special things?
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 20, 2016 at 7:21 am

Sorry, I don’t understand why you would congratulate him?
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 19, 2016 at 7:40 am

Hi Anastacia,

well you have to be careful because it seems like you were the rebound, and if ever they don’t work out, if he comes back to you, you will most likely be the rebound again.. So, take your time of he wants to go back with you, let him prove that you’re not a rebound
Anastasia

February 18, 2016 at 4:00 pm

Also I have to say that I broke up with my 2,5-years-boyfriend just to date with this man. And now I’m left with nothing)

Bebe

February 18, 2016 at 8:53 am

hi
I broke up with my boyfriend last week wednesday.I love him so much and it feels like i have been waiting for him all my life.
He also loves me very much and we have been going out for about 10 months.I am a single mother and the reason why we broke up is that when we talk about long term plans it seems like i would want him to commit and yet he seems afraid to want to promise that he will be able to do so.I wonder if we should have let things flow because besides the 5 yr plan talk we are fine.I started the nc rule,do we need it.Or should i let things flow and see how it goes.do i need nc .

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 18, 2016 at 3:56 pm

Hi Bebe,

I think you need to observe first.. if he contact after this week try again but don’t initiate yet.. wait first for now.. So, you’re like implementing nc if after this week he doesn’t initiate, continue as a 21 days nc..

Katie :)

February 18, 2016 at 2:03 am

So I broke up with my boyfriend the day before Valentine’s Day (because he didn’t have the balls to do it himself). He had told me about a week before that he didn’t think that I would ever break-up with him unless he cheated on me so he had to have been pretty shocked when I broke up with him. He’s been calling me twice every day (because besides email and actual mail that’s the only way he can get in contact with me). I haven’t broken the rule and I see him a whole lot clearer now. He was a jerk and I deserve so much better than him. This 30 challenge is the only thing that’s keeping me from responding though. I don’t want to get back together with him, but I still miss him, but I know that will pass. I can’t wait for it to pass.

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6,800 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”