The No Contact Rule: A Powerful Strategy That Works On Your Ex

6,800 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”

Angie

February 18, 2016 at 12:29 am

Uhm hello.. Sooo i started the NC, today is my second day. He broke up with me becuase he said basically that he was not happy. We have been together for about a year. We moved in together about 6 months ago but I honestly wasn’t ready for it i just did it because he asked me to really. Since then i think i became too dependent on him for really everything but that was because he said a lot that made me believe that i could depend on him for everything. My mistake was making him my world. I shut my friends out and family and only devoted my time to him. He became overwhelmed with the responsibility of having to take care of my every need and worrying about me constantly that I believe thats why he started to feel unhappy. And i dont blame him. I shouldnt have done that. Becuase of that i decided to move back to my apartment about 2 weeks ago, since it seemed like he really needed some breathing space. When he broke up with me he told me he still wanted to be with me but that his mind was so clouded and that he had lost himself. He said he still loved me but he thought that this was what was best for him. He needed to be alone. But its been 3 days since the break up and yesterday he was already texting me telling me he misses me and all the things i did for him. Saying things like if i ever get you back im not letting you go ever again, i love you too damn much. Then also called me last night and left me a voicemail saying i love you goodnight. Also, its probably important to know that we work together so I still have to talk to him there since he is my shift manger. At work today he was acting like we didnt break up and doing all the cute things we used to do. He even asked me if i got his voicemail and i said yes. I didn’t act the same, i was talking to him like we broke up. Of course not being rude, but not acting like i was in a relationship with him. Hes confusing me and actully making me quite angry. He needs to accept the consequences of breaking up with me. We cant do all the cute things we used to do. He said he needed to be alone and thats exactly what im going to give him. So heres my question, should i do the nc for 21 days or for 30? I was set on 21 but I need advice.

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 18, 2016 at 1:25 pm

Hi Angie,

wow, you’re doing good..for me just 21 too..

Nicki

February 17, 2016 at 9:02 pm

Me and my boyfriend were together for about a year and a half, we grew up together and when we finally started off, it went straight to serious, we made plans to move in together, plans for marriage, even kids, we also began trying to make out blended family work with our children from previous relationships, we had a rough patch with an unexpected pregnancy, then there was a miscarriage, he had already been dealing with life obstacles, and that situation stressed him out more, I tried to be supportive but failed miserably due to my own emotional issues with the baby situation, I can admit I was kind of blind to the fact that he was trying even with his hard situations, then we broke up in December, I asked him was it time for us to really break up and he said yes, he was going thru too much and couldn’t focus on me, after that I tried the no contact but failed, ended up checking on him, eventually we got close again FAST, and became intimate, afterwards I found out he went out on a date, which he said was really a date, and nothing happened, shortly after we broke up, I believed him because he’s really not a deceitful person, but my emotions got the best of me after awhile, and we ended having a conversation that ended it again, he told me he’s trying to get his life together for us and he admits hes messing us up in the process and he’s sorry, but at the end of the conversation I asked him does he want me in his life,he responded he’s not ready for a relationship and he doesn’t want me waiting on him, I hung up and told myself I’m never talking to him again, I blocked and unfollowed him on everything, its been 10 days and I’m missing him horribly and wondering if this is just a break or are we done forever, in our last conversation he told me he loved me and kept thanking me for being good to him, but I’m scared I lost him…

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 18, 2016 at 11:53 am

Hi Nicki
He doesn’t want a relationship now but that doesn’t mean you can’t be friends again.. If he’s an honest person then you have to move on.. If you reay want to get back with him, trying now would push him away

Angela

February 16, 2016 at 10:11 pm

I am currently going through NC, actually he told me we needed some time cause he was confused and we parted ways, he was the one who suggested No Contact at all but first he made me promise we would eventually contact each other again and be friends. Because I didn’t see this coming, he asked me how long would this NC last and I was so angry that I told him we shouldn’t ever talk again for at least a year…, well, its been 2 months and we haven’t broken the NC rule, he actually deleted me off FB a week after we talked and the funny thing is that I now have a friend request from his brother. And he also published a profile pic on his FB with a girl a lot younger than him, which I could obviously see because it was public. I can’t help wondering why he broke up with me and whats with his brother’s friend request on FB…

Angela

February 17, 2016 at 5:13 pm

I suppose he wants to spy on my fb so I sent him (my ex) a straight-forward friend request and… cannot see my ex FB profile anymore… HAHA! what? common… its been 2 months of NC, why is he so immature? I guess he doesn’t want to ever see me again and I don’t even know why??
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 18, 2016 at 10:56 am

Did he deactivate it?
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 17, 2016 at 2:08 pm

Hi Angela,

I think it’s time to know why his brother added you

Mediafemme

February 16, 2016 at 2:28 pm

Hi,
Ok ill get straight to d story. I always found this guy attractive but never approched or gave a chance to approch since i heard from his colleagues that he is dating this girl since 2 years. But last december(2015), we had this wedding to attend where we came close to one another by chatting, and he told me he and that girl arent not in talking terms anymore. He said he needs a week to get to know me and so he can decide if he can take a stand for us.
After a week, i actually got emotionally attached to him 🙁 and asked if he has known me completely, cuz i am not here for a casual relation but for a long marriage kind relation..then he said he needs a month to take it d next level.
Since we come from a country where marriage , parents , caste , culture plays a very imp role more than just love between 2 ppl. He kept telling me ” u wont be able to adjust wid my family , u r frm different caste , they will not agree…blah blah
Then on this new years he had gone home. N wen he came bck he was changed in his behavior..d same guy who used to say lets give it time so i can tke a stand for us , now just says i know my parents they will never agree and hence is going further away from me. 🙁
We did have a lilttle physicAl encounter between us , but in limits. But since he has
Whereas that last girl, he had spoken to his parents , his parents arent agreeing for her and in d beginning neither were her parents. Bt till d end his didnt , so he told me she and i def dont have a future.
But what hurts is that he isnt even trying once for us in terms of talking to them..was she worth trying and i am not ? 🙁 and when he knew from the beginning about me everything( different caste, background , etc).. Why did he make a move.
He keeps telling me thesedays dont talk emotionally, sentiment talks. I cant do that.. Be happy , you look good that ways….i am a present kind of a guy… You think too much…
But why wont I , at the end i am girl and not looking for flings…so thought of future bugs me , he cant expect us to act as friends, when emotionally as well as physically we came close.
So the end thjng is ..he doesnt even message on his own. If i do then he does make a conversation, and that hurts.
Is he not wanting to go ahead with me ? He wantz to cut off ?
I really love him and want to spend my life with him only 🙁 please tell me what should I do ? Will this NC work ?

Mediafemme

February 19, 2016 at 4:00 am

So,
What should I do ? 🙁
Forget him .. .?
Because i have developed real feelings for him and i really want him to committ to me 🙁
There is no chance for that to happen ? 🙁
Please help me !
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 19, 2016 at 10:43 am

the truth is for now yes.. because if he knows you’re trying to get him back, he will just avoid you..
Mediafemme

February 18, 2016 at 8:16 am

Hi again,

No no i have liked him since last september. But we got close sincd last december ( from the common friend’s wedding we attended together.

Its actually his last gf who he was with for past 2 years, for her – he made an effort to talk to his parents about them before he met me. But his parents never agreed for that girl, since she was from a different caste.
And then wen he met me. In d beginning he said lets get to know each other so i can be sure ill be able to take a stand for us. But then when he went home this new year, he came as a changed person in his thoughts…the only thinghe says since he is back is – “i know my parents, they never want to have anything to do with my happiness. For them, i should marry as per their choice”.

And so, he has started distancing himself from me. Now he doesnt text or calls at all.. 🙁 if I mesg him, then yes he does give normal replies, as if nothing ever happend between us we are just friends.
( and so out of frustration, I did ask him recently on whatsapp. ” that is it that you want to be just friends? ” he reads it and didnt say anything to it .
So, ever since my friend suggested me this NC rule. I decided to do it. But also even he isnt making any conversations.

What hurts is that. – was that girl worthy enough for him to talk to his parents for ? And i am not even worth it to give a try ? 🙁
What should I do ?? Why is he not texting on hus own anymore ? How do i make him come back to me and make him feel that she is worth fighting for ??? 🙁
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 18, 2016 at 3:39 pm

Sorry.. I reread yOur comment, I misunderstood it the first time.. Maybe it’s not because she is more worth it, maybe he learned from their relationship that he really can’t change his parents mind.. if he’s not in position now to make his own decision, he’s being good to you by being clear and not giving you false hope
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 17, 2016 at 8:20 am

Hi Mediafemme,

You were too forward for him.. I get that you have liked him for two years now but you don’t know each other yet.. to te him you’re in this for marriage must be too much for him to hear.. take it slow.. be friends first..get to know each other and value yourself..
it’s actually good that he didn’t use your feelings for him to get over his ex right?

M

February 16, 2016 at 5:41 am

Hi, I’ve been reading many articles on this site over the last couple of days.

My ex-boyfriend and I started seeing each other right after we met (he’s 22, I’m 21). We saw each other several times a week, would talk everyday, met each others families, etc. We get along extremely well and I became comfortable with him really quickly (which is surprising for me).

After 2 months (and just shy of 1 month as an “official” couple), he said to me that his feelings weren’t strong enough and that he had been unsure about us from the beginning because I can be quite anxious in social situations (he bought up how nervous and awkward I was when I met his mum), and that was why he hadn’t taken me to meet his friends yet. He said he thinks we are better off as friends and that was that. He hadn’t been planning to have this conversation when we did, but he said he knew it was going to have to happen at some point. This conversation occurred at 1:30am. He still stayed the night and the next morning was fine; we talked like we normally do and there wasn’t any awkwardness. He dropped me off at work, we hugged, and haven’t spoken since (this was exactly 1 week ago).

I believe he made assumptions and didn’t give me the chance to prove that I can be perfectly fine in social situations, and I think his doubts may have had a huge impact on how his feelings did (or did not) develop. We have only been on 2 actual dates (which lasted all day and were amazing), and the rest of the time we are at my house due to me working during the week and him working nights on the weekends.

I am currently implementing the No Contact Rule. Are there any suggestions for me that may differ from other circumstances because of our short relationship, and the lack of feelings on his part?

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 16, 2016 at 12:07 pm

Hi M,

Show in your posts that you can handle social actvities but of course don’t put a caption that directly says that

Confused

February 16, 2016 at 12:03 am

Hello,

I’m on day 14 of NC. However, yesterday I decided to meet up with some friends to get a drink at the bar he works at. It is at a ski resort and the bar is always busy. It was snowing so no one was serving the outside area. I was sitting outside- because I wanted to avoid him and he not know I was there. Well….apparently he saw me. He came outside, said hello, and struck up a mini-conversation (hows the day, how are you, he complained about a table he was serving…etc.) Then my friends insisted we go inside the bar (since it was snowing) and even though I did not want to, I figured since he had a conversation with me that it would be alright and not awkward. It was not for the most part, but then he got off a short while later and walked right passed without saying goodbye. Do I need to re-start NC? Should I say anything to him? The reason we broke up was an argument and for a couple of weeks things had been rocky because he still hadn’t requested the time off work to go on a vacation we had planned. He said he needed to feel the way he did at the beginning of our relationship and that he needed to miss me. But, he also has not been in a relationship for the 6 years before we started dating. He said he was a loner, and that he liked it and wanted that back as well. What to do?

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 16, 2016 at 11:22 am

Hi Confused,

Try to continue the count first to 30 days, that means another two weekd right? of he messages after thatbstart the texting phase.. of not extend to two weeks more.. meaning all in all you will be doing 45..

Kelly

February 15, 2016 at 6:57 pm

My ex boyfriend of 5 months and I broke up 2 weeks ago and I immediately started no contact. We had been arguing quite a bit lately (about minor issues which is easily fixable). I didn’t beg or bombard him with calls after. I accepted it with my dignity intacted. After week 1 of no contact he wished me happy birthday and I replied thank you and he said pleasure. Then a week later he wished me happy Valentine’s Day to which I replied thank you again. He had been the one who initiated contact both times. Basically I thought both of us could communicate in a friendly way hence the next day I texted to ask if he would maybe like to catch up for coffee sometime during the week. He totally ignored my message. I’ve left it and have not messaged further. I know I broke no contact twice. Would starting no contact from the start salvage the damage done? Thanks!

Kelly

February 18, 2016 at 11:18 pm

I’m on day 3 of NC. My ex texted me again 2 days ago to which I ignored. He hasn’t texted again since. I’m determined to finish 30 days. I’m hoping that starting NC 2 weeks after breaking up is not too late and that he hasn’t moved on?
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 19, 2016 at 10:32 am

He texted you again after ignoring your coffee invite? Well, for me there’s a chance he will reply after nc
Kelly

February 16, 2016 at 10:59 am

Hi Arora. Update. He replied and said yeah maybe. I gave a smile and he hasn’t responded. I know he’s playing games. What’s my next move?
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 16, 2016 at 1:10 pm

But you’re in nc now right? It’s better to finish it first…
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 16, 2016 at 8:14 am

Hi Kelly,

Actually, for me you only broke it once when you asked for coffee.. I can’t assure you but it would give time for both of you to miss each other and have a restart

Aurora

February 14, 2016 at 6:36 pm

Hi Chris, I’m approaching (1 week away) my 60 days of no contact with my ex. Although we have remained ‘friends’ on social media neither of us has contacted eachother nor interacted with the others posts etc..Long story short he broke up with me last fall after abt 8 mnths of datings saying he didnt want to be in a serious relationship (although he had initiated it all) . thinking it was better than nothing we decided and tried to remain friends. For 3 months following up until end of year we kept the friendship up via tel convos and texts as every time i brought up hanging out he’d come up with excuses not to. Gradually the bit of communication we did have became very one-sided with me doing all of the reaching out. We chatted briefly tail end of last year agreeing to meet up before years end with it left to him letting me know when would work for him. Post that convo, I left a message during the holidays saying hello and did not get a return call from him so I stopped all my communication efforts all together, initiating 60 days of no contact. I want him back in my life and would very much like to re-initiate contact via a telephone call but am a bit nervous, i have no clue if he’s moved on, if it puts me in a vulnerable position being the one to reach out etc… Am i supposed to wait until/if he decides to reach out? Is it a bad sign since he hasnt reached out already, is it a lost cause? I’m just not sure how to go about it all. It feels like we essentially broke up over nothing and granted i made the girl mistake of holding on for dear life, coming across towards the end as needy which is not at like me at all but at the time it was reflex so as not to loose him but other than that we really loved eachothers company. Please help. Thanks for any advice you have.

Aurora

February 16, 2016 at 3:59 pm

Hi Amor,
Actually on Facebook one can choose to unfollow your feed and never see your posts so there is a chance it won’t go to his feed and he won’t even know i posted anything. I just tried putting up a post to get a response from him so I’ll see what happens. Also i should mention he’s a tad older (late 40’s) so his interaction within social media may not be the typical. If posting for the next few days does not work would you suggest me to try texting him over a phone call? Thanks again for your help, I just want the best shot at getting him to respond to me.
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 17, 2016 at 9:34 am

If both of you are more comfortble on phone calls that’s alright.. But the advantage of texts is that you gwt to think about what to say first before saying it
Aurora

February 15, 2016 at 3:55 pm

Hi Amor,
I don’t know if he even follows my feed at all since he stopped liking my posts awhile ago so not sure if posting something is the best way to go. Should I still attempt posting things to awake interest? If so how many attempts should I make going that route before trying something else. Also I’ve seen the articles here about texting after NC but not sure if that would be more effective than reaching out with a phone call for first contact since in the latter end of our relationship he was sporadically responsive over text. What would you advise? thanks so much
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 16, 2016 at 6:44 am

Hi Aurora,

yeah keep posting because, it still reached his feed even of he doesn’t look at your profile or like your posts.. with call, why is he really a call person? The thing is, you can’t think about what to say at that instant of the call.. that would be awkward
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 15, 2016 at 12:43 pm

Hi Aurora,

no, it depends on how you deliver you message.. why don’t you try to post something that he would want to ask you about?

Kristine

February 14, 2016 at 3:07 pm

Hi this is Kristine. I need help really bad with me trying to get my ex back.
Here the story begins… We met online through meetme.com. So we texted each other for while. So I asked him if he wanted to come to a football game with me. Last senior football game since I was senior that year. October 2014. My parents did not like me talking to guys online, but I didn’t listen to them and I did it anyways. My mom and my sister went to football game with me. I didn’t like that because I didn’t want my mom find out that I actually seeing a guy. So I got there and he texted me that he is there and if he should come to me. My answer was yes. My mom was there and once she saw the guy, she knew I was not for the football game. She didn’t say anything to me while he was there, so we went and walked around the football field. We talked and walked for a whole football game. We sat down on the bleachers and my friends were sitting from across from us and they asked if I had gum and I said no. He has gum and he gave it to them and then the friends yelled and said you have the best boyfriend ever. And I was a little shy and I said that they think your my boyfriend. And I asked what do you want and he said I think you know what I want and That day I was his girlfriend. We walked for little more and then my mom called and said its time to go. He actually asked me if he could kiss me and I said yes. Nobody ever has asked me if they could kiss me. Then we went and found my mom and she was not happy that I didn’t come for the football game, that I actually came for a guy. Me and him went to the gate and stayed there until my mom Coke with my sister. He gave me a goodnight kiss and he said to my mom and my sister it was nice meeting you. My mom didn’t even say anything to him back. And we left to go home. I texted him next day said I had great time and he said that he wishes he could see more. So I sneaked out of the house middle of night so he could see me. I spend the night over at his uncles house(that’s were he lived at the time). He brought me back in the morning and I was lucky that my parents didn’t know I was gone during the night. I did that next Friday night I sneaked out again but my dad was suspicious that something want right. So when I left the house he knew I was gone so they had my phone and they started texting him wanting to know if I was with him and he said no but I actually was. Next morning I went back to the house and my parents locked me out of the house and they called the cops. The cop come and I made a decision to move out because my dad said I need to get my stuff and leave and that’s what I did. I texted him and he came and got me. Then me and him lived together for a while. Then time came where my parents had to meet him and they met him and they loved him. Then into dating six months my parents started drama saying that he is too controlling and the bad stuff. My dad did that so he could have me back home. Me and Dylan got into an argument over and he took my phone and started texting my parents acting like I was texting them. We had a deal going on between me and my family and Dylan didn’t like that very much. Dylan was crying because the deal was that I had to move back home and go to college and he didn’t want me to leave him. So next day after the big fight was our 6 months anniversary of dating so Dylan wanted to take me out for dinner and a movie. But my parents told me that they are going to pick me up from school so I can move out of his aunts place. He didn’t know that and when I was back home I texted him and said my parents came and got me and he left his work to come get me back. He was crying on the phone trying to get me back. So I told him to come to my house to pick me up and I left that day to go back to his aunts place. Everything was going good between me and him. And the we started arguments about money and I was telling him where he should spend it. (I wasn’t working at all) he was supporting me on his salary. After while the arguments led to to our first break up. I was pushing him to go to college and bunch stuff like that and he was getting tired of me telling him what to do. I had developed panic attack and I texted him that I need space between us and he didn’t like that. So he asked me if we are breaking up and I didn’t even know that I texted yes because I was so stressed and crying. Few seconds later he said get your stuff and leave. I went to where we were living and I packed up the stuff and I left to go pack to my parents house. I kept texting him and he blocked my number so I reached out to his sister. His sister talked to him and explain what went wrong that day and he told his sister that he doesn’t want to be told what to do or how he can spend money. That was the reason we broke up the first place. So I listen to his sisters advice that I don’t need to text him for a while and I didn’t text him. After 2 weeks I texted him and he responded back saying that we aren’t right for each other and that he doesn’t have the same feelings anymore. I asked him if you don’t want to date me can we be friends and he said yes. Then we started talking about what went wrong. The next day he said that he actually misses me. Then I knew I can make him want me back and sure enough by the weekend I was back with him. I was so happy with him and he makes me happy. Then we agreed that I would not say anything about how he spends his money or anything like that. Everything was going good until February 9th 2016 when he texted me and said he doesn’t want a relationship anymore and I asked why he said that I don’t have same feelings and that we aren’t right for each other. That he is done. I texted him and asked if we can be friends and he said I guess. I asked him if that what he wants and he said I don’t think we can be friends. And said why and his response was its awkward. And I said no not at all… Friends without saying I loves yous and miss yous or attachments to each other. Then he agreed that yes we can be friends. Ohh okay. I didn’t text him until February 13th and I sent him a long letter saying how sorry I am and that I’m willing to work things out… Stuff like that… He says we did try work it out but I told him no we didn’t and that we need to work on our communication. He says that he is done and that he doesn’t have the same feelings anymore. I asked him if we can be friends again and he said yes. So now it’s February 14th, 2016 and we are friends but NOW I WANT HIM BACK and I’m not happy anymore since he broke up with me. FYI my parents now don’t like him anymore. Can you please help me. I started 30 day NC on Valentine’s Day. After NC is over what should I do?

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 15, 2016 at 11:33 am

Hi Kristine,

I’m just wondering..if ever you decide to go to college, that would mean you would have to go into long distance relationship right?
Kristine

February 14, 2016 at 7:31 pm

More info on my previous comment. We are friends on Facebook and on Instagram and I can see that he is talking to 6 girls right now. Have I lost him for good?
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 15, 2016 at 12:48 pm

hmmm that’s not enough indication that he has moved on alreasy

Christine

February 14, 2016 at 1:34 pm

I broke up with my boyfriend because we were in different places in our lives and both too busy for a relationship. I do want us to get back together in the future, maybe when things are more calm. He contacted the day after the break up saying “i love you”. should i still follow the NC rule?

Christine

February 15, 2016 at 5:39 pm

I want to get him back. The reason we broke up is because we couldn’t come to a compromise. He needs to work a lot and even though I could understand that, I was frustrated and upset most of the time. Is this the type of situation to do NC? Or should we just talk it out?
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 16, 2016 at 7:23 am

Try to talk it out first in a calm way.. give it a chance.. if it doesn’t work then think about nc
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 15, 2016 at 11:00 am

Hi Christine,

do you want to do nc to get him back or for him to understand that you don’t want to be in a relationship now?

Zini

February 14, 2016 at 10:01 am

Hi,Me and my boyfriend just broke up about a week ago. We have been together 7 years. I have made a huge mistake last year and he found out, we decided to broke up but in a week later he contacted me and we got back together. Since then, i tried to make it up to him, and he said he dont care about my mistake anymore (which i think he’s lied) in that time he love me and i love him like nothing have happened between us, i believe he did not cheat on me or try to revenge because we’ve been together a long time so i can make sure that he truly love me. But a week ago, we have a small fight, and i was mad at him and we stop texting. I waited for his apology, the next day i texted him and ask why didnt he apology to me yet and suddenly he said sorry and said its over. I was shocked, he said that we have gone this far because of his patient, we need to end here. I dont really understand what is going on in his mind, i tried to get him back and asked him did he still love me (because i dont think that a 7 years relationship can be ended so easily) he said he didnt love me anymore (which i dont know is it true or not because before the break up 2 days we still hanging out and he kiss me hug me like he used to do i can guaranteed) he said we are too different, we want different things, and he said that he realize that in a relationship if there is only love it wont be enough (he didnt mean about sex) there must be something more. After that, i texted him 3 messaged begging him to take me back, and he keeps denied me and said that stop contact him. Then i decided to turn off my phone and wont bother him anymore. Its been 5 days since the last time i texted him, did you think i should keep up with the NC rule? Will it work on getting him back? Or maybe it wont and he really mean to move on and my chance to get he to contact with me is 0%? Thank you

Zini

February 14, 2016 at 10:52 am

Did you think he still love me or not? Its been a week since our break up..i have calm myself down and i told myself that i need to move on..maybe he is not the one but there is some part of me still waiting for his messages and if he want to get back i definietly will accept it. My heart still miss him and want him back so much but my mind said that i must be strong he knew how pathetic i am when he dumped me but he didnt care..i dont know a part of me want him back another part said that “stop hoping”.
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 15, 2016 at 6:52 am

7 years is not easy to forget… I don’t think he’s love will instantly be gone..
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 14, 2016 at 10:42 am

Hi zini

actually I think he just said that because of the fight and he didn’t mean it.. if he messaged you now, have a talk on how to handle fights next time

Brain Diarrhea

February 14, 2016 at 12:17 am

Hi. I just found out that my boyfriend has been lying to me about a lot of things. The most recent one was about leaving the country. I could message him, but I couldn’t call him. I had a very strong intuition about him, so I checked his flat and his workplace and he wasn’t there, even though his messages said he was sleeping in his flat. I actually went to the extent of calling the police to trace him, and that’s when I found out that he left the country. He came back the following day. He still denied it but couldn’t show me his passport. He’s telling me that there are things that he just can’t tell me yet (it’s only our 5th month). He told me he needed alone time to sort out his feelings for me. He has a history of failed marriages and a long string of failed relationships. I broke up with him last Thursday, even though he didn’t want to. He was very much against the idea. But I was just too hurt at the lying. And there had been two other instances of possible cheating but I couldn’t prove because he wouldn’t show me his phone.

I still love him very much, even though he has so many problems, and I’m the kinda girl who has everything going for her.

I’m studying his symptoms and I have good reason to believe that he might have Bipolar II Disorder. I’m a physician but this is not my specialty. Now I feel guilty for abandoning him, if it might push him to be more depressed.

I haven’t officially started the No Contact Rule, and broke it yesterday to tell him that I wanted to talk, and that I want to help. He hasn’t replied.

My worry is, what if he does something stupid during the No Contact Rule? How can I live with myself knowing that I might have pushed him to it because of the breakup? If it’s unconfirmed cheating, is it still 45 days or just 30?

Brain Diarrhea

February 15, 2016 at 1:32 pm

Sigh. And I gave him $3000 last December as a gift, and he kinda owes me $1000. He’s quite broke, and I’m quite financially stable. I think you’re right that he was basically using me all this time. I’ve had that notion for a long time but just didn’t want to admit it.

I think mostly the NC rule will be for me. To move on. When is the best time to ask for my money back? I’m afraid that if I ask him now, he’s going to say something that will make me feel guilty and just cave in.

Can you be honest with me and tell if you think this is actually a viable relationship?
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 16, 2016 at 6:21 am

Honestly no.. his lies are not just petty lies.. those are the kind of lies that a person who’s used to lying does.. No relationship lasta without trust and respect..

as for the money… haahh…hmmm.. well now is definitely not the right time.. it’s a different case.. usually it’s better to ask when you have a stabler communication relationship with him
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 14, 2016 at 6:41 am

Hi Brain Diarrhea,

The thing is, let’ say he has bipolar, does that mean it justifies his lies? Doesn’t bipolat mean he switches from one mood to another in an instant? But it doesn’t mean, he gets to be shady.

Did he tell you he’s bipolar? or he has depressions? and also, you’re not the first failed relationship he had and he’s still alive.. if he does something during nc for you to talk to him, that’s manipulation..

Miranda

February 13, 2016 at 9:48 pm

So I did finished the no contact period, and my ex is trying to get in contact with me. He asked via online messaging how I was doing and we had a short conversation. Kept what I said plain and simple, and I was the one who ended the conversation. What would be the next step?

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 14, 2016 at 6:00 am

Hi Miranda,

if he doesn’t text after one day, text him.. if he texts, keep things interesting and end it in high note in a nice way..

Sara

February 13, 2016 at 8:53 pm

Hi,

Me and my boyfriend broke up just over a week ago. We were together for 6 years. 2 days after we broke up he started speaking to another girl, he then slept with this person. He’s now confirmed that he has cut this person out of his life, but he still doesn’t want me back. He’s saying that he will always have love for me and care for me but isn’t in love with me anymore. He has started going out drinking with friends which he never ever does. We’ve been messaging briefly and I’ve asked for him back numerous times but he is saying he doesn’t want to hurt me. I desperately want him back! I’m absolutely devastated and had to take a few days off work because I was such a mess. He has deeply hurt me by speaking to and sleeping with someone else but I still want him back. I was going to start the NC 2 days ago but broke it straight away. It’s killing me not knowing where he is or what hes doing. I want to start the NC but I’m afraid that he’ll realise that he doesn’t need me in his life and that he’ll meet someone else. If I do this will it really give me a better chance of getting back with my ex?

Thanks!

Sara

February 14, 2016 at 12:07 pm

I don’t really have any plans! I’m not going to lie I’ve spent the last week showing up at his place and messaging and begging for him back. But he just keeps saying ‘he can’t help how he feels’ and he’s sorry. So I’m at a loss with what to do?! Please help.
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 15, 2016 at 10:41 am

Okay.. Though I can’t assure you that you will get him back because of nc, it can help increase the chances and actually it can help you bring back balance in your life and your self esteem again..
6 years is long, you’re used to him being around and it’s the reason why you’re finding it hard to do nc..

to be honest, he can really find another girl during nc, not because you’re not talking to him but because he already did.. He may even tell you that your nc is the reason but if you look at it, he already had an affair before you started nc.. it won’t be a surprise if he did during and after it..

You can choose not to do nc of course, do what you feel is right but if it doesn’t work, you can always choose to take time to love yourself first
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 14, 2016 at 5:50 am

Hi Sara,

what are your other plans aside from nc?

Katie

February 13, 2016 at 6:58 pm

Me and my LD boyfriend broke up 2 weeks ago due to him not knowing how to make the distance between us work anymore.. but we both decided that since we still love and care for each other we would still like to remain friends. The night of the breakup I went straight into NC and neither one of us has reached out to the other since. We also still remain friends on FB. So if you and an ex mutually want to be friends after a breakup, how long should you do NC?

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 14, 2016 at 5:37 am

Hi Katie,

the regular is 30 days.. So, you can do that.

Anonnnnn

February 13, 2016 at 1:54 am

Hey! So my ex of 8 months broke up with and he said he had a lot going on his life. Financial stress and he said he felt so crap about himself because he was doing bad at school. He said he felt like a failure. We were a strong LDR couple and just all of a sudden he said he wasn’t happy. I think he’s at So now I’m on day 21 of my NC and he still hasn’t contacted me. He did indirectly and directly tweet stuff indicating that he missed me. I think he may be scared to talk to me or prideful? Should I do the 21 day or 30 day rule?

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 13, 2016 at 1:05 pm

For me 21 days seema enough for yiu

J

February 11, 2016 at 6:10 am

Hello, I’ve been friends with a guy for over a year now. In the beginning, we were dating then within a few weeks it turned to friends with benefits for a few months as he didn’t want a relationship, as he had just got out of a long term relationship before meeting me among tons of other serious stresses going on w his life and he couldn’t handle the extra stress. It ended up turning platonic for the last several months-long story; Yet me and him had grown extremely close and spent nearly every day w one another for months, been there for each other, do everything together; A couple weeks back I got upset w him about something and he said he wasn’t angry w me but I am hurt and angry w him and I know it’s because of my feelings. I know I’m dealing w unrequited love, but I feel very deep in my gut he cares more than he says he does. Being upset over the incident, I decided to start NC 2 weeks ago, today. I had been taking some time for myself and letting him have some space as he is dealing w some personal issues. I’m starting to miss him. He has yet to contact me. How much longer should I wait w NC?

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 11, 2016 at 12:37 pm

For me, do 30 days and see if you can reach out by then

Amy

February 10, 2016 at 11:20 pm

Hi, so i’ve completed the NC period and he contacted me. I ignored him during the NC period but responded this time since it was over. He wanted to see me so we went for drinks. I didn’t feel so well so he had to drop me home even though he didn’t want to. He tried to kiss me but I wouldn’t let him cause I know he’s not ready to be with me yet. After I left he messaged me … telling me he loves me. I didn’t respond bc I fell asleep. When I woke up I saw that he messaged a few more times, one wondering if I was ok… another of a pic of us. I responded saying I fell asleep and said I liked the pic. He responded briefly. His behaviour confuses me. But I’m also confused as to whether or not I really want to be with him. What should I do at this point?

Amy

February 22, 2016 at 5:48 am

so an update… i messaged back asking if he was mad or something… then just suggested we do lunch during the week sometime instead, he said he wasnt mad and agreed and would message me later … what do you think about all of this?
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 23, 2016 at 10:37 am

Nice! next level! I think that’s good!
Amy

February 21, 2016 at 6:48 pm

Thanks, He actually messaged me yesterday to be his date for his friend’s bday. I had plans already so I said no. He told me to see him after I was done, but I’d call him if anything, but I didn’t. Originally he wanted to see me today, but I never agreed. He messaged me today to see if I was free later, but I’m kinda mad at his text. He was like… Are you going to see me tonight? or pretend like you have something more important to do? … I didn’t respond yet … what should I say to that? I really don’t even want to see him today after he said that
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 22, 2016 at 11:55 am

It’s ok if you don’t really want to go.. but next time it’s better that you suggest an alternative date so yiu don’t come across as a snob.. but if you’re angry now, ofcourse don’t meet him yet
Amy

February 20, 2016 at 7:48 pm

Thanks Amor. I understand all of that, but do I say no even if i’m free? I’ve done all of that, except when we talk we usually talk for a while and I’m not always the one to end it. I would ignore him. He would start contacting me and I would make him work to see me. After all his sweet talk I eventually agree to see him. We have an amazing time, I start seeing him more and then he pulls back (after I sleep with him… I know its a big no no and not gonna happen again). I haven’t felt this way about a guy for years, but i’m ok to let him go if all he does is hurt me. I don’t ever want to force someone to be with me, I know that’s a losing battle. Things should just happen naturally. I know there’s strong feelings between us but if he keeps trying to see me at this point, i’m scared he’ll hurt me again. If I want to give this one last shot, whats the best way to approach this? keep ignoring him? see him? keep dates short? …etc
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 21, 2016 at 11:17 am

Go step by step.. Text first.. and then calls and then dates..and yes say no even of you’re free but also propose your schedule.. and then be aware of yourself..hold back a little when you know you’re about to guve it all.. and also.. you will eventually get hurt . that’s love..but it depends on what kind of hurt of course.. You can prevent him from using you.. just know your boundaries and maintain being the ungettable girl
Amy

February 20, 2016 at 10:53 am

Well he messaged me on Vday and we messaged back and forth for the last couple days. He wants to see me. I feel like I’ve already been through all this though. He left me bc he wasn’t in the right place. He said he needed time, but that story is getting so old. Before NC, I’d try to stay away but couldn’t… and when we would see each other things were perfect. He’d chase me when I denied to see him. He’d be extra romantic on our “dates.” But then he’d pull back. It’s like its always on his time and he was only seeing me when it was convenient for him. He’d get the benefits without the work. I’m done NC, but I don’t want to let him hurt me again either. Yeah I ignored him for just over 30 days but I dont know if anything has really changed. I mean, he’s sweet now but how do I know he won’t pull back like always. How many chances do you give someone to break your heart?
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 20, 2016 at 12:05 pm

There’s no definite answer but as you say, you have to take control..Don’t give the benefits without the work..don’t agree to his time and then propose a time that’s convenient for you.. always be the one to end the convo in high note.. don’t always be available and productive in other aspects of your life so you have a life apart from him..
Amy

February 13, 2016 at 6:37 pm

thanks for the replies, I really appreciate it 🙂 I know most girls would love to hear their guy tell them they love them. But to me, he sounds like a broken record. He’s always told me he loves me … just wanted me to wait for him. He’s always said that I’m the girl he wants to marry, that he misses me and wants me in his life. When I see him, he’s always nurturing and caring and sweet, but I think that’s just his nature.I did NC to see if he’d ever be ready to be with me. I haven’t heard from him since I saw him and he texted me. That was like 4 days ago. What’s your take on this.
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 14, 2016 at 5:32 am

honestly, it’s hard to say why because I don’t know him.. it can be either he’s busy, don’t know what to say kr waiting for you to text firsr
Amy

February 13, 2016 at 1:40 am

but he hasn’t told me he wants to get back together. I know he cares about me and he misses me, but the reason why we broke up was because he needed time to figure a lot of things out, with his own life. What does his behaviour mean?
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 13, 2016 at 11:53 am

but he said he loves you right? He misses you and now that you’re not that easy to get, he’s chasing you
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 11, 2016 at 12:05 pm

Oh.. he wants to get back together, but now you don’t.. contemplate on why and then decide

Tameka

February 10, 2016 at 10:13 pm

Hi Amor. My boyfriend and I broke up two weeks ago. I tried the NC rule three days afterwards but broke it after one day because my ex kept calling me and texting me and thought that I was ignoring him and if that was how I really wanted things (we live two hours away from each other). I eventually caved in because I was not one to ever ignore him. Now its been two weeks after. We have had arguments since then. We tried to talk things through on Sunday but we just went back to square one. Its very obvious that we still love each other and want to fight for our relationship but right now a break up is essential. But when we keep in contact with each other, I get confuse. With this said, I want to go back to the NC rule (I started this morning), but I am afraid that I will break it again. How do I keep from breaking it (no matter what he says)? And what is the first thing I do after the 30 days are up?

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 11, 2016 at 11:51 am

Hi Tameka,

First, if you can have a serious calm talk about how you’re to treat each other after the breakup or if you can work getting back together, that’s better.. Because the more you do nc, the less it’s effect. He will just get used to you not contacting.

His anger is like his tantrum because he knows he’s not getting what he wants.. If you really can’t talk it out, most probably he’ll ubderstand why you’re being silent

Maria

February 10, 2016 at 6:23 pm

Hi! I had a untypical relationship: open relationship at long distance, more than friends with benefits. We met in America but we are living in the same country and different cities. We had a huge fight when I was in his city but I can’t say “we broke up” because it wasn’t a serious relationship. I want to change the situation a little bit, to spice it up I might say and to give time to change myself. In the end of June we will meet again in America because we are going in the same place. I want to follow the NC rule until then 9 feb-30 june. Is it too much ?

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 11, 2016 at 11:35 am

Some actually recommend 90 days but we only recommend upto 45 days because it’s under the days of making or breaking a habit in 66 days. That means him breaking the habit of thinking about you

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