The No Contact Rule: A Powerful Strategy That Works On Your Ex

6,800 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”

cristinar

October 15, 2013 at 5:49 pm

Why, why my comments are disappearing? I am in need of urgent help here! 🙁

Right, I’ll sum it up: a year of struggle with guy whom is in long term relationship with two kids. He keeps me on the fence saying he loves me, but then adduces kids as excuse for staying with his partner and “guilt” feelings about cheating on her with me (and he said he loves me!).
It gets to breaking point – as he announced at the beginning that it would – and he “offers” to go on see each others BUT as friends, not without adding that he loves me, he does it out of love for his kids (to stay with her) and whenever I am near he can’t do much but wanting to be with me (ending up making love to me!).
I say plain NO, I can’t be a friend and neither can you, then start NC.
Day 27 he gets finally in touch talking about a song (romantic and sad about remembering and returning) and sends link to it, signing with a X.
I FINISH my 30 days NC and ADD another good 4 days before answering.
We got engaged into a chat over Whatsapp.
Firstly very cold as I kept him waiting for hours before my replies.
Then a little warmer, but I DON’T KNOW WHERE WAS RIGHT TO STOP and call it off for the moment!
I hope I did well…. 🙁 this is my point: how long can we engage in a chat, to keep it cool but not cold and don’t end up into friend zone by being overly chatty after a month of bloody silence, a heartbreak and all un-sorted stuff between us????
I DON’T KNOW IF I DID RIGHT! gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh :/
We got SORT of on the same mood we used to have before , not too much.
I wanted him to understand that what we had WAS GONE, as he chosen to end it by asking me the impossible (be friends!).
Then he tried to fish about who I was out and about tonite, by mentioning “say hello to Nadia (my best friend, clearly assuming I was out with her). I then had to do something, so I sad: I wish was her, instead is another friend (not specifying male or female) in visit for the week.
I asked him then the address of a restaurant we did go together (so he’ll have to question whether am out with a guy in same place that before were OURS, or with a girl… I wanted him to think, get worked up about supposing this or that without getting any close to the real think, like I did!). He was trying to shift the conversation on things we only know. I kept it brief, friendly but not overly, then closed after 10 minutes saying: Oh, here’s on sight my friend… gotta go, mede me happy to chat with you, have a good nite.
I also (sadistically!) faked a mistake in windows: I wanted him to think I was chatting with that friend… to make him a little jealous in case.

Did I do right?
HELP please, am panicking over not being able to deal with this texting judo!
I feel like crying, I swear! I am not expecting anything from him at this point, yet I can’t help but feel overwhelmed about texting him again after so long, after the break up and heart break I experienced and everything seems SOOOOOO cold compared to the warmth of our previous interaction 🙁
I am very sad, despite having told myself that he is gone, what we had was and I lost him, if ever something will come out of all this I really don’t know what could be and am SCARED to death to suffer again like I did.
:((((((((

Sorry for my out pour, am a wreckage… maybe I shouldn’t have text him yet.

admin

October 16, 2013 at 2:38 am

Well lets repair the wreckage.

I don’t know why your comments are disappearing? Are they just falling off the first page?

Ok, lets focus on your first point. Where to stop. Initially on teh first text after NC you stop after you get a response.

Yea your texting needs work. You ahve the E-book right? I have it all detailed in there pretty easily.
cristinar

October 16, 2013 at 10:28 pm

Really… I have no idea why my comments disappear…. anyway, I think I messed all up, yet again 🙁

I thought over ystday texting and guessed he was upset like me about having lost our closeness. This because of his behaviour during it and after it, little things I get I mean, knowing him well.
Anyway. That exchange of ystday didn’t feel right, not one bit. It wasn’t me at all and being he’s unable to deal with emotions it felt as the lack of them in our chat could kill any chance of re-open the communication lines.
So I took courage and texted him again, nothing too wrong I HOPE (!).
Here, and please give me a feedback on this (!!!!)

I wanted to thank you for the beautiful song you shared with me. I am sorry it took me so long to reply, I honestly didn’t know what to say.
I miss you in my life and I miss our closeness, I just don’t know what we could do so not to lose it. And how you feel about it, what you hope to achieve.

His choice of staying with his partner for the kids didn’t leave space for any compromise about our situation, being I cannot compromise on how I feel for him and cannot be just a friend after having been lovers for a year. this is the sense of my text.
I hope that this little encouragement will give start to a more open, honest exchange between us. Frankly, avoiding the topic was utterly stupid, being both of us know far well that the reason of our break up was his decision and my unwillingness to sit on a fence to his own enjoyment.
Comments anyone, feedback please?
cristinar

October 16, 2013 at 2:09 pm

Yeah my comment disappear… totally, like never logged.
I answered here to say I don’t know what to do now. Wait until he text again? Or wait few days and start myself? I don’t know what to tell him. So much is unsorted!
And what if he doesn’t get back in touch, and he’s fine with just knowing he could get in touch whenever?
I am torn and saddened and feel as if it was better not to text him at all right now! 🙁 This is how bad I feel about ystday texts.
I love him and having lost our closeness on top of all the rest makes me feel hopeless. He was my best friend and I can’t believe that would be happy with being just friends, being he always claimed he wanted to be with me, he loves me and stays with her only for the kids.
I don’t believe him any longer, the trust I had in him is gone, like our relationship and it drives me nuts that he caused all this. Only to come back after a month of silence to tell me how nice is a romantic song talking of remembering and returning… what the hell is this suppose to mean?
What the hell he wants from me?

And what I’m supposed to do next? 🙁
cristinar

October 16, 2013 at 9:07 am

I am about to purchase right now!
It’s been awful for me, I swear 🙁
I am not sure on what I did of the first contact, I think I did overall good…. but then you said one should stop after the response… and I didn’t 🙁
He engaged asking me how I was doing at work and from there there was this exchange of texts, always two sided (one text him, one me) for about 10 minutes. His tone was friendly, he was trying to be funny and give cord to me making questions, mentioning things we only knew about and fishing what I was doing and with who I was.
In the end he said he was going home, wishing me a good time, but I saw this morning that at 1:44 am he got online on whatsapp and he NEVER appeared there so late during the all time of NC. Good sign?
Could it be he came to check on me?
I have the feeling that he felt same, sad about having lost our warmth and to have found this new awkwardness between us 🙁 and also that he might have go round the place he thought I might have been. He did it before, I mean to get round and text saying am in the area, so to meet me even though I was out with friends.

Knowing him, I believe last night he might have gone drinking over it (he usually avoids dealing with emotions by drinking them til they drowned).

My question now is: should I wait a couple of days and start again contact, OR wait to see if he does it? And what I’d say to start contact again with him? I have no idea of how to establish a flow, now that was broken by a month of silence 🙁
I am confused and my reactions about this all are so strongly contrasting!
I should post the texts occurred between us, to get an idea of how you think it gone…. that would make me feel a bit better.
admin

October 17, 2013 at 2:21 am

I tend to land on the side of wait a few days and then start contact. Though it is more powerful if he contacts you I can’t deny that.

Welcome to the world of breakups with contrasting reactions haha.

Gloria

October 15, 2013 at 10:17 am

My boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue. It was in a span of 3 days! On Friday we saw each other and things were fine, we were happy and not arguing. On Sunday and Monday we had two small fights where each of us apologised to the other one for. He was preparing to sit a month worth of serious exams that hold a lot of importance. But on Monday night he calls and says he wants to breakup, but I tell him we should talk about this in person because I was so confused. And then on Tuesday I see him and we talk and he explodes over some of the things that went wrong in our relationship because of me, and none of these things are big like I cheated or something, mostly personality differences that we can both easily work on. So I say let me fix things because you are studying, so he says yes. And then after he doesnt talk to me normally he distances himself and kind of creates a wall over the next week. So the next Tuesday night in the middle of our call he says that he cant do this anymore and he is angry at me for so many things and he wants to end it right there and right then. But I said No, and told him to wait after his exams because his exams were less than a week away so maybe it was the huge amount of stress and pressure he was under and he was directing it at me. But he refused and wanted to end it then, so I told him to treat as if we were finished but I wanted to talk to him about this at length after his exams finishes, he agreed and hung up. I havent spoken to him since then other than sending him a text “good luck” for his exams that have now started.
I do have a feeling he wanted space to study and focus but I’m still quite confused about what I should do here? The outburst of wanting to breakup was completely out of the blue. Should I lose all hope and just treat it like we have finished or should I wait and see? Will the NC scenario help…or should I still give him good wishes?

admin

October 16, 2013 at 2:05 am

You should do NC either way (if you are trying to get over him or get him back.)

That is actually a decision you need to figure out on your own.
Gloria

October 15, 2013 at 10:19 am

We also have been dating for more than a year and are very close

David

October 15, 2013 at 2:10 am

Ive been on the nc rule for 2 weeks now and her birthday is next week. Do I text her happy birthday or what?? And what do I do after the 30 days? I was a jerk to her and admitted it cause I told her we were just friends and thats it but relized and told her I wanted her as a gf when she went straight to another man.

admin

October 16, 2013 at 1:31 am

Nope I wouldn’t say a happy birthday.

Have you read this page: https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/how-get-your-ex-boyfriend-back/

I know its for women but a lot of the rules are applicable and it will tell you what you need to do.
David

October 17, 2013 at 3:54 pm

Thanks. And yesterday she text me if she could get a number for the moving service she needed and I waited 30 min to reply. She said thanks and I replied welcome. So I have to restart the 30 days? Its been 2weeks
admin

October 17, 2013 at 6:50 pm

Nah I think we can let that slide.
David

October 22, 2013 at 6:03 am

Dang I think I messed up.. I said happy birthday real late the next day. I said “hey there happy blated birthday! hope you had a good one! better late than ever! I didnt have signal till like an hr ago.” thats it. i was out of town and put a picture on fb of me loading this big deer in a trailer (things she likes to see) this was within the 2 weeks of nc. she didnt reply. the next day she asked if her check came in yet. I said i spent it.. jk. that it should come in today or tmrw.. she replied ok cool. ill call u tmrw. I think im going to have my sister give her the money and when she calls, ill have a recording of friends laughing in the background. and ill say to go over and get the check im out of town. do u think i need to satrt the nc all over.. oh yeah on fb she posted in a relationship the next day after her bday. thanks
admin

October 23, 2013 at 7:20 pm

Maybe we can let this one slide as long as you finish out NC and don’t have any more slip ups.

Ms broken hearted

October 14, 2013 at 12:25 pm

Me and my boyfriend of 18 months broke up 2wks ago. We were really close friends before that for over a year. We never really had any issues. The only problem we had was his fear of a serious .relationship… he has told me over and over again how great I am but was always afraid to show his emotions. His fear is being vaulnerble and putting down his guard to end up getting hurt like he has with his past relationship. He also said since he’s retiring in less than 4 months he might move out of the state so he says. …but other than these things their were no other conflicts.
So it began when I finally decided to ask him to meet his kids since it has been 18months. He responded by silence followed by “um let me call you tomorrow and we’ll talk about it because I’m tired”… I knew he was avoiding the question. Next day comes n I didn’t hear from him all day. He finally calls me to say “we both want different things and I’m not ready to give you the relationship you want. You deserve better because your a good person.” And he broke it off. Days later after calling him crying and trying to get him back he told me he still wants to remain friends. So as hard as it is we have…we call and text each other.
My friend told me about this site and how it works. I truly love him and i know he loves me… should I do this 30day rule according to the situation? And if i do how do I do it without seeming like a total “B@tch”… last thing I want is to become enemies.
Please HELP!

admin

October 15, 2013 at 2:06 am

Wow your friend is awesome hahaha.

I think 30 days NC is a good idea going forward definitely. Yes, I agree no enemies. Maybe you can break it just to give him a little rope if you sense that he is starting to get really really angry but in most cases I wouldn’t even recommend that.

Jessica B.

October 14, 2013 at 2:28 am

Wow. This site has such incredible information! I am on day 5 of NC (after having to start from day 1 because I responded to a text that HE sent me). I have to say, THIS FEELS LIKE THE HARDEST THING I’VE EVER DONE IN MY WHOLE LIFE!!! My heart says “reach out to him”, but my brain says “don’t you dare!” Tonight is especially hard. I had unfriended him a week ago on FB, and I noticed within the last hour, he deleted the only two mutual friends we had left. It hit me like a knife through the chest, even though… it’s only facebook, right? Am I reading too into things? I’m really struggling here. I keep coming back onto this site for reassurance…The rational side of me understands the logic behind all of this, but on some level I can’t help that he’s only slipping further and further away.

admin

October 15, 2013 at 1:39 am

I KNOW NO CONTACT CAN BE SO DARN HARD!

hahah I have a new article probably due out on Wednesday so make sure you keep an eye out for it.

Elenora

October 13, 2013 at 9:56 pm

Hi Chris,
im back to vent a little .. I told you before my ex ended things after one year relationship where he proposed to me he was planning things never pushed him to propose, he thougt this is the right thing to do we’ve known each other a year before as friends. I know he loved me. I trust my intuition in that area. He freaked out specially that he was not sure if he can provide for me which was never an issue for me. He said hes not ready and he met me when he was feeling down and he doesn’t want to be in a relationship unless he’s willing to get married bla bla.. It’s been 2 months and 12 days with NC from my side and I never heard from him either! is it too soon for him to miss me? after he dumped me I blocked him on whatsapp and twitter. today I unblocked whtsapp and checked his twitter, he was travelling and tweeting stupid things like ” I mentally proposed and married all those foreign pretty girls” he made me sick! oh and also he tweets his undying love to an actress ! I felt so crappy ..why did I go and check on his life!! i was doing fine… chris I was thinking of contacting him but after what I read I can never give him the upper hand to humiliate me again! he is the one who should be contacting me ! he should feel the guilt and shame for tricking me and breaking his commitment to us! he obviously doesn’t miss me or even think of me! he’s keeping busy travelling and checking out foreign girls 🙁 I thought he was my angel. I have his best friend on FB we never talk but the other day he sent me an invitation for a page he created, I sent a message asking him about it then he asked me how was life treating me.. I said : life has never been better! im sure he will deliver that to my ex.. he’ll think im happy and strong & all is good without him. On my FB and twitter and whoever meet me will see a happy girl .. but the truth is im sad inside ..I miss how happy we were.. iv never been this happy and content or in love with anyone before 🙁 how could he do this 🙁 today I broke down again 🙁 what is your advice Chris …?

admin

October 15, 2013 at 1:27 am

Vent away!

My advice is to focus on net getting emotionally broken like this. Focus on you for now and getting you in a “content” place.
Elenora

October 15, 2013 at 2:47 pm

Okay I will .. I have lots of things going on work wise and socially .. do you think I should unblock him on twitter and whatsapp? my sisters advice was after what he did he doesn’t deserve to peak into my life on twitter whenever he wanna and if he wants to talk he can call or sms. what do you think Chris?
admin

October 16, 2013 at 2:21 am

I agree with your sister. She single? No jk jk.

Sophia

October 13, 2013 at 1:03 pm

I was seeing a guy for a few months who was really into me, kept asking me to meet him after work etc. We really connect on a friendship level also, he made plans to see me after he went on holiday. He came back from holiday and kept blowing me of hes 12 yrs older than me, when he phoned me I asked if he wanted to move on and we could let it go, he told me he was just busy with work at the moment. So I left him to it… the day we were meant to be doing something i texted to find out if it was still on, he told me he couldnt cause of to much work 🙁 so I just texted back saying its fine i get it, he sent one back saying theres nothing to get! arghh so anyhow i’d been in no contact for two weeks but I had to contact him re work, so i text asking if he could help. He phones straight away, then face times me to help! lovely on the phone really chatty but I cut him of and said bye as soon as it was non work related. I was driving home and passed him he waved and then phoned me. I didnt answer as driving, but texted him the next day to thank him for his help and ask why he called… guess what no answer and nothing for last 5 days. Shall I just give up completly or is it worth doing the 30 days NC? Just want to get him out of my head!

admin

October 13, 2013 at 10:41 pm

It is absolutely worth doing th 30 days.
Sophia

October 24, 2013 at 8:15 am

haha! after the cheek plant day he’s now been emailing and texting me loads! to bad its to late and i’m not going back there! 🙂
admin

October 24, 2013 at 8:04 pm

Hahaha beautifully done!
Sophia

October 24, 2013 at 1:53 pm

more phones calls today!! I answered once and told him I was to busy to talk as shopping with a friend! next i’ll be asking how long will it take for him to leave me alone!! 🙂
admin

October 24, 2013 at 8:15 pm

AWESOME!
Sophia

October 15, 2013 at 1:49 pm

I saw him again today! He pulled upto traffic lights next to me, I didnt notice but my phone started ringing (i didnt answer its illegal) so had no idea who it was, then he beeps his car and puts down his window! so I turn around and its him I put down my window and he starts trying to chat about nothing, oh but did say he would try and finish of a last bit of work thats outstanding with me (but that means i’ll have to see him again if he finises it before the 30 days 🙁 )! I say bye and did my window up then the lights changed! does this break the NC rule? do I need to start again?
admin

October 16, 2013 at 2:17 am

No that was completely out of the blue and shouldn’t count. You are still good.
Sophia

October 23, 2013 at 10:34 am

Thank you for your website! well a few days ago I had to text mr about another work job, im self employed and he does some bits for me. He didnt text back but phoned me, talked for about 20 mins which was him mainly talking about himself! which I started cutting of so he asked if I could pop to his and sort out the work stuff, I agreed.

Im so proud of myself! I kept it to work stuff only! And my rose tinted glasses have certainly fallen of during not seeing him! I no longer wanted him to slam me up against a wall 😉 but thought what an arrogant, self absorbed (he tells me about his life, dreams etc continually but never asks me anything!), immature and sexist pig he is! After we finished the work stuff he started telling me he was spending a day of work to do some fun stuff, normally I would of said ‘oh i’ll come along’ but i didnt, just told him to have a nice time :-)He then started giving me the ‘sexy time look’! so I hopped out of the chair and said its time to go!

By the door he tried to go in for a kiss on the mouth so I quickly swerved my head so it cheek planted instead!

So glad I’ve stuck to my guns and actually feel really happy and like I have closure! I think I was missing the person I used to ‘see’ him as not the person he is and was. I came away peaceful with myself and no longer like I want to text him or jump his bones! woohoo!!

So your advice re no contact etc was great 🙂 although he is a bit weird as always happy to phone or facetime me but never responded to texts which I thought blokes prefered! (but perhaps thats because he could discuss himself and his life in more depth and for longer via phone!!)

Thanks again 🙂
admin

October 23, 2013 at 10:14 pm

Your welcome for the site.

Man… going for the kiss and getting the cheek. Hahaha it makes me cringe just thinking about it.

You might try reading this guide as well: https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/the-definitive-guide-to-making-your-ex-boyfriend-love-you-again/
Sophia

October 13, 2013 at 1:08 pm

oh i did also get a reply to a text i sent him about work, where he then asked me how i was and if i was keeping busy, and asked a question. I replied to this and guess what no answer!! this was before the text re help with work! why will he phone of facetime but not text!! giving up!!

StuckInLove... but working my way out

October 13, 2013 at 8:34 am

I wanted to post my FINAL message on here after a long and emotional road… So, to catch ppl up my relationship ended after 2 yrs because neither of us was experienced enough to know how to keep it going. I was NC a little over 3 weeks and saw some tweets suggesting she was at her peak loneliness. So I broke my NC early to send my first across the bow message and got a positive/neutral response. I sent my 2nd ATB text and was asked why I was bringing up old memories and then that she was over it (us/me). I was dumbfounded for hours after knowing about all of these “love” related tweets the past weeks… So I finally had to just get an honest answer. I texted her and told her I’d seen the twitter page and wanted to know if it was about me and without hesitation she said “Its not about you”

So basically my Get back my ex plan has failed, but this is why:

-It has nothing to do with what I said or how long I did NC. It wouldnt have mattered either way. NC had no effect on her other than to get out of her way so she could focus on setting up her new life and pursuing a new guy.

-I finally realize that she is incapable of having the lasting love she claims to want (and that I want for us) because she still thinks that love is just passion and that true love should magically burn forever i guess… She doesnt understand that love is not only passion but commitment (working for the relationship) and intimacy (open communication).

-So, she wants nothing to do with me now as she’s labeled me a failure in giving her this everlasting love. She is unwilling to take any personal responsibility and doesn’t believe she should have to change for someone else (total immature misguided viewpoint…) She has already moved onto a new guy and is posting all of these strong feelings on twitter in regards to love with/about him which is clearly either a rebound in the making which will lead to 1/2 options: 1) She rides it out until the honeymoon phase (passion) wears off again and she leaves to find another guy, 2) She stays with the guy until he realizes that she has no interest in putting in the work and communication etc. and leaves (which would hopefully be the wakeup call she needs). OR It is a friend of hers that she technically left me for and already has an established relationship with in which case the same is likely, but it could last longer than the standard rebound.

-Anyway, Until she can realize that she is a big part of the problem, she will not change or have interest in me again because she believes there are other guys who can give her the lasting love I couldnt and has not dated enough to realize that they will likely not put up with her immature habits as long as I did.

Thus, I am picking myself up, reminding myself as much as I need to that I did EVERYTHING possible and this isn’t on me. It was doomed from the start and would have ended up in a breakup again eventually. I am going to try to learn to trust again, pay more attention to red flags (be a little more picky) and find a girl who deserves to have me.

cristinar

October 15, 2013 at 8:09 am

Let me tell you: YOU will find what you deserve and want most, she won’t.
There are plenty of girls/women out there that would be extremely happy to find someone like you!
Leave her immaturity and selfishness behind, move on man, because you are amazing.
I wish MY man was emotionally mature like you are 🙁
Am sure you’ll soon be happy again, with someone that will love you as you can do.
StuckInLove... but working my way out

October 17, 2013 at 7:28 am

Thank you Christinar and Chris! Meeting new girls is the hardest part and I just have to be patient and stay confident. After, going through this kind of rejection though, approaching women is nothing :p

If you guys ever need any advice or have stuff to share come say Hey on relationshiptalk.net! I signed up a few weeks ago and its been a great way to ask questions, gain support, learn from and help others. My username is Maverick.
cristinar

October 18, 2013 at 12:04 am

You are welcome and are such an incredible guy!
Mature, sensible and generous… forget the sad girl and go out there to catch a goddess! :p
Good luck, wishing you all the best and further more.

PS: out of all the rubbish you took something good came out: now you know who to give yourself too and how to avoid wasting time 😉
Not bad, uh?
admin

October 17, 2013 at 6:32 pm

Confidence is key my friend! I can’t tell you how much more women like a confident ugly guy than an unconfident good looking one. I have seen it before my own eyes.

Maverick huh? Top Gun fan?
admin

October 16, 2013 at 1:56 am

Here here!
admin

October 13, 2013 at 10:36 pm

Man I am so bummed out to hear this :(.

Though sometimes you just can’t get an ex back. You seem to have done almost everything right and she still wasn’t responsive :/.

But hey, at least you got something out of the experience.
StuckInLove... but working my way out

October 14, 2013 at 3:09 am

Thanks Chris. My advice to the world would be never lose your virginity to another virgin haha! It’s just asking for trouble and that’s what hurts the most about this breakup because although we both haven’t dated much, she’s too immature to know what she wants or how to have it, and I know there’s no hope of a future together now that this “bond” has been broken (as she’s seeing/hooking up with other guys). It just wouldnt ever be the same between us and being my first love too I just can’t trust her again, especially after everything she’s put me through and how little care of me she’s truly shown.

She never gave me a single apology for anything relating to the relationship or the breakup. She never gave me any real answers or communication… I finally came to the realization that she never truly loved me.

She thinks love is passion and when the passion died, she lost attraction. So with no other emotional investment (commitment or intimacy) it was easy for her to get over me and look for a new guy to replace that passion with. Hopefully, sooner than later, she realizes that she is a large factor of her own unhappiness and she’ll never find that “lasting love” she wants so badly until she learns to work for it and communicate.

Hmm, can’t help but wonder if I just figured out Taylor Swift’s dating dilemma, and why she appeals to so many young girls… Mind=blown

Good luck everyone! If your partner did truly invest in you then I believe there will always be something pulling them back. Be weary though, especially if you dont receive any messages during NC. Prepare yourself that they may be with someone else, and even if they’re confused, they wont respond kindly to old memories while they’re exploring these new options. You’ll have to wait it out and give them more time (also become more comfortable with the idea of letting go. Definitely BE DATING! – Thats actually one of your best methods or getting attention/feelings at this stage)
admin

October 15, 2013 at 1:48 am

How old was she again?

And don’t even mention Taylor Swift on this site. Ughhh… I think her next song should be titled “maybe I am the problem.”
StuckInLove... but working my way out

October 15, 2013 at 2:51 am

She was 19, Im 22. Because of family issues she missed some time in HS. So she just started college this year (community) and I’m finishing up. It certainly caused A LOT of bad timing and road blocks which affected our relationship, but even if I did everything differently I am still not convinced things would have lasted. She just has no willingness to change or put in the work yet and I would have ended up leaving or giving up again. No one can keep up the whole weight of the relationship themselves, eventually you get burned out and value them less.

For everything I love about her Chris and how much I will always miss about her/want her, I have to believe my more dating experienced friends are right when they tell me that if I just give it a chance, girls my age have a lot more to offer and I deserve much more than she ever gave me.

Looking back, I wish I had just apologized, agreed to the break, wished her the best and gone strict NC from day one because I see now that she really was still confused/unsure back then when I thought she was totally over it, but with chasing, getting overly emotional, and trying to get her back way too soon, etc. all too long I’ve pushed her too far away and strengthened her negative image of me. Honestly, if I had as many interested women on the sidelines as she had men it would have been easy to cope and have her doubting. I’m just too honest/loyal of a guy to do that while im in a relationship, but apparently most girls have no problem with a little flirting or being friendly to guys who are interested in them and dont consider it bad even if they find these men attractive (Facebook/social media sites makes this all to easy). Who really knows though, there are SO MANY variables in breakups and relationships… It can drive you mad thinking about it. I hate the saying, but If she really doesnt feel anything strong enough for me to want to reach out on her own in the future than it really never was meant to be and couldn’t work. I’m letting go of the negative, accepting I can’t change her, only myself and Im looking forward. Going to beginners salsa dancing social tomorrow! Should be a great place to meet singles 😉 and of course have some fun.
admin

October 16, 2013 at 1:36 am

Yea, the age difference probably adds to the maturity difference between you too. Plus going to college that first year does something weird to a lot of women.

You are spot on when you say that there are a lot of variables to breakups/relationships. I still get stumped every day by some weird situation I read about and think “ok, how do I offer advice for this one.” Plus I have read about both men and women doing the craziest things. You just never know with anyone anymore.

Kind of scary really…

Good luck at Salsa. Hopefully you get partnered with a hot chick 🙂

hokiegirl757

October 12, 2013 at 1:44 pm

So, my ex and I have been NC since the night of our break up, immediately after the conversation ended. We dated for 9 months, had taken a trip together, and I thought things were going really well. He struggles with depression (though he says he was doing fine at the time he broke up with me… I don’t buy it). It’s just a few days shy of 30-days NC. I have not heard a single thing from him, nor he from me. He popped up a lot in conversation with my friends about a week ago when it sounded like he was starting to hang out with people again.

We broke up because he said he wasn’t happy, wasn’t falling in love with me anymore, and can’t make anyone else a priority in his life right now but himself. He said he wants us to be able to be friends and value what we had in the relationship. I still miss him terribly as I felt this break up came completely out of the blue…

My question is, should I contact him shortly after the 30-day NC mark? I’m extremely confused on how that may help him or, even more, how it would help me. I don’t want to get hurt like this again, but I want him back in my life. Not as friends, but as my boyfriend and partner in crime.

So help? Would contacting him actually help me get him back? How should I go about reaching out if so? I want to prove to him I’m strong and don’t need him to make me happy…

admin

October 13, 2013 at 8:38 pm

ARe you both pretty stubborn people?

Have you read this page: https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/how-get-your-ex-boyfriend-back/?
hokiegirl757

October 13, 2013 at 9:06 pm

I have read that page. I think parts of it are super helpful and applicable, but with his depression I wonder if he doesn’t always fit the mold.

We are both very stubborn. Him especially. He gets very stuck in his ways and opinions. The last thing I want is to come off as needy to him again…
admin

October 15, 2013 at 1:22 am

Well, I can tell you that NC will NOT make you come off as needy.
StuckInLove... but working my way out

October 17, 2013 at 8:18 am

A few things:
1-It sounds somewhat mutual but basically it was his call to end it. He said hes “not falling in love with you anymore?” BULL. By 6 months you should know if its love or not and prolonging it he was clearly stringing you along. This is also apparent in his wanting to be friends and still value what you had… Going NC was the best think you couldve done and if he hasnt come back or even checked in then Im sorry to say but he didnt love you. Because you went NC so early it seems theres very little to go by, but ask yourself this: Is he capable of loving you like you did him? He sounds similar to my ex in that he never fully invested to love you with commitment and emotional intimacy. He was just riding out the passion until that flame went out. That is why he hasn’t missed you as he has no attachments left to you. The passion died, then he lost attraction and was over you. If the relationship was good early on though and he isnt happier with a new girl now then there is hope in the texting plan. I would advise (speaking from recent experience) though that you start with across the bow messages not containing memories. His interest is low to nothing right now if you didnt get anything in 30 days. So go in with NO expectations. Id advise you wait longer but 9 months really isnt that long and if he never bonded with you than more time wont bring up feelings that arent there.

2- I commend you on your dedication to immediate NC for so long. You must have had some level of maturity on each side or good communication during the break to feel nothing was left unsaid.

3- The text plan could work well for you as long as he has no hangups about talking about the old memories, but honestly not receiving any message could mean a dozen things going on with him. So like I said proceed very slowly and with no expectations. It didnt work for me because my ex was too “over me” and invested in her new life and pursuit of a new guy. She had no interest in having me back in her life until she dates enough and spends enough time apart to actually miss me and appreciate what she lost. If theyre indifferent theres very little you can do except wait longer for them realize what they lost or it be so long (3 mo+ NC) theyve all but forgotten you and theyre curious to see you, how youve changed, and learn what youre up by reconnecting as friends. Then you get them to meet for coffee and try to create new bliss moments together and get them seeing you as attractive again.

Just one guys opinion. Good luck!

Caroline

October 12, 2013 at 10:59 am

Hey Chris 🙂
I have been dating my boyfriend for 1 year and it was so perfect for both of us. I felt he is the one and he even proposed to me but 3 months ago he dumped me 🙁 I kept begging him to take me back for 1 month then went into the no contact phase for 2 months. I saw him by coincidence on the street after these 2 months and he rushed to say hello but then I learned from facebook that he went out with a girl to the movies the day I saw him on the street. I sent him 5 messages full of swearword. I know it was a huge mistake I did but I love him so much and don’t know why he did that to me. He used to say that I’m the woman of his dream and that he would never leave me 🙁 Do u think he’s going to call me after all these messages I sent him? Thanks

admin

October 13, 2013 at 8:33 pm

I think you need to do a NC before he will contact you.
Caroline

October 24, 2013 at 8:38 am

so you think there’s a chance he may contact me even after all these stupid messages I sent him? and do you think that all men come back to their exes?
I would like to buy your e-book but how can I know more about it and where can I find it?
thanks
admin

October 24, 2013 at 8:06 pm

Yes, BUT only if you stop sending them.

Not all me will come back to their exes. That is just a fact.

You can grab the E-Book here: https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/ex-boyfriend-recovery-pro/
Caroline

March 29, 2014 at 9:56 am

Hi Chris!!
So I cut off all the contacts and I haven’t heard a word from him since the day we met on the street. The break-up happend 9 months ago and the last time I saw him was 5 months ago. He still didn’t text nor call me 🙁 do u think he’ll come back one day? and after how much time? 🙁 I think that I still want him back
thanks a lot Chris 🙂

StuckInLove

October 11, 2013 at 6:27 am

So I’ve concluded my ex gf is either crazy or in love with someone else…?

Basically I was NC for 3 weeks straight after chasing. She NEVER initiated a single message me with after the breakup (still hasnt), but I still have access to her private Twitter page (which she uses as an emotional diary). Anyway, there were some small signs of missing me during early NC but at 3 week mark she hit the PEAK. What seemed like serious doubt in the breakup, severe loneliness, missing feelings. She posted song quotes about wishing Id come back to her at that moment, wanted me to show I still cared, still loved me, and mentioning numerous times wanting to say something that could change everything/say how she feels but not wanting to sound dumb etc. So after careful consideration I decided to break NC early to strike with my text plan during this “Peak of Loneliness”.

So I sent my Across The Bow message and after 3 hrs got back a neutral, but slightly positive response. Still good, but honestly I was expecting a little bit more interest as I could see that same day she was still pining over me (or so it seemed). Now, the day after my ATB she’s venting again about wanting to say what you need to say but not being able to find the words, and a song quote about needing to be where he is now (because she loves me/needs me) etc. And heres my phone still not buzzing?? This is 3 separate accounts/days now of her being an emotional wreck while pretty much ruling me/us out again as a possibility without even saying a word to me! She has to know I cant see her Twitter page. Its got a huge freakin padlock next to every tweet! And of course none of her actual best friends follow her Twitter… FML. So Im wondering if shes telling these feelings to any1 else who could actually give her advice.

There’s a VERY small chance that these are referring to anyone else. She even took down all of her post breakup “party pics” with her girlfriends and posted a new modest photo of her with her dog on FB and Twitter now which is a big change. She said there was no other guy when we broke up (only 2 months ago) and she hasnt posted a single picture out with one… So, I dont think Im crazy in thinking this is all about me. Also, what are the odds shed fall so strongly in love for someone else in so little time only to fall out of love again and pine over them?… Anyway, I’m driving myself nuts because I’m not going to break character now (after 3 painful weeks of NC) and post something showing I miss her too or confront her or a friend (she blew up on me for talking to her friends during the breakup) about it when she hasn’t given me any direct indicator to imply that anything’s changed in how she feels! She told me to stop chasing, said she needed space/time. I gave it to her. I’ve done my best to move on. I havent posted any pics with other girls. Talked about the changes I was making before I started NC… Then just in case she was having fear of rejection I even throw her a HUGE bone with an early ATB message and she doesnt budge by showing interest or feelings towards me?! I realize she’s torn between coming back and moving forward because she doesnt know what she could be missing out on (she posted that) but she’s still assuming I’m the same guy and that things couldn’t be monumentally better! Sorry to say this, but I just want someone to slap her and say if you think you might want him back tell him, and if you’re hesitant about your future with or without him you need to talk to him about it because you pushed him away. So stop complaining about it and acting like your lifes so hard when you wont even pick up the phone and do something about it! And don’t say she’s thinking about my feelings and not wanting to lead me on or hurt me again because thats just ridiculous. If I have moved on as she assumes, then I can handle a simple message of interest or talk about the idea of relationship and she owe’s it to us both to bring it up and possibly meet our new selves before ruling it out. It really S*cks because I see a completely different relationship for us with everything that’s changed and everything I’ve learned, but I she’ll never know or see it unless she gives me the chance.

I continue to fight and work for this girl and she does nothing to help herself! All she does is play the victim and throw a pity party and convince herself that she’s better off rolling the dice or that myself or things will never change when she doesnt even care to look! It’s like she expects me to still be an open book when she broke my heart, told me she didnt love me anymore, could NEVER see herself dating me again, and pushed me away like I was some desperate loser who meant nothing to her. I can’t keep solving her problems for her. I’ll stick to my text plan (with a 2nd ATB in 3 days), but if she can’t take some action and be honest with me in her feelings, continuing to share more with her 50 twitter followers than me, then a healthy/trusting relationship will never be possible. This is EXACTLY what she did when she left and it’s why we never stood a chance.

Morale of my story I guess is another example of why you should NOT pry into your ex’s life during NC. Even when you do find the good, it’s still bad and clouds your judgment/effects your mood and actions.

If ANYONE has a suggestion on what the heck I could do in this scenario besides what I’m doing I’m all ears! I just think I’m expecting this girl to be more mature than when we broke up and although she has changed in a lot of ways for the better, she’s still the same lazy girl who can’t take any personal responsibility or action for herself/her problems and I need to realize that it’s something I need to let her figure out on her own instead of holding her hand every step of the way. I just want her to see the potential and future that I see because we both want all of the same things out of life and are a perfect personality fit for each other and I think thats rare and worth fighting… I don’t get why it has to be so dang hard.

admin

October 11, 2013 at 6:24 pm

I have an interesting perspective.

Did she know that you had access to Twitter?

I mean, she could have been thinking “oh, he is responding because he saw my twitter messages about him.”
StuckInLove

October 12, 2013 at 1:06 am

No. I dont think so. I didnt respond immediately after her first “emotional breakdown” it was more like day 3-4 of this loneliness period and she really isn’t the smartest girl… ha. So I HIGHLY doubt she thinks I have access to her account. Its more likely to me that she doesnt realize hers is locked. Regardless, when I went over each message again and thought more about it I realized that these were all just reactions from loneliness and missing being in love and the relationship etc. no signs that she was actually considering taking me back. That is why she never messaged me because she doesnt regret the decision and, as hard as it is for her being lonely, she doesnt want to regress.

Shes just crying for attention because she wants me to show interest and let her know that Im still available for her so she can string me along. Perfect example of this is how the day of my ATB text she immediately stopped all of the desperate message posts. Then, after the first day of NC after this message. She broke down again and said “Right back where I was” which is a clear indicator shes just reacting to abandonment/loneliness (looking to know im still here for her/thinks she can get me back whenever) and when I texted and ended the convo suddenly without showing interest or chasing it showed her I wasn’t as available after all. I cant post all of the messages but shes implied that shes actually blaming me for going NC and moving on (saying “Dont make me let you go…” and “Show me you care, or tell me you dont) which is extremely selfish and narcissistic and she wont message me because she knows it WILL “sound dumb” if she says, “I want you in my life (as a safety net and for emotional support) but I think I value a future without you more than with you. I’d rather roll the dice in life because I don’t think what we had was special and I’d rather find someone else who will put up with my immaturity and games because its easier than growing up, taking some personal responsibility, and putting work into a relationship.”

Even IF she did know that I could see and was checking her tweets, What would it matter if she knew I was responding or showing interest when she was clearly calling out for me? When someone posts 10 messages saying they love you and wish you’d walk through the door and you wan’t so badly to pick up the phone and tell them “what you need to say” how are you not expected to assume they actually might want you back? I HATE all of these games, and I almost made a big mistake in showing interest today with a song (stupidly thinking that she just needed to know I still cared in order to open up) before realizing that she really wasn’t considering taking me back yet and was just lonely, having doubts and looking for support/attention.

If you read my comment I posted before yours youll see I believe I just need to stop being affected by these mood swings and mixed feelings and I am going to keep to the program and send my next ATB tomorrow, hopefully getting some short rapport going. I still need to make her value me more before she’s interested in me again. [NEVER THINK YOU CAN CHEAT OR SPEED UP THE PROCESS PEOPLE! It takes as long as it takes and you can’t react to them.] I can’t help but wonder if I should have waited that extra week before starting with my texts, but only time will tell. I just HAVE to stop letting her get to me and keep in control. If she knows she still has power over me then she’ll just string me along forever and throw up that guard.
admin

October 13, 2013 at 8:20 pm

Haha its like a power struggle between you two. Once she has it she grows disinterested. Once she doesn’t she chases.
StuckInLove

October 12, 2013 at 1:16 am

She posts about wanting a love that will last and to be swept off her feet etc. And theres nothing I can do to show her I can give her that and more… Its extremely frustrating. Im sure everyone else here agrees. I big thing in our relationship was my lack of appreciation for her in the end. So Im hoping since the text system is largely based on appreciation, etc. it will work well to get her considering me again. I’m just so nervous that I won’t get a positive response on my next ATB message to move up to more serious types. I just want to see some interest from her or even have her initiate a text ONCE to know I’m making progress or there’s any hope… NC is the easy part as scary as that sounds ha. This feels like juggling with fire over a shark tank.
StuckInLove

October 11, 2013 at 5:38 pm

My final consensus: She is not simply hesitant to message me as I’ve given her the opportunity, this is a choice and she’s choosing not to because shes still placing more value on her future without me than a future with me. Also, no friends of hers can be any help as I know shes extremely stubborn and does what she wants based on how she feels no matter what others reason or try to tell her (else she would have reconsidered leaving me without talking to me first).

So, I simply need to gain more value. I have still not posted a single thing on Twitter and she has no idea what I’ve been up to in 3+ weeks NC (besides some volunteer work). So, she doesn’t have any evidence to suggest she could be losing me for good to another girl (prompting her to act now), and she has little evidence to prove how much I’ve changed for the better and how things would be different.

Thus, I have concluded that in addition to continuing the text plan (which should slowly build my value up) I need to inspire some light jealousy, probably with a picture on FB or subtle hint in a text or tweet to push her to act now. She definitely wants me back, but she needs to know it will last and we won’t go through this again (as do I). So she keeps talking herself out of it…

Jonathan

October 10, 2013 at 7:35 pm

Hello Everyone.
I’ve posted before, but want to share some things if I may.
I met my boyfriend last year. We became inseparable despite the LDR. We had plans for me to move out where he was living, and I would give up my job, family and the like, and we would be together for good.
He broke up with me in June. VIA TEXT. And then an email a few days later. We then got back together mid-July (all LDR). Our lives were coming together. For various reasons he broke up with me end-July, then contacted me for me to purchase a house for “us” and I applied and got approved. I got irritated on the phone with him (I do have issues with depression) and he hung up. I didn’t hear from him for 2 days (wouldn’t take my calls) and then he texted me (again) breaking it off with me for good.
10 days later, I decided to cancel the contract on the house. When he got news of that, he emailed me after 10 days of NC on my part and proposed I purchase the house for him and that in a few months, he would purchase the house from me.
I canceled the contract anyway. Purchase a house for him after he broke it off with me and in the same email in the last paragraph do nothing but tell me what was wrong with me and how I needed to work on this or that but that we were over?
He’s got a very strong nature, and I know in my heart the relationship is over.
The following week, I closed out the joint account we had. I had the bank mail him back all the money on that account. I never heard from him he received it. He never thanked me for it or offer to send me back one-half.
I lost money on the initial house deposit and some related expenses for the transaction.
I endured a lot and took a financial blow on top of an emotional blow that is worse, by far.
He never had ownership of some of his faults or what he asked me to do for him in the end. He just broke it off.
But I loved him anyway.
The memories make me so sad, but I have instituted NC and am now on Day 20. Today is his birthday. I do want to text and call, and his mother e-mailed me yesterday for something. I have not responded to her either. And I won’t.
What I realize through this horribly painful process is the fact I brought a lot to the table, but in fact, he never did. And perhaps my irritation stemmed from the fact I was not secure enough in myself to express there were things I did not want to go forward with and thought that if I didn’t go along with what he wanted, he would dump me and the relationship would be over.
This is exactly what happened.
I just want to say to everyone that in my short experience with NC a concept I didn’t know about until I found this awesome website, it has been excruciating. Every second of the day I get torn up and concentrate on the good times rather than on the things I really didn’t like that much.
We were great together. And I know not half of these things would have happened had we been face-to-face.
I just want to reiterate that same-sex relationships have just the same dynamic as opposite-sex relationships. The rules are the same.
While I do feel my world is changed forever, I am determined to go through with maintaining NC. Perhaps he’ll get in touch, perhaps he won’t. But I must stress that no matter what, no matter how you feel in that very moment you want to call or text or send a card or whatever, DO NOT. You have to stand your ground with your ex.
Remember: he or she broke it off with you. They have to accept the decision they made.
I think it’s the only way to truly retain your dignity. You have to not be concerned about what he or she is feeling. You have the power when you institute NC. You can’t think about “perhaps if I send a birthday card” or “perhaps if I answer his text he just sent he’ll like me again or think about me.”
Trust me: you can be sure your ex is thinking about you. Perhaps not as much as you would like, but he or she is thinking about you. And even if there is no chance of getting back together, I am starting to realize NC is the best option. If you are in NC, your ex has been cut off. He or she cannot hurt you because you have removed the pain. You are going to feel torn up and feel as if the days or nights are unbearable. And it all just swims around in your head and you can’t stop the thinking.
And even if I feel horrible all day, I have promised myself not to break NC WHATEVER THE OUTCOME. You will feel constantly “if I do this, perhaps he or she will be touch or think of me.” I’m sure your ex is thinking about you.
This has been the most painful experience I have ever gone through. And while for myself, I do not believe my relationship is salvageable, in my heart I know in the end I made a very positive impression on his life and that he will remember it.
NC is about you and your healing. Do not give him or her the power by keeping/getting back in touch after they contact you first. It has to come from him or her and not once, but on several attempts. And then you give it a certain amount of time before you respond. Not that same day. Perhaps the following week at least.
I understand this now thanks to this website.
Dumped over a text message and then an email why we were no longer together? Imagine. A text message. That is a pure act of cowardice. He texted me we would talk one day. I’m still waiting for that day, and I know that day will probably not come. But perhaps it will.
In the meantime, you must institute NC immediately. You do it for yourself, not for your ex.
It’s just better.
Thanks for listening.

admin

October 11, 2013 at 5:48 pm

I agree! Sometimes people don’t understand that NC just isn’t for your ex. It is also for YOU!
cristinar

October 18, 2013 at 12:17 am

I so agree with all you said.
Let me add that I have been dumped years ago in the same way, over a text.
The only difference between us is that said text came after a proposal done not even 24 hours earlier.
About that??
I realised he was a psychopath, or sociopath, but whatever one could call him will never truly get near how messed up he was. He did a good job at hiding this from me for almost a year, but in the end I WON.
Imagine if I married him!
I thank God every day, and as for you I am absolutely sure that I made a great impression in his life and he’ll remember that, whilst I’ll remember how lucky I was to escape him. Now that is something to be happy about!
All the best to you, go get your dream partner!
admin

October 18, 2013 at 6:33 pm

REally he proposed and then dumped you?

Want me to beat him up for you?

No jk jk jk.
cristinar

October 21, 2013 at 10:12 am

I did… that was 8 years ago Chris…. I was talking about an ex 🙂
cristinar

October 20, 2013 at 11:56 am

Yes, no kidding!
He proposed to me and not even 24 hrs later dumped me via text message.
Now, that is a psycho!
And yes, pls…. can you beat him up to pulp for me? :p
admin

October 20, 2013 at 9:05 pm

Done!

I hate to say it but give up on him and move on. This guy IS clearly psycho and you are clearly sane. Leave him in the dust and don’t look back.

Claire Bostock

October 9, 2013 at 9:26 am

Me and my ex boyfriend got together when I was 14 and he was 15. We always had a good relationship and two years ago we split up at the age of 16/17 because of something small as teenagers do but we worked through it and got back together and was very happy since. When he turned 19 he got an apprenticeship and it meant he had to move away five days a week but he would come home at weekends. We both promised to make the long distanced work and we would make the most of the little time we had, and I work at weekends so that meant we had less time than hoped. He recently changed bosses and is continuing his apprenticeship at a different location and there’s more older lads there and from my opinion it seems like theres a battle of the egos going on. About two months ago he was asking me to move there with him but I kindly declined because I want to finish my higher education. He would continue to ask but each time I would kindly decline. Then about a month ago he got cold and distant with me and we began arguing over small things. Once he realised how he had been acting he apologised and said he had started to get cold feet about us and thinking he would have to marry me soon because of how long we had been together but I reassured him I wasn’t thinking of marriage because I am 19 and he is 20. After we had resolved this he began asking me to move in with him again but I kindly declined. Soon after he became distant again and we began the arguing over small things and he began contacting me less. His Grandma has become recently really unwell and he told me he had already detached himself from her emotionally. He has had quite a lot of stress this year so 11 days ago I asked him if he was okay and if anything was bothering him and if he was handling all his stress okay. He told me that he no longer knew how he felt about things anymore and he didn’t know how he felt about me either. As you can imagine I was very hurt and couldn’t work it out in my head. I kindly said goodnight and I didn’t sleep at his house that night. We had plans for the next day but I rung him, cancelled and ended the relationship and told him I need someone who knows how they feel about it. Looking back I realise I did this out of frustration because I didn’t understand and felt completely lost. I was hoping this would have made him realise he did have feelings for me. However he didn’t contact me for free days and I noticed he had began changing details on his facebook i.e relationship status and this surprisingly was a shock to me. During them three days we was’nt together I had rung him once to inform him on a family friend being diagnosed with breast cancer because he deserved to know but kept conversation to two minutes. Then on the tuesday I was at hospital and he didn’t contact me to find out how he went although he knew I had an appointment. On the first wednesday I rung him and asked if this was definitely what he wanted.. he said yes and I asked how he knew and he said it was because he didn’t feel sad or upset about the break up. I admit I got very upset and apologised. I also asked him to meet up to talk about it. He asked when I was free and I said saturday because I was at a party friday. I text him afterwards thanking him for talking to me on the phone.

Friday night he text me “how are you” But I decided to start the NC rule on the thursday when he hadn’t text me back. We never met up because we didn’t contact each other. I’ve noticed he’s began changing more on his facebook and I didn’t react. Yesterday I was at a restaurant and checked myself in on facebook at the restaurant but I never tagged who I was there with. I got a text 10 minutes after “This saturday, when are you working because we should probably sort stuff out…?” I ignored it.
Also a few weeks ago a family friend of mine created a facebook group message about all going Alton towers and he was in it because we was together when organising and conversation has been continuous for a few weeks sorting the event and since breaking up he hadn’t commented or wrote anything but last night after ignoring him and me talking to the girl about a date he wrote back “I wont be going, sorry folks”

My family friend didn’t know we aren’t together anymore and just put “Sorry to hear, maybe another time” and he didn’t respond. But i continued organising with her like he hadn’t replied.
I just want to ask what your thoughts are and if you think the NC rule is working for me. I do feel a lot better in myself, I’ve started spending more time with friends, I’ve joined a gym and I feel confident. Its now a week today since I rung him on the wednesday and its 10 days since we split up.

Thank you for all your advice so far and guidance
x

admin

October 10, 2013 at 1:16 am

I think you are off to a great start certainly!

Though, you still do have a ways to go. But yes, I think it is working fine for you.
Claire Bostock

October 31, 2013 at 2:44 pm

Hi Chris!
Just thought I’d update you. Its 30 days no contact tomorrow. I feel great about myself, I’ve got admirers due to my new confidence. My body is looking great from the gym and I just seem really happy with myself and my life! I don’t think about him constantly and I feel like I’m moving on! I’m at a place now where I feel strong enough to take on anything. So I just want to say thank you for all the good advice you post and support.

Last tuesday he rung me and I didn’t answer. He rung me the following day again and left a voicemail where he sounds worried and frustrated and says “Hello, only me. Just wanna know if your alright, give us a call back” and at the end he makes a sigh. I ignored it again. Last night his friend snapchatted me and I didn’t think he was with my ex boyfriend so I snapchatted a photo back of me smiling saying “Just finished work, woo!” He then snapchatted a photo of him and my ex boyfriend saying “we just finished work too!” and I chose not to snapchat back once I realised he was with my ex boyfriend, they continued to keep snapchatting me at which I chose to not reply. My ex boyfriend then later text me saying the following “Look i dont want to be funny or nothing, no need to just ignore me and pretend I was never around. There’s stuff thats yours thats in my room and at the house… id like to get it back to you, after that you can ignore me all you want if thats really the route you want to take. but right now its just a bit unnecessary. Besides id like to know how you are getting on… ya know… just stop ignoring me…”

I just want to know what your thoughts are. I think he may turn up at my house out of curiosity if I don’t reply in which I know I will act polite. I have decided to wait a few more days of no contact and then text him based on the advice you have outlined on other pages on what to do after the 30 days. Thanks again!
admin

October 31, 2013 at 8:14 pm

Of course you have admireres. You are a very pretty girl!

Just stick to the plan youve got and I think you will be good going forward.
Claire Bostock

October 31, 2013 at 2:46 pm

Also when if he asks why I ignored him for 30 days in the future how should I respond because I don’t want to look like I was being mean. I know the 30 days no contact was for me to work on myself. So I’m glad I followed it through and stuck to it.
admin

October 31, 2013 at 8:13 pm

Simple you say “I just needed some time to myself.”

Wow!

October 8, 2013 at 8:38 am

So I’ve been having NC with my husband but he keeps calling,calling,calling and calling and texting and texting and it’s only been a week! He text saying how wrong he was,that’s his sorry….BUT he want me to call him because “he needs my advice!” he said “we don’t even have to talk about what happened…he just want a true friend to talk with” I really don’t want to talk about “other things” if it’s NOT about our relationship! What do I do?? His aware that he needs me and he doesn’t have “real friends.” he keep texting how he misses me,how I deserve better,….. Blah,blah. Is it too early to start a conversation? If I do reach 30 days…I’m sure he’ll call so what do we talk about?? Yes, I do want him back on the condition he learned his lesson….!
Thanks much for your advice!

admin

October 9, 2013 at 1:56 am

You might want to check this page out: https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/how-to-get-your-ex-husband-back/

inah

October 8, 2013 at 3:57 am

This may sound like a silly qns but what if he were to text me; wishing me happy birthday on my birthday during the 30day no contact period. Should I reply him? What if I were to ignore him? Will it drive him further away?

Its been almost 2weeks since I last contacted him, and my birthday’s coming up in a few days. Trying not to hope for much, but just wondering what I should do.

admin

October 9, 2013 at 1:50 am

I wouldn’t reply.

However, I don’t think it is a huge deal to say “thanks!” and just not reply back to his next reply either.
inah

October 9, 2013 at 5:11 pm

Yes! So he did wish me happy birthday! Just right past the stroke of midnight. I don’t know if that means anything?

It’s been 12 days of NC and I’m contemplating if I should break NC; reply him saying thank you or not reply at all.

Anyway thanks so much! I enjoy reading all your articles. Your website is by far the most helpful one I have come across. Your efforts is truly much appreciated 🙂
admin

October 10, 2013 at 1:36 am

It means he was thinking about you and the fact he sent it late may mean he debated on whether to send it to you or not b/c he was worried what you would think.

I would say stay in NC.
inah

October 10, 2013 at 11:54 am

I ended up replying saying just 2 words; thank you. He didn’t reply anything back though. Do I still stand a chance? 🙁 I was half hoping that he would ask me how am I etc.

Do I go back to the start of 30days of NC or can I still count it from 12days?
admin

October 10, 2013 at 6:39 pm

I think we can let this one slide haha.
inah

October 10, 2013 at 2:40 am

Oh no no. He sent it right after midnight on my birthday. Birthday is on 10oct. And he sent it a few mins after midnight on the 10th. Was the first birthday text i received. Sorry for the confusion!
admin

October 10, 2013 at 5:55 pm

Oh, well that is even BETTER! That definitely means he was thinking about you.

Jess

October 8, 2013 at 1:59 am

I love your articles. I’ve seen them work. Hard, but true. Does the NC rule lose effect if I told him to leave me alone for a while?

admin

October 9, 2013 at 1:30 am

A little bit yet. But still it can work quite well.

cristinar

October 7, 2013 at 7:17 pm

PS: (my comments are on page 9??) at the end of my 30 days NC and after his text with that link to a romantic song (useless thing to do at this stage!) I thought of sending him this reply and am seeking feedback from you on whether it’s ok, or nono.

Yes it’s a nice song, but why you sent it to me, I mean what you meant by it?
It’s lovely that you did, yet doesn’t sort things between us in any way.
I wish we could be friends, chats and share our thoughts and lives as we did; but I cannot compromise on how I feel for you and neither of us can be just a friend to the other.
I haven’t chosen how it is now, if I had options I’d chosen to be with you; you though had options and your choice was not to be with me.
So forgive me, but I don’t understand this message now.

Any suggestions, comments, corrections to make it work and get to the point? Or should I simply not answer (being the message doesn’t sort a thing!)?

Please help.

admin

October 8, 2013 at 2:14 am

I think that is not a bad idea at all actually. Though, it might be viewed as too emotional too soon.

If it were me I would totally disregard it and do things MY way instead of his. What I mean by that is you are basically talking about a text he sent (a text he controls.)
cristinar

October 8, 2013 at 8:49 am

I agree that it is emotional, but disagree on the too soon bit: after all he sent a link to a very romantic song, following almost a month of silence, right?
Clearly he wanted me to think of him, but doesn’t do much else and this is not ok. What’s the point of having me stuck on thinking, or he thinking of me?
It doesn’t sort things, it doesn’t clarify what’s going on in him.
So am torn between not answering at all and see if he grows some guts and do something else, or answering by saying something on the line of “what you meant to achieve by sending this text?”

What you think? ….oh dear, is it ever possible a 42 years old behaves like this? Look at me: trying to get out of a silly text what’s going on…. sad.
admin

October 9, 2013 at 1:58 am

Love makes you do the wacky hahaha!

I will just respond to your second comment.
cristinar

October 18, 2013 at 12:21 am

Commenting here just to say a HUGE thank you to both you Chris and Anonymous.
Your words mate had me thinking deep! Thanks, it’s great to find comfort and advice in dark moments 🙂
admin

October 18, 2013 at 6:34 pm

You are very welcome!

See, you are making friends on this site :).
Anonymous

October 10, 2013 at 5:11 pm

Christinar:

Ive read your last message and I can understand exactly where you’re coming from wanting them (the one who left) to take action and come back on their own (show you theyre willing to put in the work you are) as I’m in the same boat.

However, the way I look at it is that people are stubborn and confused and insecure (especially my ex GF) and you can’t be one of those people who thinks that things must work themselves out on their own if theyre meant to be. I know its a little different because my ex is female and yours is male, but I still believe if you truly want something to work you can’t give up or keep grudges etc. You’re both in emotional states and communication is so broken…

That is what this text system does. Its not about giving in to them and doing all of the work to win them back. Its about getting them to realize what theyre missing and how much they need you in their life. Then they start chasing after you. If you just want to sit around and wait, they could very well be on the verge of running back, but are just waiting for that extra push or sign to come back or keep moving on. If you don’t agree with me just google around for NC stories. There are dozens where people just went NC and sat, waiting, hoping their ex came back and never did, and if/when they finally did it was too late.

Were humans. We have egos and pride and it clouds our judgement. He cant see that you’re the best for him right now, but you can. So if you love him then you need to fight for him by sticking to the program. Its the only way he’ll truly come around and give you 100%.

Don’t be discouraged, and you shouldn’t even think about breaking NC until you can honestly tell yourself that you can live without him and you can love again, etc. You should be doing this because you WANT him back, not because you NEED him. This is the only way you can keep yourself from getting hurt again. You should have no expectations, and by being this “over” him it will actually allow you to think and act much more clearly and make you that much more desirable when you finally meet up because you wont have to “pretend” so hard that youre not still dying to be with him.

Good luck!
cristinar

October 10, 2013 at 9:34 am

Thanks for your reply, I didn’t take offence at all.
I am emotional over this breakup and very very confused.
The guys has been playing my mind around and hurt me badly.
He still plays with it, since I don’t believe a text to a song can be considered anything but a play. I’m not up for this any more.
I guess it is my fault that he continues, since before I’d have run back to him at the first word he’s say.
Well… it’s not any longer.
I wish to say to all that are going through a breakup that after the first few weeks of confusion and panic a bit of relief will come. You’ll be able to see more clearly what happened and – imagine so! – to think seriously about getting the person back, or not.
I realised that I don’t want an insensitive, selfish, immature man near me. Those who love you will not leave; they’ll stay and work things out WITH you. It’s ok to take some time off if things aren’t fine, but I see now that love works its magic and it’s either there, or not at all.
In my case I believe it was one sided. I’ll go out there now to find one that’ll be willing to meet mine half way, and go further together.
Good luck to all!
cristinar

October 9, 2013 at 2:34 pm

Sorry for my PS: To be honest, I don’t think I should be the one doing the work to get back together. Of course I want him; I – sadly – love him to bits. Yet, after a year doing all the work, I feel that if I try to get back with him on my own initiative (following the NC/first contact text etc) I’ll fall again into working things out for his benefit.
I got to the point where I believe that if he doesn’t come back of his own, than there’s no point for me trying to get him there.
He has to choose for himself if he wants to lose me, or have me, as he knows he can do both.
At the end of the day, I’m an amazing person and woman, I have guys chasing me and lots of friends and I don’t like to feel as second choice as it’s been lately.
I won’t initiate contact, I won’t reply to stupid texts (if any will come further down in time) and will see what else he’ll get to do in order to work FOR our relationship.
If he doesn’t… his loss.
Because I can assure you that he didn’t give much in this relationship and I have no intention to give more than I did, unless he’ll be INTO it full on.
Guess a month NC did wonder to me!
admin

October 10, 2013 at 1:29 am

Don’t take offense to this (I am not meaning to offend you) but I absolutely love how your so emotional about this. It is so interesting from my perspective because you have all these conflicting thoughts and it just illustrates how painful and disorienting a breakup can be for anyone.
cristinar

October 9, 2013 at 2:18 pm

Thought so!
I anyway didn’t want to reply to that text, what was suppose to mean?
He’s 42 and after a year keeping me on the fence I deserve much, much better than a stupid text with link to a song!
I’m not even sure I want to reply at all, I mean am not sure any more if I want such a jerk in my life.
🙁
admin

October 10, 2013 at 1:27 am

Hey, it is all up to you! The ball is in YOUR court and that is a good thing.
cristinar

October 8, 2013 at 8:52 am

PS: sorry read now the thing about the control (that he regained by sending that text).
So… I disregard the text, and after what do I do?
Am clueless at this point 🙁
admin

October 9, 2013 at 1:59 am

Okie doke, finish out whatever time you have left in NC and then disregard the text entirely. Send a first contact text message.

Stu

October 7, 2013 at 4:58 am

Hi Chris.
Your website is awesome. It’s really given me some hope.
I have every intention in maintaining the no contact rule but I owe him a fair bit of money… I’m just wondering if he contacts me about that during NC, should I reply or wait until after NC?
Not really sure how to approach this.
Thanks in advance for your advice. 🙂

Anonymous

October 8, 2013 at 7:32 am

Im sorry but I just had to laugh at this one because my ex actually owes me a “fair bit of money” and Im in no contact a few weeks now… but she left me. So I know you cant be her as it wouldnt make sense for her to follow NC or a plan for getting me back when she could just swallow her pride and tell me how she feels :p

In my opinion, just like when anyone barrows money it’s their responsibility to pay it back in a timely manner. The lender trusted you when they lent it and shouldn’t have to come looking for it or remind you. Trust is the most important thing you’re going to need to work on rebuilding with your ex in order for things to work out. So you definitely need to get it to them sooner than later. I say MAIL IT. Anything else makes it look like you’re using it as an excuse to see them.
admin

October 8, 2013 at 1:39 am

Maybe you get it taken care of before NC.

StuckInLove

October 7, 2013 at 4:54 am

I just want to remind everyone the EXTREME DANGERS of snooping into your ex’s personal life during NC…

I could type a story, but I dont want people to skip over this. ANY GOOD THAT CAN COME FROM SNOOPING UP INFO IS NOT WORTH IT! I promise you that it will only lead you to react emotionally, most likely in a negative way, and it will set you back in the healing process. Ignorance truly is bliss. NC is supposed to prove that. The only good you could get from their online posts is evidence that they miss you and I’ll save you the time, THEY DO MISS YOU. And if they miss you enough that they want you back then theyll contact you. Otherwise, this information is useless/redundant to you anyway. So dont waste your time.

Because I was weak and saw an opportunity to snoop I’ve read things that have had me in a fit of rage (twice now) and it took everything I had and some good friends to keep me from breaking NC (and this is usually late at night when I’m most vulnerable). However, there is no hard evidence for any of the suspicions I have. So it’s not worth pushing my ex away (who sadly after all this hurt I still love) for good on a hunch. My trust in her though (which used to be ironclad) is now shattered. So you can bet whenever the time comes that she’s interested in me again, I won’t even consider taking her back until I know the whole truth about EVERYTHING and I can all but guarantee I’ll never end up back in this position again. Even if I am the one who has to initiate first contact (which I think Ill have to because shes so stubborn). No one deserves to feel this hurt and betrayed by a girl (and continue to be kicked while theyre down) just because they let let the relationship get boring/routine and stopped showing her enough affection… So dont snoop!

After everything I’ve read I’m still back in the same mindset though and I want to proceed with my plan when my NC is up. So dont cloud your judgement with unnecessary snooping. It can only hurt you and your chances.

admin

October 8, 2013 at 1:38 am

Yea I tend to agree. Its a tough thing b/c on the one hand you want to be Facebook friends and all that so you can maybe use some jealousy tactics but then there is always a temptation to snoop and snooping can get in your head big time.
StuckInLove

October 8, 2013 at 5:56 am

Well you can still always use profile pics to your advantage and I know neither side can resist checking for changes in their public profile (even if they cant see much) as they want to see if you’re really doing better off without them, or hanging out with more attractive women/men than them, etc. It’s human nature to want to feed our ego’s and reassure ourselves we’re better off whether you were dumped or did the dumping. “A picture says a thousand words.”
admin

October 9, 2013 at 1:51 am

Haha I do that all the time and I am sure you do too. Look at profile pictures to see what is going on.
StuckInLove

October 8, 2013 at 6:08 am

I’d definitely advise in not staying FB friends during NC though as I dont believe jealousy should be the driving force in getting back your ex anyway. It doesnt give you both the full time to heal, process the old relationship, and mature/grow to start a stronger new one. So why risk the MANY negative repercussions of remaining FB friends when its really unnecessary for your primary goal of NC (loss/mystery)? It just keeps you apart of their life, even if youre not posting much.

parisa

October 6, 2013 at 11:50 pm

I broke up with him, 2 weeks ago. I haven’t contact him since then. It hasn’t been easy but I am getting a hang of it. I still do my daily routine, exercise and eat well. I am hoping this period of time give both of us a time to evolve and make better decisions later on.

StuckInLove

October 7, 2013 at 1:12 am

Sounds like maybe what you’re looking for is just a “split” or a “break” not a full on breakup if you still want to be with him in the end and he still wants you. If you just have some requirements of him (changes, growth, etc.) then I say good for you for not putting up with it! That is a smart move and one of the best ways to open your partners eyes and inspire growth, but if these are your only intentions and you opted for a full fledged breakup then youre putting unnecessary strain on the relationship as in it is now okay for you each to be intimate with other people.

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