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6,800 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”

  1. StuckInLove

    September 27, 2013 at 4:54 am

    Hey Chris, I wanted to say I appreciate the work you do on here and reading about similar situations online has really been helping me with my 30 days NC! Im 11 days strong! It’s been extremely tough with good and bad days, but I never let it show publicly. The worst is having no indication of how she is, what shes doing or if she misses me at all. Our final interactions she was very cold and awkward, but I’m hoping to receive at least one message by the 30 day mark to at least know she’s still thinking of me and maybe where I stand.

    Long story short, my gf and I dated a little over 2 years, lived together for 1. Over time I think she was so negative and unhappy with her personal life and I felt she resented me for mine (among other things) that I lost attraction and in turn stopped working at keeping hers and the passion alive. I really should have initiated a break myself earlier (and it may have turned around our relationship), but we were both kind of stuck financially and I wasn’t “unhappy”. So I let it go on. Like most couples in this spot we had little/no communication which was main culprit. Then, later down the road we get in some small stress induced fights, I apologize 2 days later, and the next day she shocks me by telling me she doesnt love me anymore and we need to break up. She packs her stuff and leaves without hesitation. The first couple days I was perfect (youd think I’d done it before). I was so shocked by the words that I literally said “okay… and went back to sleep.” The next few days were great I was working a lot and felt relieved like a burden had been lifted off my shoulders. Then I hit rock bottom. I chased, did text terrorism, pushed to be friends too soon etc. (trying to rush things before I lost her for good. and we were each other’s “firsts” so you can probably understand my fears :/) all for about 3 weeks-month after the breakup.

    I realized I was losing her more each day and needed help. So I took the the web, started learning and set a plan. I’ve gone through what feels like a complete emotional and spiritual transformation since then. I’ve grown so much mentally, realizing everything that went wrong in the relationship, things I wanted for us now, and getting back out and enjoying life, etc. I love so much about my ex and I see a future for us now I never saw before, but with all of the growth and reflection I’ve gone through I dont know if, given the chance, I’ll be able to take my ex back in the end. I’ll probably initiate after 30 days even if I dont hear anything, but if she hasn’t matured, taken some personal responsibility, or used this time to heal too (instead of just acting out immaturely as I fear she has…) then I see us ending up right back here again and I’ll have to make the tough decision and walk.

    Stay strong everyone! Remember that 30 days is more for you than it is for them! Don’t let them or thoughts of them ruin a good day for you. Keep growing mentally and physically. Get outside and just keep livin.

    1. admin

      September 28, 2013 at 2:41 am

      Hi there!

      I am glad you commented. Man, I am actually creating a site for people in your exact situation. Unfortunately, I will be working on it next year.

      You actually look like you have a pretty good grasp of everything. And I am glad you had the guts to comment. Do you need my help with anything in particular?

    2. StuckInLove

      September 28, 2013 at 7:31 pm

      Thanks Chris. I hope I have a good grasp by now after spending so much time reading everything I can get my hands on and processing my situation ha. Call me crazy, but I actually find it quite fascinating and the more I can learn now, even if I don’t get back with me ex, the better off I’ll be in future relationships! I guess the only thing I could gauge your thoughts on right now would be in terms of the time it may take my Ex to switch gears from that negative perception of me (as in even though she misses me sometimes she still feels im bad for her and she made the right move) to a more positive one where she’s more curious about me now and reconsidering bringing me back into her life…

      I know that recently she’s been doing a lot of things like mani/pedi, spa day with sister, spending time with family etc. as opposed to going out with friends a lot like she was right after the breakup. Im thinking this is a good sign that maybe that initial excitement of being newly single is starting to fade and she’s beginning to think and feel more emotional about her decision and loss. What would you say are the stages of grief or regret for the “dumper” over time?

    3. admin

      September 30, 2013 at 12:17 am

      Yes, sometimes it takes a while for someone to realize that their world with you was a whole lot better than their world without.

    4. StuckInLove

      October 1, 2013 at 7:43 pm

      I wanted to follow up with some recent developments. I’ve come to the sad realization that my ex is really going through GIGS (Grass is Greener Syndrome) and has changed her lifestyle (partying, “good girl gone bad”-her words… etc) and seems happy with this exciting, new, free and single college experience (that she was never able to have with me as we were together since late high school). With every day I don’t hear from her and see less signs of missing me in her online posts, I feel that I should just walk away in 2 weeks when my 30 days NC are up. People say GIGS takes minimum of 6 months and usually years for her to realize it’s a phase, not really “greener”, and she finally wants and feels ready for a romantic relationship. Also, that she’s simply not mature enough to have a loving relationship yet and can’t appreciate me or love until she dates other guys (which I agree too but that doesnt have to mean hooking up). Id like to think that she’s taking this time to get her life together and maybe even casually date to see what else is out there (and eventually realize what we had), but the realism is that she is immature and she is most likely just acting out, endlessly flirting, and hooking up with every guy she’s attracted to just to get it out of her system. And if thats the case I couldn’t take her back or trust her again no matter how much I still love her.

      My question for you Chris though is do you think it’s still worth me pursuing with my text plan once NC ends if theres little indication that she misses me/us, is curious about the new me, want’s to reconnect with me, or even date any guy seriously?

      The more I read about GIGS the more I want to tell myself to just walk away and accept that we simply met at the wrong time in our lives, this was likely to happen no matter what I did, and this is the best thing for her right now (even if she’ll come to regret it and want me back a long time from now). I guess when it comes down to it I have nothing more to lose, because if I walk away and do nothing to try to pull her back then I forget her completely in time and don’t take her back whenever she does eventually try to contact me. And if I go against all odds and attempt to contact her and compete for her heart again too early in this transition period for her then I still lose her.

      My only other thought was to maybe send a hand written letter after 30 days acknowledging and accepting her need to experience this and grow/mature etc and wish her well while encouraging she use it to make smart and responsible decisions (instead of just feeding her immaturity by acting like a slut, etc.) Which could lead her to some self reflection and possibly give us a slight chance in the future depending on how she acts and how quickly. Note: No matter what I wont take her back if she tells me she’s just used this time to hook up with a bunch of guys etc. That is not a requirement to the college growth experience (I didnt do it) and I’m not going to be someones fallback when they finally get tired of other guys and want to feel something again.

      She finally moved into her own apartment today (with a female friend) for the first time ever as she shared an apartment with me straight out of her parents. So I am hoping that maybe the next couple weeks will be somewhat of a rude awakening and inspire some loneliness when she see’s what living on your own really is. Also, she goes to community college which ironically has little sense of “community” not to say that will keep her from meeting and hanging out with guys because I know it wont. Anyway, just my two cents. To anyone else who thinks they may be dealing with a GIGS ex google it and read the signs. Basically if they were deprived of early life experiences or the typical college experiences, barely dated, dont really know what they want for their life, and now feel theyve committed too early and need to need to explore and experience this in their young 20s before they can know what they want.

    5. admin

      October 2, 2013 at 1:02 am

      Grass is greener syndome. I like that. I may steal that haha.

      I do still think that going through with the texting plan is the way to go. If it doesn’t work then we can adapt.

  2. Andy

    September 27, 2013 at 4:50 am

    I lied, I actually do have a few questions, but again I will try to keep this short. My ex and I dated for about 7 months. Our relationship was really happy. In fact, if anything I always kind of thought he loved me more than I loved him (he brought up marriage alot which was scary, and kept talking about future trips and plans and said the big L word first), I actually thought he was the one- I definitely took him for granted. Towards the last month I actually started to fall in love with him deeply but he got distant. One day out of no where he just txted me and told me it was over. No one saw it coming especially not me.His reasoning was “Ive felt the way I feel before with other exes and idk if this feeling will go away. I dont see a future with you.” That was a week and a half ago. I handled the break up very well. We exhanged our stuff two days after and I left him laughing instead of anger/sadness/etc. Afterall nothing is more attractive than a girl that can remain calm and composed in my opinion. Since then we have only spoke once however I think I blew it- it was yesterday. He asked a bunch of questions and carried on the convo but of course like an idiot I got confused as to why he was doing this and said “Please tell me if I cross any lines because I am unsure what I am and am not allowed to ask, but are we friends now? like have you moved on and all is good now- I guess I am asking because I want to know if the way I feel is normal or not” He didnt reply. I felt dumb so I sent a second txt being truthful (sorry if too much info)”sorry ignore that last txt, I am on my girl time and as you know a girls mind is a bit ridiculous during this week lol” still no reply. Since we broke up he has liked almost every pic I post on instagram however after yesterday he stopped liking any pics I post and I feel like I really blew it. Is there any hope.

    1. admin

      September 28, 2013 at 2:39 am

      There is hope. You just have to understand that getting him back won’t happen overnight. Have you read my latest post?

    2. Andy

      September 28, 2013 at 3:17 am

      yeah I understand that. I dont care how long it takes, I just want to do this right. I also have one more question. There is an event sunday that he will be at and I was invited to go as well and said I would be there, however I can not go if i need to. Would it look better if I go and be confident and do a simple smile and have a good time and he will see that or better for me to not go at all and him not see me?

    3. admin

      September 29, 2013 at 11:27 pm

      I would go! And you are spot on about being confident and all that stuff if you go.

    4. Andy

      September 30, 2013 at 4:00 pm

      So, I went. It was extremely fun and I made sure to leave early as well. He didnt speak to me but he did grab my cheek and try to dance with me after the event. Seeing him sucked in a way because Ive been doing good feeling wise and it made me fall in love with him all over again. Not to be cheesy but he is definitely one of those people who divide it from the time before you met them to the time after. I have never felt so far away from him until today. I know I will be fine without him, and I also know that I dont need him in order to be happy, but he makes me want to learn something new everyday just so if we get back together I can never get boring. And he makes me want to make myself pretty and happy. But I have never felt like it was really over for good until now. andddd I broke no contact and he wrote back and then I didnt reply and went to dinner with a guy friend and then replied later to his txt and he has ignored it since then. (not sure if going out to dinner with another guy had something to do with it even though hes just a friend.)I just feel like I blew it and I really feel like if he gave it a second shot our relationship would be extremely long lasting and good. I hate girls that ramble like I am so I apologize. I kind of just wanted to vent on here so I dont do it somewhere else. Ive never been so terrified that I lost him for good until now.

    5. admin

      October 1, 2013 at 3:18 am

      No worries for rambling. Everyone has stuff they want to talk about and I understand that.

      You didn’t blow it you just need to remain patient.

  3. Andy

    September 27, 2013 at 4:29 am

    I am going to keep this short and simple- During the month of no contact, should you also go “mia” on social networks such as facebook and instagram? Or is it good for him to see posts from you?

    1. Andy

      October 2, 2013 at 1:56 am

      welp, im back. I feel like for the most part I have handled our break up extremely well. For all he knows I feel like he thinks I am happy and moved on. Yeah I slipped on the no contact thing once but it wasnt with anything emotional or dramatic, and sunday I went to that event and he was there and was friendly to me and what not. We had agreed to remain friends after our break up and he liked almost every single instagram pic I posted and status I wrote on fabo (none of them relating to him or anything that may interest him). however after seeing him on sunday it is like he discovered this newfound hate for me or something. Or maybe it is just in my head but he stopped liking all my stuff, stopped giving me any sort of attention. It is like he is copletely fine and moved on and it sucks. I just found out that he is going on tour soon and my heart sank. I cant imagine who he will meet and I know I am fine without him but I still want him in my life because he encourages me to be the best me I have ever even known. I ont know what I did or why he randomly go distant but he did. It is like after he saw me he just decided I was scum or something. Atleas that is what it seems like because he distanced himself so far. I have not contacted him or heard from him in two days which I know is nothing but its something for him. I dont know what is going through his head. I want another chance and I am willing to do what it takes fo rit however i am simply terrified of the thought that the more time I go no contact he will slowly forget me and move on to another girl. Its so scary. Ive read everything you have written and I agree with it all and I am following it all however I have never felt so much doubt or distance from him until today. It is overwhelming. Is he really fine and dandy and moved on already? Sorry for all the emotions. I know guys hate that shit I just would rather lash them out here than anywhere else.

    2. admin

      October 3, 2013 at 12:22 am

      You don’t have to apologize. I wish I knew how he was feeling exactly so I could tell you hahaha. One thing I know though is that sometimes these things just take time so I am going to give you the worst advice ever… be patient.

    3. admin

      September 28, 2013 at 2:38 am

      No you shouldnt.

      It is good for him to see posts from you but you can’t talk to him.

    4. Mak

      September 28, 2013 at 12:36 pm

      But what if she has blocked me from social network sites.. I mean she herself blocked everything… and the last word she said is she hates me.. and I just cant stop loving her… what to do now?

    5. admin

      September 29, 2013 at 11:48 pm

      Give her time. Feelings can change on a dime trust me (especially if it is a girl.) You can get back on social netowkrs after NC.

  4. Haley

    September 27, 2013 at 1:54 am

    I got new phone, thus causing me to have to get a new number.
    I sent out a group message to all my previous contacts, which included him just letting everyone know my new number..
    Does that count for breaking the no contact rule?
    I didn’t reply to any of his texts that came after that, and he got pretty upset but I resisted.

    Do I need to start over on the 3o days?

    1. admin

      September 27, 2013 at 6:13 am

      No that is a legitimate reason I think so you don’t have to start NC over again.

  5. Bobby131

    September 26, 2013 at 4:02 pm

    Hi Chris,

    My ex and I were together for 9 months. The first few months were absolutely amazing, then the last half of the relationship went back and forth. There were minor issues in our relationship that turned into enough negativity that it came down to her telling me, “I think we need to take some time to figure out what we both want, im not talking about a day or two, im talking about a month or two.”

    She say’s with the problems we’ve had, that it’s hard to go backwards in our relationship, and her exact words were- “unless enough space brings us back together.” Does this mean that she is still emotially invested and wants to work out? What are you getting from this?

    About a week after we split, I decided to look at a dating site, (not set up a profile) but just look and see what was out there, and believe it or not, I found HER profile. She told me that she was hurting and wanted something to do in the midst of our breakup. She said she doesnt want to go out on dates, but wanted some people to talk to. This obviously worries me that she might meet someone else and fall for them, all while im giving her space and waiting for her to come around.

    It’s been close to a week and a half since the last time we talked and im going crazy. Do you recommend that I text or call to ask her out after the 30 day’s just to catch up?

    1. admin

      September 27, 2013 at 5:54 am

      Yes I do recommend you finish out the 30 days.

      After you finish though I don’t suggest you call out of the blue. Send a text and slowly build up to asking her out. Your chances of success increase that way.

  6. Nadie

    September 26, 2013 at 1:46 pm

    Chris,

    My ex and I broke up about five weeks ago (for a variety of reasons, none of them good). As part of the back story, we had been together for six years and were on the verge of getting engaged. He has been going through some hard things outside of our relationship(constructive demotion at work, forced move, hitting a major milestone birthday and something else that i can’t really put my finger on).

    Prior to the break up he had been treating me pretty badly for a while – and he is currently “seeing” (or at least sleeping with) at least one other person since we broke up (if not before, it’s not entirely clear to me). Our relationship — up until about two months before we ended — was wonderful. Then he had a sudden personality shift that affected everything in his life, including our relationship, his friendships, his hobbies…When we broke up I pretty much backed him into a corner (due to how he had been treating me) and he told me that he “wanted to be on his own.”

    Now, he is moving (out of the apartment we have shared for three years) to a different city – something that he doesn’t want to do. He wants to stay in my life and be–as he put it — “best friends” and then potentially “rekindle” if he can ever get there again. I want to be able to support him through this time period, because I truly care for him and don’t want abandon him (despite his actions). I think he needs a constant right now. Also, I’m not ready to let go. However, I know that we will need to do NC eventually, for both of our own good.

    My question is: would you recommend starting NC immediately, even though he is struggling and moving to this new city on his own? Or, should I hold off until he is a bit more settled?

    Thanks,
    Nadie

    1. admin

      September 27, 2013 at 5:44 am

      Hmm… this is a tough one but I say you should do NC.

  7. Susan

    September 26, 2013 at 2:54 am

    My situation is a bit different, so I’m not sure if this plan will work…
    I met Pete one weekend while he was on a break from his GF, I didn’t know it was just a break at the time. He seemed really interested, and I thought there actually might be something there. I took a 3 week trip and when I came back he was engaged to his ex. It lasted 2 weeks and he realized it wasn’t what he wanted.
    I saw him the day after his breakup and he approached me saying that he thought the engagement might fix his relationship, but it wasn’t what he wanted and asked if he could just get to know me better. But I planned on moving in just 3 weeks to my home state. He set about changing my mind. After 3 weeks, I decided to stay and he went cold. He said he wasn’t ready for a relationship. I stuck around, realizing I was “the rebound”. Then, as a single man, he started talking to another girl. He still texted and talked to me, and he would still sleepover. Until recently, this past weekend, he went home with her. He says she isn’t his GF and he still doesn’t want to be in a relationship. If I text or snapchat him. He always responds. Before he left with her, he even told me he wanted to go home with me and he cared about me, not her. But of course, his actions said something different since he left with her. I decided to nc him yesterday, but her car is at his house right now.
    So can I, the former very temporary gf who was actually the rebound later turned into a fwb, get him back as a boyfriend using your suggestions? We’re just friends at the point, but I’m sure he thinks he can sleep over whenever he wants still. Trust me, now that I know they’re sleeping together, there is no chance, but he also isn’t asking for that with this new girl in his life.
    Help!

    1. admin

      September 27, 2013 at 3:27 am

      Before I say anything I want to ask you a question. By any chance have you read this page yet?

  8. Someone

    September 26, 2013 at 12:21 am

    Hey Chris

    I’m curious. What if both parties are using the NC tactic? What’s going to happen?

    1. admin

      September 26, 2013 at 3:28 am

      Well, if you read my E-Book you would see that I always suggest you break NC after 30 days and begin the recovery process. But if both parties use it then its a NC war hahaha.

    2. Someone

      September 26, 2013 at 4:38 am

      Hahaha it’s called the love game not for no reason! One more question: What if during the NC period the guy texted or called to say he regretted the breakup and wants a reconcile? Does the girl continue the NC till the end? Or there might be chance to reconcile straight away?

    3. admin

      September 27, 2013 at 3:47 am

      I would take him back after all the point is to try to get him back. However, you have to understand there are sometimes risks with getting back together too soon.

  9. Autumn

    September 25, 2013 at 11:32 pm

    How does the no contact rule work with long distance relationships?

  10. Sally

    September 25, 2013 at 12:07 pm

    i bumped into my ex again and i dropped him hoem and then we ended up kissing and i told him i still love him… he said he needed to get things out of his system.. and i asked him ‘do you think we will ever get back together?’.. he said ‘i wouldnt rule it out’ he is really hvaing his cake and eating it here, i.e. he knows thathe can have me whenever he feels like it and therefore it doesnt matter to him that we are not speaking… i have now changed my train times in order to prove i dont need to see and speak to him anymore. Do you think this will work? what do you think he really meant by what he said? was he just syaing that to tell me whta i wanted to hear?

    1. admin

      September 26, 2013 at 2:51 am

      I can’t guarantee it will work all the time (noone can) but it has worked incredibly well for other people.

  11. tina

    September 25, 2013 at 7:38 am

    we had a misunderstanding and had less contact for past 3 months.But he used to call me and something like hes missing me etc.Nowdays he ignored me and i askedwhether u hav a new galfriend.He said yes and he is going to propose her.I told lets reunite and marry.But he told he dont want me anymore and i got sad and cut the phone and blocked him.He tried calling 9 times the first day and just once the second day.After that no contacts frm his side.and I blocked him in fb also.Watto do.Is there any chance for him to come back.He might be chatting with his newgf 🙁

    1. admin

      September 26, 2013 at 2:47 am

      You might want to read some of the other pages on this site.

  12. Dan

    September 24, 2013 at 9:06 pm

    If she is texting me am I supposed to ignore it during NC? I wasn’t clear on that.

    1. admin

      September 25, 2013 at 1:16 am

      Yea, you are supposed to ignore it haha.

  13. Alexis

    September 24, 2013 at 5:58 pm

    What do you do if you and your ex have the same group of friends and hang out at all the same places? And what if I see him out or hanging out with our friends during the 30 days? Do I talk to him if he talks to me first, do I just steer clear of him?

    1. admin

      September 25, 2013 at 1:10 am

      Do your best to steer clear of him.

  14. Devon

    September 24, 2013 at 5:50 pm

    Hi
    I just found your site and I’m so glad because it’s giving me the reinforcement I need. I’m a few days shy of the 30 day mark But there’s this feeling of wanting to respond. A little back story: we dated for 7 months and got engaged for a year. We were fighting alot and he didn’t want to schedule a day for wedding. We had some other issues so I left but did all the things you’re not supposed to. We talked when he called, I went back to see him and stayed with him. That went on for most of the year until last month I decided I was done responding cus nothing had changed. The first wk he wrote me and when I didn’t write back, he asked why and with no response he said he was going to call me but never did because he wrote again asking me for my number. Then he went silent until recently. He just wrote me as if nothing is wrong but the message is so vague and says nothing about how he feels. I went on my first date last week in 2 yrs and it was so nice. I guess I just want to know if I’m doing the right thing. I don’t know what comes after this but the NC period has helped me realize I want a guy who really wants me. I’m bummed cus I really thought he was the one and we would be married by now. Would appreciate any input and thoughts. Thanks.

    Dev

    1. admin

      September 25, 2013 at 1:09 am

      Yea, breakups suck don’t they :/.

      What have you done during NC to evolve? What do you plan on texting him?

    2. Devon

      September 26, 2013 at 4:20 am

      I’ve focused on my career and gotten back on my feet cus I gave up everything for him so it’s beena long journey to getting my career and life on track but I’m finally in a great place. I have my friends back and I’m taking care of myself. He wrote saying he’s in the state I live in but not where he is exactly. I feel like sending hima message would just open the door for a conversation that will lead no where. Sigh. I have no idea what to say to him text or otherwise but there is a pull to try to have us be in contact but maybe that’s just the little bit of hope I have left for us..

    3. admin

      September 27, 2013 at 3:43 am

      What are your texts to him usually like?

  15. Anna

    September 24, 2013 at 11:16 am

    Hey.. So I got together with my bf July last yr and broke up just before Xmas. He was wooing me for 5mths and he was all sweet and attentive. But after we got together, I realized he wasn’t all that interested in me anymore. Constant fights and cold wars led us to a break up. He prioritize his friends above me too. He continued his life as usual, picking up new hobbies. I guess he moved on pretty well. However,this yr he came looking for me right around his birthday in April. We patched things up and was OK for a while. Well.. until he started being cold and lose interest in me again. We went for trips together and all, but somehow I just can’t seem to be able to connect with him after we patched things up. Before the patch up, we talked and agreed on some ‘ground rules’. Seems like he threw everything out the window once he gotten that second chance.. why is he acting this way? Is the NC rule gonna be of any help with a guy like him? I’ve stopped all contact with him. But he is still on my twitter and I do check out his instagram and twitter alot..

    1. admin

      September 25, 2013 at 12:51 am

      Yes, I would still implement it in your case.

    2. Anna

      September 25, 2013 at 1:57 am

      thanks for your reply! appreciate it.. may I just ask another question.. What happens if at the end of the 30days NC, he moves on? I started this NC so I can keep my distance and make him initiate the first move to have a proper conversation. He hasn’t so far and have also stopped contacting me. Even locked up his instagram..

    3. admin

      September 26, 2013 at 2:30 am

      Well, then you are supposed to recreate attraction so he can fall for you again.

  16. Michelle

    September 24, 2013 at 4:36 am

    On day 8 of attempt #2 of NC, and I bumped into my ex and a mutual friend on campus. The exchange was definitely awkward and maybe even more disheartening

    1. admin

      September 25, 2013 at 12:36 am

      It is still very early in this NC just be patient 🙂

  17. Christine

    September 24, 2013 at 2:57 am

    I’m not sure what’s up with my boyfriend of 4 months. He wigged out on my late last week, and he said he is thinking about the relationship. He proceeded to rip me apart for things like trying to help him. He became irate after I told him that he didn’t need to tear me down if he wanted out. He swore and hung up the phone on me. Then he immediately texted an apology, to which I did not respond. There has been no contact since this happened Saturday afternoon. He took down the “in a relationship” part of his facebook profile today, presumably so I would see it.

    Given that he hasn’t ACTUALLY said that he wants out of the relationship and neither have I, does the full 30 day no contact rule apply here? Or should I presume I was informed of being dumped by facebook?

    Despite the fact that he’s being a complete child right now, things were awesome up until last week. I mean… almost perfect. All of the good reasons to get back together (if we’ve broken up) apply here.

    I await your sage advice with bated breath!

    1. admin

      September 25, 2013 at 12:31 am

      bated breath!

      Wow that was new haha.

      I still think you should do it!

  18. Alexis

    September 23, 2013 at 9:50 pm

    Hi there. So I have been reading your website and it has definitely been helpful. My story about my ex and I goes as follows:

    We met in mid-January of this year and we started dating exactly 3 weeks after we had met, so the first week of February. I am his very first real relationship. He has never had a girlfriend before and he is a very trustworthy and respectable guy. He never really dated in high school and mainly focused on his grades. I was the first girl who said yes to him when he wanted to hang out with me more. He had been rejected multiple times before I told him yes. We hung out all of the time and we never fought. If we had a small disagreement, which only happened twice, we made sure to sit down and talk about it and then everything was figured out. We always handled our issues maturely and we never yelled at each other. We were always good about making sure to smooth things over so that we didn’t let it build up over time, which was a huge quality I loved about him.

    In April, he told me that he had fallen in love with me and he said it first. I responded by saying that I had fallen in love with him too. It was the most incredible feeling in the world. He was the guy that I could always be myself around. He didn’t care about the makeup and the looks; he cared about me, for who I was as a person and he told me I was beautiful every single day. I became very close with his family and they became close with me and told me, and us, that they saw just how much we were meant to be together and how comfortable and easy our relationship was. We hung out all summer. He had work during the week, which was a good time for us to be apart, and then on the weekends I would be at his house with him and his family.

    Everything was perfect. I never had to ask him to do anything and he was always willing to take me on a date. We made sure to go to dinner at least once on the weekends so we could have time to ourselves and the rest of the time we would spend with his family and our friends. He was the first guy I had ever introduced to my parents and they loved him and he told me how much it meant to him to have been able to meet them and be the first guy to have met them. My Mom met both of his parents and they all got along so well and his Mom and my Mom constantly told me how much they liked each other and how much they got along, which was incredible. I told me ex that it meant a great deal for my Mom to have met his parents because that was a huge step in the right direction for our relationship and he completely agreed with me and said it meant so much to him.

    Three weeks ago, actually the 1st day of September, he sat me down and told me that he believed we needed to break up. It was completely out of the blue. He had talked to his family the day before and was crying and very upset over the situation because he knew that he was going to hurt me because of how much he knew I was in love with him. It was the hardest thing, he told me, that he had ever done. He told me that the feelings he had in the beginning of the relationship weren’t there anymore and they had been coming on for a couple of weeks. We were together 7 months, but our relationship was very serious. He knew what I wanted in somebody and realized that, right now, he couldn’t be that for me. He told me that he still really really cares about me and he respects me so much, but for him, the love isn’t there right now.

    Yes, it’s the cliche of, “It’s not you, it’s me,” but it is actually true. His Mom told him to be 100% honest with me and he was.

    I have been trying to do better. The first week was extremely hard and I have definitely had my “moments” where I just break down because I remember what we had. I see him most of the time in passing because we go to the same college. We aren’t in the same classes, but when we do see each other we always smile, wave, and say hi to each other.

    The only other times I have seen him were one week after we broke up and we were at the same party and the following weekend at our college’s football game. I was one bleacher in front of him.

    We have talked, but not about anything to do with the relationship. His fraternity had a large party 2 days ago and I told him I was going, but if he was uncomfortable with it to let me know, which he did and said that it would be easier for him for me to not be at things for his fraternity right now. He and I have not contacted each other since.

    His 21st birthday is this weekend and I’m planning on getting him something very small, but my friend is going to give it to him so I avoid contact with him. It’s just the thought, I believed, that counts especially on such a big day for him.

    I want to try and do the NC rule, but is giving him a birthday present breaking that rule? I’m not acting needy and asking him to see me and I’m not expecting him to say anything to me after he gets his present, but I just wanted to do that for him because I care about him and I know he cares about me.

    Since one week ago, I feel like that has become the no contact rule because I haven’t texted or called him once and the only time we have ever been “in contact” is when we say hi to each other in passing because I don’t want to be mean and ignore him and he feels the same way.

    I’ve been told to just give him the time and space he needs so that he can figure out if he made the right decision, which I believe he did not (obviously), but I’m clearly willing to respect that in order for him to contact me so that we can talk things over.

    Is it possible for us to get back together? I believe in second chances and I believe in the saying of, “distance makes the heart grow fonder.” Heck, his Mom told me to just have fun, go to the gym, and do things with friends (which I have been doing, actually!) and something will click in his brain that says, “Wow. I’m really missing out on the most incredible thing that happened to me.” I know I can’t hold on super tightly to the belief of us reconciling to be more than just friends, but I still believe in it.

    Tell me I’m doing everything right and if there’s more advice I need, I would seriously appreciate it! Please let me know if, so far, I have been taking the right steps for us to reconcile and at least try to figure things out.

    Thanks so much!

    1. admin

      September 24, 2013 at 3:03 am

      Whoa that was long.

      Haha…

      You are doing a lot right.

      Let me ask you specifically what are you doing during NC? This is really important.

      Also, have you picked up PRO?

    2. Alexis

      September 24, 2013 at 6:29 am

      Haha I’m sorry! I do apologize for how long it was…I just figured I needed to be specific so I could have better help figuring out what to do.

      Specifically what I’m doing with NC? Well, it’s been a week since we texted. That was about his whole thing about me being at fraternity parties, so I told him I was going to respect him and give him that space that he needs. That was last Monday. Since that day, we have not talked through phone, text, Facebook, anything. Like I said, we see each other around campus and smile, wave, and say hi. That’s the only form of contact we have had. I have friends who are in his fraternity so I see them every now and then. Early on it was about our relationship, but I know I have to stray away from saying anything about it because that would make me look too needy and weird. I am good friends with one of his roommate’s girlfriend’s and she told me that he had been trying to have her tell me things that he wanted to say to me because he was afraid of looking like a jerk and she told him it’s not her job to play messenger. I haven’t asked her to tell him anything from me because that’s not fair to her. But she and I talked and she told me she was totally fine with giving him his 21st birthday present from me. It was just going to be a couple six packs of his favorite beer and that’s it. Nothing too big.

      The interesting thing is that he definitely still cares about me and respects me and I know that those are extremely true. He hasn’t unfriended me from Facebook, untagged pictures he’s in with me, nothing like that because he didn’t want to. He wanted to keep those up because they were memories. That says a lot about who he is as a person. He really truly does care about me and doesn’t want to be out of my life.

      I mean, I was his first everything, to put it plainly. I have been in a relationship before and it was the worst thing that had ever happened and then I met this guy and everything changed and he knew exactly who he was to me in my life.

      Just…what do I do in order for him to contact me so that we can talk about things? I mean, his feelings changed, but I do believe that if I take the right steps the feelings he had in the beginning can come back.

      No, I haven’t picked up PRO because I feel that this website has already been extremely helpful just clicking around and reading different pages, which is good enough for me.

    3. admin

      September 25, 2013 at 12:38 am

      Thanks for being honest!

      Well, after your NC you want to send him a text thats interesting to get him to respond. Use some of the initial texting examples on the site.

    4. Alexis

      September 26, 2013 at 4:15 am

      Ok. Thank you so much for your help! I really appreciate it. This definitely helped me in the types of steps I need to take in order for us to reconnect. Thanks again!

    5. admin

      September 27, 2013 at 3:40 am

      Feel free to check out the success section (for inspiration) or grab the E-Book for more in-depth instructions.

      Also, if you need anything else don’t hesitate.

    6. Alexis

      September 25, 2013 at 2:09 am

      Really? Even if it’s not my place to be initiating contact? Just with our history, I’m not sure if it should be my place to start up the contact :/ that’s what I’m nervous about because I really don’t want to mess up a friendship or hopefully, get back into a relationship that could happen in the future.

    7. admin

      September 26, 2013 at 2:32 am

      Well obviously noone knows your situation better than you do but I do think you should initiate contact eventually.

  19. keke

    September 23, 2013 at 7:36 am

    Hint boyfriend wanted a break from the relationship which I don’t know why he wanted one and I been wondering why he wanted one? We been together for a year and three months and we been on this break for two weeks now going on three he texts me everyday and when we text we fuss and I think he seeing other peoples so should I still do the.no contact rule?

    1. admin

      September 24, 2013 at 2:27 am

      Absolutely you should!

  20. LOSTHOPE

    September 23, 2013 at 2:10 am

    Hi Chris
    My ex came to my life cause he got bored with his gf who he was dating for 8 years. He was still seeing her even after I came to his life. This cause us to fight so many times after after dating for 6 months I brokeup with him.I know it is stupid but I can’t stop missing him and still love him unconditinaly. I felt like I didn’t give us enough time to grow . I bought your book and started NC. It has been 25days of NC and none of us has contacted eachother. He is seeing his gf ( who he cheated on cs of me) more frequently these days and I don’t know if there is still any hope for me. If he doesn’t contact me after 30 days should I still text him? or move on? I am afraid that he will just want to be frs with me . In that case should I admit that fact that there is no chance to have him back?

    1. admin

      September 24, 2013 at 2:14 am

      Follow the plan in the book!

      That means after 30 days you need to contact him but the way I said in the book.

    2. LOSTHOPE

      September 24, 2013 at 3:48 am

      what if he just wants to be friends? Should I acccept him as a friend?

    3. admin

      September 25, 2013 at 12:34 am

      If that is what you want. If you think you can.

    4. LOSTHOPE

      September 25, 2013 at 4:00 am

      I won’t be able to see him as frs.I am just afaraid that fact that he would just want to be frs with me because of the other woman he cares. I am so devasted right now and sometimes I feel like saying these lines to him which is :’ I have wasted my time on you, you don’t deserve my love’ and you are a looser’. How do think he will React? Is he going to be jelous or think he lost me? Chris how would u react or think of me if it was u?

    5. admin

      September 26, 2013 at 2:38 am

      I think you are just going to make him angry if you say that stuff to him and you might potentially screw up your chances.

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