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The Complete Guide For Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back
How To Make Him Miss You After A Breakup
The Ungettable Girl
The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)
The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule
The Male Mind AFTER The No Contact Rule
What Your Ex Boyfriend Says Vs. What He Really Means
Here’s Exactly What He’s Thinking During The No Contact Rule
What To Do If Your Ex Boyfriend Blocks You
Signs My Ex Wants Me Back
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Bryana
December 6, 2013 at 4:01 pm
Hey Chris,
So my ex-boyfriend and I were dating for two years. I was his first serious girlfriends and his first for many other things in the relationship world. We had a great relationship, actually became best friends. I was very close to his family, as he was mine. We did everything together, we actually went to the Bahamas this past summer.
I made a mistake and broke up with him about 2 months ago. I had so much on my mind and became super confused with what I was doing with my life. I’m graduating college next semester and just felt overwhelmed. As a result, I pushed my ex away and left him in the dark. I admit I was wrong. He chased me for those two month, we talked every day .. we were still “friends”. He took me out a few times in the 2 month time frame, bought me flowers, we kissed. I told him we could eventually work on things & that I still loved him.
So anyway one day after he took me out to the movies, I texted him the next day & thanked him for taking me to the movies. He was being very short with me and I sensed something was wrong so I kind of backed off for a week and a half. I texted him that week and a half later after not hearing from him, just to say hi. He totally ignored me. So the next day I was pretty upset and just said somethings to get a reaction .. just so he’d say something. He then responded saying that he had already moved on and was seeing someone new. IN A MATTER OF 2 WEEKS. I was devastated. & to kick me while I was down, he said he didn’t love me anymore. I understand that I hurt him, but was that even necessary. I’ve never felt so low in my life. Because I genuinely so care and love him.
So it’s been about 3 weeks now since everything has happened. He doesn’t really reach out to me. I have had time to think about everything and I did eventually reach out and apologize for my behavior for the breakup and gave him answers to why I did what I did. And now .. he put in in the friend zone. Which makes me wonder .. is this rebound of a few weeks that serious that he doesn’t want anything to do with me & basically throw away 2 great years.
I’m on day 2 of the NC rule .. I just don’t know if its worth trying to save. Has too much time gone on? Is he really over me like he claims? Is this rebound that serious in a few weeks. Does he really not love me anymore after all we’ve been through? He even brought her around family on Thanksgiving & posted a picture on instagram.
Help!
admin
December 6, 2013 at 8:11 pm
I have something coming up that may be super helpful for you.
Louise
December 6, 2013 at 11:47 am
Hi Chris,
Firstly what a great site and hello from the UK! – it’s been a great help since my ex broke up with me. Anyway hoping you can help…
I was with my ex for 5 months before he broke up with me a month ago because he said I didn’t trust him. I’d been going thru some issues and instead of talking to him about them I just took it out on him instead. I asked him if I’d pushed him too far and he said Yes. He then did the whole “we just need some time apart”, “if we’re meant to be we’ll be” spiel. Wants to be friends etc.
I think I have done quite well since the break-up; I haven’t bombarded him with texts begging for another chance and promising I will change etc Infact I have been aware that doing this could backfire on me!
A few days after the break-up a friend told me that she saw his profile back on an online dating site (we met online) and this hurt because I couldn’t believe he was moving on so quickly; however it gave me more reason not to contact him.
Last week I had agreed to meet up with him so he could give me my birthday present (my birthday was the day after the break up – good timing!). I only replied to one text. Told him to let me know when he was free. I didn’t hear from him and on Sunday just gone I decided to delete him from Facebook and Twitter because of the amount of girls he had been adding – obviously from the online dating site. He doesn’t know that I know about his online dating profile (although my well meaning friend did tell me last week that he had now deleted it).
The day after I deleted him (Monday) he went and blocked me on Facebook. He then text me on Tuesday – When we were together he would send me random videos of what he was upto during the day and that’s what he sent on Tuesday. I haven’t responded.
What I want to know is why would he block me on Facebook now that I’ve deleted him but then text me after? What should my next move be? I worry that I have ruined my chances now that he’s no longer on my FB.
Appreciate your advice!
admin
December 6, 2013 at 8:06 pm
To me it just seems like a normal guy thing to do..
Louise
December 6, 2013 at 9:23 pm
so is it ok to text him without him thinking I’m crazy? Ha! NC Is up next week!
admin
December 7, 2013 at 7:28 pm
As long as NC is up and you are very smart about your texts… absolutely.
Cate
December 5, 2013 at 10:53 pm
…so how do you get a stubborn guy back?…especially if you go to school with him?
eye contact?lol
admin
December 6, 2013 at 7:38 pm
Patience and a lot of smart approaches to convos and maybe a little jealousy.
D'Nique
December 9, 2013 at 11:49 pm
So in other words you’re telling him I must approach him first?
admin
December 10, 2013 at 6:56 pm
I am saying sometimes this is what it takes.
LILLY
December 5, 2013 at 9:56 pm
Ok what if NC worked, my ex came back, said he loved me and wanted to be with me but then dumped me all over again (probably because I became really clingy). Can it work even if a guy says “I am going to stay far far away from you and never contact you again”?????
admin
December 6, 2013 at 7:33 pm
I guess if he chooses to never contact you or reply to you ever again that would be bad but I have only heard of that happening once in over 20,000 situations.
lizzie
December 5, 2013 at 12:51 pm
Hi Chris, my Boyfriend (also Chris) broke up with me the day before yesterday. We weren’t together long, in fact we dated two months, but we’re only “officially” BF/GF for just over a week before he ended it (how mortifying!) I’m questioning whether the NC rule would apply given the reasons he gave for our breakup, or if i should just move on with no thought of us ever working it out? He had a gambling addiction, and went to meetings every week. I know he said he lost everything and really hurt his parents a year ago when it was really bad, and that he hates himself for it. Everything was great, he said i made him happy and feel good about himself. Then something in his meeting last week made him think of the future and freak out. He ended it because he said if he messed up again it would be worst that last time, and he’s hurt me too this time, and could cause me to lose everything. He said he needed to be on his own and not close to anyone because he “needed to feel safe”. He said i was never anything but amazing, that i made him happy but his head was a mess and he wanted to be alone, but was 100% certain he was doing the right thing by ending it. I believe its genuine, he was crying, and he spent 4 hours talking to me after breaking it off. Is there any hope the NC rule would work on him given these issues? He’s convinced he’s gonna mess up “like he’s always done”! Any male input would be most appreciated on the subject, because this has all confused the hell outta me!! Thanks Chris 🙂
admin
December 5, 2013 at 7:07 pm
Yes I thikn NC can work.
lizzie
December 5, 2013 at 8:32 pm
Thanks Chris, all your guides on here are great, and insightful, and i spent a good hour and a half reading them all today. Personally I’ve decided to do NC to get over it, not because i want him back. I mean why would i want to be with someone who’s stupid enough not to be able to see how great i am? I’m not a pathetic little girl who’s gonna devote that much time waiting round for someone to decide they want me. Good luck to all the girls out there, but have a bit more self respect and do NC for yourself, not some guy 🙂
admin
December 6, 2013 at 7:26 pm
Lizzie that is really the whole point of the NC. Not doing it for the guy but doing it for yourself! Glad you read between the lines and figured that out :). I am cheering for you to get over this.
anonymous
December 4, 2013 at 4:39 am
I did NC on my ex for a few wks at first. Till he called me and we started talking for awhile. Then i did NC on him again for one month. During which he bothered me on facebook and texted me. Now i’m planning to do NC again. I’m wondering how effective can NC be if you keep feeling the need to have to do it? Does all of what is said in this guide applies to men whose ex gfs keep doing NC on them?
admin
December 5, 2013 at 1:03 am
If you keep having to do it over and over again it gets less and less effective though I don’t have person experience with that particular case I just have seen it happen to other people.
Belle
December 6, 2013 at 1:02 am
I have a question for you Chris, do you as a guy think it’s possible to get your ex to come back numerous times (if he says you’re the love of his life and soulmate)! (Long story, but we’ve had a lot of external and relationship stress through our time together), so we’ve broken up twice already and both times he’s come back…I’m in NC with him now, and have been for 3 weeks. Thoughts? Is hope gone?
admin
December 6, 2013 at 7:48 pm
Yes I think history is actually on your side hahahaha.
Natalie
December 3, 2013 at 6:37 pm
Chris your blog is literally the only thing that is giving me hope. My ex and I broke up a year ago, kept in touch now and then and last month when I told him I wanted to get back together he became veeery stubborn and said No Way. He is dating casually other girls. Im heartbroken. we were together for 3 years. I was the one who broke up with him because we were fighting. But I never stopped loving him and never really thought I could actually lose him forever. I begged him constantly last month for like 40 days when I realized I had lost him and he ignored me and rejected me everytime. I stopped completely yesterday because that´s when I found your blog. I want to try the NC rule and see if he misses me. I don´t know what to do. Is it possible for me to get him back?
admin
December 5, 2013 at 12:27 am
Of course it is. Obviously it won’t be easy BUT I think you have a shot definitely.
Natalie
December 5, 2013 at 1:29 pm
Thank you!. I think I should do NC for 90 days, given how strongly he rejected me and how much I begged him. What do you think its best in my case? 30, 60 or 90 ? Also, the summer is starting right here where I live, so those 90 days would be the entire summer, and I’m sure he is gonna choose to have fun. So how many days of NC do you recommend in my case?
admin
December 5, 2013 at 7:07 pm
30 days is usually what I recommend.
Carissa Marimon
December 3, 2013 at 6:03 pm
Hey Chris !
First off I wanted to say I love your website. I found out about your website a couple days ago, and I could stop reading it. 🙂
I do have a question for you. My boyfriend broke up with me On November 24. I have been doing the NC rule ever since the day we broke up, (And oh my is it ever hard to not contact him, but I gotta do it in order for me to want him back). Anyways what I was getting at was, his birthday is December 17. And I was wondering should I send him a text message on his birthday just to say Happy Birthday. Or continue doing the NC thing with him ? I know that the day of his birthday will be 24 days of NC almost a month, so iunno if I should or not.
Thanks Chris !!
admin
December 5, 2013 at 12:26 am
No just message him after your NC is up.. simple as that!
Carissa Marimon
December 5, 2013 at 2:42 am
Really? Even though his birthday falls on the 3rd week of NC. You think I should wait that extra week of NC.
Also don’t you think it’s rude not to say Happy Birthday ? Lol
admin
December 5, 2013 at 6:39 pm
It may be a little rude BUT sometimes you have to be rude to get your point across.
Carissa Marimon
December 5, 2013 at 2:48 am
Like I mean, if I don’t send him a message saying happy birthday, wouldn’t he think that I don’t care about him anymore, and that I’ve moved on ?
Kate
December 3, 2013 at 3:35 am
Hi Chris, I dated this guy for 7 months. However he never dated me exclusively, there was always another girl in the background but i was more like his main girl. He gave me all hope that one day me and him would get into a serious relationship until he broke it off with me 2 days before thanksgiving to be with the other girl. He gave the speech that ” I deserve better, it’s the best choice for us, and lastly he wants to be friends.” I am on my 4th day of no contact. But since we were never boyfriend and girlfriend, will a 30 day no contact work on him?
admin
December 3, 2013 at 7:47 pm
Hmm.. I don’t think it will be as effective to be honest. I mean, if you never dated the guy.
tgblack
December 2, 2013 at 10:17 pm
I broke off with my boyfriend back in October because although he was trying his best, I felt I wasn’t good enough for him to make efforts in our relationship. He works 15 days on/ 15 days off. I knew that from the beginning and was willing to make a go of it and understand when he is away for 15 days. I have been surprisingly fine with that when he is away. I had been very faithful, very supportive. There were times when I did need him and he talked about a quick break meeting to just be together and talk and just spend time. That had been awesome. When he is off for 15 days, I understand he has to go home which is an hour away. You have to take a ferry and then drive 40 minutes to his home. My whole reason for the breakup was because when he goes home, he find ways to keep himself busy by throwing himself into working and doing whatever back at home. To my knowledge, he is faithful but always felt that he was still in touch with girls from online. I had that issues forever in my past with every new guy I met. They never seem to let go of the internet to be in the relationship with me. My issues. Yes. He is aware of my issue. There has been times that he refused to call me, text me back, and no contact for 2 days without any explanation. I think I played a big part in that because in the beginning, he would call and would have to cancel coming to see me because of some situation he needed sorting out at home. He was very specific in what was going on. So, I understand and just wait for him to make time to visit. Over the course of the months that we were seeing, he did make efforts to stay overnight and visit a while. Time went on, I felt he wasn’t trying anymore. His texting was less, his communication wasn’t there, he would just not talk, not answer my calls. It drove me MAD. He would always tell me he loves me, he misses me bad, we will be together under one roof or in same town very soon. To my knowledge, he was working his butt off to get his house fixed up so we could be together. Time went on and each conversation, he still talks about getting his house fixed up. I understand being gone for 15 days, he has a lot to catch up on. He has someone watching his dog and he does have responsibilities. I understand that. Then cancelling became a lot more and more excuses were coming up. He would tell me we will be together soon, don’t give up, he loves me, he is serious about me. I am his old lady, he’s in love…. I met his parents. He paid a lot of money on my car to keep it running. I see that he has put a lot of effort into “spending” money on me and my kids rather than take the time to fix his home so we could be together.
When I broke up with him, I was feeling like my love for him was not enough. I felt like the more I wait for him, the more he distance himself. He is a very stubborn guy and doesn’t want to change. He is awesome, he is sweet, he can be considerate except the time when I want to hear from him… he’s a butthead when it comes to that. Anyway, he never wanted to break up, but understood if I did break up. I finally called it quit because he cancelled on me again and it was a perfect opportunity for him to visit me cuz I had a birthday and we were to celebrate but he chose to go back home. All I knew was he was coming to my home on a Wed and he said he did not say that but was planning on coming over on the weekend. He never mentioned to me about any weekend. Had I known that, I would not have expected him to show up on Wed. That’s our battle. We have a very loving relationship but it lacks communication all together. He does not want to hurt me so he would avoid contacting me if it means it will disappoint me.
I broke it off by hanging up on him when he refused to say that he did say he was coming over Wed. I just got fed up and told him that I just may not be the girl for him and I think I should walk away and move on with my life. Those words broke my own heart because I did NOT want to end. He did not want it to end either. So, he never responded nor call. Time went on, I sent another text saying that I hope he finds happiness and he finds a girl to marry b/c I may not be the one. I had been married 3 times and none never worked. He was never married. Our love was a whole new level and yet I broke his heart. I just felt he wasn’t giving me his 100%. Anyway, I told him he will find someone special to marry, just not me. I was hurting and that was probably the worst thing I could say. Then 2 days went by, I sent another text saying I hate that I was loosing him. He responded saying he would call and he never did. I lost my cool again. I texted him again asking if he moved on. I was afraid he was moved on. I didn’t want to him to go. I wanted him to fight for us. He shut down and it broke my heart. Few days went by, nothing. I got online and found him on a dating site. It crushed my heart! I was looking for him, not on there to meet anyone else. He deleted his account after 2 days. I deleted mine. I stopped contacting him for 2 weeks. 3 weeks went by and Thanksgiving was coming up. My son expressed his hurt by our breakup and it encouraged me to contact him again.
I emailed him on Facebook since he got back on there after being deactivated for a while. My heart beat so fast and I poured my heart out. I kept it positive, telling him what I love and miss about him. Telling him that I made a huge mistake and wanted this opportunity to find out where he stands. He truly never gave me the “ok, fine”. Never really had his words about breaking up. I just never felt like it was closure. So, after a month and a half of breaking up, I broke down and was so scared I was not going to hear from him. My daughter watched me cry and she is so adorable, she wanted to fix it. She texted him, asking him to read his email since he has not read it. He called me the next day. He sounded really hurt but was still very loving. He said he misses me, he still loves me. He tried to hate me but still loves me. His parents asked about me a lot. I felt like we were back on track a little bit. I told him I missed him, love him still. We decided to meet for coffee the next week since he has to work a lot over Thanksgiving. After the phone call, I texted him back, thanking him for calling me and it meant a lot. He said I made him hate a bit but he still loves me. I asked how much did he hate me and he wondered why. I just said I was curious. Then I told him I never met anyone, did not have the desire to. I focused on me, kids, my situation and felt that it was good that we took that time so I can figure stuff out since his cancelling and staying busy had gotten me so upset. I did not say anything for 2 days. I got concerned. I just stopped texting him except for a Thanksgiving Wish, a good morning text and that I miss him. Nothing. I go online … on Match.com and there he was. Again, I was crushed. Why will he not talk to me, tell me all these things and then go back online again??? I don’t understand it. I waited a day to say something about it. I texted him the next morning expressing my confusion. Why are you online and we are planning on meeting for coffee? I expressed how I never wanted to break up with him, how bad I felt, how sorry I was. He just said that he had been working all day and all night and that he needs to nap since arguing was not what he wanted. He will call me later and that I was on Match too. I just told him I am not going to argue. He called later that night and I had stepped out to take movies back. I texted him apologizing for not taking his call but he talked to my daughter and said he would call back the next morning.
Well, it is the next morning and he did not call back. I sent him a text explain that I was on Match.com to look for him b/c I did not want loose him to another girl. I wanted him for myself. It was driving me crazy. I poured my heart out to him again. Again, no contact. No phone call. It has been a couple of hours. I go back on Match.com and he’s online again!!!! WHY?? I am reading all these articles and learning and practicing about what I probably should be doing. Now, here I am. I want your opinion. Sorry this is long. I know you are going to tell me to move on. Don’t contact anymore, let him call on his term. Let him go…. my friend thinks he is using me for backup which sux because I am better than that. Trust me, I have gotten myself busy. I have been depressed, crying nearly every day, getting myself worked up, hoping, loosing hope, you name it. I am tired and exhausted. I want to let go but I don’t want to loose him. I am in my 40’s and I am still CLUELESS! This sux.
admin
December 3, 2013 at 7:31 pm
You are not clueless. I think this is just him more than you.
Don’t get so down on yourself. Seriously! You are worth so much more than you realize. I can tell you are a very intelligent woman.
I assume you are in NC?
tgblack72
December 4, 2013 at 12:06 am
I had been in NC but not as long as I should have. I made few mistakes, which brought me here. I am hoping that we can put this behind us. I am really nervous about seeing him again. I am excited too and hope he feel about me as much as I feel about him. I am also prepare for rejection. I can at least be free and move forward to better things. Thank you and thanks for the compliment!
tgblack
December 3, 2013 at 12:36 am
Since my last post, he did call me and we are still meeting this week over coffee. So, I am hopeful that all goes well.
admin
December 3, 2013 at 7:41 pm
That is fantastic.
karina
December 1, 2013 at 10:31 pm
so i’ve been doing no contact but i found some little notes we used to send each other and i wanted to give them back, so i texted him asking if he wanted them back and he said “go ahead and get rid of them. we’re past that. :-)”. Does this mean he is over me? i said okay and then he asked if we could talk? is he really over me and am i being friend-zoned. we dated three years and i find it impossible to believe that in less than five months he has a new girlfriend and is over me. but is he?
admin
December 2, 2013 at 6:46 pm
How long did the two of you initially date?
Karina
December 3, 2013 at 1:39 am
Three years
Karina
December 3, 2013 at 4:12 am
We were each other’s very first relationship and we dated for a little over three years.
karina
December 1, 2013 at 10:53 pm
I feel like I lost my chances at getting him back because a few months ago he wanted all those notes back and now he’s okay with trashing them??
Sara
December 1, 2013 at 7:59 pm
Help! I’m in no contact and my ex sent me text today that if I don’t contact him today he will never talk to me again. What’s worse he said he was going to tell his kids that I’m gone!
admin
December 2, 2013 at 6:36 pm
Thats horrible he is probably bluffing but using the kids is downright wrong… I say do what you need to do and contact if he is being serious about this BUT BEWARE this guy has some problems if he is willing to his kids like that.
Sara
December 1, 2013 at 8:04 pm
He swore on his kids lives that he would never talk to me again after today. What should I do?
admin
December 2, 2013 at 6:34 pm
I doubt he will hold that promise. Just give him a lot of time in NC and then reach out with an amazing text.
Sarah W
November 30, 2013 at 7:29 pm
I am in the 3rd week of the no contact phase and he hasn’t tried communicating with me at all. Its kinda make me lose hope. But I ll stand through 1 more week 🙂
admin
December 1, 2013 at 6:08 pm
Just keep on keeping on.
Sarah W
December 1, 2013 at 11:51 pm
Thanks so much I appreciate your replies. I have been talking to one of his mates ( we ve become friends and continued talking), well and he said he doesnt see us getting back together. But they havent actually talked about it… I suppose I ll see how he reacts when we talk again and then maybe I just have to settle with being friends… ( its a long distance relationship btw). Do you think its a good Idea if I ask my ex to take down the life event on Facebook of us starting the relationship? It gives me a bit of hope but its maybe misleading…
admin
December 2, 2013 at 6:54 pm
Only if you think itll help you but I don’t see it as that huge of a deal to be honest.
Sarah W
December 3, 2013 at 8:25 pm
Alright thanks 🙂
Elaine
November 30, 2013 at 12:27 pm
Hi Chris.
A month ago I ended my first real relationship that lasted for about four months, we went on break for a month during that time period. We both had strong feelings for each other, but my boyfriend was severely depressed and I felt like nothing I did was enough. The week before I broke up with him, he told me that he wasn’t sure if he could handle the commitment of a relationship anymore with everything going on in his life. We agreed to be in an open-relationship. But we didn’t even talk during that week, and he just came off as really cold.
When I broke up with him I told him that I hope we could still be friends, and he said that he wasn’t sure if he would be able to handle it. Then, the night of our breakup he texted me saying that his therapist told him to work things out with me. I didn’t reply, but I did respond a couple days later saying that I hope we could still be friends. He never replied so that freaked me out.
It’s been a month since we broke up, and a few days ago my friend told me that he misses me. He apparently thinks that I’m happy without him, doesn’t want to bother me, yet misses my company. I thought that I was over it, but ever since I can’t stop thinking about him. Should I still not break the no contact rule?
Emma
November 29, 2013 at 11:35 pm
Hi Chris,
I was with my ex for 4 months of which the last month I was travelling overseas. When I returned he ended things saying it had just fizzled out. We met up twice when breaking up to talk it through and both times he kissed me when trying to end things.
Since then we have had absolutely no contact and that has been 2.5 months. Given the brevity of the relationship and the fact that we have had no contact since it ended, won’t it now be a bit random and weird to send him a text out of the blue? Would I be better off sending a text saying “I know it’s been a while but I just found myself thinking about you and wondering how you’re going”?
admin
November 30, 2013 at 4:59 am
I think you should make your text less emotional and more general.
Emma
December 1, 2013 at 3:08 am
Thanks Chris.
If he hasn’t made any contact in this time is it already dead or can it be salvaged even at this point? When you say more general do you have an example?
admin
December 1, 2013 at 6:38 pm
No, just because he hasn’t contacted you doesn’t mean it is all over it usually just means he is extremely stubborn.
Emma
December 1, 2013 at 7:51 pm
Even if he broke up with me and it was all very amicable even though I was upset and didn’t want to break up?
admin
December 2, 2013 at 6:33 pm
Yup
Mal
November 29, 2013 at 11:27 pm
So had a bf of 5 months, we broke up almost a week ago. I broke down in 4 days and called and just txtd that I’d like to talk. The next day asked if we could talk so we did and while I was saying I felt that me breaking up with him was a mistake he said he feels like this is the best decision for now bc he is trying to find and job and figure out what he wants to do in life..honestly he’s acted very out of character lately too. This boy definitely needs to do some soul searchin so while I was crushed it’s admirable that he is putting his vital needs first. Ok so he left off that convo with “you know you can talk to me if you ever need me, maybe we could talk again Sunday” so I felt 100% better the past 2 days after we had our initial convo and I drunk txtd (I know I know) him last night when my roommate was being weird and he was actually nice and responsive. I was short and sweet with like 4-5 txts and then today he txts to say “Hey so i know I said that we would talk today but im not sure if ill have time. I went home as a last minute thing” ……I was contemplating doing the NC rule anyways….would now be a good time to start? Will I seem like a bitch? Or that I’m pouting bc he changed his plans?
Thanks!!! Love the blog
admin
November 30, 2013 at 4:57 am
Definitely try out NC.
Hollywood
November 29, 2013 at 9:21 pm
Hi Chris, I have been anxious to share my situation with you for months so excuse the lengthiness of this. 🙂
I really will try my best to sum this up and not write you a book. I was with my ex for almost 8 years, went through a lot together, family deaths, our first apt together, us living with his mom, living with my dad at one point. Lots. We had a 9 mo period during those 8 years that we were broken up. Both saw other ppl, until one day we crossed paths again. In Nov 2012 he moved in with me, (I was in the process of saving money to move out of my dads). He started working construction for my dad. Weird hours, a lot of times being gone from 9pm-6-10am which completely took it’s toll on our relationship. I also work for my dad doing the Administrative side of things, therefore am responsible for the guys’ checks and timecards etc. I was earning extra money on the side by helping my dad out and cleaning his house 3x a week. So I for the first time in my life, had completely lost myself. If I wasn’t working for the business, I was doing my dad’s laundry. If neither of those, I was making sure my ex had his lunch and dinner taken care of so he could just sleep and work 70 hrs a week. I was doing not one thing, for myself. I lost who I was and what I wanted in life. Every waking minute I had to be in that place, was spent making sure the 2 men in my life were happy. I came last. How unattractive to be in a relationship with that. So the day came in April 2013 that he broke up with me. Telling me very nicely, to basically get a life. Meet new friends, GET OUT of the office/home, do things for ME. He said he loved me but he had to do this for him right now. (2 of our 8 yrs he spent living at his moms, not working one day so you can imagine how now working 70 hr work weeks could lift a persons ego. And rightfully so, I was incredibly proud of him. envious a little.) 1 week after our break up I hear there is a store manager at one of the retail job sites, that was showing interest in my bf for the past couple weeks. She’s told to back off as he’s in a long term relationship with the bosses daughter) So obviously, a rebound girl. Great. She’s my polar opposite. And has a child…something I guarantee my ex doesn’t ever want in a relationship. I am very confident in this. He does not talk about this girl to anyone in his family, work or our mutual friends. She’s never brought around, only dropping off food to him places, never coming in. She does not know a lot of his daily activities, ones only I DO, and if she knew, she would be gone. He has created a fake world to live in while he is around her. VS. being with someone like myself, who has accepted him ENTIRELY. In June 2013, his bday, we are at a friends, he comes home with me, we have sex. I feel horrible about myself the next day. Meanwhile when all of these things are happening there are many texts and signs between us, as if neither of us could find a way to work around not having to talk to one another about anything, work related or not.
2 months goes by, we are at a friends again, a new guy neither of us know shows interest me, my ex follows me into the kitchen and tries to kiss me. I push him back asking what he’s doing. He tells me he’s sorry and he doesn’t know. That this is all he can offer me right now..? Uh ok, great. I then push for answers, he says yes he is in a relationship, no she doesn’t know he’s already cheated on her with his EX. Doesn’t know he’s invited me to see movies, play beer pong etc.
I’ve caught him several times in all different situations looking at me. Quickly looking away when I catch him. I’ve since moved into my first apt by MYSELF and no longer do my dad’s house cleaning, freeing me up to get another job that I ENJOY. My ex has been to my apt 2x now. We laugh, talk, drink coffee, watch tv. It’s effortless when we are together. We click like 2 best friends who have been around each other forever. It just feels right to me. This past weekend while together yet again, both attempting this ‘friendship-ish’ type thing…( I say that because I never wanted to be his friend. Which is why I would always try NC and he would break it and then work came and III had to break it. It got so complicated.) So the past week leading up to the weekend, I had made the decision to stay away from him. Not text him, not REPLY, nothing. I make plans Friday morning with our mutual friend and his gf who tell me to come over. Then I get a text from my ex who was also there staying on the couch that night, asking if I could please bring him food. He doesn’t have money, blah blah blah. So I of course, being too damn nice all the time, bring him food. The 4 of us hang out all day long. Him ignoring his phone several times (his gf will stalk him till he answers. must be a fun relationship. 😉 haha. He finally leaves around 9 pm to go shower and is saying he is going to come back so the 4 of us can party. Once he leaves I break down slightly. Saying to our friends it’s too hard for me to sit here and act like there isn’t this undeniable feeling when we are around each other. I end up leaving, not wanting him to come back and see me like that. He ends up not coming back I guess, probably couldn’t leave his gf without getting in trouble. While we were together during the day he made it a point to get me alone and just looked at me. He looked sad. Like he wanted to confide in me but couldn’t find the words. I asked what was wrong and he just said he was thinking. He had a lot to think about…. Ok? Well whatever you’re thinking about it’s making you quiet and sad so stop thinking about it for now and let’s have fun. He went so far as to keep making sexual jokes about wanting to do things…I ignored them. The morning after this I’m as confused as ever. I know he still loves me Chris. So, what is he doing?! It’s funny to me we broke up 7 mos ago and neither of us are actually happier without the other, yet we aren’t together. It doesn’t make sense. So this past Wednesday, he and I are both working at my dad’s for the day. He flirts with me, laughs more than when I’m not around (according to his family and a couple coworkers)…. we end up being the last 2 at the ‘office’, spending about another 1.5 together. During this time I was fighting myself the whole time, should I bring it up, I need to say something. I have to know where his damn head is at or if all I’ve been doing is torturing myself? It gets blurted out, ‘so do you still have feelings for me?’… he doesn’t know how to react. he says friendly yeah. Really so the love you had for me for 8 years just disappeared? He prides himself in emotional situations with ppl on being able to flip his feelings off like a switch. Bull. It’s a defense mechanism, nice try. I say then if you’re so happy in your relationship why are you clearly making passes at ME? SOBER and not! He slightly shuts down. He keeps saying ‘I don’t know..’, I tell him I can’t have him in my life if he truly only sees me as a friend. He’s not making eye contact with me at all during this, pacing back and forth looking at the ground. I tell him this convo was a waste of time if he won’t even take me seriously. I tell him as his friend (what he wanted me to be right??) I can tell he is not happy. Something is going on and half the time I’m around him he is this insecure, awkward person I’ve never seen him be in 8 years. It’s a façade. I tell him he has been sending me mixed signals ever since April and he kind of chuckles but doesn’t know what to say other than Sorry for a certain ‘oral’ joke he had made the day before… I get up to walk inside, tell him I’m tired of him manipulating me and knowing just what to say to keep me roped in. He tells me I’m assuming things. I go inside close the door on him and he drives away. Truth is Chris, I know this is a lot to take in, but I love this man. Not when he’s playing make believe because he is scared to make a decision about what he wants, but when he is himself around ME. We bring out the best in one another. We both know it. I would do another 7 years with him if given the chance. Neither of us are into marriage and would be perfectly happy just being with one another as the best friends we used to be. He left something with me when he drove off, I called and text him saying he forgot it and he ignored me. Until 5 minutes ago now he’s saying he needs it right now. I’ve been doing things every single day for myself so I don’t go back into that rut I was in before. I’ve actually lost 40 lbs, and although I’m happy with where I’m at, I’m only inspired to keep going. I know I radiate a different, happier person when I am around him now. I’ve become more independent and am getting as comfortable as one can with all of a sudden being single. Having to do everything solo. It’s hard. It’s a struggle every single day but I can’t just quit. I just hope you can give me some words of encouragement. I want my relationship back. Not the way it was, but the way it would be now. The new me, who’s still in progress. He’s now showing me that he’s angry at me. When I told him he could no longer be in my life he threw his head back, not even facing me and gave me this weak, half ass sort of ‘thumbs up’ and said that’s great. Did I mess this up for myself by not pushing harder and harder to do NC from the beginning…. Is it too late now to make an impact on him by doing NC? I am worried about him but know that what will be, will be. I can’t control anything, that’s where your words come in. Help me focus on myself, but also on getting my best friend back to share this new chapter of life with. Thank you for taking the 5 hours to read this, I don’t know you, but your site has given me a lot of peace many times. I appreciate what you do. 🙂
admin
November 30, 2013 at 4:51 am
More like 50 minutes hahaha.
And your welcome.
No matter what I think its worth a try to do NC. I think you have a good attiude about the whole thing. Congrats on the weight loss!
Stacy
November 29, 2013 at 6:31 pm
Hi, I recently broke up with my boyfriend two days before thanksgiving. I found out he was seeing other girls. I was away at college and he claims our conversations were not like how they used to be. I always used to criticize him or have an attitude with him, and it is true. He said he didn’t tell me because he is in love with me and he still wanted to be with me. He said he did not tell me because he did not want to hurt me. I know it’s like why would I want to be with him if he cheated, but in reality our relationship before I left for college was great. We were always together it was genuine love. I know he is a good person. I still sadly love him. So I started off wrong by breaking up with him but then crying and letting him know how much he hurt me. I stayed at his house 2 days after I broke up with him. He didn’t want me 2 leave him. The night before I left he told me how he was wrong n how he sorry and things and he would move up to where I’m at nd stuff. And then all of a sudden the next day he was just angry with me. He would not talk to me or anything..He would tell me to leave him alone and stuff because I would act happy just to cover up my sadness. So I would talk to him like nothing happened. He really was acting mean and he never act that way before. So I txt him later that night and told him I’m always here for him and I could just tell it was starting to hit him. The next day I did not text or call him. He txt me that morning and afternoon. Then he text saying he wanted me to come back 2 his house or he wanted 2 spend time with me before I go back 2 college. I told him I was not coming there. So he said he would come see me. Then this morning he text a long msg telling me I deserve better and I’m a great person nd he didn’t want us to end like that. And that it will be hard for us to get over each other but we have to and he loves me. He said I dont hve to txt back and that that was his last message to me. I text him back and he never text back. Sorry it’s so long but my question is if there is any hope in us getting back together. Also what break up stage is he in..like is he angry or stubborn? What should I do.
admin
November 30, 2013 at 4:46 am
Of course there is hope BUT you have to realize this isn’t an easy process.
Stacy
November 30, 2013 at 6:55 am
Update: He called me tonight but I did not answer. What steps should I take now? I feel like if I keep ignoring him he will eventually get used to it and get over it.
admin
November 30, 2013 at 7:06 pm
If you are still in NC just finish it out.
M
November 28, 2013 at 1:51 am
Hi Chris,
I broke up with my boyfriend of 9 years on monday. It was not a rough break up but we were on a break because I wanted to know if our family issues are resolvable and if we had a future. He asked for a break and time to think things through. I asked during this process will we talk and see each other once a week to remain in contact.
On monday, a week after going on the break he a said that things were too restrictive and hr felt like we were still together. He wanted to find himself as an individual and to do it alone. Wants to be friends and if things progressed to more than staying together was meant to be.
I m hurt and confused because a 9 yr relationship is not easy to cut off. I m on day two of no contact and in situations where it is unavoidable I have been civil and polite.
What is going on? I feel lost. Does he still love me?
admin
November 28, 2013 at 5:53 am
Have you started NC yet?
M
November 28, 2013 at 9:18 am
I m on day 3 of NC. I ll be heading overseas next week for three weeks too. This is the first Christmas (also my bday) without him.
Kay
November 27, 2013 at 3:05 pm
My ex and I were together for more than 20 years. Our relationship had great times and awful times and ended 2 months ago in a really angry break up on both sides. I took a job at the end of July in our former city. We talked about it and he said he really wanted to move back. He flew out with me to get settled in an apartment and then came back to help get the house sold. I flew him out 3 times in August and we were loving, happy and planning to marry when the house sold and he moved. The house did not sell and I ran out of money to keep flying him to visit. He soon was depressed and we started quarreling over stupid things. When it got really bad, I got super angry and we decided that he should move out. I came back in early October and he moved out 2 days later. I then found out that he had moved in with the woman who brought him to Jesus and got very involved in a born again church. She leased him a car. He had been planning this since September-just 2 weeks after we were together and seemingly happy.
He came back to get his things and acted scared and angry. He has said awful things about me and presented himself as the victim to everyone. After 5 weeks I sent him an email and got no response. I also found that before i could get him off of my health insurance, he made several trips to the doctor to take care of skin cancer. He also did not pay taxes for 3 years and the IRS was after him. He blamed me for that saying I was greedy and wanted his money. I make 6 times what he does and I pay the mortgage and all of the bills.
So I have the angry man/victim, living with another woman. Probably no chance that he will come back but just thought I’d ask what you think.
Thanks,
K.
admin
November 27, 2013 at 8:37 pm
Money issues huh… well he is definitely going to be an angry guy..