The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule- What Is He Thinking?

4,282 thoughts on “The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule”

tgblack

December 2, 2013 at 10:17 pm

I broke off with my boyfriend back in October because although he was trying his best, I felt I wasn’t good enough for him to make efforts in our relationship. He works 15 days on/ 15 days off. I knew that from the beginning and was willing to make a go of it and understand when he is away for 15 days. I have been surprisingly fine with that when he is away. I had been very faithful, very supportive. There were times when I did need him and he talked about a quick break meeting to just be together and talk and just spend time. That had been awesome. When he is off for 15 days, I understand he has to go home which is an hour away. You have to take a ferry and then drive 40 minutes to his home. My whole reason for the breakup was because when he goes home, he find ways to keep himself busy by throwing himself into working and doing whatever back at home. To my knowledge, he is faithful but always felt that he was still in touch with girls from online. I had that issues forever in my past with every new guy I met. They never seem to let go of the internet to be in the relationship with me. My issues. Yes. He is aware of my issue. There has been times that he refused to call me, text me back, and no contact for 2 days without any explanation. I think I played a big part in that because in the beginning, he would call and would have to cancel coming to see me because of some situation he needed sorting out at home. He was very specific in what was going on. So, I understand and just wait for him to make time to visit. Over the course of the months that we were seeing, he did make efforts to stay overnight and visit a while. Time went on, I felt he wasn’t trying anymore. His texting was less, his communication wasn’t there, he would just not talk, not answer my calls. It drove me MAD. He would always tell me he loves me, he misses me bad, we will be together under one roof or in same town very soon. To my knowledge, he was working his butt off to get his house fixed up so we could be together. Time went on and each conversation, he still talks about getting his house fixed up. I understand being gone for 15 days, he has a lot to catch up on. He has someone watching his dog and he does have responsibilities. I understand that. Then cancelling became a lot more and more excuses were coming up. He would tell me we will be together soon, don’t give up, he loves me, he is serious about me. I am his old lady, he’s in love…. I met his parents. He paid a lot of money on my car to keep it running. I see that he has put a lot of effort into “spending” money on me and my kids rather than take the time to fix his home so we could be together.

When I broke up with him, I was feeling like my love for him was not enough. I felt like the more I wait for him, the more he distance himself. He is a very stubborn guy and doesn’t want to change. He is awesome, he is sweet, he can be considerate except the time when I want to hear from him… he’s a butthead when it comes to that. Anyway, he never wanted to break up, but understood if I did break up. I finally called it quit because he cancelled on me again and it was a perfect opportunity for him to visit me cuz I had a birthday and we were to celebrate but he chose to go back home. All I knew was he was coming to my home on a Wed and he said he did not say that but was planning on coming over on the weekend. He never mentioned to me about any weekend. Had I known that, I would not have expected him to show up on Wed. That’s our battle. We have a very loving relationship but it lacks communication all together. He does not want to hurt me so he would avoid contacting me if it means it will disappoint me.

I broke it off by hanging up on him when he refused to say that he did say he was coming over Wed. I just got fed up and told him that I just may not be the girl for him and I think I should walk away and move on with my life. Those words broke my own heart because I did NOT want to end. He did not want it to end either. So, he never responded nor call. Time went on, I sent another text saying that I hope he finds happiness and he finds a girl to marry b/c I may not be the one. I had been married 3 times and none never worked. He was never married. Our love was a whole new level and yet I broke his heart. I just felt he wasn’t giving me his 100%. Anyway, I told him he will find someone special to marry, just not me. I was hurting and that was probably the worst thing I could say. Then 2 days went by, I sent another text saying I hate that I was loosing him. He responded saying he would call and he never did. I lost my cool again. I texted him again asking if he moved on. I was afraid he was moved on. I didn’t want to him to go. I wanted him to fight for us. He shut down and it broke my heart. Few days went by, nothing. I got online and found him on a dating site. It crushed my heart! I was looking for him, not on there to meet anyone else. He deleted his account after 2 days. I deleted mine. I stopped contacting him for 2 weeks. 3 weeks went by and Thanksgiving was coming up. My son expressed his hurt by our breakup and it encouraged me to contact him again.

I emailed him on Facebook since he got back on there after being deactivated for a while. My heart beat so fast and I poured my heart out. I kept it positive, telling him what I love and miss about him. Telling him that I made a huge mistake and wanted this opportunity to find out where he stands. He truly never gave me the “ok, fine”. Never really had his words about breaking up. I just never felt like it was closure. So, after a month and a half of breaking up, I broke down and was so scared I was not going to hear from him. My daughter watched me cry and she is so adorable, she wanted to fix it. She texted him, asking him to read his email since he has not read it. He called me the next day. He sounded really hurt but was still very loving. He said he misses me, he still loves me. He tried to hate me but still loves me. His parents asked about me a lot. I felt like we were back on track a little bit. I told him I missed him, love him still. We decided to meet for coffee the next week since he has to work a lot over Thanksgiving. After the phone call, I texted him back, thanking him for calling me and it meant a lot. He said I made him hate a bit but he still loves me. I asked how much did he hate me and he wondered why. I just said I was curious. Then I told him I never met anyone, did not have the desire to. I focused on me, kids, my situation and felt that it was good that we took that time so I can figure stuff out since his cancelling and staying busy had gotten me so upset. I did not say anything for 2 days. I got concerned. I just stopped texting him except for a Thanksgiving Wish, a good morning text and that I miss him. Nothing. I go online … on Match.com and there he was. Again, I was crushed. Why will he not talk to me, tell me all these things and then go back online again??? I don’t understand it. I waited a day to say something about it. I texted him the next morning expressing my confusion. Why are you online and we are planning on meeting for coffee? I expressed how I never wanted to break up with him, how bad I felt, how sorry I was. He just said that he had been working all day and all night and that he needs to nap since arguing was not what he wanted. He will call me later and that I was on Match too. I just told him I am not going to argue. He called later that night and I had stepped out to take movies back. I texted him apologizing for not taking his call but he talked to my daughter and said he would call back the next morning.

Well, it is the next morning and he did not call back. I sent him a text explain that I was on Match.com to look for him b/c I did not want loose him to another girl. I wanted him for myself. It was driving me crazy. I poured my heart out to him again. Again, no contact. No phone call. It has been a couple of hours. I go back on Match.com and he’s online again!!!! WHY?? I am reading all these articles and learning and practicing about what I probably should be doing. Now, here I am. I want your opinion. Sorry this is long. I know you are going to tell me to move on. Don’t contact anymore, let him call on his term. Let him go…. my friend thinks he is using me for backup which sux because I am better than that. Trust me, I have gotten myself busy. I have been depressed, crying nearly every day, getting myself worked up, hoping, loosing hope, you name it. I am tired and exhausted. I want to let go but I don’t want to loose him. I am in my 40’s and I am still CLUELESS! This sux.

admin

December 3, 2013 at 7:31 pm

You are not clueless. I think this is just him more than you.

Don’t get so down on yourself. Seriously! You are worth so much more than you realize. I can tell you are a very intelligent woman.

I assume you are in NC?
tgblack72

December 4, 2013 at 12:06 am

I had been in NC but not as long as I should have. I made few mistakes, which brought me here. I am hoping that we can put this behind us. I am really nervous about seeing him again. I am excited too and hope he feel about me as much as I feel about him. I am also prepare for rejection. I can at least be free and move forward to better things. Thank you and thanks for the compliment!
tgblack

December 3, 2013 at 12:36 am

Since my last post, he did call me and we are still meeting this week over coffee. So, I am hopeful that all goes well.
admin

December 3, 2013 at 7:41 pm

That is fantastic.

karina

December 1, 2013 at 10:31 pm

so i’ve been doing no contact but i found some little notes we used to send each other and i wanted to give them back, so i texted him asking if he wanted them back and he said “go ahead and get rid of them. we’re past that. :-)”. Does this mean he is over me? i said okay and then he asked if we could talk? is he really over me and am i being friend-zoned. we dated three years and i find it impossible to believe that in less than five months he has a new girlfriend and is over me. but is he?

admin

December 2, 2013 at 6:46 pm

How long did the two of you initially date?
Karina

December 3, 2013 at 1:39 am

Three years
Karina

December 3, 2013 at 4:12 am

We were each other’s very first relationship and we dated for a little over three years.
karina

December 1, 2013 at 10:53 pm

I feel like I lost my chances at getting him back because a few months ago he wanted all those notes back and now he’s okay with trashing them??

Sara

December 1, 2013 at 7:59 pm

Help! I’m in no contact and my ex sent me text today that if I don’t contact him today he will never talk to me again. What’s worse he said he was going to tell his kids that I’m gone!

admin

December 2, 2013 at 6:36 pm

Thats horrible he is probably bluffing but using the kids is downright wrong… I say do what you need to do and contact if he is being serious about this BUT BEWARE this guy has some problems if he is willing to his kids like that.
Sara

December 1, 2013 at 8:04 pm

He swore on his kids lives that he would never talk to me again after today. What should I do?
admin

December 2, 2013 at 6:34 pm

I doubt he will hold that promise. Just give him a lot of time in NC and then reach out with an amazing text.

Sarah W

November 30, 2013 at 7:29 pm

I am in the 3rd week of the no contact phase and he hasn’t tried communicating with me at all. Its kinda make me lose hope. But I ll stand through 1 more week 🙂

admin

December 1, 2013 at 6:08 pm

Just keep on keeping on.
Sarah W

December 1, 2013 at 11:51 pm

Thanks so much I appreciate your replies. I have been talking to one of his mates ( we ve become friends and continued talking), well and he said he doesnt see us getting back together. But they havent actually talked about it… I suppose I ll see how he reacts when we talk again and then maybe I just have to settle with being friends… ( its a long distance relationship btw). Do you think its a good Idea if I ask my ex to take down the life event on Facebook of us starting the relationship? It gives me a bit of hope but its maybe misleading…
admin

December 2, 2013 at 6:54 pm

Only if you think itll help you but I don’t see it as that huge of a deal to be honest.
Sarah W

December 3, 2013 at 8:25 pm

Alright thanks 🙂

Elaine

November 30, 2013 at 12:27 pm

Hi Chris.

A month ago I ended my first real relationship that lasted for about four months, we went on break for a month during that time period. We both had strong feelings for each other, but my boyfriend was severely depressed and I felt like nothing I did was enough. The week before I broke up with him, he told me that he wasn’t sure if he could handle the commitment of a relationship anymore with everything going on in his life. We agreed to be in an open-relationship. But we didn’t even talk during that week, and he just came off as really cold.
When I broke up with him I told him that I hope we could still be friends, and he said that he wasn’t sure if he would be able to handle it. Then, the night of our breakup he texted me saying that his therapist told him to work things out with me. I didn’t reply, but I did respond a couple days later saying that I hope we could still be friends. He never replied so that freaked me out.
It’s been a month since we broke up, and a few days ago my friend told me that he misses me. He apparently thinks that I’m happy without him, doesn’t want to bother me, yet misses my company. I thought that I was over it, but ever since I can’t stop thinking about him. Should I still not break the no contact rule?
Emma

November 29, 2013 at 11:35 pm

Hi Chris,

I was with my ex for 4 months of which the last month I was travelling overseas. When I returned he ended things saying it had just fizzled out. We met up twice when breaking up to talk it through and both times he kissed me when trying to end things.

Since then we have had absolutely no contact and that has been 2.5 months. Given the brevity of the relationship and the fact that we have had no contact since it ended, won’t it now be a bit random and weird to send him a text out of the blue? Would I be better off sending a text saying “I know it’s been a while but I just found myself thinking about you and wondering how you’re going”?

admin

November 30, 2013 at 4:59 am

I think you should make your text less emotional and more general.
Emma

December 1, 2013 at 3:08 am

Thanks Chris.
If he hasn’t made any contact in this time is it already dead or can it be salvaged even at this point? When you say more general do you have an example?
admin

December 1, 2013 at 6:38 pm

No, just because he hasn’t contacted you doesn’t mean it is all over it usually just means he is extremely stubborn.
Emma

December 1, 2013 at 7:51 pm

Even if he broke up with me and it was all very amicable even though I was upset and didn’t want to break up?
admin

December 2, 2013 at 6:33 pm

Yup

Mal

November 29, 2013 at 11:27 pm

So had a bf of 5 months, we broke up almost a week ago. I broke down in 4 days and called and just txtd that I’d like to talk. The next day asked if we could talk so we did and while I was saying I felt that me breaking up with him was a mistake he said he feels like this is the best decision for now bc he is trying to find and job and figure out what he wants to do in life..honestly he’s acted very out of character lately too. This boy definitely needs to do some soul searchin so while I was crushed it’s admirable that he is putting his vital needs first. Ok so he left off that convo with “you know you can talk to me if you ever need me, maybe we could talk again Sunday” so I felt 100% better the past 2 days after we had our initial convo and I drunk txtd (I know I know) him last night when my roommate was being weird and he was actually nice and responsive. I was short and sweet with like 4-5 txts and then today he txts to say “Hey so i know I said that we would talk today but im not sure if ill have time. I went home as a last minute thing” ……I was contemplating doing the NC rule anyways….would now be a good time to start? Will I seem like a bitch? Or that I’m pouting bc he changed his plans?

Thanks!!! Love the blog

admin

November 30, 2013 at 4:57 am

Definitely try out NC.

Hollywood

November 29, 2013 at 9:21 pm

Hi Chris, I have been anxious to share my situation with you for months so excuse the lengthiness of this. 🙂

I really will try my best to sum this up and not write you a book. I was with my ex for almost 8 years, went through a lot together, family deaths, our first apt together, us living with his mom, living with my dad at one point. Lots. We had a 9 mo period during those 8 years that we were broken up. Both saw other ppl, until one day we crossed paths again. In Nov 2012 he moved in with me, (I was in the process of saving money to move out of my dads). He started working construction for my dad. Weird hours, a lot of times being gone from 9pm-6-10am which completely took it’s toll on our relationship. I also work for my dad doing the Administrative side of things, therefore am responsible for the guys’ checks and timecards etc. I was earning extra money on the side by helping my dad out and cleaning his house 3x a week. So I for the first time in my life, had completely lost myself. If I wasn’t working for the business, I was doing my dad’s laundry. If neither of those, I was making sure my ex had his lunch and dinner taken care of so he could just sleep and work 70 hrs a week. I was doing not one thing, for myself. I lost who I was and what I wanted in life. Every waking minute I had to be in that place, was spent making sure the 2 men in my life were happy. I came last. How unattractive to be in a relationship with that. So the day came in April 2013 that he broke up with me. Telling me very nicely, to basically get a life. Meet new friends, GET OUT of the office/home, do things for ME. He said he loved me but he had to do this for him right now. (2 of our 8 yrs he spent living at his moms, not working one day so you can imagine how now working 70 hr work weeks could lift a persons ego. And rightfully so, I was incredibly proud of him. envious a little.) 1 week after our break up I hear there is a store manager at one of the retail job sites, that was showing interest in my bf for the past couple weeks. She’s told to back off as he’s in a long term relationship with the bosses daughter) So obviously, a rebound girl. Great. She’s my polar opposite. And has a child…something I guarantee my ex doesn’t ever want in a relationship. I am very confident in this. He does not talk about this girl to anyone in his family, work or our mutual friends. She’s never brought around, only dropping off food to him places, never coming in. She does not know a lot of his daily activities, ones only I DO, and if she knew, she would be gone. He has created a fake world to live in while he is around her. VS. being with someone like myself, who has accepted him ENTIRELY. In June 2013, his bday, we are at a friends, he comes home with me, we have sex. I feel horrible about myself the next day. Meanwhile when all of these things are happening there are many texts and signs between us, as if neither of us could find a way to work around not having to talk to one another about anything, work related or not.
2 months goes by, we are at a friends again, a new guy neither of us know shows interest me, my ex follows me into the kitchen and tries to kiss me. I push him back asking what he’s doing. He tells me he’s sorry and he doesn’t know. That this is all he can offer me right now..? Uh ok, great. I then push for answers, he says yes he is in a relationship, no she doesn’t know he’s already cheated on her with his EX. Doesn’t know he’s invited me to see movies, play beer pong etc.
I’ve caught him several times in all different situations looking at me. Quickly looking away when I catch him. I’ve since moved into my first apt by MYSELF and no longer do my dad’s house cleaning, freeing me up to get another job that I ENJOY. My ex has been to my apt 2x now. We laugh, talk, drink coffee, watch tv. It’s effortless when we are together. We click like 2 best friends who have been around each other forever. It just feels right to me. This past weekend while together yet again, both attempting this ‘friendship-ish’ type thing…( I say that because I never wanted to be his friend. Which is why I would always try NC and he would break it and then work came and III had to break it. It got so complicated.) So the past week leading up to the weekend, I had made the decision to stay away from him. Not text him, not REPLY, nothing. I make plans Friday morning with our mutual friend and his gf who tell me to come over. Then I get a text from my ex who was also there staying on the couch that night, asking if I could please bring him food. He doesn’t have money, blah blah blah. So I of course, being too damn nice all the time, bring him food. The 4 of us hang out all day long. Him ignoring his phone several times (his gf will stalk him till he answers. must be a fun relationship. 😉 haha. He finally leaves around 9 pm to go shower and is saying he is going to come back so the 4 of us can party. Once he leaves I break down slightly. Saying to our friends it’s too hard for me to sit here and act like there isn’t this undeniable feeling when we are around each other. I end up leaving, not wanting him to come back and see me like that. He ends up not coming back I guess, probably couldn’t leave his gf without getting in trouble. While we were together during the day he made it a point to get me alone and just looked at me. He looked sad. Like he wanted to confide in me but couldn’t find the words. I asked what was wrong and he just said he was thinking. He had a lot to think about…. Ok? Well whatever you’re thinking about it’s making you quiet and sad so stop thinking about it for now and let’s have fun. He went so far as to keep making sexual jokes about wanting to do things…I ignored them. The morning after this I’m as confused as ever. I know he still loves me Chris. So, what is he doing?! It’s funny to me we broke up 7 mos ago and neither of us are actually happier without the other, yet we aren’t together. It doesn’t make sense. So this past Wednesday, he and I are both working at my dad’s for the day. He flirts with me, laughs more than when I’m not around (according to his family and a couple coworkers)…. we end up being the last 2 at the ‘office’, spending about another 1.5 together. During this time I was fighting myself the whole time, should I bring it up, I need to say something. I have to know where his damn head is at or if all I’ve been doing is torturing myself? It gets blurted out, ‘so do you still have feelings for me?’… he doesn’t know how to react. he says friendly yeah. Really so the love you had for me for 8 years just disappeared? He prides himself in emotional situations with ppl on being able to flip his feelings off like a switch. Bull. It’s a defense mechanism, nice try. I say then if you’re so happy in your relationship why are you clearly making passes at ME? SOBER and not! He slightly shuts down. He keeps saying ‘I don’t know..’, I tell him I can’t have him in my life if he truly only sees me as a friend. He’s not making eye contact with me at all during this, pacing back and forth looking at the ground. I tell him this convo was a waste of time if he won’t even take me seriously. I tell him as his friend (what he wanted me to be right??) I can tell he is not happy. Something is going on and half the time I’m around him he is this insecure, awkward person I’ve never seen him be in 8 years. It’s a façade. I tell him he has been sending me mixed signals ever since April and he kind of chuckles but doesn’t know what to say other than Sorry for a certain ‘oral’ joke he had made the day before… I get up to walk inside, tell him I’m tired of him manipulating me and knowing just what to say to keep me roped in. He tells me I’m assuming things. I go inside close the door on him and he drives away. Truth is Chris, I know this is a lot to take in, but I love this man. Not when he’s playing make believe because he is scared to make a decision about what he wants, but when he is himself around ME. We bring out the best in one another. We both know it. I would do another 7 years with him if given the chance. Neither of us are into marriage and would be perfectly happy just being with one another as the best friends we used to be. He left something with me when he drove off, I called and text him saying he forgot it and he ignored me. Until 5 minutes ago now he’s saying he needs it right now. I’ve been doing things every single day for myself so I don’t go back into that rut I was in before. I’ve actually lost 40 lbs, and although I’m happy with where I’m at, I’m only inspired to keep going. I know I radiate a different, happier person when I am around him now. I’ve become more independent and am getting as comfortable as one can with all of a sudden being single. Having to do everything solo. It’s hard. It’s a struggle every single day but I can’t just quit. I just hope you can give me some words of encouragement. I want my relationship back. Not the way it was, but the way it would be now. The new me, who’s still in progress. He’s now showing me that he’s angry at me. When I told him he could no longer be in my life he threw his head back, not even facing me and gave me this weak, half ass sort of ‘thumbs up’ and said that’s great. Did I mess this up for myself by not pushing harder and harder to do NC from the beginning…. Is it too late now to make an impact on him by doing NC? I am worried about him but know that what will be, will be. I can’t control anything, that’s where your words come in. Help me focus on myself, but also on getting my best friend back to share this new chapter of life with. Thank you for taking the 5 hours to read this, I don’t know you, but your site has given me a lot of peace many times. I appreciate what you do. 🙂

admin

November 30, 2013 at 4:51 am

More like 50 minutes hahaha.

And your welcome.

No matter what I think its worth a try to do NC. I think you have a good attiude about the whole thing. Congrats on the weight loss!

Stacy

November 29, 2013 at 6:31 pm

Hi, I recently broke up with my boyfriend two days before thanksgiving. I found out he was seeing other girls. I was away at college and he claims our conversations were not like how they used to be. I always used to criticize him or have an attitude with him, and it is true. He said he didn’t tell me because he is in love with me and he still wanted to be with me. He said he did not tell me because he did not want to hurt me. I know it’s like why would I want to be with him if he cheated, but in reality our relationship before I left for college was great. We were always together it was genuine love. I know he is a good person. I still sadly love him. So I started off wrong by breaking up with him but then crying and letting him know how much he hurt me. I stayed at his house 2 days after I broke up with him. He didn’t want me 2 leave him. The night before I left he told me how he was wrong n how he sorry and things and he would move up to where I’m at nd stuff. And then all of a sudden the next day he was just angry with me. He would not talk to me or anything..He would tell me to leave him alone and stuff because I would act happy just to cover up my sadness. So I would talk to him like nothing happened. He really was acting mean and he never act that way before. So I txt him later that night and told him I’m always here for him and I could just tell it was starting to hit him. The next day I did not text or call him. He txt me that morning and afternoon. Then he text saying he wanted me to come back 2 his house or he wanted 2 spend time with me before I go back 2 college. I told him I was not coming there. So he said he would come see me. Then this morning he text a long msg telling me I deserve better and I’m a great person nd he didn’t want us to end like that. And that it will be hard for us to get over each other but we have to and he loves me. He said I dont hve to txt back and that that was his last message to me. I text him back and he never text back. Sorry it’s so long but my question is if there is any hope in us getting back together. Also what break up stage is he in..like is he angry or stubborn? What should I do.

admin

November 30, 2013 at 4:46 am

Of course there is hope BUT you have to realize this isn’t an easy process.
Stacy

November 30, 2013 at 6:55 am

Update: He called me tonight but I did not answer. What steps should I take now? I feel like if I keep ignoring him he will eventually get used to it and get over it.
admin

November 30, 2013 at 7:06 pm

If you are still in NC just finish it out.

M

November 28, 2013 at 1:51 am

Hi Chris,

I broke up with my boyfriend of 9 years on monday. It was not a rough break up but we were on a break because I wanted to know if our family issues are resolvable and if we had a future. He asked for a break and time to think things through. I asked during this process will we talk and see each other once a week to remain in contact.

On monday, a week after going on the break he a said that things were too restrictive and hr felt like we were still together. He wanted to find himself as an individual and to do it alone. Wants to be friends and if things progressed to more than staying together was meant to be.

I m hurt and confused because a 9 yr relationship is not easy to cut off. I m on day two of no contact and in situations where it is unavoidable I have been civil and polite.

What is going on? I feel lost. Does he still love me?

admin

November 28, 2013 at 5:53 am

Have you started NC yet?
M

November 28, 2013 at 9:18 am

I m on day 3 of NC. I ll be heading overseas next week for three weeks too. This is the first Christmas (also my bday) without him.

Kay

November 27, 2013 at 3:05 pm

My ex and I were together for more than 20 years. Our relationship had great times and awful times and ended 2 months ago in a really angry break up on both sides. I took a job at the end of July in our former city. We talked about it and he said he really wanted to move back. He flew out with me to get settled in an apartment and then came back to help get the house sold. I flew him out 3 times in August and we were loving, happy and planning to marry when the house sold and he moved. The house did not sell and I ran out of money to keep flying him to visit. He soon was depressed and we started quarreling over stupid things. When it got really bad, I got super angry and we decided that he should move out. I came back in early October and he moved out 2 days later. I then found out that he had moved in with the woman who brought him to Jesus and got very involved in a born again church. She leased him a car. He had been planning this since September-just 2 weeks after we were together and seemingly happy.
He came back to get his things and acted scared and angry. He has said awful things about me and presented himself as the victim to everyone. After 5 weeks I sent him an email and got no response. I also found that before i could get him off of my health insurance, he made several trips to the doctor to take care of skin cancer. He also did not pay taxes for 3 years and the IRS was after him. He blamed me for that saying I was greedy and wanted his money. I make 6 times what he does and I pay the mortgage and all of the bills.
So I have the angry man/victim, living with another woman. Probably no chance that he will come back but just thought I’d ask what you think.

Thanks,
K.

admin

November 27, 2013 at 8:37 pm

Money issues huh… well he is definitely going to be an angry guy..

melissa

November 25, 2013 at 7:33 pm

should it be treated differently if you were never boyfriend/ girlfriend? and just dated?? also if it was short is 30 days too long to ignore them?

admin

November 26, 2013 at 6:47 pm

Yes I would cut it down to 15 days.

Apple

November 25, 2013 at 1:39 pm

hi Chris,
I just went back from the trip. I saw he’s never been admired by so many foreign girls, while I was always complaining to him, that might make him not love me any more.

He should still have feelings, but I only want to be with him when he comes back to reality. I plan not to get him back in a rush, I’d wait at least until he comes back in February, when he says “let’s meet in Feb.” (Maybe mostly a friendly meeting instead of a date.)

Now we still have to talk about our studies, but I wanna end everything asap, as he’ll be traveling for 2 months next week, without internet connection for at least every half month. During this period, I’ll do NC. How long shall I keep the NC. Will NC work well? Since he may conceive I don’t contact him because bad internet, or even he’d tell me first he’s not able to be reached. I’m afraid in this way, he won’t feel I’m cutting him off. Meanwhile, he’ll be enjoying the trip, not sure whether the NC is enough to make him miss me. And special tips on this special NC to make the goal work? Ie, let him think I cut the contact and make him miss me though he’ll be fully distracted by the fun traveling for 2 whole months.

Btw, I’m thinking about a rough plan now. Can I email you for advice?

Best,
Apple

admin

November 25, 2013 at 8:35 pm

Mostly its all about what YOU do during the NC. What do you plan on doing?
Apple

November 25, 2013 at 10:43 pm

During NC, I plan to
1. Focus on study, job application, travelling
2. New date (he also knows). Though the new guy has many qualities he doesn’t, I still want him back, because our deep connection and his good influence on me. Just life abroad blinded him.
3. Follow your guide, think about how to let him MAKE THE MOVE, chase me, despite the obstacles.

One thing to add. He already knows I’m not emotional about the break up any more, and changed. Just I’ve made some (not many) emotional mistakes, and some moments I might have shown signs of affections to him.

How does my plan sound? Any further suggestions? How can I let him know I’m happy since lack of internet connection, and I don’t plan to contact him, to build up a good base for our meeting in February. As he’s seen the “happy” me during our trip, will the contrast be too small to shock him?
admin

November 26, 2013 at 7:20 pm

1. Thats amazing!
2. Good again
3. YES MAM!

Plan sounds fantastic.
Apple

November 26, 2013 at 10:24 pm

Nice that Master Chris approved the plan? But any way to let him know my life is going great now?
admin

November 27, 2013 at 7:25 pm

I am no master… I am a friend hahaha (a stranger but a friend.)

Showing him with being happy and bubbly seems to be the best way to do that IMO
Apple

November 28, 2013 at 12:05 am

Something to add for the last question. When it’s just the two of us, everything is the same as before, we talk and act “mean” to each other, but in friendly way. He doesn’t do it to anyone else, just me and his family.
All are the same except romance/sweetness
1.body contact. Physically we are very close, but most cases is jokingly fighting with each other, when it gets too close/romantic or his body has reactions, he stops, even when he comes close to me himself, like pretending a backhug when we are on the crowded bus. He initiated intimacy twice, but we each called stop one time.
2.romantic talks. We still share topics with deep connections. Only that nothing love/romance. Kinda like a couple married for 40 years.
3.He said he still thinks I’m very beautiful. And he never hated me. BUT given that he claim his feelings are gone during the breakup, and from how he handels his emotion seems he’s accepted the fact of breakup, does it mean he put me in the friend zone, only like, no chance for love?
4.We have many eye contacts, looking deep into each other for a long time, or sometimes he checks whether I’m looking at him when I turn my head to his direction.
So, 1.adding this to the last question, plz help me figure out how he may be feeling, his behavior is so mixed, what made him stop halfway.
2.my question in the third point of this reply.

I have to figure out this in order to take the next move.
admin

November 28, 2013 at 5:45 am

….. thats a lot of questions haha. It’s thanksgiving any way you can simplify this for me..
Apple

November 28, 2013 at 1:16 pm

Haha, makes sense to give you a relaxed Thanksgiving. 🙂 so boils down to 2.
1. What’s LC?
2. He sometimes starts physical contact, but always stops when it gets close. Conversation topic is very close, but atmosphere is too friendly as it’s just 2 weeks after the ugly breakup words he puts, and he doesn’t HATE me about our breakup/fight. Question: how can I interpret his sudden over friendly conversation and mixed physical behavior? Is this a sign of his feelings are gone or tries to pull his feelings away? I’m lost about where we are. Friend or romantically attracted?
admin

November 29, 2013 at 1:50 am

1. Limited Contact
2. No, it sounds like he wants to get physical at times but pulls away b/c of the consequences. It means he is attracted to you but is not quite ready to take that step yet.. its up to you to give him that push he needs.
Apple

November 27, 2013 at 10:52 pm

Another 2 questions
1.Based on our accessibility, second round NC may take 60 days.

Is 60 day too long? Just afraid he won’t think about me at all since traveling with friends and family for such a long period would fully distract him. So shall I contact him some time in between when I know he can be reachable?

2. Physically he’s still attracted by me, and when I tried to push him away, he won’t allow, but when he gets closed me to some point, he stops. He’s jealous when other guys kiss me, but also flirt with other girls in front of me. What’s he thinking?
admin

November 28, 2013 at 5:25 am

1. It could be.. maybe you can try 60 day LC

2. He is physically attracted to you BUT the key is to get him to commit.
Apple

November 27, 2013 at 7:48 pm

Sure I will. My point was that, there’s actually no way to let him see me happy during NC. He even won’t have internet access. And we won’t see each other until February… it’s a bit tricky 🙁

Riri

November 24, 2013 at 7:28 pm

Would a second round of no contact be effective if you and your ex occasionally talk even months after a break-up? I managed to pull off 30 days of no contact a couple months ago and he never contacted me until I got ahold of him.

admin

November 25, 2013 at 7:10 pm

It can be.. But obviously not as effective as the first round initially was if you did it right.
Riri

November 29, 2013 at 2:03 pm

I aced the no contact for 30 days 🙂 but in any case, would extending it to 60 days be more or less effective? Worst case scenario during those 60 days I’d find someone who is just as if not better at making me smile.

Because if I’ve learned anything about being a single girl, it’s that there’s always someone willing to make a pretty girl smile.
admin

November 30, 2013 at 4:36 am

I think 30 days are enough but extending it is up to you.

Very true… about the smiling bit. VERY TRUE!

Karina

November 23, 2013 at 6:42 pm

Hi, again…. I feel the need to explain my relationship because of how insane and tumultuous it is… I’m seventeen I dated my ex for a little over three years and in the summer I broke up with him. I would love to be with him again but I believe I completely and totally extinguished my chances. Our breakup was not messy, at all… I was out and about so I couldn’t see him and I met other guys, I didn’t cheat on him but I was scared it might happen so I broke up with him. We stayed good friends until I began to want a relationship with him, about four months later. First, he told me that we couldn’t date again because we both needed a change in order to have a more successful relationship if we ever dated again. Then he told me he was interested in another girl and just last week he began to date the other girl. The problem is I can safely say I went terminally insane. I cried and begged him to give me another chance multiple times and I wrote him an entire journal of how I felt, which I then gave to him, he told me I was being dramatic. I sent him angry texts, I cussed him out and my health took a dive for the worst. I tried the no contact rule and broke on the fourth day. I called him, (we go to different schools), and he was angry. He accused me of avoiding him and of being immature for not being able to handle a breakup like an adult. The confusing part is that two weeks ago he told me he still had feelings for me and then said that he was going to quell and extinguish any romantic feelings he had for me. Yesterday, when I broke the no contact rule, we ended up losing what little we had of a friendship and now I don’t know what to do. I tried explaining to him that right now it was hard for me to be his friend when he was moving on and he yelled at me and told me that i needed to let it go because it was six months already and that again, I was being immature.I told him I was happy for him and his new relationship and he said thank you for handling it so maturely and that was the end. I don’t know what to do now, because I still want to be his girlfriend but now we aren’t even friends.

admin

November 24, 2013 at 6:27 pm

Well how long have you been in NC?
Karina

November 24, 2013 at 7:14 pm

I had to restart, it’s three days now. Should I just give up on a relationship with him? He has a girlfriend now and I doubt it’s a rebound.
admin

November 25, 2013 at 7:09 pm

No I wouldn’t. Not until you are sure you have no chance.
Karina

November 25, 2013 at 8:04 pm

Hmmmm, okay. Thank you. 🙂 your site has been a great help and hopefully I will get him back.

Ri

November 23, 2013 at 5:24 am

Hello, think you site is brilliant. Wondering if you think I have a shot. My boyfriend and I dated for 6 months and everything was going great we talked about moving in and getting married and when his parents came to visit I spent lots of time with them. We had a breakup at the end of sept because I was upset about something and went home to cool down before talking to him because I didn’t want to talk angry and he got upset about that so we broke up for two days and then worked it out and got back together now fast forward a month later and my mother who I am not on speaking terms with at the moment showed up to his workplace and talked to him. He freaked out that she showed up there and said that that is too much for him to handle even though I had no idea she was going there and he left me. I’m devastated Chris. I started NC right after we broke up but cracked on day 4 and then we had an argument about getting back together the next day. It’s now been day 17 of no contact and I’m feeling awesome! it really has helped me move on or begin to and I feel like myself again and positive. He did say in the breakup that down the road we may get back together and then in our argument said we need time apart and neither of us are in the position to get back together. What do you think Chris? I feel positive about things should I give up? Thanks for reading! 🙂

admin

November 23, 2013 at 8:01 pm

Thanks for enjoying the website.

No I think you should give this a try if you feel that you really want this.
Ri

November 23, 2013 at 10:05 pm

Do you think I should go longer than 30 days? I’m scared to make the first move because I don’t want to appear to be needy or a bother
admin

November 24, 2013 at 7:06 pm

No I think in your situation 30 days is perfect
Ri

November 26, 2013 at 12:43 am

Hey Chris! I will definitely starting contact after 30 days. He ran into my best friend and told her that I seem bitter even thought we haven’t spoken. It’s been day 25 since we last saw each other and day 20 of NC. Is he just saying that because he has expected me to be a text or call gnat and I haven’t been and he’s assuming that because I haven’t spoken to him? I haven’t said anything to come across as bitter to anyone since our break up. He still hasn’t contacted me either. Is she stubborn?
admin

November 26, 2013 at 7:31 pm

Looks like he is very stubborn.
Ri

November 27, 2013 at 5:21 am

Any idea why he would consider me to he bitter? Is it because I’ve implemented NC? I’m on day 21
admin

November 27, 2013 at 8:14 pm

Well that has to do with how you acted during your relationship. Did he perceive you as bitter?
Ri

December 1, 2013 at 7:05 pm

I have another quick question for you Chris. I’m on day 26 of NC! I feel so awesome doing things for me and enjoying myself. He hasn’t contacted me at all. Should I take that as him not caring anymore? Or does he miss me but is too stubborn to admit it. I feel like you should miss someone after not speaking for almost a month. I know I miss him
admin

December 2, 2013 at 6:27 pm

No I would say the stubborn bit you think. Usually its b/c the guy is too stubborn to contact you thats my honest opinion.
Ri

November 27, 2013 at 11:53 pm

Nope I’ve never been perceived as bitter at all during our relationship. I would honestly say maybe I came across as such while he was breaking up with me because I was upset? If I think back it may have seemed that way. And during our argument 5 days after the break up. I was very short worded by the end. That is my only guess. What do you think!
admin

November 28, 2013 at 5:40 am

Wonder why he said the bitter thing then…

That might be it though if you were bitter about the breakup and that was the last thing he remembers…

luli

November 22, 2013 at 8:31 am

i broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years (lived together for 3) i know i was the love of his life and i broke his heart when i left him. we have a dog together so for the 6 months we have remained in contact, hanged out a few times with friends in common and overall had a very positive relationship/friendship. a month ago we started having sex about once a week and spending time together at his place (i initiated this.) it felt so nice and familiar and i know we both had a lot of fun. during this time he posted pic of him and a girl on fb. i knew he was seeing someone but was able to block it off because i wasn’t ready to have “the” conversation with him. we finally did. i told him i was upset he did that and told him this time apart helped me see how much i love him and want to have a life together, that i was sorry i had to go away in order to have this realization, etc. very politely and calmly he turned me down. he said he cares about me but has no interest in getting back together and would like to keep our friendly relationship going. i am devastated but i understand him. my question is, will the NC rule work in this case? i mean, even though i broke up with him he has rejected me now, which basically is as if he had broken up with me. should i be demonstrating him how much i love him and what i would do for him in order to get him back? if the NC rules applies, how should i initiate contact after? by being flirty, by asking to see him right away, by acting as a friend the same way he did after i broke up with him, by bringing up good memories about us? I’ve read all the possibilities you mentioned but i’m unsure which one would be the best in my case. thanks!

Natalie

December 4, 2013 at 1:57 pm

luli I am going through pretty much the SAME situation!! I totally get you 100%. I started NC 2 days ago. I am going to give it a shot. I think deep down he still he must have feelings for me even though he says he has no interest in getting back together. He also posted a pic with a girl he is seeing. We were together 3 years and I broke it off a year ago. It took me a while to realize how much I love him. And we also saw each other like once a month during that year we were apart.

I think NC will have an effect on him because I begged him for like 40 days nonstop and 2 days ago I stopped completely. What do you think?

I would love to know how you are holding up! It´s extremely difficult for me at least.

Natalie.
admin

November 22, 2013 at 8:05 pm

Have you read any of the other guides on this site? It should give you some indication on how to approach the post NC period.

Anne

November 22, 2013 at 8:29 am

Hi Chris, actually I’m from the Philippines and I’ve been reading your articles and you are very good at giving advices, but let me go straight to the point…. It’s not about bringing my ex back or any break up, I just want your advice since you are a guy…. My boyfriend is 36 years old Nd I’m 29, he is really mature, responsible, good looking well pretty much all I ever wanted but the thing is well he is not a text and call gnat like some guys, since I know you guys are not text and call gnats really. He just texts me 2x a day with just “good mornings and good nights” and pretty much how the day ends. We worked for the same company and we rarely see each other as well. Are you guys really not that sweet and appreciative ? Another concern is, he will be taking the bar exam and he will be reviewing for the next five months, will I use the no contact rule, will I even bother to text or call him or visit him since I know he needs time to review but should I even once a month? To check him out, I don’t have the intentions of bugging him, but should I? Or should I just give him space while reviewing….

admin

November 22, 2013 at 8:03 pm

No don’t bug him. I know the temptation is there but don’t do it.

Jenna

November 22, 2013 at 8:24 am

Hey,
I’ve really enjoyed reading your posts. My ex and I were together roughly 6 months. He is/was my person. From our first date it’s was 100% there until a month ago. I had gotten close with his family which no other girl had. He spends pretty much every weekend with them. So family is a key essential part for him. Everything was there between us until we stopped being physical the last 2 weeks of our relationship. The breakup ended with him being honest and saying that I reminded him too much of his sister and that he wasn’t physically attracted to me anymore. We are similar however we look nothing alike. I’m a former beauty queen and have dealt with self esteem building issues my whole life. Normally I can jump back up but this one has thrown me for a loop. I felt that he didn’t give it a true go or try bc we had sorbs the last 4 dates with his family and never made time for intimacy. I know there was no one else. Do you think there is still a chance. I’ve been doing the NC rule for 2 weeks now. I’ve slipped once I’m texting him. Every day we are apart it gets worse and not better. Advice?
Thanks!
-Jenna

admin

November 22, 2013 at 8:02 pm

Yes and you are still soooo early into this that you shouldn’t make any assumptions right now.

Karina

November 22, 2013 at 6:59 am

So I’m attempting NC and am on the third day. The problem is I have to see my ex-boyfriend every Wednesday because of meetings, what should I do? I need help!!!!

admin

November 22, 2013 at 7:54 pm

You are going to have to do limited contact it looks like.

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