Today we’re going to be talking about what your ex wants.

Now let me ask you a simple question: does this sound familiar? You’re talking to your ex and he tells you “I’m not sure what I really want.”

Some of the other common things a man (or woman!) might say when they don’t know what they want:

  • “It’s not about you”
  • “I don’t know how I feel”
  • “I’m just not sure what’s right for me now”
  • “It’s not fair to go any further”
  • “I need time”
  • “My head’s all over the place”
  • “I don’t know if this could work”
  • “I’m not ready”

And so on…any of these sound familiar? They crop up with our clients time and time again!

Your ex could be referring to something as simple as the relationship between you and him, or just life in general. He’s constantly saying he isn’t sure what he wants. What do you do?

Well, that’s what this article is about.

Now, if you’re even considering getting back together with your ex, my biggest recommendation to you is to take my Ex Recovery Chances quiz. It’s a simple quiz to tell you what kind of chance you have of winning your ex back, so you know that you’re not wasting your time in this process.

The quiz is fast and free, so take it now:

If you do that and come back here, and are still wondering what he means when he says he isn’t sure what he wants… allow me to illuminate you.

What Is It That Your Ex Really Wants?

Steve Jobs once said:

A lot of times people don’t know what they want until you show it to them.

I want you to keep that in mind throughout this article. It’s the mantra and theme you should be living by.

My goal is to show you what we have found (through our years of research) attracts men in general.

So what are men ultimately attracted to? What do they want? What do they mean when they say they don’t know?

In all of our years of research, it boils down to one simple thing.

They Want The Ungettable Girl

Yes, that special girl, or woman, who combines beauty and brains, and is always seemingly somehow unattainable.

It’s simply the terminology we’ve adopted over the years, but rest assured this works for women, girls, boys, men…anyone.

This is the person that, regardless of anything else going on in their lives, regardless of how much they say they aren’t ready for anything right now, a man would work hard to be with.

The Ungettable Girl is that powerful.

The questions you have at this point are, what is the Ungettable Girl, and how do I become Ungettable?

Well, let’s tackle that!

How Do I Become Ungettable?

Ungettable can actually be a little difficult to define, because each specific man will have his own version of what the Ungettable Girl looks like. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, after all.

But here is the interesting thing we’ve found. Certain patterns develop between these unobtainable women, these women who can make men all of sudden interested.

Note that becoming the Ungettable Girl isn’t just designed to attract men, be it your ex or anyone else. That would make you shallow and ultimately boring, not Ungettable at all!

Being Ungettable is all about being the absolute best version of yourself possible, for yourself, which then makes you super attractive to others.

I am not suggesting that you bend over backwards to be what you think your ex or anyone else wants, because that pretence would not be much use in a long-term romantic relationship, which I assume is what you want.

However, you do have an advantage when working out what your ex’s version of the Ungettable Girl is. You’ve already spent time with him, after all. You know what made your time with him amazing, and what didn’t work, for both of you.

You attracted him and were with him for a certain period of time which suggests that you had some (or even many) of his Ungettable Girl qualities.

Being Ungettable is about being a well-rounded, interested and interesting person, the girl/woman who makes others feel good about themselves, loves life despite its trials, and projects a great vibe.

This is irresistible to your ex

You will also find old exes crawling out of the woodwork and new men showing their interest!

We see this time and time again in our success stories and with our Facebook group members (a community of over 3,000 people and part of the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro package).

Get the Fairy Tale Feeling Back Again With Our Step By Step Guide To Getting Your Ex Back

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Now I’m going to tell you about four of the main patterns we’ve noticed that Ungettable Girls have.

There are way more than four qualities making up the Ungettable Girl, and I discuss the concept in more detail in PDF bonus you get when you join Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro, and in my upcoming book The Ungettable Girl, which will go into this in a huge amount of detail.

This concept of the Ungettable Girl is that important.

Ungettable Girl Quality 1 – The Book Versus The Cover

For years there has been the age-old debate of what matters to men – looks or personality.

So let me ask you a question. Let’s say you go into a bookstore and you buy a new book.

Problem is, you buy the book based on the attractiveness of the cover and the first impression it gives in a few words on the back.

You read it and you hate it.

So what is the ultimate thing that makes an impression on you when you buy and read a book? Is it the cover, or is it the whole book?

In my opinion, what matters more should be the whole book – the plot, the characters, the all of the stuff that allows you to connect with the story, enjoy it and remember it.

But interestingly enough, it’s not the ultimate way that you make your purchase decision. In an ideal world the book and the cover will be amazing, but how often do we live in an ideal world?

Personally ~I have found that there is no better analogy than this book versus cover idea to explain the dichotomy between looks versus personality.

Oftentimes women obsess about Ungettable Girls and look at beautiful models in magazines and Instagram. My response to them is, that girl is not Ungettable, she’s just pretty.

There’s more to being ungettable than just looks

So what you need to realise about men is yes, looks matter, but personality matters just as much.

Any woman whose looks turn heads will be able to get lots of men interested in her. But if her personality doesn’t match up, she’s going to find a lot of those men’s interest will fade away.

Women who make the mistake of thinking that their looks is all they need to get them the man they want often find themselves unhappy with their love lives.

And we’ve all met people who are stunning to look at, but can’t seem to keep a partner. You only have to look at some celebrities, who spend endless money on clothes, plastic surgery and so on – but can’t stay married for more than a year.

Don’t get me wrong. Looks are important to a man, and a big part of being the Ungettable Girl is looking your best. Working on your health, dressing to suit your figure and style, and having a general pride in your appearance, are things that men will notice.

But they are only the icing on the cake, the cover of the book. When he dives inside, what’s he going to find?

This is where you as an individual can shine. Your own unique interests, experiences, upbringing, opinions, education – the whole package that makes you YOU. (And not all of these facets have to be positive and perfect by the way – that’s what makes you a unique and fascinating person with more to talk about than your latest manicure.)

So, whether you’re heartbroken, desperate or just furious with your ex, turn that around and start to focus on yourself. This is something we recommend as part of the Ex Recovery Pro strategy, particularly while you are in No Contact.

Working on the three aspects of yourself that we call the Holy Trinity (health, wealth and relationships) will remind you of what an awesome human being you are.

It will give you time and space to discover (or rediscover) your interests, to focus on excelling in your career or job, to revive old friendships and strengthen existing ones.

Once you value yourself and understand your worth, your happiness and positive vibes will resonate with everyone around you, and this is very powerful when you are looking to attract the right man (be that your ex or someone else).

Ungettable Quality 2 – Stability Versus Mystery

Early on in the development of my business, I began to notice a really interesting trend developing among my clients. Those who were seemingly only stable but didn’t provide enough mystery or adventure to their exes, became boring.

On the other hand, those who were only adventurous or only mysterious but didn’t provide enough stability – also became boring.

Here’s the important thing you need to realise. This is kind of the yin and yang of being Ungettable.

Yes, you need to show your ex that you are stable – but you also need to retain a sense of mystery, adventure and excitement

How emotionally stable are you? Do you need constant reassurance? Are you always asking how much he loves you, if he’s serious, where things are going? If he doesn’t call for a few days, are you getting on with your life, or are you freaking out and choking his phone with messages? If he changes plans at the last minute, are you sure he’s going to break up with you, or do you shrug and go and do something fabulous without him? If you’re trying to get him back, do you contact him constantly and cry down the phone?

This goes back to the idea of the book versus the cover. You are not just there to look pretty and hang off his arm. If that’s all he wants from a woman, he’s probably not going to give you a satisfying, intimate and loving relationship (which I presume is what you want here).

So, you are your own woman. You have a life, however that may be structured – maybe you have loads of friends to hang out with, or maybe you can happily head off on your own for an adventure. It doesn’t matter.

What matters is that you are not reliant on him for your own happiness

Work on being in control of your own emotions and your own life.

This being said, a man might say, “There just wasn’t enough chemistry there.” Oftentimes when they say chemistry, they’re talking about that mystery factor (and I don’t mean just sexual attraction).

How mysterious are you, how adventurous are you, how exciting are the experiences that you have together?

Have you told him everything about yourself, your family, friends, exes, pets, job etc. within the first few dates? Does he always know where you are and what you’re up to? Do you let him into the absolute minutiae of your daily life, before you are in a long-term committed relationship?

Remember what Albert Einstein once said:

The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science.

So don’t remove all the mystery that surrounds you.

He shouldn’t know, and doesn’t need to know, exactly what you’re up to. (And you, too, don’t need to track his every move.)

When you two do get together, you want to have something to talk about – your latest fantastic coup at work, your crazy night out with your girlfriends, your achievements at your basket-making class – whatever it is.

He might just wonder why he lost out to that Pilates class or mud run; why you prefer your own activities to going to a bar to watch the game with him.

So say you’re busy, sometimes – and be busy, getting on with the aspects of your life that don’t involve him. Even if you’re married, you should have these aspects to your life, so you should certainly have them while you are single or dating!

If you’re passionate about veganism, for example – he doesn’t need to get involved in your activism or your recipe planning. Heck, he doesn’t even need to approve, because you are not looking for his approval in everything.

You are the Ungettable Girl, with interests and facets to your personality that he may never manage to unravel. This is really the kernel of Ungettable – he never quite gets to see and know absolutely everything.

Men like a challenge. Most of us like a challenge! So give him a package that he can continue to unwrap, a book that really makes him think.

Now back to the yin and yang idea. Twisted around each other, the two sides of yin and yang represent


And this is what you need to have to really rock this particular Ungettable Girl quality.

Having too much stability can become boring. Don’t be too predictable. Act on your impulses whims and desires. Don’t get stuck in a rut; enjoy different things, inject some excitement into your life.

On the flip-side too much adventure and mystery and not enough stability can become a bit scary! If he thinks he can’t rely on you, if you’re always shooting off to do the exciting thing, if you’re a crazy party animal but never have time to spend just with him…this will upset the balance too. Let him know you can be there for him too.

While you are trying to reconnect with your ex, you need to show that you can provide a good amount of both stability and excitement. Pique his curiosity with the cool things you’re doing, and make him wonder who you were with, what you did next…all while showing you are doing just fine emotionally.

What Ungettable Girls do extremely well is balance these two aspects. And this is a constant, ever-changing process.

Ungettable Quality 3 – First Experiences Together

When I explain this concept to my clients they are often a little confused. So the analogy I use for them is imagine you’re going into a movie for the first time. You watch it you love it and it becomes your favourite movie. In fact, immediately afterwards you want to see it again, so you do. You see it again. It’s just as exciting, but it lacks a little something. So you go and see it again. It’s good, but it’s not like the first time you saw it.

That’s how first experiences are.

There’s something that connects us when we go on dates
where we experience something with that person for the first time.

If your ex takes you on a date that he has taken someone else on, he’s not going to get the same feelings for it as you are if it’s the first time you’ve been on this date.

So what you’re typically looking to do is to hang out with your ex or go on a date where you’re experiencing something together for the first time.

There’s no better bonding agent or bonding date than doing just that. You’ll both be at maximum emotions as you guys are experiencing this for the very first time.

It doesn’t need to be anything expensive, a grand gesture, or an extreme experience. You can just choose a new neighbourhood or street to explore and grab lunch in.

If he was always the one to choose the location of dates, insist that it’s your turn to plan something.

Ask him to meet you somewhere he would never expect you to go. If you love upscale wine bars, try the latest hippy juice bar. If you would usually get coffee at a particular chain, pick another one. If you usually go for action movies, try a low-budget indie. If you always walk in the same park, head to a mountain or the beach instead. Wear bright colors if black is more your thing (the classic red dress is a great attractant; black is mysterious).

This ties into the above idea of mystery and excitement. Doing something different will interest him more than the same old things he expects you to suggest. And it’s infinitely better than going to all the places you went when you were first together – you are trying to make new and better memories.

The worst that can happen is that the experience is awful – then at least you can laugh about it together!

Doing things this way, you will create your own stories, a narrative for your relationship that doesn’t always include the same restaurant, the same hotel for weekend escapes, the same neighbourhood for your shopping…

Experience the world together, and grow stronger.

Ungettable Quality 4 – They Leave You Wanting More

Leaving your ex wanting more is something essential if you want to catch and keep their interest.

So, how do you do that?

Let me show you.

12 thoughts on “My Ex Isn’t Sure What He Wants”

  1. Avatar


    October 9, 2019 at 10:39 am

    Hi there,

    My boyfriend and I broke up just over a month ago, and have been in no contact ever since apart from one message. This article rings true to me as he stated his reason for breaking up was that he was unsure of whether we were right together, and was worried that he’d hurt me further down the line. He said he couldn’t commit 100% and that I deserved to be with someone who could. I know we are really good as a partnership together, and I can’t stop thinking about him. I am unsure of whether he will ever come back though, as he has his pick of women – he’s highly attractive to women and whilst we were together even had a lot of attention…..I’m not sure how to be “the ungettable girl” when there are so many comparisons for him 🙁

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 9, 2019 at 8:35 pm

      Hi Sarah, the Ungettable woman knows her worth and knows that she is the best a man can get its more than simple looks in this field its about being fearless, strong, confident, literally being the best version of yourself. Dont feel less than anyone else you know your ex and you know his likes and dislikes so you have information to work on there to make him notice you again

  2. Avatar


    October 6, 2019 at 12:36 am

    Hi, i was in a ldr and we both lived in different countries. We recently broke up because he said he just wasnt sure about our future together anymore and her has alot of family issues along with a mentally draining job so he could not commit. I have been in nc for 27 days now. We were together for almost 2 years. I also noticed he was very codependent on his mother, they were extrmely close and it was almost like he has no boundaries. My question is, would nc work on someone who has codependent tendencies with his mother?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 6, 2019 at 2:22 pm

      Hi Sarah, so yes it will still work but you already know that his mother will influence his decision with his life choices. So if he likes you then that is to your advantage

  3. Avatar


    October 2, 2019 at 6:54 pm

    My ex and I were together for almost a year. We talked about marriage, children, the whole package. We had 2-3 fights due to bad communication and him not reaching out for a few days after we had a disagreement. Also, I am very sentitive and can be a bit aggresive and want answers asap, which clearly does not help. In the last weeks of the relationship, after he had a major surgery and needed someone to be by his side (dr orders) I heard “I am not there emotionally” and “I cannot offer you what you want” and finally “This is too much pressure”. Since then, I did 21 NC, and started posting profesional pictures on FB. He texted to make compliments. I sent a message saying there were lots of changes in my life… and he contacted me a couple of times. It’s been almost two weeks since then, and I tried to send a one line text to him again and I get no answer. I do not want to insist anymore, what do I do now?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 2, 2019 at 8:05 pm

      Hey Juniper, so when you reach out your texts should be about getting him curious and interested in talking to you. Look up some articles about texting your ex and use that as a guide.

  4. Avatar


    October 1, 2019 at 11:45 pm

    My ex boyfriend and I broke up about three weeks ago after 4 years of relationship. The reasons according to him was that he isnt feeling himself, i deserve better and that he needs to find himself. He was heart broken when he told me that it was over which took me by surpise why? We haven’t spoken since then. I have been doing no contact since then working on myself and focusing on achieving my own personal goals. But I dont know how to reconnect when the time comes that I’m fully ready to reach to out to him?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 2, 2019 at 6:08 pm

      Hi Lola, there area few articles here about how to reach out for the first time after a No Contact use them to help you

  5. Avatar


    October 1, 2019 at 6:42 am

    My ex broke up with me after 3 years because he said he didn’t know if he felt the same anymore ( because as it does after 3 years – the relationship was comfortable and his words plodding along ). He was devastated when he said it was over- so why is he breaking up? We hadn’t spoke since it happened (3 days) but then my gran died who he was close to. I messaged him to let him know and he said he was still really upset and that he doesn’t want us to cut each other out and that he will always be there for me to talk to. Our relationship was great we barely argued he just didn’t know if he saw a future together…. I know he is upset so why isn’t he asking to get back together? What can I do about this? Obviously now back to no contact but his messages were so nice. Is he just going to move on?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 1, 2019 at 7:52 pm

      Hi Em, so if things became “stale” or as he puts it plodding along what can happen is we get bored, and think there is more to life or that we can find someone who will give us excitement. You can get into routines and patterns where it becomes boring. So if you want him back you need to start doing interesting things with your life, things you know he would have loved to do, and post these things to your social media, he’s going to see them and feel like hes missed out. Do this during your NC and also after too. Im sorry about your grandmother xx

  6. Avatar


    September 30, 2019 at 6:48 pm

    So I have an interesting kind of situation. This guy and I dated once and he up and disappeared. He came back this year after I blocked him on everything. He literally stalked my work profile to get my number. He apologized profusely and… sure why not. So I had a car accident that I’m still recovering from and while I made some improvements there a lot of issues from it that involves every area of my life. I told him … I am a mess (like forget ungettable woman – I need a year to get back to where I was). BUT I’m still holding my own -even physically…. it’s just a struggle to regain what was lost. So anyway… he comes in. We get 6 months into this… everything appears to be going well, even better than the first time. He’s helpful. He listens. He was texting everyday or calling if we were apart. Then this weekend he fell silent. Then he texts me yesterday and said he just isn’t feeling it. Just being through so much I could not even really say that much but I asked him if he had an explanation and he talked around and around in circles. And I was like I don’t understand because I told you that my life was not pretty before you chose to walk in it, and he swears that wasn’t it. So I said, ok this is your life and it’s your choice but I don’t understand. I didn’t ask you to come back. I didn’t ask you to stay. If you weren’t ‘interested or feeling it’ why would you stay this long? And he said, I don’t understand, did you expect me to marry you? Which that threw me off. And I said, No… I’m just trying to make it through September (which has been a particularly rough month overall) but it is what it is. I’ll be fine -good luck to you. And then I blocked him on everything.

    What? My head is swirling with a million questions. I can’t even figure out what went wrong. Or why a guy would go through so many lengths to come back the first time? And why even get involved if you knew my life was crazy?

    Perspective at all because I’m so confused.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 1, 2019 at 8:47 pm

      Hi Laura, I’m sorry you’re going through such a hard time! As for why he made such an effort to come back into your life and then made the effort. It could have been the chase that created from you not reaching out to him or begging him to get in touch with you after the first date. It may be the same situation now, even though you have blocked him everywhere he may try again when he realises that the grass isn’t greener out there and he tries to get back in touch with you.

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