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Loulou
November 23, 2016 at 10:14 pm
Hey everyone, I posted on this site a while back but I can’t find the thread I was on. So, I’ll start again but keep it brief. My ex and I met through work and he was 14 years younger. I never in a million years thought I’d ever get into something with a 23 year old when I was 38, but one date led to another and when our friends and family were so accepting I was persuaded. He was head over heels and our honeymoon period was amazing. He couldn’t have been more attentive or made me feel more special. 5 months into our relationship my dad died suddenly and he was the best support ever. My mother moved in with us as a temporary thing but a free years down the line was still here, even though she had her own place. We were pregnant just over a year into our relationship and had a scan. He wanted us to have a baby more than anything but I had a miscarriage after 9 weeks. It ruined him but we got through. We had another miscarriage a year later. He didn’t handle it very well. He left not long after but within a couple of weeks he was texting and wanted to come back. Since then he had left 4 times in our 5 year relationship, saying we are on different paths and don’t have the same interests. He’s very active and loves the outdoors, I jump out of planes but that’s about as outdoors as I’ve been in a long time since dad died. Anyway, each time he’s left he’s always initiated contact within a few weeks and after a month or 2 we get back together. Each time he still wants to try for a baby. We split up in May 2016, same reasons as always, he doesn’t see a future for us as we like different things etc. and again within 3-4 weeks he’s saying he’s so low and misses me. So we got back and one night argued when drunk. He goes to a very strange place when drunk, his friends recognize this too. The next morning ( in June 2016) I got up and said I’m leaving. ( he is now 28 and I’m 43). He broke down and said he’d been thinking of propsing in October when we were going away. I stayed. In August he went on his annual canoe club trip to France for 2 weeks , 88 people went. He text every night saying how much he missed and loved me but on the 2nd Wednesday he didn’t text. On the Thursday he text saying the holiday had put thing into perspective and we’d talk when he got home in 2 days. He got home to his own house ( we were living together mostly at mine but he also had his own house) but instead of coming to talk to me he took off on his motorcycle alone for 5 nights. He then came to see me and said its over. He’d found himself when away and we have to split for good this time. He said he loves me as a friend but no longer as a partner, something he’s never said before. He said he hadn’t met anyone else. I found out a few days later from his best friend that he’d met someone on that Wednesday night in France. She is the same age as me but also had 3 kids, twin boys aged 11 and a 6 year old daughter. She is into the same things as him. What I don’t understand is how he could be texting right up to the moment he met her, telling me how he missed me and was looking forward to us going away soon etc. I did 30 days nc and then text saying I was taking my nephew to a monkey sanctuary he volunteers in and jut giving a heads up incase he’s there. He replied straight away saying how it had changed there since I was there last and hoped we’d have a great day. We had a couple of texts back and forth and that was it. Then I text a few weeks later asking if he’d changed a financial thing of mine back to my email account as it was in his name. He replied coldly saying he hadn’t had the chance. I said lets meet for a coffee as I was in a place where I’m ready to be friends. He didn’t reply. Then about 3 weeks later he sent a text, 3 days before my birthday saying he didn’t know if I was going away so wishing me a happy birthday there and then. I replied briefly saying thank you and not going away and planned to go out to watch the rugby. He replied saying he hadn’t seen any of the recent games and how were they going. I replied with smalltalk but he didn’t reply. Then I saw his grandparents in a local shop and talked to his mother on the phone. She said she missed me and would try to call and see me soon. I text him that day to say id seen his grandparents and spoke to his mum and if he’s free let’s go for a motorcycle ride but he didn’t reply. That was over a week ago. Also, he still hasn’t swapped over my fiancé stuff back to my email, after 3 months. What do I do here? I still love him so much but feel like he’s moved o. And it’s too late. Surely a rebound or gigs would have ended by now?? Especially as he is so much younger and she had 3 kids? I have none. Is it time to give up?? Also…… Sorry, I didn’t keep it brief!! But need advice. Feeling so lonely and helpless. I’ve done the whole self improvement and active on Facebook with positive stuff thing. Any advice would be appreciated?? Xxxxx
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 26, 2016 at 1:59 pm
Hi Loulou,
If it’s gigs, it’s less likely that it will end fast because if it’s gigs, that means he sees the other woman better. And I think 30 days was not enough. Yes, it has been 3 months, but there was no restart.. with your recent effort, it looked like you were chasing him. Another nc of 30 or 45 days is not a guarantee and the more you do it, the less the effect. Also, if you’re going to do it, you really have to look like you’ve accepted and that you’re moving on for a restart. With all the back and forth, it looks it would be better to do a longer than usual nc too.
Loulou
November 23, 2016 at 8:53 pm
Hey everyone, I posted on this site a while back but I can’t find the thread I was on. So, I’ll start again but keep it brief. My ex and I met through work and he was 14 years younger. I never in a million years thought I’d ever get into something with a 23 year old when I was 38, but one date led to another and when our friends and family were so accepting I was persuaded. He was head over heels and our honeymoon period was amazing. He couldn’t have been more attentive or made me feel more special. 5 months into our relationship my dad died suddenly and he was the best support ever. My mother moved in with us as a temporary thing but a free years down the line was still here, even though she had her own place. We were pregnant just over a year into our relationship and had a scan. He wanted us to have a baby more than anything but I had a miscarriage after 9 weeks. It ruined him but we got through. We had another miscarriage a year later. He didn’t handle it very well. He left not long after but within a couple of weeks he was texting and wanted to come back. Since then he had left 4 times in our 5 year relationship, saying we are on different paths and don’t have the same interests. He’s very active and loves the outdoors, I jump out of planes but that’s about as outdoors as I’ve been in a long time since dad died. Anyway, each time he’s left he’s always initiated contact within a few weeks and after a month or 2 we get back together. Each time he still wants to try for a baby. We split up in May 2016, same reasons as always, he doesn’t see a future for us as we like different things etc. and again within 3-4 weeks he’s saying he’s so low and misses me. So we got back and one night argued when drunk. He goes to a very strange place when drunk, his friends recognize this too. The next morning ( in June 2016) I got up and said I’m leaving. ( he is now 28 and I’m 43). He broke down and said he’d been thinking of propsing in October when we were going away. I stayed. In August he went on his annual canoe club trip to France for 2 weeks , 88 people went. He text every night saying how much he missed and loved me but on the 2nd Wednesday he didn’t text. On the Thursday he text saying the holiday had put thing into perspective and we’d talk when he got home in 2 days. He got home to his own house ( we were living together mostly at mine but he also had his own house) but instead of coming to talk to me he took off on his motorcycle alone for 5 nights. He then came to see me and said its over. He’d found himself when away and we have to split for good this time. He said he loves me as a friend but no longer as a partner, something he’s never said before. He said he hadn’t met anyone else. I found out a few days later from his best friend that he’d met someone on that Wednesday night in France. She is the same age as me but also had 3 kids, twin boys aged 11 and a 6 year old daughter. She is into the same things as him. What I don’t understand is how he could be texting right up to the moment he met her, telling me how he missed me and was looking forward to us going away soon etc. I did 30 days nc and then text saying I was taking my nephew to a monkey sanctuary he volunteers in and jut giving a heads up incase he’s there. He replied straight away saying how it had changed there since I was there last and hoped we’d have a great day. We had a couple of texts back and forth and that was it. Then I text a few weeks later asking if he’d changed a financial thing of mine back to my email account as it was in his name. He replied coldly saying he hadn’t had the chance. I said lets meet for a coffee as I was in a place where I’m ready to be friends. He didn’t reply. Then about 3 weeks later he sent a text, 3 days before my birthday saying he didn’t know if I was going away so wishing me a happy birthday there and then. I replied briefly saying thank you and not going away and planned to go out to watch the rugby. He replied saying he hadn’t seen any of the recent games and how were they going. I replied with smalltalk but he didn’t reply. Then I saw his grandparents in a local shop and talked to his mother on the phone. She said she missed me and would try to call and see me soon. I text him that day to say id seen his grandparents and spoke to his mum and if he’s free let’s go for a motorcycle ride but he didn’t reply. That was over a week ago. Also, he still hasn’t swapped over my fiancé stuff back to my email, after 3 months. What do I do here? I still love him so much but feel like he’s moved o. And it’s too late. Surely a rebound or gigs would have ended by now?? Especially as he is so much younger and she had 3 kids? I have none. Is it time to give up?? Also…… Sorry, I didn’t keep it brief!! But need advice. Feeling so lonely and helpless. I’ve done the whole self improvement and active on Facebook with positive stuff thing. Any advice would be appreciated?? Xxxxx
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 26, 2016 at 1:59 pm
Hi Loulou,
If it’s gigs, it’s less likely that it will end fast because if it’s gigs, that means he sees the other woman better. And I think 30 days was not enough. Yes, it has been 3 months, but there was no restart.. with your recent effort, it looked like you were chasing him. Another nc of 30 or 45 days is not a guarantee and the more you do it, the less the effect. Also, if you’re going to do it, you really have to look like you’ve accepted and that you’re moving on for a restart. With all the back and forth, it looks it would be better to do a longer than usual nc too.
Mary
November 23, 2016 at 3:52 pm
First off, I need to say thank you for all the help I’ve received on this site! My boyfriend and I of two years broke up in the middle of August and he left me for another woman (a mutual friend) but only saw her for 1.5-2 months before coming back to me. We are not officially back together because I was very hurt by everything that happened and need a lot of time to regain the trust that we once had. But I went through NC, initiated texting and that didn’t work 100% the way I hope but ultimately it succeeded. We began talking on the phone and then seeing each other in real life on our own, with our friends (we’re in the same friend group) before coming to a conversation about “us” and the future.
Anyways so we broke up because we’re from different countries and he was graduating from his Master’s and even though I was already planning on moving to the same city as him next year he felt like he went through a mid-life crisis when he broke up with me. We had both been dealing with personal issues and before I had stubbornly thought I needed to return to my home country until we broke up and I realized I don’t have a preference either way. Anyways, a mutual friend of ours manipulated both of us because she was desperate for love/affection/attention and was the only person who knew we weren’t doing well. She somehow managed to convince my ex to break up with me and a few weeks later they started seeing one another. He realized that wasn’t what he wanted at all but I had been so heartbroken about the betrayal that I told him he needed to make their relationship worth breaking my heart and fucking up our friend group (right when we broke up I said that) so he stayed with her longer thinking his feeling for her might change but ultimately realized he’s still in love with me (which I knew was going to happen).
Anyways, he hasn’t been seeing her since the end of October and has been talking to me all the time since November began. I still love him and know he still loves me and we are super compatible with one another… really the only issues we had were his poor communication skills and the fact that we were from different countries…. and he’s trying to work on his communication skills before we even consider getting back together. He lost a lot of our good friends when he broke up with me because none of them liked the girl he left me for, and so I told him if our friends can’t forgive you then neither should I. But my other issue is that he slept with this girl when he was seeing her (and not just once). I know we weren’t together but idk I knew he still loved me and knew he’d come back to me and even though he was incredibly confused with what he wanted in life him sleeping with her makes me feel like he cheated on me. Which he didn’t. But it’s something I’m not sure I can get over. I want to, but I just don’t know. I’m also curious about their relationship but don’t know how much to ask so I understand without asking too much that it’s damaging to us getting back together.
Please let me know your thoughts!
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 26, 2016 at 12:01 pm
Hi Mary,
have you had a heart to heart talk? If you did and you need time to heal, put that first..
Lora
November 14, 2016 at 4:30 pm
Just wondering what advice you would give someone in my situation. I met my ex online and we fell in love pretty fast. We talked for hours on end daily for 10 months before we finally met. Once we did meet, it was perfect. However, visits were few and far in between for reasons of jobs, scheduling conflicts, etc. Not easy to take a 4 hour trip every weekend. But we had all these plans of me moving in June and getting married. The problem started last week, he just completely quit talking to me and I found out he started seeing someone else. When he finally did talk to me he said it was a mistake, he was going to end it with her and wanted to repair the damage he had caused. That night though it completely changed again and he chose her. I’m usually not the type to fight for someone especially when they left me for someone else, but I feel like the only reason this is happening is because I wasn’t moved there yet and that this is just easier for him to pick her because she’s there. He wasn’t just my bf but my best friend. Is there any hope on me getting him back and fixing our relationship
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 15, 2016 at 6:30 pm
HI Lora,
Real love doesn’t work that way, plus he knows that you’re moving there someday. It looks like, he isn’t really that serious. If you really want to try, at least do a no contact rule.
Rachel
November 4, 2016 at 6:17 pm
I have a problem. I am my exs best friend and he is mine. A few months ago he broke things off with me because “he couldn’t get this girl off of is mind and it wasn’t fair to me”. After reading a lot of articles on this site I have figured out that she’s an “ungettable” girl. She would constantly ignore him and then pull him in and then ignore him and then pull him in. And it worked on him like a charm… I’m in the process of trying to get him back- I just initiated the no contact period. What do I do? I feel out of my league with this. He fell out of love with me because he was chasing this girl and now it looks like they might start a relationship. I’m heartbroken and torn up over this and I just want to figure out how to get him back. Because I know they aren’t good for one another (based on their personalities) and I know for a fact that if she hadn’t come into the picture I would still be with my ex. Please I need some guidance.
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 6, 2016 at 2:16 pm
Hi Rachel,
be the ungettable girl too.. Your edge is you had memories, they didnt.. Even if they get together, he’ll unconsciously compare you to her, once he does and checks you, be prepared..So, be active in posting social media..show that you’re moving on..
Sash
October 31, 2016 at 8:39 pm
My ex and I had been together for 6 years and we were engaged, we broke off since July he indicated we had unresolved issues and it appears the relationship is not growing. He stated he wanted to move out which he did. After the breakup I didnt handled it well.
But soon after I started my research,I began reading and researching since then I completed my no contact rule. I text him recently stating I saw a commercial that reminded me of when we had gone on a mini-vacation, he replied and said good memories. After which I also text him saying that I had reflected on the breakup and I fully believe that the break up was the right thing to do. He responded and said it was the best for both of us and he his glad that I could see that.
Also stated to him that it would be foolish if we throw away this great friendship and would love if we could hang out some time.
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 1, 2016 at 3:31 pm
Hi Sash,
how long did you do the no contact rule and how much did you improve?
Silvia
October 23, 2016 at 11:27 am
Hi, I have a situation. My boyfriend broke up with me last week because we ‘don’t work well as a team under pressure ‘ and because we ‘have different interests’ and while I agree with his first reason, I think it’s something we could work on together but he said ‘if we’ve been together this long and nothing has changed why would it now?’ We we’re together for almost a year. Which brings me to this.. when I first met him he was still seeing his ex, but I had no idea. She came to visit and I ended up meeting her and finding out he was seeing us both at the same time, I confronted him and broke up with him. He begged and pleaded for us to get back together and after a while I gave him another chance and we were happy until recently. He had no contact with her he actually unfriended her on Facebook after everything happened. Now it’s been a week since we broke up and I saw on Facebook that they’ve recently become friends again. What should I do because I want him back but this hurts so much? I’m currently 11days into no contact but I’m confused
Silvia
November 10, 2016 at 9:18 am
Today is day 30 of NC, i haven’t heard from my ex since day 3. I will travel to London tomorrow so I think this is the perfect time to send a first contact message. I’ve made changes in my life: exercise routine, made new friends, left the country twice for weekend trips, started going out more and started reading more books. But these changes I’ve made are not obvious because I’m really bad with social media! I posted a few pictures but nothing like what he has been posting. How will he know that I’ve changed?
prior to us breaking up he avoided me for 2 weeks because we argued loads over summer. 1 week before we broke up we met to talk and I acknowledged and accepted responsibility for my role in all our problems then apologised for them he did not do the same. A week later we broke up and I went straight into no contact and what I said above is where I am now.
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 13, 2016 at 5:08 pm
well, there’s no other way around but just to be active in posting because you dont have any other means.
Silvia
November 1, 2016 at 5:08 pm
Hi Amor. I went straight into no contact after my breakup and its 21days now but I’m beginning to feel discouraged. My ex hasn’t contacted me and he is also travelling to new places every weekend with our mutal friends (things we usually did together). It seems like he is much happier without me and he has no trouble moving on as he has distractions, I don’t think he thinks about me. I want to contact him next weekend after the 30 days however i’m scared he will ignore me
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 2, 2016 at 7:06 pm
if you are active in the no contact rule, if you improved yourself, that when he checks your account, he would think you are starting to move on, then it’s ok to initiate contact because he would probably think you’re just being friendly
Silvia
October 28, 2016 at 12:48 pm
Thanks Amor, so very last thing. I went straight into no contact after my boyfriend broke up with me, i am on day 17 now however last night I went for some drinks with a friend and he was at the bar with his mates. I didn’t speak to him the whole time I was there, I socialised with other people and also left before he did. Does this mean I’ve broken the no contact rule? (it’s not mentioned in the exceptions) and do you think I should extend my no contact period?
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 29, 2016 at 1:54 am
nope , dont worry, you didn’t break the no contact rule.
Silvia
October 26, 2016 at 5:23 am
Thanks for replying. I’m worried that it’s not just a rebound though, and maybe being with me made him realise he wants her. Hes 30 and I’m 22 and this girl is 23 but Even I think she’s more suited to him, but she lives in another country which is the only thing that makes me have hope.
Also, my ex an I are neighbours and live in a small town. So far I’m 15 days into no contact I don’t know how I’ve managed to not see him but he also hasn’t contacted me, since day 3 of no contact but that was just to give me his new phone number. What do you think?
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 27, 2016 at 7:54 pm
then it’s really more likely a rebound because it’s hard to have a long distance relationship…
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 24, 2016 at 11:52 pm
Hi Silvia,
he’s probably using her as a rebound.. focus in improving yourself during no contacf..check this no contact:
EBR 060: “Dating Yourself” During No Contact With Veronica Grant
Nic
October 14, 2016 at 4:24 pm
I’ll try to keep this as short as I can. My ex broke up with me almost three months ago, telling me he no longer loved had the same feelings and that he had changed. He stated that he didn’t want a relationship. I haven’t had any contact from him since then (I successfully implemented the no contact rule and have continued it even now). I cut contact with him and unfollowed him on Facebook (remained friends, but didn’t want to see his feed). About a month ago, I discovered he had hooked up with his ex again. She’s away at college right now (we’re both seniors in high school). They’re aren’t “official”, but he supposedly calls her at night and talks to her. Before he had hooked up with his ex again, he had made out with her best friend over the summer (I don’t know if it was while we were together or not, and I don’t want to know preferably). After I found this out, I unfriended him.
However, that’s not my issue. My issue is that I’ve been dressing up, implementing the no contact rule, and it seems like he doesn’t even notice/care. He doesn’t look at me, if anything, he makes sure he doesn’t look at me. I feel like I’m losing at this. I know I’m prettier than his ex (both personality and appearance, because she’s very petty and immature). I don’t know if I’m doing something wrong or if I’m just incapable of being the unbeatable girl.
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 14, 2016 at 5:18 pm
Hi Nic,
break the ice.. just smile if you run into each other. Yeah, he may not be all over you but that doesn’t mean he can’t see your improvements.
Marie
October 9, 2016 at 6:16 pm
When you say patience, how long do you think it would take? Obviously if he’s into her a lot, it could be a long relationship or could be as long as the honeymoon period (months to years). If they break up after a long time, and you are still interested in him, is it possible to reignite the attraction after a year or two? The thing is, he will have to get over THAT breakup or be the one to break up with her, and then you are dealing with someone who only wants her back? I guess my question is, will there be too much water under the bridge if they go through a full cycle of a relationship (honeymoon, steady, breakup)
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 11, 2016 at 9:50 am
You have to be observant and be strong enough to stick to your standards.. if you see that he’s still into her ex, you have to walk away.
Ellen
October 9, 2016 at 8:56 am
My ex and I were together for about 8 months he broke up with me 10 days ago and is already posting instagrams with his new girlfriend out and about. I feel really betrayed sent him a message yesterday saying I didnt really want anything to do with him. My main issue is I work with him and leaving my job isnt an immediate option so I inevitably have to see his face every single day. Im not sure what to do in terms of making him see he’s made a mistake. Although I can do the no contact rule in terms of not interacting I do have to see him which makes it very difficult. He does seem extremely happy with this new girl and based on his response yesterday doesn’t seem to think he’s done anything wrong. What is the best approach when seeing your ex is inevitable?
Jess
October 18, 2016 at 4:43 am
I suppose I was originally the “other” girl, though I didn’t know at the time… My ex broke up with his girlfriend to be with me. We dated for 4 months, and once he saw her again the new school year, he dumped me to be with her again. What’s a girl to do????!!! It seems like it’s hopeless. I’ve been improving myself and doing NC for about 3 weeks. I have no idea how to attract him once again now that he’s decided the grass isn’t greener with me…. Please help me!
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 19, 2016 at 10:04 am
Hi Jess,
You have to initiate contact agter nc but you have to be careful that he wont think you’re trying to get him back…If he wenr back to her because he realized he really loved her then your best chance is if they start to have problems again
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 10, 2016 at 10:24 pm
Hi Ellen,
check this one:
EBR 032: What To Do If You Work With Your Ex Boyfriend
Sue
October 4, 2016 at 2:29 pm
Me and my ex have been on and off for 6 years now… he has done this to me in the past but always find himself telling me he cant stop thinking of me when he is with another woman. I never once cheated on him. I only say a lot of crap I dont mean out of hate and anger. I do not think before I speak. We argue a lot over jealousy. He constantly was talking to his new gf behind my back while I was with him. She knew about me and wanted to fight me over my man yes while I was with him. She said she does not care if a man is taken she will snatch him if she wants him. Well he ended up leaving me for her because of the crazy things I said to him like “I will get with one of your friends since you wanna go talk to someone else behind my back” Well I still see him almost everyday and he is still with her. He says he confused he loves the both of us. She has not act crazy towards him yet in the relationship yet. But she is so happy she took him from me. He said he is not letting me go. He just cant decide but she has the gf title. Is he just having fun? Will he be back? I text him alot as well long paragraphs about us. Should i just do the no contact rule?
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 6, 2016 at 6:21 pm
Hi Sue,
Yes, I think you should do the no contact rule to help him realize that you’re not going wait forever.. It looks like he can’t let go of her because he feels more secure with her.
WhatElseCouldGoWrong!
October 2, 2016 at 7:24 am
Hi,
My ex and I are both on our 30’s and were friends for 9 years and for nearly the last 4 in a relationship (the first 2 were distance and the last nearly 2 we lived together). We had planned a life together – house, dog kids etc and had been trying to conceive since earlier this year. He ended things 6 weeks ago citing a lot of small reasons the compounded into 2 bigger reasons (feeling like he was walking on egg shells & feeling like he couldn’t be himself) and these resulted in him not being happy. He dealt with all of this internally and said by the time he realized something was wrong it was too late and ended it. The first 3 days were emotional but the remainder of the first 3 weeks were amicable as we had to sort out division of assets/ money etc. We also had short discussions about work, family etc. During this time he told me he still loved me but it was different and he missed me. I had a miscarriage a week or so after the break up but have not told him ad I did not realize I was pregnant at the time, Dr’s cited stress of the break up.
I’m 22 days into NC – day 4 he sent me 2 IM’s and a text which I did not respond to (besides the polite “thanks” there was no need), day 8 I was blocked on FB, day 11 he sent me another IM about a piece of junk mail that had arrived for me and that afternoon unblocked me on FB. Since them there have been no further attempts to contact me.
This is were things get interesting – we have a female friend who is the only person who is openly hostile towards me. I have been friends with her for the duration of the relationship and they have been friends for about 1 year longer. I found out yesterday that they are now together and she will be moving into his flat (as a couple) in a couple of weeks when she gets back from her course. My ex has been going to see her some weekends since we slit up and while with a group of friends 2 nights ago said that they have been friends for a while and he didn’t know why it took so long. The impression the people I knew in the group got was that they had already started talking about it before the break up and this is the actual reason for the break up. Nothing physical happened prior to the break up.
This female has a reputation of being a homewrecker as this is the 4th time she has done this (that I know of), but it seems that out of the 4 my ex seems the most sucked in by her. He was talking about getting a new career with better money so he could save for a house and have extra money for kids (the same things we talked about for the last 3 years). It’s like he has taken all the things we wanted and transferred them on to her.
During NC I have lost over 6kg (not that I was big to start with), have been putting extra pride into my appearance and have been getting out more. The last 2-3 weeks I was even starting to laugh again! Now I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me…again. I have not made any attempt to contact him as I need to (once again) get my head straight.
I need this NC time for me (between the break up, the miscarriage and this new development I have had a lot to work through) but I would also like to make things work between us. I know she is doing things to try and purge me from his life (talking him into buying a new bed etc) and with all this in mind would the above plan be of benefit to me? Also any other insight/guidance/advice you could give me would be greatly appreciated.
Sandra
October 10, 2016 at 11:33 pm
Hi Amor,
I have been improving myself. I’ve lost a bunch of weight, dressing better, been getting out and bout etc. I have been focusing on me but he works for the same organisation I do and though we don’t see each other at work we have a few people in common.
Yesterday was the end of my NC and I text him today the “you’re not going to believe what I saw yesterday” text. He responded straight away with “what”. I wanted an hour and text that I was out walking in the hills and saw an awesome container house (he really likes them) and it made me think of him. He txt back within a min with “ok”. So I politely make my excuses to leave the conversation (work lunch).
I want to think he txt “ok” because he didn’t know what to say (awkward maybe?) but to he honest I’m trying hard not to freakout! The original plan was to txt today and then not txt tomorrow and txt the day after. Is this still a good idea?
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 11, 2016 at 4:27 pm
HI Sandra,
try waiting 3-5 days before texting again, because it’s a neutral text.
WhatElseCouldGoWrong!
October 8, 2016 at 9:28 am
Hi Amor,
As she was my friend too I can tell you that she does not have the ability to provide him with all the things he wants in a partner, sure she makes a good drinking, playstation playing and talking sh!t buddy but lacks the maternal nature to be a partner/mother (other people have made this comment also). I suspect she is trying very hard to tick all the boxes that he is looking for but I don’t think a person can sustain that for a long period of time. I don’t know if he would miss me if he saw me again (I hope so) but he definitely wouldn’t think of the bad times or bad of me. As I said the first three days were emotional but the rest of the three weeks were amicable, since then I have been in NC.
Since I made my first comment I have had people we have in common tell things (and no I haven’t asked or been digging for information). While having a few drinks (the night he said he was with this girl) his attitude was belligerent the whole night towards everything. I have also been told his flat a pig sty (beer bottles and chip packets everywhere, not the house proud person they all knew). These people we have in common have expressed concern for him to me, as they believe this is really out of character for him (and they have known him for years). All I have said to them is that this was his choice and the life he has chosen for himself and that if they were that concerned they should raise their concerns with him. What do you think about this new information?
I bought the texting bible (along with the other eBooks) and my 30 day NC ends in 2 days and I’m still trying to figure out what to text him?!? It’s like some of the hardest homework I have ever had LOL.
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 10, 2016 at 3:38 pm
Ok.. first, you have to be less motherly.. because he has mom.. you have to be a girlfriend or a wife in the future.. and that means being an equal partner.. But I think what you mean is that you’re caring.. which is good.. just don’t over do it.. Second, what I mean by my questions is that, did you improve yourself? Did you have a makeover, did new things, met new people and made new friends? If he saw you and talked to you would he regret not having you in his life?
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 4, 2016 at 7:32 pm
Hi What else could go wrong,
if she started seducing your ex before you broke up then that means he saw as a grass is greener case, and the best you can do now is to be better than her. The honeymoon phase will end, and when it does, when he compares you to her, would he think you’re better than her?
You have an edge because you have a lot of memories together, and they are going too fast, but the question is, would he miss you if he sees you again or would he think of the bad times?
Dior R.
September 29, 2016 at 10:21 am
Hello Guys!!
Please I would like to ask for your opinion.
My ex and I dated for more that 5 years, it was the first time that we were both able to stick in a long term relationship. Like all couples, we also had a lot of projects for our future together, and one of them was to go abroad finish our education and start life as adult. During this time, on our 2 year of being abroad, he went back home, and came back 3 months later, with a girl, which was actually his new girlfriend. I was shocked and had heart break as It was something I did not expect.
It has been 4 years now that we broke up since those times, and during this whole time, we never communicated.He cut me out totally from everything.
During this years I was able to build my self back and move to another country to start my life and continue on my carreer pursuit, and I was able to forget about him.
My problem now is that I feel the need to talk to him to understand the reason why those things happen, and honestly I never felt like that before but I do miss him even though he never crossed my head for the last 3 years. This is a very new feeling and I feel lost, everyone around me dont understand me neither do I.
Please Guys, what should I do?
Thank you.
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 30, 2016 at 10:32 pm
Hi Dior,
Is it for closure?
Taylor
September 25, 2016 at 9:07 am
Hi There, love the site and the information shared, it is pretty insightful. Are there circumstances where you would advise against reconnecting with an ex?
This is my story – I just got out of a 5 year relationship. I have a son from a former relationship but there was not an issue with that. I was very guarded and wanted to make sure the man I dated after my son’s father (who pulled a “Tiger Woods” and cheated with multiple women, was abusive and I found out was also doing drugs- basically living a secret life aside from the one we had together..) My sons father is restricted to supervised visitation and he has never seen him since the age of 1 because he refuses to attend.
With that being said, I waited a year before introducing this new man of mine to my son, to make sure there was stability and that it would in fact be a serious relationship.
We dated and had a great connection, as any new and blooming relationship would. There were a few red flags that I had noticed in the beginning: He was almost 30 living with parents and did not drive for years due to 2 DUI’s.. He also had mentioned he had NEVER had a serious relationship and slept around a lot but wanted to change and have a family.. He worked full time, he went to college and he seemed committed to becoming this person he told me he was now. In the beginning, (before he met my son) I would pick him up before I went to work and take him to college because we lived about 25 miles away from each other but his school was close to my job so I made it happen so we could see each other and not just on the weekends. I helped him get his driver’s license back and he seemed to continuously get promoted at work, he was doing great! Before we became “official” he told me this fantasy about always wanting to try an open relationship. I was not interested but since he had ideas of how much of a turn on it would be to have me brag about sexual escapades with other men and belittle him ( it was a form of being Degraded that he said was a turn on like a Dom/sub role). He participated in the “open” part, I did not.. I at that point didn’t take this whole experience seriously and told him that wasn’t what I was looking for and he knew what my last relationship was like. He basically proclaimed how stupid of an idea it was to try the “open” relationship thing and immediately wanted to be exclusive. He said he was in love with me and was not willing to let me go. Needless to say, since our connection seemed wonderful aside from that- I agreed. However the writing was on the wall because after we were seriously committed, I saw messages appear across his phone from other women.. When questioned he would get emotional and explain that it was a misunderstanding and took the phone password off and attempted to regain my trust.. At least once a year during our 5 year relationship- this happened where I would find out he was texting/fb/Instagram etc.. Women. He said it was just a Fantasy and compared it to porn stating these people he’d chat with- he didn’t know in reality and said that’s why he didn’t feel it was cheating. He knew how it made me feel and would stop, then the cycle would start all over again. I thought it would die out and things again seemed like they were on the right path, he became a manager at his job and we ended up renting a home together. A few days after moving in, he came downstairs to say “good morning, I love you! I’ll be down soon”.. Seconds later, a girl Facebook messages me asking if this was my boyfriend and that he’s messaging her constantly.. She sent screenshots, she didn’t know him. She thought it was f’d up and we talked for a while. Right after he said “good morning, I love you..” The time stamp of the message that day was a minute after he said that sentence! I was very upset and started packing to leave, he started crying and begging and said at that moment that he believes he has a “sex addiction” and will get help immediately. He did, the next week he started counseling. I was understanding and extremely supportive. We agreed to communicate if he had urges to start chatting with girls and I really played a highly active role being there for him, while also being a full-time, hard working mommy. His behavior changed, we became gym rats, we traveled, he stopped drinking (he used to drink a lot while sexting girls late at night while I was asleep most of the time)he was a better person, our quality of life improved so much, we talked marriage and kids all the time. (I found out he was planning on proposing to me on my birthday this year) it was great! I was on cloud 9, thinking everything is wonderful- I flew to his hometown and met his entire family, I was so happy and excited for our future and that we got through these challenges successfully together!
But of course, as fate would have it.. it stated again. His counselor had demanded he delete all social media during the recovery process as he was misusing felt that was a big step in recovery for him. He got rid of everything but Instagram citing it was so harmless and he barely used it.. I started seeing a trend of him “liking” a specific girl’s pictures.. One night after he came home from work, he said he was going to step out and call his brother who lives in another state. I didn’t know he left the house, he came back almost 2 hrs later.. I was concerned, asking if everything was okay.. He broke down sobbing, and proceeded to say he was not in love with me anymore and didn’t know why, he said he was confused. I asked if he was still in counseling- he said no, which I was completely unaware of. He the said during this 5 HR convo that he kissed a coworker and needed time to think for the weekend because he couldn’t “believe” what he had done.. This was on a Wednesday night, I was crushed but still determined thinking we can work through this. My son and him were so close, he even called him “dad” he was going to adopt my son.. I was so devastated.
He went to his parents and we met up Saturday at Starbucks talking for 5 hours again in person, we agreed we would go to his therapy sessions together and he said he’d be home on Sunday. He never came home he needed more time. Another week passed with me in a total state of confusion. I said I needed to know at least if we were going to try to resolve and move forward or not and he had no answer after another week passing. I told him I cannot wait for a 50/50 chance and place my life on hold while hurting. He got his things and left, leaving me with all of the bills. I saw on social media that he and this coworker he kissed- ended up getting together.. She is 21, he is 35 and I am 29. I was devistated all over again. He just threw me and my son away after all we had accomplished together and the amazing life we shared outside of his “addiction”. We don’t talk anymore, which I think is a good thing.. I feel used and broken hearted and like I never expected this to happen. Our families were shocked and so were our friends. He had attempted to mildly pursue me again and even though I am in love with him, I am hoping it will fade out. I feel vulnerable but my logic has kicked in and telling me not to go back into this if he pursues me again. I always am optimistic people can change if they want to, but granting yet another chance seems absolutely crazy to all of my family and friends which I understand but just wanting some additional advice. Thank you for reading, I appreciate your feedback
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 25, 2016 at 3:08 pm
Hi Taylor,
Yes, sometimes we do advise against getting back together and actually, that’s what I would advise you.. You should listen to this podcast, it’s the same reason why I won’t advise you getting back with him.
EBR 056: My Ex Boyfriend Cheated On Me Multiple Times… What Do I Do?
Patricia
September 13, 2016 at 2:38 pm
I was very sad and shocked to find out that my ex had been teaching surfing to his sister’s friend (who he ended up leaving me for), and spending time with at concerts with his sister (I didn’t suspect anything). She’s newly single also. They started dating immediately so he must have had the plan to start dating her once he broke up with me. He says he’s in love with her now. I did interact with them, and it was pretty negative and emotional. I think that he had a hard weekend with her because of it. I know it will take a VERY long time, (until he is not infatuated with her anymore), but is there a chance he will come back to me? We were together for 2 years and a friend for a year before that. He did love me very much, until at least weeks/a few months before.
I don’t know if he started falling for her when she was breaking up with her ex (like May/June) or if it just happened suddenly in late July. He went to the beach with all of them including her on July 24, and that night he told me he was feeling “weird” about us. We were also having problems fighting a lot.
Is there a chance for me? I will do NC but it’s so hard for me to move on and not be so sad and heartbroken. I am definitely working on improving myself and in great shape again.
It’s been about 5 weeks since we officially broke up and they’ve been together a lot in this time, she’s sleeping over his house, he’s cooking for her, etc. It’s weird to see that infatuated look in his eyes with her when I saw them together.
Other thing is, he blocked me on communications except my work email, so I sent him an email about getting some things back, and he said he will discuss giving them back when he’s ready. He is also FURIOUS at me that I interacted with them but I told him I HAD to know the truth that he had left me for someone else.
He’s really angry at me for bothering him at all, and unfriended me Sunday on Facebook. During breakup I pulled all the wrong moves like begging, crying, showed up at his house upset. I did about 24 days of NC then found out he was with her and felt so betrayed because he told me never to worry about her.
So I will do another 30 day NC? Should I contact him with something light after that? I assume I will see him within the month for my belongings so that will be an issue.
Patricia
September 13, 2016 at 8:58 pm
He emailed:
“I could bring the things at some point this week. there is nothing else to be discussed .
i do not need anything that was left in your apt so toss it.
i could leave it at your door”
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 14, 2016 at 1:14 pm
Hi Patricia,
You should do 45 days.. it’s ok to talk to him during nc about your things, but only make it about your things..
After nc, he has to think that you’ve moved on and just being friendly because if he thinks you’re trying to get him back, he will more likely protect his relationship and avoid you
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 14, 2016 at 1:14 pm
Hi Patricia,
You should do 45 days.. it’s ok to talk to him during nc about your things, but only make it about your things..
After nc, he has to think that you’ve moved on and just being friendly because if he thinks you’re trying to get him back, he will more likely protect his relationship and avoid you
jessica
September 7, 2016 at 9:55 pm
my ex boyfriend of 6 years and whom i have 3 children with one who he stepped in to become dad to and we own a house together cheated on me for a ‘week’ and then broke up with me for a co worker at the same place we both use to work at i moved on to a better position but he stayed.at the beginning of the break up he said the reasoning was that i was to controlling and to independent and told me he needed time to think so i went to my sister house for about 4 days while he stayed in our house but i had to come back and that when he completely moved out to his sisters house all the while he told to me to wait for him and that he doesn’t know how he feels anymore so i kind of went a little “crazy gf” and caught him t his work with this new girl and that how i found out its the same girl he told me i dont have to worry about and he use to make fun of the way she looks and he said its not all about looks cause i had brought that up to him and then he was talking to my friend and she was asking why he did this and he told her has she seen my body ill be able to find someone really fast he said we have nothing in common and that im anti social and never let him do anything (even tho he went to a baseball game with his friend a month ago and we took the kids to the beach) so after working with her for two months and having a connection with her for a week or so he moved in with her mother and he 6 month old baby by the way she left her boyfriend that had two children and then there child and had a house as well the same time he left me they both said they didn’t have any feelings for either one of us anymore and im not certain but i think she pursued him everyone at the work place was always trying to separate us the girls would be all over him and i would get jealous and he would just brush it off now everyone in his family has completely shut me out and hes and because im taking him to court for custody and child support he has been out partying and really going wild i was with him since i was 17 years old and he has cheated on me before but our relationship was so good we fought but it was the normal kind of fighting in a relationship we were so good together do you think he will stay with her or come back to me should i just give up i have tried doing the no contact but he just keeps contacting me and if i ignore him he gets angry saying hes going to show up at the front door and telling me to stop ignoring him should i let him have my children stay over night with him and her just so she realizes what shes getting herself into should i play it cool and get along with him and her does it sound like she will go back to her ex boyfriend that paid all the bills at her house and she didn’t pay for anything please help i need some opinions he never once told me anything was wrong so this came to a complete surprise i was suppose to go back to school so i quit my job and he said he was fine with it so i was left with a house that is in the middle of a remodel and i didnt have a job ( i do now) and i had to put my schooling on hold there is other details that im not including so if there are any questions that would help with opinions i will answer them
jessica
September 9, 2016 at 8:49 pm
i have started the complete no contact with him changed my number blocked him from facebook and everything till our court date which is in 45 days he doesn’t want much to do with the kids nowadays anyway i hope that makes him realize and start to miss me and what we had. with your experience does it sound like this relationship he has is a rebound that thy ran with lust and adrenaline or is it the real thing and does it sound like there is a chance of him coming back
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 10, 2016 at 3:52 pm
I think it’s a grass is greener case.. and yes, I do think there is still a chance.. you had 6 years and kids together.. even if he’s not that involved with thr kids now, he will still see them over the years of course.. your kids and your memories are your advantage
jessica
September 7, 2016 at 10:30 pm
oh and our youngest is 8 months old then we have a 4 year old and 7 year old he also just had me get my tubes tied a month ago because he didnt want no more kids
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 9, 2016 at 9:34 am
Hi Jessica,
It’s ok to keep talking about the kids but you need to be strong with him. How long will you let him control you whenever he gets angry? You have to have your own space to heal and improve.
jessica
September 7, 2016 at 10:03 pm
he also just told me that he doesn’t get into short term relationships because i wanted him to wait six months before his gf met our children and he said that is stupid which is true his other two relationship lasted about 2 years we had sex twice because i was being dumb and thought that it would make him stay and then a day before he made it facebook official he tried again begging me and said we have always had a good sex life so lets make this last time the best because im about to get into a relationship and i denied him and he was really mad
Lulu
September 5, 2016 at 12:03 pm
Hi there,
Love your site – will be a new favourite for me haha
So I met a guy overseas..we hit it off and decided to keep in touch. Surprisingly, we did and spoke pretty much daily. We were speaking with an end point being another meet up. I had friends in that country, so thought it would be good to also see him.
Everything was going well and we eventually met up again. We spent most days together and it was really comfortable and easy. He introduced me to some of his friends, and naturally, it became more romantic again. This definitely wasn’t one sided but I noticed he initiated the kissing and everything, most of the time..which made it seem like things were going well, and the attraction was mutual.
I was leaving the big questions (what do you want from this? Is this just a holiday romance?) until later on in the trip..because we were planning trips together for each day. It was surprising but then again, we got on so well, so I just went with it. But it was clear that he seemed to be considering something more..with key things such as wanting to be around me..introducing me and wanting me to be a part of his life over there – not just doing this all out of boredom.
Then the bombshell came. Whilst we’d been talking, he’d started seeing another girl…and was confused about which one of us to choose. He chose her. We never spoke in person about this but he dragged all of this on, to the point of still being romantic the day before he told me all of this. He said he liked us both but it’s just because she was ‘1st’.
I guess I just feel incredibly cheated because he could have told me about this before and we could have seen each other again as really good friends..but he let it snowball. I guess he was being genuine but now it’s awkward. We’ve decided to stay in contact but give each other space.
I texted him once just to say no bad blood. He replied..I replied and I was ignored
Really sucks when I want to speak to him..but don’t really think anything will come of it…so not really sure what happens with NC rule now?
Sorry it’s so long winded!
Lulu
September 6, 2016 at 1:20 pm
Hi Amor,
He met me first but then I moved back to my home country. He started seeing her whilst we were speaking but never told me.
I don’t know anything more about her but I’m guessing she’s nearby
Thanks for your reply!
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 7, 2016 at 7:57 am
You’re welcome! Just focus in nc now. Let him be and let him wonder. Be active in social media too.
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 6, 2016 at 1:09 pm
Hi lulu,
did he mean he mey her first? Do they live near each other?
If you’re going to try nc, do it so that you can heal too.. just focus in it and then decide after if you still want to talk to her
Mary
September 2, 2016 at 3:57 am
Hi Chris/EBR Team,
My ex and I broke up less than three weeks ago. He left me for a mutual friend and told me he doesn’t love me anymore even though I feel like he still does, or at the least, is just very confused. We were together for almost two years, but really good friends for a while before we started dating. Things recently had caused minor conflicts with us, but overall I felt things were going well until he started acting weird two weeks before the break up. But, since he broke up with me, he hasn’t gotten together with this other girl (whom he hasn’t done anything sexually with). We have still been talking (briefly) and we both still want to be friends (well I want more). What do you think the chances of us getting back together are (from this very short description of our relationship)?
Also, we are in the same group of friends. If I was to follow the “no contact” rule, what happens if we are both at the same events? Or friends’ parties? Should I ignore him or just not attend?
Thanks in advance xx
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 2, 2016 at 3:53 pm
HI Mary,
Do you want to try what’s advised above? If you can avoid some of the events, do it. If you can’t, be civil but be distant. I think you should read this too: The Grass is Greener Syndrome For Ex Boyfriends
Kourtney
August 27, 2016 at 6:55 pm
Hi my name is kourtney and I’m 17 years old
So here’s the story my ex broke up with me for another girl he started liking in a week while he was in China the thing is we were together for 10 months and you can say we had some puppy love considering we were each other’s first love there was no sex just a regular relationship we were really close and couldn’t stand being away from each other he told me he loved me and I told him I loved him we got into petty arguments but nothing serious but we actually cried together and made up a time so I thought his feelings were real he was the first guy to cry over me and it touched me we always talked and cared about each other no matter what I couldn’t stay mad at him when he left for his trip I missed him like crazy than he texted me out of the blue and said he wasn’t ready for this type of relationship and broke up with me few days later he’s going with another girl like I’m hurt and crushed I felt like he just threw me away like trash like nothing we had was real and that his feelings weren’t real at all his new girlfriend doesn’t want us talking,being friends he’s blocked me on social media,he won’t talk to me look at me or anything he’s like super all over this girl after a week.I honestly don’t know about this situation I still love him still care about him and still want him to be happy but hurts and I don’t know what to do?any help?
EBR Team Member: Amor
August 30, 2016 at 2:27 pm
Hi Kourtney,
are you trying out what Chris advised here?
sangeetha
August 23, 2016 at 4:42 pm
To give a brief description, I was dating a guy for two months and after two months he told me that his ex is back in his life. He started distancing himself from me and after two weeks of this, I told him that we should stop talking.
There were no fights and we both had a conversation about it.
It’s 15 days since I stopped talking to him and today when I was deleting the call log in my whatsapp, I accidentally called him.
I did cut the call immediately but I am not sure what should I do now.
Do you think I have screwed up my chances of getting him back?
EBR Team Member: Amor
August 27, 2016 at 2:20 pm
hi Sangeetha,
with just thay call? nope.. but are you actively improving yourself?