If You Had a Long Distance Breakup Here Is How You Get Back Together

179 thoughts on “If You Had a Long Distance Breakup Here Is How You Get Back Together”

Breda

October 8, 2019 at 7:48 pm

Dear Chris,
I hope this email finds you well. As you probably know, I am emailing because of an LDR break up that I went through, and am still going through. I am finding the break up particularly difficult for a number of reasons – 1). Being that this man was the only one I ever had real interest in and who I felt was right to start a relationship with; 2). Considering the fact that I don’t let people in easily or give myself away to anybody, only him, I was 100% sure that we would spend our lives together (we talked about marriage and moving for each other) and that it would only ever be with him, and as a result of the break up I feel robbed of many things – not by him, but by the universe really 3). I don’t know why the relationship ended. I saw it coming although I hoped I was wrong and that we could work things out and get back to a place where we were out usual selves – we were best friends, talked about marriage, could act like kids together, and everybody we knew commented specifically how suited we were for each other, and we knew it too. Everybody could see it.
There are many other reasons also. This relationship was also a long distant relationship. I am Irish living in Ireland, he is American living in New Hampshire.
I didn’t want this relationship to end. It ended about three months ago while I was in America. I cut my trip short and came home for obvious reasons. Given the distance, the relationship was always a risk to begin with, but our love for each other was so strong. I can’t be sure but I think that depression as a result of the distance/ cold feet in terms of moving country / past issues regarding parents’ divorce not being dealt with ended up getting the better of him and he felt that the best thing to do was end it. I too had my doubts, I was scared about moving country, but I was willing to hold on to out relationship, because I loved him so much. I still do – and these three months with zero contact has made me realise just how much I love him and miss him. I am missing him in the past couple of weeks more that I ever was and I think that it’s because the reality of the break up hase finally struck me.
I want to know if there is a way to make it work. I am afraid to get on contact with him because I don’t want to get my hopes up just to have my healing and hurting heart broken all over again. I am waiting to see if he contacts me first, but it has been three months with zero contact – I should point out that he wanted to remain friends, but I wanted no contact because I would have been hoping that he would talk to me, unsure if he would, and I didn’t want to put myself though that hurt of waiting for something that may or may not happen.
I truly feel that we are meant to be. I think that weeks of no contact has helped me to grow and mature and realise how much I love him. I have no idea how he feels since we are not in contact – another reason why I am reluctant to contact him is because I don’t want to hear that he is over me and doesn’t want to be with me – and I’m not sure if this is just my hopes talking, but given the true genuine connection we had I feel that he will always carry me with him, as I will him.
I’m not sure how you can help me in this situation. I am just unsure as to what I should do in this situation.
Kind regards,
Breda

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

October 9, 2019 at 10:58 pm

Hi Breda, So until you know what you want to do there isn’t much advice I can give you. If you want him back look up the Long distance relationship advice and if not then you should look at moving on strategies

Lola

September 12, 2019 at 4:41 am

Hello Chris,
I really need help. My ex and I were a long distance relationship for a year and two months, he lives an hour and a half away but we both do not have form of transportation to each other, he is also always busy with work or church. He goes to church 5 days out of the week, and 2 months ago this girl started going to his church and has been reaching out to him, really trying to pursue him. I politely asked her to respect our relationship and she didn’t, multiple occasions I found him texting her secretly or just responding to her messages after i asked him not to because obviously she wanted to be in a relationship with him(she was very flirty and sexual.) Now he told me about 2 weeks and a half ago that he doesn’t want to keep hurting me anymore and that he doesn’t think we should continue the relationship( “It’s not you it’s me” ) I wasn’t texting him as much in those two weeks, but just this Monday I called him and asked him what was the verdict because I had been on a sort of standby which I know I didn’t deserve, he told me he has hopeful for the future but doesn’t want to lead me on, obviously he wants to be with her. I asked him if we can talk about this in person and he says he doesn’t want to see me and feels ashamed of what he is doing with that girl and that if does see me he will not be able to tell me anything. He also told me they already kissed in those two weeks that we had not been talking… I honestly love him, I don’t know what to do. I get my license this month and he gets his car as well, so i still have that hope for us. How do I know he will come back when he clearly is and wants to be with someone else? She is very persistent in a way I knew this was gonna happen but I’m heartbroken and confused, please help.

Shaunna

September 12, 2019 at 8:07 pm

Lola, it sounds like he has grass is greener syndrome. Take some time reading about this and working on yourself to be the Ungettable girl. Show him through using social media how great you are and what hes missing out on. Complete your NC of at least 30 days before reaching out to him again.

ranmi

August 18, 2019 at 12:12 pm

Just 2 weeks after he took me to his sister’s place he broke up with me over our normal arguments. l still love him, he picks up my calls and return missed calls, he will reply my messages online yet he wants a break up and want to friend zone me which l won’t accept to be. m practising Nc just for a week now but believe me it’s like a year. Distance between us is very far however l couldn’t stop loving him.
lola

July 10, 2019 at 2:04 am

I am worried that if I do no contact he will truly disappear and forget about me.
james

July 8, 2019 at 5:54 pm

My boyfriend and I were in a serious relationship for 4 months, but then we both left the school we were both studying at. We tried long distance for a month (he rarely called me during this time – maybe twice a week) and then I visited him for a week. At the end of the visit he broke up with me because he did not want to be limited senior year and said he’s bad at facetiming and I’ll just end up mad at him again. He said that he may want to get back together in a couple of weeks though… what do I do?
Nina

June 18, 2019 at 8:12 am

Hey Chris!

He broke up with me 2 months ago saying he wasn’t feeling it anymore, that he still cares for me and loves me, but isn’t in love with me. We were doing long distance for a year and two months. After the breakup we continued talking but didnt have any full conversations, after a month on my birthday he all of a sudden said he still cares for me and doesn’t want me to do anything stupid, he was basically jealous and scared I was moving on. After that he initiated more conversations. He also started mentioning sex which I declined. Then we had a really nice talk but I said i had to go and ended the conversation at the high point. The next day we talked the whole day. He was telling me what he was doing and how was college going without me asking for it. And i think i slipped there. He said smth about sex which i said “i wish” on which he reacted in the way that showed me he wasn’t sure if i wanted it and now i said i did. But it was all flirty and childlish/ easy going and all. The day after he was “bussy”, wasn’t replying and said he was with friends. Day after that i was devastated. Crying the whole day and all and I did a mistake, I showed him those negative emotions. Day after we talked normally, but i mentioned our relationship on which he didnt respond positively. That same day he left me on read after he commented smth about what i posted on instagram. That was the first time he left me on read. Day after i texted him at 1 in the morning on why he didnt reply, he was rude/distant towards me on which i said “okay if i deserve that kind of an end to communication” he said “its not the end its just less talking” on which i didnt reply, few minutes later he said “hmm okay” and again i didn’t reply. And now I’m doing NC since 2 days ago.
I did a huge step back I know, we were moving forward and I did all right things before this past few days. Is there still hope? Can I turn this situation around again?

Chris Seiter

June 18, 2019 at 3:14 pm

Hi Nina….so I think No Contact, if practiced the way I teach in my Program, is a step in the right direction.

Claire P

May 7, 2019 at 11:14 am

very interesting guide to getting back together with your long distance ex. & looks like it will really work.
monika

May 7, 2019 at 9:26 am

hello
i commented but i cant see it
Monika

May 7, 2019 at 9:22 am

My ex broke up with me because of distance. It was a serious relationship and I still love him. We even want to marry each other in the future. He’s in Croatia and im in London.
What do I do?

Chris Seiter

May 7, 2019 at 8:00 pm

Hi Monika…probably best now to make sure you have a sensible ex recovery plan in place so you can optimize your chances as well as begin the process of healing.

Mel

March 27, 2019 at 10:25 pm

Hi, I have been searching the internet for any similar case as mine but alas. I got divorced in 2001 and about a year later started a relationship with a co worker. We dated for about a year and things got complicated because I had young kids and he was feeling lonely and that it was over so he went away with a friend for the week end and felt another woman’s boobs! It was over after that, I dated someone else and he met someone else, she fell pregnant and they got married. We eventually ended up friends and he even brought his daughter as a baby to my house. In the meantime I met someone in North America through my sister, we got married and I moved across the world! We remained friends and he told me how unhappy he was with his wife, I supported him and we were genuine friends. 2 years ago I went home as I do every two years and we met up and hang out and he said he had loved me all these years and blah blah he hinted that I was always the one. Fast forward two years I went back home and I asked if I could spend my first night at his place as I had booked my accommodation really by accident a day short. We crossed the line, We are both divorced. Anyway we had a three week affair and it continued after I came home. About a month in he starts talking to a woman at work and they just “gel” he was always talking to her instead of me and of course I’m not an idiot I put it together and I broke it off, went nc after I had wished him well and nothing but the best. 11 days later I asked him to call and he said yes there was nothing going on 11 days prior but now there had and u said good for u shouldn’t be alone, don’t wait for me… he is obviously crazy about her and I find myself wanting it to work and not wanting it to work at the same time. He said we will always be friends and I said yes. He had been leading me on and texting just to keep the line open after he had met her. I’m not upset about the other woman but about how he led me on. Then the day after we spoke he puts on fb that he’s in a relationship, I immediately blocked him on whatsapp and fb. I was crushed he made me do all the hard work by ending it, wishing him well, which was so hard and then it’s on fb the next day. I thought didnit mean nothing to Him Knowing I’m a friend in his fb and I’ll see it. It’s been a week and I’m still nc. I will not contact him first. Also he owes me money and the clothes he wears I bought him because it’s cheaper here and it was for a friend. I felt all the feelings of 18 years ago come back and he was lying to me about how he felt. I’m crushed. He met her at most 3 months ago and started the relationship at most 6 weeks ago. And she’s beautiful, she’s 50 he’s 59 and I’m 49, I don’t have time for this crap. I have two books he lent me when I was there and a photo I’ll be there again in December should I drop it off at his office or should I contact him or would it be too obvious I’m still in love with him. I’m mostly sad I’ve lost a friend but if I’m honest I do love him. He chose her and they just met.
Frances J

March 6, 2019 at 5:52 pm

I dated the kindest (and shy) man, long distance, the last 20 months. We were friends before but then fell in love. I made most of the effort and was able to afford the trips, he could not, and the distance took a toll on both of us. It brought out the worst in me and the conversations got more and more intense as time went on. He purchased a home without dialing me in, which upset me. I wanted to be a part of the process and also deciding what city we’d settle in. We had some arguments and three days after these arguments on facetime he broke up with me. I feel so much regret not being more calm in discussing our future. I just wanted him to help make a plan for moving me out to him. It all went haywire. I know he is the love of my life and I want to move and be with him. My heartache is so intense I am not myself. We haven’t talked in 2 1/2 weeks. I am seeing him soon when I fly out for work. I am panicked we wont be able to work through it. Help!
Patry

February 15, 2019 at 11:41 am

Hi!

My ex broke up with me just a few days before we agreed to meet in person and left me heartbroken (not that he did not sound sad/upset with the situation). He told me the reason it came down to was the distance, he brought it up before during the relationship that the distance is really tough for him and that he needs to have someone physically there with him. I personally understand and accept his reason (not sure if there was something else that he did not want to tell me) and we had a “as painless as possible” breakup.

With this said, i still feel like he is worth getting back because of how he used to treat me while in the relationship (initiating, chasing me for quite a long time, being honest, always letting me know what was going on, where he was and kept his promises, etc.)

He texted me on Wednesday (we broke up on Tuesday) just to check in on me, I want to use the No Contact Rule, which I have done since we have officially broken up (i usually try and stay away for a period of time for my sake even in previous relationships), but I always feel this overwhelming desire to text him back.

I gave him a short message saying “hey,, just got back from the Hague, been a tough time, but it’s going okay” and he replied (quite quickly might I add) asking how it was and that he knows it’s been tough and if I want to talk or scream at him i can, he’s there if I need him.

Should I answer him or just leave the message for a while and get back to it after a couple of days ?

When we broke up he said he still wants to talk to me, find out how my life is, hear me complain and other things we used to do together.

Chris Seiter

February 16, 2019 at 12:48 am

Hi Patry!

I hope you are tapping into my Program as there is just so much to say, and so little time. I do think you would benefit by employing No Contact and not respond to his last text. You have already touched base.

Ava

February 5, 2019 at 4:00 pm

hi. I really like your articles.
me and my boyfriend we together about 2 years and after he went back to his country and found out his dad got a cancer so he need to be there for 2 years this is a long distance relationship between us. we talk everyday. I very clingy and needy during our relationship because we far away and I really missing him. after his dad pass away he need to come back to my county but 1 week before he told me if we can be friend to start with he is not ready in relationship. I beg him for one more chance. he said I do nothing wrong. just because he can’t handle relationship now. I understand he probably really sad and grieving for his dad. but I feel that is an excuse I think he just not love me anymore he seem happy with everyone with everything. I feel he want to break up with me and still want to hold me as a friend. what should I do?

Chris Seiter

February 6, 2019 at 1:31 am

Its unfair to you to for him to just put you in the friend category, unless you are willing to do that for a spell, but more often than not it does not end up well. Sometimes a clean break helps in the long run which is one of the ideas behind No Contact.

CK

January 29, 2019 at 4:50 pm

Hello, I and my ex have known each other for 3 months. He also broke up with me last week. It was long distance relationship.
I was with him during Christmas and New Years eve, it was very good and we said like we fell in love to each other and we will be together for real one day. But during the period that I was with him, there was a guy whom I was meeting on Tinder always texts me. So my ex didnt like it and I decided to text that guy that I have someone in my mind and I cant feel it with him too. then, I promised to my ex that I would never text the guy anymore. He also moved on with another girl too.
When I came back to my country, we didnt have good conversations as before but we still loved each other. then, that guy texted me to ask how I am but those days I got depression. I just felt like I needed support and encouragement. that guy called me while I was sexting to my ex (OMG this is a shame.) for an hour. when I went back to my ex, he was so angry and asked be what I did so I decided to say just I was talking to a friend. then, he asked me to send the screenshots of the call. I decided not to lie and send the real screenshots. He was so mad and kept saying that he’s done with me.
I tried to recover right away but it was like he didnt care about my words anymore. So I gave him the space but it was only 5days and I asked him that how he feels. He still answer the same that I crossed the line and betrayed him so we are over. When I tried to talk about sth else, he suddenly got annoyed and said that we are over, he is done with me and tell me to move on. He was saying like I should have decline the call from that guy and call back later too, not just leave him like that.
So I saw that he was mad. I just told him that I can give him the space for longer time. He said he won’t think about it, he doesnt need more time and his answer can’t be clearer. Now, I decided that I will fly to apologize him in a person and leave him to think about it with NC rule!
Do you I make it right and ok? or I should do sth else? or just admit that it’s really over?
Thank you very much
gabby

January 26, 2019 at 8:52 pm

Hey Chris, thank you so much for your reply. I was trying to back off like how you advised on Oct. Its now Jan 2019 and i still havent hear from my ex bf. I guess he will never return again right? The last time we met was last jan 2018 and the last time we ever spoke was the last day of april. I wonder if he ever loved me or actually not so much like he claimed he did? What can i do to actually make him talk to me again?Or is he gone forever?
Sammie

January 1, 2019 at 11:02 am

Hi Chris,

My boyfriend of just under 2 years broke up with me a few days ago. He’s been in China for the past few months and we were talking everyday and it came out of nowhere when he broke up with me. He said that he loved me but not enough to carry on with the LDR yet he’ll be sad to see me move on with someone else. He said he still wants to check in with me somewhat regularly to see how I’m doing and that he thinks I’m a wonderful person with amazing qualities. He’s quite changeable in himself as far as his decision making goes. He said he’s sure of his decision but doesn’t know how he’ll feel if we meet in person.

I’m starting the NC rule today but his mother got in touch with me last night and said that I should just give him time and let him do what he needs to do but that she’s still there and would like for us to stay in touch and for me to pop in some time to see her.

My ex and I were absolutely fine with LDR when we were in the same country and I’m positive it’s just the fact he’s in China that’s done it because he still checks my social media everyday and I’ve noticed he’s a lot more active on the sites than he was before we broke up.

What do you think I should do apart from the NC rule? What should I do about his family? Do you think there’s any chance for us to reconcile and get back together?

Chris Seiter

January 1, 2019 at 5:32 pm

Hi Sammie!

I think you got good advice from the mother. Giving him some room to realize over time your value is often the best medicine. Check out my 245 page eBook, “The No contact Rule Book” as you may find it helpful!

Nicole

December 11, 2018 at 1:46 pm

Hi! I started a long distance relationship with someone from my hometown that had mutual friends in our town. When we began talking he was already in a different state in the military. The connection was immediate. We began texting, snapchatting, and FaceTiming. After two months, almost three I went to visit. I stayed for three weeks, no planned but it was amazing. We are both young but spoke of how this feels different. I went back a few weeks later and stayed for a week. We began to talk about a future and how in love we were etc.

We stayed long distance over the next few months. Had plans to go there for Thanksgiving and again in December to take a road trip back home with him for the holidays. He began to show signs that the distance was hard, new opportunities in the military were happening and our plans were starting to look like they were changing. I showed nothing but support and love for whatever he needed to do and I believed we could get through the distance, deployments etc. after a couple weeks of going through a weird patch I thought we worked through fears, etc… then he broke up with me two weeks before my visit. I was devastated and confused. He said it was nothing I’ve done at all. He was stressed, needing time alone, couldn’t do a relationship and had to focus on himself and figure out what he was doing with his decisions and life. We didn’t speak for almost three weeks after some texting back and forth, mostly me trying to understand.

Several weeks later I reached out and said Happy Thanksgiving, he responded saying he was about to text me. We had a brief text. He then asked a few days later to talk. We FaceTimed and he explained the break up and feelings since the original break up was via text. I felt better even though I didn’t get the outcome of getting back together. It gave a bit of closure. Asked if there was someone else and he reassured it was nothing like that. We began to just snapchat. I never responded right away. I showed on social media having fun with friends, preparing for my new EMT classes etc. the Snapchats were good for a while.

I then noticed he bagan making a lot of comments not flirty ones but comments on his best girlfriends posts. It felt like what he used to do when we first started talking. I finally asked if he was interested in her and he replied he didn’t know. He tried to convince me he didn’t think anything when we were together. He’s been friends with her since they were young. He said they always talk and kind a do this when they are single and it is nothing and will turn into nothing. I was again crushed. He said he wanted to see me when he came to town for the holidays I said I wanted it alone after the break up and not seeing him for almost three months I didn’t want to see him in a group. He agreed. Since we spoke a week ago our Snapchats have dwindled, he doesn’t like anything I post, and I’m wondering if seeing him will even happen.

I need advice. I want to see him because he has maintained with everyone he still loves me. He said the distance made it hard. The military made it hard. But he’s very hot and cold.

Any advice would be great.
Gina

December 1, 2018 at 2:17 am

My ex and I have developed great rapport over the last few months thanks to your books- I told him about my last relationship after him (where I got cheated on) to build jealousy and empathy. I let him initiate texts and this week he told me that when I’m next in the country I have a place to stay with him. It’s now been more than a year since we broke up, and I may be moving back to Europe (not the same country as him, but closer than North America). This past summer he’s drunk texted me so I know he still thinks about me romantically. Do I bring up the idea of us getting back together the next time we Skype? Or do I wait until I may be back in the next few months and do it face to face?

Chris Seiter

December 2, 2018 at 2:49 am

Hi Gina! Think slow steps.

Carine

November 12, 2018 at 7:15 pm

Hello Chris my ex just started ignoring my calls and texts after we had a little augur mentioned. Then I texted him two days later that I needed money to follow up some important docs but he didn’t reply. I called him four days after he didn’t pick up . We are in a long distance relationship, I just relocated. Then when I went visiting I found out he was with another woman with whom I have been suspecting but he kept on refusing. And she came in from another town too. They are also in a long distance relationship. I just walked away and till now (two weeks) he hasn’t contacted me. I even send him a text last week to ask him why he treated me this way. But still no reply till now and he owes me money. Please what should I do? I have started moving on though hard, please help me

Chris Seiter

November 12, 2018 at 11:34 pm

Hi Carine!

Best to keep the primary focus on your healing and recovery and finding those positive moments that are fulfilling. Depending on your timeline with the important documents, best to put it in a circling pattern for now as you have made good faith efforts to reach out about it.
Chris Seiter

November 12, 2018 at 11:34 pm

Hi Carine!

Best to keep the primary focus on your healing and recovery and finding those positive moments that are fulfilling. Depending on your timeline with the important documents, best to put it in a circling pattern for now as you have made good faith efforts to reach out about it.

Louise

November 6, 2018 at 9:20 pm

hi, im trying to get back a guy i spoke to for two, nearly three months, it was long distance, he decided that once we’ve met we would decide what we wanted to do for us, and I went to meet him lst week on monday and it was going well, a few days later after him calling me alot giving me good signs he called me up one night, thursday night explaining he wanted a relationship but took advice from his friends and realised the distance wouldn’t be good for us, he spoke about what could go wrong and i didnt want to make him mad so i agreed, now i think back theres ways around it. he said to sty friends and for two days after it we breifly texted but today i started the no contact rule and im not sure if theres a way i can get him back, i feel like he spoke for his friends not himself.this was about 4 days ago and i met him in person exactly a week and a day ago.

Chris Seiter

November 6, 2018 at 10:24 pm

You might want to picked up my 247 page Guide, “The No Contact Rule Book” as it can help you in implementing your strategy!

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179 thoughts on “If You Had a Long Distance Breakup Here Is How You Get Back Together”