By Chris Seiter

Updated on June 9th, 2021

Today I am going to teach you exactly how to use psychology to get your ex back.

Over the years I’ve been blessed with hundreds of clients who have gotten their exes back and I have seen first hand how powerful psychological tricks can be at re-attracting someone.

Now, I do want to say that there is a lot more to this process than simply “using these tricks.”

A great place for you to start if you are interested in learning the foundation of every successful “ex recovery strategy” is my ultimate guide on getting your ex back.

The tips I’m going to be talking about today are what I consider to be some of my most advanced so if you don’t have an idea of what the foundation for getting your ex back looks like I suggest you study that before you continue to read this article.

Sound good?

Three Psychological Tricks To Help Get Your Ex Back

There are literally hundreds of “psychological tactics” you can use on your ex after a breakup. However, not all of them are effective. I thought it would be really fun to put together a list of the psychology techniques that I’ve seen work first hand.

I consider these to be the best of the best.

  1. The Interdependence Theory
  2. Misattribution of Emotions
  3. The Scarcity Principle

Now, what do you think I mean by that?

The best of the best?

Well, it means that I can literally attribute some of my success stories to these three strategies.

Like always, let’s dissect.

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Psychology Technique #1: The Interdependence Theory

This is perhaps the technique that is the least known of the ones I mention on this article.

In fact, over the years I’ve even made a few amendments to the interdependence theory (more on that in a second.)

So, what is the interdependence theory?

It states that human beings make commitment decisions based on cost and benefit scenarios. In other words, we are always looking to maximize the benefits and minimize the costs.

Seems pretty straightforward, right?

The million dollar question is what criteria do we use to make these “cost/benefit” determinations?

Generally there are three main criteria.

  1. Satisfaction
  2. Alternatives
  3. Investment

However, after working with clients for six years I have actually added a few of my own to the criteria list.

  1. Scarcity
  2. Urgency
  3. Fear of Loss

Here’s my thinking behind my amendment.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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You can literally hit on the big three of “satisfaction, alternatives and investment” and still not get an ex to commit to you.

Sometimes an ex needs a metaphorical kick in the butt to take the action you want them to take.

That’s where my amendment criteria comes into play.

Think of it like this,

There are two categories that can really help us understand commitment decisions.

You have the factors that attack your exes reasoning for wanting to commit to you.

  1. Satisfaction- how satisfied with the relationship your ex is
  2. Alternatives- is there a better alternative to you out there?
  3. Investment- how much has your ex invested into the relationship?

However, as I stated above that sometimes these three factors aren’t enough to get an ex to commit. That is where the next category comes into play.

This has to deal with the factors that make your ex want to commit right now.

  1. Scarcity
  2. Urgency
  3. Fear of Loss

Combined these six factors create a perfect cocktail for commitment.

Psychology Technique #2: Misattribution of Emotions

While the first psychology technique was all about a macro strategy of making an ex commit this technique focuses on the micro side of things.

I cannot claim credit for this technique as I learned it from a brilliant behavioral psychologist named Dan Ariely.

Misattribution of Emotions: When you experience intense emotions with a human being it’s possible for them to transfer those emotions onto something or someone that makes sense

Probably the most interesting outcome from this psychological technique is that it can make you appear more attractive to the individual you want assuming the circumstances are right for it.

Probably the most famous example of this concept occurred when an audience was asked to rate the attractiveness level of a band that was about to go on stage and perform.

The band then took a quick intermission and the audience was asked again how attractive they thought the band members were and almost every member of the band saw an increase of attraction.

Scientists attributed this amazing increase in attraction to the music played between when they originally asked the “attractiveness question” and the intermission.

The thinking was that the music affected people emotionally and they misattributed those emotions to what made the most sense, the band.

So, here’s how you can use this psychology technique to your advantage.

Whenever you go out on a date make sure you experience something exciting with your ex.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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Hopefully they’ll attach those exciting emotions onto you and you’ll appear more attractive to them.

Psychological Technique #3: The Scarcity Principle 

This particular technique isn’t psychological the way you think.

Well, perhaps that’s not an accurate way of putting it.

It is psychological it’s just that it’s not commonly associated with romance. Instead, it’s associated with the economy.

However, I have seen applications hold true for relationships.

Here’s how it works,

The Scarcity Principle: The scarcity principle is an economic theory in which a limited supply of a good, coupled with a high demand for that good, results in a mismatch between the desired supply and demand equilibrium.

Basically when the supply doesn’t meet the demand you have a problem in economics.

But how does this apply to relationships?

The Scarcity Principle (In Relationships): We tend to value something higher when there isn’t a lot of it to go around.

In other words, the more scarce you make yourself the more likely someone is to cherish you or try to obtain you.

How often have you heard me recommend to people to “not be too available?”

I mean, for goodness sake, every time I recommend the no contact rule to someone it essentially taps into the scarcity principle.

Of course, the million dollar question you are probably wondering is how you can make yourself look scarce.

This is where the problem becomes interested because it is essentially the reverse of economics.

Generally speaking economics runs into this problem often,

High demand and low supply.

Of course, we aren’t living in the world of economics, are we?

Instead, we have a high supply (you want your ex back) and a low demand (they don’t want to get their ex back.)

So, how can we manipulate the factors to turn this around.

Well, we need to find a way to increase the demand.

The supply (you) in your situation isn’t going to change. However, by having your ex see other people find you attractive they will start to feel the pressure and might start to take action.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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If you are wondering why that is such a big deal then look no further than my talk on the uncertainty principle in this article.


Let’s do a quick recap of everything I have talked about so far.

  • Don’t expect the psychological principles I talk about in this article to be a miracle fix for every problem you have.
  • There are hundreds of psychology tricks you can use on your ex but there are three that really stand out.
  • The interdependence theory
  • The misattribution theory
  • The scarcity principle
  • You need to use each of these three psychology tricks in tandem to get the best results with your ex

Like always, don’t be afraid to ask questions or leave comments. I will respond.

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18 thoughts on “How To Use Psychological Tricks To Make Your Ex Come Back”

  1. S H

    September 3, 2019 at 2:10 pm

    Hey Chris,
    I am writing this to you with utter anguish and badly in pain. I was in a relationship with a guy for 11 years. I thought we were happy but he wasn’t so he tend to cheat a lot so many times and after that he plays the excuse of “she is just a friend or mu bestfriend” card to manipulate me as bad as he can so that I leave him and won’t complain. I started collecting proofs and found out he was sleeping with them as well. I did what not to get him back even after 1 year of the breakup but he said at first that he wants space and not commit with me right now. But 5 months back I found out he’s dating someone else. I tried no contact, but in vain. He contacts me whenever he feels like. I try moving on but he just shows up casually outside my door like nothing ever happened. If he’s with someone, then why is he still manipulating me? He has so many backups as well. Please help me out. I am suffering bad.

  2. Andy

    July 30, 2019 at 7:17 am

    I left him because we had multiple issues that we should have been compromising to solve. Almost a 5 year relationship He asked me to come home twice I stated that we had conflicts we had been unable to resolve and therefore I did not return home it’s been almost a month
    We are at a stalemate it appears
    Communication only for me to get my things (including an animal) no attempt to discuss the issues Now no contact per what I’m reading
    The issues remain and there is no going back without mutual acknowledgment and work to compromise. Contact him ? When ? Ask if he’s willing to discuss the issues ? Or move on ?

  3. Bunny

    February 16, 2019 at 6:12 am

    Hello sir
    I was with a girl she loved me alot for 3 years without any expectations, i didnot make any comitment with her, i was also intrested on her but i denied i love her. I always say she is the one like no one can be in my life.. well now she told me she doesnt love me when i started falling for her i said i love her i said i will be with her always. But nothing works, we faught alot, she told me not to talk lets move on.. i was sad i started chasing, did lots of mistake. Then after some day she told me that she is also feeling the pain inside but noy showing. But she doesnot want to be with me. I said okk and aggred not to talk.. completed 2 days. Some days ago i read your article and followd but she talked me i stoped no contact rule. It was my mistake i was penic.. But still she will call me i know for any work how to respond that.. 30 days no contact i wil follow. What to ask to you what not to ask i really dont know?

    1. Chris Seiter

      February 17, 2019 at 1:19 am

      Hi Bunny!

      So I think you will benefit if you pick up my Program so you have blueprint of what to do…what to expect…and how to continue to build value and attraction.

  4. Emily

    January 7, 2019 at 12:47 am

    Hi Chris,
    My ex and I broke up about 7 weeks ago. He felt we were were too dissimilar and wanted different things for our futures. I used the no contact rule for a month until I broke it to reply to his merry Xmas text. I don’t know where to go from here, I want to initiate conversation again but don’t want to be the one to text him first as he was the one that broke up with me. The ideal scenario would be for him to message me and want to start talking properly again. Any advice on how I can make this happen?

    1. Chris Seiter

      January 7, 2019 at 4:42 am

      Hi Emily! I think you would benefit in getting up to speed on how my Program works and the way you can optimize NC when you are using it and how to re-initiate contact. My 485 page eBook, “Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro” is an excellent resource that covers this post breakup period. I am so limited here in this comment forum in explaining my Program in detail.

  5. Broken

    January 6, 2019 at 2:58 pm

    Hi Chris,
    Me and my ex were together for 4 years and 3 months. The last 6 months of our relationship have been difficult. I have been pushing him away due to built up resentment I had about his attitude towards life (negativity, laziness etc). He has made an effort to change however our relationship has not been the same since. He broke up with me last night saying we will always make each other unhappy. He wants to keep in contact and remain friends. My birthday is in a few days and he still wants to keep original plans we made together. I am getting conflicting vibes from his words and his actions. He is telling me we will never work, but still seeing me talking to me hugging me etc. I don’t feel like no contact is the best option to get him back, what would you recommend?

    1. Chris Seiter

      January 6, 2019 at 8:00 pm

      Hi there! I know its frustrating when the vibes are conflicting. Just take it slow…try taking some pressure off the relationship or expectations of how the relationship should unfold. He may be going thru a rough patch of figuring out what he wants.

  6. Anne

    January 2, 2019 at 1:38 pm


    I had this relationship of 2 years; 2 years ago.

    We loved each other very deep and strong, however at some point he told me that he was not interested on taking any “next step” ever.
    That he was not interested on getting married, building dreams or having kids.

    So I took the decision of break up. I was upset.

    A week later he contacted me saying that he would like to try one more time and open his mind to those changes, but he had said that before and then he got back to his original position.
    A couple of months later I started dating with someone else, but it did not go well. So we break up that 2nd relationship 6 months ago.

    Now I have been dating with my ex (the first one) and we have had a great time… it’s been 4 months now, but now he said that is not sure about it again because I hurt him.
    I would like to have a honest opinion please

    I thought it was the right thing to break up since he did not want any of those things in his life
    I understand that I jumped to early into that other relationship, but I didn’t want to hurt him because of that

  7. Abiodun Emmanuel

    January 2, 2019 at 7:56 am

    Hi Chris, i am 42yrs now and my Ex girlfriend is 23yrs. My ex girlfriend broke up with me since 2016. I have been making attempts but she turned me and family down.
    I was the one who even sponsored her tertiary institution and she just graduated Dec 2018. Despite the broke up I continued to sponsor her.
    Although I’m yet to have my first degree, cos I’m just starting my Bsc program this 2019. And I’m below average financially. She posed to have a boyfriend now. Please what can I do to get her back and she said she has no feelings for me and that she can never marry me.

  8. Roseanne

    January 2, 2019 at 1:14 am

    Hi Chris. My ex broke things off with me in November, we argued over dinner and he left, i thought hed see how silly the fight was and come home. He was a step father to my children and we had big plans for the future. He has contacted me since he says that he feels like hes not himself and hes happy how things are now. He is avoiding getting his stuff and his Christmas gift from my daughter even though he said he would collect hes failed too. He messaged today to wish me luck in a course im due to start and to ask how i am. I responded to simply ask when hes getting his things and he read my reply but isnt responding. Im at a loss as what to do, i dont understand his avoidance or his being happy imediately after our split. Hes saying we can be friends but avoiding me and its upsetting. I honestly love him but i feel he hates me

    1. Chris Seiter

      January 2, 2019 at 5:37 am

      Hi Roseanne…I agree that sometimes a guy will just do something foolish and then get stubborn over it. You would benefit by having an ex recovery plan. Visit my home page of this site as I have a ton of resources that can help show you the. Perhaps NC is in order.

  9. Elisa Veliz

    December 19, 2018 at 4:13 pm

    After a long distance relationship he ended it saying he wanted to see other people. He got with a significantly younger girl a week after our break up. Says he couldn’t commit but then jumps into another relationship. We didn’t have any problems, we argued but usually cleared it up within that day. He wasn’t working so money to come see me was an issue. I’m trying to make him see how great it was and how maybe he might be lost with the whole job situation and the convenience of having a girl close by. Any suggestions.

  10. Michelle

    December 13, 2018 at 3:33 pm

    Hi Chris! I need advice. My ex finalized a break up after I said I couldn’t deal with his depression (of 2 years) that he refused to get help for. He quit taking all of his meds and wouldn’t accept my help anymore. I told him he was bringing me down so he said he didn’t want to bring me down or hurt me anymore so he ended it then when I freaked out (sadly) for two days he wouldn’t respond to none of my texts so I went no contact. A week in to it he messaged me saying I hope you are doing well and saying how my family was good people and that he told them if they ever needed anything to call him. Then after the third text put well take care and be safe. I still have not responded to his text. Not sure what to do. I know I’m dealing with someone that’s depressed but he doesn’t want to get help. He says he wants to be better but doesn’t take the steps to get there. It’s so hard because I love this guy but it truly was bringing me down because all he wanted to do was sleep.

    1. Chris Seiter

      December 14, 2018 at 12:50 am

      Hi Michelle! Sorry your ex won’t care for his mental health as that can interferes with the health of the relationship. I wonder if there is somone he is close to and will follow their lead and i this someone could help make an intervention so your guy can get help.

  11. Cindy

    December 12, 2018 at 9:10 am

    ok Chris my ex is an avoidant and texts me, says yes he would like to meet up but then runs and hides when I ask? What to do?? We have had 3 meet ups, but none since September

    1. Chris Seiter

      December 13, 2018 at 12:42 am

      Hi Cindy!

      I know the type, though what causes the behavior is a more complicated discussion! Sometimes you need to pull back…giving him space allowing him to break the silence as the way things are rolling now is cyclical and not meeting your needs.

  12. Elle

    December 11, 2018 at 1:33 pm

    Hi Chris! I need advice…
    My ex and I have been four months without talking. After one year bulding rapport, after giving a step planning a skype session, he decided that we should wait and all in a weird way like…breaking up with me again without having anything. He even didn’t text me on my birthday (our birthdays were “sacred” even after the break up).
    And he is acting weird in social media, months without posting ANYTHING, this is so NOT him. And I’ve been thinking if he is making that on purpose in order to see who cares and asks. Not doing that would be bad for me but since our last conversation was the one I described and ALSO my bday thing… I didn’t feel like initiating. As a matter of fact, the absence of birthday text (and the four months, I haven’t spent more than a month, NC, without talking, and he always ended up texting) coud make me thing that he doesn’t want anything from me. But if the thing about seeing who cares was true… I would lost any minimal chance I could have in a little part of his heart, if that chance existed (our connection and the sparke was still there, he told me while building rapport).
    Should I text? After all that…It’s difficult and I am afraid of a bad response, if I show too much concern, he could be condescendant or something, I don’t know what to think because this silence of months and the lack of birthday text have me very confused.
    What do you think?

    Thank you a lot

    PD. We are long distance and I don’t know if he is dating someone, if he is, it would be very recent