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166 thoughts on “How To Properly Start A Conversation With Your Ex After No Contact”

  1. Beth

    March 29, 2018 at 5:36 pm

    Hey, my bf and I broke up because we kept on having petty arguments that escalated and he thought I didn’t care enough about him and that I took him for granted. He wanted to remain friends but I thought we should try and work on things. He said no and started talking to other girls and I felt like I couldn’t be his friend while he was doing that. I only got through 6 days of nc until I found out through a friend that he was asking how I was doing. I stupidly decided to send him a message saying I’m doing good and I hope he is too. One thing led to another and it sounded like he was mad that I haven’t been speaking to him for the past week and caused an argument because he now feels like he needs his own space from me. Should I try the nc again? He seems really upset. I messaged him after to say I was sorry about the argument and that I want things to be better and he responded “cool.” Should I try no contact again? I think he’s really mad and doesn’t even want to be my friend anymore.

    1. Chris Seiter

      April 3, 2018 at 1:52 am

      I am glad he doesn’t want to be your friend.

      Being friends gets you stuck in the friend zone. You should be avoiding that like the plague.

      Ok, I feel like it’s important that you get through ALL OF NO CONTACT!!!!!

  2. Anne

    March 28, 2018 at 3:10 am

    Hi, I cut the NC rule for just 7 days because I fee like I need to greet him on his bday. So I greeted him earlier than his bday cos I thought that is his birthdate then he replied me like “thanks hehe but my bday is on “. Then we just messaged something like we missed each other. Yes I failed on doing the NC rule. what shall I do after that. should I greet him again on his coming bday?

    PS. I tried the NC because He wants us to be friends after months of liking each other, we are not in relationship but sort of like that cos its hard to pursue because LDR. Its just painful that he didn’t even try to sacrifice or do some effort for us to be okay. what is he thinking is we better be friends. I want him to realize that I am the girl worth his sacrifice.

    1. Chris Seiter

      April 3, 2018 at 1:46 am

      I think it was a mistake to cut the NC rule short for a happy birthday wish. In fact, I’ve written so many articles and done so many podcasts on why it’s a bad idea.

  3. Claire

    March 14, 2018 at 6:53 am

    Hi, I’m preparing my first text for after NC. Which idea is best? I think first one perhaps?
    1. Stuck in traffic, driving me crazy! Stopped right next to a Skoda Fabia and it reminded me of you. Made me smile. Hope yours is still on the road!
    2. There’s a new sushi restaurant in Manchester called Umezushi that my friend was telling me about. I thought I’d let you know as I remember how much you really like sushi 🙂

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 15, 2018 at 2:49 pm

      Which of the two topics he talks about more?

  4. Ashley

    March 11, 2018 at 5:13 am

    I’m coming towards the end of NC right now and am wondering how to contact my ex without seeming needy. Things ended because my anxiety was sabotaging the relationship and I wasn’t really taking care of myself emotionally, I had an anxious attachment style and got very clingy, so he said he loved me but that the relationship was too much responsibility. Since NC I’ve been taking care of myself, going to therapy, and have been tackling the issues related to my anxiety head on. I feel a lot more confident about taking care of myself and dealing with the issues we previously faced. I know I’d be ok without him, but I’m confident in our ability to have a healthy and happy relationship together, and I miss our friendship. I asked my ex not to contact me during this period before even knowing what NC was, and he’s respected that. I’m just not sure how to reach out to him now without coming off as desperate or clingy.

  5. maina

    March 8, 2018 at 5:50 pm

    I txted my ex after no contact rule
    He dint reply…wat shall I do nw

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 11, 2018 at 11:18 am

  6. Hmmm

    February 24, 2018 at 3:28 pm

    Hi Amor,

    I had to break no contact (at day 22) because of an emergency. What should I do now? I said nothing about the relationship we spoke only briefly about the emergency and haven’t spoken since.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 27, 2018 at 11:28 am

      What was the emergency?

  7. Joe

    February 22, 2018 at 10:39 am

    Me and my Ex broke up a month ago and 2 weeks ago I went on a night out with my ex ex and a couple of friends. My ex didn’t like my ex ex because there was times when I went on a boys night out and i’d bump into my ex ex but I wouldn’t tell my ex that I seen her and then a mutual friend will accidentally tell her that I bumped into her. I didn’t think my ex would care that I went on a night out with her because she broke up with me as she wants to ‘focus on her career In showjumping and she won’t have anytime for me in the summer’.

    When my ex saw me to break up with me she told me to text her when I’m ready and that she hopes we could still be friends. So after a month after the break up I decided to message her a casual nice text asking how she was but she’s not replied and it’s been over a day now. From talking to mutual friends they told me that she found out about me going on a night out with my ex ex and a couple of friends and she’s upset about it.

    Me and my ex ex are purely just friends now but my ex doesn’t know that. My ex ex gave me advise and reassurance when me and my ex broke up. She then suggested going on a night out with mutual friends so that’s why I went out with her, unaware it will hurt my ex.

    My ex also deleted me on snapchat after the night out with my ex ex.

    I need advice on how to go about this because I feel terrible that I’ve upset her because we’ve both been through difficult months recently. My father passed away 3 months ago and her close friend and father passed away so the last thing I want to do is upset her.

    I do truly want her in my life even if it is just a friendship because when my father passed away it was her who was there for me as a shoulder to cry on and I was there to reassure her and be her shoulder to cry on through these tough months. I have so much care and respect for her that I just don’t want to lose her completely.

    I want to text her to apologise but I don’t want to look desperate by bombarding her with texts

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 26, 2018 at 3:12 pm

      Hi Joe,

      Are you willing to cut ties and stop being friends with your ex ex?

  8. Gravity

    February 13, 2018 at 9:53 pm

    I had a 4 year relationship. It ended last November (2017). As of January, we established a NC rule. In Feb, after 30 or so days, I contacted him. This was before reading your guide so I effed up and sent “I miss you”.

    Its been a few days since we started dryly texting each other. I guess… I don’t understand my intentions for contacting him. Maybe I’m obviously not over him. Maybe I’m a glutton for pain. Maybe I miss him and miss having someone to speak to. IDK. I have no idea where to take it from here — I dont know if I want to reignite the flame or just be friends. Is it possible? I feel a lot of overwhelming emotions right meow /:

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 18, 2018 at 1:35 pm

      Hi Gravity,

      Let him initiate for now and be more focused in your activities

  9. Jessica

    February 12, 2018 at 8:00 am

    My ex had reached out to me end of December.. We started texting for a few weeks and things were going okay.. A month after talking again, I felt that things were not going the way I had wanted them to (poor communication, long-distance, bad timing), but maybe I was wrong to have expectations to begin with… I decided to delete him off snapchat and cut ties with him in order to finally get over him. Last week, he texted me saying hi and that he hoped i was doing well. I texted back asking how he was doing, but he never responded. I constantly think about him and want him more than anything. I am a firm believer in knowing that things will work out just the way they should, but timing has NEVER worked in our favor, which is why we never worked. Our love was extremely passionate and very mutual, but I ended things initially due to the circumstances we were dealt with. Should I text him again and try to reach out to him? It’s weird because when I have him in my life, I don’t think about him as much and I am less anxious and stressed. But when he’s not in my life, he CONTINUES to consume my mind and it drives me crazy. I can’t live with or without him. Please help.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 15, 2018 at 6:48 pm

      Hi Jessica,

      Yes, you can.. Do you want to try the nc rule?

  10. Annie

    February 12, 2018 at 4:13 am

    Hello all,

    Would appreciate any advice.

    My boyfriend broke up with me after a very intense whirlwind 3.5 months, where he said repeatedly that I’m the one and was planning to propose eventually. We were about to move in together when he seemingly panicked, said we don’t work long term and don’t have enough in common. I suspect it’s largely that he felt inadequate /insecure in terms of where he is in life and career — he frequently expressed insecurity during our relationship that I would find someone better.

    I did beg a bit during the actual breakup, but immediately went to NC after that. Let 24 days go by, and I texted him after his/our team lost a match. He responded immediately and positively, but did not ask questions or give any substance to continue a conversation.

    What is my next move? Do I now wait for him to initiate the next message? Do I space out light, positive texts to slowly re-establish a positive connection?

    Thank you so much in advance!!!!!

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 15, 2018 at 6:33 pm

      Hi Annie
      How much did you improve yourself and how active were you in doing social media posts?

  11. Monica

    February 8, 2018 at 9:21 pm

    Hello, I am finishing NC in a week and I was just wondering how I should react/what I should say if I’m talking with my ex and he says something like “What are you trying to do?” or “We shouldn’t be talking this much.”

    Thank you 🙂

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 9, 2018 at 12:50 pm

      Hi Monica,
      Why would he say that? Are you actively posting in social media? Don’t over think, it will just make you panic or desperate once he shows a few signs like that.

  12. Travis

    February 6, 2018 at 12:03 pm

    Hi,
    So I had dated this guy for two months last October when he broke it off with me the beginning of December. I had given him a gift/note telling him how I was starting to fall for him and he had told me that he wasn’t ready for a commitment or a relationship and just wanted to casually date because of things going on and how he didn’t want to lead me on. Thing is our relationship got intense and passionate real fast, and really all by his doing. He had gone to visit family during thanksgiving and I made sure not to text him during his time there as to not seem like I was being clingy. He ended up texting me how much he missed me and I had told him I missed him a lot as well. So a week later when he broke up with me caused me to be very confused and pretty devastated. After the initial break up a few days later I texted him letting him know I had never asked him for a commitment and never wanted one and was perfectly happy with what we were doing and apologized for screwing up/messing up something good. He responded saying I had nothing to apologize for and screwed nothing up. That he was having anxiety on the direction we were going and knew that we were coming to the point where he would have to commit or leave and apologized for not being upfront and honest about how he was feeling. He let me know how great, wonderful, and romantic I was and that he had a really great time and fun spending time with me but when I gave him the gift he knew we were at that point. I offered friendship because I didn’t want to lose such a good friend but said it would be best if we don’t continue anything, even casual. So I did No Contact and didn’t speak with him until very recently. I had texted him for advice about making connections and friends because I knew he had traveled from city to city not knowing anyone and what he did to make friends. I figured he wouldn’t respond since he said we should talk for awhile and how he didn’t want to be friends. He responded by the end of the day to much of my surprise with very solid advice and told me how great I was and that I would be able to make long lasting connection. I waited til the end of the weekend to respond telling him that was solid advice and thank for so much for giving me the time to respond and listen to my problem since he didnt have to. I waited for a reply but never got one so I ended up sending him another text asking for a link to a site he had mentioned and he responded immediately with a “sure thing!” and sent me the link and I replied thank for and thank you again for the advice and got another response “of Course! Happy to help”. These last text messages seem much more friendly than the first one that seemed kinda distant. Do you think if I continue to slowly text him I might be able to start up a dialogue with him again? We never had any problems in our initial relationship and in fact he had seem totally in to me and he would tell me how much he really liked me and was very affectionate and intimate with me. Aside from the break up I though he would be ok with being friends but was taken back again that he said we shouldn’t continue anything. Do you think he seems receptive to talking again, and maybe if things go slowly he might be interested in starting up dating again? I honestly believe he had the same feelings for me that I did for him but got scared off by how intense he had gotten in such a short amount of time.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 8, 2018 at 12:13 pm

      Hi Travis,

      How long did you do nc, how much did you improve and are you still improving yourself and how active are you in posting in social media?

  13. Sarah

    January 24, 2018 at 5:23 am

    Hi,

    I have a similar question to one of the questions above… So far I have initiated 4 texts with my ex boyfriend and in between he initiated 1 text. I tried to space out my texts to 3-4 days over a 3 week period and his responses were generally quite positive. In our last text conversation, he even sent a double text to check on why i stopped replying after not responding for an hour. So i would say things are going in the right direction?

    I need advice on what should I do next? should I keep on initiating texts to build rapport? Won’t it look like I am chasing him/interested if I keep sending him messages?

    Also, one thing to note, during our relationship, we seldom spoke on the phone. We either texted or met in person. So there won’t be a progress to phone conversation stage… Also, he did mention casually during our texts that we should meet up soon. But I am not sure if he meant it as he did not follow up to set up any plans… What does that mean?

    Thanks and hope to hear back soon!

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 25, 2018 at 7:43 pm

      Hi Sarah,
      it’s ok to initiate, what’s more important is that you’re the one ending the conversation at high point and if you’re not keen to calls before, it’s ok to jump to meet ups but that would mean you need to do a longer time building rapport in text.

  14. Marie

    January 22, 2018 at 10:52 pm

    Hi EBR team,
    Yes ive listed the topics that he is interested in. i was planning to text him telling him about a good news. is that ok?? or i should stick to the topic he is interested in?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 24, 2018 at 4:27 am

      It depends if the good news is something he would be more likely to reply to. Check this one too:
      The Most Effective Text Messages To Send To Your Ex Boyfriend

  15. Marie

    January 19, 2018 at 10:23 pm

    Hi EBR team,
    My NC rule will end in a week. i dont know what to text him or anything, i need your help!

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 21, 2018 at 6:39 am

      Hi Marie,

      have you listed his topics of interest?

  16. Bailey

    January 11, 2018 at 7:48 pm

    My boyfriend and I dated for almost 3 months. We were super in love, I hung out with his family often, had Thanksgiving with them, and he talked futuristically with me and we told each other I love you. I thought he was the one. It was so different and easy and natural and fun with him.
    He is a minor league baseball player, attractive, and gets attention. The final break up happened on Christmas, from me, because I got upset about not being invited to Christmas with him at his family’s, and had gotten insecure and tried to break up a few other times over social media girls he followed and sometimes not feeling included. He reassured me during those times that he’d help me feel secure and loved me.
    I never actually wanted to break up, but after Christmas, that was the last straw and he wouldn’t give me another chance. He blocked me from Snapchat and Instagram (where I would look at his likes) but not on Facebook. He said I lack self confidence (which I find myself to be confident, just got bothered and maybe overreacted to him liking certain girls’ pictures and not knowing if I could trust him). After writing him a letter and trying to text him after the breakup, he said he doesn’t think he feels as strongly as I do, and that’s why he doesn’t want to give a second chance. I know he felt seriously about me by what he said and acted before though.
    The breakup happened on Christmas, and our last text was on January 8th. The problem is, he leaves for the baseball season for 7 months starting on February 1st. I’m trying to start NC, but I don’t know what to say or if I even have a chance since he will be gone out of state and it will be long distance by the time NC is over. Please advise.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 14, 2018 at 8:13 pm

  17. Lis

    January 6, 2018 at 4:22 pm

    Dear Amor thank you for your answer,
    He knows that he is the only person who suffering from this disease. Yes it is a disease he was suffering from i always support him about this issue in our relatiomship. Now I have some symptoms of this disease so i am very new anout the topic so i want to get some help from him and ask some questions about what ways i need to follow medical. So he can help and say things that can help me and maybe we can start building rapport. I wont be negative and needy. I am just going to say what is my situation and ask for help. And i am going to be positive about tht i am going to say that i am good and feelng good actually. What is your idea Amor?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 9, 2018 at 6:00 pm

      Ah ok..yes, you can try that..

  18. Ani

    January 3, 2018 at 7:22 pm

    I’m going to text my for the first time in almost 3 months. We were only together for 2 months and during the time I acted clingy so I have spoken to him at all this whole time. During NC was my bday and the holidays but he didn’t contact me at all so I’m feeling a little discouraged from doing this. I’m going to send him a text and then go shopping so I’m not waiting for a reply.

  19. Lis

    January 2, 2018 at 8:43 pm

    Hi I am currently dealing with a negative experience and my n.c. is about to end. I wantto get help from my ex about this issue because he is experinced of this issues so that he can help me. So we can slowly built rapport during this helping process. Is it a bad idea to make the first contact with a negative topic but with a positive talk? Also I dont think he would answer me if I use another topics because he didnot answer my 2 text at the end of the first N.C.period.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 5, 2018 at 6:53 pm

      how negative is it? Would it look like to him that you’re just making it as an excuse to talk to him or he knows he’s really the only one you know that could help?

  20. Cherie

    December 13, 2017 at 7:41 pm

    I have been split up with my ex for just over 2 months. We were together for 12 years and had brought a house but not moved in. I found out he has been messaging a girl from work they both spoke about having feelings for each other and only if things were different. This has been going on for a year he told me they were just friends so I said could I meet her, he said it’s hard because he has feelings for her so I asked he stop talking to her but he didn’t so I ended the relationship not by choice. He then tells me he hasn’t loved me for 3 and 1/2 years he wants to be on his own to sort himself out but I know he has been seeing this girl still messaging and going out for dinner. He does not contact me at all. We have had over 2 months no contact, I really want to contact him but scared of rejection and I don’t know what to say I feel like I no longer know him

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 15, 2017 at 1:37 pm

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