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Lou Lou
August 8, 2017 at 11:56 pm
My husband moved out 2 months ago. I did limited contact for 30 days because we have a child. I tried to initiate contact with limited success. When I’ve seen him to supervise his visits with our child I’ve been friendly. Today he and I chatted and it was pleasant. Apparently right after that he called a divorce attorney. Any ideas what happened? What should I do?
Lou Lou
August 10, 2017 at 12:55 am
I’ve had a hard time moving on but I’ve done well health, wealth, and happiness. My relationships are doing well. I’ve started a stay at home job. I do lots of interesting things. Work out a good amount. Should I reinitiate limited contact? Or keep being friendly. He didn’t tell me about calling the attorney. I heard it through another means.
EBR Team Member: Amor
August 10, 2017 at 4:48 pm
so he didn’t tell you he’s getting a divorce? What if he told the attorney that he wants to hold off filing for divorce? Yep, you should keep building rapport slowly.
EBR Team Member: Amor
August 9, 2017 at 3:57 pm
That means he’s set on divorcing.. How much did you improve since you started limited contact?
Lou Lou
August 8, 2017 at 11:49 pm
My husband left about 2 months ago. I did limited contact ( we have a child) I’ve been talking to him with limited success. A couple of weeks ago he brought up divorce. Never brought it up again. I’ve been keeping up being friendly, especially when I supervise his visits with our baby. Today I was supervising a visit and he and I chatted in a friendly manner. Things seemed to be going well. I just found out he called a divorce attorney after he left the visit today. Any idea what’s going on? What do I do?
EBR Team Member: Amor
August 9, 2017 at 3:57 pm
That means he’s set on divorcing.. How much did you improve since you started limited contact?
Mar T.
June 28, 2017 at 2:27 am
My husband left 8 months ago. He has started seeing someone else and says he’s started the divorce process. I’m guilty of text message terrorism which I vow to stop today. There will be limited contact as we have a college age son. Should I avoid all public/social settings where our paths may cross?
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 30, 2017 at 9:36 am
Nope..just be civil with him
Ha B
May 22, 2017 at 9:26 am
I love this website & motivates me to want to improve on myself!
My husband & I have been together for 1.5 years but fought a lot especially in the beginning. I was mentally unstable and would verbally abuse him, calling him names and at times even hit him. He had never threatened to leave me & always seemed so madly in love with me, treating me like a princess.
I got pregnant and in the beginning we had many fights. Halfway through my pregnancy, my parents intervened and told me I needed to change my ways and have not laid a finger on him for the past 4 months. We even stopped arguing much.
I gave birth 6 weeks ago and due to stress with the baby, I had given my husband less attention & affection. I started getting irritable with him & nagged at about everything he did. However, we never went to bed angry and we would talk about our day & tell each other we loved them.
He is young and unemployed so my family paid for his education which he had not taken seriously and failed multiple exams. It was the 2nd argument in a month since the arrival of the baby & he had not studied for a resit exam so I blew up and called him names, cussed him, I was very mean. He said “ok, I’m leaving for school” and left. An hour later, he sent me a text that we shouldn’t be together and he was leaving the country to go back home. I was devastated and begged him to work things out & that I would change & do anything. I told him to think about our family & called him but he rejected my calls.
2 days later he texted that it was over & he wanted a divorce and then blocked me again. His parents had bought him a ticket home as he told them I had beaten him & seized his belongings, including passport (all false). He had blocked me off all social media & created new accounts, adding women.
It has been 2.5 weeks. He emailed me a few times asking for photos of the baby & why his facebook account is inaccessible. I begged him & apologised, made desperate pleas, reminded him of our old memories, to which he said “you have no respect for me. There is no starting over with you. You never loved me, how could u if u treated me like your dog.” I sent several apology emails to which he has ignored… I am so devastated as I was so happy and did not think much of our squabbles before & he had never communicated his unhappiness…
Please advise me on whether there is a chance in saving this marriage given his coldness to the situation. He had always been a loving, loyal and affectionate husband who always gave in to me despite me being a bitch before.
I will be going to his home city in 2 months to continue with my studies at university (it was where we first met anyway). What is the likelihood this marriage can be salvaged & how do I go about doing it? His family hate me and have a very strong influence on him at the moment.
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 24, 2017 at 1:39 pm
I think there’s still a chance.. just stop begging.. start doing the no contact rule.. do at least 30 days.. it’s ok to talk about the baby but only make it about the baby.
gia
January 31, 2017 at 5:04 pm
Hi,
I had been keeping the fact that my depression had gotten really bad from my husband for about a year now. I didn’t want to worry him so I tried to deal with it myself. That backfired on me and affected our communication. We started arguing constantly and I would walk away from him when I was upset. He had work stress as well so it really didn’t help that I was always moody when he got home. He thought I was just not taking my studies seriously and that I was simply lazy and did not respect him. But the truth is I really did respect him and really did try to get my work done. I would hit these writers blocks and could not concentrate. He and I bickered and I’d criticise him constantly on the way he looked and the way he dressed. He never really said anything about it and we always seemed to be fine the next day but it turns out he held everything in. He left the country to go see his family and when he got there, he stopped communicating with me. It wasn’t like him to not stay in touch. I’d only get to see him if I had facetimed his mom early on in the morning just as he woke up. He’d make some excuse for why he couldn’t talk to me like the phone was out of battery or he hadn’t taken his phone out with him. What really got to me was the fact that he had changed his return flight to another later day without even informing me. I had to find out through his mom. Of course this set me off and the second we were on the call and he snapped at me I brought this up and was furious. I said that if he was going to be like this then what was the point of this marriage? And I told him I was tired of our fighting and that I wanted to talk to my folks about how we could separate. He agreed that this relationship was awful and that he wasn’t happy anymore. I went home the next day and we stopped speaking. I realised after going home that what I said I never really meant. I was just hurt and wanted him to know how I felt. I sent him a text apologising but I got nothing. Then when he got back, I sent him another text and got one back which was essentially stating that I had ruined his life and that because of the way I treated him, he lost his job and that ending things was the best decision he had ever made. He asked that I not contact him again but I did because I needed to explain myself. He didn’t want to hear it so he asked that I return the key to our place and he blocked me off of all social media as well as blocking my number. I have tried and tried to contact him but I now realize that it is probably just making him want to end things sooner. He wants to sign a separation agreement so that we can legally be apart. I wanted to send him a present that I had got him for the new years but never got around to giving it to him. I’ve been on and off on the NC. should I send him a note sincerely saying sorry with his present for valentine’s day? Will this defeat the purpose of NC? Will this help my situation?
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 1, 2017 at 10:47 am
Hi Gia,
right now, he doesn’t want to talk, to the point that he had to block you. So, dont push it. Get therapy, start healing and improving yourself so you can be more rational and that you can think more clearly..
Daffodil
December 11, 2016 at 2:15 am
We have been married for 19 years. He stopped intimacy with me about a year ago. I asked him a few times and he denied having an affair. Finally about a month ago he admitted having an affair after I confronted him. Since then, he wanted to divorce me and even told me he has plan to remarry. And his behaviour towards me turned drastically cold after the affair is made known. Before that he was still warm towards me and would still use words of endearment on me.
After I know about the affair, he would sometimes lied to me on weekdays to meet her after work. At times on weekends he would say he is going out and I know he is meeting her. So I told him to leave the house if he wants to continue the affair. So last week he told our child that he may move out. During this period, I have been trying to talk to him about our marriage but he would not open up. He said his needs has changed and he has internal conflict that only he himself can resolve. Now his mind is wavering because of our child. I told him I will give him some time to look for his own place but during this period he shall not meet her at all as a form of respect to me and to avoid bad impact on our child to see the daddy leading his own life on weekends. He agreed to that but he disagree to not having phone contact with her. So he admits he still talks to her on the phone. He is supposed to sort out his thoughts these few weeks and decide whether he still wants to be in the marriage or move out. Meanwhile, we still have our usual family outings with our child. I would still do his laundry and prepare his meals etc. He is physically cold towards me but I would still hug/cuddle him or kiss his face before I sleep. We still sleep on the same bed. He would still tell me about things that happened to him at work. If I talk to him about us, he would start to close himself up and get aggitated if the conversation gets too deep. I told him I still love him and I will be waiting for him if he turns back to our marriage, but I will not wait for too long. So he is suppose to make his decision within these few weeks. Surprisingly he said regardless of his decision, he wants to take us for family holiday for the sake of our child, and we are set for the trip in 2 weeks time after he returns from his business trip. At this moment he is on a business trip.
My question is: during this period while he decide whether to end the affair and remain in the marriage, is it doing more harm than good for me to hug/cuddle/kiss him to maintain whatever little physical contact I have with him? Should I text him that I miss him or ask about his well being while he is away on business trip? What else should I do or not do to win him back to our marriage?
Daffodil
January 8, 2017 at 10:38 am
Hi. Thank you for your reply. You are right. My husband has decided to leave me. He is in the midst of looking for a suitable place to move out, which should happen pretty soon. I have stopped act of intimacy towards him, though I remain amiable and still prepare his meals and do his laundry while he still lives here.
After he moves out, I know my child would still like to have family outings where both he and I are both present together. Is that advisable? Or should I keep it strictly no contact such that I exclude myself when he takes her for outing? What should I do so that he may hopefully turn back to the marriage during our separation?
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 8, 2017 at 9:49 pm
during nc, it would be better to avoid being with him.. let’s say, it’s just a short period of time where your child gets solo dates with the both of you.. you have to really genuinely improve and make a new routine for yourself
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 13, 2016 at 4:30 pm
Hi Daffodil,
Getting real here. There’s a small chance that he will choose it, and if he does stay, it’s not going to be for your nor the marriage, it’s for the child. So, for me, it’s not healthy relationship. If he chooses to stay, he will probably keep his affair because he didn’t stay for the marriage. That means you still have the same problem as before and then later on he will probably realize he just really have to choose the affair, since he already made the first step of admitting it, instead of leaving it. For me, you should stop the intimacy. It’s ok to be kind but you have to act like you’re just co parenting and that you have accepted the situation now, and that you’re starting to move on and improve.
C.
December 1, 2016 at 4:58 pm
I’m currently married with my husband of 7 years. We dated for 10 years before getting married. We had a very happy, loving relationship until 3 years ago when we had our first child together. He used to treat me like a queen. Admittedly, there were times that I took it for granted. After our first child was born, I became a stay at home mom. I suffered a little post-partum and began to take my frustrations out on my husband. I started complaining all the time and we bickered a lot. He started to feel like he would never be good enough for me.
Last year, I started seeing inappropriate text messages from one of his employees. (He owns his own business) When I confronted him, he said there was nothing going on but he admitted he was attracted to her. He said that he had never found other women attractive in the past because he knew he was lucky to be with me. But he didn’t feel that way anymore because our marriage was starting to deteriorate. I was devastated and we started marital counseling. Counseling made things worse. It just became an excuse for us to fight more. I kicked him out of the house almost once a month for 4 months because our fights would get progressively worse and the contact between him and the employee became more frequent. Looking back, I should’ve never kicked him out of the house and tried to understand why he was seeking comfort in another woman. The other woman is totally not his type and they have no future together. She is married too.
The last time I kicked him out, he moved out for 2 months. By that time, I had just found out we were pregnant with our 2nd child. I asked him to tell his employee to stop flirting with him and to keep things professional for the sake of our family. He refused. He said I would just find another excuse to get mad at him and control him. He hated that I was always spying on him. So when he refused to tell her to keep things professional, I took that as a sign that he didn’t want our family anymore and he chose her. After he left, I wouldn’t let him see me or his first child very much because I was angry that he had chosen another woman over me. It became extremely resentful and angry about that. The minute he left, I regretted kicking him out but I was so hurt and angry. I needed the time away from him to really reflect on our marriage and I wanted to save it. By that time, he had already started a full blown affair with his employee. Before he moved out, they were just flirting. Now their relationship had turned physical.
After our 2 month separation, I asked him to move home. He said he didn’t want to come back but eventually decided to move back home to spend more time with our first child and to help take care of me because I’m pregnant. But he made it very clear that he does not want to work things out with me anymore and he’s not ready to end the affair. We are living in the same house now, sleeping in separate bedrooms. We both take care of each other. I cook and clean for him…I try to make the house pleasant for him. He tells me he still loves me but that he doesn’t know if he can be the same man to me anymore. It’s clear that he’s not attracted to me anymore. He doesn’t look at me the same and he’s cold and distant. But at the same time, he still cares for me too. He runs errands for me and massages my back because I’m pregnant. He comes to all my appointments and he still shows genuine care for me, like I’m his sister. We act like very considerate roommates. It makes it hard for me to hate him even though he’s openly cheating on me. I’ve begged and pleaded for him to end the affair for the sake of our family. But he keeps telling me he needs time and he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. But the longer this affair goes on, the crazier I get. He thinks I keep pushing him and controlling him. His whole family knows about the affair and they’ve been pushing him to end it too for the sake of his family and his business. But he’s decided that he wants to be selfish right now. He’s tired of “doing the right thing” because it’s gotten him nowhere in the past. Last week, he told me he ended it. But I know he only said it so that I would stop asking him about it. I know the affair is still going on. Despite all this drama, I still want him back. I know in my heart he is still a good man and he’s rebelling. He’s conflicted and he wants to keep the family together too. He just doesn’t want me right now. I know I’ve made horrible mistakes. And I know my constant apologizing and begging has only pushed him further way. But it’s hard to implement the no contact rule, when we live together and have kids. If I kick him out again, he will never come back. I’ve decided to focus on myself and the baby as much as I can. But I also know he’s still seeing his mistress while I’m pregnant with his child and it’s eating me up inside. How do I win him back after all that has happened? How do I get him to leave his mistress and look at me the same way again?
C.
December 21, 2016 at 4:49 pm
Hi Amor,
So I’ve started the modified NC rule about 2-3 weeks ago. Since then, I’ve had my baby and my husband has been home taking very good care of me. He’s been very helpful around the house and even bought me a push gift. However, he is still speaking to his mistress on the phone and he is still emotionally detached from me. So I know he’s taking care of me out of marital obligation. I feel like he enjoys talking to his mistress because he doesn’t have anyone else to talk to about his day and he craves the emotional bond we once had. By instilling this NC rule, am I pushing him further away? I’m just not sure how receptive he will be to me in 45 days after very limited contact. How do I start being more friendly to him after the NC rule without chasing him away? We’re still living together so do I text him? How do I act more affectionate without pressuring him?
Also – he says he doesn’t want to talk about our relationship for a while…for at least another 6 months so we can just focus on the kids. But I don’t think it’s fair that he wants to push off our relationship while he continues his affair with his mistress. He keeps telling me it’s not about her, the problems are about us. He says she’s not that important. But I tell him that it is about her if he continues his affair with her. He just refuses to see that point. If I kick him out again for carrying on the affair, then he probably won’t come back. I feel stuck. Do I just wait out the 6 months while living with him? I feel like the longer we spend emotionally detached from each other, the harder it will be for us to get back together again.
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 25, 2016 at 4:32 am
The nc rule will not make him leave his mistress.. and honestly, it looka like he’s just using that 6 months condition because he thinks by then you moved on.. right now, when you’re not taking care of the baby, take care of yourself and improve yourself as much as you can..when you’re taking the baby out, use that to have fun , to see friends, walk so you can get exercise, see your family, have a haircut when he’s on baby duty. For me, doing nc is not pushing him away because even if you don’t do it, pushing or talking to hin about the relationship is not woking either right? So, it’s better to to improve yourself, raise your value for your self esteem and for your child.. Put yourself first..Let’s say that, you’re giving the other girl a hard competition because you’re not like her, you’re way better. You dont ruin relationships just for love and you’re not the type to chase too.
you dont have to text, since you live together..
C.
December 4, 2016 at 4:43 pm
It it worth it to let my husband know that I know he’s still cheating on me, even though he told me he ended the affair? They are trying to be “good” but they still talk and flirt with each other. I don’t think they’re doing anything physical anymore. The affair is still emotional and he has no plans to fire her or stop contact with her.
I don’t want him to think I’m being “polite” to him during our NC phase just because I think the affair is ended. I would not tell him I know he’s lying in a “confrontational” way but in a calm way. So should I tell him?
Also, he seems to be acting rebellious and self-destructive. I know he’s feeling conflicted and a lot of pressure because of what we’re going through right now. He wants to do the right thing but he’s continuing this affair even though he’s jeopardizing his family and his business. Even his family is pressuring him to treat me better and make me happy because I’m pregnant. He’s also smoking even though he knows he has health problems. I’m very concerned about his health and well-being. He has always been a good guy and has had strong self control. Should I tell him that I’m worried about him and despite our problems, even if things don’t work out between us, he can come to me as a supportive friend? I don’t want him risking his health anymore.
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 5, 2016 at 11:36 am
ok, tell him calmly.. and then start the count for nc after that.. being a supportive friend, should be after nc.. Let him feel you’re tired, and putting yourself first. You’re not his mommy.. The more you mommy him, the more he will rebel.
C.
December 2, 2016 at 3:00 pm
Thanks Amor. I will try my best to stay focused on myself and the baby. After the baby is born, I will probably be staying at home a lot for a few weeks so I won’t really be out much. It’ll be tough for me to have my own routine without him around. I have a few more questions…
In the meantime, do I try a modified No Contact rule even though we are living together? Do I send him cute text messages and say nice things to him after a certain period of time?
When he takes my first child out to play, do I not go with them? We still act like a family and have family outings together. Should we spend time with my kids separately?
Also, he gives me a kiss on the cheek when he comes home and sometimes I hug him or hold him when we’re on the couch watching TV. He doesn’t stop me because he doesn’t want to upset me while I’m pregnant but I know he’s not attracted to me in that way anymore. Do I stop all physical contact?
How do I get him to miss me and leave his mistress? He seems to be a different person now, I think he’s even picked up smoking again after years of not smoking. Have I lost him for good?
Do I tell the mistress’ husband that she’s cheating? I don’t want to confront the mistress because I know that will probably make things worse. But should I somehow try to expose the affair?
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 2, 2016 at 7:52 pm
Nope, dont confront the mistress. Basically, you have to stop demanding, and asking about feelings and the relationship.. If he gives a casual kiss when he gets home I think that’s ok but dont initiate hugging or being cuddly.. Act like, you’ve already accepted the situation and you’re stopping to try by stopping the physical and verbal effort for him.. But be polite, be calm, only talk to him about things that are important. If he initiates a small talk, reply short but polite.. It’s ok to be happy with your kid. You’re not a couple but you’re still co parenting. Be happy with your child and him if you have happy moments..just dont be intimate with him.. If he starts being intimate, be cautious and calmly explain you’re not comfortable in that anymore because you’ve accepted the situation and you’re not comfortable knowing he has a gf..
During nc, it would be better if you spend time with the kids separately and that you start a routine that you have a day that it’s only you and the kids and continue that routine even after nc..You dont need to text, since you already live together..just slowly start being more friendly after nc.. I think you should do at least 45 days..
There’s no guarantee that he will leave his mistress. That’s why you need to have boundaries while he’s still with her and you need to set a time limit on until when you would make an effort rebuilding rapport and attraction if he’s not leaving the other girl
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 2, 2016 at 1:15 am
Hi C,
The hardest people for me to advice are pregnant women because I know you’re emotional, and I don’t want to add on the stress but I have to tell what I really think. So, I’ll say this as soft as I can..
Right now, he’s just relating you to negativity. He’s being nice for his child and incoming baby but as you say, there’s no attraction anymore. To him, you’re this stress source woman who just keeps asking for something that he doesn’t want and keeps contradicting something he has already decided on, which is not going back to you.
So, if you want a chance for him not to think you’re like that, don’t be like that. Live together as two people being friendly and respectful because you’re co parenting. Have your own routine as much as possible. Go to your parent’s house or friend’s if that makes you more happy or relaxed. Go to birthing classes or baby classes, go to a place where you can read quietly or watch a movie. I know it’s hard to do. But realistically, that’s the only better choice you have than look like you’re just there waiting for him to come back to you. It’s not healthy for your baby too.
Anonymous
November 6, 2016 at 8:18 pm
My husband and I was married for 6years, but last Christmas he called me, because he was working overseas and told me that he want to divorce. He confessed that he cheated on me with an other women. I tried to pretend that I am calm but in the inside I was screaming and shouting. Now I saw that he has a new women in his life. I just can’t forget him. I still love him and need him. Unfortunately we had a lot of problems during our marriage. He’s from a wealthy family. And his parents suspected me that I married him because of money. It shocked me and after a lot of negative comments from his family and other people’s I started to believe that I am not the right women for him. It happened almost one year ago but im still suffering. And today I asked him if we have any chance to be a family again. And he told me he want to talk face to face. I don’t know what to do. I feel so guilty because he has a girlfriend but I just cant let him go.
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 7, 2016 at 4:54 pm
Hi Anonymous,
do you have a child together? When are you going to meet? Do you want to try the no contact rule?
Sad girl
October 8, 2016 at 6:40 am
My husband and I have been married for a year and are no longer living together. He left me because we would drink too much together and obviously me being smaller I would fight with him and Be an angry drunk. He asked for space and moved out and we each live in our own apartments. He told me he was tired of the same fights and wants me to work on me. I did and went to therapy for 4 weeks and he came on my 5th week of it and we just fought. He said he’s leaning to divorce and i don’t understand I got sober and then he says how better I am without him but I’m doing it for him and me! He hates me sober or drunk and says he wants 6 months til a divorce or even a chance of “maybe” getting back together. I feel like he just wants a break but it’s been 6 weeks since we’ve lived apart and it’s killing me mentally. Do you think he wants a divorce or just more time to see me better??
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 10, 2016 at 3:20 pm
Hi Sad girl,
why did you fight when he came in the 5th week?
Steph
August 30, 2016 at 7:58 pm
My husband left me back in january. He’s been having a affair with a coworker. I actually find out he was living a double life. Lying to her and me. They were living together as a couple sharing a flat since february.which i didnt know and he told i did. During that time he was saying to me we still have a possibility and could make it throught. Didnt want to talk divorce. He was saying to her i wasnt ready. Now all in the open.
He still say he want to be my best friend that i am his soulmate but its her he want. At the moment because if the lies he has to show her every text and call he get. He is not allowed to text me or call me even so we have a daughter. He is not allowed to leave the room and talk to our daughter or myself in private. He is still lying to her as he send me emails which she doesnt know about.he didnt even tell her we were talking best friend that i am the only one who knows him and support him. But he says he loves her. He also says he care about me that he doesnt want to loose me as his best friend.
So if he loves her why keep emailing me and hidding it?
I love my husband yes i want him baxk which my be stupid. But i can see the man i fell in love within him. We been together 14 years . I was his second wife. He was still is my first husband. The man he is with her is not the man that i knew and know is still inside.
How long can he keep up with no privacy? Showing texts and proving where he is? Can i win him back ? Is there hope still? What can i do? Shall i just let him go?
I dont know why but i got this dreadul feeling that he is making the biggest mistake he has ever made. I am also wondering if because of the problems we had he thinks he is in love with her. He said she make him happy. To which i said untill u r happy within yourself that wont last long because sooner or later what is missing inside you will come back.
Please advice me. I am at lost. I really want him back but is there hope?
Why keep our email secret? Why does he keep lying to her?
This saturday night he came around for half a hour.
I called him asking if he could as i needed to talk to him in private. He didnt want to not even go into another room for us to talk more privatly. I told him that he did wrong by me too and should try to repair some of it. He said if he was to come he will be trouble so i told him fine. Dont bother. The next thing he is there knocking at my door. So we talked. Then i emailed him to said thank you and that him coming show he still cares. That it wasnt just words. For once he acted. When he came to take his daughter out he said the email made him smile.
Now next week the OW is going for a overnight stay at hospital for a small surgery nothing serious. He asked if he could come around for a cuppa. I said yes and then he said lets keep it between us?? I am his wife so why do i feel like the other woman??
He still says he loves her not me. That i am just his best friend and soulmate.
I am still at lost. And yes i want him back but a part of me wonder why he is doing that?? Our “friendship” a secret?? Why surely that shouldnt be a problem? Why if he try to restore some trust in bis new relationship and be open and all is he keeping our emails and us seeing each other, not for long mind u, a secret?
I am just wondering what i can do in the meantime.
Steph
September 4, 2016 at 5:34 pm
Thanks its just confusing as she said to me she got no problem with us being friends. That why i dont understand the secrecy and if really she get moody when i text as she got no reason to as the only one i send are about our daughter. I no she doesnt trust him as she text me the wife to check on him??.. that why all those questions . He just send me a email saying i still mean a lot to him and he never ever forget about me. That he often wonder what i am doing?.. and that he misses our talk. So here the confusion.
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 5, 2016 at 4:47 pm
Yeah, both of them do have that same quality. Saying one thing and then doing another thing. Making you hope and then making it seem that they didn’t really mean what they say by not following through it.
It’s a facade. She doesn’t want to appear as the bad guy because of course, you’re still the mother of his child but her actions show that she’s jealous of you, which is a good thing because if she keeps being like that, he’ll probably get tired later on.
Steph
September 3, 2016 at 7:50 pm
Thanks for your reply. I was wondering if i could play on that to win him back.
I know he doesnt want a fight with ow but that secret will come out and i know she wont like it. Being a father is not a problem i have never ever denied him his daughter. He knows he can see her anytimes. Its just why all this secrecy about our communication? I know that if she find out that will be the end for him so why play with fire?
He is actually doing to her what he was doing to me. So i was wondering if i am reading to much into it. Is there still hope? He is more open to me than he has ever been. I know that he still lie to her not just about me but his family. So yeah j guess i would like to know if there is hope and what should i do
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 4, 2016 at 3:40 pm
Ok, in all honestly. You’re reading too much into it.
Let’s say he still have some love for you but it’s not stronger than what he feels for her. It looks like he is telling the truth. He is keeping it a secret for the plain reason that the girl would be angry.. You’re like friendzoned and maybe another factor is your child too.. he doesnt want you to be angry and then lose his child..but with what you’re saying, it looks like he’s not thinking about that because you allow him to see your child.. It’s more like he’s just sees you as his old time friend because of the memories you shared.
It would be a different situation if the girl wouldnt be angry and then he’s keeping your relationship a secret and telling you he loves you too..
I do think there is little hope but you have to be strong because I think in order to get him back, you have to stop being his friend and start focusing more on yourself. And you have to stop thinking that he still loves you too. Basically, you’re going to attract him back by being distant and improving yourself. You have to raise your value in his eyes, he has to see that you’re better than the other girl..
You need to read this articles too for that:
The Grass is Greener Syndrome For Ex Boyfriends
The Ungettable Girl
EBR Team Member: Amor
August 31, 2016 at 2:19 pm
HI Steph,
he’s keeping it a secret because he doesn’t want his girlfriend to be angry.. He doesn’t want to cause a fight.. Just like he said, you’re like his best friend and he is still the father of your child. Of course he still wanted to be involved in that.
Allison Ramirez
August 28, 2016 at 4:45 pm
I’ve been separated from my ex-husband for almost two and a half years. I get a little confused on which advice I should take since it’s been so long since our divorce. Over the past two and a half years we talked a little bit but it’s always regarding our daughter. He just recently broke up from A 2 year relationship with somebody. We flirted a little bit with each other back and forth through text messaging but when I try to talk to him as a friend he doesn’t seem to respond. I don’t need him back but I’d like to have him back. So I guess my question is what method should I use since it’s been so long?
Allison Ramirez
September 6, 2016 at 8:02 pm
You recommended reading how to get him back after being separated for a year or more. Which I did but when it gets to the bottom of it it says to continue on the next page and it won’t take me to it is there something I’m doing wrong? If you could please help cuz it was getting to the good part about how I ask him out again. Thanks
Allison Ramirez
September 3, 2016 at 8:22 pm
We have actually been flirting back and forth with eachother for the past month ever since he broke up with his last relationship. I’m giving him space and I haven’t told him I still love him and want him back yet because I’m scared that it might scare him away. I’ve changed my looks I’ve changed who I am as a person I’m very happy and very content with being by myself I join the gym I found a hobby that have been keeping me busy and I’m truly happy with my life. So if we get back together fantastic if we don’t I’m fine I just know that he’s the one that’s my true love. I’ve dated a few people since we separated. I just need to know you know kind of what method to use with him since everything in the book or the website is more geared towards people who have recently separated and we’ve been apart for over two and a half years
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 4, 2016 at 8:21 pm
ok that’s very, very good! We actually have an article for that.
The Guide To Getting Him Back After A Year (Or More) Apart
Read it because it’s more elaborate.
My short answer is, you have to build rapport and attraction but you can’t be too available. You have to keep improving yourself and going out with others. You have to give space to create mystery while you’re improving yourself so that you can create desire.
Allison Ramirez
September 3, 2016 at 8:15 pm
We actually have been talking and flirting back and forth for a few weeks now. Ever since he got out of his last relationship. I’ve changed a lot. I realize the mistakes that we both made I’ve taken time to work out and make myself better. And I’m at the point where if we don’t get back together I’m fine with that and I’ve also dated other people in the past two years. But we do have a daughter together and I would like to try again I just don’t know what steps I should be taking as the book and website is geared more towards people who recently separated
EBR Team Member: Amor
August 30, 2016 at 5:47 pm
Hi Allison,
you said when you try to talk to him as a friend, he doesn’t respond. Is that when you talk to him in person? Does he know you want him back? How much have you changed since the break up?
Tina
August 27, 2016 at 1:08 am
Hi, I’m currently separated from my husband. Our relationship has lasted approx 15yrs. Married for 5 yrs and apart for 2 yrs.
He says he doesn’t love me anymore and says a divorce would be for the best. He also says there is no way back for us. I believe he is in another relationship. But, I rent a house from him and he pays the mortgage. We are due to meet on Wednesday 31st August. I’m really nrevous about messing it up, not sure what to wear etc.
Basically we drifted apart and didn’t communicate. I ended up cheating. I am very sorry for what I did and don’t want to lose him. He made me sell our joint house so he could buy a new one. I’d love another chance but am also unsure. He would like to sell the house I’m living but that will make me homeless, so we meeting to discuss this issue and also I have other questions.
Do I bring up what happened, how sorry I am and can we try again? So confused. Uusally he refuses to see me or speak to me so this is a huge thing for me.
Any advice would be great
Tina
September 1, 2016 at 6:35 pm
Hi Amor, I did meet my husband. It wasn’t too bad in the end. He has agreed I can stay in the house for at least a year, but hopefully longer. We spoke about work and the possibility of it becoming permanent! Generally I tried to keep thinking it was a work meeting, so my emotions wouldn’t come through. This did help greatly. I wore a nice dress, but he didn’t comment on this, but that’s fine. Later on I thanked him and asked if we could be friends. He says there is no chance for us anymore and that he’s moved. He hopes I will too soon. I don’t wan to give up hope, but realistically is there any point in continuing to hope and fight for him?? I’m ready to give up and become a hermit!
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 2, 2016 at 1:06 pm
hahaha! don’t become a hermit! Be great, better than who you are before..
It may take time, but from what you said, he thought you’re going to use friendship to get him back, so that means, he really has to think you have moved on for you to get that restart..
Tina
August 30, 2016 at 10:04 pm
HI Amor, Yes it will be two years this Novenber that we separated. We did meet a few times until July last year. It only really started to get really bad between us probably a year ago. Communication between became non existent and when it did happen it was awkward. I do have a job, but it’s currently seasonal and so saving is a nightmare. I’m trying to run a two person household by myself. Hopefully my job may become permanent next spring.
When we meet, I would really like to show him what he’s missing.Whilst aiming to be a strong person that can cope but unforgettable at the same time. I will be making an effort with my appearance too. I’ll let you know what happens!
EBR Team Member: Amor
August 30, 2016 at 11:22 am
Hi Tina,
you said you were apart for two years? SO, you broke up two years ago? Just look your best, and don’t bring up the issue for now.. Do you have a job? Basically, if you have one, ask him to just let you save up so, you can move later on.
Sad Wife
June 24, 2016 at 5:51 pm
2 months ago I told my husband I wanted a divorce when really I just wanted us to work on the relationship (stupid I know). He replied that he wants a divorce too and he is serious. He has stopped coming home, won’t reply to my texts/emails, etc. We have children together and I still love him. He is planning to move out soon – how do I fix this, I am devastated!
Sharla
June 21, 2016 at 3:31 pm
I have known my SO for 14 years. We dated and agreed for me to quit working and move to another state to be with him. We have no kids together. I sold my home, quit my job, moved from family, friends, etc. Once I got there, he became distant and uncommunicative. Said I was lazy no working, so got a job, then we was upset I did. I told him weekly, over 7 months, that I felt lonely, excluded, etc. His response was “Get over it. That’s just who I am. If there’s a problem, I’ll tell you. You’re too sensitive.” I explained going weeks without talking was unacceptable and I wouldn’t ‘over it’. He ignored me. One morning, I found a NOTE telling me he was done, wanted to be single, we had no respect for each other and I had 48 hours to move out. I asked to stay so I could get money together, we could try therapy, etc. and he said no, so I hired a mover and was gone within the 48 hour timeframe back home and am staying with my daughter. He is a recovering addict, however, does drink 4-5+ cases of beer/mo. to “relax” he says. One week later, he regrets what he did (but nothing about being sorry, concern for me, no money to help (charged everything)) and he is miserable and wants me to come back. I told him we need separate therapy before I do that. He says he only wants to go to counseling ‘together’ and is reading self help books to fix himself. I gave it my all for 7 months (talking about my concerns every week) to try and talk/seek therapy, etc. with no progress. I would like to work things out but I don’t want to feel worthless anymore. BTW, we are 7 hours apart so driving to weekly therapy is out of the question for me (besides no $ to get there). I don’t know what to do now………….hurt, confused, want to work things out!
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 21, 2016 at 10:33 pm
Hi Sharla,
For me you shouldn’t go back with him until he hasn’t fixed himself.
Terri
June 20, 2016 at 12:21 am
I divorced my ex husband 10 years ago. We had been together for 12 years at that point and we have know each other for a total of 26 years at this point. When we split our son was 8 and my ex had cheated on me. I thought he had cheated on me several times throughout our relationship but never had proof until the time when we split. So we spent the last ten years running the gamut of things that divorced people do. We never hooked up, ever, hated each other, fought, ignored one another, had minimal contact, fought some more. He has been in a relationship for about seven years now and I was in a relationship and then married. My current marriage didn’t work and we are currently going through a divorce. My son’s dad and I had developed a friendship over the last two years and it only made sense that I would lean on him. So six months go by and we continued having daily contact. We live 600 miles apart and two months ago he was away on a business trip and I met him there. I was great and yes we were intimate. I know I know, wrong move but I needed that. So since we have talked nearly daily, following some of the steps described in this article and most recently we met again and had a great few days. My questions are a bit different probably because I am not certain that I want him back or if it is just the companionship that makes me feel good. He is safe and makes me feel safe. Ok, so where do I go from here?
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 22, 2016 at 4:48 am
Hi Terri,
I think the more important question is how he’s marriage is doing? does it look like he’s going to live her for you?
judy
June 18, 2016 at 1:35 am
My husband and i have been together for 20 yrs, and separated but still living under the same roof as he went to thailand for a while and then had nowhere to go when he came back to australia he has had many affairs with thai bar girls and now says he is love with one and they chat and call each other all the time.He says he doesnt love me the same as he use to but still gets into my bed when he is lonely but tells his bar girl friend that we arent together and he loves her.I still love him and want us to be together.But while he and this other girl are talking all the time I feel like I am wasting my time.What to do
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 18, 2016 at 11:47 pm
Hi Judy,
do limited contact and stop sleeping with him.. and then follow Chris’ advice above
Need some help
June 4, 2016 at 1:57 am
I some help, we have been married for 12 years and together for 15 years. We had our children young. He is 37 and I am 32 now and our two children are teenagers. He left out of the blue one day, I felt like something was wrong but it never crossed my mind he was leaving. He said he wasn’t in love with me anymore and there was no spark. He had been cheating for two years and said it was time to move on. He started dating immediately after leaving. He’s been gone for 3 1/2 months. One month after he left he started seriously dating someone, all of his friends and family think he is nuts and this woman is not attractive compared to me at all. I did the no contact only for a week, he didn’t reach out, barely returns my text messages and is set he wants a divorce. He even changed times and the length of time he is with his children for her by shorting it. He use to hang out and play games with all four of us, now he leaves and goes somewhere with the kids so he doesn’t have to see me. He doesn’t ask how I am doing or anything, completely detached. The first two months we argued a lot and then I thought this is my new relationship with him and would want to love someone who is negative and angry. I really let it all the bad things go and truly give him. I lost weight, did some amazing things and have more exciting things coming up. I have changed dramatically. Even the kids on their own asked him to work it out with me. He is a wonderful man, just made some really stupid choices and he regrets how he did it. I can see the good parts of him peeking out here and there. I don’t want the old marriage, I want the new positive marriage that I know we can have. I truly feel like we are meant to be. I am just not sure how to get him away from the person so he can concentrate on me or I grab his attention more than she does. I don’t get it and neither does his friends or family, all of them said this is crazy. He won’t listen and I have stopped trying to talk him into coming home and just have surface conversation. We already had several conversations on why he left. I did some soul searching and figured out my own issues and changed them. Can u help me at the stage I am now to regain his interest in me?
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 13, 2016 at 10:58 am
Hi Need some help,
you have to stop wanting for his attention first and asking for his time.. coz the more you do it, the more it won’t happen.. it’s good that you have improved yourself, maintain that and then truly detach from him.. have your own routine with the kids, have your own routine that really makes it like he’s not gping back in your life as a husband.. learn new things and excel in them. when you’ve established a new life without him, then it’s safe to start over as friends with him again.. this is not going to take just one month..so take your time
Steph
May 29, 2016 at 4:16 pm
Hi.
Well my husband and I separated back in January. During that time he was sure he wanted the single life, then did a u turn and said he wanted a us till the end, stronger and better and that he still got strong feelings for me. He agreed to book a family holiday and we talk about taking things slowly and reconnect and he was talking about moving back when his tenancy contract finishing in August. Today he did another u turn. Saying he doesn’t want that. He really want the single life and doesn’t think the holidays will happen and certainly not the moving back. Please what do I make of that and what do I need to do? And what about those u turn I don’t understand.
Thanks
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 31, 2016 at 7:52 am
Hi Steph,
how long have you been together? Is that the only reason he wanted to separate? Do you always fight? Start no contact now stick to it.
Vera
May 27, 2016 at 5:59 pm
So I’m really new to this….. my husband told me 2 weeks ago that he wanted a separation. We have been married for 5 years, and have 2 young children together (ages 5 & 2). I took the kids with me and am currently staying at my mother’s house. My husband lives in our marital home- but I don’t want you focus on that part. For the first few days, we seemed to have been talking more, and more openly with each other, but now after 2 weeks of me being gone, we barely talk at all, and he only sees the kids at his convenience. He seems to be really taking a liking to his new found “freedom”. I can’t stay at my mothers for much longer due to age restrictions in her community- and I don’t want to force myself back into our marital home. I also cannot afford to rent an apartment on my own, as I do not make enough money to support myself and 2 kids. I am trying to give my husband the space he’s requested, but I am at a loss of what to do as the next step…. I have nowhere else to go.
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 30, 2016 at 6:50 am
Hi Vera,
you have to talk to him sincerely that you and the kids need to go back him because you have nowhere to go but he has nothing to worry about because you will respect his needed space… and then start limited contact.. sleep in a different room, be civil with him and start havun a new routine and new things to do.. be out as much as you can
Blindsided
May 20, 2016 at 10:01 am
My husband of 13 years cheated and I found out, he says he is happier now but regrets how he went about things (he now has a long distance relationship with the person who lives in another country) he went on holiday with her saying he just needed space and to stay at his mums but I found out the truth while he was out there. He insists he has been happier since he left and doesn’t want to work things out. The problem is we work together and he says he wants to continue working with me and stay friends as long as it isn’t awkward for me and I can’t leave work because it’s my family’s business and my job makes me very happy! I can’t implement the no contact rule at all with this situation and I’m wondering if things are doomed. He says he loves me but has been unhappy so he had to break things up. I have been working on myself, lost weight, becoming independent so I am feeling good about me but I still feel deep down I want to forgive & want him back but as a whole new relationship after some healing time. How should I go about it without NC? It has been 3 weeks since he left. Thank you for any advice
Blindsided
May 21, 2016 at 2:10 pm
He is 34 and I am 30, unfortunately there is no other building to move to and he runs our IT department so he and I are just across a partition but he could be planning to move to her, I’m not getting any hints that he’s in a rush to do so but I think he has been considering it, I do know they message each other constantly at the moment. He has shut down all affectionate gestures & trying to keep me at arms length even seems cold but he has been friendly, talks about things with me like we are old friends and it hurts. I will implement the limited contact as much as possible because he has asked to stay friends and i don’t know if that is a good angle to work on getting back together. If not a good idea, I can shut down all contact outside of work to see if that helps. Thank you for your help, I truly appreciate it.
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 26, 2016 at 5:38 am
Just a reminder,
limited contact is not used to stay as friends, you’re right that it is the kind of no contact that you would ise..but you still can’t initiate a conversation.. just talk when necessary.. no small talk, and answer politely direct if he initiates but don’t be engaging 🙂
Jennifer Seiter
May 21, 2016 at 2:22 am
How old is he? It could be a possible mid-life crisis. Does he have plans to move to her? Or does she plan to move to him? Otherwise that relationship will probably not work out anyway and he will most likely come crawling back if you play your cards right. Since your family owns the business he is working at, can you get him moved to a different department or keep him at a distance?
Your going to have to do limited NC but the most effective way is NC. https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/the-no-contact-rule/