Today we’re going to explore the four core reasons for why men always seem to come back months (or sometimes years) later.
In this in depth guide you’re going to learn,
- Why Avoidant Nostalgic Reverie Is A Thing
- The Importance Of The Grass Is Greener Syndrome
- Why The Ungettable Factor Is Something You Need To Explore
- The Sphere Of Influence And It’s Impact
So, if you’re ready to go “all in” on understanding why men always seem to come back this is the guide for you.
Core Reason #1: Avoidant Nostalgic Reverie
One of the big buzz words you’ll hear around here is attachment styles.
And if you’ve watched any of my more recent YouTube videos you’ll definitely notice that I focus a lot of time on how to deal with avoidant exes.
Our research has found that most of our clients tend to exhibit anxious behaviors while their exes exhibit avoidant behaviors.
Thus, understanding how an avoidant operates will give us key insight into why they come back.
Here’s the thing you need to understand about people with avoidant tendencies.
They don’t begin to have nostalgia until they feel like you have moved on from them. Once they believe this is the case they allow themselves to have nostalgia on your past relationship. It’s usually during this nostalgia stage that you see them wanting to “re-explore” things.
This helps explain why the phenomenon of men coming back “months” later occurs. Usually only after months go by do they get to that point that they believe you’re over them and BOOM that’s when they start allowing themselves permission to miss you.
Let’s move on and talk about our next reason.
Core Reason #2: The Grass Wasn’t So Green On The Other Side
Every breakup in a weird way is an admission that one party thinks they can do better than another party.
In essence, it’s the grass is greener at play.
Usually one of three things will happen in these cases.
- Your ex will find that the grass is greener on the other side
- Your ex will find that the grass isn’t so green on the other side
- Your ex will not be able to find anyone that is willing to date him
Of course, a fourth possibility exists.
One in which your ex moves on to someone else, thinks that the new person is better than you only to find out that over time they long for you more than for the new person.
Generally what happens in cases where the grass wasn’t so green on the other side is they will slowly begin to rekindle things with you.
Probably the easiest way to tell if you are experiencing this phenomenon is to pay attention to if your ex is dating anyone while they reach out to you. Ironically we find that most men won’t break up with their current girlfriend and then explore getting back together with you. They don’t want to be left out in the cold so they’ll still continue to date their current person while setting you up as an option.
Let’s move on.
Core Reason #3: The Ungettable Factor
When researching for this article I started by looking through our private facebook support group at all the exes coming back. Ironically the first post I stumbled across was one of our clients say,
“Why do all the wrong exes come back?”
Perhaps what sets us apart from most breakup businesses is that we really try to focus on helping you re-balance your life after a breakup. During that process there’s always a north star we point you towards and that north star is “the ungettable girl.””
So, what is the ungettable girl?
Simply put it’s a woman who seemingly can attract men with ease simply by reaching her maximum potential in all areas of life. She’s confident, smart, playful, sexy and doesn’t wait around for men, rather they wait around for her.
A symptom of being ungettable is that often men will start reaching out to you wanting to rekindle things.
In fact, one of my all time favorite stories occurred when I first began noticing this phenomenon. I had just started my podcast and took a listener question from a woman named Natalie.
Her question was actually very simple.
Does having your own life actually help you get your ex back?
A little context.
Natalie tried desperately to get her ex back after a breakup and failed. So, she did what all normal people do after a breakup. She moved on with her life. She started focusing on the areas that maybe she neglected.
She started a business.
Started having success with that business.
Went on dates with other men which lead to her feeling very confident.
And it’s at the precipice of that point that her ex suddenly reaches out and wants to try again.
Throughout the years we have seen the phenomenon occur time and time again. While psychologically we can easily point to that avoidant nostalgia factor I mentioned above I think it also has to do with the ungettable concept.
What we see happens is that naturally when you start hitting that ungettable aura men are just naturally drawn to you.
Core Reason #4: The Sphere Of Influence Factor
The sphere of influence is a concept that we came up with after noticing the impact other people have on relationship decisions.
Sphere Of Influence: The people your ex surrounds himself with whose opinions matter to him.
There are different levels to the sphere of influence. For example, someone who is a distant acquaintance isn’t going to make that much of a dent on your relationship decisions. However, someone who is a close friend or family member can.
Imagine for a moment that you enter into a relationship and your guy mentions that he has this really close knit group of friends. Eventually he introduces you to the friends and everyone gets along.
There is harmony.
But as time wears on you and your guy begin wearing on each other and an eventual breakup occurs. After more time wears on your exes friends catch wind of the breakup and everyone has an opinion.
There are really only three ways the friends can react.
- Positively (I’m so glad you broke up with her.)
- Neutrally (Eh, you do you dude)
- Negatively (What is wrong with you? How could you break up with her?)
Believe it or not but the people who your ex surrounds himself with can have a huge impact on their decision to come back.
I initially scoffed at the idea but experience has taught me to not be too quick to form an opinion.
Imagine a trusted family member or friend kept telling you that you made a mistake breaking up with your ex. While you’d like to tune it out it will get through.
Peer pressure can be a real thing.
Of course, the sphere of influence concept can be a double edged sword. Your relationship with your exes friends and family can help you or hurt you but we are initially looking at situations where it helps you.
One of the potential reasons a guy can come back is because his sphere of influence pointed out all the ways leaving you was a massive mistake.
In my humble opinion there are only four core reasons for why “men always seem to come back.”
- The first reason deals with nostalgic reverie and we looked at why taking a deep dive into attachment theory can help back this up.
- The second reason deals with the grass is greener syndrome and the shifting nature involved with it. For example, sometimes your ex can immediately move on to someone else and think it’s the greatest decision in the world but time is undefeated and with hindsight the true grass is greener syndrome gets tested. Sometimes if they realize they actually enjoyed their time with you more they can leave that person they are with and want to come back. It’s also important to mention that sometimes an ex will think finding someone new will come easy but if it doesn’t that can be a trigger to come back to someone familiar (AKA; You)
- The third reason is a little more abstract by nature. We really try to push all of our clients to adopt an ungettable mentality. Think of “The UG” mentality as the ultimate girl that all men want but no man can seem to get. At times the work to “become ungettable” will not go unnoticed and can draw an ex back alone.
- The fourth and final reason has to do with the sphere of influence. Very rarely do people talk about this concept but I think it’s a very unvalued one. Your exes SOI can have a direct impact on their decision to take you back or not. If he lives his life with all the people around him constantly telling him what a mistake he made then he can give in to that peer pressure and eventually ask for you back.
Overall, I believe these are the CORE reasons for why men seem to ask for you back. That doesn’t mean there aren’t more. If you think you know another core reason that should be added to the list let me know in the comments below.