By Chris Seiter

Updated on November 17th, 2021

Today we’re going to explore the four core reasons for why men always seem to come back months (or sometimes years) later.

In this in depth guide you’re going to learn,

  1. Why Avoidant Nostalgic Reverie Is A Thing
  2. The Importance Of The Grass Is Greener Syndrome
  3. Why The Ungettable Factor Is Something You Need To Explore
  4. The Sphere Of Influence And It’s Impact

So, if you’re ready to go “all in” on understanding why men always seem to come back this is the guide for you.

Let’s begin.

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Core Reason #1: Avoidant Nostalgic Reverie

One of the big buzz words you’ll hear around here is attachment styles.

And if you’ve watched any of my more recent YouTube videos you’ll definitely notice that I focus a lot of time on how to deal with avoidant exes.


Our research has found that most of our clients tend to exhibit anxious behaviors while their exes exhibit avoidant behaviors.

Thus, understanding how an avoidant operates will give us key insight into why they come back.

Here’s the thing you need to understand about people with avoidant tendencies.

They don’t begin to have nostalgia until they feel like you have moved on from them. Once they believe this is the case they allow themselves to have nostalgia on your past relationship. It’s usually during this nostalgia stage that you see them wanting to “re-explore” things.

This helps explain why the phenomenon of men coming back “months” later occurs. Usually only after months go by do they get to that point that they believe you’re over them and BOOM that’s when they start allowing themselves permission to miss you.

Let’s move on and talk about our next reason.

Core Reason #2: The Grass Wasn’t So Green On The Other Side

Every breakup in a weird way is an admission that one party thinks they can do better than another party.

In essence, it’s the grass is greener at play.

Usually one of three things will happen in these cases.

  1. Your ex will find that the grass is greener on the other side
  2. Your ex will find that the grass isn’t so green on the other side
  3. Your ex will not be able to find anyone that is willing to date him

Of course, a fourth possibility exists.

One in which your ex moves on to someone else, thinks that the new person is better than you only to find out that over time they long for you more than for the new person.

Generally what happens in cases where the grass wasn’t so green on the other side is they will slowly begin to rekindle things with you.

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Probably the easiest way to tell if you are experiencing this phenomenon is to pay attention to if your ex is dating anyone while they reach out to you. Ironically we find that most men won’t break up with their current girlfriend and then explore getting back together with you. They don’t want to be left out in the cold so they’ll still continue to date their current person while setting you up as an option.

Let’s move on.

Core Reason #3: The Ungettable Factor

When researching for this article I started by looking through our private facebook support group at all the exes coming back. Ironically the first post I stumbled across was one of our clients say,

“Why do all the wrong exes come back?”

Perhaps what sets us apart from most breakup businesses is that we really try to focus on helping you re-balance your life after a breakup. During that process there’s always a north star we point you towards and that north star is “the ungettable girl.”

So, what is the ungettable girl?

Simply put it’s a woman who seemingly can attract men with ease simply by reaching her maximum potential in all areas of life. She’s confident, smart, playful, sexy and doesn’t wait around for men, rather they wait around for her.

A symptom of being ungettable is that often men will start reaching out to you wanting to rekindle things.

In fact, one of my all time favorite stories occurred when I first began noticing this phenomenon. I had just started my podcast and took a listener question from a woman named Natalie.

Her question was actually very simple.

Does having your own life actually help you get your ex back?

A little context.

Natalie tried desperately to get her ex back after a breakup and failed. So, she did what all normal people do after a breakup. She moved on with her life. She started focusing on the areas that maybe she neglected.

She started a business.

Started having success with that business.

Went on dates with other men which lead to her feeling very confident.

And it’s at the precipice of that point that her ex suddenly reaches out and wants to try again.

Throughout the years we have seen the phenomenon occur time and time again. While psychologically we can easily point to that avoidant nostalgia factor I mentioned above I think it also has to do with the ungettable concept.

What we see happens is that naturally when you start hitting that ungettable aura men are just naturally drawn to you.

Core Reason #4: The Sphere Of Influence Factor

The sphere of influence is a concept that we came up with after noticing the impact other people have on relationship decisions.

Sphere Of Influence: The people your ex surrounds himself with whose opinions matter to him.

There are different levels to the sphere of influence. For example, someone who is a distant acquaintance isn’t going to make that much of a dent on your relationship decisions. However, someone who is a close friend or family member can.

Imagine for a moment that you enter into a relationship and your guy mentions that he has this really close knit group of friends. Eventually he introduces you to the friends and everyone gets along.

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There is harmony.

But as time wears on you and your guy begin wearing on each other and an eventual breakup occurs. After more time wears on your exes friends catch wind of the breakup and everyone has an opinion.

There are really only three ways the friends can react.

  1. Positively (I’m so glad you broke up with her.)
  2. Neutrally (Eh, you do you dude)
  3. Negatively (What is wrong with you? How could you break up with her?)

Believe it or not but the people who your ex surrounds himself with can have a huge impact on their decision to come back.

I initially scoffed at the idea but experience has taught me to not be too quick to form an opinion.

Imagine a trusted family member or friend kept telling you that you made a mistake breaking up with your ex. While you’d like to tune it out it will get through.

Peer pressure can be a real thing.

Of course, the sphere of influence concept can be a double edged sword. Your relationship with your exes friends and family can help you or hurt you but we are initially looking at situations where it helps you.

One of the potential reasons a guy can come back is because his sphere of influence pointed out all the ways leaving you was a massive mistake.


In my humble opinion there are only four core reasons for why “men always seem to come back.”

  1. The first reason deals with nostalgic reverie and we looked at why taking a deep dive into attachment theory can help back this up.
  2. The second reason deals with the grass is greener syndrome and the shifting nature involved with it. For example, sometimes your ex can immediately move on to someone else and think it’s the greatest decision in the world but time is undefeated and with hindsight the true grass is greener syndrome gets tested. Sometimes if they realize they actually enjoyed their time with you more they can leave that person they are with and want to come back. It’s also important to mention that sometimes an ex will think finding someone new will come easy but if it doesn’t that can be a trigger to come back to someone familiar (AKA; You)
  3. The third reason is a little more abstract by nature. We really try to push all of our clients to adopt an ungettable mentality. Think of “The UG” mentality as the ultimate girl that all men want but no man can seem to get. At times the work to “become ungettable” will not go unnoticed and can draw an ex back alone.
  4. The fourth and final reason has to do with the sphere of influence. Very rarely do people talk about this concept but I think it’s a very unvalued one. Your exes SOI can have a direct impact on their decision to take you back or not. If he lives his life with all the people around him constantly telling him what a mistake he made then he can give in to that peer pressure and eventually ask for you back.

Overall, I believe these are the CORE reasons for why men seem to ask for you back. That doesn’t mean there aren’t more. If you think you know another core reason that should be added to the list let me know in the comments below.

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5 thoughts on “Why Men Come Back Months Later”

  1. Stephanie

    December 27, 2021 at 1:55 pm

    My ex and I moved in together after 8 months. He broke up with me a little more than a month ago and moved out the next day to give us space. I was sort of expecting that to happen because we had been having a lot of conflicts in the last few months about the future (getting married, moving abroad), lots of arguing, spending too much time together because of the pandemic… he told me the relationship had fizzled, he felt smothered, we were too different and he hadn’t been single for a long time and didn’t know who he really was. he came over to the flay yo speak about what to do moving forward (regarding our flat) a week later and I acknowledged all the things I didn’t do right and apologised for being too dependent on him and not taking care of myself and that I would be keen to try to fix things. He said he’d think about it but four days later he said that he still thought it was best for us to separate and also started talking about collecting his stuff and logistics as we both will have to move out of the flat. That message was nearly three weeks ago and apart from logistics where he’s reached out to me, we haven’t spoken anymore about the relationship and we will have to speak about the flat and selling common belongings in January. I just don’t really know what else I can do at this stage. Since that meeting in person I haven’t said another word about us, and I’m not sure if I can fix this when I’ve already “pleaded” to give it another try. I don’t think he’ll reach out to me until mid Jan so I’m not expecting to be in touch with him until then. I can’t imagine how I can rekindle this as he seems very decided and is a very stubborn person who never regrets decisions.

  2. Girl who needs advice

    November 25, 2021 at 4:51 pm


    I have been reading a lot of articles on your website about no contact and what to do after a breakup. I need some advice. My ex-boyfriend and I recently broke up a week ago. This is our second time. Three months into the relationship we had a heat conversation that ended our relationship. The breakup was based on miscommunication and moving too fast. I said “do you want to break up?” and he said “yes.” 24 hours later we reconnected and got back together. It was a very short-lived break. Then we go on to have a beautiful and loving relationship for 8 months. He took me on trips, loved me, confided in me, we were happy. Unfortunately, two weeks ago we had the same argument of me wanting to be with him all the time and he felt trapped. I think he might have avoidant tendencies. Mixed with my anxious attachment style, I became needy/clingy. After a phone call that I thought went well, two days later he broke up with in person. He said that he felt like he could not meet my standards or make me happy. It was taking a toll on his mental health by being “spread too thin.” He also has issues with his family that are going on. I think it was just too much. I cried, begged him back, and it didn’t work. He did not want to give the key back to my house. I have no idea why. But two days after the break-up I went to his house and got it back after trying to fix the relationship again. He told me he has one foot in the door (that he loves me still) and the other out. (He is exhausted.) I felt hurt and sad so I gave him back all his stuff and relationship momentos. I then got my key back. I also found out while talking to him by a girl messaging me that she saw him on tinder. Not even 4 days after or breakup he was on tinder? I am still hurt and sad, but I know our relationship is worth saving. He still watches all my instagram stories and follows me. I have started the No contact rule, and I am on day 5. After he broke up with me I took the next flight out to go visit family. He sees that I am out and about. What do I do? Is there a chance of us getting back together?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 27, 2021 at 11:53 am

      Hey there, so you are doing the right thing with your No Contact right now. And showing you are living life too. However, you mentioned that you wanted to be with him all the time – this is not a healthy relationship and would cause problems in itself. You need to be a secure attachment so that you are happier in a relationship even if you have to go days without seeing your other half. It also brings a more secure style to your partner. It does sound as if he is slightly avoidant, but wanting to spend every moment together is a lot or anyone.

  3. Nicole

    November 24, 2021 at 1:34 pm

    My ex called me up after just over a month of no contact and told me he loves me and wanted to come home, asked if I would take him back and told me he would call me the next day. Then he told his sponsor (who told him he needs to run everything by him) and his sponsor told him he should leave me alone so he told me the next day he isn’t coming back, that being where he is with the men around him is where he needs to be, despite his family caring for me, these people and sponsor he has known for just over a month have influence over him. Even though he was sober the whole while when with me. I’m a good woman, no drug or alcohol use, state licensed professional in my field, homeowner, mother of two successful kids.

    Him doing that is like me reliving the breakup all over again. I’m devastated. So I asked him to not contact me again that I need to let go.

    I know for a fact I’m the best woman he was with. It’s just not enough.

  4. Lilly

    November 9, 2021 at 3:34 am

    My ex and I had an on and off relationship for 6 months. Very different communication and attachment styles: he’s avoidant, I’m anxious. I followed the no contact rule for 21 days, on the 21st day we went to a mutual friends birthday and had sex (big oops). We texted a bit over the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I invited him to a hockey game. He seemed happy and relaxed at the game. He suggested we go back to my apartment afterwards. We watched Netflix and made out. I went to the bathroom and when I got back he was in the hallway at the elevator. I asked him what was wrong and he said he had to leave to call his brother—which felt off since he never said goodbye and snuck out. I called to gain clarity and he blocked me. Wondering if it’s possible that he will come back and what I should do in the mean time. I already tried the no contact rule and I’m not sure it had any effect on him.