Several years ago, I went through a breakup. Honestly, it was the worst one I have ever been through. Although, I remember clearly thinking that it was almost a relief to be done with that relationship.
We weren’t compatible. We wanted different things out of life. It was for the best, really.
So, imagine my shock a few weeks later to find myself deeply missing my ex.
Why was this happening?
I surely didn’t miss him at first. And I had already decided that us splitting up was for the best.
Perhaps you are dealing with a similar predicament.
- You are missing your ex
- You are wondering WHY you are missing your ex
- You are trying to figure out what to do about missing your ex
Well, guess what we are going to talk about today?
If you guessed “why you are missing your ex and what to do about it,” then you would be correct.
Why We Miss An Ex
It is completely normal to miss your ex after a breakup. In fact, I can say with the utmost certainty that everyone misses their ex at least a little after a breakup, even if they know it was necessary. Although, not everyone is probably willing to admit this.
If you found your way to this article, you’re probably looking for more than “It is totally normal” and that is good because I am about to hook you up.
Today, we are going to cover why we miss our exes and go over specific circumstances and tell you what to do in each case.
By the time you are done reading, I hope you feel a little better about suddenly missing your ex.
Okay, Okay. So, why in the world do you actually miss your ex?
Well, there are two reasons… science… and not science.
Let’s talk about science first.
When you are around someone for a prolonged period of time, your body produces certain hormones.
These hormones paired with neurotransmitters form what we know as emotions and attachments.
If you want to get really scientific, the specific hormones and neurotransmitters that are most related to romantic connections are oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine. Then there is always estrogen in women and testosterone in men.
Here is the thing though, we all produce these hormones naturally. Then, when you are romantic with someone, these chemicals increase. Your body, and specifically your brain, become used to functioning with a high level of these chemicals.
Now that you are broken up, your body is quite literally withdrawals from your ex as it stops producing these high levels of chemicals.
This “crash” is what contributes to those strong feelings of missing someone.
The… Not Science
Now, if my super-scientific explanation above didn’t do it for you, let’s talk about the “non-scientific” reason why you miss someone.
Generally, you miss someone because you got used to having them around.
Yeah, that one is kind of a no-brainer.
Which is good for us, because isn’t it likely that most of the time you are missing your ex you can get a bit hung up thinking about him?
I mean, how much time are you spending thinking about him and what he might be doing, thinking, or feeling?
Let’s say there is a piece of art in your house and over time, you have grown less fond of that art. You once loved it, but you are starting to maybe think that something else might go better in its place.
One day, you remove it.
At first, you leave the space open. Then you try and fill it with other artistic pieces.
No matter what you will remember how well you thought that piece of art fit in that room when you got it. Occasionally you will wonder if removing it was the right thing to do. You may even consider busting it out of storage to see if you really did like it better than you thought.
Missing your ex is like walking past that empty space and thinking about the art that used to be there… then walking past it again… and then again.
Okay, now that you know the WHY of missing your ex… let’s talk about some of the specific circumstances you might be facing and how to deal with them. We’ll skip the basic, “we broke up and I miss him” scenario since we’ve already covered that in may many other articles.
- Here are the circumstances we are going to cover:
- If You Broke Up With Him
- He Cheated, But You Still Miss Him
- He’s Dating Someone Else But You Still Miss Him
- He Was Abusive, Emotionally or Physically, But You Still Miss Him
If I Broke Up With My Ex, Why Do I Still Miss Him?
So, you broke up with your ex and now are missing him like crazy. You might even want him back.
It’s pretty normal and you can use this to your advantage after a successful No Contact.
During a “successful” No Contact you can take the time to consider your reasons for breaking up with him in the first place.
I mean, did you have really valid, well thought out reason for breaking up with him?
Were these reasons based on “deal breakers?”
Or was the decision merely reactionary and in the heat of the moment and you are now left regretting your actions and decision?
Taking the time to understand why you made that decision will keep you from wasting time trying to get back together with someone you don’t really want to be with.
He Cheated, But I Still Miss Him
You know you have every reason to be ticked off at your ex, but for some reason you find yourself missing him instead. Maybe you are eve mad AND missing him.
The first thing you should do, as always, is No Contact. In this situation, I would definitely go for the long haul, 45 days No Contact. Make sure that you take it very seriously.
During this time, I would encourage you to think carefully about if you want your ex back.
It is up to you to decide whether or not the circumstances of your ex cheating are something that he is going to repeat and something that you can forgive.
According to Carin Goldstein, an LA-based therapist, there is an easy way to know if your ex will cheat again. Essentially, there are two factors that play into whether a cheater will stay faithful after a reconciliation.
- They take responsibility for their actions. (This is usually after plenty of individual AND couples therapy.)
- Acknowledging what caused the breakdown of their relationship and the factors that played into their choice to cheat in the first place.
Without both of these things, it is likely that they will not stay faithful in the relationship moving forward.
Other red flags are:
- If he blames his cheating on anyone other than himself; you, the other woman, or anything really other than himself.
- If he says you need to “just hurry up and get over it.” This generally means that any remorse they show is not genuine.
That second point is really important too. If you think you can forgive the cheating, then that’s great. But a lot of people think that that means they can still lord the mistake over their ex’s head for the rest of the relationship. That won’t be helpful if you want the relationship to last and be healthy. So, you should take the time during No Contact and make sure that you can handle that.
He’s Dating Someone Else, But I Still Miss Him
So, the two of you broke up and your ex moved on, but you are left missing him like crazy. More often than not, a relationship that starts right after another one ends has been thought about for a while or is a rebound that won’t last long.
If you use No Contact to become Ungettable (read more about becoming Ungettable here if you don’t know the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Term) then your ex will start to compare his new girl to you. As long as you are making the effort to be your best self, he will become painfully aware that he has made a mistake. Making it through a successful No Contact and utilizing the Being There Method along with the other methods laid out in the Ex Recovery Program is imperative if you want to get your ex back.
He Was Abusive, But I Still Miss Him
Being in love with an abusive man is often likened to Stockholm Syndrom, however, that would mean that they fall for someone despite being treated badly. In reality, most women in love with an abusive man originally fell in love with a charming man who because abusive over time.
But the real question here is why would a woman stay with a man who is abusive? And how could a woman go back to a man who is abusive? Why are you even considering it?
There are several thought processes that women who stay in, or go back to, an abusive relationship might have.
- What will people think?
- What did I do to cause this?
- Who could ever love me? What if I never find love again?
- I don’t want to be alone, might as well stay with him until someone better comes along.
- He might actually hurt me if I don’t do what he wants. So, if he decides he wants me back, I guess I have to go back to him.
- I’m not the kind of person that gets abused. I can handle this.
- This isn’t really abuse. There are people who have it worse off than me.
Another sign that you might have been in an abusive relationship is the fact that you may have thought about ending the relationship again and again and again, BUT your ex has always found some reason to make you stay.
For example, you have a huge disagreement with your boyfriend. His way of communicating his point by yelling insults and obscenities at you or by getting physical. Yet, every time you consider walking away from the relationship, it’s like he senses it and starts being super sweet or he does something that makes you think that he is sorry and won’t do it again.
And you know what?
He didn’t… until he did.
Then rinse, recycle, and repeat.
Okay. I am going to tell you something you probably already know, but don’t want to hear. And I am only going to say this once.
If you are in this type of relationship, it is only a matter of time until it escalates and you get hurt or you feel so trapped that you will never leave.
I DO NOT under any circumstances suggest that you try to get back together with your ex if you even slightly think that this could be you.
Instead, I suggest that you find a way to come to terms with the idea that the breakup may just be your chance to let go of that situation and to find someone who will treat you with respect. Until you do, it is imperative that you learn to treat yourself with that respect.
This won’t be easy as abusive relationships tend to leave a lasting impression on the way you see yourself and your self-esteem. So, talking to a therapist or doing a program made for women who have escaped an abusive relationship is something that may help you through this time.
I will remind you that abuse isn’t always physical. Emotional abuse is just as likely and just a detrimental to your health. Remember, relationships are meant to be based on love and building each other up. If it doesn’t make your life better and build you up, then it isn’t worth it.
I will suggest you read our articles on becoming Ungettable though. Everyone can benefit from building up their self-worth and that is what that part of our program is all about.
Also, I will leave this resource here, just in case you feel you need to use it. I am not saying that you have to, but I want you to know that it exists.
It takes a great amount of bravery to step outside of an abusive relationship and reclaim your life as your own.
All right. I didn’t mean to get off on a tangent, but I thought it was important that this information be available to those of you that need it. Take it and do with it what you will.
A Quick Recap
There are plenty of other situations in which you might find yourself missing your ex. But, in the long run, what it boils down to is:
Are you better off without the relationship?
How much effort are you willing to dedicate to getting your ex back?
If you determine that getting back with your ex is what is best for you, then you should start with No Contact and Work through the entire Ex Boyfriend Recovery Program.
However, you shouldn’t just choose to get back with your ex just because you miss him for the moment. If it isn’t what’s right for you, then you need to find a way to move forward with your life. I suggest you do that with the Ungettable Girl part of EBR.
Now that you know what makes you miss your ex and several ways to deal with it, let’s talk about your particular situation.
- Tell me about the circumstances surrounding your breakup.
- Tell me what is triggering you in missing your ex.
- Tell me what you have done so far.
Our experts will help you take that information and determine what you need to do moving forward to get you the result that is best for you.