When You Should Stop Trying To Get An Ex Boyfriend Back- Ex Boyfriend Recovery

1,125 thoughts on “When Should You Stop Trying To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back?”

Danielle

February 4, 2017 at 9:18 pm

My boyfriend of 2 years recently broke up with me saying that he wasn’t happy. I’ll start at the beginning. We hung out for a few months about 2 1/2 years ago. After a while he said he didn’t think I was the girl he was going to marry and we broke up, 5 weeks later I found out I was pregnant and we started seeing each other again. While I was pregnant we bonded and had a very passionate intense relationship. He told me how happy he was regularly that god put me in his life and blessed him because he really had no idea what he was doing with his life. A few months in, I had a miscarriage. We were both devistated but he said he loved me and that we would still be together. For the next 2 year we had a few ups and downs but we always decided that it was worth it to work on cause everything happens for a reason and something was telling us we were supposed to be together. His family is very religious and his dad once told him that We either need to get married or break up because we were semi- long distance (about 120 miles) and they didn’t like that I was basically living with him on the weekends. He flat out said well breaking up is not an option, but that was it. Nothing else was ever brought up and I didn’t want to push him into anything. Flash forward to now, he was acting weird for the past 2-3 weeks and I kept asking him if anything was wrong and he kept saying that if anything was wrong he would tell me. So I thought I was just being paranoid. Then he calls me and says the dreaded words ” can we talk”. He says he’s not happy and that he cares for me a lot, like more than I know and that he tried to make it work but he can’t. he sounded teary. All the while I had no idea. I was completely happy. Our 2 year anniversary was last week and he said he feels like he should know if he wants to marry after two years and he’s not sure. I’m the longest relationship he’s ever been in and the second longest is 7 months. I just don’t understand. 3 weeks ago we bought plane tickets to go to his cousins wedding and last week he let me buy a 200 dollar dress for the wedding. I asked him why he let me do that and he said he didn’t know he was going to do this. I’m going tomorrow to pick up my stuff. Is it possible that we could ever get back together?

Danielle

February 7, 2017 at 3:34 pm

Plus, does it mean anything that he hasn’t changed his fb profile picture, relationship status or taken down any pictures of us? It’s only been 5 days but He is a habitual fb user and usually when you tell someone you don’t love them and don’t want to marry them you remove that person from your life. Btw my friends are telling me this, I am not stalking his fb page. I have sworn off fb and Instagram for at least 2 weeks. I’m only 5 days in but I haven’t broke so far! He also still has some stuff of mine that I let his sister borrow. He said he would get them and drive them to my house, 120 miles away.
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 7, 2017 at 10:53 pm

that’s good.. Be very active in improving yourself..there’s a high chance he will check because he will miss you..so, make him regret through your improvements
Danielle

February 7, 2017 at 3:24 pm

The wedding is at the end of March. we talked a little when I went to pick up my things. He said I was hands down the best girlfriend he’s ever had and that I treated him better than anyone he’s ever dated but he said he wanted to find someone to spend the rest of his life with and he doesn’t think that’s me, because he said he feels like he would have already proposed by now. He also told me we couldn’t be friends or hangout cause then that would just lead to casual sex. But then he said that if I ever wanted to talk to Just call him, and that when I move down to where he lives for a job I got in 7 months that if I needed help finding a place or anything that he would definitely help me find a place. I’m so confused. He also said something about a show on Netflix and I said oh yeah I’ll sign up for my own Netflix because we shared and he said you don’t have to, you can use it until you move if you want.
Danielle

February 4, 2017 at 9:19 pm

I am going to get my things from his house tomorrow and then I plan to do NC
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 5, 2017 at 7:33 pm

Hi Danielle,
maybe his parents got to him and his cousin’s wedding got him to think too
when is the wedding?

Juliana

January 24, 2017 at 3:37 am

Hi,

It’s been approx. 1.5 yrs since our breakup. Initially, he would initiate texts every now and then, checking up on me and we would chat for a bit. the past year or so, however, we stopped initiating contact via text messages. On my part, I had decided to take some time to focus on my studies and work, and to concentrate on recovering. Recently though, i felt ready to get back in touch and find out what he’s been up to. While his responses to my texts have always been swift (immediate, too!), at times it felt as though he was replying in a polite way, just answering my questions about his life. Doesn’t seem to be much give and take going on. Was just wondering if I should continue trying to talk to him about things or if I should lay off a little? (on my end, I have not been spam-texting. I’ve been taking my time and not been pushy). I also suspect he might be dating someone else now (came across a photo of them spending Christmas together), and I don’t know if I should take his replies as just something friendly or if there’s some chance for us in future.

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 24, 2017 at 2:08 pm

Hi Juliana,

Oh, if he has a girlfriend, he’s probably just being friendly.. What were the topics you were using?

Sheila

January 17, 2017 at 5:16 pm

Hi
Well i’ve decided to move on from my ex. I’m on no contact but I’ll never contact him. I’ve been hurt and i just want to move on. He’ll never love me the same way or come back.It’s the saddest and most depressing decision but if a guy is meant for you he’ll come back.I want to improve myself and focus on my life.. How can i really forget him completely and soon enough?

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 17, 2017 at 9:04 pm

Hi Sheila,

acknowledge all the feelings that you feel whenever you feel it.. dont deny it.. after you feel it or even while you feel choose to focus on the current activity at hand or the goal that youe want to accomplish

reigina

January 14, 2017 at 8:54 pm

Hi
I am really confused about so much. I have dated my ex boyfriend for 5 months.My ex was really in love with me and everything worked out so well. We have gone through so much and i believed we were meant to be.
I then screwed things up when i cheated on him with his friend . He was deeply hurt with what i did and took a long time before he approached me about it. For all that time he wanted me to confess but nothing like that ever crossed my mind. I never really wanted to lose him and that’s why i was afraid of telling him.I was so desperate to have him back that i texted him like crazy and called him so many times.Most of the time he would be so mad at me and say hurtful things and even not respond to my texts.I really felt guilty and I’ve tried so hard to prove myself to him but it hasn’t worked.
I thought that giving in to his demands and having sex with him would make him come back.I even suggested to him not to have sex with other girls because i was willing to be the only one to give it to him.He agreed and after a while i started feeling something was off about the decision of having sex.I approached him about it and he would give me hopes by telling me I’m the only one he has sex with and if I’m not willing to give it to him, he will go look for someone else.I kept on sleeping with him for three months due to the fear of him getting another girl and still he didn’t concider changing his mind.
He made me a promise a few weeks ago and told me that we can be good friends this year because he is not into dating anyone at the moment but we can date next year.That gave me hopes and i thought I’d be patient. I was too insecure though since he only used to text me when he wants sex. I approached his friend who’s close to him to atleast talk to him so he can decide what he really wants with me.He never responded to his friend though.It was expected since he didn’t like talking to his friends about me but they knew me.He later texted me the day after and he said he wanted us to be good friends.I approached him after we had made an agreement that we would date next year.I wanted him to know how i felt and how hurt i am and i wanted something better and different but he reacted so weirdly about it.He brought up the issue about me approaching his friend after i sent him our (me and his friend )conversation so as to prove a point but he told me that i should go to them and get their option of an ideal guy coz he is fed up.
I was so frustrated because i ruined my chances of having him. I became desperate again and i decided i should let go. It was hard to even forget him because i love him so deeply. He knew i loved him yet he never concidered giving me a chance. I have never tried not contact before but then i decided i should try.
I started off well with the no contact after i read about it. On day three of it he texted and got no reply. He then called the fifth day and i received it. I told him i wanted him to be happy and we didn’t talk much. He then texted me a few days later saying he thinks of me. He even went to the extent of unblocking me. I then had a burning issue and I texted him after a day.
He told me he can’t date me and he’ll never change his mind about that but we can be good friends and it hurt me so deeply. Should i do no contact and maybe he will never love me? I’ve looked at almost every ex boyfriend recovery advice but the only thing I’ve not yet done is no contact for 30 days. I’m willing to complete the one I’m currently in. I started off no contact a fresh but I’m afraid he might not contact me this time round maybe because he has noticed that i am doing it on him. He has an ego but i feel like he has a good side in him. Our last conversation we engaged a bit in sex. He even told me he never cheated on me after we broke up. I know he might have seen me as his fwb but now I’m not sure what to do now. I love him and i want him back so desperately. What should i do? Please help me. Is he worth a chance and should i be patient?

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 15, 2017 at 3:25 pm

Hi Reigina,

Stop being desperate first.. When you’re desperate you will lose self respect..try focusing in building that during and after no contact..Improve yourself and heal and then slowly rebuild rapport after nc.. if he doesn’t change, move on.

Confused

December 29, 2016 at 4:15 am

My ex of 3 years broke up with me in Aug. We were arguing a lot and he said he couldn’t handle it anymore, was stressed out about his own problems, and wasn’t happy with me anymore. I begged and cried and did all the wrong things lol. Despite all that, he continued to talk to me everyday. During this time, he said he still has feelings for me. Then the last week of November, he told me he wanted to work things out and seemed genuine about it. I was so happy he finally agreed and things were going good at first. He was very enthusiastic about working things out and was initiating all texts, texting me good morning/goodnight everyday.

Then he lost his phone 2 weeks later. After he got a new phone (a few days later), he became really distant and not as engaging in the texts anymore. A day or two started to go by without hearing from him at all. He also made plans to hang out but then blew me off. Confused by his changed attitude, I asked him if we were even still working things out anymore. He didn’t give me any real answer and I kinda blew up on him (ugh) mainly cause I was hurt that he blew me off when we made plans. I ended up saying some hurtful things and told him to stop playing games with me and to leave me alone.

He ended up blocking me on social media a couple days later. When I asked him why, he flipped out saying that he’s just done with me. I apologized to him and told him that I said all those hurtful things out of anger and that I understand if we didn’t talk anymore. He replies, ‘I don’t know what I want right now. I’m stressed out.’ I said ok. The following 2 days after that we had a short but good convo. We cracked jokes and laughed. 3rd day I didn’t hear from him. Unfortunately I ended up getting super drunk that day and sent a dumb text asking, ‘can you be honest, is it really over between us?’ He replies with, ‘OMG you just can’t be patient! Just stop asking me ok?’

The next day he texts me in the morning saying, ‘I’m sorry, I wasn’t in a good mood yesterday.’ I just said its ok. the following 3 days he was initiating texts. The convo has been neutral, but it’s very short. Now he hasn’t texted me (and still blocked on social media)

I really feel like I blew it this time and I’m not sure if I have much hope left. What do you think? And what should I do? Please help!

I feel like I should do NC and see how that goes. I wish I found this site sooner 🙁

EBR Team Member: Amor

December 30, 2016 at 9:13 am

Hi Confused,

yeah, try focusing in putting yourself first and improving yourseld through nc

Becky

December 25, 2016 at 11:43 am

i wrote a message but i can’t see it. i dont know if it posted

EBR Team Member: Amor

December 28, 2016 at 1:06 pm

Hi Becky

I see it, I just haven’t reached it yet..

I think you should listen to this:
Do You Have The Same Values As Your Ex? (With Chase Kosterlitz)

Becky

December 24, 2016 at 11:55 am

Hi Chris, Amor and the team,
Firstly i wanted to say thank you for all your articles and efforts. I don’t think people appreciate how much time must go into running this website and helping people out so thank you! I’ve been using this website for over a year now and its really help me a lot!
My ex and I broke up in Nov 2015 and i’ve been trying to win him back ever since. I did mess up at first but then did no contact etc managed to get a date with him but could never get him to commit to anything further. I still felt like he had feelings for me but i couldnt understand why he didnt want a relationship with me. His friends all make jokes about how he’s punching and i always tell him he’s not and that we are equal but that apparently is something thats on his mind. He also smokes weed everyday and here it’s illegal so i have a big issue with it. He gave it up whilst we were together but now he says he felt forced and that it wasnt his own choice. I also think he has a problem as he does it everyday. He also says thats why he doesnt want to be with me and that he would rather find a girl who accepts his smoking habits. I would be more lenient if it was once in a while but everyday isnt ok.
My bday was last month and he came to my party where my friends and family were. He made an effort with them spending £200 that night (he’s not rich so its a lot of money). I asked him the next day if he wanted to work things out. He said he has no feelings for me and that he doesnt see us ever getting back together. He said i was just using you. I find it hard to believe he would spend £200 on a girl he was just using.
I also found out he took a plus 1 to his xmas party at work (this was where i used to work) and the girl he took was a girl that would always message him whilst we were dating syaing how cute he was etc. My old coworker said she thought my ex seemed really happy with this other girl and that he probably likes her now. in my head im worrying he might have liked her whilst we were together. She doesnt seem like just a rebound girl. My old coworker said that my ex is really rude about me when i come up in convo. He refers to me in disrespectful ways. I genuinely don’t know what i’ve done thats so bad. I would never speak about someone in such a low manner. If he hates me just don’t say anything. Apparenly everyone in my old work feels sorry for me they think im a mug wanting to get back with my ex.
I confronted my ex about all this in a polite way saying i just wanted to know. He was rude and said “i dont owe you anything”. I got angry and said he wouldnt find a girl who would wait a year for him and love him as much as i do. He said “yeah my ex before you said the same thing too..” How horrible? Fair enough if he doesnt want to be with me but why does he have to be so rude? It makes me feel invalid and that our relationship was a joke to him. I called him and he has blocked my number. He’s also blocked me on social media too.
I think it’s probably time i just gave up and find another guy. One year is a long time to wait for someone who clearly has no respect for me. I know the way he treats me isnt an indication of my worth but it makes me feel worthless. His friends have said on numerous occasions that im pretty and i have a good job. I’m loyal to him and i try my very best to make him happy. Everytime i see him i would give him something he likes eg food or a small gift from my holiday. Yet he doesn’t even want a friendship with me.
Im going to forget him now because i dont know what else i can do.
Please could you shed some light on why he’s so disrespectful and rude about me? He was never like this when we were friends or when we dated.

EBR Team Member: Amor

December 28, 2016 at 1:07 pm

Hi Becky

I see it, I just haven’t reached it yet..

I think you should listen to this:
Do You Have The Same Values As Your Ex? (With Chase Kosterlitz)

Shannon

December 20, 2016 at 11:04 pm

I’m really in need of advice. I have been with my ex for almost a year. I found out that I was pregnant 4 months after us beganing our relationship that wen we decided to move to our own place and we did three months after the news. Than he had received a new 12hr shift job. And as for me I have to stop working due to the fact that I was placed on bed rest ……and that lead me to being in the house all the time along with hym wanting to do doubles shifts a s well ……I never accused hym of cheating because his sub checks proved that he was at working ….some I had went to a male friend of mine for advice …and that became more than friends for five months while my bf and I was staying together(I felt he understood me more but I wanted to be with my bf,i was lost of comfort) ..my bf knew. Soon I started finding out that the house hold financial reasoning was not being taking care of and I was told that we had to get out , mean while my bf had asked to me to wait until we found a new place to stay. And I did but the new place I never seen. So I ended up going to my mom’s house mean while I began to realize I was in the wrong so I stopped my second hand relationship. while being at my mom’s house from my knowledge we was still together but now it’s been three months sence I’ve been at my mom’s house …we still was sexing texting like we was together he was coming ova and all but now he has started a new relationship a week ago. And he’s telling me he is angry at me and he care about me and the girl but he doesn’t love me no more, also he says he doesn’t want me any more….she gives hym her car and buys his clothes, shoes and she works at the same job as hym ,but different shifts and shes met his family already. I will be giving birth to his son next month and I want hym back …. I need to kno if I should move on ? Should I use the no contact rule? And how long should I use it? and and how do I use the no contact rule if I have his child..???? Please help me I’m sobbing here my feelings are hurt and my hear is heavy

EBR Team Member: Amor

December 23, 2016 at 11:00 am

Hi Shannon,

I think you should follow the advice in this one:
Fix Your Relationship If You Cheated On Your Ex Boyfriend Before Its Too Late (Video)

Shannon

December 20, 2016 at 9:35 pm

I have been with my boyfriend for almost a full year and he was the best of friends ….but after 4 months I got pregnant and we decide to get our own how and he had started a new 12hr shift job 2pm to 2am…mean while as for me I was put on bed rest due to the risk of our child’s like and that basically caused me to have no income and I wasn’t able to really go anywhere shortly I began to feel lost of support from hym because it was like he would work the 12hrs but than he began doing doubles ……causing me to be in the house by myself all the time by my self.. I know he wasn’t cheating because he always brought his sub checks so I never accused hym…but, I started asking an guy friend of mines for edvice….but soon started to start to feel the friend of mines understood me more and gave the support I need with my depression… That’s wen the problem came in with my boyfriend and I began. Because the friend and I got a serious but I was. Still with my boyfriend. Mean while this continued for for 5 months …than I started find out about the financial means of the house hold was not being paid so I was told that we had to leave so I went my mother’s house ..it’s been 3 months sence I’ve been at my mother’s house and from my knowledge my boyfriend and I was still together.. being at my mom’s house helped me realize I was doing wrong to my boyfriend by bring some one else in our relationship so I stopped and now I just found out he has started a new relationship but it’s only been a full we of there relationship….I’ll be giving birth to his son in about a month and I really want my boyfriend back ..I have begged hym and he has told me that he is angry with me and need his space and that he care about this girl and me but he no longer love me. but now I need to some edvice. should I do the no contact rule? how long? Or should I just move on?

EBR Team Member: Amor

December 23, 2016 at 11:00 am

Hi Shannon,

I think you should follow the advice in this one:
Fix Your Relationship If You Cheated On Your Ex Boyfriend Before Its Too Late (Video)

Jone

December 9, 2016 at 12:38 am

Hi, just need your advice with my situation.

My Long distance ex bf broke up with me 1 month ago. Successful with the 30days no contact. After, i tried to initiate a contact using text message. He replied once that he is ok and should not worry about him. Day 2, i message him again maybe he can change his mind about us. But he blocked me right away in social media.

Do i need to continue no contact for another 30 days? Its seems like i ruined my chances. I thought I will be ok after 30days. But when he blocked me again. I feel devastated and old feelings of hurt comes back. What should I do next?

EBR Team Member: Amor

December 12, 2016 at 5:31 pm

Hi Jone,

those were not actually the proper texts to send. And how much did you improve during the no contact rule? Are you still improving now? The texts put you in the chaser position. Check this ones:
EBR 063: When Texting Goes WRONG With Your Ex…
EBR 053: Deconstructing The Perfect First Contact Text Message
The Ungettable Girl

Jillian

December 8, 2016 at 6:37 pm

So I haven’t gotten a reply from my other questions for advice in like 3 days, so Im going to send this in one more time.
My boyfriend and I were together for a year and a half. We were the best of friends, did everything together, told each other everything, we were each others first love. We had our arguments because we are bull headed but he treated me like a princess, and the arguments never lasted. But everything changed when he left for a university and Im staying at a community college for a year. He would go out and party which I didn’t mind, but would ignore my texts a lot, not be as lovey or complimenting, ditched me once when I came to visit, and just overall didn’t put in the effort.
I was extremely unhappy in the place I was at, not wanting to stay home for a year, so bored and unhappy with myself, and he knew it, and I would be too needy and bitch at him for all the shit he was doing, pushing him away more. I didn’t let him experience college like I shludve and if we got back together so much would change for the good.
About two months in after i text him bitching about not answering me, I get a drunk text saying “I think we should take a break”
The next day he call and texts me begging for me back and I ignore him and kiss another guy. The next day I get back with him but when he I tell him I kissed another guy he freaks out and says were over. And then the next day texts me and we text for a week and then I beg for him back and we got back together. After this nothing changed. He still treated me the same way.
Things weren’t going well and we went to a concert and I ended up going to the hospital because I drank too much beforehand. I got more needy because I was freaking out about what happened and he pushed me away more.
A week after that he sends me a text that he needs to be on his own/needs time on his own and he’s been unhappy for a long time. I don’t respond to this text at all for 23 days, implementing the no contact and doing things to make myself happy.
He texts me “hi” on week 2, and I see on spotify that he is listening to sad songs about breakups and missing someone.
I don’t answer, and on day 23, I call him at 4 am and text saying I saw something that reminded me of one of our good memories. He answers back “I miss that”
I continue with the rules for contacting and he answers, in short but not negative phrases, and not right away.
And then I break down. I say “I think I need some closure” he says “I thought we already had closure” and I say “I miss the person I thought was my best friend. I didn’t think it would end this way.” he says “I have always been your best friend.” I call and text back “Can you call?” he says “I can’t Im studying with friends” and I say “How did everything go so wrong? I miss snuggling in bed watching our show eating tortilini” and he says “I don’t know”
He has not changed his social media from in a relationship, his photo is still of me on every social media site and he hasn’t asked for his things back. Why am I the one who is doing all the work when he’s the one who did something wrong? What should I do? I need your help. He comes home for a month in two weeks, do I wait to contact him until then? Or should I just text him a friendly text like nothing happens a week from the day we had our most recent conversation where I say I miss him? Or do I text wishing him luck on his exams on Monday?

EBR Team Member: Amor

December 10, 2016 at 6:27 pm

Hi Jillian,

It’s good that you did the no contact rule but it looks like it was not enough for a restart. You’re the only one making effort because he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore. So, right now, there’s still might be a little thought in him that thinks you’re trying to get him back. He doesn’t really think you’re moving on but you did mention to him that you just missed your best friend. Are you still continually improving yourself? Are you active in posting in social media? Will he think you’re moving on and improving? Will he regret leaving you?

Laura

November 23, 2016 at 2:07 am

My ex and I are on texting terms mostly because I reach out to him. I have suggested a date but he does not want to. Please tell me what should I do??

Laura

December 7, 2016 at 2:28 pm

I think I have ruined my chances. I tried the no contact rule as you said but I reached out to him and he blocked me. What should I do know?
EBR Team Member: Amor

December 8, 2016 at 10:25 pm

HI Laura,

Just chill for now.. restart the count of two weeks.. And be very active with your activities and posting during it, even if you’re blocked.
Laura

December 5, 2016 at 11:35 pm

I tried to follow your advice on staying low but I couldn’t resist texting him twice. Now he has blocked me. What do I do now? I feel like I have ruined all my chances.
Laura

December 5, 2016 at 7:08 pm

I broke the nc rule and I texted him and now he blocked me. What do I do now?
Laura

December 3, 2016 at 5:02 pm

We were texting for 3 weeks but only because I reached out to him. I suggested a date he refuse I suggested I called him and he did not answer but even so, he was responding my texts until I told him I missed him. What should I do know ?
EBR Team Member: Amor

December 3, 2016 at 6:49 pm

It means there was not enough rapport and attraction built yet.. I think you have to lay low..maybe at least 1 or 2 weeks
Laura

December 2, 2016 at 3:28 am

I have changed, I have showed him that I can be less clingy and more independent. I ruined our communication by telling him by text that I missed him he said he does not feel the same and after that he has not answered my texts.
EBR Team Member: Amor

December 2, 2016 at 6:39 pm

That’s good that you started to change. Keep doing that.. But, how far are you in texting when you said you miss him? Because it looks like he viewed it as you wanted him back and you didn’t really change
EBR Team Member: Amor

November 25, 2016 at 3:35 pm

Hi Laura

how much did you improve yourself during those 3 months, are you still doing so? How long have you been texting?

Natalie

November 19, 2016 at 12:31 am

My boyfriend of 7 years (and 1 kid together) just broke up because well first e asked for a break i asked how long? he didnt have an answer for me and he proceeded to say “im not telling you to wait for me if you want to move on go ahead. i need to focus on me i need to get back to where i was before all this happened im not happy with you and im not happy not with you im just not happy right now and because of everything i caused youre not the person i fell in love with. heres the what happen: he cheated on me for 2years with the same girl i ended up finding out this year august. after i found out we did the whole on off again because i was so hurt and he kept trying to be sorry but i just dont trust him so my nagging continiued and continued id flip out and arguments would start. besides that one moth after finding out after all the crying and begging he did one night he took my car ened up drinking and driving crashed it i find out bloks away from the other womans house he went to see her still after everything? he got arrested i bailed him out i told him i couldnt continue he begged i took him back he lasted sept-oct wit drama ofcourse so here we are november i still had the trust issues and i guess i pushed him away with the nagging he asked for the “break” and then the whole hes not happy discussion and said he is sorry he turned me into this and he hates what he did to us but that he really did love me a lot! i told him no break lets break up he didnt fight it. i thought of reaching him we have a son together and yes he did me wrong but i still feel love for him and im finding it hard to let him go, i dont want him blaming himself it takes 2! i reached him but all his responses are “leave me alone” 🙁 he doesnt want to talk about us anymore and he also says ive pushed him away!

EBR Team Member: Amor

November 21, 2016 at 8:50 pm

HI Natalie,

I don’t think the other girl is just some girl. They’re together for two years, there has to be something there but right now, do you want to try the no contact rule?

Katherine Smith

November 8, 2016 at 11:11 pm

Sorry this is a very long comment. My boyfriend broke up with me a month ago after a year and a half. We met after getting into the same college. We are from the same city. We met to get lunch and get to know each other so we would have a familiar face at college. We talked for hours and started dating a couple months later. We had a very good relationship — he was very open and loving and treated me like the only girl in the world. We came to college and ended up in the same tight-knit friend group. Things went well, but there were some occasional issues. I would occasionally get upset with him for no good reason and I wouldn’t explain why. I would act kind of passive aggressive and make him work to figure out what was going on. I also had a lot of insecurities that made me act slightly odd sometimes, like I would act surprised when he wanted to take me as his date to something, even though we were dating. I think I liked the validation it gave me when he fought for me or explained that of course he wanted to take me because he loved me. I definitely had some communication issues that I realize stemmed from the fact that I didn’t really love myself. However, this did not happen all that often. Maybe it would happen once or twice in a week and then not for a while, etc. One day 3 weeks ago I was acting upset and wouldn’t tell him why. I suggested — an empty threat — that maybe this just wasn’t going to work. I had done this once before and he said “no please don’t do this, etc.” This time he said “maybe you’re right”. Then I started panicking and begged to stay together. He said he just couldn’t keep doing the communication/conflict thing. We sat there and cried for an hour as he tried to figure out what to do. He finally started to break up with me, and I said “I wish I knew how much this was bothering you or I would’ve stopped a long time ago”. Then he said “oh I didn’t know this was something you could control. We can work on this and get stronger.” I agreed but mentioned it was hard to look at him and know he wondered whether he wanted me or not. Then he went to sports practice, and when he came back he wanted to talk again. He said “I thought about it and you were right. The fact that I even wondered if we should be together means we shouldn’t”. He seemed very calm and composed. I told him I could change but he said “it’s not just the communication. Something just doesn’t feel right.” This confused me because in a text he sent a few days before he said “this just feels so right”. When he explained the breakup to our friend the next day, he didn’t mention this feeling. He told her the little conflicts were draining him, and he felt like he was walking on eggshells around me. He also said he felt like we were too codependent and were maybe holding each other back. He wasn’t doing very well in school and wasn’t very involved and I think that was stressing him out. I had been spending a lot of time in his dorm and room because my roommate situation wasn’t very good, but he showed no signs that this was bothering him. He also made it seem like he had only been considering breaking up with me that same day, for only a couple hours. It seemed like a rash decision, and I suggested a break when he was breaking up with me, but he said those don’t work for him. Our friend said “maybe this doesn’t have to be the end for you guys” after he explained the breakup, but he said “in my family, once you break up, that’s it. You don’t get back together.” His mom had mentioned this once before, and I know family values and principles are very important to him — he can be stubborn. He has a very idealized vision of relationships because his parents got married the day after they graduated college, his sister just married her high school boyfriend, and his brother is engaged to a girl he met at the beginning of college. He has never been exposed to relationships where things have been rough or rocky for a while. I think he feels like he’ll know it’s the right relationship if he never has any doubts about it, but I don’t think that’s very realistic. This is the one thing that makes me feel hopeless. He cried the day after, but then after that he seemed to be fine according to our friends. Maybe acting a little bit cockier, but fine. I can’t imagine he would get over me that quickly — we were so in love and shared so many of the same values. We were each other’s best friends and talked about a future together. I know he doesn’t deal with discomfort well. Maybe it’s just a coping mechanism? When he broke up with me, he said he still wanted to be close, but he hasn’t reached out to me. He’s been avoiding me. It’s hard because we are still in the same group text with our friends, so even though we aren’t really talking, I can see him communicating and he seems so OK. He sent a simple happy birthday text and texted me individually when I texted the group chat about a friend who wasn’t doing well and later when my brother had a heart attack. We had a brief conversation the first time, but I didn’t respond the second time because he didn’t even ask which brother it was, which hurt. These felt mostly like courtesy texts. He occasionally asks our friend how I am, but doesn’t talk about me otherwise. Last week this friend asked him if our friend group would ever all hang out again, and he said he needed a lot more time. He also said that he wouldn’t be looking for another relationship for a while. I have made so many positive changes, and I know I would be a much more open and stable girlfriend. I can finally say that I love myself, and I have really figured out who I am. It’s so upsetting that he can’t see this and says he wouldn’t entertain the thought of getting back together because of a principle that has nothing to do with me specifically. Also, the night after he broke up with me he told our friend he still really loved me and cared about me. His parents came this past weekend and told our friend they wanted to see me because they love and miss me, but they never ended up texting me. I don’t know if he ever plans to reach out to me, and it’s killing me. What do you think?

Katherine Smith

November 13, 2016 at 7:01 pm

I have been doing the no contact rule pretty well I think. I haven’t spoken to him directly in 3 weeks, and I didn’t respond when he texted me to say sorry about my brother. It’s been a month since the breakup now, and he hasn’t attempted to reconnect and still seems to be avoiding me. I’m just so confused because he said he still wanted to be close.
EBR Team Member: Amor

November 15, 2016 at 4:06 pm

yes but how much did you improve? That’s good that you stopped talking but you have to start a nrw routine too and look like you have your own life. How many new things have you done and how many new friends have you made?
EBR Team Member: Amor

November 12, 2016 at 10:58 am

Hi Katherine,

If he said he’s like walking on eggshells, that’s not good sign. It means you’re being manipulative or hurting with how you communicate or treat him. It’s common to become too codependent in your set up. You’re young, go to the same school and have the same set of friends. Do you want to try the no contact rule? Start a new routine and grow independently.

Jennifer

November 8, 2016 at 10:00 am

Please help! I’ve just come to the end of a 45 day no contact. I worked really hard and improved on myself a lot. I texted my ex for the first time yesterday and at first got a positive response. But he didn’t reply to my second text at all, which got me thinking. I looked at his facebook profile for the first time in weeks and saw that he’s officially ‘in a relationship’ with a new girl. They look to have a great relationship, and he’s even taken her to meet his mum. He never did these things with me. They started dating literally days after we broke up, but it seems like more than a rebound.

I still love him so much and want to keep fighting to get him back, but should I accept that he’s not coming back and is happier with her?

Please help!

EBR Team Member: Amor

November 11, 2016 at 4:22 pm

Hi Jennifer,
yes, I think you should move on.. it looks like he still thinks you have feelings for him and is protecting his relationship now by not replying to you..

Helen

November 7, 2016 at 9:19 pm

Hello !

So I’m good now, I really don’t feel sad and needy like before. I feel better and can, now, enjoy life again. I kinda got over him. But obviously I still love him.

I don’t know if he’s still with the girl, I didn’t ask him.

Yesterday he asked me “how’s work going” but I don’t know if I should reply because I know he’ll text me 3 days after I text.
Helen

November 6, 2016 at 10:06 pm

My boyfriend broke up 3 months ago. We’ve been together for 4 months.

He texted me first during the NC, he told me about his new relationship and clearly admitted it was a rebound.

I texted him after the NC period but he replies to each text after days. (3 days)

So I decided to give him enough space and time and stop texting.

I don’t really know if I should give up on him or keep trying?

Helen

November 7, 2016 at 9:20 pm

Hello !

So I’m good now, I really don’t feel sad and needy like before. I feel better and can, now, enjoy life again. I kinda got over him. But obviously I still love him.

I don’t know if he’s still with the girl, I didn’t ask him.

Yesterday he asked me “how’s work going” but I don’t know if I should reply because I know he’ll text me 3 days after I text.
EBR Team Member: Amor

November 7, 2016 at 6:16 pm

Hi Helen,

is he still with the other girl? When did you last talk? How much did you improve and are you still improving yourself now?

Sophia

October 31, 2016 at 2:26 pm

It’s been over six months since I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years. I did no contact for 30 days, and initially, it didn’t seem to work. I persisted, and finally we started communicating again, and almost daily. We did sleep with each other 5 times in the last three months. We’ve had dinner together, he let me hang out with his children, and we’ve watched movies, and hung out several times at his house. He has definitely been sending mixed signals. Even though he still responds to my text messages, and we seem to have a good conversation, he never initiates. He also has gone “cold” recently. He either won’t respond to texts, or send a neutral response. This is within the last month. What do I do? I fear that I’m becoming a text gnat, and I know I need to stop, but afraid to.

EBR Team Member: Amor

November 1, 2016 at 12:28 pm

Hi Sophia,
but if you wont stop, you would be a text gnat.. and you’re going to appear too available

Ellie

October 31, 2016 at 10:27 am

Hi there, I broke up with my boyfriend after a year of ups and downs. Things were never easy, we used to fight frequently, but then made up. I was trying to improve things, but I feel we are both proud so it was a power struggle at times. Anyway, during the summer he grew distant, he said he felt numb and insensitive to everyone, me included (he was also undertaking a serious diet and I felt he was slightly our of his mind), that he never had to deal with a similar situation before. I tried to be close to him, trying to convince him that we could be together if only we worked on our relationship a bit. To cut a long story short, we had a horrible break up two weeks ago, very abrupt, over text messages. He initiated it and I went along. Then we cut contact completely for two weeks. Last night he texted me what sounded a nice enough message to ask whether my family is fine (there was an earthquake in my country). He said that despite the weird/retarded/hostile way we ended, he wanted to know whether everything was ok. I did reply, explaining that everything is all right and saying that I would have never wanted things to end so abruptly but on the night of the break up I was not able to see him, felt overwhelmed and could not cope with the situation there and then. He briefly texted me back saying that “what can I say… this is how the Berlin wall fell…a lot of momentum and impulse”. I did reply saying that I understand where he is coming from and I simply did not want to see him as emotions were strong and I did not want to say things I might have regretted later. He didn’t get back to me at all, and I believe he won’t. So my question is: was it only a pure courtesy message? I feel like he deliberately cut off the conversation, like he doesn’t want to engage with it. What do you think? Is there any hope? Thanks.

EBR Team Member: Amor

November 1, 2016 at 12:33 am

Hi Ellie,

probably yes, he was just being nice… If both of you change, there can be a chance..

Lost In Love

October 30, 2016 at 1:29 pm

I implemented the No Contact Rule after my ex broke up with me. I didn’t message him, I didn’t see him, and neither did I respond to any of the messages that he sent me. Last night, he sent me a message saying that he was needing a few of his things that he had left at my house and that he had a few things of mine to give me. We arranged to meet up and do the exchange. During the exchange we had small chit chat and then he decided to tell me that he was sorry for hurting me, that he still loves me, has feelings for me, but he wasn’t going to act upon them. He proceeded to tell me that he still wants to be single and doesn’t want to be in a relationship and that I should let him go and move on. He told me that there was nothing that I could do or say that would get him to change his mind and that he preferred the single lifestyle over being in a relationship because of how happy he is now. He said there was no hope for a future and that he had already hooked up with another girl the previous night.

EBR Team Member: Amor

October 31, 2016 at 6:32 pm

Hi Lost in love,
if he’s saying the truth, then that means he still sees the old you when he sees you and talks to you.. that his life is more fun right now than to go through the problems again with you… the only chance I can see is if he’s sure that you’ve moved on, you’re fun to be with, you kept improving and yet you’re not into him anymore, it can make him curious about you again…because he sees you as the ungettable girl

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