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738 thoughts on “When NOT To Use The No Contact Rule On Your Ex Boyfriend”

  1. Avatar

    Unknown

    January 15, 2020 at 1:01 pm

    Hi my ex dumped me out the blue after 4 years together & this was our first break up, he did change alot over the last few months we where together & I expect he’s a fearful avoidant we have been broke up 10 weeks now & he’s made zero effert to communicate but does reply coldy If I msg him, I’m finding it hard to not keep in touch it’s been 1 week no contact what’s your advice ? Thanks

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 16, 2020 at 10:30 pm

      Definitely stick to No Contact this time and do not reach out at all because he needs to feel the loss, all you are doing is reassuring him that you are there waiting for him and holding on to hope that you are going to get somewhere with him. Read as many articles from this website and apply the information to your life and your situation. Not reaching out to your ex for a long period of time is going to also give your ex a chance to start missing you as you said you were together for four years, thats going to be a long time before he doesn’t miss you and your company.

  2. Avatar

    Kristin Jarrell

    January 12, 2020 at 8:32 am

    He broke up with me for a girl and if I do 30’days no contact that will be valentines and he’ll have a romantic date with her.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 13, 2020 at 11:51 pm

      Think of it this way, it is just another day! It is not relevant in the long haul of things. Do No Contact and follow the program, besides even if you dont they could still end up on a date. So just have faith in yourself that you are strong enough to do this

  3. Avatar

    Madison

    January 8, 2020 at 8:26 pm

    Me and my boyfriend of 2 years broke up, I cheated on him about 6 months ago, after he found out we still tried to work things out for that time but 2 weeks ago he broke up with me because of that and because of the constant arguing. He told me that he kissed someone after our breakup and I drunk texted him on New Years asking why he had to go kiss her and basically made a fool out of myself and he blocked me. I want him back. All my friends seem to think he will miss me as long as i continue to use the NC rule. He told me he wasn’t happy anymore and doesn’t want to ever get back together. I’m still blocked but only on one social media. i’ve been doing the no contact rule for about 8 days now, i’m wondering how long I should continue and how to start contact after?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 14, 2020 at 6:16 pm

      Hi Madison, so all that information is on this website where you can work out how long you need to do No Contact for. And when it is over what it is you need to do on your first reach out text. So, read some more articles on this page and see what you can find, I suggest that you do a minimum of 45 days No Contact because of the fact you went off on him for kissing someone else enough for him to block you.

  4. Avatar

    Jane

    January 7, 2020 at 11:24 pm

    Hi there,
    My ex bf broke up with me just 3 days ago. It was kind of sudden. We are long distance for most of the year and go to different schools but have been dating for 2+ years and have done extremely well in visiting each other and overall communication about where we both were during different phases of the relationship. Because his decision seemed sudden, I reached out to him yesterday to meet up and talk (for my clarity). He was not opposed and we actually had a very amicable conversation where he explained that he does still have feelings and loves me and still sees his best friend in me but he needs space because he has been realizing that he was spending too much time doing things to make me happy without thinking about himself. We both spoke of how we thought this was it and were so happy with each other. I understand he needs space and didn’t argue the break up but still told him that I have a lot of faith in us and he promised to reach out if his feelings were still there once he had some time alone. He still wants to be friends but right now, I can’t speak to him. I know I should do some amount of no contact but don’t know how long considering the fact that he explained his feelings are still there but he just needs some time. He is taking his mcat in 2 weeks and i know that is creating more stress right now. Should i wish him goodluck? In a month it will be his bday, do i wish him then? How do I go about the no contact while still remaining in his mind enough for him to not lose the feelings.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 11, 2020 at 4:57 am

      So based on how relaxed your break up appeared with out the upset and arguing. You could do a 21 day NC giving that you do the work on your Holy Trinity during that time really well! As in focus and work it. If you are in no contact during his birthday, you do not reach out what so ever. You make him worry that he is losing you by doing this

  5. Avatar

    Amber

    January 6, 2020 at 8:29 am

    Hey guys!
    I just need an answer because I have been researching for hours now and don’t understand what to do. My ex broke up with me a month ago and he was really sure he wanted to too like I knew it was over. Then the next day I texted him about having a break instead and he accepted and then we went on 3 amazing dates then he said he loves me at the last one. Then a couple days after he said he was not interested anymore due to my attitude changing over time compared to when we first met to something he can’t be happy around. So now we broke up again which was 10 days ago. Within these 10 days we talk constantly, were each others #1 best friend on social media (meaning we chat to eachother the most). We have hung out at a social gathering and another time after and got lunch together and chat for 3 hours about life. I could tell he wasn’t interested in me in a romantic way but he makes it seem like he wants to genuinely hang out. So we’re friends. Now that I’m in this situation idk if I been friend zoned and after all this talking and everything it’s a great situation for no contact? I feel as if it’s rude to cut him off completely right after talking to him just then for 3 hours in person about life? Can I still do no contact or have I gone too far and it’s over?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 8, 2020 at 10:56 pm

      Hi Amber, so you have placed yourself in the friendzone by being his friend straight after a break up. Hes told you he does not have romantic feelings for you and he is seeing you as a friend. So you need to change that, you need to pull away from the friendship, spend some time on yourself to get over the initial break up and then start dating other guys casually without getting into anything serious. This is going to reach your ex through social media and mutual friends that you are moving on with your life, he is going to see that others see you in a romantic way. Then when you start talking to him again you need to appear mysterious, you need to have little time to chat because you have to go somewhere with “a friend” and then when you reach a point you are confident you are going to be able to control your emotions and have meet ups, always have those meet ups in settings that could be seen as romantic

  6. Avatar

    Blair

    December 31, 2019 at 2:11 am

    Hi this is Blair again.
    My bf broke up with me a week ago, that day was really nasty, he was being very panic. After three days, we met up and he apologized to me, told me he felt really badly what happened that day breaking up is very bout of the blue.
    Yet he still thinks that we should break up, bc our relationship moved too fast for him that he cannot give a person that much love right now.(he has relationships problem with people) he said he need time to process everything.
    He also mentioned that he really wants to remain friends after a period of time, (we skipped friendship part in the beginning) so that we can restart and see do we really fit each other.
    Here’s the thing, he said: “maybe we should not text each other as much as before for one or two months, or I’ll never move on.”
    Does NC rule work when he said that? Bc it seems that he wants to do nc rule too….

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 3, 2020 at 6:03 am

      Hey Blair, yes it can still work giving that you do the work to become Ungettable in that time and use social media to show how much you’re progressing in your life without your ex around

  7. Avatar

    Sarah

    December 30, 2019 at 9:46 pm

    My ex broke up with me after 8 months together after I got annoyed at him for cancelling seeing me for a fifth time because someone had asked him to do somthing to help them that day. This was arond my birthday and he was trying to please everyone but at the expense of us. He had just started a new job and moved to a new flat after having to stay with his parents during a few months training for the new job. He text me to say he couldnt do it anymore and it was too hard and blocked me days before our disagreement he had still been making plans for me for things to do when he was free from work. A few days later he unblocked me and told me he couldnt see a time when it would be convinient for us and we were bettet off as friends for now. He has since sometimes been replying to my texts and other times completly ignoring me.

  8. Avatar

    Katie

    December 27, 2019 at 11:47 pm

    Hi,

    Me and my ex split up 8 days ago. We had been together 3.5 years. Our relationship had a lot of fighting. It is the first we have split up. However, the split was really amicable.

    He had been living at my parents with me and his dog in one room which definitely strained things. He went from a long relationship to this one quickly also. His reason was he needs time on his own for a while to get his own place sorted, for me to work out what I want. Initially at the break up he was really upset saying loads of times it’s not permanent, even to my family. A few days later he said he “doesnt want a relationship right now, doesnt know when he will be ready and he cant tell me to wait around so if I want to move on I can.” But he has also mentioned that people break up and get back together all the time. So he is open to it.

    He had come over on Christmas day to see my family, we got on very well, chatted after he said the same as above. At that point, I sent him a quick text just saying if he needs anything he knows where I am. I haven’t contacted him since, it’s been 2 days. He has sent me 2 snapchats, related to the dog. Both on the first day.

    I am unsure if to follow NC as it was a friendly split, he has admitted he might get back just not now, it’s our first break up and I do care about the dog also. I dont know if he will contact me, possibly but he might respect that I want space. I wouldnt contact him first just curious that if he contacts me, do I respond?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 30, 2019 at 3:28 pm

      Hi Katie do not respond and keep to a no contact even though your break up was civil you do not want your ex to think you are sat there waiting for him to come back, you need to give him the silence to make him miss you and worry that you are moving on with your life

  9. Avatar

    Blair

    December 23, 2019 at 3:17 pm

    Hello, I really need advice
    We’ve been dating almost a year.
    My bf broke up with me couple days ago, bc I fight him with the same issue again and again…(about his ex). He is very sorry that he fucked up in the beginning. He didn’t cheat on me it’s just something about trust and moving on the past. That day we were going to have sweet date but I mentioned that again and I was crying and a little bit overreacted.
    He said we should break up bc this problem seems that can never be fixed. He was very emotional and said a lot to hurt me, like I love you but I’m not in love with you, I don’t want to marry you, This is just best friend love bla bla bla.
    The most hurt part is, I can truly feel that he loves me a lot but he said this is not romantic love….or wife love at that day…
    How can be those feeling are fake???
    I can’t tell he was just too angry or he really feels like that.
    But today he sent me msg that he hopes me doing well and he’s here if I want to talk. Should I reply to him?? Or stop contact with him at least a week?
    This is the first time we broke up, is this situation fit NC rule?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 23, 2019 at 7:16 pm

      Hi Blair, so you need to do no contact but it needs to be at least 30 days not a week!! Work on yourself in that time and reach out as a friend when your 30 days are up to try and re connect friendly do not bring up the past and you need to work on your insecurities and trust issues so that you do not throw his ex in his face if he has done nothing wrong

  10. Avatar

    Lucy

    December 17, 2019 at 7:04 am

    Help! I need advice… My boyfriend dumped me 8 weeks ago because he said we were drifting, we were together on/off 2 years. We were on good terms when he first dumped me, it wasn’t nasty between us at all, we still spoke almost everyday and were still sleeping together.
    Then he came back 2 weeks later and said he’s so confused and missed me and us and we’d try work it out. 2 weeks after that we had a really bad fight over the phone and he hung up on me. I was so hurt and upset, I sent him this really nasty text message saying I was fed up and done with him, I told him to stay out of my life for good and called him all the names in the book. I didn’t mean any of it, I was just angry. We didn’t talk for a week and then I messaged saying I was sorry and I didn’t want to be done I wanted him back.
    He shut me down straight away and said now he was done. He said it’s different now and we couldn’t come back from this. I did exactly what you’re not meant to do and begged and pleaded for him to take me back and that I was so sorry. It’s been 3 weeks since this and we’ve spoken maybe once a week since then and I have initiated it each time and he’s been quite nasty, saying that I wanted this and he doesn’t feel the same anymore and he just wants to move on.

    I miss him so much but I feel like he’s punishing me. Our relationship had been rocky in the past but never this bad and the last 7 months we were in such a good place. Planning to move in together and booking holidays, we still have a joint account together. I just want him back.
    Is it too late to do the no contact rule on him? It’s been 4 weeks since I sent that message and 3 weeks since he said he wants nothing to do with me. He is just so so angry and refuses to speak to me.
    Please help !!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 22, 2019 at 10:26 am

      Hi Lucy, so giving that you were really angry and hurtful he is going to be hurt for now so this is why you need to do a no contact for 30 days minimum maybe 45 depending on how well you do the ungettable girl work during the 30 days. Let him be hurt and let him get over what you said in his own time. The positive is that you are a on and off again relationship your chances of getting him back are good, staying together is where you need to work on things. You keep breaking up for a reason, you need to find out what it is and face that issue so it does not happen again if you are to get him back this time.

  11. Avatar

    Lorna

    December 12, 2019 at 7:50 am

    Great website! Does this work with men who won’t commit to you?
    I started seeing a man for 4 months and about a month in he told me he didn’t see himself getting serious because he doesn’t see himself marrying me (getting married is what he says his goal is) and there is an age difference between us, he is younger but I’m not that old that i couldn’t give him a family. He still wanted to be friends. We are very attracted to eachother and share common interests as well as an emotional bond although he has so many walls up with everyone and doesn’t trust people in general. He avoidant and has an idealized idea of the perfect woman and finds faults in previous women he dated and i stupidly thought he would see how great i am and stuck around.

    He said he was fine not sleeping together but then would still try his luck. We stopped sleeping together for a bit but then started again. He hasn’t been sleeping with other women as i knew where he was most of the time and I trust he was honest with me but i know he is on dating apps more recently and doesn’t want to be monogamous because he is looking around for something serious elsewhere.

    In that time together we both became the other persons closest friend and would see eachother once a week, we even went away together. He would fluctuate between being cold on dates to the point where it would be dismissive and other times holding my hand and being affectionate.
    I got a bit demanding of attention at one point then took a step back and so did he. Since then he tried to make same day plans only and i started to feel deprioritized so I kept saying no to seeing him. Our last date we planned in advance and it felt very connected and was great as we hadn’t seen eachother for a bit even though we talk a lot. He was very affectionate.

    The next week he didn’t follow through with making plans with me ahead of time even though he said we would hang out but still asked me for a favour that week and I decided i could no longer be a placeholder and that I allowed him to settle into a comfort zone. I called him and we had a nice talk where he pretended he was ok with me taking a step back but I think he was hurt I was leaving. I said i couldn’t continue sleeping with him if we weren’t monogamous and when he said he wanted to be friends and sees me as a good one i told him it was too hurtful for that now and that I’m not sure how i will feel in a while. I told him if he really needs me (he has been depressed this last month) then he could still reach out if he isn’t ok. We left it at that, saying we will see who reaches out first and go from there.

    I’m two weeks into no contact. He sent me a cute animal video last week which I ignored and I believe it was to test my boundaries as they were loose before. When i stopped viewing his instagram stories he stopped viewing mine and immediately unfollowed me the other day after I posted a feed post.

    I’m worried that he will feel betrayed as he is so mistrustful of people and that he won’t want to talk to me after no contact. Also i fear if i do reach out he will think i just want to be friends again and could try and string me along. I don’t know if no contact is worth it or if it’s so unlikely in these situations that I should move on and save myself future rejection, even though I love him. Thank you.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 15, 2019 at 7:21 pm

      Hi Lorna, so as hard as this may be to understand to get a man to commit to you is to make him see that you are appealing to other men, so complete your no contact and work on building your confidence up and start looking at dating new men. Not committing to anyone but casually dating to make your ex see that you are desirable to others, and when he sees that there is a chance that you could meet someone else and not be there waiting for him to commit to you. Read about what it means to be the Ungettable girl and strive towards your version of that

  12. Avatar

    Madison

    December 8, 2019 at 11:10 pm

    Hi, I recently broke up with my ex 3 months ago. after my 2 months of finding myself. I have cheated before like in year 1. Fast forward 3 years later and engaged I broke up with him. During this break, I had sexual encounters with someone else. Then I told him about because I thought weren’t getting back together. Well, Now that I want him back he is talking to someone new and has made a connection with her with similar interests. I was just wondering if I should do the no contact rule? If yes, How long?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 9, 2019 at 5:59 pm

      Hi Madison, so yes you need to do a no contact rule. And in that time you need to read about the being there method so that you can prepare yourself to deal with anything that may develop with this new person

  13. Avatar

    Madison

    December 8, 2019 at 11:04 pm

    Hi, I just bought your ebook. Well, my story is that I broke up with him because I wanted to find myself. Found out all I really wanted was him. We were engaged when I broke up with him. One of the biggest mistakes of my life. So I have cheated on him one like 3 years ago. We moved on from that, well when we were on our break on told him that I was with a guy sexually and he freaked out. Well, when I wanted him back he was already talking to another girl. They seem to have a lot of things in common. I just wanted to know do I do the no contact rule? If so, how long should I do that? I’m scared that he is going to move on

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 8, 2019 at 11:12 pm

      Hi Madison, so you need to do No Contact and it needs to be 30 days minimum, even if he is getting to know another woman you need to show your ex that you are the best version of yourself, read up about the Ungettable Girl

  14. Avatar

    Audrey

    December 7, 2019 at 1:23 am

    Hi Chris,
    So me and my ‘bf’ broke up, we have been ‘together ‘ for just about 3 months then he loses his feelings for me i was really dumb i did no contact for 3 days and he texted me and we chatted cassually he then regained his feelings for me tho i am still pretty scared so for the last months i have been pushing his away hot and cold said i wanted to be friemds and then freak out if he agrees i’m scared to get intimate with him because i’m scared of gettung hurt, now he lost his feelings for me again, i loved him like this its really scary to be fair i was crazy i would say lets not talk anymore then we won’t talk
    then i’ll reach out we never talk cassually that much because well i was obsessed i decided to stick with my guts and stayed no contact with him for as long as i need its been 5 days and well he haven’t talked to me i decided to block him cause i have soo many issues i need to fix it first but i’m scared he’ll be ok without me, he usually texts me every week he never actually commit tho maybe i was too insane but apparently he has girls too he was trying to explore? Idk, but he told me he never felt this way before and while he was with someone he said that he wants to be with me after her and stay with me? This was before any of this mess, oh and recently before i went completely insane with him he saod he miss me i played it cool amd ask if he wants me to move on and he said yes and then again i went insane with him and now i think he is back with his ex i confonted him and he said yes and i played it cool for a moment until he could tell i am ipset and said “don’t do that, lets just talk it out right now” I said “no, don’t want to amd i need a few months time” I previously said i need time to and he still concats me but now he doesn’t, is it hopeless? Can i still get him back?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 9, 2019 at 4:40 pm

      Hi Audrey so it sounds like you have blown hot and cold too many times so what you need to do is complete a proper No Contact for 30 days minimum but the more times you break it the less effective it is. So stick with it this time. Then reach out to him as a friend and start rebuilding your connection slowly

  15. Avatar

    Remy

    December 3, 2019 at 6:39 am

    Hi. So I have had a problem where I tend to “freak out” on my ex as he says it. I have anxiety and especially when it comes to him not wanting to take another chance with me I get major panic attacks. Usually in those moments I tend to text a lot or call and try to get any response if he stops responding. Or yelling and getting more angry than I should in person. Which the last two cases have lead to me getting blocked. I have already done the no contact rule once. Sent the letter and got a positive response. Talked a small amount went out with him one night and he wanted to get back together right away. Then decided he wanted to focuse on himself. Then wanted to be with me again but this time he tested me. He told me the girl he was talking to asked him out and they are together now and wants me to respect that. Up till then I was doing good on the not arguing and not freaking out. But then I completely lost my composure and went into a full blown panic attack. I asked a crap ton of questions and kept pushing about stuff then he told me it was just a test and we argued. And then he stopped answering me. The next day I tried to get him to answer. Many texts, a couple of calls, even used my old Instagram account to try to reach out to him. He blocked me on everything about 2 days ago. I honestly don’t know what to do from here. I told myself and him that I would stop acting like that. I don’t like when I do it either, just as much if not more than him. But idk when I should try to contact him again and what to say where I already used the elephant in the room letter. Where I’m blocked i know I’ll have to do another letter but I’m afraid hell just toss it out and say yeah you’ve said that before. I just don’t know where to go from this point. Please help, I’m so afraid I’ve completely messed everything up and have absolutely no chance now…

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 6, 2019 at 7:30 pm

      Hi Remy, so I advise that you do NOT send a letter this time, I suggest that you actually leave him alone and take some real time in No Contact where you work on yourself, because sadly it seems you have not done so. You need to learn how to control your emotions, and learn how to work through panic attacks, there is help with this so going to speak to your doctor about how the attacks come on and they should refer you to someone who can teach you to not let it take over. While you do not take REAL action to change this behavior I’m afraid you won’t get your ex back and you will do this to the next person you meet too as you are not working through your emotional issues.

  16. Avatar

    Donnah

    December 2, 2019 at 9:11 am

    Hi Chris, I have been in a relationship with this guy for about 6 years. In the first 3 years, we were all over each other and then we started getting differences, he told me he a kid and he’s a moslem.i started losing interest but I loved him cause he’s a good guy and he respected me. He were still looking our ways of making a living, I had just finished compas trying to look for a job and I started giving him less time, so recently he came to and told me he’s been seeing someone that beaches I wasn’t giving him time, I told me he was sorry but it seemed he wasn’t really sorry cause after telling me, I needed my time a lone to process all the information, in that period he went back to that girl when I confronted him, he told me he has lost Interest in me , that we should break up. Actually he wanted us to stay friends. I also told him to that’s break up and stop talking also. But deep down am hurt, I miss him, I fell like am losing vthe love if my life, I feel he’s lost. Do you think the no contact rule will make realize his mistakes and comes back to me? Cause even when he was cheating, he never stopped telling me how he was going to marry me

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 4, 2019 at 9:29 pm

      Hi Doonah, stick to No Contact and take some time for yourself and think about if you can trust him and see a future with him after cheating. If you can then you need to read about being ungettable and the being there method

  17. Avatar

    Leah

    November 28, 2019 at 8:44 pm

    Hey Chris I dunno if you can help me but I’ve been broken up from my partner for 8 months we’ve kept in contact because of our child and have tried on few occasions to make us work and his always like this isn’t going to work after like a week but this time we lasted a month and now his telling me he needs to focus on himself so I suggested the no contact rule and he agreed but am I to late to save our relationship after 3 1/2 years and 4/5 months of being engaged?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 28, 2019 at 9:11 pm

      Hi Leah, so it isnt too late to give this a go but you are going to have to be so strong and strict with yourself keeping to No Contact (limited where you are allowed to discuss your child if it is about shared responsibilities etc) You need to do some work to show him how you are still the woman he fell for and that you are also not sat on the sidelines waiting for him. Which at this point he knows he can have you back anytime he wants from you asking him to try to make it work a few times. So read up on this website about the program and how to follow it. There are also articles when you share a child here too that can be helpful

  18. Avatar

    Sandy

    November 22, 2019 at 2:24 am

    Hey Chris. I read so many of your articles and watched your videos, I hope I can get a response on here. My ex and I are both in our 40‘s. We only dated 4 weeks. We had an instant connection and he wanted to be in a relationship after only 2 weeks. He said he was falling for me (which- according to him never happens. He is the typical bachelor). Shortly after he became very jealous for no reason. We talked about it and everything seemed fine but he stopped making me a priority. After I „complained“ about it, he gave me the silent treatment and I broke up with him, sending him a friendly text, explaining what I wanted from a relationship and that I didn’t think he was ready for it. He didn’t respond. After 10 days I asked for my stuff back. He said he would get back to me but he never did. I’m not sure what to do. You mentioned that the „dumper“ shouldn’t do NC. Do I even have a chance to get him back after only dating him for a few weeks? Thank you for your help!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 24, 2019 at 12:03 am

      Hey Sandy you will definitely give yourself your best chance if you follow the program even though you only dated for a few weeks it just means your no contact only needs to be 21 days and you can reach out as a friend first and try to rebuild your connection with your ex. Good Luck

  19. Avatar

    Kassandra

    November 21, 2019 at 9:25 pm

    A long-distance thing developed when I reconnected with an old friend this summer. We realised we had secret/repressed crushes on each other many years ago when we were at university together. I think that’s why very intense feelings developed very quickly this summer. We live in different European countries. By coincidence I was supposed to visit his country for a business trip this autumn. The plan was to meet and potentially start something. About 6 weeks before we were supposed to meet, he “broke things off” with me. His reason was that things developed too quickly and that he was confused. He didn’t want to put our friendship at risk by being intimate with me. But two days before the break up, both of us confirmed that things were getting more serious than we intended. We were texting each other, so I am not imagining this. With the break up, I asked him if he wanted some distance and if we should have no contact for a while. He didn’t want to have no contact with me and insisted that he still wanted to see me as we had planned, but only as friends. We kept in contact. Three weeks after he “broke up” with me, I asked him why he’d become so distant if we’re still friends. I was continuing the chattiness as we had it before because this is what he said he wanted. He replied saying that all of his feelings for me were gone; this is 3 weeks post-break up. I found it hard to believe that such a deep connection was suddenly gone. I asked him again if he wanted distance and he said no – we’re just friends, we should keep texting and he still wanted to meet me.
    Two weeks later, I did something really stupid. I wrote a message to say that I couldn’t be friends with him after what happened this summer. I told him that I’d unfriend/unfollow everything on social media. I bid him farewell. I regretted it immediately. I frantically re-established contact and wrote him an email saying that I made a big mistake. I think when he saw my farewell message, he blocked me on WhatsApp and social media (because I asked him to do it for us, but then I did it!). But then he replied to my email a couple of hours after. He sounded upset and angry, which is understandable. He said he needed some distance and that he’d get to me when he’s ready. I replied the next morning saying I’d wait for him. Then, when the date we were supposed to meet finally approached, I broke the no contact rule (did I?) and emailed him to ask if he’d still like to meet because I was travelling to his country. I said I’d like to honour our meeting because even he said post-break up he wanted to see me. I suggested we should just we meet for dinner, talk and try to move on from what happened this summer. He replied to my email, sounding like his old self again. But he was quite vague, saying we’d not meet this time around and repeated that he’d write to me. I’m really worried because he hasn’t unblocked me on social media yet. It’s clear he needs to limit our contact now. We can only email each other now.
    My problem is that I don’t believe his feelings suddenly vanished a few weeks before we were supposed to meet. We were so excited to finally see each other and a very deep connection developed between us this summer, all based on our long-standing friendship. I’m trying very hard to believe him when he says he feels nothing for me because I’d like to take what he says for face value and move on. It’s just difficult if my intuition tells me otherwise. None of my friends – male or female – think that his story makes sense. I don’t understand why he needs so much distance now if he knows that he is the one that initially broke my heart.
    What do I do now? It’s now been a month since I did that stupid thing of cutting ties with him. I’d like to trust that he’ll write to me and hopefully soon. He repeated himself with the same wording that he’d get back to me. Knowing him, he’d usually follow through with something like this. But I’m insecure and I’m scared, and I worry that he’ll never write back to me. I don’t want it to be over between us and I don’t want our friendship to be over either. I’ve known him for 20 years and I am scared that this is the end.
    We realised this summer that we’re very invested in each other and that a lot of feelings were dormant for many years. What can I do to get him back? I have the feeling there’s still something between us we could save.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 24, 2019 at 6:33 pm

      Hi Kassandra, so the way to get him back, or at least give yourself your best chance is learning how the process works and following it. Look up posts about being Ungettable and what the No Contact Rule is

  20. Avatar

    Elly

    November 15, 2019 at 5:17 am

    My bf broke up with me a month ago wants to be alone and focus on his young kids but he keeps the communication open and actually said “we’re going through this together” so we never lost contact most of the time his the 1st to text and he updates me on the kids which I got attached so much but I want to try this NC rule on him, will it work for him to realize what he really wants?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 18, 2019 at 7:43 pm

      Hi Elly, yes it will do the world of good in your situation as the reality is you are not going through this together! You are just helping get on with the situation to feel better. NC him and let him feel the loss of you as you are not going to be able to be his support and his friend if you want to be back with him. Good Luck

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