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740 thoughts on “When NOT To Use The No Contact Rule On Your Ex Boyfriend”

  1. Avatar


    November 15, 2019 at 5:17 am

    My bf broke up with me a month ago wants to be alone and focus on his young kids but he keeps the communication open and actually said “we’re going through this together” so we never lost contact most of the time his the 1st to text and he updates me on the kids which I got attached so much but I want to try this NC rule on him, will it work for him to realize what he really wants?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 18, 2019 at 7:43 pm

      Hi Elly, yes it will do the world of good in your situation as the reality is you are not going through this together! You are just helping get on with the situation to feel better. NC him and let him feel the loss of you as you are not going to be able to be his support and his friend if you want to be back with him. Good Luck

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    November 7, 2019 at 4:04 am

    Hi Chris,
    So my boyfriend ended our year and a half relationship suddenly a few days ago. I am trying to figure out how to go about the NC and feel as if the situation falls within a few of the categories you mention in this article. During the relationship we minimally fight over the course of our 5 year friendship and 1.5 year relationship, and this is the first time we’ve broken up (also the first time he has ever mentioned that he wasn’t fully happy during the relationship), but he did mention one of his reasons for wanting to end it was that I liked to talk to him more than he did (I like to talk every day and he rather talk every other day since he hates texting), so I feel like I should also give him space. We are/were long distance and we would see each other in person every other weekend. I also feel like he will most likely not message me first since he is more of a passive person and I ended the final conversation saying we needed to spend time thinking about what it {the breakup} could mean, so he might just wait until I say I’m ready to talk. In this type of situation would you still recommend 30 days? And would you recommend me reaching out to him if he does not at the end of it? Thanks!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 8, 2019 at 10:41 pm

      Hi Anne yes still do the 30 days NC and when it is over you reach out to him asking for advice on a subject you know he is interested in to get him talkingto you again. This conversation needs to be short and polite it is only opening the window for communication again. Then a few days later you can reach out again short and positive agian and so on until you are talking regularly

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    October 29, 2019 at 6:31 pm

    Hi Chris,
    Here is my situation. My now ex-boyfriend broke up with me a about 5 weeks ago, however we still live together. We were together for 2 1/2 years and lived together 1 1/2 years. I moved 400 miles away to be with him. He says he still loves me and doesnt want this to happen but feels it’s best for both of us due to the amount of fights we have had. He has also said that he is not saying no to getting back together in the future. We briefly spoke about getting some counseling after we get some space a couple weeks ago and he said he would be willing to do so but has not brought anything up since. I am doing my best to stay away and give him some space (no contact while living together) however he seems to be becoming more and more distant and also more angry. His actions are telling me that he really doesnt want this to happen and is trying to force himself to believe this is the right thing for us. I am moving into my own place in a little over 2 weeks which would make 2 months since we broke up. My question is, once I move out do I go no contact again? And if so for how long? We see each other every day but rarely speak currently. If we do it’s very short and to the point. I’m concerned that once I leave the house the time frames for another 30 days no contact will be way too long. I have already made huge strides in correcting the things about myself that he said I need to work on and I think he can see these changes already. I’m just a little confused on what to do once I move out. No contact? Limited contact?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 30, 2019 at 1:16 pm

      Hi Becky, so I would add another 21 days – it is a long time but it does give him the chance to miss you when you are gone, I would maybe leave some prints of counselling out on a table or something to show you are making changes but DO NOT TELL HIM just leave them somewhere (table, coffee table) so he will notice that you are working on yourself even if you dont go to therapy it shows change. The fighting you need to find the source of them, why is it that you’ve come to the point or always arguing?

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    October 7, 2019 at 5:02 am

    Hi Chris,
    My ex boyfriend and I broke up a couple times in the past. One of the times we broke up, I got with someone else as a rebound. He was a friend in college and he was the reason my ex broke up with me in the first place. After about 3 months my ex came back to me and asked me if anything happened while we were broken up and I lied about it. We were dating for about year after that break up and the truth came out. My ex told me he couldn’t date me anymore or stand the fact that I was with someone else (he’s categorizing it as cheating because he told me to stay away from the guy even though we were broken up) he also couldn’t stand that I lied to him for so long. I moved a couple hours away from him in the past year we made it work, always visiting each other and talking every day. We did have our fights but overall we had a great connection, and relationship. It truly felt like we were best friends. I lived with him for the summer, that ended abruptly when he found out. I was and still am very close to his whole family. His mom, brother and cousin still check up on me. Anyways, after he told me I couldn’t stay with him I was staying with my friend for a week and for the first couple days my ex and I were texting as if we were still dating, we saw each other a couple times and hooked up. He was telling me he needed space to see if he could get over it but was still talking to me, calling me hun, babe, etc. then I went out one night with my friends (he’s 19 and I’m 22 and he always hated when I went out) and he didn’t text me for the whole night and the next day he sent me a long paragraph saying how he couldn’t do it anymore. I called him up and we were screaming over the phone at each other and he hung up. We continued texting until he blocked my number. Then I was texting him from texting apps and when he calmed down he unblocked me, for almost a month I was texting him everyday, begging him, telling him the steps I’m taking into changing (I started talking to a therapist, he suggested it) and he just didn’t seem to care. He would always come back with degrading comments and names. I blew up his phone and kept asking him questions like “does it bother you that I keep texting you?” He would say no it doesn’t bother him but on the other hand he would tell me to give him space, but make it seem hopeful that he’ll get over what happened. Then he sent me a text saying he’ll never get over it and he needs to get over this painful part of his life and move on. I have been using the no contact rule but only for 4 days and I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do in this situation, is the space going to confirm his decision because of what happened when we were broken up the last time? I reassured him nothing was going to happen for a very long time but he doesn’t believe me because I lied to him. We also shared a netflix account and he said he was okay with me using it, then when I stopped talking to him for the 4 days he changed the password. Idk if that’s something or I’m just thinking too deep into it. Sorry this is so long, and I appreciate everything you put out there, it’s the reason why I decided to start the no contact rule in the first place, your advice is comforting as well. Thank you for taking the time to read my situation!!!

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    October 4, 2019 at 8:07 pm

    Hello! My ex boyfriend and I were together for 13 years (15-28) and we live together. We’ve had break ups before but the most recent one was last year. Now we’re in another one and it worries me that it is so close together!

    He broke up with continued problems from the last break up and feels there is a better fit for us. Said he loves me and could continue but cant because it’s unfair to the relationship when he feels there’s something missing. He enjoys doing creative things and i think he wants someone who will work beside him. This is so important to him because it’s his passion and future career. I enjoy being creative but stride differently. He also said he does not want to date yet but wants us to work on ourselves. But thid could lead to dating others like before and I cant help but think and prepare for this.

    We’ve been living together for about a year now (he moved in during the last break up and stayed after) and our relationship was mainly good aside from my own problems of not letting go of the past. I should of looked at thr break up more positively and kept it in the past. I would have fits and make him feel lonely in the relationship. He was very good to me and was incredibly sweet.. we even talked about kids! (This was never an easy topic for him, so that’s huge.)

    He gave me confusing signs during this break up… we held hands, cuddled and had sex once, we also slept beside each other. I cried and cried, and pushed to keep talking time after time. Basically pleaded and tried to tell him why we’re good together, tried to hear him tell me something that resonated with “I love you”. I couldnt handle it and freaked out and broke trust, by looking through his phone to find nothing. This resulted in him moving to the couch. So i changed and kept distance for a few days and also stopped hugging him before work, doing certain household chores that dont benefit me (his dishes, his work clothes, cooking for him and packing lunches), not replying right away through messages, avoiding his playful nature that result is horse play or chasing around the house but we still eat together in the living room and draw together. I’ve talked on my own more than i should last night but if i keep it to a minimum… would this be the right approach? None of my friends have had a relationship like we have and we’re not able to live seperately so i want to make a difference by cherishing what i have instead of being upset for what was lost. To show him i’m capable of change but also doing things i said earlier and getting out of the house more often.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 4, 2019 at 9:47 pm

      Hi Jennifer, so you need to work on re attracting him – doing this by being secure and confident again. Easy to be around and being the best version of yourself or “ungettable”. But while living together you need to do a Limited NC for a short time. You can’t be his friend if you want him back as a boyfriend.

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    September 24, 2019 at 8:38 pm

    Hi guys, so its been a few weeks since my ex and I broke up. He kind of called the shots? But not really? We were fantastic, everything about us meshed perfectly, then I got a weird vibe from him one day. I asked about it and all i got was an “I don’t know how I’m feeling about us”. He recently started college (we broke up like.. 2 weeks into the year. He said that he was having a just having a hard time balancing school and a relationship. So of course, me being me and worrying about his feelings over mine and not wanting to keep him in anything he was unhappy with, I told him that I respected his decision. He said he wanted to end on good terms and stay friends. That was September 6th of this year. Through my wallowing, I starting being more active on social media… posting stories and pictures and what not. One day (last week or so) I noticed that he IS CONSTANTLY one of the first 3 people to look at everything. I want him back . Even though I keep telling myself I don’t, I know I do. I loved his family and I really adored him (right down to how I witnessed someone change an insulin pimp for the first time ever.) We’d only been dating for a few months though… I’ve started conversation a few times. He always responds within minutes. But he never initiates. Im confused as I’m sure this entire paragraph is. I guess I’m just calling for an SOS? A flare in the middle of the night? Is the No Contact method a good idea? Should I keep posting on my social medias to keep his attention?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 26, 2019 at 9:25 pm

      Hey Izzy, so YES to the NC because you need to create some mystery about yourself, working on being UG and also YES keep posting great things to social media showing how amazing your life is and all the fun things you’ve been doing recently.

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    September 12, 2019 at 11:34 pm

    Hi Chris, my ex boyfriend broke up with me late last night over text. He mentioned it a day before at possibly being friends for the time being due to his life becoming overwhelmingly stressful with his family and son. I ended up basically begging him to change his mind and talk to me in person about it as he’d previously stated that we had a lot to talk about….but instead he reiterated his decision and blocked me on snapchat. He has not however blocked me anywhere else as I texted him this morning (no response). For context my ex has been dealing with a lot of terrible things for the majority of our relationship (4 months) but I’ve stood by him and helped him with a lot and he’d constantly tell me how thankful he was to have me during these times. However the past 5 or so days he’s changed, I don’t really know what happened but he began to distance himself to the point where he’d open my messages and not respond. I of course being worried would text and try and call him to see what’s wrong…but to no avail. He tends to distance himself from people when he becomes overwhelmed but we’d talked about this previously and he was trying to stop. During the relationship we rarely fought and were very much into each other, albeit a little jealousy here and there but a healthy loving relationship. I’m really afraid of losing him and want him to work on himself and work on the more important things (as he stated ANY type of relationship is not a priority right now), which I’m trying to respect. I just wish he’d let me help him…he’s grown sort of cold and distant to my advances…I don’t know if I should proceed with the no contact rule or what as we broke up mostly due to his stress level and other minor fixable issues. Just two weeks ago he was telling me how he saw a future with me, so for this to sort of happen out of the blue is just nerve wrecking and makes me wonder just how bad his stress level was getting.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 15, 2019 at 12:52 am

      Hey Mia, yes stick to your No Contact, even though there are reason. Give it time and focus on you during your no contact.

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    September 12, 2019 at 1:29 pm

    Hi Chris, pls guide me on ur suitable program and help me understand this.
    we r frm different country and LDR. He is unable to forget his online ex gf of 2 yrs, who he hasn’t met ever and lives in different city. she has rejected him for marriage citing her parents not agreeing. she refused to meet him directly Whn he travelled to her city to meet her.she gave excuses & remain a mystery. She shares pictures in Whtsapp & chats wt him so he has deep feelings for her though She’s cold in her communication & clear tht nothing going on btw them.
    He slowly moved away frm her & got close to me online but propose few times but we age issues. I visited him 3 times in 5 months & got close physically & emotionally. The entire family loves me & wants me to marry him. He’s 38 & I’m 43 and his family wants him to settle soon & they told him to let go of that non existence ex gf occupying his mind.
    In July he proposed marriage.After accepting the proposal,he wrote to me saying he can’t go on as he is unable to forget her, don’t love me, if he marry it’s only for marriage sake and he decided not to get married at all ! I was hurt,angry and sad. I knew he had loved me some point & had feelings but it’s not enough to marry because he might have to cut ties wt her & he’s not ready to do tht so I sent him nasty messages for leading me on & hurting me badly and blocked him in WhatsApp. That was 2 weeks ago. I heard frm his cousin,he cried saying he made mistake by flirting & coming into my life bcoz he don’t love me fully & he knows im angry & blocked him & in few months I’ll forget him and get a new person.. ! is this a good sign ? I want him badly and can’t forget him .. do you think I should unblock the WhatsApp but do NC or continue NC while still blocking him.

    1. Shaunna


      September 12, 2019 at 7:39 pm

      Hi Oviya, I would unblock but stick to your NC until finihsed

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    September 12, 2019 at 12:49 pm

    Hi Chris, my best friend and I decided to take a step forward and start a relationship. At first it was long distance (coast to coast) but then I moved closer due to work transfer but still, we are about 1.5-2 hours away. It was a great 10 months until he started to pull back and I thought he needed space so I gave him 1 week space of no contact thinking it would do him good since he didn’t answer my call but he broke up with me last weekend. I was blindsided by it all and none of the reasons seem real, just excuses really (I’m not a good bf, you deserve better, I don’t know what I want right now etc) This is the first break up, I haven’t seen another situation where couples were bffs first and became a couple on the site so I wanted to know if the NC should be implemented bc I’ve already started and on day 4. We already said ILY, and he said he wants to still keep in contact and be friends and believe if we were meant to be we will be together again. Within the 10 months we never really fought and if we did it was resolved within 24 hours or within 1-3 hours. Definitely not toxic and we are the opposite sex of each other. I still want him in my life because I still see us growing old together, build a life together as supporting professionals and as partners. Please help! Thank you.

    1. Shaunna


      September 12, 2019 at 7:43 pm

      Hi Amina, best thing to do is start your NC and let him see what life is like without you. If you want him back as a boyfriend, you can not be his friend right now. Read up on material about NC and being ungettable

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    September 6, 2019 at 5:27 am

    Hi Chris, thanks for all this great info! I’m planning to buy your ebook shortly — wondering if it covers a situation like this?

    We were together for almost 9 years, and he broke up with me 3 weeks ago (no clear reasons – I suspect loss of attraction, plus attachment style conflict – and he revealed he has feelings for a friend) but maintains he has love for me, cares, and wants me in his life (I’m also very connected to his extended family and their kids, so it’s very important to me to keep those lines open). We always got along well and lived together for 5 years, and this is the first time we’ve separated. I’m still in love with him and saw a healthy future for us if we both did the work.

    I tried to reason and beg on the first two days, then stopped. He has been pleasant and supportive since, and we caught up in a group and he was friendly and engaged with me. Since then, I saw something online which indicates his connection with this other girl is continuing. In anger, I lashed out at him over text (it was on our would-be anniversary, emotions were heightened). I later briefly apologised and said he won’t hear from me for a little while (this is Brad Browning’s clean slate idea).

    Reading your blog now — I see points for NOT doing no contact and some reasons to go ahead with it. I suspect I should commit to NC if he’s emotionally involved with another girl… but if she wasn’t in the picture, I’d think that I shouldn’t in case of it backfiring. Confusing!

    Is there anything else I need to consider, or it is covered in the e-book?

    Thanks so much for yours and your team’s work.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 6, 2019 at 6:51 pm

      Hi Molly…I think the best course of action is to employ No Contact in the way I describe in my Program. It can potentially help with not just creating attraction and making him appreciate more your value, but also with your healing and recovery and personal growth. My “Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro Bundle” really has a lot of resources that should help you with optimizing your chances and also feeling better about things.

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    September 4, 2019 at 2:27 pm

    Hi Chris,

    My ex and I have been together for 3 years. We never Last month he broke up with me to be with one of his friends. Our break up wasn’t too bad. He said he loved me and still cared about me and he told me h

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    September 4, 2019 at 2:01 pm

    Hi Chris,

    My ex and I have been together for 3 years. We never fought and he said he was very happy in our relationship. Exactly one month ago he broke up with me to be with one of his friends. Our break up wasn’t too bad but i still want him back. When he broke up with me, he said he loved me and still cared about me and he told me he still wanted me to be in his life (as a friend). He and this girl are now together but he has been texting me a few times a week and he still has our pictures on his instagram. I just find it hard to believe he moved on so quickly.
    I decided to try out the no contact rule and i’m now on day 6. He texted me once in those 6 days but i didn’t open the message.
    Do you think no contact will help here or will it just push him into the other girl’s arms?

    Thank you!
    – Amber

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    August 27, 2019 at 7:14 pm

    Hey my boyfriend dumped me after 6 fabulous months of love and empathy saying that hr cant live with the idea that i easily get angry .. i tried to tell him many times that i’ll work on such weakness but he insisted .. he cried rivers while breaking up with me and thats what made me insisted on trying to comfort him but he said that the break up is thr only solution in his point of view .. i applied the the no contact period for a month nw and we have broke up month and a half ago .. he didnt text or called he even un followed me on instagram?? The weird thing is that while the NC period one of our mutual friends told me he is still crying and he’s lost he dont know what to do .. but despite this fact he didnt try to interact with me by any mean since then .. i dont know what to do .. i admit i got such a weakness but i dont deserve to be dumped for .. this is totally immature

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    August 4, 2019 at 10:09 pm

    My boyfriend of one year broke up with me because we had a few fights over him not spending enough time with me. He works extremely hard, so we only see each other on weekends, and keep texting to a minimal. I started NC 3 days after the breakup (which I didn’t handle very well at first) and lasted for 10 days until he asked for my new phone number. I replied. He also asked “What have you been thinking recently. This question took me 2 days to reply because I needed time to think before saying anything inappropriate. I only replied “Been focusing on my goals. All is well :)” He went completely silent afterwards. I couldn’t help but wonder if not replying promptly has turned him off??! (I waited 48 hrs instead oops…) Would really appreciate it if you could give me some hints about the art of post-breakup texts. Thank you.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      August 4, 2019 at 11:04 pm

      Hi TW….you really should take a look at my eBook “The Texting Bible”. Just go to the Product section and you can pull it up and read about it there

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    August 3, 2019 at 3:51 pm


    I wrote about this on the “Ex Boyfriend Recovery” post earlier so I’ll give the abridged version: my ex in the midst of a lengthy depression broke up with me as he felt trapped by the relationship (has happened in all of his relationships no matter what the girlfriend does) and that he was dragging me down. We cried and hugged and he mentioned that he felt stupid for letting go of “the best girlfriend [he’s] ever had” and that “he couldn’t even keep the girl who worshipped him” (“worshipped” is a stretch; I supported him and made a point to make sure he knew I was always there). During our break-up, I said that I thought we could go the distance but I understand his reasoning for the breakup and that I accept it.

    We were together for three years; due to his job loss the last eight months or so have been really hard, but otherwise good. We also live together so I’m trying to rock the modified “no contact” rule for this (we broke up once at the very beginning of our relationship and the steps you gave me helped get him back). But when he’s around he asks me how I’m doing, if I’ve got support systems in place, and seems really concerned about my well-being. I try to be as honest as I can while still maintaining my “I can get through this” attitude but I do ask him how he’s doing because he’s absolutely miserable and I want to help but I don’t think I should go into “full nurture” mode like I did when I was his girlfriend, but I’m not sure how to be a good roommate while still trying to potentially rekindle something. What do I do in regards to no contact?

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    July 26, 2019 at 4:09 am

    I am having the biggest heartbreak and I have no idea how to cope anymore. I’m 30 and he’s 29. We were together for just under a year when he suddenly ended it. I never felt this way about anyone and I thought he was the one. I am embarrassed and humiliated. We were on the same page. No fighting or anything. We had done two “mini trips” within 3 weeks of each other and booked a 2 week trip in October together 3 days before he ended it. The week before we talked about slowly moving in his items. He completely blindsided me. I thought he was coming over for his birthday dinner I was making him and instead he dropped the ball on me saying our personalities were not compatible (wouldn’t you have noticed that in the first couple months?). He also said he had been losing feelings over a month before he ended it with me but just didn’t know how. I broke down so badly sobbing and just stunned. He asked if I wanted him to stay to talk about any questions I had, but any question I had he replied “I don’t know I can’t explain it” and then I said what is the point if there is no fixing this. I asked why he didn’t tell me before all these trips and why he kept leading me on and he said he was trying hard to fight his feelings but in the end it’s how it is. I asked for my key back and gave him his gift (it’s personalized and I can’t return it) and asked him to leave and I left to a friends. He asked if I wanted him to check up on me and I said what is the point? Two days later I gathered my thoughts and wrote him an email of what I wanted to say but couldn’t because I was having such shock. I never got a reply.
    I’m doing NC and it’s been a week and it’s killing me inside. I’m constantly wondering if he is thinking about me or even wants to speak to me. He hasn’t said anything since he left. No text, call, or anything. Would the NC even work for me? I miss him so much and I’m still in such a state of shock 7 days later….

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    July 24, 2019 at 6:25 pm

    Hi chris,
    I did NC rule for 29 days, we both were angry during break up, during this rule, First three days he textd me to reply back, then i just got one message per every week during whole NC period, finally i couldnt resist n missing him badly i broke rule. Now he s txtng single word txts, 3 to 5 txts per day to which i reply. When i ask hw long he continues same, he keeps saying everythng s fine he s just busy. I dnt find any love or bonding of us existed before. I feel like he s txtng me mechanically with out any love, if i doesnt reply for long time he express his single word irritation. He s nt even caring me as before. I really doesnt understand what s his inner feeling. If he s not interested, he shud hv ignored than textng. He asked me to reply n aftr i do n he s behaving he doesnt care r love me anymore. his way is totally hurting me and ruining my little left over peace n making ne sad. Can u pls explicit what may be his inner feeling. Should i move on??

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    June 29, 2019 at 4:48 am

    Hey! I found myself in the situation of him sending me a cold text after 19days of no contact to pick up his stuff and asking from me not being there. I answered as you suggest but told him I had changed my locks so I needed to be there. By the end of the message he became more kind and even saying he is sorry that he has to stop the chat because he needs to go (although the ‘chat’ was super business-typical from my side). How to proceed from here? Doesn’t this mean that he had all this time (3weeks) to think it over and he is sure that he doesn’t want to be with me? Can you really overturn such a situation? Me and my ex were together 3,5years and living together almost all of them. He broke up with me after a fight saying mean things.

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    June 24, 2019 at 9:36 pm

    Hi Chris! Started NC has advised over a week ago (without giving heads up)…he started reaching out first day of the second week;calling and sending messages (three days in a row now). Messages like answer me, is this how it is now?, he also called thrice so far. Is this positive gnating? If not what do I say after no contact period about ignoring him? I am also friends with his brother and i missed his call today, what do i say to the brother if he asks me why I haven’t been responding to my ex’s texts and calls? Thanks.
    N.B: Its a long distance relationship which is making me consider a 21 days NC.

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    Em K

    June 19, 2019 at 8:04 pm

    Hey there so I’m kind of on the fence about no contact. We’ve been dating about 6 months. Talking for a year and it’s long distance. There are really strong feelings however I was really stressed/sick when we were dating and had some hangups so I wasn’t the best gf. He decided to end it and he told me during a later conversation that he couldn’t see it going anywhere good. I think he’s just trying to protect himself from getting hurt. I didn’t react well to the breakup, did get him to agree to think things over and he did we were having a good convo and he opened up but then he took the conversation to a sexual place. That freaked him out and he didn’t talk to me for like 2 weeks. It’s only been 3 weeks or so since the breakup which he ended it a couple days before I was supposed to fly down. He has been checking my social media and such. I know I still want to date him if he changes his mind but I don’t know if I should pull back and he’ll rethink or if him opening up and talking would help more. We had a good convo when he opened back up the other day and he kept talking to me so I know he misses me.

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