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740 thoughts on “When NOT To Use The No Contact Rule On Your Ex Boyfriend”

  1. Avatar

    S

    June 17, 2019 at 3:44 am

    My boyfriend broke up with me last Tuesday, after being together for a year and a few months. We were on a 3 week trip in Costa Rica in May, to which we got a little distant towards the end, but we talked about it and made up, and he expressed how glad he was that we talked about it. The night we flew home was the only night we had apart (stayed at our parents’ houses), then the next day we drove over together to my parent’s vacation house (where my boyfriend and I live for summer). This was Memorial Day weekend, and lots of friends were in town and came over to our house, so we felt like we were partying for 3 days straight, which we didn’t really want to be doing. We did have fun though, although got in a stupid drunk fight, but we made up. We always make up, and that’s one thing he always loved and wanted. Then he kept saying how he just wanted all our friends to leave (more were coming over in a day or two) because we were burnt out and needed to do all kinds of yard work, gardening, how he wanted to get back into his gym routine..etc. he even said he just wanted some time with me. Then more friends came over, more partying that we weren’t into, had another little fight..made up, etc. but we started to become distant the week before he broke up with me still and didn’t really get any time to ourselves. So June 8th, I left our vacation house to go home to my parent’s house for the weekend to see family and friends, and let my boyfriend have some space that I felt we needed. He was really distant over the weekend, and I knew he was out partying every night with his coworker friends in this tourist town. when I got back Monday night at midnight, I knew he was going to break up with me. We both woke up in the middle of the night, and I asked him, and he said he thought it was best. He said he didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore, that he’s having more fun with his friends and didn’t want me to really come back, said we’re different, wants to do whatever he wants without his decisions affecting someone else, that he’s in his prime years, wants to travel alone, said he doesn’t feel 100% committed anymore, even said he’s been attracted to and lusting after other girls, but that he still loves and cares about me and I am still his best friend. He used to be the one that was 1000% committed, constantly said that hanging out with friends was a waste of time, didn’t want to party and just wanted to get back in shape, that he loved this life with me. Now he just did a total 180 and turned completely immature. I just cried a ton though during the breakup, and there wasn’t any fighting. I felt I couldn’t convince him to change his mind. He was here the whole day until he went to work, and he held me and hugged me, hugged me goodbye and was overall very nice. He only took some necessities with him to stay at his friend’s house, where he’s been staying ever since. He came over on Thursday to mow the lawn before my parents got here, and we hugged when he got here and i feared up, and I definitely did some things maybe wrong (like try to hold his hand to have him follow me so I could show him something) and he let go and had his hand on my back instead, or playing a playlist of old favorite songs that mean something to us. Here and there I would talk or make jokes as friends, but we still didn’t talk a whole lot. He probably knew I was hurting inside but I tried to be stronger this day. Then I went on his phone to send myself more pictures from Costa Rica, and I saw somewhat flirty texts from a younger coworker girl, then pictures of her on a swing at the lake here at midnight the night before. He only told me that him and his friend Frank snuck into a hottub that night, and not about this or other people. There’s no way he’d have pictures of only her on his phone to keep if he didn’t feel something. He doesn’t know I saw all this. When he was leaving he asked what I was going to tell my parents when they come over, and to tell them that he just needed space and works all weekend, then gave me a hug goodbye. That night I had the biggest breakdown of my life while I was driving, a full blown anxiety or panic attack, that I’ve never had before. Even my limbs started falling asleep. I felt he was the only person that could help me, that I felt close enough to. I was so scared but called some friends who calmed me down. I also wanted to tell him that I felt I needed to tell my parents. He originally wanted to wait a couple weeks (when his parents come over) and be “mature and say we broke up” instead of that he broke up with me, solely because he knows everyone will be pissed at him. As if he’s guilty or knows he’s making a big mistake. I texted him after my breakdown saying that I really wanted to talk to him, even as friend, that I wasn’t okay earlier and was scared to be alone, and I tried to call him. He said sorry for not answering and not being there to talk, that he would like to, but he was with people and it wasn’t the right scene. So then I didn’t reply because I felt I was just being swept under the rug, that I wasn’t a priority. The next morning I texted him asking if he was awake, because I still wanted to let him know that I was going to tell my parents (because I didn’t want my wild dad blindsiding him and calling him & freaking out on him). Our parents were also having dinner together Thursday night, talking about the plan for my boyfriend’s parents to take us to Italy, and none of them knew we broke up. So after I asked if he was awake, he said Yes how are you, then I said I wanted to call him, but he said he was at breakfast with friends. Another excuse. I didn’t reply and I finally called my mom. Then he texted me asking if I was alright, then sent another text saying he knows how I can feel, that having a broken heart is the worst, and he feels terrible for being the one breaking it, but that everything he told me is the truth and I need to understand that, and that he didn’t want me to be alone, he was worried. And told me to occupy my thoughts and surround myself with people. I didn’t reply. It felt like he was implying he didn’t have a broken heart, only felt bad for breaking mine. I know inside that he probably is heart broken. My issue here is that his parents and some of my family are all coming over next weekend to stay at our house, bringing boats and jet skis, and I doubt my boyfriend told them what happened yet. I’m debating on leaving (and missing out on a fun weekend) or possibly just being around him and having fun with my family. I really do want to see him, even as a friend, and there is a comfort in being around him. However i want him to come back to me so badly. I don’t know how much he’ll be around either, since he is still staying at his friends house (even though all his clothes and stuff is here), and he will probably be working a lot. And I don’t know if he was planning on telling his parents around me or what. I am at a total loss of what to do. I am feeling so desperate. Please please please help me out

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      June 17, 2019 at 3:17 pm

      Hi S….so I see a lot has been going on and you have been thru a lot. My best general advice is to have a sensible ex recovery plan that you can follow to lift up your self from an emotional and recovery standpoint. This same plan should also help you with making the right moves during this period. That is what my Program is about.

  2. Avatar

    Mike

    June 16, 2019 at 10:18 pm

    It might sound funny.. But my ex 2 days after I decided on the no contact rule for one month after I will leave his house (we were living together for 2 years) we chat a bit after I packed stuff and actually said he think we might need time to heal and it will be better to cut contact for 1 month or 1 month and half

    So if the one that dumped me and made ul his mind about breaking up thinking its a good idea by himself without me mentioning it at all, it it still work?

  3. Avatar

    Joy

    June 15, 2019 at 10:54 pm

    Thanks a lot!

  4. Avatar

    Joy

    June 15, 2019 at 3:07 pm

    Thanks for your professional insight Chris! Its a beautiful job you are doing. I have few follow up questions….1. How long should the no contact be this time around, the first was a month+ 2. I hope going into no contact won’t give the impression that I’m so hurt, angry or distraught to talk to him. Thanks.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      June 15, 2019 at 10:50 pm

      YOu can can give him a heads up that you need some alone time for the foreseeable future. Just keep it vague. As to how long your NC period should be – that really depends on many variables but the rang is usually around the thirty day mark. But NC is an adaptable strategy, so consider picking up my lengthy eBook on the topic, “No Contact Rule Book”.

  5. Avatar

    Faith

    June 15, 2019 at 1:37 am

    Hi Chris,

    My boyfriend and best friend of nearly 6 years broke up with me a month ago. Also to top it all off on the day I found out I was getting let go at my job. He says the reason was he needed to sort himself out and he doesn’t want to be in a relationship anymore, and that he just needed some space. But having said that, he says he still wants to be friends, see me and help me with any work related things i.e interview prep etc if I ever needed. As you can imagine I’m absolutely devastated because he is my best friend and I still love/care about him.

    When he moved out we spoke over the phone and I said that I would need a couple of days or weeks before we hung out again, and asked for him to respect that (even though I really just want to talk to him and see him everyday).

    On the 31st May it was his birthday and I decided to break that by sending him a birthday wishes text, he wrote back ‘it was lovely to hear from me’ and ended in ‘take care xx’

    Since then I’ve strayed the NC, it’s now been 15 days, but in terms of last time I seen and properly spoken to him has been 32days. Why should I do? Do you think I should contact him or continue to my 30days NC from the last time I texted him? Also, we’ve been together near 6 years I’m just scared that I’m just going to push him away more or thinks that I don’t care or miss him anymore, to top it off it worries me because he says he just doesn’t want to be in a relationship for at least a few months or years!

  6. Avatar

    Joy

    June 14, 2019 at 7:14 pm

    Hi Chris,
    I feel like I’m in a complicated situation…my boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for almost two years now(although we have dated for 7years in total). He broke up with me late last year, I implemented the no contact rule, he came back…we were together for five months thereabout(although the emotional connection wasn’t the way i wanted) and we started working towards being together soon; it was a work in progress but May ending, he said he’s feelings didnt improve, he doesn’t have the right feelings for me anymore and not sure about settling with me (cos he’s scared feelings might not improve when we get together). I called few days later to make him realise I’m not down for back and forth and I’ll have to move on, he said he understands and concluded we have grown apart…he still contacts to check on me and i answer according to my discretion although I have not initiated contact. I am not sure if i should intiate total no contact or just receive contact from him. I’m anticipating your reply.Thanks. P.S: I’m still processing getting closer to where he is though it’s not solely because of him…

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      June 14, 2019 at 8:34 pm

      Hi Joy….I think you will be able to heal and move on to your self recovery activities better if you were employing No contact. That does not prevent him from coming back into the picture…but sometimes it takes extended time and space for a guy to realize what is really important to them and to learn to appreciate your growing value.

  7. Avatar

    Rachel

    June 13, 2019 at 12:03 pm

    Me and my boyfriend broke up two weeks ago and have text pretty much every day. In the initial few days it was him sending me funny videos ect but now I feel it’s more me wanting to talk to him.
    We were together for 6 months but it all moved very fast and we just clicked from day one. We broke up on good terms it was just that he wouldn’t fully commit to the relationship and I wanted a fully committed relationship (he has commitment issues) everything was so great though and I miss him so much.
    I’ve read about no contact and I’m wondering if it’s too late to start it and if this is the best option for us? I want him back 🙁

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      June 13, 2019 at 2:43 pm

      I think it would be a good move for you Rachel. I talk about NC in great detail in my Program (EBR PRO Bundle), so give it look!

  8. Avatar

    dean

    June 3, 2019 at 9:38 pm

    Hi, I need an advice regarding my situation. My boyfriend broke up with me second time. We were together for 4 months. We broke up a week ago. I am not sure if I should continue with No Contact rule or not. He broke up with me through Whatsapp by saying he is not ready for relationship and because he doesn`t have a same amount of feelings toward me. First time we broke up because I was neglecting him and taking him for granted. Few days before our last break up we went to the club where he was flirting with some other guy in the club. He even proposed to me that I find someone else in that club to flirt with. I was shocked by the whole situation especially because we had a romantic dinner that night. I didn`t make a scene and told him that he gives me keys so I am going home. We went home that night together. I tried to forget the whole situation but a week after he broke up with me over Whatsapp mentioning that I have repressed what happened in the club that night. The only thing I told him that day was that I believe I am loosing my time with him and that he doesn`t really know what he wants. When he sent me that message that he is breaking up he offered me to meet and talk about it but I ignored his call since I was so pissed off on him because he did it over Whatsapp. I apologized immediately and he said how nice and considerate person I am and that he hopes we will stay friends. I sent him a Thank you letter 2 days after the breakup apologizing for everything and saying that I failed and I don`t deserve him. He never replied. He is occasionally looking at my Instagram stories. Should I ask him to meet and try to figure out what really happened? One more thing, before he was flirting that night he was super jealous on me when I was messaging some other guy without any intention. Many thanks

  9. Avatar

    Robin

    May 28, 2019 at 1:56 am

    Hi….I’m totally confused. Not sure if we broke up. Not a third party. Work and family stress and inwas not supportive I guess as I could have been. He shut down and stop speaking answering texts or calls but I know he reads my text. I asked him to just tell me if he does not want me or the relationship let me know…..first real mishap. He is very stubborn. Very stubborn. I know we still care very deeply but he just won’t say a word to me. Not sure what to do..

  10. Avatar

    Cheska U

    May 18, 2019 at 12:30 pm

    Hi! I love this website! Yeah this NC rule is kind of complicated. I am 4 days into the NC rule but I’m not sure if I should still be doing this until 21 or 30 days because I broke up with him and we’re in a long distance relationship. He’s been messaging me everyday since I started the NC rule. Should I still continue it or should I break it already?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      May 18, 2019 at 11:08 pm

      Yep…so true Cheska….there is a lot to NC, so it helps to have a blueprint on how to deal with it. Check out my Program if you have not had a chance!

  11. Avatar

    Shine

    May 12, 2019 at 4:50 am

    Hi. I and my ex broken near 1 month. She broken up w me because I didn’t spend time for her. After break up few days she is already in new relationship.

    I make mistake that I slept w her while I am trying NC for 5 days. After that I start my NC again, I feel like she is comfortable without my appearance.

    I still feel strong about her even sometimes that I am confused should I take her back or not. We are long distance. My NC is alr for 5 days.

    I miss her every day but today I have a dream about how she left me in the past. It’s so painful for me if we can come back. I am confuse about I want her back or leave for good.

  12. Avatar

    May

    May 7, 2019 at 7:54 pm

    Hey,

    I’ve been doing no contact for 7 days so far. I want to check what the right thing is to do in my situation.
    I was with my ex for over 3 years and generally was quite a calm relationship. I needed some space and handled it badly and I split up with him. Since we have mainly spoke not many days in between and met quite a few times. He’s said he needs space to think after I’d suggested we’d try again. I think it’s right for me to do no contact. There’s no animosity between us but I’ve clearly hurt him. We both care about each other and have said that.

    Do you think no contact is right for me?

    Thank you
    May

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      May 7, 2019 at 8:06 pm

      HI May….yes, I think it will benefit you both. Give him a heads up about it if you see fit. Put the focus on your continued healing/recovery and personal growth.

      There will be opportunities to connect in the future

  13. Avatar

    Sherlee

    May 4, 2019 at 12:44 pm

    I’ve dated my ex for almost 8 months. We have really good chemistry. We’re both physically attracted to each other. But I’ve been getting more needy when the relationship progressed. He says that I take a lot of his time. In addition, I’ve been getting upset with him a lot when I feel like my emotion needs aren’t met. He says I lashed out on him a lot. Also, we don’t communicate well. Both of us are stubborn and don’t listen to each other. He broke up with me. I panicked, I pleaded, and even tried to hold him back with force. But his decision still remains. He said he’s still physically attracted to but he’s repulsed by me at the emotional attraction. We communicate and compromised to stay as friends for a month then decide to leave it or break it. I didn’t talk to him for about a week and a half. I guess I was starting the no contact but failed when he reached out (it was his birthday and we planned for something way in advance for that). He said he has a strong emotional connection with me and don’t want to lose me as his best friend. So he insist that we start as friend and maybe work our way into a new relationship because the relationship we were in was hurting him and he needed to feel safe. After a week and a half of no contact, I ended things for good. But I never gave this “being friends” thing a chance. What should I do at this point? Should I implement another no contact or should I try to be his friend so he can see that I am willing to improve? If the later, how do I communicate with him that I am only giving this a try because I want a new relationship with him? I really really want him back as a boyfriend.

  14. Avatar

    slr

    May 4, 2019 at 12:34 pm

    I’ve dated my ex for almost 8 months. We have really good chemistry. We’re both physically attracted to each other. But I’ve been getting more needy when the relationship progressed. He says that I take a lot of his time. In addition, I’ve been getting upset with him a lot when I feel like my emotion needs aren’t met. He says I lashed out on him a lot. Also, we don’t communicate well. Both of us are stubborn and don’t listen to each other. He broke up with me. I panicked, I pleaded, and even tried to hold him back with force. But his decision still remains. I didn’t talk to him for about a week and a half. I guess I was starting the no contact but failed when he reached out (it was his birthday and we planned for something way in advance for that). He said he has a strong emotional connection with me and don’t want to lose me as his best friend. So he insist that we start as friend and maybe work our way into a new relationship because the relationship we were in was hurting him and he needed to feel safe. After a week and a half of no contact, I ended things for good. But I never gave this “being friends” thing a chance. What should I do at this point? I really really want him back as a boyfriend.

  15. Avatar

    Taiwo oluwatobi

    May 2, 2019 at 9:51 pm

    I’m a 22yr old student and a photographer. I met my girlfriend around may/June last year, then we spoke and I immediately fell in love with her but she had a boyfriend in another university I was a junior then while she a freshman. Fortunately for me we live in the same hostel.i respected the fact that she was in a relationship so moved closer to her as a friend later I realized she was suffering in her relationship her boyfriend was a cheat
    We got closer day by day and I was forced to tell her how I felt after a week we officially started dating so I asked to make sure she had ended things with the other guy. She’s a Muslim I’m a Christian while the other guy happened to be a Muslim. we assured me there was nothing between them anymore only to find out on what’s app after I traveled to another due to school research that she traveled to meet the other guy and used a caption on there picture as ” Allah bless him for me because he’s my hero”……I was worried asked questions but she said we’d talk when I returned.
    I returned 3days later only to discover that I’d been fooling myself all along….I ended things with her after 2-3 days but got back again…..she said she loved me but wasn’t sure if her parents would allow her marry a Christian so she decided to do Ishihara (a prayer done in Islam for God’s guidance and direction).
    To cut the long story short she was told by her Alfa after the prayer that her cheating boyfriend was the right one for her, she adhered to the advice and we ended things on a bad note then I found your videos on YouTube with I practiced and it worked effectively…..she came back begging for me to take her back.
    When we got back I soon realized she met a new who happened to be a Muslim…..she was told that the new was a good match by her new Alfa…..I wasn’t comfortable with him calling her late at night so I decided to end things with her and ignored her for 48 hours she then texted me stating that there was nothing between the both of them anymore two weeks ago I found out while going through her what’s app chat that she and this guy had been chatting…..I got annoyed and ended things with her but I tried to change her mind in my little way…..she told me that her dad has insisted in Paris that she would marry a son of his Christian friend but her mom says otherwise …… I told her that was a clear sign that when we’re ready to tie the nuts her dad would be in support but she didn’t listen…..I have been employing the no contact rule for almost two weeks and even blocked her on my what’s app…. She called consecutively for two days and stopped she messaged ones on what’s app before I blocked her……on Easter, she sent a text and I’ve not heard anything from her since then….. wanna know if I can still get her back

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      May 2, 2019 at 10:17 pm

      It sounds like you would benefit from having a solid ex recovery plan. A lot of things have been happening. Take a look at my Program as its designed to help people with their overall breakup situation.

  16. Avatar

    Samantha Avalos

    April 27, 2019 at 7:00 am

    Hi Chris!

    My ex and I have had a cycling relationship for almost 8 years…This time when we broke up we lived together and I just recently moved out. One unique thing about our break up this time is that we both discussed how there is potential for us to get back together after some time apart to figure ourselves out. His friends tell me that he has told them that he wants to work out someday. What does this even mean???
    On day 12 of no contact, he called me and I couldn’t resist answering. He just wanted to catch up and see how I was doing, he mentioned how I was right and that we probably could’ve tried harder on saving our relationship but I tried not to dig deeper into that and move on with our talk. All though we ended on really good terms and still care for each other I told him it was probably not a good idea for us to talk right now. Was that a mistake? Will NC still work for me?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 27, 2019 at 11:34 pm

      Hi Samantha…so you chose to do what felt right at the time. No use for us t analyze it all. But I do think you can continue forward with NC and it can potentially pay off.

  17. Avatar

    Abdul

    April 15, 2019 at 10:12 am

    I had been dating a lady for 3 years. We have been so close despite me sometimes initiating the broke up but she has always tried to work things out with me of which mostly I was breaking up with her because of me being am angry. Two months ago we broke up again and she went on NC then I approached her. But she refusesd to get things right.. after long talk we got back but then we were just like friends..she showed no interest.. I tried and cried several times in front of her expressing how much I love her… but she says we are done..now yesterday I texted her again of which she responded with no interest..seems shes long gone. Is it too late for me to go on NC? PLEASE HELP

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 15, 2019 at 2:25 pm

      Hi Abdul….No I don’t think its too late to implement NC

  18. Avatar

    BecomingAgain

    April 7, 2019 at 10:46 pm

    Hi Chris,
    My live-in boyfriend of two years recently broke up with me. Our relationship was a perfect mountain peak – great up to the point of moving in a year in, then after moving in we constantly bickered and argued over inane stuff causing it to go downhill. I had thoughts of breaking up but ultimately felt like we could work on things because we once were so great together. He decided to pull the plug and said that he didn’t think he’d regret the decision and that it’s for the best. We lived together for two weeks after our break up, during which we were civil with each other. Two weeks after he moved out, he contacted me to ask me not to talk to his family anymore (which I had). I was angry and felt that he was being controlling, so we got in one last argument on the phone. That was three weeks ago. Today I saw him back on dating apps. Does that mean he has given up? Is there any hope for another chance? If yes, then when does no contact start? The break up? The move out? The last phone conversation? Thanks in advance!

  19. Avatar

    Tina

    April 7, 2019 at 5:19 pm

    Hey!

    My breakup seems a little different to most so I am not entirely sure whether no contact is any good. My ex broke up with me a week ago because he said that he didn’t think our future was compatible with his future plans – I believe this was mainly because of how I was too clingy and made him believe that he couldn’t do this thing which is really important to him. He suggested himself that it was best not to talk for a bit after the breakup… And we’ve more or less been sticking to that so far. The thing is, he said he still loves me and always will when he broke up but he just cannot give up on his dreams for me. I want to show him that he doesn’t have to do that. Should I do NC first?

  20. Avatar

    Bea

    April 1, 2019 at 9:46 pm

    Hey, me and my ex broke up four days ago. We have been arguing a lot and I think both of us although fighting to stay together just ended up exhausted. I spent the last three days wallowing and crying and seeing friends but today is the fourth day and I’m feeling a bit more positive. I feel like although I’m still in love with him and hope to rekindle what we had I’m also exhausted and tired of fighting. We had a very passionate relationship and for the most part very respectful and loving but the niggly arguments got worse and worse over recent months. When we broke up we spent four hours in the phone talking. Me apologising saying I don’t want to loose him from my life and hoping he. Would consider trying to fix it. He said he was still in love with me, part of him wanted to be with me but he had no energy to fix it anymore and didn’t want to be with me. He said he didn’t think he’d change his mind but he believed in fate and if we were meant to be we would be one day. He said we weren’t compatible and in the future he thought it would go back to arguing even if we fixed it now. He cried an awful lot on the phone and at the end of the call we were almost chatting normally about my dog, his holiday, our sex life and he didn’t want to come off the phone. Very confusing.. It’s been four days and he’s just texted me to tell me he’s arranged for my things to be sent by courier and he’s moving back to Spain tomorrow (this was planned. We were meant to be going together ) and that he hopes I’m ok. I didn’t reply as I really want to implement no contact but I don’t know if I should of said thank you as I don’t want to come across as a bitch as we didn’t leave it on bad terms the last time we spoke (the day we broke up) please advise if I continue with no contact and improve myself or should I have just said ‘thank you’ By the way love the programme!

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 1, 2019 at 10:23 pm

      Thanks Bea…the Program can help a lot of people! I think NC is the path to follow. But you can give your ex a little heads up that you are trying to find a quiet space and place to reflect and work on some things.

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