It’s always a daunting task to try to get an ex back who lost feelings for you.

Your memory is plagued with these moments where the two of you were inseparable.

Whispering “I Love You’s” at every conceivable moment.

But things are different now.

Your ex may have told you to leave them alone.

That they hate you.

That they never loved you.

It’s devastating.

You may have even believed them but I’m here to tell you that if you want your ex to regain their past feelings for you there are three concepts I need you to understand.

That’s what this article is about.

3 Concepts To Help Make Your Ex Have Feelings For You Again

Having an ex lose feelings for you sucks.

But that’s only because you are a little ignorant about how it all works.

I mean, how many people actually sit down and think about the inner workings of their feelings when things are going well?

In my experience with working with hundreds of clients it’s rare.

But what if I were to tell you that there are really three key concepts you need to understand to “spark feelings” again?

Would you be interested in reading about that?

  1. First Understand The Good Feelings Vs. Bad Feelings Theory
  2. Second Understand The 11 Factors Of Love
  3. Finally, Understand Story Theory

I don’t expect you to understand what any of these things mean.

That’s why I am here.

Is This Process A Waste Of Your Time?
Find Out Here

Concept #1: The Good Feelings Vs. Bad Feelings Theory

Let’s set aside the “big picture” question of your ex losing feelings for you for a moment and simply talk about human beings in general.

I started this website back in 2012 when I was 22 years old.

I’m 28 now.

In those six years I’ve witnessed fascinating and horrifying things.

I’ve coached people at their best and also at their worst.

If you were to ask me what I’ve learned in my tenure here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery I’d simply say,

Human beings are drawn to things that make them feel good and repel things that make them feel bad.

I’ve never met one sane person where this hasn’t been the case.

Essentially it works like this,

Here’s where things get fascinating.

Even if we understand on a logical level that something is “bad” for us we can still be drawn to it if it makes us feel bad.

All that matters here are feelings.

So, when we look at the question at hand I think there is a misconception that goes on in most breakups.

People think that feelings are lost.

I’m not sure it works that way.

The peak-end rule states that human beings remember an experience based on two distinct points,

The peak, which is the most intense and satisfying part of the experience and the end which is the closest part of the experience for us.

Most people who experience breakups have pretty bitter feelings by the end.

If that is all your ex remembers when they look back on their time with you then it would make sense your ex would run away from you because they run away from things that make them feel bad.

I’m not sure it’s a relevant question to ask,

“Why did my ex lose feelings for me?”

More accurately it’s all about then running away from something that makes them feel good.

Remember this concept because you’ll find that it’s an important “through line” for everything that we talk about from this point on.

Concept #2: The 11 Factors Of Love

Around three months ago I filmed an important video for my YouTube channel where I talked about the concept of love and how it really worked.

I explain that what we perceive as “love” is nothing more than a set of chemicals being released by our brain.

So, it stands to reason that if we can understand the cause of these chemicals we can come close to “reverse engineering” love and it can help us big time create those “good feelings” we want so badly.

Upon some intense research I identified eleven factors that make a difference at creating the following chemicals,

  • Dopamine
  • Norepinephrine
  • Serotonin
  • Oxytocin
  • CRF Hormone
  • CRF Receptors
  • Vasopressin

All of these chemicals have been associated with love.

What helps create these chemicals is the following eleven factors,

  1. Similarities
  2. Familiarity
  3. Desirable Characteristics
  4. Reciprocation
  5. Social Influence
  6. Fulfilling Needs
  7. Environment
  8. Specific Cues or Particular Features
  9. Readiness
  10. Alone Time
  11. Mystery

Now, usually what I do for articles is go above and beyond when it comes to explaining things so I’d typically take each of these eleven factors and explain what they were all about.

But I’m not going to do that.


Well, if you look above you’ll see a video entitled “11 Ways To Make Your Ex Fall In Love With You Again.”

I literally explain each of these eleven factors in detail in that video.

I don’t want to be derivative.

Here’s what I will do for you.

I’ve explained this concept of the eleven factors many times to my clients and have witnessed them create lists like this,

Where they list out all the things they think they have done with their exes and highlight the areas that they need improvement on.

I think you should do the same thing.

And to make your life easier I’ve created a pdf version of this list for you to print out and do just that.

Download The PDF 11 Factors Of Love Checklist Here

Let’s move on and talk about another really cool concept.

Concept #3: Story Theory

Stories are addicting.

There is nothing more powerful and captivating than a good story.


TV Shows…

Comic Books…


These are all vehicles in which you can consume or tell a story.

One thing that always remains the same is the story itself.

A great story has certain elements that make it great.

And I think my biggest issue is that when I work with clients they fail to understand that they are literally in the midst of creating a story with their ex.

The ending hasn’t been written yet but with each passing day it gets closer.

If you want your ex to feel good and be drawn to you then it’s important to understand something I like to call Story Theory.

What Is Story Theory? 

Have you ever read a book that was so addicting it plagued your thoughts throughout the day and you couldn’t think of anything else.

All you wanted to do was just to continue reading the book.

I have and let me tell you that this feeling of “being addicted and consumed” by a story is very similar to love.

It’s always how I personally reacted when I’ve come across someone that I’ve fallen in love with.

What if these two concepts were mutually exclusive?

What if understanding the keys to a great story helped you better understand how to make your ex have strong feelings for you?

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking at what makes a story great lately and think I’ve settled on something revolutionary.

Great stories create multiple emotions.

Most stories go “all in” on one type of emotion.

Take “horror movies” for example.

If you take an awful movie like Leprechaun and look at its many problems,

The one thing that really sticks out is that all this movie does is try to scare you.

That is it.

Look, I like being scared as much as the next guy and I think many movies can do this easily but does “being scared” equate to a great story?

In my opinion, no.

If I look at my favorite stories they always seek to create multiple emotions in me or when they do go all in on one type of emotion they do such a good job at it that it’s all I can think about.

Most of my favorite stories,

  • Make me laugh
  • Make me cry
  • Make me scared
  • Make me angry
  • Make me shocked
  • Make me giddy

They try to run the spectrum of emotions and it makes me feel alive.

I get to experience emotions I rarely do in my everyday life and that is something I appreciate.

Life is all about living.

All about feeling alive.

Here’s my point.

If all you are doing when you are with your ex is making them feel one thing you are setting yourself up for disaster.

Instead, when they are with you they need to feel alive.

They need to run the spectrum of emotions excluding bad feeling ones.

That is the one fly in the ointment when it comes to story theory.

For me, I like going to a movie that makes me feel sad. I like connecting with a character that much.

But in real life, making your ex feel sad goes against the good feelings vs. bad feelings theory.

So, to compensate you will need to only focus on positive or exciting emotions.

21 thoughts on “My Ex Lost Feelings For Me”

  1. Avatar

    Rachel VanDusen

    February 19, 2019 at 9:20 pm

    my ex and I were together for 6 months, he lived 2 hours away. We were so in love with each other we both felt that we found the one. He would call every morning, and then in the evening until we went to bed unless the other had plans with a friend ect. This lasted 6 months. We only saw each other on the weekends we would alternate every other driving back and fourth it worked great. He has never lived alone he had 2 roommates who were his best friends who recently moved out. One of them was like a brother to him and cut him out of his life almost completely once he got into a very unhealthy relationship with a girl. He had not lived there for quite some time but moved back in for 2 days around New Years making my ex SO happy to have his friend back. After he abruptly left I noticed my ex becoming very lonely/depressed he even told me he was lonely and missed them so much. He sleeps a TON, he cant even get to work on time lately because he over sleeps. He has no motivation to go to the gym ect, lots of insecurities. He and I had a great relationship we never fought and had a ton of fun together although I know he misses his old “bro” life. Within the past week he was saying he loved me and talking about moving here, he had a job opportunity here. I was packed up to go to his family’s place in the Adirondacks, he had talked about bringing his headphones and everything 2 days before. I got a random text 1 night later that he had a nightmare which does happen, he has anxiety and gets in his head. He said he cried for 5 hours and had a mental breakdown. He realized that he didnt love me as much as I loved him. He said his feelings changed for me starting about 2 weeks ago but he tried to ignore it. Exactly 2 weeks ago we came home and all of his roommates stuff was gone, he had moved everything out. He told me he loved me the day before and then after this nightmare decided I’m not the one anymore. We knew eachother’s family’s and everything. within the past 2 weeks he was talking about marking my calendar for a memorial day party with his family ect, we also had plans for me to go on his family vacation to Florida in a month. He broke up with me 4 days ago and I have not heard anything since then. He drove 2.5 hours to break up with me in person and sobbed the whole time saying he was a broken and lost person but he seemed adament about ending things. He said he didn’t see it moving forward. He kept saying what is wrong with me? I prayed for you and I wont find anyone better then you, why dont I want it? I am so messed up. He lost his best friends at the same time, his job isn’t going well, he has gained some weight, he is living alone for the first time ever, having anxiety about turning 30, looking at a new job in a new city, leaving his family and selling his house to move here. Everything hit all at once and I think he may have balled it all together and convinced himself he doesn’t have feelings for me anymore. He said his head tells him that this is exactly what he wants/needs but his heart just isn’t in it anymore. He gave me back my things and then drove 2.5 hours back home. He changed his relationship/picture on facebook the next day. How can I get him back?

  2. Avatar


    December 15, 2018 at 10:29 am

    Hey…my ex boyfriend broke up with me 4months ago and told me that he had lost all his feelings towards me he also said that I was no longer attractive to him and that I should just move on.
    .after one week he came back again and told me that he really loves me and wants me but he doesn’t want to hurt me and he needs to be alone…I choose to stay away since he wanted to be alone..yesterday he texted me and told me that what we had can’t work and he’s sorry for hurting me..I still love him and want him I don’t know what to do please help me

  3. Avatar


    December 10, 2018 at 5:21 pm

    me and my ex dated from september in a long distance relationship but everything was so serious he came to my country visit my parents tried to impressed them and even asked me to move with him
    and 2 weeks ago was my birthday showed me to his parents celebrate my birthday bouth the best gift and suddenly said i think im dont love you like the first days ( and i know he have a lot work problems and he tried to hide them from me )

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      December 10, 2018 at 11:20 pm

      Hi Hila! Seems odd that he would just pull out and away from the relationship suddenly. I wonder if the stress of work is clouding his judgement.

  4. Avatar


    December 3, 2018 at 9:39 am

    Hi Chris,I just broke up with my ex recently and I’m thinking of applying the NC rule. Is it okay if I keep updating my social media to let him see that I’m okay without him so that he will miss me while doing the NC rule?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      December 3, 2018 at 9:30 pm

      Hi Stacy! Yes, that is the ideal way of rolling out NC as that can slowly build interest and re-attraction. Do you have my 485 page eBook, “Pro”? If not, go take a look at it as it will help you immensely!

  5. Avatar


    November 21, 2018 at 9:41 pm

    Me and my boyfriend were together for 9 years we have a two year old son he relocated from our homestate to move to Florida me and our son are still located in our homestate we had plans on us moving down with him and being a family things changed in April we constantly got into it and he stated he didn’t want to be with me anymore and some other hurtful things we’ve been apart for about 8 months he some days it seems as if he hates me and someday he will talk with me when he FaceTimes our son he has a lot of hot and cold days we fight a lot since I won’t allow our son to go down to Florida with him as a first time mother I’m not comfortable with sending him out there since he’s so young my hope is that we can work things out but it’s hard when he won’t talk about the relationship not sure what I should do

  6. Avatar


    November 21, 2018 at 1:50 pm

    So my ex left out of nowhere. He told me that the last month was a lie even though he constantly told me he loved me and everything. We fought a lot after because I was emotional and he was suddenly with a new girl (with school I have to see him all the time.) He kept telling me he didn’t leave for another girl but I didn’t believe him. He fought some more and he said the most hurtful things. Now this is where I really hated my emotions. Cause I wanted to be angry and hate him but ultimately I don’t think I can, I’m just hurt. So I did no contact for a month and he has his new girlfriend. I don’t think it’s a rebound since he claims he was over us before he left. Last night we talked and it was so weird. I expected him to lash out and hurt me again but instead he was super cordial. It was like talking to a logical robot. He made it very clear that I’m amazing and attractive and that my personality is great. But if that’s true how’d he “fall out of love?” I won’t say that I’m the easiest girlfriend ever, but he knew that from the very beginning. We met and it was instant connection. We joked around for a while last night and he got slightly less robotic sounding. He talked about missing kissing (his new girlfriend is very innocent) and doing things and that led to more joking. Then we ended it cause it was super late. He had made it clear he doesn’t see us getting back together and even though he originally wanted to be friends he didn’t wanna put time into a friendship. I don’t think I could handle just friendship anyway. Later that night I was thinking and then wondering if he was just pitying me. I know I should move on but I’m stuck on him. First guy I’ve ever truly unconditionally loved. I just don’t know where to go from here.

  7. Avatar

    Carolyn Hollingworth

    November 21, 2018 at 9:12 am

    Hi I’ve been ghosted by ex and blocked and had no contact since August.I tried texting him a few weeks ago but no reply it’s heart breaking.It all seems so hopeless to me.Ive spent the time on myself…I had too ,but I think about him daily.He just seems so cold.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      November 22, 2018 at 3:53 am

      Hi Carolyn… I know that is awfully disappointing when an ex resorts to ghosting. Have you considered NC?

  8. Avatar


    November 21, 2018 at 12:59 am

    My ex and I split up about 3 months ago. Every now and again, she gives me hope that there could still be something there. Other times she can be quite cold which no matter how positive I try to be makes me think I’m more of a problem than I realise.
    We talked a couple of weeks ago and she seemed pleased that I was able to point out and accept my short commings even though she took all the blame initially. We do still talk occasionally but like I said I’m starting to feel like more of a burden. I don’t know what to do now.

  9. Avatar


    November 20, 2018 at 5:30 pm

    My ex told me 2 months ago that he didn’t love me and broke up with me. It was a GREAT relationship, I don’t even know where “I don’t love you” came from. I tried to persuade him to not break up, but when he confirmed he wanted out I let go. It’s been 2 months and he hasn’t reached out. What do I do?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      November 20, 2018 at 9:53 pm

      Hi Gea!

      Yeah….I hear you.. Some guys can be incredibly dense. Maybe he will have his wake up call, but don’t assume that. Go forward with your own healing and recovery and working on being the best “you”. There are many paths for you.

  10. Avatar


    November 20, 2018 at 8:26 am

    My exboyfriend broke up with me 2 months ago and it was a long distance break up. Do these concepts still work in this case?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      November 20, 2018 at 10:01 pm

      Hi Ellis!

      Yes, they can, but every situation is unique. But the principles and concepts and strategies apply across a wide spectrum of ex recovery situations. Just go to my home page of this site and explore the resources and tools, tapping into the material that can help you!

  11. Avatar


    November 20, 2018 at 6:42 am

    ill be honest my ex and i are very confusing. we dated for a year and broke up because i left for college. we still loved eachother but knew it was right thing. still talked and hungout when i was home (which was a lot more than most) after a while he finally blocked everything of mine and we didnt talk for 2 months. he reached out to me last week and have been talking since every single day. i came home and we hungout etc but says he still just wants to be friends but talks to me all the time now, talks about guys asking im jealous to make me confused even tho he could be jealous one. look i dont want to lose him but also im very unsure where this is even going if it would. ever. any thoughts ??

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      November 20, 2018 at 10:05 pm

      Hi Isabel!

      I think you will do better if you have a Companion Guide that helps you through this process. Check out my eBook Pro as one option. My site has a lot of content that can help you.

  12. Avatar


    November 20, 2018 at 4:24 am

    We have never contacted for 5 months and the last time we contacted, we haf a huge fight. I cursed him and told him i would never want to see him again. He is inlove with someone else. Idk how to establish a good relationship again.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      November 20, 2018 at 10:06 pm

      Hi Cassy!

      Ouch…it sounds like you guys are still struggling. Maybe time to start no contact. Read about it on my site. Pick up one of my guides to help you through all this!

  13. Avatar

    Tarolyn Mahone

    November 20, 2018 at 12:02 am

    My ex boyfriend told me he needed space after being together for the whole weekend. Said he needed to figure out if this is what he really wanted and he also had some issues from his past he can’t seem to get over. I’ve started the NC rule, it’s been a week and he hasn’t said a word to me, no call, no text. I just don’t want to lose him.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      November 20, 2018 at 1:36 am

      Just stay the course Tarolyn as I describe in my Program! Many elements to NC.

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