It’s always a daunting task to try to get an ex back who lost feelings for you.

Your memory is plagued with these moments where the two of you were inseparable.

Whispering “I Love You’s” at every conceivable moment.

But things are different now.

Your ex may have told you to leave them alone.

That they hate you.

That they never loved you.

It’s devastating.

You may have even believed them but I’m here to tell you that if you want your ex to regain their past feelings for you there are three concepts I need you to understand.

That’s what this article is about.

3 Concepts To Help Make Your Ex Have Feelings For You Again

Having an ex lose feelings for you sucks.

But that’s only because you are a little ignorant about how it all works.

I mean, how many people actually sit down and think about the inner workings of their feelings when things are going well?

In my experience with working with hundreds of clients it’s rare.

But what if I were to tell you that there are really three key concepts you need to understand to “spark feelings” again?

Would you be interested in reading about that?

  1. First Understand The Good Feelings Vs. Bad Feelings Theory
  2. Second Understand The 11 Factors Of Love
  3. Finally, Understand Story Theory

I don’t expect you to understand what any of these things mean.

That’s why I am here.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

Concept #1: The Good Feelings Vs. Bad Feelings Theory

Let’s set aside the “big picture” question of your ex losing feelings for you for a moment and simply talk about human beings in general.

I started this website back in 2012 when I was 22 years old.

I’m 28 now.

In those six years I’ve witnessed fascinating and horrifying things.

I’ve coached people at their best and also at their worst.

If you were to ask me what I’ve learned in my tenure here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery I’d simply say,

Human beings are drawn to things that make them feel good and repel things that make them feel bad.

I’ve never met one sane person where this hasn’t been the case.

Essentially it works like this,

Here’s where things get fascinating.

Even if we understand on a logical level that something is “bad” for us we can still be drawn to it if it makes us feel bad.

All that matters here are feelings.

So, when we look at the question at hand I think there is a misconception that goes on in most breakups.

People think that feelings are lost.

I’m not sure it works that way.

The peak-end rule states that human beings remember an experience based on two distinct points,

The peak, which is the most intense and satisfying part of the experience and the end which is the closest part of the experience for us.

Most people who experience breakups have pretty bitter feelings by the end.

If that is all your ex remembers when they look back on their time with you then it would make sense your ex would run away from you because they run away from things that make them feel bad.

I’m not sure it’s a relevant question to ask,

“Why did my ex lose feelings for me?”

More accurately it’s all about then running away from something that makes them feel good.

Remember this concept because you’ll find that it’s an important “through line” for everything that we talk about from this point on.

Concept #2: The 11 Factors Of Love

Around three months ago I filmed an important video for my YouTube channel where I talked about the concept of love and how it really worked.

I explain that what we perceive as “love” is nothing more than a set of chemicals being released by our brain.

So, it stands to reason that if we can understand the cause of these chemicals we can come close to “reverse engineering” love and it can help us big time create those “good feelings” we want so badly.

Upon some intense research I identified eleven factors that make a difference at creating the following chemicals,

  • Dopamine
  • Norepinephrine
  • Serotonin
  • Oxytocin
  • CRF Hormone
  • CRF Receptors
  • Vasopressin

All of these chemicals have been associated with love.

What helps create these chemicals is the following eleven factors,

  1. Similarities
  2. Familiarity
  3. Desirable Characteristics
  4. Reciprocation
  5. Social Influence
  6. Fulfilling Needs
  7. Environment
  8. Specific Cues or Particular Features
  9. Readiness
  10. Alone Time
  11. Mystery

Now, usually what I do for articles is go above and beyond when it comes to explaining things so I’d typically take each of these eleven factors and explain what they were all about.

But I’m not going to do that.

Why?

Well, if you look above you’ll see a video entitled “11 Ways To Make Your Ex Fall In Love With You Again.”

I literally explain each of these eleven factors in detail in that video.

I don’t want to be derivative.

Here’s what I will do for you.

I’ve explained this concept of the eleven factors many times to my clients and have witnessed them create lists like this,

Where they list out all the things they think they have done with their exes and highlight the areas that they need improvement on.

I think you should do the same thing.

And to make your life easier I’ve created a pdf version of this list for you to print out and do just that.

Download The PDF 11 Factors Of Love Checklist Here

Let’s move on and talk about another really cool concept.

Concept #3: Story Theory

Stories are addicting.

There is nothing more powerful and captivating than a good story.

Movies…

TV Shows…

Comic Books…

Books…

These are all vehicles in which you can consume or tell a story.

One thing that always remains the same is the story itself.

A great story has certain elements that make it great.

And I think my biggest issue is that when I work with clients they fail to understand that they are literally in the midst of creating a story with their ex.

The ending hasn’t been written yet but with each passing day it gets closer.

If you want your ex to feel good and be drawn to you then it’s important to understand something I like to call Story Theory.

What Is Story Theory? 

Have you ever read a book that was so addicting it plagued your thoughts throughout the day and you couldn’t think of anything else.

All you wanted to do was just to continue reading the book.

I have and let me tell you that this feeling of “being addicted and consumed” by a story is very similar to love.

It’s always how I personally reacted when I’ve come across someone that I’ve fallen in love with.

What if these two concepts were mutually exclusive?

What if understanding the keys to a great story helped you better understand how to make your ex have strong feelings for you?

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking at what makes a story great lately and think I’ve settled on something revolutionary.

Great stories create multiple emotions.

Most stories go “all in” on one type of emotion.

Take “horror movies” for example.

If you take an awful movie like Leprechaun and look at its many problems,

The one thing that really sticks out is that all this movie does is try to scare you.

That is it.

Look, I like being scared as much as the next guy and I think many movies can do this easily but does “being scared” equate to a great story?

In my opinion, no.

If I look at my favorite stories they always seek to create multiple emotions in me or when they do go all in on one type of emotion they do such a good job at it that it’s all I can think about.

Most of my favorite stories,

  • Make me laugh
  • Make me cry
  • Make me scared
  • Make me angry
  • Make me shocked
  • Make me giddy

They try to run the spectrum of emotions and it makes me feel alive.

I get to experience emotions I rarely do in my everyday life and that is something I appreciate.

Life is all about living.

All about feeling alive.

Here’s my point.

If all you are doing when you are with your ex is making them feel one thing you are setting yourself up for disaster.

Instead, when they are with you they need to feel alive.

They need to run the spectrum of emotions excluding bad feeling ones.

That is the one fly in the ointment when it comes to story theory.

For me, I like going to a movie that makes me feel sad. I like connecting with a character that much.

But in real life, making your ex feel sad goes against the good feelings vs. bad feelings theory.

So, to compensate you will need to only focus on positive or exciting emotions.

What to Read Next

How To Get Your Ex To Initiate Contact With You

By Chris Seiter | 0 comments

Why Does My Ex Talk To Me And Then Ignore Me?

By Chris Seiter | 0 comments

How To Make Him Want You Back

By Chris Seiter | 0 comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

56 thoughts on “My Ex Lost Feelings For Me”

  1. Avatar

    Lucia

    May 19, 2020 at 9:13 pm

    My boyfriend and I dated exactly one year. In the end of our relationship I became extremely jealous causing him to push him away. He says he lost feelings for me but we are trying to see if we become a “thing” again (you know be exclusive and date) I really wanna get back together. We’ve talked through text since the break up. He is an amazing person and I hurt him causing this. What can I do? How can I get him to have feelings for me again?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 20, 2020 at 8:19 pm

      Hi Lucia, you need to complete a 30 day No Contact and work on yourself, specifically the reason you felt the need to become jealous in the first place

  2. Avatar

    Ann

    April 29, 2020 at 5:21 pm

    My boyfriend broke up with me in March, all of a sudden. We went to dinner and when he dropped me off he told me he lost feelings. He said he thought about it for a week or 2, and he just didn’t feel the same way anymore. My heart shattered because we had such a healthy relationship, and I broke down. A few weeks before, he said he was in a rut and felt stuck, and I told him he could talk to me about it, but he didn’t even know why he felt down. After the breakup, I texted to check in on how he was feeling, and I texted him a couple times because I could not cope with the fact I lost him. We texted each other and it ended up with both of us being mad at each other, and I know neither or us meant to say what we did, but we have not reached back out to each other. We did not block each other on anything and we can still see each others’ posts. There were things that we disagreed on in our relationship, however they never got in the way of us. I want to meet with him and explain that I am not mad, and that I have changed as a person, but I do not know when the time is right and I know that will not change anything.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 6, 2020 at 7:12 pm

      Hi Ann, there is no need to meet and explain yourself. You need to go into a No Contact and start working the program, avoiding any contact with him or replying to him. You need to avoid watching his social media activity too. This is going to help you get over the break up and us this time to focus on yourself and to be come Ungettable

  3. Avatar

    Vivian Onnembo

    April 17, 2020 at 5:14 pm

    Hi so me and my boyfriend broke up about 3 weeks ago. He was/ is my world. We dated officially for 6 months but we were “talking” for 3 months before that because we barely saw each other and he was scared because I would be his first relationship. I was his first everything (even kiss). Even during the talking stage, we texted throughout the day and facetimed every night for hours. He literally made me so happy and I know I did too. He made me feel like the most special girl in the world and it was the highlight of both of our days to facetime because during the school year we went to schools 15 minutes away. It was perfect and I saw him every weekend since September. Every time we saw each other it was amazing and we had so much fun doing things like wrestling, watching movies, cuddling, and kissing. It was just perfect. I have so many videos of us playing around and making fun of each other. But the way he looked at me idk, I just knew he loved me. We even waited till like our 2 months of dating to say it because that is when we felt it. The only real problem in the relationship was that I was scared to let him in because I was cheated on in the past. He would get so mad sometimes because I would just cry and get insecure when I felt myself be vulnerable. He promised he would never ever hurt me and the way he said it, I just had to believe it. I even would tell him how scared I was that he was gonna lose feelings for me or just “get bored” and he promised he wouldn’t and I honestly believed him. But, I was so scared that sometimes I couldn’t help but say things like “maybe we should talk a little less because I don’t want to be too dependant when you leave” and he made me sound so stupid for saying things like that. I know I shouldn’t have said it and sometimes it would make him upset so at that moment I would take it back and tell him how much I love him. The last time we hung out was March 14, and I vividly remember laying on his couch and him kissing my cheeks all over, calling me beautiful and squeezing me tight and saying he loves me. Then we couldn’t see each other because of this quarantine. We still talked during the day but less than normal but we still facetimed every night for hours. He even talked about how excited he was to pick me up in his car and for me to meet his whole family down the shore. He was talking about the future and everything. Something was going on with his family during this though and he wouldn’t let me help. The night before he broke up with me he still was talking about how excited he was for summer with me said goodnight gorgeous I love you before falling asleep on the phone. When he broke up with me I felt as if my heart was being ripped out of my chest. I begged him to stay or wait till we could work it out in person but he was stubborn and said he was “losing the connection” and that he all of a sudden did not want a relationship. His own friends were so confused and they all think he still has feelings. He still is adamant on keeping me in his life and wants to keep the Snapchat streak and still see me over the summer. In fact, the other day I was texting him saying that I might not see him over the summer just to mess with him and he was like getting upset and was like flirting with me saying he will sit at my house until I come out. Also after not contacting him for the whole day he confronted me about posting a pic of my guy friend and was like getting angry. I just don’t get it. I literally love him so much and I just want him back. The last time I talked to him was yesterday and the text convo ended with me sobbing because all he has given me are “I don’t knows.” He even said that the nine months meant something to him but they didn’t anymore. I said goodbye but honestly that broke me. I just don’t understand. I would do anything to get him back. I know it is not other girls because he literally offered to let me log into his snapchat and everything. He is also extremely picky and I am the first girl he has ever had feelings for. He was/is a great guy and we were great together. I don’t know what happened. What do I do?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 24, 2020 at 7:12 pm

      Hi Vivian, so the first thing you need to do is spend some time following the rules of no contact, where you focus on yourself. As much as it is a cliche to hear, you should be your whole world, not a partner. You are in control of your happiness no one else. So your goal during NC is to learn to be happy in your life without them in it. Then reach out to your ex after 30 days with the texts that Chris suggests

  4. Avatar

    A

    April 10, 2020 at 7:36 pm

    Hi,
    My ex boyfriend broke up with me last night saying I was more mature than he was because I knew what I wanted in life and he didn’t. I just graduated in December with a successful job and he’s supposed to be graduating in May. He’s moving to a city that’s 300 miles away. We dated for a year and a half but I went through the same thing he’s going through. I broke up with him in October and instantly realized I wanted him back in my life. I followed EBR’s steps and we got back together and everything was great living in different cities. Then he said started feeling this way about 2 weeks ago when he visited me. He ghosted me for a week to “get space and think through things”. He doesn’t know what he wants before graduation. I handled the break up very well and just told him I respect his decision. I also said we could catch up this summer at a mutual wedding we have, he said he would “really like that”. I really thought he was the one so I’m planning on really sticking to NC. I’m just wondering if you think he’ll come around or he really just didn’t see me as the “one”.

  5. Avatar

    Esther

    April 1, 2020 at 5:58 am

    Hi. My ex bf broke up with me 10months ago. We were in relationship for 4 years. He says he doesn’t love me anymore and he got a new gf who loves him more and cares about him. We brokeup very badly.i begged pleaded and forced him to leave her. The more I did more he became stubborn. He said I didn’t respect and love him when he was with me. I badly want him back in my life. Is there any chance for making him commit to me?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 2, 2020 at 10:52 pm

      Hi Esther, there is not way to force someone to commit to you, but you can work on yourself enough to make your ex look at you in a different way, this begins with a No Contact and from what you have said above, it would need to be 45 days. One because you become emotional and two because he has met someone else and we need their honeymoon phase to pass. You need to work on your emotional control and learn to compose yourself when you are upset. Read about the Holy Trinity and apply this to yourself, then look into the being there method ready for when you are going to reach out to your ex at the end of the 45 NC

  6. Avatar

    Ellie

    March 28, 2020 at 12:56 pm

    I was with my boyfriend for over a year and he broke up with me over text saying he isn’t in love with me anymore and we can be friends. I begged and pleaded for a week but he blocked me on all social media platforms. We’d been through a lot in our relationship and we loved each other very much. I started no contact a week ago and I haven’t heard anything since. I put something up on my Snapchat story yesterday and saw he’d viewed it meaning that was the only thing he hadn’t blocked me on but as soon as he viewed it he instantly blocked me. I still love him so much and want him back so bad. Is there any realistic chance of this happening? Only a week before the breakup he was telling me that he loves me and 2 weeks before that how happy he is with me.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 29, 2020 at 9:52 pm

      Hi Ellie, so there is a chance of course but it is important that you work on yourself during this period of NC. Read about the Holy Trinity on this website and apply this to your life as best you can. Give your ex some space and some time to miss you

  7. Avatar

    Anashia Prior

    March 22, 2020 at 3:44 pm

    So my boyfriend broke up with me 4 days ago. We’ve been together for about 2 years. And we have been through a lot and we’re in a long distance relationship but we always seemed to work it out before. When I went to visit him about a week ago our energy wasn’t the same I wasn’t being myself I had a lot on my mind and he started pulling away. We got in our first argument and after that it was hard to be comfortable around each other. I asked if he wanted to break up and he said no he just thought me being there would be different. So when I got back home after a day i tried telling him why I wasn’t being myself and can we just move past the argument but he said no being around me more made him lose interest. I tried to talk him out of it by text for about 2 days then I just cut all contact cause he wasn’t trying to understand. I’m just confused in our relationship I’ve wanted to break up because he wasn’t being himself but I would tell him and we’d talk and get over it so why couldn’t he do the same for me this one time. I love him so much I want him back although i feel he doesn’t deserve me I can’t stop thinking about him.

  8. Avatar

    Kelly

    March 4, 2020 at 4:09 am

    Hey, my ex said he lost feelings for me because I stifled him and he can’t be his individual self. He says he’s too young to be so committed and he just doesn’t love me anymore. He told me all that we needed To work on and one of the things he mentioned is that we should not be texting each other as much as we did Since we aren’t teenagers. However, he has been keeping conversations via WhatsApp since then So it has left me confused. Also, I really don’t know if we’re broken up or not, I begged for us to work things out and he agreed but he hasn’t told me if he misses me or loves me or anything. I don’t know if I should initiate the “what are we?” Conversation.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 7, 2020 at 8:31 pm

      Hey Kelly, so if you and he were constantly in contact through the day and then spending time at the end of the day. It takes it toll out of the relationship and gives you less to speak about. Having that time apart during the day is important for when you see each other later in the day. As for where you are right now you need to allow him the space he needs and be less available to him. That way he is chasing you. Don’t be cold with him just not available. If he does end things with you then you need to into an immediate No Contact

  9. Avatar

    Itzel

    February 23, 2020 at 7:51 am

    Me and my boyfriend broke up. We dated about a year. His depression came back after half a month of us dating. There was definitely a diffrence in our relationship. He loved me more then I loved him in the beginning but that all changed when his depression came back I think. He talked about how he was confused and didn’t know what he wanted. He thinks I’m very special so he wanted to keep me in his life if we did end up splitting. He said the feelings would go away and come back. If he saw me he would be happy with my presence. After a few months, he said he wanted to be alone. He doesn’t know what he is doing and just doesnt want to socialize much. He mentioned indirectly that he might have clinical depression. He hasn’t gone to see a therapist at all. I made sure to demonstrate him that I am here for him and willing to put in effort in the relationship and be understanding. After a few months, he stopped trying. I would be the one to tell him to hang out every weekend. A week before I broke with him he said he took advantage of me by thinking ill always be there for him so he wouldn’t put effort to go on dates with me or hang out. He said he cares about me and still wants to see me as friends and I said I can’t do that. I can not be friends with an ex and I made that clear to him. That same day I told him at least he was loyal to me but he said “a week before the breakup I imagined how it would be to have sex with this one girl” cuz I guess she had a nice body. He didn’t do anything with her but talk casual cuz he was still with me. He also said he is not interested in being with another girl now cuz he just wants to do him. He said he is only thinking about him and that its unfair of me to be in the relationship. There was one point we didn’t see each other for a month but we did facetime and texted but he said that he was fine although I was on his mind? He said he just feels nothing but does love me as a friend? I don’t plan to text him anymore and delete him from all social media. Do you think he would come back with his feelings he once had for me? Our relationship was so natural and comfortable. Being together felt right.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 3, 2020 at 10:51 pm

      Hey Itzel, if you complete the No Contact rule and then apply the information about the Holy Trinity then your ex is going to start to remember why he fell for you when you start reaching out again, which is where you work yourself up the value ladder and re attract him

  10. Avatar

    Savannah

    January 29, 2020 at 6:25 pm

    Hi my name is Savannah i’m 21,
    My boyfriend of almost eight months and I just broke up this past thursday… it’s been 5 days… I miss him so much and I’ve cried so much I don’t think I can cry anymore… we’ve been doing long distance the past 4 months but it’s only an hour and a half…. I’ve always checked in on making sure he was okay with it and he said yes… i continually asked him if he still saw a future together and if he still loved me… he never hesitated he always said yes… every now and then I questioned our relationship when I no longer felt the feeling of love or just wholeness together… but I chose to stick it out and in a couple of weeks or once even a month I was fine… those feelings came back and I was fine…. but I never talked to him about it and I should have… recently I found out he had been doing some things that weren’t great and I didn’t like and I felt like he was prioritizing that thing over me and he said he was sorry and would try to make it better and would come see me soon… then two days later I realized he wasn’t going to stop he was just going to hide it… I brought it back up and that’s when he said if I can be with him while he changes we cant be together for the rest of our lives… but the thing was he was changing for the bad not the good… I cried I begged him to work through it… we’d been making plans for valentine’s day… me meeting his coworkers at his new job… we’d even looked at engagement and wedding bands on my birthday a few weeks before… when he ended it that night I called our best friend and cried my eyes out… he told Me my bf had talked to him that night too… said that he would never quit what he was doing for me… then my bf called me back and then said it was the distance but then talking my best friend it wasn’t… saying that he just said it was the distance but in reality he just wasn’t going to stop… I knew it wasn’t the distance it had been so easy for us we handled it sooo well we really did… we saw eachother almost every other weekend… we had also just seen eachother for a month straight… and we’re still making plans for the future… but then his excuse stopped being the distance… on Saturday I took him his things to give back to him… he didn’t answer the door at first cuz he had his head phones on… I had to have his grandma call him to tell him to go to the door… she didn’t even know we’d broken up… he came to the door was surprised and I gave him his stuff we went back to his room… cried and both hugged eachother he just said I deserve better and that I’d find someone else… I just kept telling him I loved him and begged him to work it out… but then his parents came home… he told me it wasn’t my fault and then I left… i we haven’t talked since except once when I messaged him Monday saying I wouldn’t talk to him after this and apologizing for not knowing something went wrong… he again told me it wasn’t my fault… in the last couple days my best friend has been helping me he’s also my bf best friend… he’s been saying how there’s a small chance we could get back together but he’s not sure… how my bf has been sick and is trying to stop doing what he’s doing… how he said he’s trying to get used to being single again and is scared that I hate him and don’t want to be friends anymore… I want to say there’s still hope for us but I’m not sure…

    I don’t want to talk to him because I’m scared I’ll push him away more I want to give him space to think but I don’t want to give him to much to where we can’t go back… I feel like I should write him a letter explaining how sometimes relationships are hard and you have to work through it how sometimes you fall out of love but you have to choose to love that person every single day in order to make it work…. I was thinking about taking it to him and just sitting there while he reads it so we can talk after so we can see how we still feel…

    But what should I really do?! I can’t loose him… I love him too much to let all this go down the drain… I want to fight for us…
    Love, Savannah

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 7, 2020 at 10:10 pm

      Hey Savannah, if you want to give yourself your best chance then reading and implementing the information on this website is giving yourself the best chance of getting your ex back. Remember the most important part of this process is learning to be happy single and learning to love yourself. When you master these two aspects you will see other parts of your life click into place

  11. Avatar

    Brandi B

    January 22, 2020 at 12:43 pm

    We dated 6 weeks. At one point he said he needed to think about things & then later said he was scared to get close to someone again but we continued talking & seeing each other. He mentioned xmas gifts & said we were dating & then 2 days before Xmas stopped everything. I tried texting, calling, Snapchat & messenger xmas night in a panic bc I was reacting & didn’t understand. Nothing. He continued to be my friend on FB & looked at my stories on Snapchat. One day he was with our mutual friend & she sent him a message I had sent to her about him, I didn’t know she’d do it, & all he said was yeah, sorry, I haven’t handled this well. I lost it & got pissed, went to his place, called several times & sent messenger & Snapchat again…..I know I went postal & it was awful!! I know I screwed up royally. I also unfriended him on FB in the heat of the moment. Later when I cooled down I sent a request back to him & a text sincerely apologizing. Nothing still. He continued to look at Snapchat for that night & 2 more then stopped. I asked my friend why he would accept my FB request & if he’d ever forgive me for what I did. She said he said he doesn’t want to be friends. Then 2 days later he looked at the Snapchat I sent him the day of freak out but he hasn’t looked at my stories since. Last night I spoke with her to see if he ever would forgive & she said that maybe before the day I freaked out there was a chance but after that, he’s just done. No feelings, no speaking, no friendship, no nothing. He wants nothing to do with me. It is over & I destroyed everything in 1 day 2 weeks into NC after the breakup and I truly hate myself.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 24, 2020 at 12:51 pm

      Hi Brandi dont be so hard on yourself! Many people have been in a similar situation to you so focus on yourself for some time, spend 30 days in No Contact and read as much articles you can on this website, watch Chris videos on YouTube to help you through the process

  12. Avatar

    Jack wensley

    December 31, 2019 at 3:17 am

    Recently my girlfriend broke up with me saying she needs some space to figure out her feelings as she wasnt sure about us anymore more we dated for like 2+ years it was going on well she loved me n i loved her back but suddenly during tis two or three months suddenly there is a off.what should be the best thing to do at this time? I really love her.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 3, 2020 at 6:02 am

      Hi Jack so at this time I would allow her space to consider how she truly feels inside. If she wants the break allow her this time to start missing you and worry that you have moved on

  13. Avatar

    Kimberly

    December 14, 2019 at 11:26 pm

    Hi,

    My ex boyfriend of 2+ years broke up with me about two weeks ago, over text. On nov 29 his mother told me he was lying about his grades at school and i got very mad that he kept lying to me about these little things (we often had petty fights about small mistakes but we would always make it up in no time). It was on sunday dec 1, he told me that morning how much he loved me and that he couldn’t live without me. It was then sunday evening when he suddenly texted me he wanted to break up. He said that the last 2 months he was doubting his feelings for me. For me it came out of the blue, i did not see it coming because he wasn’t distant or anything the last 2 months (he even booked a hotel for €180 for our 2 years anniversary at sep 29). Although i was very pissed that weekend because of his lying and said soms bad things to him, i still did not expect him to break up so sudden.
    In Feb we once broke up for only one night, because of the same reason: he lost feelings for me because i became upset whenever he made mistakes or that i sometimes kept nagging for no reason (i admit that i did but when we talked about this multiple times, i nagged much less). He then texted me the next morning he loved me and wanted to talk and that same day we were happy and back together.
    I promised him that i would change (i seriously want to change myself, also for me), but he keeps being stubborn. The first week after the break up i kept begging and texting, but he replied very dry and he said his feelings won’t come back. I kept begging and pushing him by asking him to talk, he then got very irritated and went to my house to pick up his stuff. When he picked up his stuff, he didn’t want to talk or even look me in the eyes. I apolegized a few times en he thanked me for that. We hugged a couple times and we were both crying a lot. He left within 5 minutes and later that evening i texted him once again begging for a chance. I asked my friends and family what to do, but they keep saying it is all hopeless. I started searching the internet en followed a few steps. I tried NC for a few days when he eventually texted me by himself (yesterday dec 13). It was nothing special, he just asked me how i’ve been and that he has problems at school and at home. I thought it was a good time to listen to his problems and encourage him instead of begging for a last chance. This went well but it became very hard for me to continue NC. I texted him today asking him how he’s been and we spoke a few words. He replied once again very dry and i eventually started begging again. He said he still misses me, but knows his feeling won’t come back. He also doesn’t want give it a try or talk about it. This is very hard for me, because now that i know what the problem was (a little more freedom and a little less nagging from me), i can and want to change that about myself.
    We have been in contact for 2,5 years, we did everything together en were eachothers first lovers en bestfriends. And now it seems that he has thrown me out of his life completly. He posts selfies and goes out all the time. I miss him very very much and i have cried at least a million times the last two weeks. I want him back so bad and i don’t know what to do anymore. Everybody keeps saying i have no chances left and that i just should leave it alone. I know i should work on myself and i’m doing the best i can, but i want to text him all the time saying how much i miss him and want him back.
    Is there any chance on getting my ex back? And what should i do now? I’m really desperate!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 15, 2019 at 11:12 pm

      Hey Kimberley, so you need to start with No Contact and read about what it is you need to do during that time, read as much as you can on this website that applies to your situation and make notes of the changes you need to make to your life, what you need to do to work on your holy trinity and to become Ungettable

  14. Avatar

    Marshall Yoo

    November 19, 2019 at 1:23 am

    I dated a girl long distance for around a year. At first I met her after ending another relationship where I was not really over. I went on an online app and surrounded myself with a bunch of new people. She initially put me in the friend zone but it became something more when the person she was seeing put her in an ultimatum and she chose me.Things and even though long distance is hard we found creative ways to make it work such as long phone calls, watching movies at the same time, etc. We were very serious but had to work creatively since her parents did not like the fact that we met online.

    After about 6 months, I developed an addiction to gaming. It is important that you know that I have ADHD, which makes it hard for me to transition from tasks, my intentions sometimes don’t match my actions, impulsivity, etc. What I would do is start playing a game while I waited for her to finish up what she was doing. When she was ready, I would keep her waiting, as I play with friends and I find it hard to say no to them. This started to create a feeling of disappointment as night after night I would do the same thing. She obviously recognized this and confronted me saying we should take a break. I stupidly fought to keep her and because she loved me she always gave in. I promised I would change but never really did. I did want to but I needed professional help and also probably needed to actually feel what it was like to not be with her.

    After 6 more months and a couple more unsuccessful break ups by her, she finally was able to break up with me for real. She had lost all feeling for me, also found someone else, and did not want to feel the negative emotions that I created for her. I put her in a bad place and she never really told me till then. For the first time I realized what it was like to lose her, and was finally ready to make real changes in my life to stay together. But it was of course already too late.

    Since I made a stupid promise when she first friend zoned me that we should be friends no matter what and I was hurt and desperate to get her back, I tried everything. My life went into a downward spiral filled with failing out of school (because I didn’t go to class), failing out of my job as my universities woman’s basketball team manager (something that is my passion and that I love more than anything, also something that I want to pursue in that career field), and I became suicidal (*Sean Kingston “when they say its overrrrr”, I tried to seriously do it twice but don’t worry I am not suicidal anymore).

    She dealt with her own new relationship, which had its own ups and downs and I dealt with being forced to be only her friend. Our interactions with her hurt me a lot because she made me feel unimportant; she would call me but hang up to respond to a message or call from her ex, she would talk to her ex OTP while OTP with me. I forgot to mention she was in a long distance relationship with him too. So they did the same things me and her use to do; they even started watching the same shows. The replacement hurt. Feeling like the waiting room for when her BF got off work or on a break hurt. I tried to keep it inside me but because of the person I am with strong morals and a strong sense of right and wrong I couldn’t help but be hostile to her to try to make her understand what she was making me feel. A lot of the times I would threaten and talk about suicide was mostly to feel something from her; feel like she cared about me and that I actually mattered. As I said before there were only two real attempts that were thankfully unsuccessful.

    Understandably, she stopped talking to me for two long stretches of time. From Thanksgiving to March and then from March to May. Her reasons where unknown but I can guess it was some combination of curiosity, boredom, she wanted to know if I had gotten over her, and maybe she actually wanted to be friends. I wouldn’t dare to hope it was because she had feelings because I knew there weren’t any. Both times it ended with her realizing that I still felt the same way.

    Fast forward to this summer. I get a message from her BF that he convinced my ex to start talking to me again and be friends and that we would join a group chat together. I was very confused (my dad is a lawyer I am always skeptical) and I was looking for some ulterior motives. He seemed like a genuinely nice guy till much later. It is also important to note that we had become sort of friends with him giving me advice and talking to me. He always gave me bad advice and I did the opposite (for an example I was hurting and was emotionally and I knew it was a bad idea to express my hurtfulness to my ex but he thought I should just do it even though it was late at night and I was off my medications which makes me at a greater risk of doing or saying something I regret).

    Joining the group chat, since this was the only way to talk to my ex, I was determined to not make her BF feel like the 3rd wheel. I included him in conversations, asked the same questions to him that I did to my ex even though I did not really care what the answer was, etc. He did the opposite, flexing on me by being all lovey dovey with my ex in front of me and testing my resolve. This was probably the reason why he wanted to do this. Twice I lost it leaving the group. The second time her BF lost patience with me after I threatened another suicide attempt (I was just saying how I felt). He said he did not want to be included and said that I probably knew that my ex wouldn’t want to keep talking/keep the group chat. He said “Its up to her”.

    The next day I talked my ex and she chose to give me another chance. Her ex went berserk questioning if he was still her boyfriend, making her feel like she disappointed him, and saying it was the wrong choice. My ex was very upset and came to the conclusion I cannot talk to you (me) anymore. She of course made amends and admitted she was in the wrong (which was total BS and everyone knew it but she was too emotionally weak to be without him). I chipped away at her defenses, when one day she posted on Snapchat a picture of all the work she had to do. Because I still loved her, I asked if she wanted help on her essay (English was my best subject in high school and my school is notorious for teaching their students how to write). She was thankful even though she admitted she wasn’t really suppose to be talking to me.

    A few weeks later, the two of them had broken up. At first I was upset because I thought I was the main cause of the break up and I honestly would have felt so bad that I could potentially be the reason my ex would never be happy again. But it was some BS excuse her now ex BF made up about how his older brother thought their relationship was unhealthy and they shouldn’t date till later. I immediately called BS on the whole thing and urged her to cut him off for good. They instead stayed as friends but still basically did all the same things when they were dating. One day I finally got her to see what was going on and she finally confronted him. I love her and would have made an effort to go see her if I was a couple hours drive away, I would have still been with her in secret (I did that before), and I would have done anything and more. The fact he was not willing to do those things for her tipped the scale.

    So more towards the present this is the situation I am in now (sorry this is so long my story is long and I feel a lot of little details need to be included to fully understand what is going on). She still has no feelings for me, as she has had for almost a year officially now. I am still her friend. I am the best friend she could ever have. I always help her with schoolwork, help entertain her by watching stuff with her, sometimes go to sleep with her OTP at night, always answer her calls when shes driving to school or coming home or home alone during the day, and I was there when she had emotional outbursts about missing her ex, the horrible things her ex is now doing (the classic making fake tik tocs about her, showing that he has already moved on with another girl that is the opposite of my ex so she feels insecure, etc he is low key a fuck boy), and the death of her Uncle, whom she was very close with since he helped raise her while her mother was still finishing up school. However, she constantly talks about other guys. I am different in the sense that I am better at masking my emotions around her but the pain still hurts every time its not me she wants or loves. Personally, I am taking time off from college to figure out how to resolve my problems and having her come back into my life has helped me focus on becoming the best version of myself to a certain extent (getting there I feel motivated to become the best version of myself for myself but don’t worry thats a different story that I have a psychologist for). Basically I am more of the person that she broke up with than I am a better, changed version of myself. But I still feel like an emotionally crutch. She only talks to me when she wants to or when she needs to, she constantly brings up other guys, when I asked if she wanted to leave the call so she could focus on her work she said it does matter, I don’t care. Currently I do not have a lot going on in my life out of school and without a job.

    What should I do? Is it worth going no contact at this point where I feel like she won’t care or miss me and will probably just replace me? How can I leave someone that I love when she needs me more than ever in her life? How can I not be freaked out that I don’t have my best friend anymore? What is the point of all this potential suffering that will leak into my personal life and goals of improvement if it won’t lead to anything and will just make things worse? Everyone has always told me to give up, to cut her out, to forget her and I tried unsuccessfully.

    The worst part about living through what I did was the fact I knew it was my fault. I couldn’t bring the strength to do what needed to be done to keep our relationship going and now I was condemned to a life of what-ifs and regrets. But the fighter resilient part of me refused to believe that this was how it was going to end. This part urged me not to give up, even when all my friends except her ex (who became my friend for some reason but I now found out treated it as a joke). I have a fire inside me where if I want to do something, I make it happen (that sounds super rapey but I am not a rapist please haha). I have this fire of determination that would not let me quit. I still do not want to quit. But I do not know if I am just delusional and actually should give up or if there is something I can do. I am willing to do whatever it takes this time to try to fix things. I am trying to stay more positive and confident but it is hard and feel like I need some guidance before I go somewhere that I cannot get out of. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 23, 2019 at 11:00 pm

      Hey Marshall, so there is a lot of information here, so to keep this as short as possible. It is great you are in a better mental place and not feeling suicidal anymore, but if those emotions come back you do need to seek some professional help to work through them. You sound as if you are very young, younger than 20 if I am going to give it a guess so I suggest going to school council for some extra support through school and your issues that you are having.

      I think your ex is quite happy having you there for the emotional comfort and support that you give to her, and you are very much in the friendzone, and to get out of that friend zone it is going to take some work and a lot of emotional control, which I suggest you question if you feel up to doing this. Now as for her replacing you with another guy, there is a way you can maybe get her back as a love interest, that starts with a No Contact, and you dating other people. Or making it look like you are. This is going to spark some (hopefully) jealousy from her enough to try and get you interested in her instead. Making sure you are doing this for the right reasons and are able to commit to her in a long distance relationship properly and not go back into old habits again.

  15. Avatar

    Jill

    November 4, 2019 at 5:56 pm

    So, my ex and I dated for five years. It would be six years next month. In August 2018, he broke up with me, while we still had two months left on the lease of an apartment. I never got an explanation of what happened, but the truth came out eventually. He just kept saying he loved me, but wasn’t in love with me. And he felt we ran our course. No warning if anything making it seem like he was unhappy. I moved out of the apartment at the end of October and started hanging with someone else. My ex eventually told me he met someone else too, but played it off like he met her after we broke up. He ended up meeting her in July 2018 and ended things with me to be able to hang with her. Through the months of October, November, December and January he downplayed everything that he had going on with this girl. Said they were friends with benefits. Said he didn’t want to be in a relationship and she didn’t either and they were on the same page. He also carried on about regretting breaking up with me, loved me and missed me, blah blah blah. Finally we hung out in February 2019 and he strongly encouraged me to end things with the guy I was seeing and he was going to end things with the girl. I ended up finding out when they had met, and the whole story of the two of them and how much was involved, due to her making her Facebook public and letting me see all the things he had said to her and everything else. She really liked him. In April, I found out he was reaching out to her saying he missed her, lost his mind, same things he said to me when they were hanging out. He ended up saying he has feelings for us both and he hung out with her at the end of April. He ended up sleeping with her and then told me it felt so wrong and he felt so guilty. He cut off contact with her again. In July he ended up telling me he sent her a text. Said he just wants to be her friend and I can trust him. (No I can’t!) They started to talk more and he told me he wasn’t confident in us. Saw her and slept with her. Then ended up turning to me again and said he missed me and has lost his mind. He drinks a good amount and he never appears drunk, but definitely uses it as a crutch. So he cut off contact with her again. I later found out she was a stripper and I wondered if that was the turn off to him, because she had started that in July 2019. So we had a few good months and he ended up spending time with his brother who lives out of state. Apparently his brother is super unhappy in his marriage and they have two kids. He feels trapped and is so sad that he can’t be with anyone else again, and can’t even consider divorce because he doesn’t want the kids to go through that. My ex ended up crying while we were hanging out and then told me he was super depressed. This was three weeks ago. He played off that he didn’t want to talk to anyone, and he was missing work. He ended up later admitting to me that he did reach out to the other girl AGAIN and that he is scared of commitment and never wants to get married. He said with her, it’s easy because there is no long term talk, nothing matters. He had admitted previously that he uses her for sex. He told me he wanted some space from me because every time I text him, he cries. And when I send multiple texts, he has panic attacks. I finally stopped reaching out and I haven’t talked to him in four days, and he has missed days of work within the last three weeks. I feel like the missing work is related to the depression, because he said he was having panic attacks, can’t sleep more than two hours a night, and suicidal thoughts. Should I just move on and realize it will never work again? We had never really gone thirty days with no contact, even when we were broken up and spending time with other people. I don’t feel like he truly knows what life without me is. But on the other hand, I thought if I wasn’t distracting him, maybe this new girl is the one he is supposed to be with and me not talking to him might make him realize that? He admits he is unstable when he turns towards this girl, and I don’t know if it is a coping mechanism. He is on anti depressants and has seen therapists in the past. I’m just curious if anyone thinks he is over me, or if he is having a mental breakdown and if he got the help, we could move past this and he would stop reaching out to homegirl? Please give me any advice or suggestions you have! And I did tell his mom about the suicidal thoughts he said he was having, which he has never mentioned before. So others are aware and he is safe. Any feedback would be appreciated! This year has been crazy and tough!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 9, 2019 at 7:23 pm

      So I would say right now he shouldnt be in a relationship with either you or the other girl until he has some better control of his emotions, anxiety and depression. As it sounds like he is juggling too many things internally. I would stick to a 30 day No Contact as he needs to MISS YOU properly. Every time you reply to him you’re giving him the assurance that you are still there waiting for him to come back to you, even if you are with someone else he knows he has that window of opportunity. So let him have the sense you are gone and hes not got you as an option for a while. It will work in your favour as men want what they cant have, not the one who is waiting for them on the sidelines

  16. Avatar

    Monica

    October 31, 2019 at 8:59 am

    Me and my ex broke up 2 months back when I asked him about the future of our relationship. He said he has lost feelings for me and found many of my habits irritating. I maintained no contact with him for a month post which I ended up calling him and begging him to come back and give our relationship another chance. He said no as he would lose feelings for me once again. I have not contacted him since then nor has he reached out to me again. What would you advise me to do in this situation?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 31, 2019 at 10:48 pm

      Hi Monica, so this is something you need to work on to be the Ungettable girl so read up some of Chris’ articles about that. When we get into relationships we get comfortable and form habits where things can get “boring” and thats when one of the members of the relationship “lose feelings” because the excitement has gone for them.

  17. Avatar

    Kelse

    September 8, 2019 at 1:56 am

    My girlfriend of 6 years recently just broke up with me. Said she lost feelings for me recently . We have been through so much. I know she loves me . I think somewhere in between she got to where she resentments me . I tried to talk to her first after the break up and I know that makes things worse. So I have started the NC . I’m hoping she will come back.

  18. Avatar

    Lora Caronna

    August 28, 2019 at 12:04 am

    My boyfriend broke up with me last night. Im really confused because he says he still cares about me and knows that his actions have hurt me but he doesnt want to fix anything. He says im really important to him and that he wants us to stay close friends. I put everything into the relationship and now I’m the one who’s hurting. I still love him so much and I know he cares as well. He was crying so much when we ended things. Will he realise this is a mistake and change his mind?

  19. Avatar

    Sarah

    August 10, 2019 at 7:23 pm

    My ex and I were together for over two years. I’d frequently hung out with his family and we had talked about moving in together. He broke up with me about two weeks ago. He said he doesn’t feel like he loves me as much as he used to while sobbing uncontrollably. We decided to speak again a week later but when we met up he admitted he had been miserable the last week but doesn’t think he’s going to change his mind because he can’t just force those feelings to come back and that we should move on. I accepted it because I told him I was not going to beg him to get back with me and that I only wanted if it if he did as well. He said that it was unrealistic for us to be friends immediately and we should limit contact for now but then he began messaging me every day. It was good conversation, in fact better than it had been towards the end of our relationship but it got to be too hard and I implemented the no contact rule a few days later, which he agreed to but then two days later he sent me several messages under the pretense of figuring out some logistics that we had already thoroughly talked through. When I didn’t respond, he sent maybe 3 or 4 other separate messages about an hour apart each. I did not respond to those and he hasn’t said anything else since then.

  20. Avatar

    Brenna

    July 24, 2019 at 9:58 pm

    I recently got in a breakup with my ex and am dying to hear a professionals opinion as to why he did what he did. . We casually dated for about 3 months and he made it official in March. We officially were together for only 4 months. About a month and a half into the relationship we started saying I love you and lost our virginity to eachother. Nothing seemed wrong but he was never extremely romantic and cared more about other things like sports and hunting / fishing. He always hung out with his friends and he knew I hated them but I always encouraged him to be with them because they all have been friends for years. We went on a 4 day vacation together with some friends to the outer banks, NC in early June and after that is where it went down hill. I contacted him after that week and mentioned he needs to be a better boyfriend and more affectionate towards me because we’re getting more serious. He called me out of nowhere saying we never “clicked” in his opinion and he never thought we were meant to be but liked me enough to “try to make it work.” I questioned why he told me he loved me and continued to reassure me that we would never breakup and he didn’t have a solid answer. He said he doesn’t know what Love is and kept reassuring me because he thought it was make feelings come. Which makes no sense because at the beginning up until the vacation I could tell he was head over heels for me. After we ended it he started telling his friend group that I’m “psycho” for absolutely no reason because I handled the breakup very well other than asking a couple of questions. I do not contact him and he hasn’t tried talking to me even though he wanted to remain friends. I constantly hear mean things he says behind my back and can’t help to wonder how he could go from liking me so much to wanting absolutely nothing to do with me. We have the same friend group and they all hangout without me now so that it isn’t awkward. He invites my girl best friends everywhere and I don’t. Please help!!!!!

1 2