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120 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule May Not Work”

  1. Renee

    January 2, 2019 at 4:02 am

    Hi Chris,

    I was wondering – if my boyfriend contacts me saying he wants to get back together or wants to apologize, how should I respond?

    So far we’ve been 3 days NC and the only contact after a very long and messy breakup conversation has been to tell him that I am not interested in being “friends” with him and not to contact me if he doesn’t want to be together.

    I’m planning on 30 days NC, but he has historically been very hot and cold, when we got together he started things then ended them after a week 3 times in a row, with less time in between each before actually starting our relationship… I’m preparing for him to not say anything, but also would be unsurprised if a week from now he wants me back… I just don’t know how to reply!

    1. Chris Seiter

      January 2, 2019 at 5:35 am

      Hi Renee!

      Probably best to stay the course. Exceptions can be made but then we are getting into a complicated topic. But I wrote an eBook that covers that as well. Its called, “The No Contact Rule Book”….245 pages long that helps you with understanding A-Z!

  2. Daniel

    December 27, 2018 at 3:16 am

    Hi Chris…
    My ex and I have been separated 8 months, been together 6 years with 2 kids together… Not gonna lie, we have issues to work on but she says she wants to rebuild our relationship and me to eventually come home, however she’s constantly hot and cold… I was thinking of trying limited contact, only hanging out with the kids for awhile without her, etc… Basically just create a little space between us while still focusing on the kids of course… suggestions???

    1. Chris Seiter

      December 27, 2018 at 3:40 am

      Hi Daniel!

      That can work….limited contact has its applications when kids are involved. The Being There approach might be an option as well, but go with creating some space for now. Send me a bit more detailed summary of your situation via my Contact Us Form (link at the top menu on each website page) and I can go into more detail about the Being There method and some other resources you might want to consider.

    2. Chris Seiter

      December 27, 2018 at 3:40 am

      Hi Daniel!

      That can work….limited contact has its applications when kids are involved. The Being There approach might be an option as well, but go with creating some space for now. Send me a bit more detailed summary of your situation via my Contact Us Form (link at the top menu on each website page) and I can go into more detail about the Being There method and some other resources you might want to consider.

  3. Ellie

    December 26, 2018 at 3:42 am

    Hi Chris, my ex and I (both in mid 20s) mutually broke up 2 yrs ago because we couldn’t do long distance indefinitely (met in the US, dated for 6 months, and then he moved back to Europe to finish school). We went through a ~10m no contact period until he reached out on my birthday. We’ve been talking since and Skyped for the first time since we broke up. We haven’t emotionally moved on from each other even though I’ve dated other people and he’s had casual flings but no relationships since me. Distance is still a factor so should I bring up no contact with him again? I don’t want to lose him or use ultimatums, but I feel it’s useless to keep talking even though I enjoy being in touch again if he misses me but doesn’t feel like he “needs” to be with me. What should I do?

    1. Chris Seiter

      December 26, 2018 at 3:58 am

      Hi Ellie!

      If you the two of you are talking and things are relatively positive in how you are speaking to each other, then I would not institute no contact. Just continue to build upon the positive communication

  4. Shen

    December 26, 2018 at 12:55 am

    Hey Chris,
    So my ex and I broke up about 3 weeks ago for the first time since our 1 year 11 mths relationship. We were engaged but not living together because we didn’t want to do that before marriage, although I visited some nights and slept over on occasions. We were happy, spent alot of time together. We do not live far from each other, maybe 7 minutes drive apart. He lives alone and I live my folks. He is 24 and I am 30. In September I found out he was cheating. We argued and he promised to change but he had already lied too many times about the 2 women he was having the affairs with so I didn’t believe that he was genuinely sorry. I ended up getting close to a male colleague of his and slept with the guy. My ex followed me and caught us. He dumped me after we fought. He refused to communicate with me, blocked me in social media, is always angry when I try to contact him, embarrasses me infront of others if I approach him, tells people what I did and how he caught me, and swears he doesn’t want me back ever. But I want him back. I begged already. Now I want to start no contact. But I fear he is gone forever. What should I do?? I made a stupid mistake. I should have tried to work with him to fix things when he was willing. Now he hates me. He still didn’t call for me to collect my things. Last night I dropped off an Xmas gift at his friend to deliver to him and he accepted the gift I was told. I was also told that after this morning when I went to see him and he threw me out of his place that he was crying when his friend went to see him. This friend is trying to get us back together and he says my ex is positive one time to get back with me but negative another time. He is still very angry and says that I shamed him. Please help me!!!!

    1. Chris Seiter

      December 26, 2018 at 4:05 am

      Hi Shen!

      I think you should seriously think about starting no contact, but do it the way I talk about in my Program. I have tons of info on the site about it and I lay out a comprehensive ex recovery plan in my 485 page eBook, “EBR PRO”. There is much for you to learn so you can navigate this post breakup process!

  5. Sans

    December 25, 2018 at 4:32 am

    Hi Chris,
    My fiance of 4 years just left me 3 days back after a bad fight. Although this has been a pattern with him. After usually a bad fight. He breaks up and blocks me everywhere. These decisions of breakups are instantaneous. And the same happened 3 days back too. It was a fight cuz he thought I’m controlling (he was chilling with his friends while I was arguing about something with him on texts). He thinks I have problems when he is with his friends. I don’t agree with this but had we discussed it calmly instead of breaking up. I would definitely had made changes so he wouldn’t feel so going ahead.
    Anyway coming back to the point. He gave me the engagement ring more than a year back but our breakups have been consistent. This time it killed me more cuz we were at the verge of booking our wedding venue with our families involved. Almost all our breakups would follow up with me talking him out of it and showing some sense. Sometimes a short 1 week NC. But he always came around, agreed to the fact that he should not have broken up after he cooled down or whatever. And everything would be normal again. Now talking about our last fight, 3 days ago. After the break up, I did turn psycho for 1 full day. Begging him calling everyone he knows to get me to talk to him, mailing texting from different numbers. Apologizing. But I soon realized the damage I was doing to my dignity and stopped within a day. He had obviously blocked me everywhere.
    What really pinches me is me never leaving him for his gravest mistakes but he leaving me whenever I get on his nerve. For the record, I have never broken up with him. And he has done a lot of shit too. He was verbally abusive until 5 months back but I patiently worked it with him. I worked with him on his short comings for years. That’s how I deal with issues when I’m in love.
    Now another thing I want you to know is that even before we started dating almost 4 years back. I had told him I can’t shift my location city due to my career and family needs. Which he gladly accepted as he works from home. He himself proposed to shift to my city. We stay in cities 2 hours away flight wise. All these 4 years, he was okay with it. But just day before he left me a text saying he has decided that even if it does work out for us. He won’t shift to my city anymore and I should think about it and tell him if I want to be with him. And he very well knows it’s impossible for me.
    Now I really can’t give my city up for career reasons. Both of us live in the same country separated by 2 hours.
    Also this fight was not about the city. It was about something else altogether. And he seemed all excited to get married to me until the fight happened. I don’t know what suddenly changed. Or maybe he’s taking revenge. It hurts me to go through this again as I am already so insecured with his unstable mind. And this time our families were involved. Marriage was a few months away. He has been gaming online on PubG while I have sleepless nights crying. I have not spoken to him after that 1 psycho day. But it doesn’t even seem to matter. And it hurts me more. He playing pubG with his gang while I cry. Please help me out Chris. Please tell me what to do. How to get through to him. Also my location issue that suddenly came up. I am so so confused.

    PS – 3 years out of our 4 year relationship was not a long distance as I had taken a project in his city. But now since 8 months I’m back to mine. So it has been a long distance.

    1. Chris Seiter

      December 25, 2018 at 11:41 pm

      So there is a lot going on here! Instead of getting into every question, I am going to advice you to pick up my epic long 485 page eBook, “EBR PRO” as there is so much there that can help you.

  6. Ocean

    December 23, 2018 at 7:15 pm

    Hi Chris, your advice is much appreciated.
    I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years about a month ago after a fight. I immediately regretted and contacted a week later and apologized…told him that I still love him and I miss him. He responded but very cold and standoffish. Another week past, I asked him if we could meet and talk but he didn’t respond. A week later, I asked him out for a movie which we both wanted to watch but he didn’t respond…so I haven’t contacted him since. I thought that NC could be the best thing to do.
    It’s been 3 weeks from my last contact, then last weekend he brought a girl to my best friend’s restaurant where we used to go all the time…my bestie immediately reported…he said that it didn’t look like they were a couple and could be a female friend however my ex has never been to my friend’s restaurant without me before so my bestie has thought that it is a bit strange seeing him there and with a lady friend! I got upset and messaged my ex straight away…asking him to be more considerate and not to bring the date to my best friend’s restaurant…I told him that it hurt my feelings. My ex responded immediately asking me how dumb I think he was to even think that he would bring a date to my friend’s restaurant and said that it was not a date but an old friend of his…he is not dating anyone and he asked me to come over to his place so that he can prove.
    I just asked him what he is trying to do and prove…he has been ignoring me for weeks…all I am asking for is to be considerate as he could have guessed that the word gets around to me and it would stir up my emotions.
    He has apologized over text saying that he can hand on heart say that she was an old friend of his and there’s nothing between them but he hates the thought of upsetting me nonetheless.
    He told me that he is leaving for 3 weeks Christmas holiday back to his country soon.
    Should I tell him that I love him still and want to talk things over before he leaves?
    I miss him every day.

    1. Chris Seiter

      December 23, 2018 at 7:59 pm

      Hi Ocean!

      It seems you two already have some dialogue going on, so I see no reason why you can’t extend him best wishes for his trip.

  7. Rika

    December 19, 2018 at 8:56 am


    I have known my ex for around 6 years now, we broke up multiple times and I was the reason, I just didnt find him attractive at those previous times
    However, around half a year ago I talked to him again because I wanted him back, and it somehow went really well, I really do love him and he said he always loved me

    So we started going out together, but now he says stuff like he forces himself to see me sometimes,
    And yet he wanted to see me yesterday
    But when I talked to him about it again
    He said he regrets falling in love with me and it sucks to be in love. And that he wants me in his life.. I asked him “as a friend?” He said he doesn’t know.

    To add, he mentioned that he doesn’t want ME to end up with him and he is no good for me
    And he can’t be the person I want (he used to be a loving person)

    I don’t know what he means, and I think he is kind of confused about his feelings, so I decided to start the no contact rule to give him time to think about it

    This all happened yesterday
    However his birthday is soon and I don’t know whether I should message him or keep the no contact

    So I would like some advice.. and if possible to know what he means by saying all these weird stuff all of a sudden

    Thank you

    1. Chris Seiter

      December 20, 2018 at 2:58 am

      Hi Rika…so that is significant….6 years. It creates roots and that longevity usually comes into play later. It sounds like your ex was just acting out some of his pent up emotions and resentment. Clearly he is confused. IF you have started NC, then its best to stick with it. But it doesn’t seem like you have so give him some space, but lead with “kindness” in small doses. Eventually he will reflect that back to you.

  8. Sarah

    December 18, 2018 at 3:10 am

    Hi Chris,

    This is hard as my ex and I have already broken up twice already. Yet I still want him back… I got him back the first time…however this break up, I went pretty next level crazy on him and don’t think I can ever redeem myself. It’s impossible to get him back a second time round right? Especially when he has broken up both times? – particularly when I was obsessively contacting, begging and almost stalking…. My behaviour was psycho and I know it was….how can I redeem myself and make him come crawling back, when he essentially hates my guts and told me he never wants to see or speak to me again?

    1. Chris Seiter

      December 19, 2018 at 2:32 am

      Hi Sarah!

      Take a look at my Program as it applies to the No Contact principle. It has a lot of elements in it that should apply, including things you should do for yourself to heal as you move forward.

  9. Csy

    December 17, 2018 at 10:44 pm

    Why cnt i see my co.ment

    1. Chris Seiter

      December 17, 2018 at 11:16 pm

      Hi Csy…not sure. Sometimes if the comment system detects what it thinks is a duplicate comment, it won’t publish. Try using my website’s Contact Form to reach out to me privately.

  10. Runi

    December 17, 2018 at 10:40 pm

    Hey chris
    My condition is lil bit diff so i wud really want to see ur opinion on this. I dont know if you came across with a client who is stuck in “arrange marriage”. So i talked to this guy from a matrimony site..and we started chating on whtsap.we liked the vibe so we Decided to involve parents. And we held a meeting of both families. ( We live in diff states.. and that was the only time we met in presence of our parents )Everyone liked everyone. The guy continued to talk on chat and he said he and his family are affirmative. And just he needs some time to be together. But now suddenly he has become unresponsive. He wudnt reply my msgs nor pick my call. I msged his sister too . She also dint reply. Now i now he was nt my”bf” bt i felt attached. I did bombard him with msgs to know wht went wrong , wht is in his mind. Bt then i started applying no contact. Its been a week. Now m really not sure if it will b effective in my case ? Pls guide me thru

    1. Chris Seiter

      December 17, 2018 at 11:19 pm

      Hi Runi! I have advised folk who are dealing with this or trying to avoid it. I do think NC is a pragmatic choice. If he does not reach out after what has unfolded, then perhaps it is best as its really rude of him not to communicate.

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