The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule- What Is He Thinking?

4,280 thoughts on “The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule”

Lane

September 7, 2016 at 8:06 pm

My boyfriend and I haven’t talked for 5 days now. We broke up because I got pregnant. He kept just telling me to get rid of it like it was some easy thing. Say horrible things like we should have never been together. Then later text me he’s just scared. Well I’m scared too and it started to piss me off always having to reassure him. I’ve gone to all the doctors appointments alone. So the other day I told him I want to keep it. Again he freaked out. He can’t understand why I won’t just end it. So I said fine just live your life basically. He kept saying I had to tell him to leave me alone for him to do it. I knew it was so he didn’t have to take responsibility for bailing. He was borderline harassing me to say it, so finally i said it and we haven’t talked since. Sometimes I wonder if he was actually trying by saying he’s just scared and in my anger I told him to just live his life. Idk what to do at this point.

EBR Team Member: Amor

September 9, 2016 at 9:09 am

HI Lane,

you should read this one: EBR 038: Pregnancy & Ex Boyfriends

Nicole

September 7, 2016 at 12:21 pm

I met this guy and we’ve been dating for 5 months (about 30 times). First everything was great, we kind of fell in love and had very tense contact. At one point things got serious (but in a positive way) and it suddenly felt like a wonderful relationship (at least to me) but he told me, even though he enjoyed spending time with me he was afraid and not sure if a committed relationship was the right thing for him (I have to point out that he is 30 and never had a relationship before, though he is very successful and attractive but never committed to a girl). From this point things went bad. I always ensured him that we had planty of time and that there was no need to give this “relationship” a name but he kept on talking about it and every time things seemed perfect he told me so. At some point I got angry and told him that maybe a breakup would be the best as he was unsure of this feelings. He said he had feelings but wasn’t sure he was in love. So after he suggested a break I told him that wouldn’t make any sense to me and if he wanted me we should keep on or just let it be. He decided to move on and give us a second chance. So we dated two more times. But everything chanced. He only talked and there was rarely any physical contact any more, though the dates were very romantic. He all of a sudden wanted some deep talk and I thought, OK, maybe things are getting serious. On our way back home I realized something was wrong so I asked him. First he didn’t wanna talk about him but then admitted that he was afraid to break up with me cause he didn’t want to hurt me. I was angry but didn’t show him and told him that it was the right decision. After one week with no contact we met on a party. He seemed very happy to see me and looked at me the way he used to… We decided to go for a drink later the night. So later I sat next to him and his friends, no one seemed surprise to see me and were really nice, as always. We were talking for about five minutes about random stuff and were even laughing when he suddenly said that he felt uncomfortable being around me. I was shocked cause this came out of nowhere. So I assured him everything was fine but he asked me to join my own friends again. After telling me a second time I did so. My friends talked to him later this night and he told them he was just not in love with me. At 3 pm he wrote me a text message saying how horrible things went that night and that he was hoping we could behave “normal” in the future. As he was still I town I asked him to meet up sometime and go talk one last time but he didn’t answer. So I am doing NC for 9 days now and haven’t heard from him yet. He used to call me every single day and say nice things. There has always been something special between us and I know he felt that to. I don’t know if I have any chances of getting him back. He’s definitely not the stubborn guy only if I decided to take a step back and give him enough space. He didn’t like it. But this time it’s him who ignored my last message. Is there any chance he might still be thinking of me?

Nicole

September 11, 2016 at 7:47 pm

Thanks a lot Amor! I read the article.. But for how many days of NC should I go now?
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 13, 2016 at 3:37 pm

Oh sorry.. Do at least 30 days.
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 8, 2016 at 10:35 am

Hi Nicole,

I think this is what you should be reading: How To Make Your Ex Boyfriend Commit

Ylnevaeh

September 7, 2016 at 11:48 am

Can I try this NC rule for my current boyfriend. He has been acting a little distance. You know no contacts for 3 days

EBR Team Member: Amor

September 8, 2016 at 10:19 am

Hi Ylnevaeh,

I think you should read this one first: Click it. How To Prevent A Breakup With Your Boyfriend When You Know It’s Coming

Veronica

September 7, 2016 at 1:45 am

Hey,
My boyfriend of 5 months has broken up with me in July because of the lot of turmoil that took place in the relationship I was downright mean, doubted him with every girl he spoke to and used abusive words. He also retariated by texting back to my parents and recording my voice and sending screenshots of our conversations. So, whenever I did anything wrong to him he took his revenge. But being in completely in love with him I was over possessive and insecure in the possible worst way.
Now after 2 months I saw him dating another girl but that girl is a complete new person in his life I have never heard about her from him.
I miss him badly real bad the connection which we had was outstanding except that we both had worst of temperament. There were also very beautiful things in our relationship which were out similarities and ambition. He made me laugh so much. We both were smitten by love until I started doubting him and then it didn’t stop but only grew
I have initiated no contact with him as he also doesn’t want to hear from me ever again.
Though, I had spoken to his mom about it in lengths and she has said that she will help us in reconciling and that she completely understands my insecurity.
What do you think I have a chance of being with him again because currently he is dating someone new?
But his mother told me that he is quite and doesn’t seem to be happy at all.

Veronica

September 15, 2016 at 3:38 am

Thanks Amor,
You have been of great help.
I will keep improving myself in every circumstances and situations I will stay happy either with him or without him.
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 18, 2016 at 11:41 am

You’re welcome!
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 8, 2016 at 6:49 am

Hi Veronica,
that’s good that his mom is willing to help out..dont rely on her too much because if he feels that you and his mom are ganging up on his gf, he would be more protective of her.. focus in improving yourself now to increase the chances of influencing his thoughts about you

Veronica

September 7, 2016 at 1:38 am

Hey,
My boyfriend of 5 months has broken up with me in July because of the lot of turmoil that took place in the relationship I was downright mean, doubted him with every girl he spoke to and used abused words. He also retariated by texting back to my parents and recording my voice and sending screenshots of our conversations. So, whenever I did anything wrong to him he took him revenge. But being in completely in love with him I was over possessive and insecure in a worst way.
Now after 2 months I saw him dating another girl but that girl is a complete new person in his life I have never heard about her from him.
I miss him badly real badly the connection which we had was outstanding except that we both had worst of temprament.
I have initiated no contact with him because he doesn’t want to hear from me ever again.
Though, I had spoken to him about it in lengths and she has said that she will help us in reconciling and that she completely understands my insecurity.
What do you think I have a chance of being with him again because currently he is dating someone new?
But his mother told me that he is quite and doesn’t seem to be happy at all.

Veronica

September 15, 2016 at 3:36 am

Thanks Amor,
You have been of great help. I will keep posting if something positive happens till then I know where I lack and I will kee improving but myself and I will stay happy either with him or without hi!
🙂
Veronica

September 13, 2016 at 2:06 am

Well, no I am 24 and he is 26 huh!!
Why I involve parents because he always bought parents in between that’s why he has utmost respect and trust in parents. I knew he wouldn’t have spoken to me if I have called him on my individual capacity.
I am giving time as of now focusing entirely on my career and things which I want to achieve for myself. Let’s see them how it goes.
What do you think. My boyfriend and I still hold any grounds to reconcile?
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 14, 2016 at 3:36 pm

Oh ok… I understands.. That works well on other occasions but not on conflicts, because he might feel like he’s being cornered or you know, he doesn’t want your parents or his parents to think that he’s being a bad person because he’s hurting you. Yes, he’s talking to you, but it’s more of because he doesn’t want to argue with his or your parents if he doesn’t.

There is a small chance, but avoid bringing the parents in and get your independence back.. be the ungettable girl.
Veronica

September 11, 2016 at 4:10 am

Hie,
I am not moving on. My mom called him after that and they spoke very calmly. Then she made me speak to him he was very gentle and good to me but he was consistent that he doesn’t want any relationship with me I agree that I was pleading to him to be back and give ourselves another chance but he was determined not to give us any further chances because he is not doing good in his career. He told me he is in crises as of now and when I said that if he is hiding something from me regarding a new girlfriend firstly, he said that it’s none of my concern and then I said nothing and went back to reconcile topic after that when I said again he said he is not dating anyone.
Then we still spoke he praised me that I am doing well in my career and then I asked him to connect with him on birthdays and festivals he said no. Then I asked him can I stay in contact with his parents he said yes but then after that he disconnected a phone call. We spoke for 17 minutes.
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 12, 2016 at 3:51 pm

ok, honestly for me, you need to keep this between yourselves only and not involve your parents in trying to get back with him.. I’m not saying you cant talk to your parents but it would be better if the conversations are only between you and him..

because you appear immature to him.. and he’s probably nice because he knows your mom is there but handle this independently.. getting the parents involved will more likely be a turn off for him..

But I didnt ask how old you both are, because if you’re teenagers, it makes sense why you need to rely on your parents
Veronica

September 9, 2016 at 5:20 am

Thanks,
You are right I called his mom yesterday after 4 days of speaking to her but she didn’t responded to my calls.
I think she is ignoring and probably she will not help me.
Now, I have no chance since he stays in another city than me and also I have deactivated myself from Facebook.
Probably he will forget about me.
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 10, 2016 at 10:57 am

so, that means you’re moving on?
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 8, 2016 at 6:49 am

Hi Veronica,
that’s good that his mom is willing to help out..dont rely on her too much because if he feels that you and his mom are ganging up on his gf, he would be more protective of her.. focus in improving yourself now to increase the chances of influencing his thoughts about you

Lola

September 6, 2016 at 9:02 pm

Hello,
I would like to get some insight into the ‘No Contact Rule’ during a break.
Quick background summary: my (ex)boyfriend and Ali were together for three years. We had strong emotional compatibility and we truly cared about each other a lot. Towards the last few weeks, we began arguing about the effort he was putting into the relationship and the time he was dedicating (once or twice a week due to his busy schedule). The arguments got redundant and he asked for a break. No timeline or rules were set for the break. I fought the break and told him I would much rather work on the problem and compromise rather than take time off. Regardless, the break is on and I want to implement the no contact rule. Firstly, for my sanity and emotional stability and secondly to see how he reacts. To have him miss me (hopefully). I would ultimately like to work this out.
What is your insight into what may be going through his mind?

Tricey

September 10, 2016 at 6:52 pm

How do i get in on the discussion
Lola

September 7, 2016 at 2:53 pm

Is there any chance that we could get back together after the break?
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 8, 2016 at 2:09 pm

I think there is.. Make the most out of no contact to heal and to improve yourself.
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 7, 2016 at 10:48 am

Hi Lola,

that he’s tired of the fights. He’s tired of trying to make you happy and making his schedule work.

Confused

September 6, 2016 at 3:16 pm

My ex of about 7 months broke up with me cos he wants to move overseas for work and said our relationship was holding him back. During the relationship he purposely kept his distance from me physically and emotionally to avoid getting knee deep into the relationship. So instead of treating the relationship like an actual relationship, he treated it more like a friendship (friends with benefit) we didn’t get to go through the honey moon period, seeing each other 24/7, showering eachother with love and attention as you would in a new relationship. We argued a few times about the lack of attention he’s showing me but that never changed. He eventually broke up with me and expected us to be friends. He says he still cares about me and wants us to see each other / talk as often as we used to. He quickly learned that I had no interest in the friendship and I enforced the NC rule on him. We’re currently not talking but it’s killing me. Is he worth it? Will he ever change his mind about moving for me or should I just move on and let it go. I miss him so much I still want him in my life even if he’s not my boyfriend. Should I be friends with him?

Tricey

September 10, 2016 at 8:22 pm

Funny your situation is somewhat similiar to mine..9 years ago i dated this man for aporoximately about 6 months before he told me he was moving back to new york city…i planned to move to New York city also bur not before getting myself financially stable so i may do so…a few important tips..i am black african American rhat speaks english as my first language and he is a honduran that speaks Spanish..but he speaka English as well..Anyhow during the process of me moving to New York city within that year i began to date someone else which however the relationship lasted approximately 6yrs but again in the process we still always kept in touch..and infact he was my confidine at times when i would have problems with my current not to mention ABUSIVE bf. so anyways let me speed up the time..he called me after six years telling me how much he loved me and that he wanted to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me..So me already having relationship problems with my currsnt bf..i told him yes i wanted to be with him because i infact never stop loving him..It was perfect timing also because my current Abusive Bf was preparing to go outta town for 3 months for truck driving school..so i took that as a sign from god..as i didnt have to do anything god was already working the situation out for me before my eyes..So my bf left and i moved him in with me and tild my bf thats it we are over and that i had moved on with someone else..And i want you to keep in mind he (honduran)failed to tell me that he had a baby girl that was almost 1 years old until about two weeks before he moved down here..major slap in the face for me..i was angry of course because i felt like he had more than enough time to communicate that to me..but since i had been in relationship as well..i felt it wasnt much of a big deal to accept her after all i have two kids myself from a previous relatuinship..So now were getting to the good parts. When he moved here into my apartment everything was going great evrything was great sex comunication…trust honesty love ect..i felt like he was the one after all since i had previously been with him 8 yrs before because i failed to mention i was with him 2yrs before my previous relationship..So yea..things were looking promising..i began to start planning my wedding…around Nov ’15…Came to find out around tax season that he was married and had infact been married since i very first met him..wowww that was a huge bummer i cried..i was hurt..i felt manipulated and betrayed…Ever since then the relationship hadnt been the same we began to fuss fight etc..all while always asking when he was gonna infact get a divorce he told me he wasnt getting a divorce because the lady wanted money…i was willing to go half with him on the divorce just because i love him and wanted to have him all to myself the way it was suppose to be..i failed to mentuon he is the sole provider of the household because i had just lost my job..(great financially dont have a problem in that area..)…but now he doesnt take me out he doesnt spend time with me at all..he is never home..he works all the time and when he is not working he still doesn’t give me any time at all what so ever..he always claiming he is going to his boss house but he will sometimes leave at 10am..and i wouldnt see hom anymore til later that night about 12 or so..he use to come home from work and sit in the truck for hours..because he didnt wanna come upstairs..now the last draw was Monday for labor day we had a fight i punched him in his jaw with all my miye and he took hus work clothes and left yess he still has some stuff here..but nothing that i normally see him in..so i feel he dont care about the clothing thats left here. .so o jave been doing NC for 5 days now..no call from him and i havent called him either..do you think he gonna get his self together and see eho really loved him or are we done. .Note::i also rub feet massage body..clip toenails..cooks cleans wash dry fold great sex anytime he want it..massage while eating and just asking things like baby how was your day..i was also getting up at 5am EVERY MORNING..MAKING BREAKFAST THEN BRINGING HIM 45 MINS TO AND FROM woRK EVERYDAY..BREAKFAST AND DINNER WAS ON THE TABLE EVERYDAY AND I SATISFIED HIM DAILY WITH SEXUAL ACTIVITY BECAUSE I KNOW THATS WHAT HE WANTED..BUT DO YOU THINK WE HAVE A CHANCE!!????
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 12, 2016 at 10:02 am

Hi Tricey,

First, if he never gets divorced are you fine with that? Second, do you still rely to him financially now or you’re trying to find a job? I get that you did everything to cater to him since he provides for the family, but did you have your own thing too aside from being a housewife and a mom? Did you let go of yourself? I’m not saying it’s all your fault. He has a lot to explain to you but also, I’m afraid you’re appearing to be too available or too hung up on him that he took you for granted.
Confused

September 10, 2016 at 12:04 am

So in other words you’re saying I should just forget about it and focus on myself, right?
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 10, 2016 at 5:38 pm

yes.. because honestly, it’s too much to ask him or expect him to change his decision this soon
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 7, 2016 at 8:37 am

Hi Confused…

You asked something interesting. You asked if he will ever change moving for you? Maybe that’s what he feels from you, Maybe he needs to think that you’re fine even if he moves because he can see that you’re independent.

Marielle

September 6, 2016 at 9:42 am

So I broke up with my boyfriend of seven months a second time because of the way he treated me. I realized that he didn’t have good role models in his life for men, so that’s why he acts the way he does. So me being empathetic, I felt bad for him because I know that the guys in his life are mean to him too. I reached out to him because I felt bad, kind of telling him that he’s welcome to talk to me anytime he wants, but only if he won’t be mean. So I guess he’s angry or stubborn because I was ignored. And the only reason why we got together in the first place was because his brother told him to talk to me, the only person he’ll listen to. So yeah I think it’s over for good because he made a status saying, “single” on facebook and his whole family was talking crap about about me so I confronted them, (by being mean back…I know, it was dumb…) and my ex didn’t like that and he got really nasty with me even though his family said things in the first ??? And for him to post a status saying “single” is definitely him playing the victim card, and he would do this a lot even in our relationship….oh my gosh….the only thing I miss about him is when he was a sweetheart, but then again it’s like, I can find that in someone else who will always be that way so I don’t really want him back deep down, I just miss him sometimes. I need to move on because I’m always thinking about how much of an asshole he was, but then I think about the good times and then I’m like ugh…so yeah. That’s the problem I’m having !

EBR Team Member: Amor

September 7, 2016 at 7:05 am

Hi Marielle

I think this is what you need to read it. Click it.
How To Get Over An Ex Boyfriend When You’re Still In Love With Him

Georgia

September 3, 2016 at 11:18 pm

I’d been with my ex boyfriend for nine months. We had already broken up four months into the relationship but we continued to talk for the next two months and he decided he wanted to be with me again around when I graduated from high school (he is a year younger than me). We had a really great summer together and were extremely happy just like before. Then, a few weeks before I left for college, he started to act more distant and eventually broke up with me when I questioned why he cancelled our plans yet again (about a week before I had to move to college). I asked him why he was doing this and he just said he doesn’t have fun with me anymore and that I’ll find someone better than him. I did not use NC and tried to beg him to come back. I wrote him notes about my feelings too. He told me there is no chance of us getting back together (which is also what he said the first time). Lately we’ve been on better terms but I still notice that he’s trying to distance himself from me, even though we’d agreed to be friends. I’m planning to initiate NC now but I’m worried that it is too late and I’ve already ruined my chances.

Georgia

September 7, 2016 at 8:52 pm

He has tried to contact me multiple times now. What can I do to keep myself from giving in?
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 8, 2016 at 3:08 pm

Hi Georgia,

That’s good. Focus in the positive side of letting him miss you and negative side of giving in now.
Georgia

September 7, 2016 at 8:46 pm

Update: It’s only been three days and he’s already tried to contact me and re-followed me on social media. NC is working!
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 4, 2016 at 9:49 pm

Hi Georgia,

let’s say it is too late.. so that means you don’t have to lose now right? He’s already distancing himself from you, so if you keep trying to chase, it will just push him away. Try to do the no contact rule. Do 45 days because you begged. You have to really show that you’re not chasing anymore during and after no contact so, that he would be willing to start over as friends. And then slowly rebuild rapport and continue to improve yourself while rebuilding rapport.

Faith

September 3, 2016 at 7:48 pm

My boyfriend called it quits several days ago. Throughout the relationship he has been unsure and has even said that it was all fun and games and doesn’t really love me, yet a friend mentioned that he had said I could be the one. He has always been concerned about our 20 year age gap, whereas I have been absolutely fine with it. He has failed to commit in every relationship he has been in. I admit I also made some mistakes and am working on myself. I have started NC but still early stages. He left me once and I made the mistake of begging and he came back. This time I have decided it needs to change and if he wants to come back it has to be different. Because of the factor I can’t change; age, do you think he won’t come back?

Faith

September 8, 2016 at 3:04 pm

He didn’t quite get that I wanted space. He was happy to be around me. I think this worked for him and even me because we got our little ‘fix’ off each other by enjoying the company. I have made it clear that I cannot be friends. NC has started again!
I am doing a lot of reading and trying to focus on learning about myself. I am also looking into trying something new. I’m fairly active anyway so I wanted to try something different like learn a language or something to help me meditate like yoga.
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 9, 2016 at 3:24 pm

that’s good.. make new friends!
Faith

September 7, 2016 at 5:41 am

Ok, so i thought i would address my faults and work on improving myself. I wrote a letter and he has taken it well, however i now think i have been put into the dreaded friend zone. We work together and he left a book on my desk when i wasn’t around with a note saying he thinks i’ll enjoy it. I have been trying to be mature and do NC but as i see him this is awkward. I don’t want to come across as being rude. I don’t think he quite gets it.
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 8, 2016 at 8:11 am

What does he doesn’t get? You can thank him. And sending the letter actually breaks the nc rule. That means you restart the limited no contact and are you actively improving yourself?
Faith

September 3, 2016 at 7:50 pm

He was the one who called it off, out of the blue. The relationship wasn’t the best, we were arguing but not bad. I didn’t have a clue.
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 4, 2016 at 7:06 pm

Hi Faith

not to burst your bubble, but what if he only said that to his friend because his friend knows he doesnt easily commit and he doesnt want his friend to think that he’s a commitment phobe?

But it could be also that he let his guard down with his friend and he’s telling the truth

but he’s cautious because the 20 year age gap might mean you’re immature to commit with..

It’s not really the age gap, it’s how mature you are intellectually and emotionally.. If he sees you’re matured,.the age difference doesnt matter anymore..

Oh and that is if you’re the younger one..

If you’re the older one, that means he’s more probably concerned about the difference of priorities..

Brokenhearted

September 3, 2016 at 7:52 am

My boyfriend of just over 1.5 years, and domestic partner for 1 year left me 5 weeks ago. About 8 days later I “convinced” him to try again. We sat down, discussed our needs and wants and I thought kinda “signed off” on them. We got back together but he insisted on living elsewhere. Which I admittedly couldn’t handle well. Trying isn’t really what happened. More like expecting only different from me. Anyway….a measely maybe 13 days later, 2 weeks ago he called and ended it again before he was supposed to come for the weekend. I should probably note that in his anger fits he would often threaten to leave. Which he knows kills me especially due to a previous deeply abusive relationship. He has said repeatedly he loves me (something he is unfortunately most comfortable saying it seems along with goodbye). He also called it “agonizing” yet he did it! I basically begged him not to again. (Yes I know that was dumb) i reasoned. He would say what I said made sense but he kept reiterating the same lines about how his “instincts” are telling him “it won’t work.” I personally hate this because to me things work with effort of 2. Not perfection and not magic. He’s 48 and I’m 42. There’s tough stuff in our lives. We’re not kids who are fresh slates. It’s like he feels helpless about it and he’s not. No one cheated. No one gambled away tons of money. We don’t have major value differences.

I’ve been no contact since that night. He wanted me to shut up so i did. He texted me one time nearly 2 days later asking me (again) wanted to do about a shared activity. I ignored it. Not a peep since. He told me very early on he’s a very contrary person. I know if there’s any chance it absolutely has to come from him. Not only that but he’d need to be ready, sure and finally want to really try. I will always do more than my share- that is me…but I need to be met a little. Not just with resistance. I think the biggest issue was we fought too much. And too long/ugly but he failed to dee his part in that. The way he responded to me when I tried talking to him etc. I hated the fights too. I was enough of a victim in my past. No one would fear fighting more! He said all the time he spent his whole life avoiding conflict. A self lie imo bc he seemed to dive into itnhead first. He just wanted to then try to control it once he did.

So, just how screwed am I here? I hsd my issues too but I am a trier not an abandoner. I also had to hear how his wife gave up. Funny how it’s ok when it’s him! I know he went back to her afer breaking up with her a few times before they married. So based on that sort of thing and my own past and what we truly did have together part of me won’t stop hoping. But hope is so dangerous…

I think he may be “stubborn guy.” He could be “angry guy” but really though he may perceive it to be otherwise, i did nothing awful to him and so much for him. I want more than anything for him to realize what we share, some of it unique/atypical, especially these days (we’re kinda..traditional, though also modern enough), realize he DOES want us, and finally be ready to go “all-in.” (we play poker. I went all-in. He so did not. Not really)

Brokenhearted

September 8, 2016 at 4:44 pm

I have been “checking in” on Facebook a lot when I go places. I’m not sure if he’s seen any of it. Or sometimes friends do it. And there are some pics. Generally I look happy in them even if I’m so not over all. Nothing that anyone should consider “morally offensive” or anything. No guys hanging on me- that’s classless to me and would disgust someone more than make them want you, imo. Or like my feelings were a lie after all.
It’s stuff like movies, Theme Parks, a selfie of me at a water park where I like to swim etc. People loved that pic. It sounded like what Chris says about a good profile pic. I don’t actually want to change my profile pic atm since his cover photo is still of us. I thought these posts might show that I’m not (just) laying in bed sobbing and I can certainly do things independently and even alone. I’ve taken myself on a bunch of “me dates.” In part to prove a point, maybe. Should I not be posting these things or letting friends do it?

I just want to do what gives us the best chance. He may have alienated the hell out of me a lot, but all he is seeing probably is how HE was alienated, right now. Otherwise he might have tried contacting me. I want him to see he wants me and needs me and was wrong. (Assuming the repeated talk of loving me when he broke it off was true) That people have worked out far worse things, and throwing us away is a crazy waste of something even he had thought was meant to be, considering the things that occurred for us to meet. I don’t want to “push him away” further. He used to love to say (threaten?) During arguments that I was pushing him away. He seemed to have no clue or caring how far he was pushing me. Ugh. I just want him to go through his process, but get there. And not take too too long. It’ll make it a lot harder to get back to things even if he wants to.
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 9, 2016 at 10:25 am

if he really did move on, then take everything as a restart.. Approach the situation from the point of view that he has moved on.. so that means you’re not expecting him to have feelings for you, to ask you back.. basically a person that has no feelings for you that you have to attract
Brokenhearted

September 8, 2016 at 3:22 am

I’m trying to and will try to do all that you said. Tonight completes 19 days No Contact. He still hasn’t said another word. He also still hasn’t changed his facebook relationship status, pics etc but that probably means nothing. I seem to be getting worse, not better. Though I’ve been out doing social things as much as possible, I’m feeling pretty depressed.

None of the guides seem to truly account for the possibility that he may just be so done with me, which I fear terribly is the case. I’m partly in denial and partly that. I feel like unless he was lying about his love for me, he couldn’t possibly just throw us away…but that may be exactly what he’s doing. I hate this so much. 🙁
Brokenhearted

September 5, 2016 at 8:09 pm

Btw for what it’s worth, I should note I cooked dinner every night. I did his laundry. Too care of our home (mine, really) Made sure he had lots of room in the closets etc so he felt like he belonged. I packed him lunches a lot (Especially if he wasn’t being awful) i was affectionate. He also definitely was pleased with the physical aspects of our relationship. I bought him things he needed and little treats just as gestures. I even got him a Disney Pass for Christmas and a stay there. I was good and very welcoming to his children. I really cared for them. I fought my difficult family about him a couple of times which meant something to him bc his ex wife did not and it really bothered him. I believe in fixing myself despite being in a relationship and always cared about that. I lost 32 lbs this year as well! And have been trying for more. And other stuff! He meant so much to me and he never doubted that part. Yes I lacked some things I feel he should have given freely and I suppose I “pushed.” And he felt “pressure” all around. Life is pressure. We’re not kids. But I still don’t know what the heck he’s thinking in throwing me away the way he did!
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 6, 2016 at 3:11 pm

That’s very good that you know that you should maintain yourself while in a relationship because it’s very important. You took good care of him and you’re very affectionate, which is how anyone who loves should be but you also said you did everything for him. Maybe along with the fights, you were too caring for him. Like mommying him? I know it’s confusing because aren’t we all suppose to be caring? But it’s just a factor that I’m taking into consideration.

If the reasons are the fights and “mommying” him then basically what you need to portray is that you will not mommy him anymore if you ever get back together. You’ll have your own life, own routine and you’re just going to invest enough to keep him wanting more. Men like to chase. From you said, he sounds a bit introverted which means you have to take things slow and they don’t like too much pressure. They’re pretty laid back and sometimes they’re not good with words. And if he is like that, you have to do 45 days and then keep in mind that you need to take it slow once you get to talking to him again and you need to maintain your own routine.

And by the way, that means if you get back together, don’t do everything for him again. Let him miss you, let him miss what you usually do for him time to time. Make the efforts a little naughty, like if you’re packing lunches for him, include a little note and then skip some days because you’re going to do other things. Change up things from time to time so that there’s variety.And when you’re angry, avoid engaging in a fight, walk away to cool off and then talk about the matter when both of you are calm.
Brokenhearted

September 5, 2016 at 4:50 pm

I’ve read it and just read it again. Resistance makes sense since a lot ofbthe problem was his constant resistance while we were together. Though it was around 6 months in when it started to get difficult. Ironically that was around the time he claims he was sure he had fallen in love with me.

Anyway, the article isn’t very clear on what to do. Besides become the best woman ever. I suppose I get that concept. To some degree I think this is greener grass syndrome, but more so to be alone for now then…idk. I’m not sure what he thinks he’ll find so much better, consider his position in life, everything I did for him and how little he actually did in return. But, I know better than to make that assumption. Especially bc in the beginning he seems far more attentive and tries a little.

Do I still do the usual No Contact thing? I’m 17 days NC today. How long? How do I proceed? I can’t help but hope this time is helping him come to it on his own. He did say often he’s a person who needs “quiet reflection time.” And in our last conversation he did say at one point when I asked something like what if this is a mistake?, “then let me come to that on my own.” Unfortunately he’s reallllly stubborn (“contrary” is how he describes himself) ad it seems great at lying to himself. Last we spoke when he broke it off, he seemed almost desperate to convince himself of what he was saying about (his) “instincts say it just won’t work.” I gotta say….I’m starting to panic more. I’ve been going out almost every night doing something to keep busy but I still feel so awful. Perhaps worse as time passes. Yes i get he was overwhelmed. 4 kids, a demanding ex he feared saying no to, low funds, limited time- but he chose this path with me long ago! We had an entire life together! 🙁
Brokenhearted

September 4, 2016 at 3:43 pm

I don’t think it was boredom. He’s not exactly the adventure seeking type. His interests are largely things like watching tv, reading etc. Also, I’m fairly certain he was very pleased with the physical aspects of the relationship. We both were. If anything he’s overhelmed. He doesn’t handle his life well. He hasn’t been and I know he felt overwhelmed a lot. He feels too much “go go go.”
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 5, 2016 at 3:38 pm

Oh okay. He got tired with the fights and then he associated with you negativity. I think this article will help you more:
WHAT MAKES AN EX BOYFRIEND CHANGE HIS MIND ABOUT THE BREAKUP?
Brokenhearted

September 4, 2016 at 3:30 pm

I think largely because of the fighting, including the length and ugliness of the fights (though much of it was his doing).

He kept saying, though a lot of parts (of us) do work, his instincts are still telling him it won’t work. He kept saying that line. “My instincts are telling me it won’t work.” Fatalistic and helpless sounding.

I’ve been going out a lot. It seems like it’s getting worse for me now, not better. I haven’t said a word since the night of his latest dumping, August 19th. I think this is about being alone for him (not dating etc). He’s very into being alone and seems to just want things like tv more than anything. I really wish he’d realize he does want us and just needs to add to ny effort, and come try to get me back. But I know he’d have to come to it on his own. He even describes himself as “a very contrary person.” And he’d have to be really ready and know what he wants.

I’m familiar with NC from a prior (abusive) relationship so I’ve definitely gotten a little better at resisting. But, it should be said that he seems to have no interest in talking to me. He is silent too. I’m doing no contact on someone who isn’t contacting me anyway. 🙁
Brokenhearted

September 3, 2016 at 8:23 am

This is also the guy that has repeatedly said he hates that “Say something (I’m giving up on you)” song. I mentioned this weeks ago. He’s living the damn song!

Oh he also hasn’t changed his relationship status or pics on Facebook but that probably means nothing. Maybe just wanting to avoid “drama” for now. And he may just be not bothering for now and avoiding it. He scrolls on itnbut doesn’t post. My house is also still full of his stuff but that also isn’t a sign bc after the initial breakup I had told him he had his crucial stuff and if that’s all he wanted from me he was going to wait bc if he needs to give me time and enough has been on his terms. Then we were briefly back together until 2 weeks ago. So I’m assuming that’s why he isn’t bugging me about it (yet). Probably only that he knows I won’tbe receptive. It’s safe.
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 4, 2016 at 10:59 am

Hi Broken hearted,

why did he broke up you? did he get bored with the relationship? You should do 45 days and be active in improving yourself

Sasar

September 3, 2016 at 5:20 am

Oh well im in so much traum . I’ve been with him for 6years in the six years we’ve broken up more than I can remember,he was the one cheating and he would be the one dumping me and I would cry n beg him to stay but he would say “no I have someone one else”. So 2014 December he came back after a 12month no contact because I had moved on, he apologizes and begged me to end things with the person I had moved on with-which was hard because I had fell in love with the guy but not more than I loved him. So I told him that I can only break up with him if he promises marriage he said YES that’s y im her . I eventually broke up with the other guy n he proposed in December that year(2014) it didn’t lasts 7mintgs later he was back to the girl we had initially had problems with since I met him_he actually moved in with her. Wen I asked him he said “we fight a lot” but my thinking is WE FIGHT BECAUSE OF HIS INFEDILITY AND TRUST,by the way I still have the ring bit don’t wear it. So he said he can’t talk to me Eva again I CRIED everyday after that. And kept calling n begging he would tell me “u a pretty woman go put there n meet other ppl” , he eventually came back slowly NOT saying anything bout our relationship(still staying with the woman) just visit me but never sleep over. I again moved on(from your other writes I think was a rebound) he one day took my phone(I didn’t mind cause we weren’t dating) n read my messages from my boyfriend he FLIPPED and said WOW U CHEATING ON ME. I felt bad but don’t know y and I apologized I then asked him “are we in a relationship” he said he wanted us to try things out but after this he thinks we should stop. I dumped the messages guy because I that OH MY GOSH IM LOSING HIM AGAIN. He walked out and till today he doesn’t take my calls n no replies to messages,and apparently hes single no . I cry everyday cause it seems like this time I’ve lost him forever.
Please kindly advise what should I do,I love him so much and I can’t lose him I want him bac .

EBR Team Member: Amor

September 4, 2016 at 9:49 am

Hi Sasar,

he probably just used that text messages as excuse to really break up or get you out of life and to put the blame away from himself..

you need to listen this podcast:EBR 056: My Ex Boyfriend Cheated On Me Multiple Times… What Do I Do?

Carmella

September 2, 2016 at 4:28 pm

So me and my sons father were together for almost 3 years .. To keep it real there were a lot of secrets that I didn’t find out until this year .. I have two children and my daughter lost her father this past January so I feel like once me and the ex broke up in June .. My life has been in shambles .. I love this man to death but I know the person hes switched to during our separation is who he’s content with being .. He comes over spends the night and disappears to the other women’s (I’m assuming) homes.. I packed his things and he won’t take them .. A huge part of me is so confused how he could just let go and leave but the smart part of me knows that’s what !!!!!s do .. Sadly this is my best friend and I’m not ready to let go but I know I’m going to have to sooner or later.. I just need advice on how woman have dealt with moving on in these type of situations .. My son is only one and I waited 9 years to have another so I’m dealing with the whole I love my son beyond measures but he didn’t deserve to be his father.. So today I’ve come to the conclusion that he’s a serial lover .. I ignored his calls .. He texted 3 times .. Called restricted and un restricted .. Went to my car and there was a note saying that I’m very confusing and to answer his calls or text back .. So today I finally told him to change his address and I’ll drop his stuff off at his uncles and blocked him .. And I’m going to do the no contact

EBR Team Member: Amor

September 2, 2016 at 6:31 pm

HI Carmella,

Correct me if I’m wrong, but you are writing because you want to move on but don’t know how to?
If that’s yes, just keep in mind that it won’t happen overnight but you need to be consistent.. If he wants to talk about his son, just talk about that. If he wants to talk about feelings, tell him the truth that you’re moving on..

And you should read this article: How To Get Over An Ex Boyfriend When You’re Still In Love With Him

Miriam

September 2, 2016 at 8:41 am

Hi, I met a guy last November on a weekend out from a different country, we text every day to say hi, in May this year we decided to take it further, then he text everyday, we were very romantic and chatted about everything. He suggested meeting up and wanted to come to visit me, I had never visited his country so decided I would go there, 2 weeks ago I went, we had a lovely weekend although he seemed very nervous and said that we have all the time in the world to do what we text about, inc travel etc. He is 52 and never married. When I returned he sent beautiful texts and some pictures. 3 days later he stopped texting. I asked was there a change and he said no, that he was busy with work (never an issue before). Then again after 4 days I asked if I had reason to be concerned and he replied that everything was ok. That was a week ago. Is there any point in me employing the no contact rule to get him back? Or should I just move on.

Miriam

September 2, 2016 at 8:45 am

I forgot to mention we have previously booked time again at the beginning of October that included flights, he was meant to also come here in september
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 2, 2016 at 5:59 pm

Hi Miriam,

when was the last time that he initiated?

Gemma

September 2, 2016 at 8:09 am

Hi.. My bf broke up with me 1.5 month ago after 3 years. I’m a “complicate” person because I wanted everyrhing to be perfect and I expected a lot from the relationship. This made me get mad sometimes about him and it was him who always came after me. Lately, i wanted him to meet my family, but he didn’t want to, nor come with my friends. He was (is) a perfect guy, patient, lovely, and I blame myself for being stubborn, inmature and an angry person. He’s now 22 and me 24. He told me that que was tired although he loved me, but he has to be selfish and think on himself and the best for him is to be alone now.
He texted me the next day telling me the same, that it would be better for him to be alone, and I did’t answer. Next day he asked me how I was goinf and congratulated me for getting gratuated at the Uni. I just thanked. Then, a week later, I wrote him just to talk about a trip that we had paid and he told me that he wouldn’t go, so I cancelled. I told him that I missed him, and he told me that also he, but that we had to be strong and move on. He posts photos on instagram like he’s ok. Me too, but I’m not.
How can I take him back? I feel very very guilty altough I have’t cheated or lied. Is he inmature by now? Just want to hang out with girls? It’s so hard.
Thank you!

Gemma

September 2, 2016 at 8:11 am

Excuse me for my english, i’ts not my first language (i’m from Barcelona) 🙂
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 2, 2016 at 5:45 pm

HI Gemma,

It’s ok I understood what you were trying to say. I think he got tired of meeting your conditions. He felt inadequate.. Do you want to try the no contact rule? And then after that slowly reconnect with him? Slowly rebuild rapport and attraction.

Zoey

September 2, 2016 at 4:20 am

Hi,
I’ve taken upon your advice and am currently in the middle of NC. There’s one question that popped into my mind when I read this article. What do you think of an ex (bf) having an emotional affair/cheating whilst we were still together and that in the final moments of our relationship, he confessed and said that he doesn’t see us in the long term and he had planned to break up later this year (at a time of his convenience when he leaves town for work) and go on a trip with this girl he was having an (in my opinion) emotional affair with. He has shown signs of anger and maybe even ‘playing victim’ symptoms after we broke up and cut contact with him. He hasn’t reached out to me since. What is your opinion of his emotional and mental state?

Zoey

September 3, 2016 at 5:25 am

Supposedly he felt guilty but already have a replacement person in mind/ready when we broke up. Yet he seems angry/victim like last time we spoke before I went into NC. Would his mindset be stubborn that he refuse to msg me first or maybe he’ll be fine with NC as he already has someone to give him the attention?
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 4, 2016 at 9:58 am

he’s more likely a stubborn guy…and a guy that uses rebounds.. he’s used to you just chasing him, so he thought being angry will have an effect on you
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 2, 2016 at 4:14 pm

Hi Zoey,

in a way, if he confessed to you, that means he can’t do it. He conscience is bothering him because he knows that’s too much for you. And him being angry because you did no contact is just his way of controlling you to get you to reply because he’s used to you agreeing with him..

J

September 1, 2016 at 6:26 pm

I just need a little encouragement haha. I dnt have any friends that know I’m trying to get my ex back so u guys are all I have to talk to about this. I’m on day 21 of NC, struggling and feeling a little anxious, but I’ve stayed active on social media and have even gotten attention from other guys from this. I’ve also been broken up for 21 days. What does it mean when my ex watches all of my snapchat stories? And what does it mean that my ex still has our anniversary in his Twitter bio? He’s been more active on Twitter than he used to and changed a few things on his profile so he def knows it’s still there..
Thanks 🙂

EBR Team Member: Amor

September 2, 2016 at 1:04 pm

That’s a good sign girl! He’ll think you are trying to move on, and at least it would be easier to start a convo when you do.

Yves

September 1, 2016 at 4:35 pm

Hello,

My situation is slightly different. The guy in question was a friend and then we started dating, he told me less than two months that everything was moving too fast for him and he wasn’t ready for a relationship just yet but if we could be friends that he would love that. So I agreed, however we never really stopped ‘dating’ and continued to do couple like things. However a day ago he decides that we can no longer be just friends because we have feelings and he no longer wants to know me thinking it’s for the best. I want to be at least be in his life and me in his, will the no contact rule work here? I am wiling to slow down because I am not ready for a relationship either so friends was good for me, we just didn’t do it properly. Day 1 of NC.

EBR Team Member: Amor

September 2, 2016 at 11:04 am

Hi Yves,

we don’t guarantee that nc will work but from your saying, are you saying that you just want to be just friends too? If that’s just it, then dont reciprocate being flirty with him when you’re back to talking.. Because if the goal is to just be friends only, then you don’t have to do nc.. just stop being flirty with him.. Be the one to set the boundaries.

Stephanie

September 1, 2016 at 3:44 pm

My boyfriend and I were together for 2 years. We have already started over once before. Which is why I am doing the NC rule now because we didn’t before. The first initial breakup was messy. I started talking to a guy 3 days prior to breaking it off with him. He ended up finding out and went crazy. He literally threw my stuff out of his house at 3am and I moved in with my parents that night. I started spending time with this other guy but quickly found out from friends and family that he is not a good person. He is quite literally psychotic. My ex found out about this, freaked out, worried about me and begged me to break up with this guy. And I did after a 2 month period. Then me and my ex continued talking. We went back to being friends, then eventually fell back into the relationship together. Things were rough. He had trust issues, he was always scared and it made him act out. We eventually worked through that part together. But then as our relationship continued, I could tell that he was holding back. I broke his heart and he never got to recover from it or deal with how he felt after what I did to him. So we are where we are now. We both sat each other down and confessed that we don’t feel like it’s working. He’s holding back and I’m unhappy because I want his 100%. So we mutually decided to go our separate ways for a while. I love him and he still loves me. I believe that things can still work. I just think we need some time to figure out what’s going on with ourselves. Separately. We started texting everyday, I started becoming the frantic texter. I noticed that I was doing this after 2 days and then I just stopped. Because I learned what the NC rule is. I’m not sure if it will help. But it’s my last shot. What do you think?

EBR Team Member: Amor

September 2, 2016 at 10:50 am

Hi Stephanie,

I agree.. If you really want the relationship to work, he has to forgive you and you need to give him space for that to happen..

Gisell

September 1, 2016 at 3:43 pm

My ex boyfriend and I were going out for 4 years this year we made 5 years in November. We have done mistakes in the past, I done more mistakes than him to be honest but recently I just kept doing little things that bothered him to the point of breaking up with me. In the beginning of our relationship I kissed two guys but I changed and I never did it again but not he seems to not trust me and everything I do was wrong. Last thing I did was going out with my friend and stayed over her house and I didn’t inform him so he broke up with me. He is very hurt at me for the things I done in the past but he told me it was so many things that added up he is tired and he doesn’t trust me. I have said sorry many times after the break up but nothing. We been broken up for 3 months already but I have tried to be friends with him for two months because he agreed to it. In those two months he was somewhat hurtful. He will mention that he will not go back with me. I was trying to fix it because I was the one that kept doing dumb things but I got tired of him saying he wasn’t going back with me. Now after two months of trying to get back with him as friends I went into the no contact. Its been a month since I haven’t contacted him. Now he came back 2 days ago telling me he wants to take of his name out of apartment lease. He helped by putting his name in the lease for my apartment. I have been living alone, the contract expires next year June but he is acting like a jerk, He told me to start looking for something because he will take him name of the lease in January. I thought he would come back but not like this. He came back in a negative way.
I saw his best friend in the street and he didn’t want say hi to me but I said hi anyway in a happy way for him not see I am still sad about the situation, Today is birthday as well so I am pretty sure his friend will tell him he saw me. Do you think I still have a chance to get him back or he is definitely done with me?

EBR Team Member: Amor

September 2, 2016 at 10:31 am

Hi Gisell,

I think you have to change how you think about your relationship. Let’s say he’s not coming back. So that means you have to accept it and he has to see that you are moving on too, not chasing him. Have a restart.. Agree to him taking of his name to the lease. Be kind. Remember he has already moved on, so it’s his right to take his name off. And then find your own place if you need to.. How much have you improved in the last month?

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