Today we’re going to talk about the best response to being dumped by text. Most of the time when people write articles like this they’ll give you a step by step outline of what to say and I’m definitely going to do that but I’m going to encourage you to look a bit more long term in how you handle this breakup.
First things first, here’s my four step method for how you handle being dumped by text.
- Understand Why Exes Prefer To Break Up Over Text
- The Journey From Anxious To Secure Is Your Goal
- The One Word Text You Should Always Use In Response To A Breakup
- The Breakup Revenge Mentality
Let’s dive into the good stuff.
Step #1: Understand Why Exes Prefer To Break Up Over Text
Our research has indicated that most of our clients tend to have exes that are avoidant by nature.
This means that in general the exes we’ve researched tend to avoid conflict so it makes complete sense that they would prefer to break up over text. It’s always funny to me that people get extremely upset when their ex treats them this way.
I mean I get it. They feel that after all the memories they’ve shared they’re entitled to a more personal touch with the breakup but if they really understood the psychology they would understand why their ex chooses not to do that.
First things first, what’s an avoidant attachment style;
It’s someone who is so protective of their independence that they push their partners away when they feel that independence is being threatened. They’re afraid of letting anyone get too close.
One of the common symptoms of an avoidant is that they tend to “avoid” problems or conversations that require a lot of emotional intimacy. So, when you experience a breakup with an avoidant usually it manifests in two different ways.
- They’ll break up with you by slowly ghosting you
- They’ll break up with you through text
Notice the commonality between the two approaches. Essentially they don’t have to be in front of you physically and they remain in complete control of when the conversation stops.
So, let’s transition into the real reason you’re here. What are you supposed to do if you encounter a situation where your ex has broken up with you in text form?
Step #2: The Journey From Anxious To Secure Is Your End Goal
I used to feel kind of arrogant to make these claims in the past but I don’t really feel that way anymore.
I’m confident that I’m one of the few human beings on earth that has witnessed every type of breakup you can imagine. For ten years I’ve toiled away on this website trying to understand the intricacies that go along with them and here’s the typical pattern I’ve noticed when our clients get broken up with by their exes through text,
- Their ex breaks up with them through texts
- Our clients get super angry and demand to see them in person
- Their ex declines or says nothing
- Our clients then get even more upset and try to fix the problem in some way
Things just continue to escalate from there.
So, a couple of things,
First, it’s always best to approach your ex again when you have leverage. Immediately after a breakup is the one point in time where you have absolutely no leverage. We’ll talk about how to get leverage in a moment.
Second, most of the time when you’re trying to “gain closure” from your ex that’s your anxious side talking.
Let’s take a deeper look at that list I mentioned above,
- Their ex breaks up with them through texts
- Our clients get super angry and demand to see them in person (anxious type of action)
- Their ex declines or says nothing
- Our clients then get even more upset and try to fix the problem in some way (definitely an anxious trait)
Every “needy” action that our clients take is often driven by some anxious insecurity revolving around this need not to be alone which is perfectly understandable but this is the wrong way to approach a breakup, especially if you’ve been dumped.
Your goal should always remain the same,
Ask yourself, what would a securely attached person do?
A securely attached person allows themselves to feel heartbreak but they don’t allow the breakup to break them. Rather, they use the breakup as an experience in which they can evolve and learn from.
So, rather than giving in to your anxious tendencies recognize them for what they are and begin the long arduous process of turning those anxious qualities into secure qualities.
It’ll first start with your direct response to the breakup text.
Step #3: Use This Simple One Word Text In Response To A Breakup Text
So, your ex just sent you some long breakup text.
In fact, I’ll scan our private facebook group for a real life breakup text so we can use something from the real world here.
Ok, check this out,
This is a text message sent the day after this ex broke up with our client.
I’ve done a lot of thinking last night and this morning. I think you’re right in saying I’m not 100% over (redacted) which I thought I was and if I’m being honest I’m scared committing into another relationship. Yes, I’ve gotten upset over it because I’m still physically attracted to you, you’re kind, caring and my type. There’s something broken in me and until I’ve fixed it on my own I can’t be in a relationship. I’m happy to answer any questions you might have and will answer them as honestly and truthfully as I can.
Ok, there’s a couple of things to point out here.
It’s actually one of the nicer breakup texts that I’ve ever come across but the prevailing “thought” is that it read like a,
It’s not you, it’s me.
Type of a message.
How should our client respond to this? Well, my father always told me that there’s brilliance in brevity and I think that advice is relevant here. Rather than responding asking a bunch of questions I’d respond with one simple word.
There’s a couple of reasons for why I like this approach. First, it clearly indicates the opposite is true. Second, it’s one of the most commonly uttered words in the English language.
Essentially by saying, “Ok” or some variation of it you indicate to your ex that you’re not ok but you also don’t want to talk any more about it. You take that first step towards creating the leverage that is needed to eventually have that ex beg for you back.
The hard part of this response is what happens after it.
That’s where step four comes into play.
Step #4: The Breakup Revenge Mentality
Last week I wrote an article on how to get revenge after a breakup. It’s one of my favorite articles because it basically preaches the exact opposite of what you would expect.
Most people fall into the trap of looking at breakups as “losers vs. winners.” One of my favorite sitcoms of all time, “How I Met Your Mother” did a whole skit about this,
Here’s the thing though. While it’s great to fantasize about winners and losers after a breakup it isn’t productive in the real world. If you want revenge on your ex the best advice I can give you is to follow Frank Sinatra’s advice,
Because after all there’s no sweeter revenge than your success and that’s what I mean by the whole breakup revenge mentality. You aren’t supposed to try to “emotionally manipulate an ex” or “be the bigger winner.”
Why not improve every aspect of your life to such a level that you create envy within that ex?
That’s how you can make them regret their decision to leave you.
Funny story, when I was in my early twenties I dated this girl for about nine months and we broke up for a lot of reasons but namely my insecurities about her having a crush on another guy which created serious trust issues.
So, I end the relationship and am completely gutted. I mean, for months I had that typical “revenge mentality” saying things like, “I’m going to win the breakup.” Yet there would be nights that I was on the verge of picking up the phone to beg for her back.
I never did and as time slowly ticked by I started to focus on other areas of my life and got enveloped with what I was doing outside of my dating life. Specifically I got really into tennis,
I mean to the point of obsession where I would go out every single day and just turn into a serving, ball hitting machine. It didn’t hurt that my dad used to teach tennis so I ended up bonding with him.
I also ended up starting this website though helping a pregnant friend who was also going through a breakup but it didn’t look anything like what it is today,
Fun fact, I was literally afraid to put my face out online so I ended up using some clipart. Anyways, after a few months go by I’m at a UFC viewing party that my friend was hosting and I notice he gets a call and leaves the room an hour goes by and he finally comes back into the room, sits right next to me and says,
“Chris, my friend that was your ex. She was crying because her new boyfriend isn’t treating her the same way you were and she’s been seeing all the stuff you’ve been up to and regrets letting you go.”
It really made me a believer in the self improvement side of things and is actually how I came up with my very resonant holy trinity concept.
Not to be too poetic here but it kind of brings us back full circle to the “secure attachment mentality.”
What would a secure person do after a breakup?
They’d spend most of their time improving the aspects of their life they have control over and wouldn’t spend much of their time worried about aspects they have no control over.
That’s the best way to get revenge on your ex, live well.