Today we’re going to look at the six signs that show you that your ex is over you for good.
Except instead of giving you a traditional list I figured I’d dive deep and look at the most common “real” behaviors I’ve taken note of since I started Ex Boyfriend Recovery.
In all there are six that really stood out.
- Permanent Behavior Changes
- Your Ex Ignoring You For 66 Days
- They’ve Been With Someone New For More Than Eight Months
- Your Ex Takes All Of Their Things Back
- Shallow Conversation
- Their Words And Actions Align
Without further ado let’s get to those six signs that your ex is over you for good…
Sign Number 1: Permanent Behavior Changes
What I tend to find is that when people go through breakups there are quite a few behavioral changes. For example, where you and your ex were talking every day, you’re not talking any more. Maybe they used to like all your Facebook photos, posts and check-ins, but all of a sudden they’re no longer doing it.
As you get some distance through the break-up you kind of notice a pendulum swing when it comes to changes. One minute they’ll be liking your Facebook photos, the next minute they won’t, because of the breakup. Then as time goes by, you might notice the pendulum swing back again – them checking out your stories on social media is the most common example. They might even start liking things again.
What you need to look out for with exes who are over you for good are permanent behavioral changes. In other words, if you used to post and they used to like them, and they have never liked a photo ever again after the breakup, this is not a good sign.
But relying on something as simplistic as likes on social media won’t give you the whole story.
You need to look at their behavior in general.
So think about often your ex used to talk to you, how they typically used Facebook, how they used to communicate with your friends, and how they communicate with you if you still see them (e.g. at work).
If you start to notice that their behavior changes after the breakup seem to be sticking, meaning they do not go back to the way they used to do things, this is not a good sign.
Negative behavioral changes are a result of the breakup and are bound to happen, but can still be very upsetting.
Remember that this is an emotional reaction (whether the behavior is positive, negative or neutral towards you).
If he dumps all your clothes outside your house in the rain and doesn’t even let you know he’s done it – this is an emotional reaction, however cold and unfeeling it may seem to you. If he wasn’t really bothered either way, he’d probably be a bit more reasonable about this exchange of items. (And if not…is he really a good enough person for you?)
Similarly, if he ignores your requests to get your stuff back, it’s an emotional reaction. He cares enough, or is still annoyed enough, to withhold things from you that you are entitled to ask for.
If he’s not being all that reasonable…there’s a reason.
If he contacts you and tells you you are being really childish because you won’t speak to him (if you are in a No Contact Rule period), this is more obviously an emotional reaction.
But if you are in No Contact and he completely ignores you, don’t assume there are no feelings there and that he doesn’t care at all.
Until the new behavior lasts past your No Contact Rule period and continues into the texting, phone calls and meet-up stages, he may still be holding on to feelings about you and be missing you.
If you’re not sure what I’m talking about with the No Contact Rule and the other phases, it’s all detailed in the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro package, and I talk lots more about all these things on YouTube and here in the articles section of the website.
Now, it’s worth saying that even a subtle change in behavior back to how things used to be is a positive thing.
Watching your stories on Instagram or Facebook is a typical one, as I mentioned. He might like someone else’s photo which you feature in, or he might be ‘Interested’ in an event you have clicked on too. He might ‘turn up’ where you often are or just happen to bump into you. Someone might tell you that he talked about you to them.
These are signs that he’s curious at least, and are normal in circumstances where your ex is holding on to some lingering feelings.
If you’re in a situation where they’re not doing that, it’s not a good sign.
Sign Number 2: Ignoring You For 66 Days In A Row
Have you ever wondered how long it takes to make or break a habit? A simple online search might tell you that it takes something like 21 days.
But more recent research has suggested that it actually takes more like 66 days to either form or break a habit.
In ‘Making Habits, Breaking Habits: Why We Do Things, Why We Don’t, and How to Make Any Change Stick’, psychologist Jeremy Dean discusses a study at University College London. 96 people were asked to choose something they wanted to become a habit, e.g. drinking a glass of water every day after breakfast. For 84 days, they logged if they had done it or not, and also how automatic it felt.
On average it took 66 days until a habit was formed, that is until the action became an impulse and they hardly had to think about it.
This means you have 66 days before your ex’s habit of communicating with you (or thinking about you) has been broken.
But even this number isn’t cut and dried. The study’s participants had varying rates of success depending on how hard the habit was to form. More difficult habits, for example doing 100 sit-ups a day, quite simply take longer to form.
So, the habit of not talking to someone who was important to them will be a hard one to break for an ex, even if they say they no longer love you.
Habits are very powerful.
You can use strategies to take advantage of this difficulty in breaking a habit – like the No Contact Rule (contradictory though that may seem!) and good use of social media.
If you ex is curious about you, and especially if he sees how you are making the most of your life without him, you are making that habit of not talking to you or thinking about you harder to cement.
If you’re trying to build a habit like, say, taking a multivitamin with your breakfast, that’s probably going to be an easy one. But if you’re trying to break the habit of contact with an ex, someone you used to speak to and see often, that’s going to be harder.
All the emotions involved and all the other habits you maybe shared (FaceTime calls every Wednesday, date nights, pizza on a Friday night, grocery shopping every week…), will make it even more difficult for your ex.
Typically speaking, if you’re not talking with your ex that’s pretty normal. Breakups are negative, and men especially will often react by pulling away hard, and not interacting with you is part of this. It’s easier for your ex, especially if they broke up with you.
Here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery, we usually recommend that people do a No Contact Rule and don’t talk to their ex on purpose for a certain length of time.
Ignoring them is going to help you. And initially, them ignoring you is also going to help (even though it hurts).
No Contact means they have a chance to get over the breakup.
The negative, painful feelings associated with the breakdown of your relationship will fade. It also makes them curious about why you aren’t reacting typically to the breakup, for example by being visibly upset and begging for them back.
It also gives you a chance to recover and improve your life.
So how does this information about habits help you to tell if your ex is over you for good?
Well, if you attempt to reach out to them after No Contact and they ignore you for 66 days in a row, that’s not a good sign.
It means they have got out of the habit of talking to you. If they ignore you for 30, 35 days, anything up to the 66, that’s still within the range where it’s kind of okay.
After 66 days things don’t look so great. It will be harder (though not impossible) for you to regenerate that habit and get them wanting to talk to you again.
Sign Number 3: They Have Been With Someone For Longer Than 8 Months
A few months ago I did a video called Signs Your Ex Is Gone For Good. In it I explored this idea of exes moving on to someone else, and how this can be your biggest fear when you break up.
One thing I was looking at was when breakups typically tend to happen in rebound relationships, and in that video I concluded that
Between the month four and seven marks tend to be where rebound relationships begin to fail.
But it stands to reason that if a new relationship lasts for longer than 8 months, it’s beginning to get pretty serious and it’s not a good sign for them feeling any romantic feelings towards you. In other words, it’s a sign that he could potentially be over you for good.
Sign Number 4: Your Ex Takes All Of Their Things Back
Item exchanges after a breakup are one of the interactions you’re most likely to have with your ex.
What we typically find with men or women who are having some lingering feelings about the relationship is that they’ll tend not to give all of your things back or get all of their things back.
They’ll leave something in your possession or have something in their possession, that would allow for another interaction.
Leaving any of their possessions with you, or keeping your possessions, is a motivated ploy.
What tends to not be really good is if they take all of their things back and give you all of your things back. This means they are more likely to be over you. This isn’t as strong a sign as the others, but it’s something to watch out for.
It’s not as clear a sign because there’s the possibility that at the moment they want out and think it’s for good; this is a strong emotional reaction but might not mean there’s zero chance left.
Sign Number 5: Shallow Conversation
We all like to dream that conversations with our ex are going to be very in-depth and have a lot of meaning, but not all conversations tend to be like that. When you look at the kind of situation where an ex is really over it and doesn’t want to deal with you any more, you’ll find that shallow conversations become consistent.
So, what is a shallow conversation?
Quite simply, it’s when you’re texting your ex and they’re giving you those one-word responses like…
- That’s great
And you kind of sense that they’re not really into the conversation. They’re not responding to you that quickly, sometimes they don’t respond at all, and sometimes they’re just giving the generic responses that would be expected to be polite.
This is what we call a neutral response. It’s better than no response at all, but it’s not a great sign.
They would also tend not to initiate conversations. They will respond with the minimum of effort, but they will never be the first to get in touch. That’s not good either.
Sign Number 6: Their Words And Actions Align
I’m a big believer in words and actions aligning. So if someone says, “I’m over you,” or, “I don’t love you any more,” or “It’s not you, it’s me,” that doesn’t really mean much to me, especially when you’re looking at the clients I work with.
What’s more important is actions.
What someone does is far more important than what they say.
I can’t tell you how many women I’ve helped get back with their ex-boyfriends who’ve literally had their exes say, “I don’t love you any more, “This isn’t for me,” “You need to move on,” only to have them come back a few months later saying, “I didn’t really mean that…”
What matters most are a person’s actions. So if you have an ex who has said any of those things, if their actions align with that over the course of 66 to 90 days, that’s usually not a great sign for you.
But if your ex says they never want to see you again, then they’re creeping on your social media, that’s their actions not aligning with their words.
If they say they’re over you but they watch your every move when you happen to be in the same bar or party, that’s actions and words not matching up.
They are still orbiting around you, and their actions tend to tell the story of what they’re really thinking.
Note that it can definitely take longer than a couple of months to get an ex back. In fact, we find that at the absolute best, clients can see results within three months at minimum. That’s 90 days, and that’s if things are going well. Sometimes it can take a year or more to see results, and you have to be doing the right things.
So keep that in mind.
If you still think you have a chance, the best and fastest way to find the answer to that questions is to take that super simple and fast quiz here on the site.
And if there’s anything you want adding to this article, please let me know in the comments below. I love interacting with you all, and I try to personally answer as many questions as I possibly can.