As human beings, we have this constant need to respond to others.
If your ex reaches out to you, you will definitely want to respond to him, and if you reach out, you’ll undoubtedly want him to respond back too.
But it’s not always a good idea to send a response.
In fact, no response is still a response and a pretty powerful one of that.
This article will take you through why the power of silence can be your greatest tool in the journey of getting your ex back.
The Power Of Silence Is Underrated
A lot of people who come to me want to get their exes back, and most of them are surprised when I introduce them to the no contact rule.
It seems counterintuitive to them to deliberately ignore their ex and stop all contact instead of trying to win them back actively.
If you really think about it, though, if your words had the power to bring your ex back, why didn’t they work to prevent your breakup?
Sometimes silence has much more impact than words ever could.
Let’s break this down even more.
Here’s something that might be difficult to hear –
Ordinary people do not like solitude. But solitude is often where you have epiphanies that help you grow spiritually and philosophically as a person.
Most people detest solitude because they don’t like being alone and don’t know what to do when that happens. That solitude is often the driving factor for people who make rash decisions like irrational apologies or immediate concessions to get their ex back.
You need to step out of that mindset. Solitude allows you to embrace yourself in a way you might not have done before by giving you the time to truly self-reflect on your place in the universe and how you want your life to go.
The Power Of Self Reflection In Solitude
A lot of people today don’t spend enough time on self-reflection after a breakup even though it’s the most crucial thing to do.
Self-reflection shows you whether you actually need your ex back in your life or if you just want them to fill that void of loneliness you’ve had since they left.
People make the mistake of obsessing over getting their ex back so much that they forget to truly remove the blinders from their view and realize that their ex was just a small part of their overall life. If you spend this time self-reflecting, it gives you much more power and leverage when you go after your ex to get them back.
You’d be reading this all day if I actually shared all examples of how successful people have been when they used this solitude to their advantage. Most people waste time after a breakup lamenting over their thoughts and exaggerating their depression by moping around all day as opposed to thinking how they can make the best of this moment.
Here’s what I’ve noticed in my 30 years on this earth- human beings tend to want to put things forth when they’re not ready to be put forth.
What does that mean?
Well, we speak first without thinking while we really should be thinking first and speaking later.
Simply put, a breakup puts you at your most emotionally vulnerable state, and those emotions can confuse and cloud your sense of judgment.
Emotions make you say things in the heat of the moment that would probably have been best left unsaid.
Perhaps your ex has done something like this before that deeply upset you. Hearing your loved one say something like “I never loved you” or “I hate you” can take a toll on you, and your heartbreak makes you take that at face value.
The Show Don’t Tell Mentality
You might not realize that it wasn’t true, and your ex loved you very dearly at one point; maybe he just doesn’t have those feelings anymore, or maybe he still does, but he is too angry to express himself clearly.
We, humans, are extremely fluid in our emotions, so we don’t feel the same thing throughout our entire lives. Then, don’t you owe yourself time to figure out your relationship with your ex after the initial shock of your breakup passes away?
We are all capable of change. In fact, it’s probably one of our greatest assets. Our feelings and circumstances can change, so if you just get wrapped up in what your ex said, it can be difficult to move forward. So, you respond by saying things back at them, and you just dig yourself deeper into a hole.
The biggest benefit of being silent is thus that it allows you time to self-reflect so that whenever you do have something to say to your ex, its impactful and well thought out.
This is also one of the greatest reasons for you to adopt a show don’t tell mentality. Most people, when they think they should say something to their ex, tell something to their ex. Personally, I think its way more impactful to SHOW something to your ex.
For example, let’s say that you lost a bunch of weight, and you’re extremely proud of that, so you naturally want to tell your ex about it when you start speaking to them again. You might want to shoot them a text that says something like, “Hey! I lost 20 pounds”.
Instead of doing that, it would be better and more impactful if you show them that by posting an amazing picture of yourself on social media for everyone, not just your ex, to see your incredible journey. This doesn’t just serve to alert your ex to your change, but it also boosts your confidence when your friends, family, and other potential lovers comment on it. It might even make your ex jealous and protective.
The internet is full of amazing quotes, but one of my favorite quotes of all times is by someone who chose to stay anonymous: “Maybe you sit there and view your silence as a weakness, but I view it as the opposite.”
After all, no response is essentially implementing the show don’t tell mentality.
Implementing the no contact rule and serving silence incites certain feelings and fears that your ex has.
What People Think Vs. What Actually Happens
Whenever I’m working with a client it almost feels inevitable for them to disagree with my no response is a response mentality. So, I figured what I’d do is show the four things that people often think when they engage in this mentality as opposed to what actually happens.
- People think their ex will completely forget about them if they don’t respond
- People think the no contact rule works differently for men than it does for women
- People believe that no contact should only be used to get over your ex
- People believe that if they use silence on their ex that they will just move on to someone else
Let’s address these major differences in what people think and what actually happens.
False Belief #1 – People Think Their Ex Will Forget About Them If They Use Silence
The opposite is actually true.
There’s this psychological theory called reactance that deals with behavioral freedoms. I actually talk about it in this video,
We all have certain behavioral freedoms, and we’re satisfied with our lives as long those freedoms are recognized.
However, the moment someone takes away one of those freedoms, our bodies and lives descend into chaos, and we desire those freedoms back.
So, when you actively choose not to respond to your ex, you’re taking away their behavioral freedom of being able to talk to you. Their mind makes them think about talking to you even more, and they will thus try to get you to talk to them again; however, they can.
That’s precisely the opposite of being forgetful if anything they probably remember the times they spent with you even more.
False Belief #2 – The No Contact Rule Works Differently For Men Than Women
Anyone saying this hasn’t done the proper research to support this claim because there is almost no difference in both gender’s reactions to the no contact rule.
What research have I done you ask.
Well, I actually have two large websites.
We have a lot of data.
I will concede that women have slightly more power during the no contact rule, but overall, I’ve seen the no contact rule work just as well for men and women who are trying to get their exes back.
False Belief #3 – The No Contact Rule Is Only Something You Use To Get Over Your Ex
I think that can be true in certain situations, but we have several success stories of it working on getting your ex back.
The no contact rule shouldn’t be looked at in this straight and narrow way with blinders on.
I see this rule as a choose your adventure scenario where you could start the no contact period wanting your ex back, and midway through it, you could realize you’re much better off without them or vice-versa.
One of the benefits of using the no contact rule is that it gives you the time you need to make these difficult decisions, and often times when you’re making difficult decisions, you shouldn’t do it in a highly emotional state.
The no contact rule lets you level out that hyper-emotional state and use logic to decide whether getting your ex back is the best thing for your future.
False Belief #4 – If You Use Silence On Your Ex They Will Find Someone New
Here’s what I have to say about that: if you’re in a situation where your ex moved on to someone else, you have to look at how fast they moved onto someone else and how quickly you implemented a no contact rule.
I find that sometimes the timing correlation can be off.
The problem I find is that most people learn about the no contact rule much later after their breakup, so their ex has had the time to move on.
The most effective way to use the no contact rule is to implement it immediately after a breakup.
Often times in clients who do use the no contact rule immediately after a breakup, the opposite happens.
If their exes do immediately “move on,” it’s mostly a rebound relationship.
No response is not only a response but is sometimes the best response you could use.
Your silence not only has the power to push your ex to miss you, but it also gives you clarity about what you need in life.