Last year I surveyed my audience via my email list.
(If you want to get on my email list all you have to do is sign up for the “Sarah Vs. Kai” case study that I keep pitching all over the place in this website.)
Anyways, like I said, I surveyed my audience and asked a simple question,
What would you like me to write about?
By the end of the day over 300 answers had come back.
Not too bad when you consider I only asked around 1,200 people.
Now, since I tend to be an overly diligent person when it comes to this website I ended up writing all the answers that were repeated down and started formulating a game plan on how I was going to answer these questions.
My Game Plan– Write super long in-depth articles to help everyone on the website
How did this work out for me?
But there was something that I wasn’t counting on happening.
There was one answer that I got back that I wasn’t expecting.
“Introverted Vs. Extroverted Boyfriends And How To Get Them Back”
One thing that is clear to everyone walking this planet is that every human being has a unique personality.
And one thing that is clear to everyone reading this site is that every single “get your ex back game plan” is different.
So, wouldn’t it make sense that an ex boyfriend who is a bit more “introverted” by nature would require one type of a game plan where an ex boyfriend who is a bit more “extroverted” by nature would require another?
That’s what we are here to explore.
Let’s Talk About Introverts And Extroverts
The dictionary defines an introvert as,
A shy, reticent person
Reticent means “not revealing ones thoughts readily.”
For the record… I didn’t know what “reticent” meant and had to look it up so don’t think I am some genius who knows how to use ten dollar words…
Now lets take a look at extroverts,
An outgoing, overtly expressive person
Wow, what a difference.
So basically you have an introvert who wants to stay home and not take any risk and then you have the extrovert who wants to go out all the time and take tons of risks.
Now, generally speaking there is an interesting “Yin and Yang” effect that goes on in relationships with introverts and extroverts.
The Introvert & Extrovert Yin/Yang
I love the idea of Yin and Yang.
You see, in Chinese Philosophy Yin and Yang describes how opposite forces are not only attracted to each other but actually compliment each other. In fact, some philosophers would go as far as saying that they couldn’t live without each other.
You have heard the phrase,
Well, that phrase perfectly sums up what Yin and Yang is trying to tell us and I can’t think of a better analogy to use for introverts and extroverts in relationships.
You see, often times I see relationships where one party is an introvert and the other is an extrovert.
My wife and I are kind of like that…
Can you guess who is what?
Well, I’m introverted,
And my wife…
Well, she is extroverted,
My point is that it is very possible for introverts and extroverts to co-exist and if you believe in Chinese Philosophy then techincially introverts and extroverts can’t exist without each other.
But what happens when the introverts and extroverts break up?
What are you supposed to do then?
Well, the answer may shock you.
Does Yin & Yang Work For Getting Introverts & Extroverts Back?
The yin and yang theory I mentioned above is all about introverts and extroverts co-existing but when it comes to re-attracting the name of the game isn’t to highlight your major differences between your ex (assuming you are the opposite of what they are.)
It’s to highlight your similarities.
Have you ever seen the movie “High Fidelity?”
There is a quote in that movie that I have found to be quite true when it comes to re-attraction.
What really matters is what you like… Not what you are like.
Now, is this a quote that is going to hold true in the long run?
No, because the truth is that eventually your personality and what you are like matters the most but at the beginning… Well, it often get’s overlooked doesn’t it?
It’s that whole idea of judging a book by it’s cover.
And believe me when I say that most men do judge a book by it’s cover.
But what do you do if the man you are trying to get back has already read your book?
What if he is extroverted and you are introverted?
Remember our quote.
What really matters is what you like…
An introvert cannot re-attract an extrovert in an introverted way just like an extrovert cannot re-attract an introvert in an extroverted way.
What needs to happen is that if you are the opposite of what your ex boyfriend is then you need to prepare yourself to kill the ying/yang theory of “opposites attract” and shift your paradigm into believing that “opposites don’t attract.”
Or perhaps we don’t need to kill the yin/yang theory entirely because you ultimately won’t be able to change your nature but maybe we just overload one side of the yin/yang at the beginning to re-attract your ex.
I guess what I am trying to say here is that there are two ways to re-attract an ex boyfriend.
And those ways are entirely dependent on his personality.
You have the introverted way and the extroverted way.
Lets talk a little about that now.
Before I get started I want to say that I personally know more about introverts than extroverts. I mean, that’s just what happens when you know one.
It’s sort of if I asked you to tell me about yourself.
Well, you would probably know more about yourself than someone who knows you but isn’t you.
Now, this is a great thing for those of you who are trying to get an ex boyfriend back who is very introverted. But that’s probably only half of you. The other half who are trying to get back (extroverts) are probably looking at their phone or computer screen and going,
All I can tell you is that while I may not know extroverts as well my wife certainly does…
Thus, I am going to use more of her ideas in the extroverts section below. But for now, this section is dedicated to the introvert ex boyfriends.
Are you ready?
Let’s talk about what an introvert is.
The Characteristics Of An Introvert
Above I gave you the dictionaries definition of an introvert,
A shy, reticent person
But a definition is a defintion.
What I would like to do is go outside the definition and think outside the box a little.
What makes an introvert an introvert?
Well, I suppose the first thing that you need to know about us is that we are deep thinkers…
In other words, we don’t just look at a situation and act.
No, we often like to think before we act.
While this can certainly be an advantage it actually turns out to be our greatest disadvantage when it comes to dating.
Let me give you an example.
Lets say that you start dating an introvert… Lets call him Billy.
Alright, now Billy is the sweetest guy you have ever met in your entire life but he is very shy and guarded. You see, Billy has dated in the past and things haven’t really worked out for him that great.
His ex girlfriends have cheated on him…
Women have rejected him…
All in all, things haven’t gone so great for him.
Now, when you hear him tell you things like this your eyes actually light up because you know that your relationship with him is going to be better than anything he has ever experienced before,
You aren’t the type of girl to cheat…
You clearly aren’t rejecting him…
Oh, and things ARE going to go great…
But that’s not the way he looks at it.
You see, in his mind he is always going to be on guard because he is preparing himself for a “worst case scenario.”
Which means that the first time you slip up… The first little tiny mistake and he is going to build the wall of protection even higher around him.
Lets talk about that now.
Lets say that things between the two of you are going great and then you make a mistake.
He goes on Facebook one day and checks on your page only to see that you have posted a picture with a guy friend,
For the record… I have yet to meet a man who is ok with this so this isn’t a thing that is exclusive just to introverts. Anyways, since your introverted boyfriend is always worrying about the worst case scenario he looks at this little mistake by you as a sign that history is going to repeat itself.
Now, another thing that a lot of people talk about in relation to introverts is the fact that they aren’t very outgoing.
Let me tell you the psychology behind this.
The Psychology Behind Why Introverts Don’t Like To Go Out
I feel that I can teach you a lot about this in particular because this was my main problem as an introvert.
Let me tell you how my life used to go.
I only go out one time a day and that is just to play tennis for a few hours (ALONE.)
Other than that I usually only go out to pick up food because as a human being I do require food to live.
That was before I met Jennifer (my wife.)
Now she forces me to go out.
But you don’t care about that. What you care about is the psychology of why I enjoyed a solitary lifestyle.
And as much as it pains me to admit this I think it was all about safety. I liked living in a cocoon because it was safe. No one could hurt me or say anything hurtful to me. In fact, I was such an introvert that it took me months before I got the guts to put my picture up on this website.
(But now I do it all the time.)
To be honest…
This site has been an incredible outlet for me and I began to notice that the more I put my personality out there the more you guys liked me so I just kept doing it and doing it and now here we are.
But at my core it’s still all about safety. I feel safer staying in.
This is doubly true when an introvert is in a couple.
Because, an introvert is always looking at the worst case scenario (remember we are deep thinkers.)
So, lets use our fake example of Billy and you dating.
Lets say that you want to go to a party one day and you really want Billy to go with you,
Now, you look at the party as a really fun event where you can let loose and have fun.
Billy on the other hand…
Well, he looks at it in a different way.
Remember how introverts look at the worst case scenario?
What’s the worst case scenario of having him go to this party?
Well, since you are a very beautiful woman he knows that you are going to garner a lot of attention from the opposite sex.
Attention from the opposite sex = You being hit on
Now, lets all be honest here.
Being hit on is kind of nice.
It’s nice to be wanted. But what if you thought it was a little too nice?
What if you accidentally slipped up and started dancing with this guy who was hitting on you?
What if that dancing turned into something more?
What if you kissed him?
Well, the best way to avoid that is going to the party at all.
And therein lies the mindset of an introvert.
We like safety.
Anything that runs a risk of not being safe emotionally we are not cool with that…
How To Get An Introvert Ex Boyfriend Back
Are you ready to learn how to get an introverted ex boyfriend back?
Ok, here we go.
Take a look at the graphic below,
Since introverts tend to be more guarded and less outgoing the entire process of getting them back is going to take a bit longer than normal and that’s ok. Anyone who tells you that getting an ex boyfriend back is a fast process is lying to you.
So, there are really two core ideas behind getting an introverted ex boyfriend back.
- The no contact rule
- The extended value chain
However, there are “added aspects” within each of these two core ideas which is why you see the two core ideas in the middle of the graphic surrounded by circles and the “added aspects” surrounded by squares.
Don’t worry I am going to cover everything for you.
Lets start with the no contact rule.
The Introverted No Contact Rule
The biggest fear here with women who are dating introverts is the fact that if they leave an introvert alone they will get used to life without them and ultimately kill any chance that they have of winning the introvert back.
Thus, some women opt NOT to do a no contact rule on an introvert.
Let me tell you…
This is the worst thing that you can possibly do.
Introverts like time alone. Hell, we love it.
In fact, I think a case can be made that being in a relationship is extra tough for an introvert due to the fact that you always have to be taking care of the other person. Thus, introverts don’t get their patented “alone time” that they value so much.
So, the worst thing that you can do is badger them more AFTER you have already badgered them enough during the relationship.
That’s what makes the no contact rule such a great fit for introverts.
It’s something that you can do to not only improve your chances of winning them back later but give them the space they are desiring so much.
Besides, absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Anyways, I am sure you noticed when I told you the game plan for introverts above that there were these funny squares attached to the “no contact” entry,
I’d like to spend a minute to talk about those.
Lets start with the “admire from afar” tactics.
Admire From Afar Tactics
One of the most quoted studies on this entire website is one that was performed by a graduate student at “The University of Western Ontario” named, Veronika Lukacs,
She basically found that nearly 90% of people look at their exes profiles on Facebook after the breakup
Based on this study I have constantly recommended that women use Facebook as a tool to create some attraction and make their exes miss them even more. Well, I am an introvert and I can tell you that just because my kind isn’t as outgoing it doesn’t stop us from watching our mutual friends (and exes) who are outgoing on social media sites like Facebook.
Heck, I am not afraid to admit that when I went through my breakup with my ex I looked at her Facebook profile for about a month trying to see if she was shattered or if she was having the time of her life.
You can use Facebook and other related sites as a tool to incite some attraction for your introverted ex boyfriend.
Your ex boyfriend pulls up your profile on Facebook one day and he sees you in a brand new outfit and thinks,
“Wow, I didn’t remember her looking that good when I was dating her.”
Ah, and what about that picture that you posted where you went on vacation with your family to the Bahamas and were in a bikinni and looking better than you have ever looked before,
“Holy crap… She really didn’t look like that when we were together. Maybe I made a mistake…”
And what about that guy friend that you have been hanging out with lately..
What if your introverted ex boyfriend sees you with him?
Do not post that picture of a guy friend on Facebook for your ex to see. Look, I know that I do recommend jealousy in my PRO System and even talk about specific jealousy text messages you can send in the Texting Bible but as I explained above, introverts have a worst case scenario mindset and they don’t take too kindly to jealousy.
Think of a turtle.
You know how when turtles are scared they put their heads in their shell?
That’s your ex boyfriend reacting to jealousy,
And the last thing that we need your introvert ex boyfriend to do is to go back into his shell.
We want him to come out of his shell.
So, no jealousy tactics at all on your ex boyfriend.
Lets talk about the value chain now.
The Extended Value Chain
Your aware of my value chain theory, right?
Well, if you aren’t then I suggest you read this to find out what I am talking about.
Of course, I do realize that most of you are too lazy to click on that link so allow me to give you a quick crash course on what the value chain is.
The value chain is my way of quickly summarizing what I want you to do after the no contact rule.
The idea behind it is that you are going to move your ex boyfriend up the value chain.
Now, what does that even mean?
Well, after the no contact rule I have found that women immediately want fly out of the gate to win their boyfriends back.
(AKA: They ask for a date right after NC.)
This is the equivalent of sending soldiers on a suicide mission. I have seen thousands of women try this approach and fail.
Simple, they didn’t do anything to earn that date.
They didn’t move their ex boyfriend up the value chain.
Hear me out before you roll your eyes and swear off Ex Boyfriend Recovery forever.
Which approach do you think yields more success?
Approach two, right?
Because it utilizes “the value chain” or a way of slowly working your ex boyfriend up to the romantic dates.
Think of it like a baby learning to walk the first time.
A baby doesn’t come out of the womb and immediately start walking.
No, it takes months and months of practice and preparation.
First they start to sit up…
Once they have mastered that they begin to crawl…
Then once they crawl they begin to stand up…
Once they have mastered standing up they finally begin to walk.
It doesn’t just happen overnight. There is a natural progression.
Well, when it comes to getting an ex boyfriend back the value chain is that natural progression.
But where the heck do introverts fall into this?
How do we approach a value chain with an introverted ex boyfriend?
Ah, I am glad you asked.
If you remember our graphic from above there were specific instructions about the value chain,
So we are obviously going to extend the value chain for an introvert but what the heck does that other stuff mean?
Low key dates?
What the hell is that?
Ah, those are the tweaks that you are going to be making to the value chain that I talked about above. Lets start with texting.
Your Value Chain Needs To Be Text Heavy
Introverts are shy by nature so you want to handle them with care.
As I have stated multiple times throughout this article, I am an introvert and let me tell you that it takes a lot for us to come out of our shell.
In fact, we really need to trust the person in order to do that.
So, here is my idea.
Since introverts are guarded by nature lets make your value chain a lot more text heavy.
Generally speaking I teach women to contact their ex in three methods of communication,
- Phone Calls
- In Person
Out of these three methods of communication the least threatening is form is texting.
So, my idea for introverts is this. Instead, of moving up the value chain traditionally extend your texting period a lot. Really get your introvert used to talking to you again.
Don’t be in a rush.
Low Key Dates
Now, a time will come where you move up the value chain so much that you are going to forced to go on dates with your ex boyfriend.
(Not that anyone is forcing you 😉 .)
Instead of pushing for the most romantic date of your life I recommend that you suggest a very low key non threatening date for the two of you.
Again, introverts need to be handled with care and you need to take things SLOW.
So, opt for the low key date of dinner and a walk around the park instead of dinner by the beach with a violin player serenading the two of you.
How To Get An Extrovert Back
Do you remember how I talked about introverts and extroverts sharing this interesting yin and yang connection?
Well, as you are about to say, that analogy was well placed (if I do say so.)
Take a good look at the introvert game plan,
Did you get a good look?
Ok, now lets look at the extrovert game plan,
It’s essentially the same game plan with the opposite switches.
Still don’t get it?
Ok, lets look at the section entitled (no contact)
In the introverts game plan I say NOT to use jealousy. However, in the extroverts game plan I say to USE jealousy.
What about the value chain?
For introverts I say extend it.
For extroverts I say to shorten it.
Remember, yin and yang…
Yin and yang…
Lets take a closer look at the extrovert game plan.
The Extroverted No Contact Rule
The big difference with the extroverts no contact rule are really these two things,
Self improvement and jealousy…
Lets talk about the self improvement bit first.
When I talk about self improvement what do you think I am really talking about?
Self improvement on your knowledge of break dancing?
I mean, I guess if that’s what floats your boat sure but I am talking more physical self improvement. Look, we all know that men are impressed with looks above all else right out of the gate so here is my idea.
Imagine that when you were dating your extrovert ex boyfriend you looked like this,
Not that flattering of a picture, huh?
Well, during this period of no contact I want you to look like this by the end of it,
The point is that I want there to be a clear difference.
I want people to not even recognize you.
Well, extroverts are more outgoing by nature, right?
This means that it would make sense that the two of you will eventually bump into each other and when you do…
Well, he is going to be blown away by how good you look.
Now, I know what you are thinking,
“Ya, ya, ya we get it… But we really want to know about jealousy.”
Making An Extrovert Jealous
I talk a lot about jealousy on this website.
And the truth is that jealousy tends work quite well with with extroverted ex boyfriends.
How do I know this?
Ugh… I really hate to admit this because I do not like talking about this subject but I know this because of some of the stories my wife has told me. You see, before she met her knight in shining armor,
She dated some duds.
And since she is an outgoing and extroverted person these “duds” also tended to be outgoing and extroverted.
Upon some unfortunate prying from me she told me a few of the stories about them and what used to work on them.
The name of the game is jealousy.
You see, one of these a**hats did something to her that was pretty despicable so rather than getting into a massive fight with him she decided to go hang out with her mom at a restaurant/bar instead. Well, while at a restaurant/bar she decided that she would “accidentally call” this guy and just leave her phone open so he could hear what was going on.
That’s all it took…
She wasn’t hitting on any guys and I don’t think any guys were hitting on her…
(Though she could have left that part out to spare my feelings. If so, thank you 🙂 .)
Anyways, the fear of guys hitting on her is what scared this “dud” into apologizing for what he did and making amends.
Jealousy works on extroverts.
Shorten The Value Chain
There are two kinds of people in this world.
Those who take their time… (introverts)
Those who don’t… (extroverts)
In all seriousness, there are probably a lot more than two types of people but I just wanted to say, “there are two kinds of people in this world,” because they always say that line in movies and I think it’s just the coolest.
Anyways, my point is simple.
Extroverted men don’t usually have a lot of patience and we are going to use this to our advantage by shortening the value chain,
As you can see by the graphic above we are going to do this in two ways,
- Making quicker progress up the value chain
- Going on romantic dates sooner
Lets start with the making quicker progress.
Make Quicker Progress With The Value Chain
There is really only one thing I want to talk to you about with this and it’s actually not “making quicker progress” with the value chain.
I figure you don’t need me to explain to you HOW to make quicker progress.
I mean, it’s not rocket science.
Just go faster.
But I am getting off topic here.
What I really want to talk to you about is the fact that you still have to do the value chain.
I know what your thinking,
“Wait, what do you mean?”
Well, just because you get to go quicker up the value chain doesn’t mean you get to skip the value chain.
You still have to work your way up and earn your right to go on a romantic date.
Speaking of romantic dates…
A Romantic Date With Your Extrovert
The name of the game with introverts was to shy away from romantic dates really until you officially got them back.
That isn’t the case with extroverted men. In fact, I would say that extroverted men really love romantic dates.
As for what to do on the date?
Well, I suggest you read this.