By Chris Seiter

Published on December 3rd, 2021

Today we’re going to look at exactly how to play hard to get with a guy.

As always, every assertion I make is going to be backed up from real life success stories that either my team or I have advised or personally coached.

In all, there are eight concepts that I want you to grasp when you’re playing hard to get

  1. Understand What Successful Playing Hard To Get Looks Like
  2. The Open Loop Concept (Zeigarnik Effect)
  3. Always Look Busy (Social Media)
  4. Social Proof (Other Men Find You Attractive)
  5. Find That Perfect Balance Between Stability And Mystery
  6. Improve The Cadence Of Your Text Responses (Both in word count and response time)
  7. Answer This Question “What Is He Missing Out On?”
  8. In Order To Get The Guy You Need To Be Willing To Lose The Guy

I don’t expect you to be an expert in any of these concepts right now but by the end of this article you will be.

Let’s get started.

Concept #1: Understand What Successful Playing Hard To Get Looks Like

I may be most well known for being the author of “Ungettable: Becoming The Man Every Woman Wants.”

By it’s very definition an ungettable girl is a woman that is hard to get. Of course, some of our clients take this a little too literally and become impossible to get and therein lies the problem with “playing hard to get.”

Most people obsess about the different tactics or strategies they can implement to make them seem “hard to get” but completely miss the boat on the fact that the tactics are only half the equation.

The other half revolves around building up an unrivaled connection. After all, the entire point of you playing hard to get is to get into a relationship.

Think of it like an equation.

As long as you have a strong connection with an individual and you pair that with playing hard to get every once in a while you can end up in a committed relationship. It’s been our experience that too much focus on any one side of the equation can lead you to disaster.

For example.

Let’s say you focus too much on your connection with a guy. Most people may think this is a great thing and it is. However, if you go overboard with it you crowd the guy and run the risk of seeming too anxious.

On the other hand if you play too hard to get the guy never thinks you’re interested and you lose traction that way. Only by finding a delicate balance between these two pillars will you get the ultimate results you want.

So, now that you have a general idea of how our playing hard to get equation works lets talk about one of the most effective tactics that you can employ.

Concept #2: The Open Loop Concept

You may have heard me talk about this concept before so I apologize if this isn’t new but for anyone here who hasn’t learned it yet I consider it to be essential.

What matters most isn’t who starts a conversation but who ends it.


Simply put your goal is to create an open loop.

Hollywood was way ahead of the curb when it came to psychology and irony is they probably didn’t even realize it. For television shows their entire existence is predicated on one simple concept.

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How can we get viewers to tune in next week and watch the next episode.

It’s really the writers job to do this but writers employ a concept called “The Zeigarnik Effect” to do so.

Again I’ve talked about this a lot especially in my guide on texting.

Here’s the basic gist, people remember interrupted or incomplete tasks better than completed ones.

Earlier this year on Instagram I posted a fun brain game that you can play to fully help you understand the stress that the zeigarnik effect can have on an individual.

Five things are happening at your house at the same time. How do you handle them one by one?

  1. The telephone is ringing
  2. Your baby is crying
  3. Someone is knocking or calling you from the front door
  4. You hung your clothes out to dry and it begins to rain
  5. You left the tap on in the kitchen and the water is already overflowing

This was a game proposed by Sigmund Freud to help you understand your priorities but the beauty of it is that it perfectly shows you the effect open loops can have on the human psyche.

So, how can you use open loops to ensure you’re playing hard to get?

End conversations first and at the high point.

Every conversation has a certain flow to it.

A gradual build to a high point. The high point itself and then finally the fall after the high point.

If you can get used to ending a conversation here at the high point,

Even if it seems unnatural what it essentially does is create an open loop. An unfinished conversation that can make a guy think about you when you’re not around. Again, this is something I’ve talked about rather recently more in-depth.

And many of our success stories have found incredible success with it.

Let’s move on

Concept #3: Always Look Busy (On Social Media)

The important distinction here is that you’re always looking busy. You aren’t so busy that you don’t have time to build a connection.

So, how does one “look busy” on social media.

Are you familiar with my holy trinity concept?

Essentially if you look at your life and try to divide it up into three distinct categories those categories most likely will be,

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  1. Health
  2. Wealth
  3. Relationships

The problem I find most women have is they put most of their focus on relationships. Even when it comes to other areas of the trinity.

Oh, I want to look really good FOR HIM.

Oh, I want to make a lot of money and then maybe HE’LL like me.

Maybe I should date someone else to make HIM jealous.

The point of the trinity is to balance out all areas of your life and if one area of your life (relationships) is dominating the equation you’re not going to look like you have your own life. So, what does any of this have to do with looking busy on social media.

In todays day and age social media serves as a window into your life. So, any guy that potentially likes you will be keeping tabs on you. By posting things related to the trinity on your social media account you’re going to be creating this narrative that you have a lot of different priorities in your life (Not just him.)

Best Real Life Examples Of Trinity Based Posts

I took the liberty of going to our private facebook support group and my personal accounts to loo at some of the most successful trinity posts to give you an idea of what it looks like in the real world.

Our favorite health based post:

Sometimes there’s nothing better than simply showing a screenshot of your workout stats (even if they suck.)

Our favorite wealth based post:

Lindsay, one of our awesome clients hit the two comma club which means she made over a million dollars in a year.

That’s a pretty awesome wealth based brag!

Our favorite relationship based post:

Sometimes there’s nothing better than going to a concert with friends and having the time of your life.

Concept #4: Social Proof (Other Men Find You Attractive)

Concept three and concept four have a cause and effect relationship I’ve found.

Usually what happens is that as you get into a nice groove of posting trinity based things on your social media accounts you don’t just get interest from the guy you want but from the guys you don’t want as well.

Now, most women in our private facebook group hate this but I think they’re looking at it all wrong.

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A few weeks ago I wrote an article on the tenets of commitment and even filmed a video.

I basically make the argument that there are six factors that need to occur in order for a man to commit to you.

  1. Satisfaction
  2. Alternatives
  3. Investment
  4. Scarcity
  5. Urgency
  6. Fear of Loss

When other men find you attractive it hits on two tenets within the commitment circle above.

  1. Fear of Loss: Because other men find you attractive your guy may start to worry he will lose his opportunity with you
  2. Urgency: Because of the fear of loss he now has an urgent reason to push for a commitment

So, where does the playing hard to get aspect come in.

Well, my interpretation is that “hard to get” is that it’s usually the things of value that are hard to find. By having other men constantly show interest your perceived value raises and he will automatically create this narrative about you.

She must have a million guys hitting on her every day.

Concept #5: Find The Perfect Balance Between Stability And Mystery

If you aren’t familiar with the stability and mystery concept then you’re in for a treat.

As human beings we have these conflicting needs in relationships.

On the one hand we have a need for stability which can include things like,

  • Extreme trust in the person we are with
  • Being able to stay in with the person
  • Comfortability
  • You get the idea

Of course, too much stability and we can become bored in the relationship. So a need for mystery also arises,

  • Being adventurous
  • Having new depths that the person hasn’t discovered yet
  • Being spontaneous

Yet here’s the paradox within the paradox.

Too much stability or too much mystery can ruin a relationship. If you’re too stable you run the risk of being boring. If you’re too spontaneous you run the risk of being too wild. Adding another layer of complexity is that every person has a different balance percentage which they find attractive.

Some men will want you to be 60% stable and 40% adventurous.

Others will want you to be 80% stable and 20% adventurous.

So, where does playing hard to get come into play? Simply put, someone who plays hard to get is going to become synonymous with mystery and not stability yet you need to be careful with how much mystery you play with.

My advice is to approach the following balance between the two.

To the average man you should always be a 60% stability vs 40% mystery ratio.

Once you get to know the guy a bit better and get a sense of his personal ratio you can adjust your average accordingly.

Concept #6: Improve The Cadence Of Your Text Responses

Typically when you look at our guides on texting you’ll see me reference different measurable like,

  • Response Time
  • Word Count
  • Texting Topic

For this concept I want to really look at the cadence you use when texting a guy. Our research has indicated that if you want to play hard to get you need to have diversity in your cadence across the board.

The question now becomes how do you do that?

Well, let’s look at the measurable’s and start by defining.

Improving Response Time Cadence

This means that you shouldn’t always respond at the same time to a guy when he reaches out to you.

Mix it up.

Word Count Cadence

Pay close attention to how long your text messages are. If you’re noticing a pattern then you may want to mix that pattern up. This is why it really helps to have a texting tracker like the ones our members create,

Sometimes looking at your overall text conversations with a guy from a macro point of view can help you notice the flaws in your approach.

Texting Topic Cadence

Don’t fall into the predictable pattern of always talking about the same things time and time again. Instead I want you to think critically about new frontiers and breach those topics.

Concept #7: Answer This Question “What Is He Missing Out On?”

This concept isn’t so much about giving you an actionable thing to do but helping you understand the mindset you need to have.

If I were to ask you,

What is a guy missing out on by not being with you?

What would that answer be?

If you can’t answer that in a clear and definitive way then that’s where we need to start first.

How do you do it?

Think of it like a story you’re trying to craft for a guy when you’re not around.

Let’s say you want him to feel like he’s missing out on you going to…

  • Movie premieres (because you work in LA)
  • Vacations in amazing places
  • Inside Jokes
  • You get the idea

Your next step is easy. Tell the story on social media that you want to be told through pictures, videos and experiences.

Concept #8: In Order To Get The Guy You Need To Be Willing To Lose The Guy

I’m mostly known for my work on helping people through breakups. Hence the name of this website, “Ex Boyfriend Recovery.”

I’ve been blessed with thousands of success stories, many of whom are willing to come onto my podcast and get interviewed.

What I’ve always found interesting from these success stories is that many of them talk about this uncanny phenomenon that occurs when they “move on” from an ex.

It’s usually only after they “move on” that the ex suddenly becomes interested. Now, I’ve been so fascinated by this concept that I’ve written entire articles dissecting it.

Once again we think it has to do with making a fearful avoidant feel safe.

Only after you are willing to lose the guy does the guy truly allow himself to feel safe to open up to you.

It’s counterintuitive and a part of you is probably sitting there and thinking that it can’t possibly be true but we’ve seen it happen so often that it’s impossible to deny.

It isn’t the kind of thing you can fake either.

For some odd reason men can feel when you’re being inauthentic.

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