By Chris Seiter

Updated on November 29th, 2021

Are you ready to learn exactly how to make a stubborn man commit to you once and for all?

Our extensive research has found that there are six different “factors” that go into a guy making a commitment decision.

  1. Satisfaction
  2. Scarcity
  3. Fear of Loss
  4. Urgency
  5. Investment
  6. Alternatives

But to make things more simple I’ve decided to divide these six factors up into two different categories.

  1. The Factors That Affect His Reasoning
  2. The Factors That Affect His Desire To Commit

If you’re a bit confused I wouldn’t be shocked. I just threw a lot of information at you without really defining what it really meant.

Let’s do that now.

The Factors That Affect His Reasoning

As I stated above there are really only three factors that can affect a mans reasoning for committing to you.

  1. Satisfaction
  2. Scarcity
  3. Fear Of Loss

Let me explain what I mean when I talk about these three factors.

  1. Satisfaction: in this context refers to how satisfied your guy is with your interactions. So, if every time you are together and he has the time of his life his satisfaction is bound to be high. However, if every time the two of you hang out and he grows bored of your interactions then his satisfaction will be low.
  2. Scarcity: is often mistaken for not being too available. And, while availability is important, Scarcity actually pertains to how your guy sees you. He needs to be of the opinion that there is no one else out there like you.
  3. Fear of Loss: is important, because if your guy values your interactions then he won’t want to let that, or you, go. However, even if he values you, if he feels like you are going to wait around for him no matter what he does, then there is no Fear of Loss. You get my drift?

The Factors That Affect His Desire To Commit

Next I’d like to take a good hard look at the different factors that can affect a guys desire to commit to you.

  1. Urgency
  2. Investment
  3. Alternatives

Again, let’s talk about what I mean when I refer to these three factors.

  1. Urgency: is a concept taken from marketing. Think about a the last time you felt like you had to buy something RIGHT NOW. Urgency in dating is the same thing. it is the feeling that if you don’t ACT NOW the moment or opportunity might pass you by. It’s a factor that you don’t want to give into on your end but you want your man to feel heavily on his end.
  2. Investment: is anything he puts into the interactions; money, time, emotion, and even energy. There have actually been studies that prove that even people unsatisfied with the Relationship they are in, will stay in a Relationship if they feel like they have some kind of stake in it. However, this aspect has to be balanced out by the other five aspects. Otherwise, they will feel as if all they do is give and they don’t get anything out of it.
  3. Alternatives: are how he sees you compared to other women. Now, I’m not saying that you should start comparing yourself to other women. But, in his eyes, you should appear to be the only option he sees.

It’s important that you understand that there is a certain synergy that exists between all of these factors.

The Synergy Of The Six Factors

One thing that I find people often don’t grasp is that all of these six factors work in tandem.

When one of them goes down, another can go down.

Inversely when one of them goes up another of them can go up. It’s a lot like our trinity concept in that way.

I’ll give you a real example to further illustrate my assertion.

Let’s imagine that you and I are going on a date and at some point throughout that date I think to myself,

Man, I like her and all but she’s kind of boring me.

In other words, my satisfaction with our time during that date is low. This has a direct impact on me sitting there and thinking about other alternatives. I think about my exes and how much better the dates went with them and a realization suddenly dawns on me. I don’t care about a commitment with you. I no longer fear losing you. In fact, I may welcome it.

This is the synergy in motion.

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With my satisfaction being so low on the date I began snowballing in a negative way that negatively impacts all other aspects.

Of course, the opposite can also be true.

It’s certainly possible to take an extremely unsatisfied man and turn him around which can ultimately lead to a commitment and that’s really why you’re here, isn’t it?

So, we have six core tenets of commitment

  1. Satisfaction
  2. Scarcity
  3. Fear of Loss
  4. Urgency
  5. Investment
  6. Alternatives

We’ve established what they are and how they’re connected. We’ve talked about the synergy and how one negative hit with one core factor can negatively impact the others.

But what you really want to know is how to take a situation where you score low in all of the core areas and turn it around.

Using The Six Factors To Make A Man Commit To You

I’m going to let you in on a secret.

All six of those factors are not created equal.

Sure, they are all connected and what affects one can affect the others but that’s a very simplistic view. More on that in a second.

If you’re struggling to make a man commit to you it’s most likely because are scoring low in all of the six factors. As it turns out the key to turning your fortune around is by focusing on that synergy concept I talked about before.

You’re going to do that by focusing on what I think the most important “factor” is.


Studies have shown that even if you score low in the five surrounding factors,

  1. Even if you’re unsatisfied
  2. Even if you think you can find someone better
  3. Even if you don’t really fear to lose your partner
  4. Even if your partner isn’t a scarce resource
  5. Even if there is a seemingly urgent reason to leave

You will still stay with the same partner if you have invested a lot into the relationship. This is why there are so many unhappy marriages or unhappy couples.

No one wants to admit that their investment wasn’t worth it.

It can’t be for nothing.

And that’s exactly where I’d start.

Using Investment To Create A Snowball Effect

Perhaps the greatest folly you can make is by simply operating under the assumption that all you need to get a commitment from a guy is to master the investment aspect of commitment but it’s a lot more complicated than that.

Yes, investment is without a doubt the most important factor to grasp but it alone won’t help you get your commitment.

Instead, what it can do for you is help you create momentum.

Think of it like this.

You spend a lot of your time building investment within the guy you’re interested in.

  • You text every day
  • You talk on the phone a good amount
  • He relies on you for emotional support
  • You get the picture

The result of all of this “investment work” is that he becomes more satisfied during conversations with you.

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This satisfaction helps you in a lot of different ways. Not only are your conversations lasting longer but your guy seems to constantly think you’re one of a kind. This helps us with scarcity.

All of a sudden your guy thinks that he can only feel this way with you which helps you with alternatives.

He starts thinking that there’s no one out there better for him.

With no better alternatives on the horizon he begins to debate the commitment decision in his head but he’s not quite ready to commit yet. He’s happy with the way things are currently. Why would you ever want to mess that up?

So, you’ve successfully created momentum,

  • Investment to satisfaction
  • Satisfaction to scarcity
  • Scarcity to alternatives

But something is missing.

He doesn’t fear to lose you or have an urgent reason to want to commit to you.

Fear Of Loss And Urgency Kind Of Go Hand In Hand

These two factors are more connected than any of the other four factors.


Simply put, by creating fear of loss or urgency you can successfully create the adjacent factor.

And that’s what we’re really looking to do.

Imagine for a moment that while you want nothing more than the guy YOU want to commit to you he isn’t doing so.

You’ve created investment, satisfaction, alternatives and scarcity.

But something is missing.

So you decide that you’re going to move on with your life. You begin going on dates with other people. Maybe you post the picture of the date on instagram. Nothing “in your face” about it but enough to insinuate you’re going on dates.

Subtle hints like the arm of your date as you take a picture in a restaurant,

Seeing you out with another guy or at least imagining it is enough to create fear of loss.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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“Oh my gosh, she’s not waiting around for me”

“Did I make a mistake not locking her down?”

These are the type of thoughts that are going on in his head and if they go on long enough he begins to feel urgency.

“What happens if this guy she’s on a date with locks her down?”

“Will I always regret it?”

Getting a commitment from a guy is a lot like having a domino effect occur.

Invest – Satisfaction – Alternatives – Scarcity – Fear of Loss – Urgency = Commitment

But there’s still one BIG component I need to talk to you about.

Only Invest Based On How Much He’s Invested In You

This may be the single biggest reason that people get hurt early on in relationships.

A woman decides she likes a guy. So, she invests an incredible amount of time, energy and sometimes even money when a guy hasn’t invested anything in return.

All of the equations I put forth above are operating under the assumption that a guy has invested in you.

Unfortunately my experience with women is that they run into problems because the moment they think a guy is attracted to them they invest everything into that pursuit and end up hurt because the ratio is off.

It’s a little like rewarding a dog before he’s done anything to warrant a reward.

In a perfect world you’re always looking to have an equal level of investment from both parties.

Of course, it doesn’t always work out that way.

Sometimes you need to invest a little more to get a guy to fall for you.

So, what’s the best way to approach men so that you don’t over-invest your time, effort and energy?

Be willing to lose the guy to get the guy.

This website got its start by completely focusing on breakups and understanding the dynamics of what really works to repair broken relationships. Turns out getting to this place emotionally where you’re willing to lose your ex is the single most important mindset to adopt if you want to have success in getting that ex back.

This mentality can be applied outside of breakups as well and is especially important to grasp for getting a commitment.

If you’re willing to lose the guy you want to commit to you forever you won’t over-invest. In fact, you’ll be doing what most women aren’t able to do.

Understanding the most important thing to long term commitment isn’t about tricking a guy or using factors but rather getting to this place emotionally where you’re so confident with yourself that you can find another guy like the one you like right now.

That doesn’t mean you don’t invest. It just means you have a fail safe so you don’t invest too much.

You also don’t have the guy you like on a pedestal. Remember, you have to be willing to lose the guy if you want to get the guy.

Can you honestly say you’re at that point emotionally yet?

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9 thoughts on “How Do I Get Him To Commit?”

  1. Jessica

    May 29, 2023 at 1:03 pm

    Amazing article. Wow. Thank you

  2. Damsel

    August 3, 2022 at 10:28 am

    Have known my bf since high school though we weren’t dating then. He dated someone else and they were like the popular couple in school then. Have liked him since then though and we were friends too but not really close just classmates kinda friends. Years later after we graduated and everyone got into college. We have each other’s contact and we talk and chats a lot. Followed each other on social media too and he also know my brothers and sisters.
    He asked me out and told me he liked me and we started dating even though I had doubts he really likes me and that he might still miss his ex. I thought I was a rebound but have always loved him even since high school so I accepted. Seriously I didn’t really mind being a rebound cause I love him even though countless times I hoped I wasn’t. He told me they broke up cause he grew out of love for her and she left him for someone richer who would support all her expensive needs. But they still wish each other happy birthdays and even have each other’s contact. I’m not okay with this and always gives me the doubts that he doesn’t love me and still so much into his ex. One day I was going through pictures on his phone and found his ex new bf’s picture on his phone. Why would he save the guy’s picture on his phone?. There were so many thoughts on my mind. He told me he love me and through conversations he told me he was sorry he dated someone like her then and not me since high school days and also he has introduced me to his 3 sisters.
    My doubts are just overreacting right?

    1. Coach Shaunna Nicol

      September 2, 2022 at 8:47 pm

      Hi Damsel, so this sounds a little more about you than it does your guy. You have some self esteem issues and worried you’re being compared to his ex. But the only person doing that in this comment is you. Yes the photo of her new boyfriend is an odd thing to have in his phone, but humans are curious creatures we love to know information and be nosey. I would suggest that you spend some time working on your self worth and understand that he is no longer with his ex, he chose to be with you. Read up on anxious attachment styles this would possibly help you understand why you are reacting the way you are. Them sending HB messages is normal for someone who used to date in high school, they were children it isn’t adult life.

  3. Lisa

    April 4, 2022 at 1:44 am

    You’re probably going to tell me to go away. I’ve been dating someone a while now and we haven’t became exclusive. I’ve recently found out he’s actually dating more than one person. They don’t know I know. Basically I want to know how I can move things forward into a monogamous relationship. We don’t argue and the time we spend together is all positive but I want something more. Should I just cut my loses and tell him to go away? Or should I continue seeing him and make myself more desirable? I know is common for people to date multiple people. I feel very strongly about this person.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 4, 2022 at 7:21 pm

      Hi Lisa, so my suggestion is that you ask them to be exclusion / in a monogamous relationship. IF they say yes great, if they decline then you start following the program which starts with a NC for 45 days as you know he is dating others.

  4. S

    February 24, 2022 at 6:05 am

    Hi, I keep catching my partner in lies and I keep finding things around the house he hides from me. Yesterday I found a letter or a Christmas card from another woman. The envelope was empty though. I also found a purchase for some jewelry that was not gifted to me. We do not live together but I am his bookkeeper as well. I googled the return address on the envelope and found out its the same girl that loves all his posts on fb as well as some very sexual comments that he deletes before I can see them. What do I do about this?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 26, 2022 at 12:26 pm

      Hey S, I am so sorry it does sound as if he is at least emotionally cheating. I would suggest that you explain that you have these feelings and with the same evidence that is making you feel this way. How he reacts is up to him but you must remain calm and collected through the entire situation. Explain to him that you are unhappy with this behaviour and it either needs to stop or you need to end things with him. If he says “she is just a friend” then you will need to assess if you can deal with this “friendship” long or if it is crossing your boundaries for your relationship.

  5. Heather

    November 29, 2021 at 2:47 pm

    How do you really know if a guy has broken up with the rebound? I completed the being there method and it was successful in a sense of him stating that he broke up with the rebound and it’s been some months now. There really isn’t signs that he is being deceitful but because we aren’t together and we are still in this “talking phase”… it just makes me wonder now.

  6. M

    November 20, 2021 at 9:48 am

    Hi Chris ,

    I have been following your advice for a year now with the NC rule & have received little result. I was hoping to know if you had any further advice I could take on.

    Background information:

    We were in a 4 year relationship, 3 years being online & the 4th year we met, it was love at first sight according to him however towards the end of this year, things took a turn.

    My ex broke up with me this time last year over being too needy and clingy. He initiated the break up around October 2020 to which I ended up begging and pleading, we properly broke up December 2020 & I did a NC up until March 2021. I then contacted him and we decided to be ‘friends’ During this time we were seeing eachother on a weekly basis & It ended up feeling very couply once again , he’d compliment me like before , hold me , kiss me, do absolutely everything like before.
    This period of our ‘friendship’ seemed greater than our actual relationship.

    Two weeks ago he started to grow very distant and said he’d like to be friends on a much stricter level & would not like anymore intimacy between us.

    I told him I was uncomfortable with this and I cannot be friends at this point. I am currently 4 days into NC and would like more advice. Have I ruined my chances