How To Know If Your Ex Boyfriend Is Using You- Ex Boyfriend Recovery

349 thoughts on “How To Know If Your Ex Boyfriend Is Using You”

AKSHARA

May 1, 2015 at 2:06 pm

Hi Chris… I’m sorry this will be a bit long. And please forgive grammatical errors, English is not my first language.
But I really, really need your help; a third person’s look on things. I can’t decide on whether this guy is really playing with me or not. Based on that, I can finally do myself a favor and shut him out of my life forever.
My boyfriend of nine months broke up with me about two months ago. And I loved him a lot.
We were in a long distance relationship for a considerable time before the break up, for about four months. It was going good, but toward the end, because of his course studies, we had less and less contact. On my good days I used to take it in stride, but some days, I blew off. So anyway, he broke up, told me a lot of stuff as to how he would talk to me if he had time, and how he didn’t love me anymore and how he didn’t want to keep a relationship.
I begged, panicked, did everything that went against my own principles on self respect.
Excluding a few times (say two), I went no contact on him. Two weeks later, during my finals, he asked me to call him, and told me the ‘real reason’ why he broke up. Some BS reason seriously. But he also said he loved me, would always be mine, wouldn’t date anybody else, but didn’t want a relationship.
In these two months, he is the one who has initiated contact. Almost after every week, he sends a ‘hello’ and ends up talking to me for a day. He asks for my recent photographs (Which I give, stupid of me really) and comments on each, calling me sexy, beautiful, and even going up to the point of telling me he loved me.
Just recently though, our first anniversary date passed, and nothing. He said nothing about.
Secondly, in India, smoking is generally looked down upon. He knows I hated him smoking. Left it for a good time period, when we were together. It seems after our breakup, he’s turned into a chain smoker.
So the other day, without my asking, he sends me a photograph of himself smoking. I don’t know why.
I just keep feeling he’s playing me. Messing up with my feelings. And you are right. My time is much more worth than an ex boyfriend. That article of yours is by far the coolest of yours 
What would you say? Does he love me? Or is he just wasting my time? I honestly don’t mind going on a radio silence as far as he is concerned; I’m just tired of mind games.
Help Please.
And I’m SORRY this is long. I wouldn’t have posted if this wasn’t bothering me so much.
And great job Sir. Please keep helping the way are, it feels good to have someone who understands and isn’t a jerk. 😛
Radhika

May 1, 2015 at 9:10 am

wish all guys were as understanding as you… cheers
vidya

April 15, 2015 at 3:24 pm

Hi chris
Am vidya.my ex talks with me but he tells me that am only his friend not lover but he talks with me about sex and my opinion on having it with him but later he says he just asked simply about sex and my opinion i aaked him why he is asking me like this he is saying that there is nothing wrong in asking it and say that he just ask me and not any other girl really dont know why he do like this.please help me
lynn

April 11, 2015 at 8:08 pm

Hey Chris,
My ex and I dated for four years. The last year of the relationship we broke up because he said he didn’t see a future with me. We got back together after two months and broke up again after a few more months and talks about marriage. We spent two months NC and then I bumped into him again and over the next couple months and he started to grow feelings and pushed me away. He treated me horribly so I told him to stay out of my life. We were NC again for another two months but he called me saying he was sorry and never wanted to hurt me. We have been talking and spending every day together/sleeping over for the last two weeks (including sex, twice), but this morning he told me it was getting too much like a relationship and that he regretted that we slept together again because it meant too much to him. He says he wants to stay friends, but doesn’t want to enter the relationship cycle again with me. He admits that I am the most compatible person he has ever dated, and that he isn’t over me. He says that the gravity of me being in his life outweighs every other person he has met and that being around me makes him not want to see other women. Then he will tell me that I need to sleep with other men and that he wants me to move on, but acknowledges that he might be making the hugest mistake of his life letting me go. What blows my mind is why he can’t just give this another chance?
Margaret

April 10, 2015 at 3:16 am

Hi Chris!

Great article. My situation is a little different and I’d love your feedback.. So my ex and I ended up getting back together for months now. Initially, I broke up with him since I felt he was acting distant. I realized he was falling for another girl while we were together so they got together four months after we broke up. After eight months while they were together we started sleeping together. At the time, I was dating other guys on the side but I realized there’s this chemistry between him and I. They broke up and we ended up doing the FWB situation for years until six months ago when we got back together. Everything’s going smoothly in our relationship except that I don’t feel the relationship is genuine just because of our past. He tells me he loves me and does it by his actions but is it really possibly he loves me again from our roller coaster of a relationship from dating for 2 years, having an affair with him, being friends with benefits then getting back together? I’m happy but I never expected us getting back together after we were using each other?

Margaret

April 10, 2015 at 3:18 am

Sorry I wasn’t exactly clear with my question with my story but do you think it’s possibly that he genuinely cares and loves me? Even after using me in the past?

Sally

April 3, 2015 at 7:37 am

Oh Chris, i’ve been in this awful relationship. For the last two years we’ve had one date, the rest has been him coming to mine or me going to his, we’d mess around, kiss, watch tv, have a laugh, have sex.

I was big when i first met him. I know he wouldnt have stayed unless he got his sexual favours.

I eventually lost weight, getting to a size 8(from size 22) and still, no difference. Never got a date, never got flowers, didn’t get anything.

He eventually managed to want to have sex with me(to return the favour, his words) as apposed to doing it because he just liked me so much, he couldn’t resist.

He eventually asked me out a year later, i had to nag him, of course and he then put it on facebook around 6 months later, again, i had to nag him and even then, kept the status private so only he could see it.

I had always suspected him of using me but he would say all these nice things, he actually had the nerve to tell me he was “nice”. He would talk about us moving in, vaguely, and other things but he never did them. He told me if he didnt like me, why would he stay with me? Anytime he said “i miss you” all i could hear was, i miss the blowjobs or the sex. He would tell me he was going to bring me flowers or that he saw a better valentines card but he just “didn’t get it”. That’s another thing, i got bad christmas gifts, no valentines gifts the first year and £20 thrown at me for my 25th birthday. Meanwhile, i got him some pretty cool things. Wish i hadn’t.

Sometimes i thought, maybe he wasn’t using me, maybe there’s more to this but when i really, really looked at the situation, it seemed so horribly obvious. My friends hate him, my family hate him because they were seeing what i couldn’t.

The sickest thing is, i put it down to him being ashamed of me because of my size, the reality is, he had no intention of even wanting me long term. Just for something to “do” whilst he completed his degree.

He used the “im not ready” line as well, he also had the audacity to jokingly refer to me as “his slut” or even call me a whore, again, “jokingly”..i laughed when i saw that part in your article.

It’s no wonder he didn’t take an interest in my life, asked how i was, wondered what i got up to, whether i was still doing my music…or why he never returned compliments and if he ever did give me one on the rare occasion, how it felt so forced.

So, tonight, he thinks he’s seeing me one last time for sex, i told him this would be the last, i said ive had enough, all i got back was “ok”…what is really happening is im dumping his shit gifts off and i’ll be telling him to go fuck himself before i walk out..forever.

I cannot wait.
Frankie

March 26, 2015 at 4:50 pm

My ex is currently with someone. We were together for 7 years. They’ve now been together for 10 months. She moved into his parents house after 3 months dating which was pretty quick. Regardless, weve been in contact for about 6 months now. We’re still very inappropriate, lots of flirting etc. We met up twice, second time we kissed etc. He told me he still loves me, and wants to be with me but as she lives in his house, he’ll have to wait for a reason to break up with her. I sort of understood. He told me we didnt have to have sex until we were together again so I knew he wasnt using me. Regardless, I love him, and I want to have sex wth him. So we went to a hotel and had sex 4 x overnight. A couple of days later, he messaged me saying he still loves me and always will, but doesnt want me physically. Um, what? We just had sex 4 times overnight, and I didn’t initiate any of it. He said sex ‘didnt feel right’. I told him it couldnt as he’s still living with someone and our relationship isnt fixed. What do I do now? I think he feels this way about me because he went home and felt guilty. I want to be with him and I thought we were going to fix us but now he’s saying he doesnt want to have sex with me? Where’s this come from?

admin

March 31, 2015 at 8:53 pm

4 times?

In one night?

Holy…

Aren’t you guys sore?

Bae

March 25, 2015 at 5:27 pm

yes I have seen him over five times after the break up..I do feel I have tried to build attraction because throughout the break up I return his calls nevertheless how infrequent his calls were, I chat him up and I even tried to be specific how I wanted him to fit into my life,i even told him i wanted to see him over 3 times he sounded like he wanted to see me too but it always ended up that he was busy…I dont know if I should keep making moves or let go…

admin

March 31, 2015 at 8:03 pm

Did you ever do anything close to NC on him?

Bae

March 22, 2015 at 9:28 pm

Hi chris, I and my ex bf have been for a year and we broke up last year.since then we have been communicating and he’s been inviting me for dates and sorts.our rel.was the longest we ever both had and we had so many things in common.we both never had any relationship since the break up..he is this unemotional guy tho i knew he still liked me.I tried nc and was gone without notice and while doing that he looked for me, called, texted and told me he really misses me,that he wants us to spend time together..we got to see sometime, he told me how he couldn’t find any match like me, his problems, how he cant be just friends and how he liked me more now than while we we dating and was so open to me.I told him I wanted to see him for something personal..(felt i should open up to him aswell).he responded well but didnt act like it.until I saw his status sometime “nobody is busy 24/7 they just dont care so cut the irrelevant people off.so I got mad and cut him off and told him not to contact me again.he was suprised and asked if he did anything wrong and began posting sad, loneliness quotes, how life goes on and shii.. and so I told him all what went wrong.and he apologized saying he had no idea how emotionally unavailable he was that he hopes I made the right decision for both of us because he still considers me as someone very special..and then we got to talk on phone and we was clear he couldn’t imagine life without me and we have a lot to benefit from eachother but he doesn’t want a serious rel. now that he wants us to be tight close friends because he dosent want to hurt anyone..since then I never intiated contact with him until recently he texted me on bbm checking up on me.wat should I do pls?

admin

March 24, 2015 at 8:11 pm

Have you seen him in person at all since the breakup?

Why haven’t you been trying to build attraction?

Are you scared he is using you?

Pinky

March 20, 2015 at 5:38 pm

Hi Chris!
I need your advise for my FWB situation with my ex bf.
I get that I must take sex off the table, but how do I deliver the message to my ex bf so we go back on track to getting him back!!!

Let me brief you on my story.
My ex-boyfriend of 2.5 years and I met up after 6 months of NC. He decided to break up arguing lack of love and compatibility, he wanted to be just friends. I opted for NC. During this time he’s been trying to get in touch with me many times, but I was strong.
After 6 months I finally gave in. When we met we had a strong attraction, hugged, kissed and walked around as if we were a couple again. He asked for a second meeting and it took place a week after. There, he opened up and told me how much he misses me and we ended up having sex and went out for dinner and a movie afterwards…. Again holding hands and hugging as a normal couple. Two days after I got a promotion and told him about it, so we met up to celebrate and ended up having sex again…
During our encounters he kept telling me how much he would like us to be friends and I do miss him as my best friend…
He already suggested what we should do next weekend, but hasn’t confirmed yet.
This is a man I care and respect a lot… and he has told me that he has the same feelings for me…
So first of all I do not want him to change his image of me! I’m not slutty… I haven’t been with anyone all this time apart.

So, as I asked at the beginning of my post. How do I deliver the message that sex is off the table? What should I say? I am following the NC rule ever since our last encounter… But I really want him back… I don’t understand why he doesn’t realize that we are just great together!

Thank you very much for your help!!!

admin

March 22, 2015 at 4:26 pm

I don’t think you have to deliver it at all.

Let him try to hit on you and then turn him down.

I think that is the most efficient way.

annie

March 18, 2015 at 12:19 pm

Here’s a strange one for u!! 8 and a half years ago I had a child with this guy I’d been with for 2 and a half years prior! We broke up coz we were young and dumb! I started a relationship with an old friend that has lasted the past 8 years!! 6 weeks ago the relationship came to an end!! Now the father of my child just so happeneded to come waltzing in a week later.. I agreed to help him after he got him self into some trouble with the law!! I did the stupid thing and slept with him a few times.. Only to find out maybe I still have feelings for him I didn’t know still exsisted!! What I’m trying to work out is do I have feelings for him and is he using me as an emotional and physical back stop!! He contradicts evertging – we both made it clear we didn’t want to get back together!! But he does strange stuff like telling me to pull my dress up in the super market coz other men are stairing at my ‘chest’!! He acts jealous when other guys talk to me, or when my recent ex calls!!! He fixes stuff for me and he always sings verses of songs to me and plays our break up song every couple of days, some days he sits there stairung at me and gives me embracing hugs goodbye he even gets impatient if I don’t answer his texts with in 4 minutes???! But insists he has no feelings for me and informed me today he plans to use me, till someone better comes along??? I acted cool and dropped him off and left straight away!! He asked what the problem was when I dropped our son off and I replied I’m not going to be used for your alter ego.. He then said I never said that all…????? Then kept taking up my personal space trying to get my attention?? Teasing me and trying to flirt !! What the heck plz shed some light on this!! I don’t know if I should cut ties with him or what I should do!! hELp
michelle

February 28, 2015 at 6:30 am

I have been with my ex bf for a year and a half he lived with me for a year….. our relationship wasn’t based off of sex. In the short time we was together we had been thru a lot of life events together. He moved out to get medical help from the VA. Our relationship was great till he got a job in the coffee shop … I believe he met a woman there, (she was able to sit in the coffee shop) and pump up his ego. He went cold … now he contacts me for the emonitional use I am sure. I m having a hard time with if he even cared or was it all me being used? I desire a relationship with him because we could enjoy days /weeks without sex we laughed went out on dates cuddled and so much more.
Rachel

February 17, 2015 at 9:05 pm

Chris:

My ex and I ended our relationship just two weeks ago. I initiated a no contact period after the first week and within three days he was calling me. I answered most of his calls and the conversations were mostly nonsensical, the subject matter neither here nor there. After two consecutive days of contacting me in this manner he stopped by our shared apartment to pick up a few things — he’s been staying at a friend’s. Once he had gathered the things he needed, I noticed he began to linger. Long story short — he slept with me. I explained to him after that I thought it was a terrible idea to ignore our problems in this matter. He then insisted, yet again, that there was nothing to discuss, became upset and unleashed the jealous monster that he’s been for the past weeks. We have been together for three years, sharing an apartment. I’m confident that he is a man of good character, but I am so confused as to why he would cross that line with me, only to pick a fight immediately after — demanding to go through my phone, saying that he can’t trust me, etc. Thoughts?

admin

February 18, 2015 at 9:30 pm

Man I really wish you would survive in the NC…

Nj

February 4, 2015 at 12:43 pm

Hello Chris:
My ex reached out to me after 6months none contact,before that ,we’ve been keeping contact for almost one year after he left(the reason we broke up), he stopped contacting me 6months ago after I suggested to meet up sometime,not a single reply, just like disappeared, but he suddenly recontacted me during 2015 new year again, I dont know why he’s doing that? Deep down my heart, I still love him, but I am afraid to get hurt again, now we talk like friend, I don’t know what to do next? Please help to advise me, thank you very much!
Anna

January 22, 2015 at 1:54 am

Hi, There was a guy who was after me, trying to care for me and impress me. He used to talk more with me. Then when I was talking to his other friends like I do to him, he got possessive.

He started avoiding and talking more and got close with my friend. We dint talk for about a week and i felt he was moving away from me.

When I talked to him, he told me the reason and that he and my friend are just friends.

After that, I understood he had some feelings for me and got attached towards him.I avoided talking with other guys since he would be hurt. In the meantime, he was getting closer with my friend which I asked him, but he kept denying.

Looks like they were in love since that time but I was not aware of. That time, I asked this guy for marriage but he denied saying he liked few things about me and few things he dint like.

Then we were just moving on as friends, when he said he had some sexual feeling for me and that wasn’t love.
We have been for a date after that.

But later i felt he was closer to other girl than me. When i kept asking he was blaming me for so mny things and asked to move on with my work.He told he was just friends with both of us.

Later I came to know through that girl , that he was in love with her and told her about our date.

She was furious and they had a fight and she made him not to text/contact me. He was angry at me for disclosing it to her and tested that he would never see me again.

Now they are moving on, but I am in depression. i dint text/contact him for about a month now and was even out of town for 2 weeks.

He never seen to care about me.

I would like to at least have one opportunity to talk to him to understand what was really running in his mind all these days. Why he would move around 2 girls at the same time and if he loves her why would he ask for date out.

I dont know if he would talk to me again or bother to explain me.

I had been so much sincere for him but he was thinking me as burden.
Rachel

January 20, 2015 at 1:22 am

What do you mean watch the fireworks fly? I just told my ex that I didn’t want to have sex if he is going to have sex with other people to which he said “that sounds reasonable.” Then I said that we should probably work of things and be more honest with each other if we decide to ever have sex again. I didn’t get a response… I am not really sure what to do now…

Susan

March 21, 2015 at 7:32 pm

As you didn’t get an answer from him, there is your answer. Cut off all contact with him. He doesn’t want to be honest. Good luck to you. You deserve better.
admin

January 20, 2015 at 3:48 pm

Did I really say watch the fireworks fly?
Rachel

January 20, 2015 at 8:34 pm

Yes, what did you mean by that? I am curious because I am not sure if what I did was the right thing to do or not, and what I should do from here?

layna

December 29, 2014 at 9:09 pm

I’ve searched you’re site for a situation close to mine but couldn’t really find one. My ex is acting like we never broke up. He’s texting all day, calling every couple hours, asking me out, saying I love you, trying to get me to make future plans like vacation and stuff. But he is perfectly clear he doesn’t want to be with me. He’s expecting things to remain the same except we’re not spending the night together because I drew the line there…which he still didn’t understand but after some passive aggressive remarks he conceded. I wasn’t sure about NC. Im confused why we broke up if he wants to act the same.

admin

January 5, 2015 at 2:31 pm

So, he is acting like you never broke up?

Who broke up with who?
layna

January 5, 2015 at 4:25 pm

He did but I didn’t give him a choice. He was lying and being noncommittal and unreasonable. He basically said it’s none of my business if he lies to me or the kids and I’m making things up in my head when we are actually fine. Mind you I know he was lying because I saw him at the bar when he was on the phone telling me he was at work. When I said I’m in my work van next door to you and I see you he proceeded to state he was tied of having to explain everything he does to me the last month. Anyway he is now saying he never wanted to break up and I forced him by being crazy and backing him in a corner. He’s correct I did and I would again. I was tired of knowing he was continually lying, and blaming me for him lying. I was miserable and he wouldn’t tell me he wasn’t going to do it anymore. I only wanted him to say yeah I messed up I’m sorry but his I’m sorry’s were followed by I can do what I want and I want you to agree you will not question me on it anymore. No way. He was the one lying and is sill lying now in his 1000 text message apologies. I wish I could shot them to you. He has gone as far as to say he never lied and I didn’t really see him that day I saw him At first I thought maybe I’m overreacting or being controlling but I do not think so. I’ve never been a jealous or un-trusting person. Even my co-worker whom was driving saw him and heard him on the phone explaining how hard his day is at work. Anyway, I’m doing NC. I commented over there also. It’s the one where the ex is going crazy and leaving messages every hour.

Jane

November 14, 2014 at 3:58 pm

So, I have a strange situation for you Chris. My ex and I have been broken up since June. He broke up with me with no real reason why. I did no contact, and he says he doesn’t want to have a serious relationship for a year. Which is fine. The thing is, he does have a fuck buddy type thing (type thing meaning sometimes they act like a couple). Here is the kicker. I know this girl, she and I used to be friends. I decided to try to be friends with her again because she is going through a hard time right now and could use someone other than my ex. Long story short, she has kissed me several times, made out with me once (because my friends and I are so mature and we played truth or dare) offered to make out more later, and offered to sleep with me, leading with the line “Well…I’m legal and not a virgin anymore…” (to which I told her I was flattered and everything but I didn’t want to get between her and him. To with she replied “Well, I’ll ask him about it.”) She also teases me like no tomorrow, even when both me and my ex tell her to stop.

Meanwhile, my ex is inviting me over to his house at least once a week (just to hang out and stuff). I posted on Facebook that I felt down, and he texted me to invite me over to watch his new movie with him. And almost every conversation, he brings up this girl, or he brings up something from “When we were dating”. Never bad things (granted we didn’t really have any bad things) but also never things about the relationship and what was good about it. With the mix of him and this girl, I can not tell what way is up. Any advice?
Trina

November 11, 2014 at 1:17 am

So, my story is quite a long one. I’ll try and just cut to the chase really, we were together 2 years, it was amazing, both heartbroken over the break up, he promised someday we would get back together. We talked a few weeks after the break up and he would make promises but never would go through with them. Eventually he started ignoring me, which is when I found your site, (which was very helpful) followed all the rules, and then we started talking again, to the point where we were telling eachother we loved eachother and planned to get back together. After a few months of this he started tapering off again, and I developed an eating disorder, numbing myself from feelings and convinced myself I was over him. He tried to contact me several times, but I was too depressed to even talk to anyone at that point. I ended up getting help and he was there for me through the whole process, telling me how proud he was of me. We talked everyday all day for the first few weeks I got home, but then he started tapering off again, still talking everyday, but he would randomly just stop texting. Recently, we planned to meet up sometime in the next two months. I’m nervous, as I haven’t seen him since our break up, over a year ago now. I should mention this is long distance, it wasn’t at first, during our relationship we lived in the same town, but broke up shortly after I moved. So, any advice?
ida

October 8, 2014 at 4:40 am

Chris! I’ve managed to go on a date with my ex bf. We’ve been in touch through text msgs since after i did nc. I’m still hurt by the past so i don’t entertain him so much. He asked me out a few times before too but i declined cause i was still affected by our breakup.

So. I finally accepted his offer to go out for coffee. Followed your advice and made sure that the meetup doesn’t stretch to more than an hour.

Once it was over, and while we head back to my office he kept wanting to hold my hand and my waist but i pushed him away. Then he pulled me close and asked for a hug. We hugged briefly and i pulled away.

I feel so weird! Touching him since we broke up. When he hugged me he kept saying he misses me. Its been months since i last saw him. Since then; he’s been dating someone new. What do you think is going on in his head? Do you think i should go into nc again? I feel weird carrying on contact with someone else’s bf… hahahaha.

admin

October 8, 2014 at 1:13 pm

Wait, did he just get the new girlfriend after your coffee hangout?
ida

October 8, 2014 at 2:07 pm

Before our coffee meetup and he is still currently seeing her. In fact, during our coffee meetup i asked him if he’s serious abt her. He took a long time to reply, he even reached out and held my hand for a moment before answering “maybe”. Then when i was silent abt it. He then kept saying “but i haven’t made any future plans with her”. When he walked back with me, he kept pulling me close to him. I kept pulling away though. Before we said goodbye and parted. He pulled me close and asked for a hug.

i’m very confused with his actions chris. If he’s serious about her. Why is he constantly making physical contact with me during the short meetup? He initiated a lot of physical contact. Mostly holding my hand and arm, and waist. And why does he keep trying to assure me that he’s not serious about her?

and just so you know chris, i think doing nc is a lot easier if the lady moves on without actually moving on. Hahaha. Works for me! 🙂
ida

October 8, 2014 at 2:42 pm

Just to add on. I broke up with him mid last year. He got his new gf sometime in oct/nov last year. I think things were rocky with them in early this year. And i initially got to know his new gf early this year cause she stalked me in social media, found out that i have a mutual friend with her. Got my number from that mutual friend.

She then told me she’s seeing him. She said that he told her that he still had feelings for me and he refused to commit to her. She kept asking me why was he suddenly so cold towards her. And that she loves him very much (silly woman, i dated that man for more than two years. You date him for 2mths and claim its “love”)

Anyway my ex kept asking me out since early this year. I kept my distance from him. Occasionally text him till recently it got more frequent and thus, lead to the coffee meetup. As far as i know, he still sees that woman occasionally. Probably a few times a mth. Hope this clarifies 🙂

Hope to get your thoughts on this! Why is my ex bf acting this way? Do you think he wants me back?

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