How To Know If Your Ex Boyfriend Is Using You- Ex Boyfriend Recovery

349 thoughts on “How To Know If Your Ex Boyfriend Is Using You”

Jessica

September 3, 2014 at 1:52 pm

Hi Chris,
I’m in kind of a strange situation (I’m sure you’ve heard them all). I was dating a guy last year that I fell for after four months, and at four months he broke it off. He had told me when we first started dating that he had been married to a woman that he didn’t love for a long time, and was miserable and a coward for letting it continue so he’s weird about getting involved with someone again if he doesn’t think it’s the real deal. He also thinks he doesn’t connect with people well and has a hard time getting attached. Anyway, he broke things off because he said he liked me but he didn’t think it would be any more than that. Fine, I was devastated but I didn’t beg for him back or anything. The funny thing was, he wasn’t able to let go. I continued to receive texts (about taking his dog to the vet and what not) and we had planned a road trip with his friends (other couples, he’s always the fifth wheel) just before we broke up, so it literally came out of nowhere. While he was gone on that trip without me, he sent me a text telling me it would be fun if I was there with him. This went on for MONTHS. We continued to hang out and have sex, weekly, sometimes more than once a week and even spent the holidays together -he bought me a very thoughtful gift. He’s definitely been emotional at times and let his guard down with me, but the problem is he’s a guy that’s used to getting what he wants from most women. The girl he dated before me wouldn’t take him back after he dumped her, and that bothered him. He never really got over it, though he told me time and time again he was over her, that he had just romanticized her in his head but that was it. Well we continue to do our friends with benefits situation for six months after the break up because I’m an idiot and felt like we were getting closer and things might change (lesson learned) then one day I get it out of him after about three weeks of not seeing him (though he was still texting) that he’s seeing that girl again! Apparently she had come back into the picture and he said he’d never thought he’d hear from her again but that on some level he must not have been over it since he couldn’t put his heart in it with me. He was texting me novels about how he cares so much for me and wants me to know how amazing I am, yada yada, but I told him this had to stop and he had to give me time. He said he understood, but his idea of time before contacting me again was one week. ONE WEEK are you kidding? So I ignored him. For the next four months that followed I would hear from him every two weeks like clock work. He would just text to see how I was, I barely responded and when I did it was one word answers. In this time, I stopped caring so much about him and even found it comical when I would hear from him because I could set my watch by him. After about a full four months I eased up and decided I could be friendly enough via text so I engaged more when he attempted conversation but I always kept things short and did the drop off on him so I had the control. Then one day in July, I get a text from him saying that he thought I would find it funny to know that karma really did come back around, and that he hoped I was doing well. Upon further elaboration, it was confirmed that the girl had dumped him and he had thought to contact me the same day. I said that was too bad and I was sorry to hear it, and maybe we could meet for a drink sometime. He jumped right on that and asked if I would meet now, and I said no. He said he would drive to where I was, and I again said no, rain check. A couple days later I added him back on Facebook and within the hour of him approving it I had another text asking if I was free to catch up later that night, so I agreed.
We went out for dinner, and it was the most fun we have had together since I can remember. We ended up having sex and I was pissed at myself for it, but he seemed different this time. Kept telling me over and over how much he had missed me and he cared for me, blah blah. I thought I had screwed it up, but he continued to text me and wanted to see me, and even took me to BBQ with his friends. The problem is, we’ve slipped right back into our old routine and I’ll be damned if I am going to go through that again. I feel like he’s gotten comfortable again, like he has what he wants, and he’s taking it for granted. I want things to work with this guy, because I know there’s a connection there and I know he cares but I also know I made some classic mistakes. I have been too available when I should have been more cautious. I last heard from him on Friday before he left for a golf tournament with his friends for the weekend. He came back yesterday (so it’s been four days) but I haven’t heard from him and I refuse to text first. I’ve been reading your tips and am thinking I should just cut him off for awhile and make it hard for him to see me, then of course take sex off of the table. He’s not just using me physically, but also emotionally to make himself feel good. Do I think he is a total jerk who doesn’t care? Not really. But I think my value has dropped in his eyes from what I was when he could barely get an answer out of me and I’m wondering what you think.
i'm kinda confused about my ex

August 30, 2014 at 8:59 am

hey Chris! Love your articles. Wrote here a few months back. But…basically my ex and i ended up having a hooge row in May. I told him that i didn’t want him in my life anymore..he was being a jerk. I deleted him off whatsapp and left it at that. I got a new success in work and he liked this update on my linked in – something he had never done. We had not been in contact at all for 2 months. I unblocked the whatsapp in July but had not intention of contacting him. I admit i had been watching his fb etc (i had unfriended him months ago). He had posted some love songs publicly end of June. I know he had a rebound fling which ended pretty quickly. I had something similar. Anyway middle of July he starts messaging me again. Pretty often actually. Long conversations. Being flirty, complimenting me…admitting certain things that was his fault. He was home for vacation (we both live away from our homes but in the same area/country). We had been together for a year. Ended in January and alot of backwards and forwards stuff up to May. He came straight off the plane to see me and stayed over (2 weeks ago). We had a great night. He looks at me with puppy dog, shiny eyes and still we have the best connection. He still messages. Following weekend i went to a festival in a diferent country and he messaged me but i didn’t see his message till a few days later. Talked again for a while. Long story short i had flight delays and lost luggage. He came to see me Thursday evening, brought me to get my luggage and we ate and spent a few hours together again. Same thing, looking at me lovingly, having a great laugh etc. Telling me lots of stuff about how he is looking for a better job…hoping to get it, that the job was more money, that they give expenses for if he gets married and pays for schooling etc for children. Just talking bout loads of stuff about improving himself. At the moment we are being very casual. Talks about how long since we met, calls me by pet names, talks about old good times. Do you think he is just using me or he is interested in us being together again at some point? Would love your opinion on this. Thanks 🙂

admin

September 2, 2014 at 12:20 pm

Sounds like he is trying to prove to you he is a changed man. Did you break up with him or did eh break up with you?
VANILLA

September 2, 2014 at 12:33 pm

He broke up with me originally…due to cultural differences/his family and some friends had some interference. We had no contact (i did n/c with him)…then talking then the hooge fight. He behaved a like a child. This is why i cut him off. He is still being a little guarded though. Maybe i should see where this goes. Thank you for getting back to me…you are fabulous 🙂

Lauren

August 12, 2014 at 1:52 pm

Hi Chris, I commented on the article “The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule.” I’m currently on a “break” with my boyfriend but still seeing him and talking. I’m not definitely sure, but I feel like my case is a little different than others on here who should not be sleeping with their ex without commitment. When we have slept together during the break, it’s not like we have sex and then one of us leaves, ever. It’s never been like that. Before the break, I used to sleep over my boyfriend’s house every weekend. While on this “break” we have still hung out at his house, and I have slept over. We always cuddle after, it’s never unemotional. I usually sleep over after. We always kiss during it and all other times as usual. One time though, because I have never been the sex without a relationship type of girl, I felt weird about having sex when we’re not technically together. I told him that I felt like kind of a whore, he was like no no don’t feel like that etc. I think maybe later that day or the next day, we were laying in bed cuddling and watching a movie after sex, he goes “Lauren, you said you felt like a whore and I thought about it and I kind of have been treating you like that a little bit and I’m really sorry, I didn’t realize, I don’t think of you that way at all, I love you.” So these are his words, he acts like this sometimes where I think things are good. We talked about going to this concert in Atlantic City at the end of august and staying overnight in a hotel, so he’s making plans, but then he’ll come back and start being like oh I still don’t know yet, I don’t know what to do yet… and it’s so confusing. He said he feels bad for me because he knows he is confusing me but he doesn’t know what to do, because he’s confused himself. Well that’s great… Not really sure what to do because I feel like it could work to refuse sex, but I’m terrified that if I did that, there’s a possibility he would go and do it with someone else since we’re technically not together. But one day we were hanging out, and he said something about not being together, and I was like oh well since we’re not together I guess we can’t have sex because I don’t do that. He was like, “ok, you know I don’t need to have sex with you, it’s not like that. I just like being with you.” Also, another night when we were hanging out late at his house on a week night, I guess he could tell that I wanted something to happen and was going to make a move or waiting for him to and he goes “Just so you know, I’m not horny at all and I’m really tired, I just don’t want you to get upset if I turn you down. But I’m so glad you came over tonight and we got to hangout, I love just being with you.” (That last time was before all the other times.)

What do you think?

admin

August 13, 2014 at 1:37 pm

I think you should cut him off sexually until he commits. He essentially has a free pass to look elsewhere while still using you physically because you are on a
“break.”
Lauren

August 12, 2014 at 6:33 pm

I should also add to this that lately he has been acting very hot and cold like one day he’s very lovey dovey happy and things are good and then the next its like he barely has time for me… Then if I call him and he’s busy he gets mad that I even called him in the first place.

J

August 11, 2014 at 4:18 pm

The past two times we have hung out we have hooked up, is it something I should randomly text him that we should stop? Or should I wait until we are together in person again and he tries to make a move? I know actions speak louder than words but I do not want to seem like a fool.

admin

August 12, 2014 at 11:32 am

I wouldn’t sleep with him until he commits…

Maya

August 6, 2014 at 3:30 am

What if all my exboyfriend does is texting me occasionally and engage me in a casual conversation. I am currently in a relationship with someone else. But my ex sometimes takes photos of himself or what’s he’s currently doing at work. If I reply things like are you working today? (He works shift) he will send me his roster for the month.

it started as an occasional text a few days per week. But now it seems like almost every other day he’d text me with some “updates” or he seems to start a convo with me. Just so to give me updates on his life about work and whatnots.

So is he treating me as a casual friend? Cause it seems like it at times. I don’t want to think or read into it so much but why do you think he bothers telling me all these stuff? And texting me so often? He has asked me out a few times. But it’s always me cancelling on him at the last minute.

there was once. He called my office phone just to say hi. That. Probably for fun (its been months, almost a year since we last talked on the phone)

Is he just bored? No other lady to text with? Hahahaha. I asked if he’s dating anyone and I know for a fact that he is seeing a few ladies. But to me. He always denies and says they are all just friends.
ls

July 22, 2014 at 2:09 am

Hi Chris?

my ex got into a rebound relationhip after our break up. Now that he is finally contacting me months later, all its for is to have a physical relationship, while he is still seeing the girl. I said no to him, but just wondering why he wants to do this if he has someone anyways.

admin

July 22, 2014 at 2:40 pm

He is definitely trying to use you..

Don’t be used…

Kim

June 24, 2014 at 8:10 pm

Hi Chris,

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. However, I have messed things up by keeping in contact with my ex. I don’t want my ex and want my boyfriend. I lied to him when we got into a fight one weekend and went and saw my ex. Now he says he can’t trust me and says he doesn’t want to be with someone that can’t leave their past. I want nothing more then to be with him. Since my betrayal and him finding out he has been trying to initiate contact with other women. He is the one for me and I want to prove it to him but I also don’t want to act desperate. We are still sleeping with each other and I suppose I need to stop that. What should I do?

admin

June 25, 2014 at 5:08 pm

What made you go back to your ex though?

Ew

June 23, 2014 at 4:32 pm

hi Chris, my ex of 8 years broke up with me 15 months ago. We keep seeing each other, about two to three times a week. After many mistakes I am finally behaving my best with him and have taken sex off the table. There is still cuddling (that he initiates), and he stil wants sex but does not insist much. Yesterday i told him i also want sex but when everything is all right between us. His reply was “what if it is never all right again?”. I just smiled and said nothing. It is all very confusing. I still don’t know what to read from his behaviour. He wants to see me even though we have been broken up for so long. He invites me over, his family still think we are together. It is his friends that know about the breakup and he wouldn’t invite me anywhere with his them along. i don’t know what to think. he says that this is him giving me a chance after being the worst person to him for two years (which is true). i have changed and want us to be together but just don’t know what to think. do we have a chance after so much time? i don’t know if he is using me, i just know he does not care for me like he did because i treated him like a monster but he is trying to give me a chance. i am not sure if in his sex is about me being his booty call, maybe there is something deeper about it for him. but if he were to love and want me back, wouldn’t he already be back together? i bought and read your book, but looks like this scenario is a bit different. thanks in advance for any advice

admin

June 24, 2014 at 6:36 pm

Give me an example of how you “treated him like a monster?”
Ew

July 6, 2014 at 9:29 pm

Hi Chris, there was emotional and, at the worst moments, physical violence.
admin

July 7, 2014 at 5:59 pm

I don;t think you should get him back. You are better off without him.

via

June 17, 2014 at 8:55 am

Hi Chris,

My ex boyfriend and I has broken up 3 months ago. Last weekend I got drunk and called him. He told me not to be so drunk outside and told me to go over to his place. I went over and there was a lot of crying and hugging.

We talked about things and he said he misses me but is hesitant to try again as he is afraid that we would not even be able to speak to each other if we were to fail. After that he asked for us to try again. We had sex after.

I headed home the next morning and he said we would talk later and he may meet me for dinner the next day. However, the dinner did not happen and I asked him when we would be having the talk. He told me he wants us to take things slow to see what mistakes we made before and not end up making the same ones and failing again.

However, he has not initiated contact with me thus far. Is he using me and leading me on with no intentions to get back together? What should I do?

admin

June 17, 2014 at 9:32 pm

What are his actions saying. Take his words out of the equation.

Jo

June 9, 2014 at 8:41 pm

HI CHRIST,

I HAVE COME TO REALIZE THAT MY EX OF 6 MONTHS WAS USING ME FOR SEX. SINCE THAT I MADE IT CLEAR I AM NOT GIVING INTO HIM ANYMORE BUT NOW HE HAS STOPPED CONTACTING ME. BUT HE’S USUALLY VERY QUICK TO REPLY TO ANY MESSAGES OR EMAILS. I’M SO CONFUSED BY HIS SIGNS, SHOULD I TRY TO GET HIM BACK OR IS HE JUST A LOST CAUSE? PLEASE HELP!!!

admin

June 10, 2014 at 3:44 pm

Haha trust me I am not Christ…

I think this just proves that he was indeed using you.

grace

May 21, 2014 at 9:52 pm

Update he was at my house for 4 days left thursday. I had a weird feeling so I drove over to where he was staying and found him with another girl at 3:30am. Now im really confused. .
Grace

May 10, 2014 at 8:17 am

I’m interested in this unique position you call it. So your saying if your already seeing each other and talking more your already in the getting back together stage? My ex boyfriends actions aren’t matching his words, but more in my favor. He says we shouldn’t see each other but comes over anyway. We’ve been on more “dates” then when we were together. I did short bursts of no contact(he texted and called a few times I ignored) and he reacted by calling me(I ignored) and texting me asking if I didn’t want to talk to him anymore. I did something to betray his trust and I want nothing more then to have it back, but I’m confused about what’s going on here. Its not right for him to be coming over spending time with me if he knows were never going to work it out.

admin

May 12, 2014 at 6:17 pm

Actions are in your favor 🙂

Jesse

April 26, 2014 at 3:41 pm

My ex boyfriend has become a big drinker, he goes out every chance he gets. He’ll skip sailing trips with his parents to go to a club event and drink every chance he gets. His friend just came back for a visit because he moved a year ago, and ever since my ex has dedicated himself to be just like him, and he’s admitted it. I was at a party yesterday and he kept trying to make me jealous by flirting with literally every girl, even my friends, and they most of them said that’s the first time he had talked to them in months. When his same friend laid his head on my lap, my ex instantly had a long face and stormed out. He has asthma so he would always trash talk those who smoke and he said he’d never do weed again, but he lit a joint at the end of the party. Since our break up he’s become the person he preached to never be. His parents and sister said he never talks to them anymore and starts fights every chance he gets. I think he’s insecure and his parents think he’s very unhappy. His mom said that when I came for dinner a while after we had broken up, she had never seen him smile so happily in a long time. I noticed at the party as well that he never did his famous loud laugh, he sat in the corner with teary eyes, and that is not the kind of person I loved and knew. I don’t get whats going on with him. Our personal story since the break up is a whole other paragraph, but for now I’m just asking why has he become this person?

admin

April 28, 2014 at 4:15 pm

He is drinking the pain away.

NADIA PALI

April 19, 2014 at 11:13 am

what about when in distance relation for 4 years, communicating by skype and whatsup every day and meeting once week every 3 months.. should I still refuse sex with him when we meet? does this rule apply to me ?
thank you.

admin

April 20, 2014 at 3:35 am

Yup it does if you aren’t dating him officially.

Mimi

April 16, 2014 at 11:15 am

Chris, do you think 2 months of no contact is too much? We’re been broken up for 2 months and he has no interest in getting back together.

NADIA PALI

April 20, 2014 at 8:09 am

Thanks so much Chris for this amazing website, amazing advices and support. This is a site of quality that I turn to when I am feeling down emotionally , i have gained so much knowledge about how to handle emotional distress and how to be patient when dealing with it…most of all I have more confident on me! also I read other comments shared on this page.. The way how things explained its too simple to understand.. I feel so lucky! Thanks so much Chris, wishing you all the best ! Merci beaucoup.

lc

April 14, 2014 at 7:48 pm

Me and my ex broke up 6 months ago, well a few weeks after the breakup he used me for sex , well in February he had a new girl friend amd he seen me in passing, we meet up talked for hours and eventually had sex, I askedaasked about his new girlfriend and he halfway lied about it and said they wasn’t together but still talked amd stuff and I knew for a fact they was together…. and ways I didn’t hear from him again until mid march and this time he was single(they broke up a few weeks before that) and we talked just like we did when we was together before thru text every morning was good morning beautiful and a few phone calls and all so that rocked on for about a week and then he came home from work ( he works off thru the week amd home on weekends) and he wanted to see me…. I went to hang with him , we talked for a while and he wound up coming to my house and of course did the dead, well thwarting next day he took me hunting with his friends all day long but he showed not much physical contact in front of them, and that night I left and dint hear a word from him… I messaged him the next day and no reply and so about 5 days went by I messaged him again and he replied once so I waited another 5 days and I started getting replies and then eventually him initiating the contact first…… well so it came down to this last weekend where he called me sat when he got home and asked if I wanted to hang well me amd him and hissh close friend went riding around and road hunting with dogs and we talked for hours but those time it was different he was singing love songs to me and holding me tight and holding my Hand and everything in front of his friend and last time that didn’t happen well he also told me that he missed coming home from work on weekends to me (of which we used to live tog et her and was engaged)…. sooo of course we did the dead and I left and he told me to call him the next day or he would call me or somethin but that he wanted to for sure see me before he left, I called next day and texted, no answer! I know that they was going to be hunting all day yesterday of which he doesn’t always take his phone but idk I haven’t heard from home today either please help !!!!
Jo

April 14, 2014 at 5:41 pm

Hey Chris,

My ex and I broke up about 5 Months ago. After the breakup we ended up sleeping together twice. I’ve began to notice whenever he reaches out more then usual he’s looking to mess around. I’ve already made it known I will not sleep with him unless he commits but it seems it went in one ear and out the other because he is still trying to sleep with me. I’m a bit hurt because I feel trying to get him back is a lost cause?

admin

April 15, 2014 at 4:09 pm

Well, you can take sex off the table and see what he does.
Jo

April 15, 2014 at 11:42 pm

I have and he ignored it completely, He has made several attempts to try and get me to sleep with him. Should I still consider trying to get him back??

Sue

April 12, 2014 at 1:42 pm

I know you don’t need to hear this because you have done your research but, you are spot on about being used by someone you love. I guess even though you feel in your gut this is happening to you, it’s very difficult to not be confused by what is happening. Even after cutting off any sexual contact, it took another year for me to realize that he was using me emotionally. My ex would call me several times a day, tell me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and never to be without me in his life. A full year of hoping he would want see me (he did but only in secret….another town), and move forward but never being able to because he said we weren’t good enough yet….solid enough. I know this sounds ridiculous but after being with someone for four years, you think this makes sense. After another year of talking several times a day on the phone, he broke it off completely. I was devastated. I wish I had seen this article a year ago but ever so thankful to have seen it today. I hope other woman read this and know how true it is. There is nothing you can do to make a relationship better when it is so one-sided and you shouldn’t want to. Thank you for making the healing process a little less painful. You’re doing a great thing with this site….keep it up.

admin

April 12, 2014 at 4:38 pm

I think there is also a sense of denial that goes along with it.

Like, “this person can’t possibly be using me.”

Mimi

April 11, 2014 at 2:01 pm

So how can you fix it if u have had sex with your ex? I plan to stop having sex with him but what else can I do if he’s not interested in getting back together after we have been broken up for 2 months.

admin

April 12, 2014 at 3:39 pm

Well, if he drifts away after you take sex away that would mean that he was just with you for the sex in the first place and thats not cool.
Mimi

April 13, 2014 at 3:18 am

After he told me for the second time a couple days ago he didn’t want a relationship I just told him okay I respect your decision and now I’m planning to do nc over again.

Maggie

April 9, 2014 at 10:17 pm

Hey Chris,

So a little advice here. My ex-boyfriend and I have started talking again after NC period and he’s been wanting to just cuddle with me. I come over to his place one night and we literally did just that. Just really intimate cuddling and talking about random things,
Not even any kissing or funny business. When I get home he texts me saying that was nice, and that he would’ve offered me to stay the night over but “we shouldn’t be doing that”. I am so confused haha any suggestions?

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349 thoughts on “How To Know If Your Ex Boyfriend Is Using You”