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242 thoughts on “How To Have Open And Vulnerable Communication With Your Ex Boyfriend”

  1. shoegal

    July 29, 2015 at 9:11 pm

    Dear Chris,
    Your advice would mean everything to me. I read your articles religiously, though I can’t find a suggestion that would suit my case best, so I would really appreciate your advice!
    Our relationship lasted almost 6 years. We’re both 23-year-olds and he was my first boyfriend and I was his first girlfriend. Absolutely NOTHING went wrong between us, we were crazy in love. Suddenly, almost 2 months ago, he got scared I think (we planned to move in together for the first time) and broke up with me saying that he needs to be alone, he endlessly reassured me that’s him, not me and that he doesn’t regret a single moment spent with me and still wants to stay in touch, but as friends. But that’s not all. He said that he felt too safe with me always being supportive. He said he doesn’t know himself, because he has never spent a day as a single. He doesn’t like himself and needs to work on himself. He said he must have freedom to do everything that he wants in his life and with me by his side it wouldn’t really be possible. He doesn’t want to regret never trying how it’s like to be with someone else and he regrets we’ve met so early. He cried a lot and got really emotional.
    My no contact period is almost over (day 29). Chris, taking into consideration what he revealed, he apparently needs time on his own, but if he involves with sb else, my chance of getting him back decreases. Do you recommend no contact for more than 30 days in this case or should I just proceed to texting as it’s suggested after that?
    And another question, is there any recommended time that texting should last? I don’t want to keep texting for too long and accidentally become friendzoned.
    I would be more than happy to get your response.
    Thank you, Shoegal

    1. shoegal

      August 11, 2015 at 6:39 pm

      My exboyfriend answered my “I have a confession” text after 6 days. After an hour, I sent him the confession. Again, it took him 4 days to respond. Is it possible that this kind of “delayed response” mean something? What do you think, Chris?

    2. Chris Seiter

      August 16, 2015 at 11:43 pm

      He’s trying to play it cool. If you sent any other text he probably wouldn’t have responded at all. It must have drove him crazy to the point where he had to respond. Good job! 🙂

    3. shoegal

      August 6, 2015 at 9:49 pm

      Hi, Chris! After 33 days of NC, I texted him “I have a confession to make” text, and I must admit that I’m a bit surprised that he did not respond at all, because our breakup was not an ugly one. Thanks to your articles, I did not panic about it. I wonder what advice you may have for my case.
      Thank you!

    4. Chris Seiter

      August 12, 2015 at 9:07 pm

      That is unusual that he didn’t respond. Give it a week and then text him and say did you get my text?

    5. shoegal

      July 31, 2015 at 2:06 pm

      I can’t express how incredibly thankful I am for your reply!
      We were happy almost all of the time we were together. We communicated perfectly and could always work things out together. We felt incredibly well in each others company and couldn’t get hands off each other till the last day. I was never expecting him to propose or live together, because we both agreed there’s no need to rush. The idea of living together somehow came up in a conversation and he decided that he’s ready on his own. After a month or so, he broke up with me.
      I haven’t contacted him, neither did he through the NC and now it’s over. I used my Facebook during the NC and posted many pictures of me doing the workout, hanging out with friends, smiling and being fabulous. I absorbed massive amount of articles here on exboyfriendrecovery.com and I decided that my first message would be: “I’d like to share with you what happened today…”, then if he responses positively, no matter what I’ll not respond for an hour. After that, I am going to text him: “I was shopping today and I stumbled across the copy of Simon’s Cat book (we both love it) and it made me think of you for the first time in a while. Honestly, it made me smile.” Then I am not going to respond at all.
      I am going to reach out again in a week or so with a text like: “I just passed the ice-cream shop (the one we both loved), did you know they have some new flavours? Hope you’re ok.” Chris, do you think that’s too much?
      I am a very disciplined person and I know I can’t stalk him. Since I have to be really careful, I’m wondering what’s your advice?
      Thank you, Shoegal

    6. Chris Seiter

      August 6, 2015 at 10:22 pm

      Great first reach out text. That will work. Instead of the second one about the ice cream place you can try saying “hey you know who you remind me of?” Then tell him a celebrity he looks like. This will give him two different types of texts. You will have to let him send you some texts. Dont send to many to him without receiving any back.

    7. Chris Seiter

      July 30, 2015 at 3:48 pm

      Ya I think he got scared too from just the short bit of information you told me.

      I think 30 days is ideal but you need to really take things slow out of the gates after NC. Tell me, what text messages do you have prepared?

  2. Katie

    July 29, 2015 at 6:58 pm

    Hi Chris. I need your help!

    Saw my ex after a month of NC at his sister’s baby shower. He wouldn’t talk to me in the beginning and so I broke the ice. Then later he was snappy and he said that I hated him because I deleted him off of Facebook and told a mutual friend I was pusses at him. He though I was trying to ruin his friendship with his friends and I informed him none of the above was true. So then we talked a little easier and we decided to hangout after the shower.
    We did the no no and had sex, whoops, but after he was much more open. We wrestled like we used to for a little while and then we hit some hard conversations. I told him how I didn’t ever want to go back into the dead and ruined relationship we had but rather in the future a new one. That exs have a higher chance of staying together. Then I told him how his reasons for breaking up with me were faulty and wrong. He listened to it like a kid who just got in trouble with his eyes never off me and them getting a little wet looking. I told him how he can’t compare the whole relationship to the honeymoon phase, which we moved through quickly. I also told him how the decision if I want to wait for him for years to get married or leave was my decision not his. He listened to everything I said. He talked about his faults in the relationship and I about mine. He then asked me not to ignore all men waiting on him. I told him I wouldn’t. He then told me that even though he said after we broke up he will never date me again ever he said if he feels better about this in the future he won’t stop it. Well we talked for another 3 hours all good. Well the next two days he tried to keep talking through txt except he started takin everything personally and kept saying how he feels like I am guilting him even when we were talking about nothing that had to do with us. It lead to a phone call where he just angerly told me that I agreed to his reasons for breaking up and that he isn’t coming back in guilt only when it feels right. There was awkward silence on the phone and I ended up crying and he ended up telling me he would talk to me later. Today I tried to clear the air with just a sorry let’s forget about it. He said he didn’t want to fight so I sent him a text as if it was the first time we were texting. He was receptive at first and was really carrying the conversation. Then it started to lag, sadly there wasn’t a point where I could just pop out easily. We were suppose to meet up tomorrow since we do well in person. I am wondering should I go back to NC for a while so he has more time to heal. He seems to be fighting with himself and I don’t want negativity associated with me.

    1. Katie

      July 31, 2015 at 12:35 am

      It was 28 days of NC.

      Our first interaction was great after we eased back into being around each other. But the last couple have been distant or stressful. He brings up subjects that make everything stressful and that makes him get defensive and mad. And if he isn’t being that up he is very distant, as if we are awkward strangers. So we have a had one day of great conversations followed by 4 days of stressful or distant conversations.

    2. Chris Seiter

      July 30, 2015 at 3:47 pm

      How long did you do NC initially? Just the month?

      If you feel internally that its a good idea that usually means it probably is.

      How have your conversations gone after NC? Have you really had the type of conversations that you are shooting for when it comes to ex recovery?

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